[OLD THREAD]Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 10.18

dmontgo · October 2016

Another week, more shenanigans. What's your family doing this week that is sure to put you into early, sweaty, awful labor?

AbriannaO · October 2016

Back story - my mom gave me an old dresser that belonged to her mom that I was wanting to transform into the changing table and dresser for the nursery. Dresser is quite old, but very nicely handmade. I thought it would be a great project for my dad to work on since he likes doing building/fixing projects. About 3 months ago, I asked him if he would be interested, he said yes. Because of his inability to schedule well, it takes a while for us to find a time for me to get the dresser to him, so he gets it in the middle of August, which I ask that it be done by the beginning of October. In my mind, that is plenty of time to sand, stain, add a ledge to the top, and make any structural repairs. Well, when I ask him about it mid-September, it still hasn't been worked on. Same when I ask at the end of September. By this time, I am getting upset as I was going to be in his area the first weekend of October and was planning on picking it up (2.5 hour drive between us). When he says that he is gone the first weekend of October, we decide that I will get it on the 15th since I will be in that area again. Then the week before, he remembers that he is also gone that weekend, and that he still has not started it. I said that we will need to meet on the 17th half way after work so that I can get it whether it is done or not because if he isn't going to do it, I need to hire someone to do it. Well, he starts sanding it on the 9th, with plans to stain it on the 12th and add the top poly coating on the 13th. When I get it last night, the stain is still sticky in spots and he did not add a poly coat. The stain is very unevenly applied and he claims that it is because of the age and quality of the wood which wasn't taking the stain well and that when he is visiting mid-November, he can add the poly coating if we are wanting it. By this time, I just can't even any more, so I just take the dresser, say it's fine and we will figure it out. I let my mom know what occurred and she's planning on getting her handy-man to finish staining it, add the poly coating, and to update the drawers as they were not looked at and do not pull out smoothly. So I feel like I wasted 3 months waiting for my dad to do a project that he said was no problem, but obviously had a problem with (baby isn't due until December, why do you need it in October?), when I should have just had my mom take care of it like she warned me to do at the beginning.

Petty problem, but it's just aggravating.

dmontgo · October 2016

@AbriannaO That is incredibly annoying. Last year when I asked my dad in August if he could build a table I designed for DH for our anniversary in December, he took his sweet time too...to the point that even though our anniversary is December 1st...DH didn't receive the table until December 24th. =.=

I was not pleased.

AbriannaO · October 2016

@dmontgo, I can see putting things off for a little while, but when you give plenty of time, I feel like it's just rude. Yes, they're helping us out, but come'on, get it together!! A few weeks ago my dad had asked to come stay at our house the night before he had a conference in our area. I said of course, and asked if while he was here, if he could help my husband out with a couple of small projects that were too heavy for me to help with. He said yes, and proceeded to show up at my house at 9 pm...ummmm, not enough time (or light) to move a couch, assemble a bed, or move a piano - especially since I go to bed around 8 pm. So he had to plan to come over after his conference ended since he decided to go to a pig fry instead of keeping plans with me. I had asked him two weeks ago to look at his schedule and to coordinate with his wife a weekend that he can dedicate to coming down to help with some final projects before the baby comes. He gave me the date, and then last night at dinner (at 8 pm instead of 6:30 since he didn't leave his house on time) I brought up that we were doing some things around the house this weekend, he asked "oh, so you don't need my help then" --- ummmm...I am pretty sure there will still be plenty of things for him to do next month to help up prepare for the baby. We don't ask much, and we feed them very well when they come to help out, how hard is it to just spend a weekend with your daughter and help prepare for your first grandchild!?!

slartybartfast · October 2016

I got an appointment for this afternoon for a counseling session. I feel like what I really need is nar anon but the meetings are late and by the end of the day I'm totally wrecked so I can't count on getting to those.
hopefully this is helpful!

Mamax2 · October 2016

I won't go into full details, beciause it would take me all day to type up. However, I found out this morning that I probably won't be able to see my grandfather again any time soon. Long story short, he is currently in a nursing home about 2 hrs from me. However, my uncle, who lives in south Fla, is insisting on moving my grandfather down to Fla, after finding out that my dad and step mom blew through my grandfather's savings without telling anyone. Y'all, we're talking about right at $200,000 in less than a month. Now, they can't afford to pay the nursing home where my grandfather is.

dmontgo · October 2016

@AbriannaO Yeah and then I hate how we're supposed to be forever in their debt because they helped us do something. It's never just because...we always owe them later or are expected to sing praises. That's why I try not to ask for their help unless it's either an emergency or I know for sure they can help and it would save me money. Most recently my parents "helped" us move by yelling at my brother (who has a knee injury) to move furniture for us. Fortunately we had friends help, but now we will never hear the end of them "helping" us. Bleh.

