Anyone's husband not understand?

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

I've read a lot of threads where husbands are doing more now that their wives are pregnant. They're letting them rest while they help with cooking, cleaning, the kids etc. Is anyone here on the flipside, where your husband is upset that you can't keep up with everything? I'm working full-time and have two kids and he thinks we should never have dirty dishes or laundry and dinner should always be made...I'm also really sick and the ms hits me hard so I'm not on top of my game. We're in a big fight right now about me not making my family a "priority" which couldn't be further from the truth. Am I alone in this? I hope nobody else is going through it, but if you are, share with me? Sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone.
Edit: I say I'm working full-time here. I work 5 days a week, but not necessarily 8 hour days. Therefore I do expect to do more...

swanbrooner · November 2016

From your post, it sounds like he thinks all of the housework is your responsibility.

That is an unfair expectation, pregnant or not.

KB00 · November 2016

I can sort of relate. My husband is trying to be helpful but he severely underestimates how tired and sick I truly am everyday. I can tell he gets annoyed if I ask him to do any more than he is used to. He had to skip the gym the other morning because I couldn't stop throwing up and our toddler was being a handful. We got into a fight about it. He's like "yesterday you said I could go" but TODAY I haven't stopped throwing up so I need help! He really just doesn't get it. It's like he doesn't understand some things need to change and he needs to be more flexible. And it's infuriating on my end! Have you talked about it and tried to help him understand? I feel like some men just don't get how taxing being pregnant is on a woman and expect everything to stay the same. But our energy levels are completely depleted right now! We need help!

Assiram42 · November 2016

Your H needs a swift kick in the balls. WTF is his problem?

awoodruff27 · November 2016

Just had to say I'm sorry. That's awful. My husband was like that the first time around. But this is number 3 and he has learned his lesson.

lumilumi · November 2016

I say he's not making his family a priority either. He needs to lower his expectations and help out a little. Where did his old school thinking come from? If he wants to be the man of the house, then you shouldn't be working full time.

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

Of course we've tried to talk... I can't get him to counseling, so it's an ongoing problem. I was wondering if I was alone in this. His mother stayed at home and did everything. Washed every dish, cooked every meal, washed every piece of clothing. She scrubs the walls...I didn't know people did that. They have nothing out of place. I don't even know where they put dirty laundry. They have none? Well, this isn't me. He knew it going in and actually our place is pretty clean, but hey, we live here. Shiz falls out of place.

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

awoodruff27 said:

Just had to say I'm sorry. That's awful. My husband was like that the first time around. But this is number 3 and he has learned his lesson.

How did he learn his lesson?

kdanjou · November 2016

I'm so sorry you are being treated like this. It's definitely not fair. You should both share the chores equally if possible. Plus you work full time! If he's not happy he can hire a maid service.

JAGinMI · November 2016

lumilumi said:

I say he's not making his family a priority either. He needs to lower his expectations and help out a little. Where did his old school thinking come from? If he wants to be the man of the house, then you shouldn't be working full time.

Image: https://i.giphy.com/9MMBGAijL7Me4.gif

But for real, why does he think you should be fully responsible for the house (and the kids?) AND work full-time? I honestly get it when men expect women to be responsible for the house when they don't work, but when they do, I am sorry but that shit has got to be 50/50. I would guaranteed be divorced if that was my husband's attitude. It actually really pisses me off to hear something like "he expects dinner to always be made" - please help me understand why that is only your responsibility??? I don't say this to make you feel bad, I just hope you can see that his attitude is WAY out of whack, whether you are pregnant or not! It is not 1950 and you are not a stay at home mom. What does he say to justify his feelings when you are fighting about this stuff? Please don't tell me he has the audacity to mention his mom.

