How would you tell someone...

SKZW · October 2016

Hi everyone! Opinions please!
How would you tell someone you were pregnant, knowing that she's been trying to get pregnant for quite some time, in a way that shows you respect her situation, and would like give her the time to process, without any expectations of happiness in return? It's a fine line that I don't want to completely trample by being a total moron. (Or, what if it were you, on the receiving end, and you were trying, how would you want that convo to go?)

Here's the deal. In a few weekends there will be a family gathering, at which we're going to tell people via my son's t-shirt. So, like, not a huge announcement at dinner or anything, just a "check out his shirt" when we run into various people throughout the weekend, and tell people in small groups like that. We just want to share our joy with people, face to face, and not be those annoying people who attention-whore everything about themselves. No thanks. So I have this one relative, who, when we're together, we're super close and pick right up where we left off, but in our daily lives, we don't chat much; it's more of a "see you twice this year" kind of relationship, but we still super love each other a ton, and we're close in age, so of course I care about her feelings. I actually feel okay about pulling her aside and saying "hey, I'm preg, just so you know, and I wanted to tell you directly, so you heard it from me" ... OR, even, maybe let the word get around, and give her the chance to say congrats on her own if she wanted to (or, knowing maybe it were difficult, if she didn't say congrats at all, that that'd be okay too, as long as I knew she knew, because I still want her to know)... but I'd rather do it personally than rely on word of mouth like that.

Here's the wrinkle. No one is "supposed" to know that she's been trying to GP. I only do because someone went around one time telling a few people (and I'm not 100% positive that person was given the OK to do so?) (And I'm fairly certain only a few people know in total anyway?). Like I said, I'm not an AW, and neither is she, and apparently we're both similar in that we keep things private, and that's A-OK with me. But I'd feel weird telling her I'm preg, acting the fool as if I didn't know she's trying, and then have her maybe have some "off" reaction, and me not being able to play along, being the total open book I am. I'd rather just have things out in the open, right at the start, like, "I heard awhile ago that you're trying your own thing, and I'm here for you if you ever want someone to talk with about it, and I'm bringing it up b/c I have some news, and I wanted to tell you privately in case you needed some time to process it this weekend and we can catch up some other time..." or something along those lines. I know she'd be happy for me (as this will be my 2nd, fx, and she loves the first) but I'd still like to be sensitive of her feelings and gentle in my announcement. What do you guys think? (Did I leave out any details that change your mind about how to address this? If I did, please ask me.) Seriously, opinions, please. TIA!

chickyclg · October 2016

I always got irritated when I felt like people were trying to be overly sensitive (it came off as if they were hiding it from me). I would tell her before the event if she's going to be there, I personally liked email or text messages because it gave me time to process things, like if I wanted to be upset with myself. Also it gave me time to decide if I would want to go to the event and see that person.

ETA: I can come back tomorrow and add more, my kids are losing it right now.

KMD1106 · October 2016

chickyclg said:

I always got irritated when I felt like people were trying to be overly sensitive (it came off as if they were hiding it from me). I would tell her before the event if she's going to be there, I personally liked email or text messages because it gave me time to process things, like if I wanted to be upset with myself. Also it gave me time to decide if I would want to go to the event and see that person.

ETA: I can come back tomorrow and add more, my kids are losing it right now.

This exactly. Email or text was much preferred because it gave me time to process. Not having to be excited for you in the moment, getting time to process, and the ability to respond on her own time is the most respectful thing you can do for her. Know that she might need some time to respond. I'm sure she'll be very happy for you, but each pregnant friend or family member stings when you're dealing with TTTC or IF.

mcvgal · October 2016

I agree. Tell her ahead of time and she should definitely hear it from you, not someone else first.

JonesBaby0624 · October 2016

I'm going to just offer support on this one. I've never been in her situation so I won't even pretend to understand how that must feel. It is obvious you care a lot about her, to consider her feelings. It sounds like you are getting great advice from women who have been there, Good luck! I hope it goes smoothly.

vrj0522 · October 2016

I had someone announce to me face to face a few days after I had lost a pregnancy. She was due exactly a month before me. I didn't expect to feel the way I did but it seriously was like a slap in the face and all I wanted to do was get out of there. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for her and my reaction had nothing to do with her pregnancy but it was just a sad reminder that I had lost my baby and wasn't going to be having it come fall time.

I agree with everyone else, send an email or text and you can either tell her that you are trying to be sensitive to her or simply tell her that you want to share news with her that you will be sharing with everyone else at your upcoming get-together. She'll probably need the time to process and will be able to react however she needs to before she can be fully happy for you.

achays11 · October 2016

I'm going to echo what others have said. Tell her beforehand so that she has time to process it on her own. And do it over text or email so that she doesn't have to fake a reaction.