@slartybartfast So glad you found someone short notice. I hope you feel relief soon!

@Mamax2 I cannot believe what I am reading! I am so sorry. What an awful situation.

slartybartfast · October 2016

@Mamax2 that's heartbreaking- I'm so sorry

Mamax2 · October 2016

Thanks ladies. I'm shocked, to say the least, to have found this out. I don't even understand how it's possible.

aevan011 · October 2016

@Mamax2 That's horrible! I'm sorry your grandfather was taken advantage of and won't be close now.

@slartybartfast I hope your session goes well. Glad you found someone, and I hope you get some relief.

KateH1216 · October 2016

@Mamax2 hugs lady. What a crappy situation for your grandfather and the rest of the family.

cgss11 · October 2016

MIL won't nail down a visit date, just saying it will be 3 days between Christmas and New Years because that's when her husband has off work (taking vacation days are apparently not an option). I had preferred they wait to visit in January, but am trying to be flexible.

My parents are visiting the 17-29, and will stay with us. However, when the in-laws are here they will go stay at my brothers. My brothers in laws are also visiting over the holidays, so they would like to be able to coordinate dates too. But can MIL give a straight answer? Nope. Honestly though with her not even having a flight yet I won't be shocked if the visit doesn't happen at all.

Amecsey · October 2016

@Mamax2
Oh my goodness, I am feel so bad for your grandfather, and all of you that will be affected now. This is so horrible. If there are soft spots in my heart, it is for children, the elderly, and animals. It is absolutely not ok to take advantage of them like that! I'm so sorry!

Carly79 · October 2016

@cgss11 I'm lurking from January 17. I wish you patience when it comes to scheduling with your inlaws. I love my MIL and FIL but their sense of planning drives me up the wall, not too mention FIL still works and time off around the holidays is tough. For the most part, I've started telling them I need to know now because of such and such and if they can't commit now then they will have to make other plans or work around what we end up setting up.

penelope4612 · October 2016

@Mamax2 - I'm so sorry about your grandfather and the whole situation. Hugs.

@cgss11- if it were me I'd probably have DH explain the situation to MIL and tell her that if they can't commit to a date now then they may have to stay in a hotel or elsewhere.

Mamax2 · October 2016

Thanks everyone. I hate that he was taken advantage of. My dad and step mom have done some pretty rude things, but this is definitely at the top of the list. DD is out of school Friday for a teacher work day, so we're going to hop in the car, and head up to visit my grandfather. Alexa adores him, and I don't want her not being able to see him again for only God knows how long.

ajstevenson · October 2016

@Mamax2 I am so sorry to hear this. There was a very similar situation in my ex's family with his grandmother. His aunt and his father were custodians on her account but his aunt lived in the same town as his grandmother and his father lived on the other coast. His aunt took his grandmother to the bank and closed all of her accounts. She then took her to a new bank and opened accounts without his father on them. Before the family knew it his aunt and her husband built a new guest house and art studio on their property, quit their jobs and we're living off her savings, and supporting 2 of their children (one in his 30s the other in her 40s) all on this poor woman's money. This was almost 3 years ago and to my knowledge the family is still in court over all of it. My heart goes out to you and your family.

ETA, spelling is hard.

Mamax2 · October 2016

@ajstevenson wow. I just can't understand why people, especially family, would do things like that to each other. I guess some people are just so money hungry or selfish, that they will do whatever it takes to get what they want.

dmontgo · October 2016

Last night made the great dmontgo cry.

The last family thread I mentioned that my mom wouldn't make the drive to come help me even though we are literally in the same city and I felt very frustrated. I was talking to Step-MIL last night and even though she lives 12 hours away she was offering to take care of me since she also had complicated pregnancies with BP.

She said I could come stay with them until the birth or that they could come for Thanksgiving (we already have plans for then), but I declined because I think traveling back and forth would be a bit stressful for me, but we would love to see them at Christmas. We don't have a guest bedroom anymore, but that they are more than welcome to come. She said "YES, we want to help in any way we can! We will take care of you, Momma!

"

I just started crying because this lady isn't blood, isn't even DH's mom...but she (and FIL) is willing to travel 12 hours to help me when my own mom can't drive 30 minutes to help me make freezer meals.

I try not to get upset and angry at my mom because I KNOW she is ill and I KNOW it's not her fault...but it is hard because I remember who she was...what kind of mom she was. Before her psychotic break, she would have kayaked across the ocean to help me if she had to. She was a strong woman and could do anything. That woman is gone, and I need to let it go. Pregnancy brings up a lot of feelings I have ignored. Sorry for the long post.

