[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 11. 1

dmontgo · November 2016

The holidays are starting to sneak up on us, bringing out all of the family crazies! What's your family doing this week that's making you want to drown yourself in gravy and giblets?

slartybartfast · November 2016

Dear mom and dad, you can't have a positive place in your family unless you take care of yourselves emotionally.
Sounds obvious but the choices they've made the past few years and their unwillingness to be open to help or support makes it clear that they don't understand how much of an emotional burden they continue to put on us.

A vague post but I feel sort of bewildered when people don't seem to understand that you can't be a healthy person in your family's life if you aren't healthy yourself.

dmontgo · November 2016

My dad is in such denial about my brother and despite my mom being a diagnosed schizophrenic, cannot fathom that his children may have some mental health issues as well.

My brother, even before his issues with alcohol and pain killers, was never great at school. He is an absolute genius, but has always struggled with homework, assignments, and even simple chores. I had mentioned to my dad a long time ago that I think something is wrong and he would benefit from seeing a psychologist. My dad guffawed and said my brother is just lazy.

So this past weekend, my dad actually came up to me and said that brother had to go to the doctor. Confused at what he was referring to, I asked why, and dad said that brother was being a "dumbass." Come to find out, my dad actually took him to the psychologist... surprise, my brother has been diagnosed with ADD and depression! These diagnoses make perfect sense.

My dad was grumbling about brother being stupid and blah blah and I got right in his face and I told him that he *better* take the doctor's diagnoses seriously and get my brother help. We both know what the human mind is capable of, so why would you automatically default to saying that mental health issues aren't real? This shocked my dad and he backed down and said brother has been scheduled for a psychiatrist appointment this week for some medicine. This makes me so, so happy.

I guess my dad is embarrassed that his child is struggling with mental health. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel angry that my dad waited this long to get my brother help. I wonder what life would be like if he tried helping years ago.

slartybartfast · November 2016

@dmontgo - I think one of the most important things as a parent is having an open mind about who your child actually is and what tools and challenges they work with. I think a lot of the times parents raise the kids they want to have or think they should have instead of recognizing their children as sovereign individuals with strengths and weaknesses. I feel bad for your brother and I also have often had the same thought about my own brother. My parents spent so much energy focused on what he wasn't good at instead of helping nurture the things he is good at

MissLeighAndBabyG · November 2016

Long story short, my ex attempted to make me look like a bad mom on social media and his mom found out and if he slips up again he will no longer be welcome to stay in her guest room with his girlfriend and her 2 year old. Aka they'd have to get jobs and start being adults. So here's to hoping they're forced to grow up!

MissLeighAndBabyG · November 2016

dmontgo said:

My dad is in such denial about my brother and despite my mom being a diagnosed schizophrenic, cannot fathom that his children may have some mental health issues as well.

My brother, even before his issues with alcohol and pain killers, was never great at school. He is an absolute genius, but has always struggled with homework, assignments, and even simple chores. I had mentioned to my dad a long time ago that I think something is wrong and he would benefit from seeing a psychologist. My dad guffawed and said my brother is just lazy.

So this past weekend, my dad actually came up to me and said that brother had to go to the doctor. Confused at what he was referring to, I asked why, and dad said that brother was being a "dumbass." Come to find out, my dad actually took him to the psychologist... surprise, my brother has been diagnosed with ADD and depression! These diagnoses make perfect sense.

My dad was grumbling about brother being stupid and blah blah and I got right in his face and I told him that he *better* take the doctor's diagnoses seriously and get my brother help. We both know what the human mind is capable of, so why would you automatically default to saying that mental health issues aren't real? This shocked my dad and he backed down and said brother has been scheduled for a psychiatrist appointment this week for some medicine. This makes me so, so happy.

I guess my dad is embarrassed that his child is struggling with mental health. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel angry that my dad waited this long to get my brother help. I wonder what life would be like if he tried helping years ago.

That's frustrating. Mental health is just as important as anything physical! At least it sounds like he's attempting to help your brother now! FX he can take it seriously!

dmontgo · November 2016

@slartybartfast That is exactly what happened with my dad and my brother and I. My dad has very specific ideas about what it means to be a man or woman. He's already trying to superimpose ideals of manliness onto Ashton like loving hunting and such, and I am of the opinion that he should be exposed to everything and then HE can decide what he's interested in.

I gently brought up the diagnosis to my brother, and he was so relieved to know that there was something going on that he can get help for. He said that he always has a million things on his mind at once, and when he starts a project, he's compelled to start another one. He said he was afraid of talking to my dad about it.

I have hope now that with help things will turn around for him and he can leave my parents house and pursue his dreams. I have hope that he won't need pain pills and alcohol anymore too.

