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December 2016 Moms
sourlemon
member
Moms with Toddlers
sourlemon
member
Sorry @jennbaylor12 if I'm stepping on toes. I don't know how you typically come up with your questions but I've got a big one I'm struggling with.
For those who have outside babies, how is your toddler adjusting? Any challenges yet?
For those who have outside babies, how is your toddler adjusting? Any challenges yet?
DD1 5/23/14, DD2 12/5/16 Baby #3 on the way!
Re: Moms with Toddlers
I asked this selfishly because we are struggling so much right now. My 2.5 was great in the hospital with being a sister. Since we've been home (only since Wednesday afternoon) she's been horrible.
She's had pee accidents daily (not end of world but it's for attention, she says stuff like "I peed like Evie, change me too").
She is throwing fits almost constantly. She's been awake for an hour today and already had 2 big breakdowns...one because I went back to bed (we watch mickey in bed on weekend mornings) and I guess I'm not allowed. Then another one because DH wouldn't go to the couch.
She is bossy all of a sudden. Tells me what to do "get away from me" "get out of bed" "mommy can't come to couch" "get me x or y". It's mainly directed towards me but some at DH.
She's "bring mean" to me. I know this is dumb that it's getting to me but hormones. I've cried more about this than anything so far. Says she doesn't love me now, won't let me help her with toys, tells me to go away all the time, calls me bad mommy. Especially when I'm holding the baby.
Last night I had DH take her to a Christmas thing as a daddy daughter date. She behaved great there but was bad once they got home. I thought some alone time with daddy would be good (she's a huge daddy's girl). But I guess it only helped during the event.
I just don't know what to do. Is it normal? A "this too shall pass" thing?
I find myself longing for the "simple" times before DS2 where we could go on adventures, have our routines, cuddle in the mornings... they are nonexistent right now. I ache at how much I miss him and these moments.
I keep keep reminding myself that it's only been 3 days. That it will get better. It has to (right???). But jeesh.
So no advice but I feel ya sister.
I feel so guilty about this but thank goodness my parents live here...they took her for a few hours in the afternoon and plan on taking her for a little bit tomorrow too. I had a breakdown when trying to talk to my mom. I hate crying (especially like that) in front of people (especially my mom). But I'm so thankful that dd1 likes spending time at their house and sees it as a treat! And that they are willing to help so much in these early days.
I knew it'd be hard but gosh, I wasn't expecting such immediate turnaround in her behavior.
Give her time, she's adjusting to a new normal. It's a big change. In a week things might be totally better for her.
Be consistent with your expectations and also with your follow through. Inconsistency breeds insecurity and questioning of parental reliability. Mean what you say and say only what you mean.
Find pockets of time to pour into her (preferably one as soon as you can in the morning)... and reinforce that you and her as a relationship is still important. Same with bedtime.
Defuse what's childishness (tired, hungry) and ignore that... basically pick your battles.
Have fun and take time to be silly... "I think you need a cuddle... or tickle!"
Go on walks and get out energy... limit technology... it is a major behavior trigger for most kids... make sure she gets good rest during this season too. Limit snacking and eat good.
Have age appropriate expectations... if she is 3 or under don't give the accidents a second thought. 3 yos have a hard life... and everyone ofnthem that I've know is a little bit nuts!
Lastly impower her as your right hand girl... your helper... mamas assistant... make her feel important and part of things.
hugs!
Due December 27th with baby #7
Plus, my 2 yo is a major mamas girl and i know this might be hard for her too! My 5 almost 6 yo is already in major regressive mode and I'm trying to practice my advice.
Also, it's a great idea getting her a day with grandma and grandpa... just because she wants you doesn't mean she can't grow and develop relationships with other loving people in her life.
Due December 27th with baby #7
im at such a loss and don't know where this belongs, but SOS I'm drowning today.
DD can be so good. She can be so sweet and be such a good listener and wants nothing more than to be helpful. On those days we praise her to the high heavens and want to give her the world. Then there are days like today. She hits me and others and screams in my face. She went through a hitting phase a while back and things resolved themselves... now with the impending due date approaching her behavior has really taken a turn for the horrible. It's not every day, but the days it hits I am at such a loss. Today I am so exhausted. We don't spank, but we do take away toys/shows/treats/privileges and do time outs. She seems to get it, but not enough to make a serious change. Sometimes she will hit me and then immediately just want a hug because I know she feels terrible about it. It's like a lack of impulse control or something. Today I was so frustrated I slapped her hand... to which she responded with a slap back on my hand (I mean, i truly do think it's an absurd notion to think you can teach a kid to not hit by hitting... so touché to her). I have so much mom-guilt and it's stockpiling knowing that this baby is going to come in and rock the boat even further.
HALP.
im sorry for the long vent I'm just really struggling with this today and she's finally napping so I've had time to breath and process.
Any other BTDT moms have some advice?