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

He justifies it by the amount of money we make. Maybe I should clarify full-time and say yes, I'm working 5 days a week, but then it's not always an 8 hour day. I make a lot less, and work less hours so I try to compensate at home. I don't even expect 50/50 because of that, but he's acting like I neglect everything at home and I promise I'm not.

delujm0 · November 2016

With my first pregnancy, I'm pretty sure my husband didn't believe we were going to be parents until DD came falling out of my vagina. I just took it easy and did whatever I could, and if he complained about it I told him to go F himself, sometimes in a nicer way than others. We both worked full time and we had split the chores at home 50/50 and I got mine done for the most part, though I was cooking dinner less. We did move when I was about 7 months pregnant, and it annoyed him that I wasn't able to carry stuff, but I just told him to bite me, basically.

Once we actually had the baby, I will admit that very little changed, and I wanted to actually murder him while on maternity leave. Basically because I was "home all day" it apparently meant that I couldn't complain when he made plans after work to go out with friends (instead of coming home and taking the baby for ONE EFFING HOUR so I could have some time for myself before putting her to bed), and I "didn't understand" how he needed to unwind after work. His job is about 100 times less stressful than mine, by the way. DD was colicky and had bad reflux and basically I spent 12 weeks being screamed at 24/7 unless I had somehow tricked her into napping. I couldn't wait to go back to work. Fast forward to the first time she was sick and couldn't go to daycare, and I had an important meeting so I had to go to the office and DH had to take her all day. When I got home he apologized to me profusely, realizing that at 5 months she was far more reasonable than she was when I was home with her all day, and saying that he gets it now and feels terrible about how he treated me. THIS WAS AFTER ONE DAY YOU GUYS.

I believe that he gets it now. The past few weekends, he has taken DD to the park or on a hike for a few hours on Saturday so that I can take a nap, and he mostly understands that some of my chores don't get done (we had a fight about it last week, but he's usually reasonable - we have a bigger place with much more work to be done this time than we did last time). I expect that he'll be more reasonable when I'm on maternity leave this time too. At the very least, if he plans to go out after work, he will be taking both kids all morning so that I can sleep in or work out or just do whatever I want for an hour so that I don't lose my mind. I'm praying that since DD was such a difficult newborn, this one will be a bit easier and my maternity leave (which is 16 weeks this time due to a new policy at work) will be less horrible. I mean I started threatening to go back to work at 6 weeks, before I was even cleared by my doctor, because daycare would take her, that's how bad it was. But we figured it out. I realize I complained a lot about DH here, but he is a great husband and father, truly. We have always fought about housework, to be fair - his standards are higher than mine, but he still thinks we should split it 50/50 and I should rise to his standards for some reason, I guess even 12 years into living together he hasn't realized that isn't happening - but we rarely argue about anything else. And we do have a cleaning lady now to lighten the load somewhat.

I am concerned that you both work full time but you're expected to do everything around the house, OP - that hardly sounds fair, and I doubt it will get better when the baby is born if you don't work it out now. We had our share of problems when DD was born and we were already splitting housework 50/50. You should discuss what the division of labor will look like once the baby comes, because let me tell you, there were nights where DH was watching TV and I was cleaning bottles while falling asleep standing up where I seriously considered throwing a knife at him. He's already been told that if I emerge from putting the kids to sleep this time, and there are dirty bottles in the sink, he's going to be killed. Seriously we buy the easiest bottles with the smallest amount of parts JUST WASH THEM HOW HARD IS THAT. Sigh.

emichelle86 · November 2016

My husband is semi like this, he says things like doing laundry is "my" job. My energy levels are seriously low this pregnancy and things are just not getting done. While he only complains sometimes, he isn't helping out any. I'm slowly getting him to help some, like with the laundry he will put it in now, but won't fold any of it. I think it is just something you have to start with slowly, try to get him to help you with one thing and then maybe build up from there.

mkrel · November 2016

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I also agree with @JAGinMI .... he better not ever compare you to his mom!
I wish I had some good advice for you, but I think you need to somehow give him a reality check.

michaela0704 · November 2016

My situation isn't quite the same but I mean... I'm not doing very much at all these days, I feel lucky to have clean underwear for myself and clean clothes for my kids (DH does his own b/c he likes his detergent full of VOCs while I use green non-smelly stuff). So if the kitchen is cluttered with mail or a pile of laundry to be done in hampers... toys not neatly put away in the living room... it is what it is...