BettyCotton · October 2016

I think also remember that she knows how hard it is for people to get pregnant so she will know that although it happened quicker for you, it's still a beautiful miracle that should be celebrated. Just because it's hard for her doesn't mean she won't be happy for you, or that it will make her upset.
You don't need to be over the top with an announcement but don't feel like you have to hold back! Xx

roper2617 · October 2016

For me personally I always appreciate a heads up in advance. Gives me time to process instead of being taken off guard. I would let her know ahead of time

looney-2 · October 2016

I personally hated being treated like I was delicate or needed to be singled out. Tell me like you tell everyone else. But apparently I'm in the minority.

Kipperoo · October 2016

I've never been in this situation personally, but it sounds like an email or text heads up is the preferred way to go. Since you aren't planning on a big, over the top, announcement, I doubt it would come across as rude even if it just happened in passing in conversation. But if you aren't sure how she's going to react, giving her time to process it independently is probably a good idea. Good luck!!

LCRbelle · October 2016

I would definitely text but maybe do so like you're telling her and not just singling her out?
My sister told me to my face after she knew I had been trying to get PG for years and had several losses. It was very shocking and upsetting but I had to plaster a smile on my face and be happy for her. I would have much rathered she tell in a text so I had time to process the news before seeing her. I was very happy for her but also very sad for myself. I felt blindsided.

march2008 · October 2016

We dealt with secondary infertility this time around. It took us 2 and a half years to get here. It's very thoughtful of you to consider this issue ahead of time. With that being said, it sounds like she hasn't ever really come out and told you she's TTC, so I would worry that it might be a little awkward to tell her separately ahead of time.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation best, either! I personally did not get offended at all and was able to offer congratulations regardless of my own situation when friends over the past years have announced their pregnancies. I'm not going to say that I didn't have a little pity party of my own later on in private, but I was able to rationalize that most people are not going to have difficulty getting pregnant and that I could be happy for them.

The way that you're doing it, by just having your kiddo wear a t-shirt, is not the type of situation where anyone would feel rubbed the wrong way. So I think even if you don't tell her ahead of time, it will be OK.

HLD3194 · October 2016

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/12/29/7-tips-for-sharing-your-pregnancy-with-friends-coping-with-infertility/

Good luck and remember if she's upset it's most likely not at your directly but at their situation.

rkstro2 · October 2016

I agree with everyone who said send a text or email. During my IF struggle I was/am genuinely happy for people who became pregnant but I preferred to have time to be alone to process. Often there were a few tears upon the initial text or email but overall I was happy and didn't want to cry in public at a family event or whatever.

Just an aside : You are so thoughtful! At one point during our journey I suspected DH sister was KU and was going to announce at a family gathering. We were in a truly dark place at that time and I couldn't have handled it publicly. DH called his sister and told her we were having IF issues and we would appreciate a heads up if she was going to announce. She said ok. We ended up missing said family event and it turned out she did announce without warning us. So thankful that we didn't go bc I never want to ruin someone else's moment! All that to say if you suspect she is TTC I would go ahead and give her a heads up bc it will likely be greatly appreciated if you do.

clebl24 · October 2016

I agree with the heads up approach.

SKZW · October 2016

@chickyc @KMD1106 @mcvgal @achays11 @roper2617 @kipperoo
I hadn't considered telling her ahead of time, days in advance, so thx for that idea! I was more focused on how to tell her once we were there, in person, that I didn't even think of doing so beforehand. Ahead of time def makes a lot of sense and she can use that interim time to her advantage, should she need to. I think I'll work on an email.

@JonesBaby0624 Your support and positive vibes are always welcome

@BettyCotton Good point, thank you!

@vrj0522 That's exactly what I want to avoid, that slap in the face feeling, but I know that even if I pick the best way, she still might feel like that... (and it's of course okay to feel that way)... but doing it in advance might help lessen the blow... And to you and @lcrbelle @hld3194 I'm sorry to hear you had that stinging kind of moment, though.

I truly can not even imagine <hugs>

@march2008 Yes, that's the crux of the problem: not making a big deal of her being in the position she's in, but still trying to be cognizant and kind about it... it's the "tone" of it that will help the most, I think.

@dibsontop Right. How do I find that balance of "you're normal and beautiful and strong and don't need to be singled out" vs. "I want you to know that you're not just a face in the crowd to me, that I know this might be a sensitive subject for you, and I respect your sitch enough to share my news gently..." Again, I guess the tone of the email will hopefully find that balance.

