[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 10.4

dmontgo · October 2016

Mamax2 · October 2016

I guess I'm first here today. My dad pissed me off Sunday at my shower with a few things he said. But now I'm asking myself if I really should be pissed, or if I just let hormones get in the way.

We had about 25 people at the shower, and everyone was laid back and enjoying each others company. DD loves to be surrounded by people because she loves to goof off and entertain people. I just kind of let her do her thing, because the whole shower was so relaxed and chill. My dad yelled at her, in front of everyone, multiple times to stop acting like and fool and to sit down and shut up. She ended up in tears about the 3rd time he did it. I asked him each time to not yell at her, that she was fine. If I felt like she needed to stop, I would have her stop and settle down. Everyone wad laughing and cutting up with DD, so nobody seemed bothered by her. He then told me that DH and I have no control over her, and we need to learn to reign her in. I flew off at him.

Fast forward to time to open gifts. The 3rd gift I opened included a small "big sister" ornament for DD. My dad's automatic response was "My word, she is such a spolied brat! Does she really need a gift today?" The lady who provided the gift, which I thought was so thoughtful and sweet, got upset and left the shower. My step mom pulled my dad out and talked to him.

I can't believe he could be so rude. I know that he is under a lot of stress dealing with some health things, but my word, if you're going to be rude, stay home.

slartybartfast · October 2016

@Mamax2 - that's horrible. My mama grizzly would have emerged and I don't care who you are, you treat my kid like that and you're gone. I feel so bad for your DD!

phoebecar · October 2016

@mamax2 I'm not sure that's just hormonal because I'm quite sure I would have lost my business if my dad had done that and I'm also quite sure I would have done it in front of everyone to embarrass him the way he tried to embarrass your DD and your family. But then again, I fully admit that I'm a B like that too- with a shade of crazy thrown in for good measure.

I'm sorry that happened to you and I can absolutely understand why you'd be angry, I would be too. And that lady leaving had to be super awkward for you. Maybe call her and say a personal thank you for her thoughtfulness for including your DD? that was super sweet of her.

My gripe today- My MIL- she's not coming in October, which really is no skin off my back. that just means that I don't have to hide all my GD testing equipment because we aren't telling her about my diagnosis because her concern when we very first found out we were expecting is that I'm "unhealthy" because I've had high BP in my last 2 pregnancies.

But my gripe is that 1. my DH has tried to beg her to come, which I find completely ridiculous you are just playing into her narcissistic tendencies and 2. my kids keep asking when she's coming.

It all boils down to she didn't get her way on something so she's trying to "punish" us by not coming. Well I say Thank You God for small favors. If you are going to be that way STAY HOME. But it ultimately hurts DH and my kids which she won't see until well after Christmas or if she comes after the baby is born.

She's shown ZERO interest in this baby except to ask me 2 questions 1. if I would have "taken care of the problem" if the baby had chromosomal issues. 2. if we are going to continue her tradition of names. that's it nothing else, no how's your Dr. appointments going, how's the baby doing, do you have names, still not know the gender, etc....

So I really could care less if she comes or not!!

Mamax2 · October 2016

@slartybartfast my DD didn't know how to react, besides tears. She's only 6, so of course she isn't just going to plop down in a chair and have grown up conversation with people. I felt so bad for her. I just scooped her up and loved on her. DH talked to her a little about it Sunday night when they went to dinner. She said she just didn't know why grandpa had to be so mean to her. It's so hard explaining things to her sometimes, especially when I myself don't know the exact reason why.

@phoebecar I have never really been one for confrontation in public, but I did yell at him some. Also, I did call the lady right after I got home from the shower and apologized. I thanked her for her gift, and told her how much we appreciated her thinking of DD. She was in shock over my dads behavior, and told me that I had nothing to apologize for. Also, I'm sorry you're dealing with that with your mil. I have been there before, so I know all to well what you're dealing with.

brittnic86 · October 2016

@Mamax2 um no, I would've lost my shit. Rude. I worry about this with grandparents, especially since I already see it with my SIL and my niece. Not my mom so much, but my in laws. I think it's totally inappropriate to override someone's parenting.

KateH1216 · October 2016

Hugs to you @Mamax2 that sounds miserable. It's definitely not hormones, that was downright mean. And I'm so sorry that your sweetie had to experience that.