My husband is getting stressed by our house being 'dirty' but for the record... it isn't dirty just cluttered way more than it normally is... I get sick if I have to bend down for baths or anything like that, so he gets annoyed and lashes out occassionally when he is doing a lot of the bedtime routine for our kids. I make sure to tell him thank you and that I appreciate his help picking up the slack where I used to do more... he knows it isn't forever, but I think sometimes in the moment he gets upset when he is focused on the situation at that point in time vs. the big picture. A lot of times I just ask him, what are you really mad about? Clearly it isn't about giving your kids a bath or that they have a hamper of dirty clothes (although clean pjs, underwear, and clothes for the next day). He'll usually go off... but then he realizes he's just frustrated in that moment and not really angry with me or our situation. I just have learned not to take it personally, he's not really mad at me - he's struggling with the situation. Later, he usually apologizes and/or talks to me calmly with what is bothering him so I can try to do what I need to do to make it better.

I think for your situation, it may help to talk through all the household responsibilities, how you're feeling physically, and then find some common ground so that expectations are reasonable on both sides.

ChrisLipstick · November 2016

Has anyone with an insensitive hubby thought of bringing him to a dr/midwife appointment and having a medical professional tell him you need more rest?

I think my husband figured it out during my first pregnancy. I did most of the cooking then and I remember coming home from work and crashing on the couch. He would ask if I was going to start dinner and I would tell him the smell of food made me want to puke and that I was having a bowl of cereal and going to be at 7pm. After a few days of this, he adjusted and stopped asking if I was going to make dinner.

doodleoodle · November 2016

I am so sorry. This is awful, whether you're working full time, whether you make less money, whether pigs were flying this would be awful. The first time I was pregnant I was working full time and making more than my husband. He waited on me hand and foot. After DD was born I was on maternity leave, recovering from a c section without pain meds because I was BF and paranoid, trying to BF a baby with a lip tie and tongue tie and I was expected to do everything.... all while DH was on FMLA for "baby bonding". It was infuriating. I lost my shit one day and he got better for a little while. He then got a big promotion and we both agreed that me staying at home would be the best thing for our family. Since then, every once in awhile, he'll act like he's king of the castle and stop doing ANYTHING. Like, he won't even take out the trash. I'll have to go bundle up my 12 month old, and pull the trash can to the curb with a baby on my hip. I usually give him a few days to come to his senses. Then I'll start letting dishes, laundry and dust pile up until he says something. That's when I pounce lol. Yes, I stay home to take care of our child, but this is our child and our home so we should both share responsibilities. I'm good with doing the lion's share of the work, but I'm not okay with is being expected to do everything.

I think you should talk to him. Whether you decide to be calm and collected or immature like me

emichelle86 · November 2016

doodleoodle said:

I am so sorry. This is awful, whether you're working full time, whether you make less money, whether pigs were flying this would be awful. The first time I was pregnant I was working full time and making more than my husband. He waited on me hand and foot. After DD was born I was on maternity leave, recovering from a c section without pain meds because I was BF and paranoid, trying to BF a baby with a lip tie and tongue tie and I was expected to do everything.... all while DH was on FMLA for "baby bonding". It was infuriating. I lost my shit one day and he got better for a little while. He then got a big promotion and we both agreed that me staying at home would be the best thing for our family. Since then, every once in awhile, he'll act like he's king of the castle and stop doing ANYTHING. Like, he won't even take out the trash. I'll have to go bundle up my 12 month old, and pull the trash can to the curb with a baby on my hip. I usually give him a few days to come to his senses. Then I'll start letting dishes, laundry and dust pile up until he says something. That's when I pounce lol. Yes, I stay home to take care of our child, but this is our child and our home so we should both share responsibilities. I'm good with doing the lion's share of the work, but I'm not okay with is being expected to do everything.

