I'm SAHM and H works no less than 60-70 hours a week. I am 100% on board with house work being my job. That's the way we talked about it being way before we even got married.
Now the the boys are both of our responsibilities. And my H is father of the year. He does so much with and for them. He even takes them away on week long boys trips.
i did at one point work with two kids and yes I can say I live the life now. How any woman or man can say that SAH is just is hard as a working parent, blows my mind. My house is always clean and I make all meals and have 3-4 other kids during the week since I am a nanny and still can't figure out how they think it's even close.
my hat is off to working moms and dads and single moms and dads.
as for the OP it's really easy for everyone to jump in with their opinion, but they don't live in your marriage. It's obviously not working for you anymore so it's time to implement change. I doubt coming guns a blazing method will work. Really it's going to be at pace and strategy that works for your marriage. I wish you the best.
This is pregnancy #3 for me. Last time I was so nauseous, I lost almost 20 pounds. So there is no argument with my husband. He helps out, or I loose my mind. I feel like crap a lot.
That being said, he needs to listen to you and treat you like a human being and not a roomba.
Is is he suffering from depression, stress, or anxiety? Something that could be clouding his judgment?
Hilarious. The next time DH acts like I'm his maid/nanny I'm stealing this line.
@Knottie42089123, unfortunately a cleaning lady isn't in the cards.
@semicolon, Yes, there are some ptsd issues. It's complicated...
My H has PTSD from war also. I'm here if you need to chat, PTSD is its own ugly beast. I also work for the Dept. of Veterans Affairs if you have questions about benefits or healthcare, feel free to PM me.
LAMCH1980 our relationship isn't perfect, we still work hard at it, but the most important thing is that we're really honest with each other, we talk about things when they're not working right (and I'm not always good at opening up, but my husband can tell when things are wrong and pulls it out of me), and we commit to working together. You and your family will be in my thoughts & prayers during this time!
@LAMCH1980 this makes me really sad. There are good and bad days in every household but this is definitely a time when understanding is needed. My husband and I both work and we negotiated a long time ago for a cleaning lady so we wouldn't spend our weekends playing catch up. We share doing dishes and laundry and he always mows the lawn. I hope you can reach an agreement so your family time isn't spent arguing over cleaning
From your post, it sounds like he thinks all of the housework is your responsibility.
That is an unfair expectation, pregnant or not.
This, 100%.
I think that the division of chores and work in a home is completely up to each couple, but I don't think a husband should expect his wife to keep up with an outdated standard that was created when women weren't working outside of the home.
As an example, my husband and I both work full-time but his job is much more taxing than mine. I also enjoy cleaning and love cooking, so I gladly take on the bulk of those responsibilities. However if the laundry pile gets high, the dishes form a mountain in the sink, or the garbage needs to be taken out, he just does it. We don't have a chore chart or assigned tasks but we both pitch in.
I guess what I'm trying to say OP is that you have to find a balance that works for your family, and it sounds like it's not working for you right now. Don't be afraid to tell him that.
Mine is not THAT bad. He's fine with the fact I'm letting things slide. He even wants to help (as long as it doesn't involve him doing any actual work or anything extra).
So he's eager to get me a glass of water and pat my back if I'm already throwing up, but things like, "Don't leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight because when I see/smell the old food the next morning I will barf" do not seem to have any effect. So basically things are becoming a mess because I don't feel well enough to keep it up to standards and he doesn't want to really pick up any of the slack. He has taken on cleaning the cat box because my doctor tested me for toxoplasmosis and I'm not immune, so cleaning that could literally kill the baby... but still can't put his own glass in the dishwasher or his own socks in the hamper. He is perfectly happy with with living in a mess.
We both work 40 hours a week minimum, so I understand he's tired, but I am equally tired and GROWING A NEW HUMAN.
But I shouldn't rag on him too much. He's a very loving husband and has been doing a lot of the cooking because he wants meat just about daily and it makes me pukey lately, so to compromise he's cooking it himself... if I was doing all the cooking it would be pasta every day lol, because it doesn't have much of a smell.
OP, I hate that you're dealing with this. That kind of mindset is just incomprehensible to me.
In addition to the other advice here, I just wanted to suggest making a chart/spreadsheet of your daily and weekly tasks. Some people understand better when they see it spelled out for them.
Really hoping you get some relief.
