I need a little advice please — The Bump
2nd Trimester

I need a little advice please

So, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Basically, my problem is that I still live "at home" with my father and my aunt (his sister). To give you a little background, I'm 20 years old, enganged to a wonderful man, and I'm at 23 weeks. I live at home because I can't afford a place of my own. My pregnancy was unintended.

My aunt and I have had a bad relationship since we moved in with her when I was 4. She's manipulative, controlling, and she throws major tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I am one of two people in the family that tries very hard not to enable her behavior. Everyone else says to just ignore her or give her what she wants and make her happy. I'm a take no crap kind of person, and think this is a load of crap. She's 60 years old and needs to learn to deal with things like an adult. 

Well, ever since I told her that I'm pregnant she has been constantly telling me what to do, what to eat, and to get more exercise. I know these are important things. I eat a very nutritious diet and I exercise regularly, but I also have terrible morning sickness even now. She asks me what food I can eat, and I make sure to communicate with her what I can't. She insists that she wants to help me stay healthy, but then she purposely goes and buys the very foods I've told her I can't eat at all or that I can't keep down. I generally try to buy my own food, but my financial situation currently doesn't allow me to as much as I would like.

She's getting very demanding about housework. She has always expected me to do more than everyone else, but now its like she purposely makes messes just so she can demand I clean them up. I get a lot of passive aggressive notes about how the house is a mess, and in her last one she even dared to demand that I pay her money because she cleaned up the kitchen (I admittedly had left a few dishes in the sink along with her pile. The rest of the mess was hers). 

And to make matters even more interesting, I finally found a job after having been unemployed for a little while (my last day at my previous job was a week before I found out that I'm pregnant). She was very pushy about me finding a new job. That's fair. I was looking like crazy, but sometimes it takes time to find work. But its not goid enough. She's now demanding that I find a second job.

She keeps trying to tell me how to deal with my pregnancy and how to care for my baby afterwards. She is telling me not to bother with breastfeeding because I'm "a wimp who can't deal with being off my migraine medication." My migraines last weeks at a time and usually blind me. I have to be medicated to function. She also got mad at me when I told her that I'm having my baby shower before I have the baby (the plan is about 6 weeks before my due date). She has even gone so far as to criticize my choice in what hospital I'm going to deliver at. She just has no concept of boundaries.

I'm having a lot of problems with her. She's stressing me out to no end, and I've tried to ask my dad to help me with her, but he won't say anything to her even though he agrees she's being unreasonable. If I say anything to her, she goes and tells the whole family how I'm horrible to her and ungrateful and then I get to deal with them. Please offer advice if you have it. This can't continue. Its not healthy for anyone involved.

Re: I need a little advice please

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  • Honestly, you're going to have to find a way to leave.  The environment isnt healthy and it's not likely that even if you did confront her, that it would change anything.

    Get a second job if you have to and save every penny to put towards an apartment.  Contact social services to see if you qualify for any housing benefits as a temporary solution.  


    All of this. You're gunna have to suck it up, buttercup. With baby on the way, the only easy day was yesterday. 
    Yup to both of these. She sounds like a miserable person but it's still her house you're living in. You can't fight this battle until you are on your own turf. 
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    SnarkasaurusRexonechoctawgirlKonaCoffeeBean
  • Seconding everything other PPs have said. You're going to have to figure out a way to get out of there and make your own way.
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  • Her house, her way that is just how it is. I agree a social worker or if you go to your county health department they have counselors trained to help people navigate these exact situations. You are not the first pregnant lady to need a new path to take. They could have great ideas for you to get started and are a free resource.                 
    onechoctawgirl
  • Where's your fiance? Can you move in with him? To echo PP - You need to leave. Simple as that
    Me:28 | DH: 28
    Married: 07-2014
    TTC #1: Since November 2015
    Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016
         due to previous issues.
    ***TW***
    BFP: 11/4/2016
    *TW*
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    boymomstrong
  • I know when you don't make a lot of money it can seem impossibly hard to move out on your own, but the thing to make it possible is to do everything, even the smallest things, to start moving in that direction. Don't accept your situation as something you just have to deal with. Don't become complacent about it. Your Aunt isn't going to change. You will have to create the change in your life that you want.

    FIRST thing to do? Stare saving like mad, and look for a second job as hard as you looked for the first! Don't buy ANYTHING you don't need. Set goals.

    SECOND: Start looking up the prices of apartments in your area and surrounding areas. You might be surprised and find something that is more affordable than you thought. See if you have a friend who would split a place with you to keep the rent even lower! As someone else mentioned see if you can get help through social services. Even if you can't move right this second the more you start planning, dreaming, and looking the more focused you will become on your goal of leaving and it will happen faster when the moment is right.

    THIRD: If you haven't already, make sure you know how to take care of things for yourself like shopping, paying bills, taxes, setting up doctor appointments etc. I don't know if this is you or not, but I do know that a lot of young people who live at home let their parents or relatives take care of these things with out thinking about it, and then get themselves into trouble when they first go out on their own and realize they never learned how to adult.

    Good luck!

    SaphireSweetie88
  • I want to know where your fiancé is in all this. He needs to step up and help you out, because he helped create the baby, and he will have to help care for it. That starts with helping take care of you while you're pregnant. 

    Second, I understand not being able to afford your own place, but if you've known your aunt was this bad since you were 4, I personally would have done everything in my power to get out as soon as I was old enough... 

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