I think you should talk to him. Whether you decide to be calm and collected or immature like me

I also want to add that I go the immature route at times as well. For example, DH will often say he picks up the house, but he only picks up after himself, never me or our DD. So when I pick up things I will leave his stuff laying around. Or I will threaten to stop doing his laundry, he has learned that I will follow through so this usually whips him back into shape.

Elyse1384 · November 2016

My DH grew up in a similar household to yours. His dad is a c-level executive and his mom was a SAHM who took care of everything. The man lived with them into his mid-20s (holy turnoff) and the woman would still clean his room, fold his clothing, cook his meals, buy him new outfits, etc. My God! Before we had our first, we had a very serious come to Jesus conversation. I came from a household of two working parents where everything was split 50/50. I demanded the same from him. Particularly difficult for his ego is that I'm the breadwinner (have been since we began our careers). He struggled with that a lot early on, but now it never comes up and we're a well oiled machine. He even steps up more with the kids when I'm pregnant because I usually struggle a lot early on and at the end. Sure from time to time it takes the occasional snarky reminder that this is NOT his parents' household, but deep down I think he just really wants to be a provider and give me the option to stay home. We would both prefer for me to be a SAHM, but financially it is not an option at this time. When both work outside the house, I believe it is the responsibility of both to care for inside the house at night and on weekends (or whenever not at work).

That said, we have discussed that if I do get the chance to stay home at some point (I mean we do want 5...) things will still be shared. I told him that just as his workday ends, so will mine. When he walks in the door from work at 6, everything goes right back to 50/50. On weekends... 50/50. Hey... SAHMs need a break too! When DD was a newborn I kept DS out of school during those first 3 months. I LOVED it (for me personally much easier and rewarding than being a working mother, but I also have a high pressure job that probably contributes to that feeling of 'never good enough'). I have said that if I stay home, I will of course cook and clean as much as possible during the day, but come the evening it is an equal opportunity household for messes to clean, diapers to change and bedtime rituals. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and be a bit of a b, cause if that resentment festers it will just become a nasty fight.

Mtnmommy · November 2016

At this stage in pregnancy, everyone has to give a little. It's not like you want to be sick, or fatigued. I'm sure there are things you want to do too that you can't because you feel lousy. And it's temporary. I'd say your husband needs to get a grip and readjust his expectations and realize that this is a season of your lives.

Moneypenny424 · November 2016

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. We've had to have many conversations in our house about the division of labor. As our daughter has gotten older, it has gotten better (and yes, I may have said a few times to him, "if anything ever causes us to get a divorce, it will be that you do not help me enough"). Our issues though, were never due to him having a 1950s mindset, thankfully.

I do think that when heads are a bit cooler, you both need to talk about your expectations and to clearly lay out what the options are. Set out what you can and cannot do, but be clear that things cannot stay the way they are. If he wants a traditional marriage, then you cannot work too. If he wants you to work, he is going to have to help you AND lower his expectations. Your situation has changed; therefore, the dynamics in the family need to change. You need to be strong and firm. Good luck to you.

berg · November 2016

I have a bit of a different perspective here. I make more money than DH. I work 50-70 hours a week. I have an hour commute each way. I leave the house super early and I'm home pretty late. Sometimes I do work things at the house on weekends. Just bc DH chose a career in a lesser paid field, doesn't mean he's my slave or owes me his worth in laundry. It isn't 'his' job to do my laundry. It isn't 'his' job to cook me dinner, or clean the house, or any of it. I find it so concerning when women say their husband refer to things as their jobs. You both should be doing shit. You both created your children. You both live in the house. You both use the shower. You both eat. I could go on and on. Money isn't an excuse to sit around on your ass and demand your clothes to be hand washed and your food spoon fed to you while your feet are being rubbed because your day was 'stressful'. Money isn't something you hold over your spouse's head. The idea that the more money you make, the more stressful your job is, is bullshit. Look at the Kardashians. I work in the corporate world, mostly with men in high-powered positions, and let me just say, it's no where near as stressful as raising a kid (no less more than one with another on the way). I don't even have a child yet and I can say that with confidence. If I were any of you with husbands demanding that you do more while pregnant and taking care of children and working (or even not working), I'd sit down and have a very frank discussion ASAP.

