@slartybartfast it's so hard to put yourself in their shoes and really you can't. I look at my MIL and my heart aches for her as this has been 15+ years of pills, heroine, homelessness and prostitution for her daughter. I can't fathom the not knowing... on Mother's Day we got the call that her motel room had been broken into and she was in the hospital getting stitches after being pistol whipped. She watched her son'a father die of a heroin OD right beside her, lost all rights to her kid and yet we are still waiting for that "rock bottom" moment. My H had said numerous times that sometimes it would just be easier if she OD'd so we can all just move on... which sounds awful, but sometimes you wonder if that's really best case scenario. Most city detoxes won't even take her anymore because she's been in and out too many times.
I say all that to say, it's exhausting and you are right to set boundaries. My MIL has finally reached a peace in knowing she's done literally all she can to make recovery possible for her, but she simply doesn't want it. She keeps in contact when she can and obviously that love and concern never wanes, but she thankfully hasn't found consolation in a codependent type relationship with her.
Have your parents attended any Al-Anon type meetings or the like? I know those were a huge wake up call for a friend who's family was in a similar codependent situation. Once they realized just how much damage their delusion was causing, they started making healthy progress and now the daughter who was an addict has been clean for quite some time.
Thanks @FrancisD. - I'm trying to take back my holidays so that I don't put a cloud over them for my kids. And so that I enjoy them myself again. This may not be the year. But hey... maybe it will.
@Christinaruth74 - I relate completely. I don't know if I'm more afraid that he keeps living or that he dies. Unfortunately his journey with this began VERY young. And even if something miraculous happens with his addiction, who he is underneath that is also a tragedy. Life seems like a cruel outcome. Death seems like a cruel outcome.
Al-anon and Nar-anon have been a great thing for our family. In the last place they lived, I got them to start attending meetings under the guise that I wanted them to take me when I visited. Our family made huge strides during that time. Now they've moved and haven't sought out any resources. And now my parents have convinced themselves that recognizing they are powerless and getting wrapped into the chaos doesn't help anyone is not the right approach. That they, in fact, aren't powerless but just need to play their cards right. Nar-anon has been one of the best things in my life. I'm trying to get to a meeting tonight but they are so dang late. My mom helps with childcare 2 days a week right now. I need her to take care of herself somehow. Be it nar-anon or some other counseling. We'll see how things go but I'm prepared to tell her if she can't take care of herself than we can't have her taking care of our son. Unfortunately my dad's ego is too freaking huge to really accept help from anything that conflicts with the idea that he has control in this. That while he may have contributed to his son's destruction, he will not rest until he is his savior. My mom is hates doing anything slightly uncomfortable and shares much of the same personality traits as my brother that keeps him from getting support. I know I'm powerless with them as well but this go around my dad emailed us ridiculously asking us to care for my mom through this... like there's something magic we can do. I emailed back saying it may be really helpful if he can accompany her to some resources outside the family like nar-anon or counseling. Here's to hoping that gets both of them somewhere...
I've been MIA for the past week and a half or so, but my MIL (whom I posted about a few times) passed away unexpectedly last weekend after what seemed like a routine trip to the hospital related to her chronic illness, so things have been crazy around here since we are her only local immediate family and DH (although the youngest) is the one who has to do everything for her.
My "family" issue is related to that. MIL had no will, even with her chronic illness (classic MIL), although she made it very clear to DH, SIL, myself, and many family members/friends that she wanted any $$ to be split between her grandchildren. DH and SIL are both in agreement that that is what should happen.
Then DH's brother (estranged from the family, has already milked thousands and thousands from MIL over the years because he is a man-child that only thinks of himself) has made a reappearance and keeps trying to get his siblings into one of his money making schemes. So, essentially, he doesn't want to adhere to his mother's wishes and wants a hand out, even though one of the grandchildren is his son, a son he hasn't seen in years, hasn't talked to in over a year, and doesn't pay child support for. DH and MIL both keep/kept in touch with the mom and the little boy, who is about the same age as DS.
Because MIL had no will, there is a good chance that her estate will just be split 3 ways between the siblings and he'll get a sizeable chunk of money to piddle away, while the rest of us will split anything between our kids and start trust/college funds for them. He is such a scumbag that, even given the chance to do something for his child, he is a selfish POS.
Fortunately, a friend of mine is a local estate law/family law attorney so DH and I are going to meet with him to see what options we have, if any, but our hopes aren't high given the law as we understand it. I'm so frustrated that MIL, knowing she had a chronic illness (the same one that killed her own mother), didn't get her affairs in order at all and also that there is always that one scumbag family member excited to make a quick $ off of a loved one's death.
@mrsmerc2015 Unfortunately I've been hearing about those exact struggles over the weekend. DH's uncle passed away after a lengthy fight with cancer. Knowing it had been getting progressively worse over the years, he too had no will. He, like your MIL, communicated his wishes to his other siblings, but since there's no will the squabbles have already begun over who is getting what. Essentially, certain siblings think they are entitled to all the assets and then DH's dad should pick up the tab for the expenses. Realistically, even though he communicated his wishes, I'm thinking it will all go to his son who is next of kin. It's so sad in these situations to see greed take over...