Both kids had a dr appt at the same time (2.5 yo well baby and newborn) and a counselor always comes in to newborn ones to check on the mom mainly. I totally took advantage and asked about the toddler behavior and what to do. She said to give her lots of grace and know it'll get better quickly. Not only is being 2.5 hard, but having a new baby in the house is hard. Be consistent but know it won't always work and try not to be too hard on her. So tough for me. She was well behaved almost all the time. Then BAM. But that's what we were told so we are trying it out. It's been a struggle (obviously) but some things are already getting better. She hasn't hit me in 2 days lol. Minor victories.
A great book on this is called The Connected Child... it's adoption specific, but the author makes it VERY easy to apply to traditional parenting. Because it's adopt specific spanking is of course not recommended or addressed. The author is Karen Purvis and she had some great videos out there too.
Due December 27th with baby #7
@maamawaabangi I'll look into that book for sure. A friend from church passed along a book to me but once it started incorporating "corporal punishment" I stopped reading. Typically that's the method I use for hitting (or kicking)((ETA your method I mean, not corporal punishment)). I hold the offending apaendages firmly, stare her down and tell her we don't hit. We have a designated time out spot (on the stairs) so usually I'll send her there immediately after until she's ready to talk and apologize. Sometimes the more effective thing I can do for her after she hits is offer a hug and she will just melt into me. Those moments make it so easy to give her grace and move forward. Days like today... well. Ya. But it makes sense that she's in a period of questioning and needing some definition. I was talking with her yesterday while she was in a snuggly moment and trying to tell her that although things will change when baby sister comes, that we still love her and she will always be so special to us. And then I started tearing up and had to stop haha but I'm trying to ease her in as gently as possible.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart for sure.
My general practice from smalls to age 4 is...
- Be consistent, define what you want to see clearly and lovingly... don't make them doubt you even in the littlest of things.
- Instruct (some call it train) in the way you desire them to behave (this takes consistency and structure). Set them up to succeed. It's only fair.
- Address the heart/mind... behavior is the outflow of the heart.
- Mama sets the tone. They look to me to decide how to act or what attitude to have. (Ouch! I hate that!)
Will also put a shout out for Give them Grace (which is faith-based, so might not be for everyone, I can't remember if they address CP, but if they do it's very minorly and it isn't the point of the book at all... so throw out what doesn't fit your family... I do that a lot with parenting books and feel it's given me balance)... but it was a life changing read for me... not just my kids... but will say it's probably best applied to ages 4+.
Due December 27th with baby #7
Due December 27th with baby #7
Thanks for letting me explode my feelings yesterday.... and then again today.
We had a comeplete catastrophe of a day ... it was INSANE! But, not my toddler. Now everyone is reading quietly and there is peace. Just do the next thing... do it in love.
Due December 27th with baby #7
I have a question for anyone who has a kid in childcare - do you get their "teachers" Christmas gifts? We did $10 starbucks gift cards. Is that too little? He's there only 2 days a week but they are SO GOOD with him. They are so sweet and caring and he knows how to share and I think they have a huge part in that...
We pull him out after next week which is another thing. I'm super nervous about a wild 20 month old in the winter and a newborn. ayi yi...
ETA: I am also nervous about navigating a newborn and a toddler...it will be my first go as a SAHM and I don't know how I'll handle it!
Our older 4, who are typically rock stars were having and off day and stuff fell apart after I tried to rest for a bit ... we pulled it together with a huge (ugly cry) heart to heart, but I am spent in just about every way. We ended the night by getting take out and reading with NO noise (which was really appreciated by all I think) and everyone went to bed early... not punitively, they/we just all needed it.
Sigh... tomorrow's a new day.
Due December 27th with baby #7
She also was a big helper yesterday at target by carrying a diaper and wipes pack for her sister lol.
I think things are getting better...but this weekend will be the real test. No daycare. No MIL here. She'll still go to my parents one morning as she has done for the last year or so. So basically a normal weekend plus a new baby.
Due December 27th with baby #7
https://www.fatherly.com/fatherly-forum/how-to-teach-child-emotional-intelligence/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=paidsocial&utm_campaign=mkemotionalintelligence
Today was another successful day, thank God.
Ive really had to step outside of myself and my exhaustion and overall laziness and just (as insanely obvious as it sounds) invest in nurturing her starting right from when we get up. For instance, this morning I didn't want to deal with her "helping" make breakfast. I wanted it done so I could sit and enjoy my coffee.. I kept wrestling with it and felt so sneaky trying to get the eggs scrambled before she could hear or notice, but I chose to bring the bowl of yolks in to her and asked her to stir them up for me. She was completely delighted. Throughout the day I needed to be ready to bend to moments like that; to put down my phone or cleaning or whatever agenda that wasn't pressing and just give her myself. My H worked late today and I was so nervous about how the day would go entirely on my own, but we had such a great day. I even got a few "I love you, momma"s All on her own. She even let me read her 2 chapters of The Secret Garden while she alternated between playing and snuggling... she RARELY lets us read to her.
Anyway, all that to say, I've just realized how much of her behaviors stem from just me being distracted.