@rkstro2 : exactly, I don't want her to be in a position of publicly having to put on a brave face. P.S. That kind of stinks that your SIL had said she'd give you a heads up and then ditzed out. Perhaps it was an oversight on her part, like, she didn't realize what a big deal it was to you (even though her bro called her, duh) but that still would've been an uncomfortable sitch. Glad you didn't go and have to deal with any awkwardness.

Trust me, guys, I've gone over this in my head a TON over the past few days, and while it might seem to be on the verge of overthinking it, I'd rather that be done HERE online (where I can work it through) than IRL. It honestly will probably boil down to a few-minute email, a few-minute live-convo, and that'll be it, when it's all said and done. But I have to work out those nuances in my head, now, in advance, for my own sanity, and I thank you for your understanding that and offering such kind advice!

lilmisscrafty-2 · October 2016

Ditto the text or email. It took me 6 years to get pregnant. I was always happy for my friends but my emotions always got the best of me. I preferred getting an email or text so that I could react in private. That way when I saw them I didn't have to fight back tears and pretend. I could be genuinely happy for them.

SKZW · October 2016

@LilMissCrafty Thank you for that perspective. That's what I want for her: the time and space to take a moment if she needs it. I think the majority opinion here is exactly that, an email/text ahead of time. I'll take it under advisement

luckywife10 · October 2016

I'm going to echo others and suggest a text/email ahead of time. I would definitely NOT suggest letting her hear it from other people you've told at the family gathering because that happened to me and it felt awful. A family member of mine and her husband had been trying for less than a year to get KU and were really stressed about the whole thing. They knew that H and I were also trying. The husband reached out to H and asked if we would let him and his wife know through text or phone call if we got pregnant before them and before we told the rest of the family. We said we would and we meant it. But then they got pregnant before us and they did not tell us before they told the rest of our family. We found out through word of mouth.

So thank you for being so considerate to your family

SKZW · October 2016

@luckywife10 : That really stinks! Especially since you told them you'd definitely give them the heads up and then they turned around and completely reneged on giving you the same consideration. That must've stung a little extra since you'd had that convo with them ahead of time and they didn't remember. <hugs!> Thank you for your perspective. I'm definitely going to send a note.

ekw832001 · October 2016

It's a hard thing to do. I told my coworker who had 2 failed attempts at ivf. She is starting her hormones for the 3rd time in a couple of weeks. Where I work we are a close family to say. We all knew everything she was going through and are probably some of her best support besides her husband. I've cried with her....laughed with her....felt her pain. Then I had to look in her eyes and tell her that I was pregnant. She was happy and ok for me. She would never show her hurt. I think depending how close you are to this person you should tell them in person. It will suck...but here's the good news...you both will be ok.

Luckyu317 · October 2016

I think you've got some great advice. I'm in the "Email or phone call before the visit" camp. I'm sure she'll be happy for you, and she'll have had some time to process it before the reveal happens.

saric83 · October 2016

Given that she has not talked to you about trying, I actually wouldn't say anything in advance. I would feel completely different if she was confiding in you about everything, but that's not the case, and I think I would feel really uncomfortable if someone reached out when I have deliberately not talked with them about it.

Wildflowers and Ferns · October 2016

I just had to tell my sister, who has a son who's still in and out of NICU after being born at 24w and barely surviving... He's 5 months old and mostly out of the woods now but still quite sick.

It was a little awkward, but I ended up telling her that I understand if she feels bad, but because she's important to me I wanted her to know about my pregnancy.

I know she's still mourning for the pregnancy and birth experience she always imagined, and it might be hard for her to watch me go through pregnancy stages and milestones she missed due to being on bed rest and her baby's early arrival, so I guess I just let her know I wouldn't take it personally if she had some sad or bad feelings over it.

kat81 · October 2016

I have the same problem. My sister has been TTC for 3.5 years now, and she's older, and this is my third, whereas she has no children yet. I think I will still call. She is not as much of a text message or e-mail person. But I don't look forward to the call. I will still suck it up and do it right after our next appointment, though, which is when we will start telling people other than our parents, who we already told. (She will be #1 on this next list of people.) I didn't want to tell her and then have a loss. We have seen a heartbeat but we have had a weird start to things so I didn't want to jump the gun on telling her or others.

As for your situation, I would DEFINITELY tell this person ahead of the event. It would be really annoying for her to find out via t-shirt with everyone else. I guess worst case scenario is that if she is feeling upset and vindictive she could start telling people before the reveal and ruin that surprise for you guys, but I feel like that risk is minimal and also not as bad as you hurting her feelings IMO.

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