Me: 26 & DH: 25
Married: August 2014 TTC since November 2015 BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16 BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
@slartybartfast I wish I was completely unfamiliar with the dynamics you are referring to...but you are describing behavior patterns in my own family. The only thing I've found that helps besides support groups is not even getting involved. Sounds harsh but every time I let my family get too close, unhealthy shit happens and sucks me back in. Last year we used to have my brother (who is 19) over every Friday for Game Night so he could have a break from my parents who, as we all know, are dysfunctional. He'd stay the night and it seemed to be very good for him. Now we can't have him stay the night at all because of his drinking and pain pills issues...which are partly caused by my dad's treatment of him.
My dad is in denial of my brother having an issue so he won't get him real help, but then simultaneously will complain about it and tell me to "talk some sense" into my brother...as if that will provide support or a real solution.
The "take care of mom" dynamic is still very alive and well too, and just adds another layer of frustration. Even during the move (which neither of my parents actually helped with...they simply "hired" my brother), it was MY job...despite my health issues...to take care of my mom during the move. Make sure she's comfortable...make sure she doesn't get scared...make sure she doesn't xyz.
In addition, my dad can't respect very real boundaries. DH personally called my dad TWICE to say that he needs to talk to DH for any issues, qiestions, or concerns so we keep my stress low. My dad acts like my BP is not a real concern and still tries to contact me to take care of mom or brother. Very disrespectful.
So I just keep them away and overall I feel a lot better. Even though it's your brother...don't take this on yourself. It's not your problem. I don't say that to be cruel. These behavior patterns are habits and will suck you in and will leave you feeling drained and helpless. And like we talked about before...we don't have to let anyone take our holidays or joy away. I know it is so hard, but how will they learn if we always bend to their will?
Have a good cry. It's ok to be sad...just don't feel like you have to swoop in and save the day. Hugs to you.
@dmontgo I actually have a question for you - you've mentioned the counseling you've done and I'm wondering if you have any advice. I'm feeling like I need some professional support at the moment - this is all stuff I've worked through before but with the pregnancy hormones added on top and then feeling very depended on to have myself together, I think I need to take some more steps.
I've been to counselors in the past (just 2). One I clicked with but isn't here/available now. The other I did not click with at all. Nar-anon is great but I'm feeling I need some space to unload on someone that can help me untangle personally. I'm feeling a barrier is finding a counselor I click with quickly. I'm wondering if you'd be okay sharing a bit about your counseling experience and if you have any advice for getting that ball rolling?
@slartybartfast This is tricky because meshing well with a counselor is so important because it (as you know) can get very intense with even reliving experiences. For me personally, if I am not comfortable I can't get honest and vulnerable.
However, I have been in a situation like this where I had to simply make do until I found a better counselor. It was an emergency as my boyfriend at the time died suddenly and I thought I was going crazy from being heartbroken. Even though I didn't mesh 100% with that counselor, it helped a lot more than I thought it would because he just listened as I verbalize my feelings. He wasn't a bad person or even counselor, just not my style. But never underestimate a good vent session (or two!).
So I would say in this situation where you are feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed...still see a counselor even if they are not your first choice (assuming they are kind and it's just a difference of personalities) and continue looking for a long-term fit. Being a place that's unbiased to unload feelings provides a lot of comfort even if the counselor isn't the best fit. I hope this helps.
@slartybartfast - I don't know if this will be useful where you live but around here the Psychology Today find a therapist tool can be helpful - lots of people listed and many give a little blurb about what they do (and list insurances they take). You might be able to get a feel from that more than just using a list from insurance.
@slartybartfast - I don't know if this will be useful where you live but around here the Psychology Today find a therapist tool can be helpful - lots of people listed and many give a little blurb about what they do (and list insurances they take). You might be able to get a feel from that more than just using a list from insurance.
ugh I'm having so much trouble finding someone that specializes in substance abuse/codependency. I've been to people that don't before and when I describe my family situation I just get big round eyes which makes me feel even worse. I'll try that tool directly (I have been looking at the site through google results but haven't started a search there). Thanks!
ETA - wow that tool is way better than the ones through my insurance and state. I think I found someone to try! Thanks!
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 10.11
I say all that to say, it's exhausting and you are right to set boundaries. My MIL has finally reached a peace in knowing she's done literally all she can to make recovery possible for her, but she simply doesn't want it. She keeps in contact when she can and obviously that love and concern never wanes, but she thankfully hasn't found consolation in a codependent type relationship with her.
Have your parents attended any Al-Anon type meetings or the like? I know those were a huge wake up call for a friend who's family was in a similar codependent situation. Once they realized just how much damage their delusion was causing, they started making healthy progress and now the daughter who was an addict has been clean for quite some time.
@Christinaruth74 - I relate completely. I don't know if I'm more afraid that he keeps living or that he dies. Unfortunately his journey with this began VERY young. And even if something miraculous happens with his addiction, who he is underneath that is also a tragedy. Life seems like a cruel outcome. Death seems like a cruel outcome.
