Telling family to wait to visit

happygirl1013 · October 2016

So my parents live a 14 hour drive away, and in passing conversation the other day, they said as soon as the baby is born that they are coming to "visit". My husband and I don't have the best relationship with them (e.g., last Christmas was a huge mess that resulted in a screaming match and me vowing to never spend a holiday with them again), but I'd never withhold them from meeting their new grandson. But, I really don't want a zoo at my house when I come home from the hospital and I'd like to spend Christmas just us to make it special from our daughter. Most importantly, I'd really like a few days post hospital to recover and focus on having my 2 year old assimilate to having a new baby brother. Any ideas on graceful ways to tell them to hold their horses and have tell them to wait to come visit (and let them know they'll have to stay in a hotel because we won't have the space)? Has anyone else had this conversation with their parents?

Amecsey · October 2016

@happygirl1013
I have been dreading this conversation! I think the way I am going to approach it is to just be matter of fact. For me, a c-section is very likely although I am holding out hope for a vaginal birth. Which means I will need a lot of help afterwards at home. I am just going to make it clear that if anyone comes over it isn't to visit, that it is to help. And by help I mean wake up in the middle of the night to help me, if that's what I need. And make lunches/dinners if you are here at that time. Having said that, we have a big house, and lots of space. If you don't, and especially because you have a daughter to also take care of, just be up front with them that there isn't space at the house, and that you will have your hands full. Could they stay at a hotel and keep your daughter with them for a night or two? That might be fun for you and also let them feel like they are being helpful. If they bring it up again, say, "Where are you planning on staying while you are here?" So it can throw it out there that you obviously didn't think it was at your house. And if they keep pushing the issue, then I think that gives you the right to be blunt with them and just say, "You can't stay at the house, so let me know if you need help finding a place." Then end the conversation. Some people just take being blunt with. I have learned with my MIL that if it is something important to me that I just have to say it, and not worry about how she is going to feel about it. Good Luck!

1MommyRunner · October 2016

This situation is always tough since feelings are involved. With that being said, you guys need to think of you and your little family, not the feelings of your parents. Tell them that you are very excited for them to come for a visit, but with Christmas, a new baby and adjustment time for your other baby, that you need a few days to settle into a routine before they visit. When you guys establish a good time for them to come, just simply tell them that you don't have extra space and suggest a couple hotels close by. It's always easiest to just be straight forward with how you feel. Just don't react if they get upset. Respond with a I understand it's a little disappointing, but we are excited for you to visit when the time is right. I'll say a prayer for you that the conversation goes smoothly!

yellingbanana · October 2016

I have told my sister, who is also my best friend, that she cannot stay with me. She is very helpful and a mother of 3, she will be helping with my school age kids but I just don't need any guests in my house. It's extra work no matter what. Plus we are turning our guest bedroom into the baby room, so she has no where to sleep. She will be staying with my mom. I've already talked to DH and told him that for all other family (except my mom and sister) they have a 30 minute window to visit us at the hospital. Then they can wait a week so we can settle.
Because your relationship isn't the best, you will have to choose what to do. But if my relationship were not that good with my parents and I knew telling them to wait isn't going to fly with them, then I'd just wait to tell them. Have the baby, keep it between you and your DH, don't post on FB, don't tell anyone. Just enjoy your time together for a few days, then you can call when you are ready. If they're upset, just say you needed time alone to adjust with baby. Especially if this is your 1st. There is no shame in wanting time to get to know your baby.

Kacie209 · October 2016

I need to figure this out for when the time comes. I know SIL had visitors right after her C-section in the morning, and I even saw her that afternoon cos DH and I picked up her oldest from daycare and brought him to the hospital. I just don't know what mood I will be in, or if I will even want to see anyone besides DH. I know they want us to have an hour with just baby, me, and DH... and after that it's whatever we want. I don't want to block my family out, and it may also just depend on what time he's born. If he's early morning... maybe by evening I will want visitors?

BabyRobbinsAdventure · October 2016

I was dreading this convo also!!! Last week when MIL visited (from across the country) they actually asked when we think it will be a good time to visit. We said since we weren't quite sure when baby would arrive, it would be best if they did their normal Christmas plans and visit us after the new year, which gives us 2 weeks at least of bonding time.

littlebirdie28 · October 2016

I'm in a similar situation with my mom. I think the approach I am taking is to say to her that "she is welcome to come to the hospital to meet baby, but that DH and I would like a week or two to get to know each other as a family for the following two weeks; once DH has to go back to work, I will really need her help and it would be a better time for her to come." I'm hoping that my "I need you" approach will make her still feel welcome and valued, but also makes it clear that we want to be alone for a little while. We've started to have that conversation, but haven't quite finished it yet....

gowenc · October 2016

I think @littlebirdie28 has a good approach - you can frame it in a way that focuses on when you'll need the most help. I think most people like to feel needed, so if your DH is only taking a certain amount of time off, you could ask them to come when he's getting ready to go back to work?

ErikandAfton · October 2016

I'm dreading this convo with my Aunt and Cousin and my BFF. My mom is deceased and I'm sure my Aunt is going to want to be here to "help". I told DH if I have a c section I may ask for her to come after DH goes back to work but if I don't I really just want them to visit and then go home.

BFF and her husband, along with her parents who are like second parents to me want come right away. I don't know what to tell them. I don't want them here. They can come after the holidays when L is a little bigger.