acrose0226 · November 2016

I agree with @berg. I am also the "breadwinner" between me and my husband, and I never ever expect him to do more around the house than I do. I work longer hours, I travel for work more, I take work home on weekends. But I still do my fair share of house work - grocery shopping, most of the meal planning and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry, etc. My husband is exceptionally supportive and pulls his fair share of the house work, too. We look at finances as "combined" -- we never talk about who makes more because it frankly doesn't matter, we talk about what we are blessed with jointly. And that's how we approach our marriage and life in general -- we're a team in everything...in jobs, making a home together, making and raising a baby together, etc. There are times when we need to flux -- he'll take on more or I'll take on more depending on what else is going on in life, but we are team.

delujm0 · November 2016

@berg all of this. DH's job is WAY WAY less stressful than mine, he works at least 10-15 fewer hours a week than i do, and he makes a at least 2-3x what I do in any given year. Sometimes he believes that because we have the same educational background and he "went out and found a really flexible job" that he "deserves" to sit and watch TV at night while I am dealing with shit from 5am-9pm nonstop. False. He was extremely lucky to find the job he has, and there is literally NO OTHER JOB LIKE THAT ON EARTH, and he will eventually have to find another job and learn this lesson. But believe me, these little transgressions do not last long, because I lose my mind when they do. It is nice to have that extra money to throw around on ridiculous home renovations though. ;-)

It is legitimately really bad if you're breastfeeding and working though, that first year. Because there is very literally nothing your husband can do to take the added work of pumping off of your plate. There was a time where I was attached to a pump for 2+ hours a day. I had to give up working out in order to keep up with it. It was a whole thing. So you should prepare for that ahead of time, because I felt a lot of anger toward DH while that was happening, and it really wasn't his fault that I insisted on breastfeeding. He told me several times to just give it up and we could formula feed but I didn't want to. But those nights, when he was watching TV and I was barely finding time to get my shit together for the following day, I could have killed him, truly.

Elyse1384 · November 2016

@delujm0 I feel you on the pumping and BFing thing! I'm out of the house from 7-6 M-F which means my pump sees way more of my girls than DH or baby. Plus it is so hard not to feel irritated by the extreme difference in time spent feeding a breastfed baby. It is exhausting and hearing DH complain about giving one bottle would drive me INSANE.

As an aside and don't want to derail this thread, but I see a couple of ladies (@berg and @acrose0226 are breadwinners too). First of all - ladies lets take a moment to fist bump some girl power. Of course any job contributing to a household is valuable and an incredible important job. Whether a woman makes less than, equal to or more than her significant other should be irrelevant, but for me personally when I'm surrounded by DH's family and their archaic views of the male vs female dynamic, I feel a sense of pride in smashing their absurd, sexist statements about a woman's role in the household.

That said, being a working mom is HARD. Hands down the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel like I have two full time jobs and I'm not performing to 100% at either. I often think I feel this way because society has the attitude of "just call mom" or "this is mom's issue to figure out". When my kids have doctor appointments, illnesses and/or daycare closures, it all seems to fall on me. Just a word of caution if this is your first... have an open and honest dialogue along the way if you start to notice this pattern. Also while I agree that both jobs are important and both partners should contribute across the household equally, you might find yourself in a situation where you both have a lot going on at the office, but someone has to take the time and if it is always you, that could compromise a much needed salary. Also where are these men finding these stress free high paying jobs??? I would like one please. I'm EXHAUSTED. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie "How does she do it".

swanbrooner · November 2016

I came back to say essentially what @acrose0226 said. You and your husband are not in competition with each other. You are on the same team with common goals. Marriage needs to be a partnership in all forms of the word.