brittnic86 · November 2016

My dad. Many of you know he was incredibly, inexcusably RUDE when I told him I was pregnant. Many of you also know about the letter I sent to him calling him out on his BS in August. My mom said that my letter "made him think", but seriously, in the end, he'd rather hold a grudge against my husband, rather than let shit go and get to be a grandpa. Because yes, I did say he couldn't see his grandchildren. I wasn't being petty, if you knew my dad and the shit he's pulled with me, you'd completely understand. I saw him in August, a couple of weeks after he got the letter. He didn't even acknowledge that I was there. Didn't look at me, didn't say anything to me, at all. Last month (October) my mom said she had baby stuff for me, stuff that apparently my dad had picked out. Like, a bunch of clothes. I told her I didn't really know what she expected, he still hadn't spoken to me. Like a week after that I was at my parents house, and when I came in my dad asked if I was going to sit down. So I did....and while I was talking to my mom he would quietly interject every now and then saying something...he sent me home with food...still..I'm just like uhhh okay. Elephant in the room still! Then yesterday my mom text me to say my dad was asking about taking vacation when the girls are born to come see them, that he was asking if he could see them. Still not talking to me!! Then my mom goes on to say that he's not healthy, that he seriously thinks he's dying, and that this could be his only chance, and that he asks about me all the time. First off, my dad doesn't take care of himself, he never has. He's diabetic, and like 400 pounds. He chooses to be unhealthy and miserable. Secondly, way to play a sympathy card. I ended up saying fine, but seriously, NO DRAMA. BE A CIVIL HUMAN BEING. I feel that it's ridiculous that I have to ask my 53 year old father to not act like a child. Oh and still, he hasn't talked to me...just through my mom.

dmontgo · November 2016

@brittnic86 Your dad should have his own hashtag: #annoyingdad

slartybartfast · November 2016

@brittnic86 no one feels the need to limit grandparent access to their children for unjustified reasons. Big hugs to you for what BOTH of your parents are putting you through. How can you know what is coming from your dad and what is skewed by your mom? I'm so sorry you are having to be the adult here. It's not fair and you deserve better.

brittnic86 · November 2016

@slartybartfast

aevan011 · November 2016

@slartybartfast & @dmontgo it really shouldn't amaze me after all these years, but I don't know how a parent can choose to be so blind to their kids' needs, lives, strengths, etc. @dmontgo I'm so glad your brother is finally getting some help that will probably change his life. @brittnic86 your dad is a jerk. He's really lucky you're giving him chances. You shouldn't have to.

My gripe this week: my sister (19) has decided to take some time off from college to work, save money, and "improve emotionally and physically" - which I am 100% supportive of - she never has been great at school and was only going to college to appease abusive mom and overbearing grandma. She has very specific goals and time frames even written down and I'm so proud of her for trying to take control of her life.

Well, the shit hit the fan when she told grandma (who she's living with right now after escaping mom). So the last few days I've just been bombarded with texts from sister about how upset she is...which pumps my anxiety up...but she refuses to seek out a pro counselor bc "Mom will find out" since she's still providing health insurance. I've told her repeatedly that I can't continue to be her 'therapist', and my brother even has agreed that he needs to be more in her corner to take the load off my shoulders. Wasn't sure why my sister wouldn't come to him with issues...so I pry a little while talking to him.

I tell my brother about this latest issue and come to find out, he's NOT listening to her, he's now putting HIS two cents into the situation, making her more unsure about her decisions. He even gave me a lengthy synopsis of his "theory" as to why our mother is the abusive person she is - basically excusing her behaviors due to "what she's been through".

I finally told him to cut the shit, because he went to school for computer programming and his experience he cited for giving this advice and theories : "I've talked to a lot of people, I spend time online giving advice". I'm sorry, WHAT?! You are not a licensed therapist, you know nothing of psychology. Just effing listen to your sister and be there for her. How hard is that?! Like....at what point does "I wish I'd gone to school for psych" and "I like giving advice in chat rooms" qualify you to be psychoanalyzing? Furthermore, he's 29 and still doesn't have a firm grasp on his OWN life.

long rant. Thanks for the space to vent, ladies.

dmontgo · November 2016

@aevan011 I would really hate to be the people on the receiving end of his " advice" on the Interwebz.

Invalidation is one of the worst things abuse survivors can experience... especially from those close to them. It truly does NOT matter why someone else abuses other people -- what matters is that they do and there are real repercussions and emotional wreckage. Yes, there may be profound reasons behind the actions, but if they do nothing to fix them or be a better person, all of the past history in the world doesn't matter. There is still a huge lack of responsibility. That's what makes us different from them: we not only recognize there is a very real problem, but we also take steps to break the cycle. Shame on your brother.

SarahF8611 · November 2016

Mine seems petty but my mother is driving me insane by telling my 2-year old "don't worry, I won't like your sister as much as I like you" like three times a week over Facetime. She says shes kidding (and I know she is, of course) but still, he MAY understand what she's saying and that's not exactly the right message to send him. Plus, I asked you to stop, so just stop. My parents are really great about accepting our wishes on things, it's almost like she just thinks its funny and won't take me seriously. Last night DH told her he was going to start taping her to get it on camera to show baby girl some day. Maybe that will get her to cut it out. Grrrr.

aevan011 · November 2016

@dmontgo I told him that giving out advice is nice and all, but that he is clearly going beyond his qualifications. I was so angry with him. Fortunately I've done a lot of work on myself so I didn't lose my cool. I told him in similar terms what you said above. That yes, obviously mom has a history that led her to be this way, and I don't think she's inherently evil....but all the analysis in the world still doesn't change what she's done, how it has hurt all three of us "kids", and the fact that she STILL DOESN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!! Ugh. Hopefully he gets it now. He has self esteem issues of his own so I think giving advice makes him feel some sense of self worth, but that's not healthy for him OR random people who are chatting with him.

aevan011 · November 2016

@SarahF8611 That sounds really irritating. You're right, even if she's joking it sends the wrong message. Hopefully after your husband's threat to record her she'll get the point and quit that.

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