Mamax2 · October 2016

Thanks ladies. It's good to know that I wasn't just being hormonal.

princesslockness · October 2016

@Mamax2 Im late, but that is nowhere near acceptable when BOTH parents are letting it go. I recommend a chat with daddy dearest sometime to reaffirm who is in charge of the kid and how things are to be handled.

My gripe is my parents and sisters. Its small, but the phrasing is really starting to make me doubt myself, my body's communication, and whether I can do this.

I have had to make a trip to L&D every week for the last 6 weeks. Well since Coming home Sunday when we got hime my parents have been saying 'well she keeps trying and they stop it' Like I have control over contractions or I am imagining them so I can have a baby.

Then my sister made a comments along the lines of 'well they are the experts, not you'.

yellingbanana · October 2016

@Mamax2 your hormones are just fine. I would've kicked my dad out of the house if he'd been acting like that. Give your little girl love, she was being a kid, she isn't an adult, and thank goodness for kids!
And @Kate08Young wtf? Like you are choosing to send your body into labor! Does your sister have kids? I'm going to guess no, because anyone who has been through labor doesn't question other women like that. Especially sisters! Please continue to take good care of yourself and try not to let non-empathetic family members get to you.

Hugs to you both!

aevan011 · October 2016

@Mamax2 What. A. Jerk. I'm glad that you spoke up and also glad the lady that left didn't hold it against you. I would have been embarrassed, and probably made a huge scene. Not the hormones!

@Kate08Young Don't let them push you to question yourself! You're the one dealing with contractions, medical expert or not, you know your body! You are an expert on you.

Christinaruth74 · October 2016

@Mamax2 oh lord. That's awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that stress and I'm so sorry your DD was feeling so hurt.

No major gripes right now. I've been keeping contact with my mom limited but I think she's coming by tonight for a visit because she says she's "anxious to see" DD. She has tried calling/facetiming 10x since Monday.... which is par for the course with her but good god.

Mamax2 · October 2016

@Kate08Young who the heck says that? It's your body, I'm pretty certain you know when something is up. Don't let them get to you.

dmontgo · October 2016

@Kate08Young I've found that when people are tired of giving sympathy for very real problems, they try to make it seem like the person struggling is either making it up or starved for attention. Health problems reveal who is on your side pretty damn quickly.

When I injured my back a few years ago and couldn't walk, at first people were very supportive...then when a few months went by and I was still essentially crippled, I would get comments like, "Oh come on, it can't hurt that bad" or "I'm sure it's not that serious," etc. Friends stopped calling, my coach questioned if I was "good" at my sport anymore. My mom had to tie my shoes for me and help me shower. Very lonely time...but I knew my body wasn't "pretending" for attention. The pain was very, very real, and even today I get it from time to time. I never tried reconnecting with those shitty friends.

I say all that to reassure you that you are not crazy, and your experience is very real. Anyone who makes comments like that are annoyed you are "inconveniencing" them... I know it's hard, but don't take their comments to heart. If it were them they'd want someone to believe their experiences.

princesslockness · October 2016

Thanks ladies! My OB immediately reassured me this morning. When he was checking to see if E was head down he saw one on the ultra sound. And if she stays true to her pattern, he will be on call when(if) we have another scare.

penelope4612 · October 2016

Ugh. My baby shower is this weekend. I emailed my mom to ask what time she wanted me to get there. She emailed back "come at X time. You can eat veggie dip while we all drink wine." Yes, I'm being petty, but this is so typical of my mom. She can't just do something nice and be nice about it. She has to be snarky. There is always some jab or rude comment in there - for no reason. She thinks it's funny. But to me, after she's done it 1 million times, it just ends up making me annoyed and angry that she can't just not do it for ONCE and let me have a nice day without being made fun of or teased for something.

For the record - there is no back story to this. No situations in which I was ever upset about not getting to drink alcohol, etc. My mom just randomly pulled this out of her bum for no reason.

slartybartfast · October 2016

Ugh. For some reason pregsomnia has me lying here thinking about all the violence and alcoholism in my childhood home. My parents have stopped drinking and moved an hour away. My mom watches DS a couple days a week. She's great with him but it's an arrangement I will only allow til DS is 2. His development beyond that isn't something I want her involved in. They try to be good people but are just so flawed and having them around feels like a constant challenge for me. I can't decide if it's better to have them close and constantly have to remind myself of my own adopted flaws and deal with them or if space would allow me breathing room from them... or would it allow me to build up some avoidance and denial. Ultimately I think at the moment it's serving as a reminder to stay vigilant with not letting my flaws or weaknesses run rampant in my family like they did.