I never understand when couples don't work together for the overall success of their team, whether it be financially or other wise. It just seems like a recipe for resentment.

Unfortunately, I don't see his expectations changing without an uncomfortable coversation or two. The precedent of you doing all or most of the house work has already been established.

He needs to pitch in. Bottom line.

Find a system that works for you. Have a chore chart and sign up for things at the beginning of the week. Have designated chores for each of you. Take care of your own laundry and dishes. Figure out something that doesn't leave you feeling like this is all your responsibility.

berg · November 2016

@delujm0 I'm trying to brace myself for how much things are going to change both at home and professionally. I do plan on breastfeeding and we'll see how long I can go. I try to be realistic about things. But I know that means there are things that DH just won't be able to help with. I just have to try and keep that in the forefront of my mind and not murder him in his sleep. I do not have visions of this being easy by any means.

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

@Elyse1384, I love the idea that it would switch back to 50/50 when both are home, even if you're a SAHM. Being a sahm is hard stuff! It's non-stop!

delujm0 · November 2016

I would like to shout out to the SAHMs too, I literally do not know how you do it, that actually sounds a lot harder than "sitting on my fat ass in a cube all day and then going home to my kid." DD is so active, and I can't imagine being on my own all day with more than one of her. Respect.

MotherofDragons · November 2016

I am shocked at some of these dynamics. just want to send my sympathy for some of you ladies. Dang.

LAMCH1980 · November 2016

@acrose0226, You are living in my dream relationship. I think I need to hire you as my life coach.

@swanbrooner, you are right. I set the precedent. When we met, 13 years ago, I was a divorced, single mom of a three year old. We started living together and didn't marry for another 5 years, so in that time, I never wanted to "put him out" by doing chores for my daughter. I didn't want to dump my responsibilities on him. I was young and didn't see how I was setting things up. We've been through two 18 month deployments over the years too. When that happens, you just have to automatically do everything. I guess we didn't do a good job transitioning back. He had a hard time when he came back from war...so I figured if I took everything on, he could cope. I've obviously created a lot of this. I just don't know how to undo it...

amberp1528 · November 2016

I have to say my DH has been pretty good thus far. I do stay at home 90% of the time (I am a sub for a private school). I am a full time student so it made more sense for me to stay at home for 2 years to finish. (I will be done is may) then take twice as long to finish my degree. He has been cooking everyday (dinner) for the last few weeks but by the time he is getting home I am feeling sick/cant keep my eyes open so if he wants dinner he has to make it....but lately he is making "jokes" about how he is having to do everything. It is not funny!!! So I can only slightly feel your pain. I hope things get better! Have a great thanksgiving!

JAGinMI · November 2016

LAMCH1980 said:

@Elyse1384, I love the idea that it would switch back to 50/50 when both are home, even if you're a SAHM. Being a sahm is hard stuff! It's non-stop!

I feel the need to clarify: Above I said that I get when men have an expectation the home is the woman's responsibility when she is a SAHM, but I did mean what Elyse said. She works all day in the home, just like he works outside the home. When he gets home, it should be a total team dynamic, and not that he doesn't lift a finger.

mkrel · November 2016

@LAMCH1980 It seems like a good place to start might be by discussing with him what you just said. Let him know that you can see how things of gotten this way, and discuss what you have been through together. Then lead that into talking about the change that needs to be made?

lmc929 · November 2016

I will preface this with saying that my husband has been incredibly helpful and definitely does his fair share around the house -- but I agree 100% in the fact he does not comprehend how sick I feel and seems to think I am slacking. Especially with his parents coming to town this week.

On the subject of laundry, when we first started living together he told me that his dad never does laundry and I simply laughed and said "good for your dad - YOU do laundry".