AbriannaO · October 2016

@Mamax2 this is the second situation of this that I have heard in the last month! I really do not understand how people can take advantage of their families like this, especially when they need that money to live off of! The other woman that I heard this happening to her grandparents now has to help her grandparents pursue legal actions against her uncle so that they can get the money back that they've stolen! But that is with knowing that they will never get a dime of it because who has that kind of money to pay off?! I am glad that your uncle is able to help take care of him and will keep you and your family in my thoughts!

@dmontgo I am so glad that you have someone that is kind to you during this stressful time! It's amazing how much our chosen family can make such a difference where our blood family can be so hurtful!

mrsmerc2015 · October 2016

@Mamax2 That is terrible. Hugs to you and your family. That is sadly all too common a story.
My uncle and his (common law) wife did the same thing to her mom, now she is forced to live with them because they can't afford to put her anywhere else. They tried to do the same thing to my grandmother, who they insisted move in with them when she could no longer live alone, but my dad has control of her accounts and would only give them a monthly allowance - which they...misappropriated...and would ask my parents for more $$ constantly. It eventually caused a huge rift in my dad's family and my grandmother is now in a really nice nursing home/senior community.

There is always one person in every family that tries to take advantage as someone ages/dies, it seems. We're dealing with this now with my BIL after MIL passed away last week (detailed in last week's family post). I don't get the selfishness/greed.

slartybartfast · October 2016

@dmontgo - hugs about the sadness that comes with having to face that you don't have the family you had/wish you had. That came up yesterday during my counseling session too. It's like mourning a death. Except it's one that can come up again and again because they aren't actually dead. It's something I've got to work on but am still learning how.

Speaking of which, seeing the counselor yesterday HELPED. A LOT. I am not sure what I was looking for but it wasn't what I got. And what I got was so much more effective than what I was expecting. I walked in feeling like I didn't click with the guy. I left feeling like he's really NOT who I would pick for a counselor but that I have much to learn from him. And I think sometimes what I think I need isn't helpful because if I really knew that, why am I stuck in the first place? So I'll go to him for a bit now and then have him as a resource later too. The last few days I've been extremely agitated. Shakey, ragey, exhausted, ancy. Last night I actually got 8 hours of sleep (no sleep aids or anything) and I woke up with a smile on my face.
Still have a lot more to work out and challenges to handle with the family especially as the holidays approach but I'm feeling like I'm breathing a little easier which I definitely need to in order to make the right decisions and not bog myself down doing what's right for my family while ignoring the emotional burden for me

dmontgo · October 2016

@slartybartfast Yes omg. Sometimes I get mad at myself because I have worked through the mourning so many times, and then something will trigger the feeling of loss again and the cycle begins anew. I have noticed that the mourning period gets shorter for me each time, though. Even though I cried last night, today I feel overall fine. It will probably be something I struggle with until they die.

I am so glad that the counseling session helped! Sometimes we don't know what we need until it presents itself in our lives. I'm proud of you for knowing that you needed just a little extra help--it takes a strong person to take that step!

slartybartfast · October 2016

@dmontgo - one line of thinking (that I continually have to remind myself of) that does help me too is reminding myself that I can view myself as victim (of... xyz from childhood, of not having a family that xyz, of needing and not receiving xyz) and it's not wrong - it's totally fair, but it's not helpful. it's, to some degree, everyone's situation, and no one owes me anything because of it. Instead I remind myself that these are the cards I'm dealt, I've learned and grown from them. It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to be strong. And I can do both at the same time.

aevan011 · October 2016

@dmontgo glad you have support even if it's not coming from mom. It's a tough thing to mourn the loss of who she was. *hugs*

@slartybartfast Glad the session went well and you got some sleep! I like the way you put that...it's alright to hurt and ok to be strong and can do both. I'll add that to my inner pep talks.

............and in reading this I realized I missed my counseling appointment this morning....dammit. Never done that before...it's been a weird few weeks. -_-

melundie · October 2016

Ugh. I got into it with my mom over the weekend. We were having a perfectly nice conversation and she goes, "Can I ask you a question?" and I said, "Sure!" and she responds, "How much weight have you put on?"

This has got to be the most common question that I have gotten during my pregnancy. She asked me something similar pretty early on ("Are your clothes starting to fit tighter?") at which point I mentioned that it seemed to be all anyone was asking about and that it made me upset.

So I reiterated that EVERYONE seems to have that question and said something along the lines of, "Why do you care? Why does anyone care? It's between me and my doctor." I was firm, but calm all things considered. At which point she gets all defensive and said she only wanted to know because I look great and everyone she shows my picture to can't believe I'm so far along. And so I responded with, "Well thanks, but why can't you just leave it at that? Why do you or anyone else need to know my exact measurements???" Why couldn't she have just said, "Ok, sorry. I didn't realize this would upset you."?