Christinaruth74 · October 2016

Just go with the plan that feels best for you and unapologetically let people know.
Before DD1 was born I told everyone no visitors at the hospital (unless it was someone we were really close with and we personally extended an invite to) and definitely no kids. Little did I know I'd wind up in an emergency c-section and really wouldn't be up for visitors at all. Some people were really offended and put off, but I haven't never regretted it.
When we got home we allowed short visits from family or helpful visits (meals, cleaning, etc) but only from people I was comfortable with.

PP hormones can be a bitch and you can't prepare for any of it. I say all of this to say, set your restrictions / plans now so that you're not stressing about it in the mean time and then play it by ear once the baby comes. You might realize you feel fantastic and totally comfortable with extra company, or you might feel completely overwhelmed and need more time alone. Either option isn't wrong and friends/family don't need to understand.

ea301 · October 2016

@ChristinaRuth74 I am telling people something similar. Basically my mantra with everything has been "no promises!"

"We'd love to see you in November while we're in town!"
"I'd love to say we can do that, but no promises!"

"I'm definitely coming to visit after the baby's born!"
"I'd love to see you, but no promises! And if you come here, you're being put to work."

"Do you want us to visit in the hospital?" (Someone actually ASKED, which was lovely!)
"I'd like to say yes, but honestly I have no idea how we'll be feeling, so no promises!"

It's gone over pretty well with everyone so far. The hard part will be if/when we have to say no after baby arrives, but I'm pretty sure post-partum me will have no problem speaking her mind

missmossy11 · October 2016

What I did was tell our families that were not sure what we're going to want when the time comes. That we might want privacy or maybe we will feel so good that we're OK with everybody coming over. But that, as it stands now, no one is invited to the hospital while I'm there and that after we're released we will let people know when we are comfortable with them coming over. I've also mentioned a lot that people are not allowed to just show up unannounced.

My mom and I don't get along at all, and won't you know it.. she surprised me with purchasing a ticket to be here for 2 weeks on my DD. lovely. I had to have the same conversation with her (though I'm a bit more flexible with her as she doesn't live in the state). I think you just have to be kind but firm. People need to respect you as the mommy and as someone who just had a sweet little baby.. they should respect that you want that time to get to know him/her.

Edited to add: I also told people that maybe my husband and I would feel great and if that's the case wed definitely send word that they can come by!

AbriannaO · October 2016

I've mentioned it before in other posts, we wrote a letter to all of our family members from the perspective of the baby regarding our wishes and boundaries. We recently moved back near family, so going from having a lot of personal space due to being 20 hours away to now being 2 hours away is a big thing for us. We view the letter as a way of expressing to everyone the same way that this is what we are asking for, please respect it. That way everyone is getting the same information. Of course, I also view the letter as being our hard rules and boundaries as it is easier to change our minds saying "yes, come join us" instead of saying we will allow one thing and then when it is time changing our minds and saying "no, please give us privacy." This is the first grand baby for both sides of the family, so we really do not have anything to go off of and we are expecting emotions to be at an all time high during this time due to excitement. I am very passionate about my personal space, and while I am not trying to deny anyone their special time in becoming a grandma or grandpa for the first time, my main priority is my baby, myself, and my husband. We do not know what our needs will be, and I do not want to have years of fighting or resentment because we didn't express our wishes and people go their hopes up.

KateH1216 · October 2016

I'm so grateful of this dialog, since DH and I have some differences of opinions here. This is his 3rd (I have two SDs, ages 16 & 21) and my first. Grandbaby #8 on his side and the first on my side. Basically, everyone is really excited and can't wait to meet this baby girl. But I know that I will likely need my space.

We haven't decided on the details yet, but both sides of the family are absolutely huge (most are local within 30 minutes) and I don't want an unending parade at the hospital or at home for the first few days. We plan on continuing to use my parents and my in-laws as our gatekeepers for visitors. We are definitely playing it by ear: time of day makes a difference for visitors as does day of week (praying this baby is born on a weekday so everyone is at work/school!). Nobody has asked me for specific visiting plans, but I'm socializing my thoughts regarding this issue and the fact that I am nervous about how I'll be feeling. Luckily we get along with both sides of our family really well and there shouldn't be any hurt feelings within the immediate family...the extended family is more what I'm worried about, but their opinions don't count on this one

Upromise9687 · October 2016

We were up front with our family from the beginning. Since we live 14 hours away by car/ 2 hours by plane, we did not want too many people showing up after the baby is born. They are far away, so it is more work for us to have someone visit for multiple days rather than 30 mins. We also let our families know that they are not just coming to visit and hold the baby. Whoever visits us will need to help with cooking or cleaning or something. We have not received pushback from our family, but more of a willingness as they will have a purpose while visiting. For our family, it worked out to be upfront with our wishes rather than wait for people to ask.

maamawaabangi · October 2016

I agree with @Upromise9687 I think it's always better to tell people your expectations in advance. Personally, I expect people who come to help us with our older children, cook and clean. They know that basically because I've asked, "What are your plans for when the baby comes? We would love to have you join us (at specific time), to help us care for kids and to do such and such... but if that doesn't work, please let me know what your thoughts are." Then discussion follows. Having my mom here is essential for me.. but they have their own place locally that they stay in. When they didn't I told them that they would have to move out while I was in labor (homebirth) and could return afterward. Just be clear with what you want.

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