Nothing specific dredging this up other than the fact that last time we were with them my dad and mom were being all judgey of my dads sister and her family and of my moms family. It just feels unbelievably arrogant to chat about that casually with me... who was raised under the same twisted roof that led my brother to an life of ptsd and drug abuse and lack of any moral compass and my sister to a dependent teenagers maturity level in the body of a woman in her late 30s.

AbriannaO · October 2016

Last night seemed to be the night that everyone needed to contact me while I was sleeping. I have a Fitbit Blaze, which goes off with texts and calls. Usually if it recognizes that you are sleeping, it won't vibrate, but since I am up so often to pee, it will alert me throughout the night.

9:50 pm and 10:05 pm, my 8 year old god-daughter called me twice (why she wasn't asleep, I don't know)

10:17 pm, my dad texts me

1:00 am, my MIL texts me a picture of her sleeping dog -- I hate this dog with a passion and have no desire to see pictures of it at any time during the day whether I am awake or asleep.

Side note: We are having alcohol at my baby shower because I want to be able to sniff everyone's drinks. I make this really delicious caramel apple sangria and really just want to sit and sniff it the entire time. I have been doing just fine with not being able to drink (though the occasional longing for a glass of red wine gets me), but I love to be able to smell other people's drinks that they're having.

FrancisD. · October 2016

@slartybartfast I totally sympathise with your stirred-up feelings. A PP made me think about my dad, who used to knock on my head if I was smiling, laughing, or having a good time to tell me to 'settle down.' He still does essentially the same thing to me as an adult, and it makes me crazy. I have panic attacks and have to leave. For this and many reasons, I can't handle my family and have no desire to share my kids with them. It sounds like you are the lucky accident of health in your sibling set. I also have one brother and one sister, but I got the brunt of the dysfunction. The are both still in touch with the family, still unaware that the fact that they grew up healthy doesn't mean the abuse never happened to me.

The pain still strikes me in the middle of the night, too. I wake up unable to stop questioning myself, wondering if they were right and I was born bad, trying to parlay an understanding of my childhood into meaningful changes I can make to stop the anxiety. Even if I still allowed them in my life, I couldn't talk to them about it. They can't bear to stop lying to themselves or to me. The confusion I feel around them is ameliorated by distance, so I know how hard it must be for you to stay with them.

slartybartfast · October 2016

@FrancisD.

dmontgo · October 2016

@FrancisD. Our dads sound very similar. Any time I would get too excited or happy about something he either would call me a dumb ass to bring me down a few pegs or thump me wherever was convenient and tell me to stop acting foolish.

To this day I have a hard time expressing joy "out loud." I've gotten better at it since moving out, but it's still something I struggle with. I'm sorry you struggle with those questions of your goodness or badness. When I start feeling that way, I try to remind myself of this:

We were children and should have been protected. My dad likes to say it was to prepare me for the "real world," but all that accomplished was making me feel like I had no sanctuary in the world. You were just a child...and you deserved more than that. Believe me.

l9i · October 2016

Oh boy, this weekend has me completed ticked off. Our neighborhood had a garage sale over the weekend so we decided to do it and my parents as well as another family friend brought over their items to sell too since we didn't have a lot to sell ourselves. Well, Saturday we had to leave during part of it for our child birth class which everyone was ok with. However, after I get back to our house (DH had to go to work) I come home and find my parents had brought their dog over to play with ours without asking if that's ok. Now, we had just cleaned our whole house the day before since we knew people were coming over and now there are two slobbering dogs running around and my mom had just told me earlier that morning she thought her dog had the runs because it woke her up in the middle of the night several times to go to the bathroom. During this time, they didn't have the dogs with them because they didn't want them running around the garage while they were trying to pack up and our back yard isn't fenced in so they couldn't leave them run around out there so they left them in the house, full range, unsupervised.