She stormed off and I actually felt kind of bad. I was upset (might have cried a little), but not going to hold a grudge all night or even ask for an apology, but then she proceeded to be mad at ME and short/nasty to everyone else in the family the whole rest of the night. WHAT THE ACTUAL F***? I'm so frustrated that I always have to be the adult when it comes to the two of us.

Toller · October 2016

slartybartfast said:

@dmontgo - one line of thinking (that I continually have to remind myself of) that does help me too is reminding myself that I can view myself as victim (of... xyz from childhood, of not having a family that xyz, of needing and not receiving xyz) and it's not wrong - it's totally fair, but it's not helpful. it's, to some degree, everyone's situation, and no one owes me anything because of it. Instead I remind myself that these are the cards I'm dealt, I've learned and grown from them. It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to be strong. And I can do both at the same time.

This is very similar to what someone told me in regards to our infertility journey- and is so so true. It's totally okay to hurt, to be mad, to feel it's unfair, that life has dealt you this crappy crappy circumstance. You shouldnt wallow in self pity forever- but you have every right to feel what you feel. Well said slarty.

dmontgo · October 2016

Thank you @slartybartfast and @Toller !

Most days like today I feel really good and I don't dwell on my family situation because it's not something I can change--I can only change how I participate in the dysfunction--which I try hard not to! I know when I spend too much time with them, it makes me feel stunted and trapped, so it's a good incentive to keep my distance.

But every once in a while (more so during this pregnancy than really any other time in the recent past), there will be something that makes me feel that sense of loss and I have to work through it. I tell myself that while my mom isn't the same person she was anymore, I still can draw a lot of strength from the memories I have with her if I let myself do it without regressing. I'm still a work in progress, but happy that I can recognize where I've been and where I'd like to be.

temmetime · October 2016

I'm irritable this morning and need to vent $:\$ DH's sister who has four kids and stays at home asked about three weeks ago if we'd want to go to a Nebraska Volleyball game on the 23rd (this Sunday) if she could find tickets. We said yeah we'd go.. so fast forward to this week and she could only find three tickets, so she's taking their mother and wants to take her daughter. Totally cool with me as I don't HAVE to go and the more uncomfortable I get, the less I want to go do things. Well now suddenly she can't find a babysitter and her DH is harvesting and can't watch their kids.. so we're officially uninvited to the game, but asked to watch their 2, 3 & 4 year old all day. This is at least the 5th time in the last three months that she's relied on us to watch her kids for something.. we suddenly became very popular babysitters when I was 5 months pregnant for some reason as they never used to ask us. I desperately want to pull the 'hey, I'll be 33 weeks pregnant and don't exactly want to spend 1 of my 2 days off watching your monsters, but thanks!" I selfishly admit that I do not want to spend the last few weeks of our kid-free life watching nieces and nephews.
The worst part that got me emotional is that when I try to say something to DH about how much they've asked recently for babysitting or general favors.. he basically slammed that door of conversation in my face and said (and always does) "they'd do it for us if we needed it" The thing is, honey, I wouldn't even ask them. His family calls him for favors ALL THE TIME.. he never complains or asks for favors back. He has Mondays off and I would like him to get things done around OUR home, but he's usually helping out someone in his family.

slartybartfast · October 2016

@temmetime - sounds like it's time to "make some plans" that conflict with being able to babysit

Though maybe being honest and direct with your SIL is the more appropriate advice. I feel like I'd be tempted to just side slip the situation here...

My sister emailed me yesterday detailing manipulative and codependent behavior that it appears my parents transferred completely to her when we set our boundaries with them. It made my husband and I feel so ragey.
I'm working through it, I let her know how DH and I feel about that behavior and what we did but didn't try to save her from it or help her with it otherwise (my impulse in the past). And I'm a frustrated ball of rage again today. So... yea... one step at a time. Al anon friday midday because I've given up on trying to make the late nar anon meetings and then more counseling on Tuesday. I actually think it's really good my go-to stress coping mechanisms aren't available right now (stress eating and exercising til my endorphins calm me down). [ETA - not that I have ever seen stress eating as a legit coping mechanism but not having it available helped push me to actually make the appointment]. I've got too much heartburn and work outs only get me so far at this point. So I am actually having to dissect the emotions - I'm learning so much but have this funny feeling that in the future I'll have to revisit it all. I think with managing emotional health coming from such a dysfunctional family, for me it's going to be a lifetime of work... I won't have ever "made it." That's fine.

temmetime · October 2016

@slartybartfast you nearly read my mind.. I'm thinking about not feeling well all of the sudden on Saturday. I am, after all, 7+ months pregnant.

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