Now he just points it out to our 20 month old son every time he is doing it "look, daddy is doing laundry again!". I figure, while passive aggressive, our son is definitely going to know daddy does laundry.

mamaelle27 · November 2016

OP-You've gotten some good advice for dealing with the overall issue. This is a common issue and you guys love each other so you'll find a way to work through it. In the mean time, it might help to give him specific, practical explanations and solutions, as men usually work better with specific requests/less emotional responses. For example,

I'm not up for making dinner b/c I puked all day and I can't stomach looking at food, but here are some quick things you can make for yourself.

I haven't done laundry b/c I'm too exhausted to walk up and down the stairs with the basket, maybe you could do the laundry and I can fold it.

Later...I'm too big to get down and scrub the bathtub, here's how to do it.

I know that may seem silly, but it usually works better than the broad "I can't do it, help more". Sometimes they genuinely don't know how to help.

delujm0 · November 2016

Am I weird that laundry is actually the one chore that I don't mind doing? I almost enjoy it. A lot of it is that I don't trust DH to remember what of my stuff can't go in the dryer, nor do I trust him to fold anything correctly, but still. He actually recently asked me why I bother to do it every weekend, and if I can just do it every other week to save time. He didn't realize that then I'd just have twice as much to do, so it would not save any time at all, but it was a nice thought. :-)

Assiram42 · November 2016

MotherofDragons said:

I am shocked at some of these dynamics. just want to send my sympathy for some of you ladies. Dang.

This. Not to boast, but I'm feeling pretty thankful for my H right now. He's a SAHD and also the breadwinner, but he has been in a similar mindset at the OP's husband at one point, when I was a SAHM. He has since changed his tune since the shift in our family dynamics.

Knottie42089123 · November 2016

Division of labor at home is such a toughie. My husband had been taking care of about 90% of home stuff because he had a flexible schedule and was naturally more domestic than me. I set the table and did laundry and that summarized my contribution. One of our biggest marital issues is that I'm a slob and he's a neat freak. I currently make more and the job involves travel as well as tons of evening and weekend work if I let my boundaries down.

Now we're entering a different season. He's holding down his full time job while running the business we bought, the one in which I've pretty much become a non-contributor because of my fatigue. If all goes well he'll start outearning me. I consider the business his because he's basically doing everything. I never see him because he works morning and night. So I'm alone, exhausted and trying to figure out where each meal is going to come from because I don't have him right now to cook. I'm fully responsible for the mess that starts growing because he's never home and I'm too tired most days to clean. He is patient but eventually it wears on him because he can't live in "filth" and needs to clean.

I'm basically your stereotypical "husband" that you see in the media, leaving socks everywhere and toilet paper rolls empty. My husband did not understand in the beginning of the pregnancy why I couldn't help shoulder the load, saying I was pregnant and not something worse. Now he understands more but it's breaking my heart to not be able to do much. If I had contributed more before the pregnancy I would not feel as guilty. This is a big life lesson for me. Now I'm gonna cry!

michaela0704 · November 2016

@delujm0 I am with you on the laundry... aside from our difference of opinion on detergent, he doesn't separate by color (hello pink socks), check for stains before to know what pieces are stained and AFTER washing to make sure they came out prior to putting in the dryer (hence why he lost his baby clothing washing 'privileges' - he is on folding ONLY duty now), and he doesn't manage size/heat settings on either the washer or dryer appropriately. I guess I'm too crazy about laundry, but he drives me crazy and I don't trust him to wash ANY of my clothes.

semicolon · November 2016

This is pregnancy #3 for me. Last time I was so nauseous, I lost almost 20 pounds. So there is no argument with my husband. He helps out, or I loose my mind. I feel like crap a lot.

That being said, he needs to listen to you and treat you like a human being and not a roomba.

Is is he suffering from depression, stress, or anxiety? Something that could be clouding his judgment?

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