Al-anon and Nar-anon have been a great thing for our family. In the last place they lived, I got them to start attending meetings under the guise that I wanted them to take me when I visited. Our family made huge strides during that time. Now they've moved and haven't sought out any resources. And now my parents have convinced themselves that recognizing they are powerless and getting wrapped into the chaos doesn't help anyone is not the right approach. That they, in fact, aren't powerless but just need to play their cards right. Nar-anon has been one of the best things in my life. I'm trying to get to a meeting tonight but they are so dang late. My mom helps with childcare 2 days a week right now. I need her to take care of herself somehow. Be it nar-anon or some other counseling. We'll see how things go but I'm prepared to tell her if she can't take care of herself than we can't have her taking care of our son. Unfortunately my dad's ego is too freaking huge to really accept help from anything that conflicts with the idea that he has control in this. That while he may have contributed to his son's destruction, he will not rest until he is his savior. My mom is hates doing anything slightly uncomfortable and shares much of the same personality traits as my brother that keeps him from getting support. I know I'm powerless with them as well but this go around my dad emailed us ridiculously asking us to care for my mom through this... like there's something magic we can do. I emailed back saying it may be really helpful if he can accompany her to some resources outside the family like nar-anon or counseling. Here's to hoping that gets both of them somewhere...
My "family" issue is related to that. MIL had no will, even with her chronic illness (classic MIL), although she made it very clear to DH, SIL, myself, and many family members/friends that she wanted any $$ to be split between her grandchildren. DH and SIL are both in agreement that that is what should happen.
Then DH's brother (estranged from the family, has already milked thousands and thousands from MIL over the years because he is a man-child that only thinks of himself) has made a reappearance and keeps trying to get his siblings into one of his money making schemes. So, essentially, he doesn't want to adhere to his mother's wishes and wants a hand out, even though one of the grandchildren is his son, a son he hasn't seen in years, hasn't talked to in over a year, and doesn't pay child support for. DH and MIL both keep/kept in touch with the mom and the little boy, who is about the same age as DS.
Because MIL had no will, there is a good chance that her estate will just be split 3 ways between the siblings and he'll get a sizeable chunk of money to piddle away, while the rest of us will split anything between our kids and start trust/college funds for them. He is such a scumbag that, even given the chance to do something for his child, he is a selfish POS.
Fortunately, a friend of mine is a local estate law/family law attorney so DH and I are going to meet with him to see what options we have, if any, but our hopes aren't high given the law as we understand it. I'm so frustrated that MIL, knowing she had a chronic illness (the same one that killed her own mother), didn't get her affairs in order at all and also that there is always that one scumbag family member excited to make a quick $ off of a loved one's death.
Thanks for letting me vent
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
My dad is in denial of my brother having an issue so he won't get him real help, but then simultaneously will complain about it and tell me to "talk some sense" into my brother...as if that will provide support or a real solution.
The "take care of mom" dynamic is still very alive and well too, and just adds another layer of frustration. Even during the move (which neither of my parents actually helped with...they simply "hired" my brother), it was MY job...despite my health issues...to take care of my mom during the move. Make sure she's comfortable...make sure she doesn't get scared...make sure she doesn't xyz.
In addition, my dad can't respect very real boundaries. DH personally called my dad TWICE to say that he needs to talk to DH for any issues, qiestions, or concerns so we keep my stress low. My dad acts like my BP is not a real concern and still tries to contact me to take care of mom or brother. Very disrespectful.
So I just keep them away and overall I feel a lot better. Even though it's your brother...don't take this on yourself. It's not your problem. I don't say that to be cruel. These behavior patterns are habits and will suck you in and will leave you feeling drained and helpless. And like we talked about before...we don't have to let anyone take our holidays or joy away. I know it is so hard, but how will they learn if we always bend to their will?
Have a good cry. It's ok to be sad...just don't feel like you have to swoop in and save the day. Hugs to you.
I've been to counselors in the past (just 2). One I clicked with but isn't here/available now. The other I did not click with at all. Nar-anon is great but I'm feeling I need some space to unload on someone that can help me untangle personally. I'm feeling a barrier is finding a counselor I click with quickly. I'm wondering if you'd be okay sharing a bit about your counseling experience and if you have any advice for getting that ball rolling?
However, I have been in a situation like this where I had to simply make do until I found a better counselor. It was an emergency as my boyfriend at the time died suddenly and I thought I was going crazy from being heartbroken. Even though I didn't mesh 100% with that counselor, it helped a lot more than I thought it would because he just listened as I verbalize my feelings. He wasn't a bad person or even counselor, just not my style. But never underestimate a good vent session (or two!).
So I would say in this situation where you are feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed...still see a counselor even if they are not your first choice (assuming they are kind and it's just a difference of personalities) and continue looking for a long-term fit. Being a place that's unbiased to unload feelings provides a lot of comfort even if the counselor isn't the best fit. I hope this helps.
ETA - wow that tool is way better than the ones through my insurance and state. I think I found someone to try! Thanks!