Me: 38 l DH: 41 Gavin - 8/27/10 *TW* Gabriel - 2nd tri loss 5/17/16 Trisomy 18 & 21 Hope - 2nd tri loss 12/7/16 complications from pneumonia
My DH is pretty old school as well..and he can be snarky too but im not afraid to lash back at him. especially being so moody these days. i work full time shift work so lately my days off have been spent on the couch.my bathroom is a disaster im worried to scrub it doen because last time the smell of cleaning products made me feel so sick! he actually came home from work one day and asked me why the dishes werent done. i asked him if his arms were broken. also the other day i was complaining about how i felt so constipated. he said "for someone who wants this so bad you sure do complain a lot" so i walked away from him and replied with "well for someone who says he loves me so much you sure arent that supportive" then he surprised me with a nice long hug. this is our first pregnancy so he is excited but just doesnt get it. i think maybe becausr i havent had any extreme symptoms or i dont know...must be a man thing
Re: Anyone's husband not understand?
Now the the boys are both of our responsibilities. And my H is father of the year. He does so much with and for them. He even takes them away on week long boys trips.
i did at one point work with two kids and yes I can say I live the life now. How any woman or man can say that SAH is just is hard as a working parent, blows my mind. My house is always clean and I make all meals and have 3-4 other kids during the week since I am a nanny and still can't figure out how they think it's even close.
my hat is off to working moms and dads and single moms and dads.
as for the OP it's really easy for everyone to jump in with their opinion, but they don't live in your marriage. It's obviously not working for you anymore so it's time to implement change. I doubt coming guns a blazing method will work. Really it's going to be at pace and strategy that works for your marriage. I wish you the best.
@semicolon, Yes, there are some ptsd issues. It's complicated...
BFP #1 9/1999. DD Born 6/7/2000
BFP #2 10/2011. EDD 7/11/12. MMC discovered 11/2/11. D&C 11/4/11.
DX PCOS 10/2012.
BFP#3 1/11/13. DS Born 9/17/2013
BFP#4 9/30/17. Grow baby grow!
~Everyone Welcome~
BFP #1 9/1999. DD Born 6/7/2000
BFP #2 10/2011. EDD 7/11/12. MMC discovered 11/2/11. D&C 11/4/11.
DX PCOS 10/2012.
BFP#3 1/11/13. DS Born 9/17/2013
BFP#4 9/30/17. Grow baby grow!
~Everyone Welcome~
LAMCH1980 our relationship isn't perfect, we still work hard at it, but the most important thing is that we're really honest with each other, we talk about things when they're not working right (and I'm not always good at opening up, but my husband can tell when things are wrong and pulls it out of me), and we commit to working together. You and your family will be in my thoughts & prayers during this time!
I think that the division of chores and work in a home is completely up to each couple, but I don't think a husband should expect his wife to keep up with an outdated standard that was created when women weren't working outside of the home.
I guess what I'm trying to say OP is that you have to find a balance that works for your family, and it sounds like it's not working for you right now. Don't be afraid to tell him that.
So he's eager to get me a glass of water and pat my back if I'm already throwing up, but things like, "Don't leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight because when I see/smell the old food the next morning I will barf" do not seem to have any effect. So basically things are becoming a mess because I don't feel well enough to keep it up to standards and he doesn't want to really pick up any of the slack. He has taken on cleaning the cat box because my doctor tested me for toxoplasmosis and I'm not immune, so cleaning that could literally kill the baby... but still can't put his own glass in the dishwasher or his own socks in the hamper. He is perfectly happy with with living in a mess.
We both work 40 hours a week minimum, so I understand he's tired, but I am equally tired and GROWING A NEW HUMAN.
But I shouldn't rag on him too much. He's a very loving husband and has been doing a lot of the cooking because he wants meat just about daily and it makes me pukey lately, so to compromise he's cooking it himself... if I was doing all the cooking it would be pasta every day lol, because it doesn't have much of a smell.
In addition to the other advice here, I just wanted to suggest making a chart/spreadsheet of your daily and weekly tasks. Some people understand better when they see it spelled out for them.
Really hoping you get some relief.
Gavin - 8/27/10
*TW*
Gabriel - 2nd tri loss 5/17/16 Trisomy 18 & 21
Hope - 2nd tri loss 12/7/16 complications from pneumonia