When I got home I walked inside to find this and then a few minutes later see that one of them had peed all over the side of one of our brand new couches and ottoman we've had maybe a month (along with the white carpet). Obviously I can't say for sure which one it was, but since it was on the side, it was definitely marking and why would my dog mark on the couch he sits on all the time. Naturally, I was livid. I went outside to tell my mom I didn't appreciate her bringing her dog over to leave them roam our house unsupervised because now one of them has peed all over our new couch. The response I got was "sorry" said with a flippant attitude and shoulder shrug. She didn't care, didn't offer to help clean it up, and didn't even care to see the mess. Then she proceeds to leave to run home (lives close) and get something and still doesn't take the dog with her so I still can't clean it up because both of the dogs are running all over. When they were finally done cleaning up I walk back inside to get her dog and he had liquid diarrhea on our kitchen tile (better than carpet). Now I'm even more livid. So I walk back out to ask her to come inside and clean it up and she threw a fit about why she should have to clean it up despite the fact she had told me her dog was having diarrhea that day.

Needless to say, I've cleaned my couches and the carpet now twice and while they aren't stained, which is good because they are a light tan, they still have a pee smell if you get close enough which worries me if my dog will try to pee on them to mark over the other. The attitude of not caring about destroying things in another's new home really set me over the edge along with the fact that their dog was sick and they thought it was a good idea for a play date. Their dog is no longer welcome in our home and if they think to bring him over without asking, he will be waiting outside or they can leave. IDGAF.

Toller · October 2016

@AbriannaO aaaaaand this is why I put my phone on airplane mode when I lay down for the night

if there's an emergency, they can call DH!

AbriannaO · October 2016

@Toller my phone is always on silent during the night, but in order to track anything with my Fitbit, it has to be connected to the wireless. I use my FitBit as my silent alarm in the mornings to wake up for work. Normally, if it can tell you're in sleep mode, it won't vibrate, but when you wake up every few hours to go pee, it doesn't always register. It was just annoying that this one night everyone decided they needed to send me something or call. I haven't had any issues since, and it is usually very rare that people contact me after I've gone to sleep.

ea301 · October 2016

@l9i I would be raging at that too!!! How insensitive. Doesn't anyone understand how difficult it is to clean a house while pregnant? If all of my hard work had been undone by an uninvited guest, I would be beyond pissed!

aevan011 · October 2016

@l9i That would have pissed me off and I probably would have thrown a giant tantrum. Really really inconsiderate. On the note of the urine smell, there are enzyme cleaners that can help get that out, if you haven't tried those.

Toller · October 2016

This is so minor compared to everyone's real problems but....is it SO hard for FIL to take off his shoes-no, work boots- when he gets into my house before walking all over my carpet?????

l9i · October 2016

@aevan011 I didn't want to throw a tantrum because other family friends were over and DH's parents were over too. However, I said enough to get my point across and at least DH's parents voiced how ridiculous and inconsiderate that was of her. Honestly, if DH was there he's the one that would have made it a bigger deal and probably would have made them take the dog immediately. And I wouldn't have stopped him!

Do you know what the specific cleaners are? As long as it would be safe for the upholstery I'd give it a shot!

slartybartfast · October 2016

@l9i bactout bioclean is one we have - bonus, if you're planning to cloth diaper, - couple spritzes on a poopy one in the bin keeps it from stinking

AbriannaO · October 2016

@Toller, make him buy you a carpet cleaner

But no, that's really annoying. What happened to people just assuming they need to remove their shoes upon entering a home? I wish my mom would take off her shoes when walking around our hardwood floors. The woman might be 100 lbs, but she walks like a sumo-wrestler! Either keeps me awake at night, or has woken me up from a dead sleep.

@l9i, I would have not been able to keep my calm! I hope you can get the smell out fast!

l9i · October 2016

@slartybartfast Thanks for the tip - we are planning to cloth diaper! I just ordered some from Amazon (I love Amazon).

BenNSarah · October 2016

This weekend someone left a small gift right outside my back door as a surprise. I found it when I was taking the garbage out. It was a large container of dreft and a tshirt for DH. I had just been at the grocery store a few hours earlier and had picked up some dreft, looked at it debating on whether to buy it before my shower or not, and put it back. So I thought maybe someone who knew me saw that and decided to buy it. Nope! I find out later that my MIL had bought this tshirt for DH and decided to get me something too. The tshirt says, Be nice to me my wife is pregnant. Coming from a friend or something that would have just been funny and cute and thoughtful. But really? My MIL felt the need to get him a shirt that makes me sound like a crazy hormonal wife? And for the record, I have not been any of the stereotypical pregnant lady things that guys complain about (except sick) not emotional, no middle of the night cravings, etc. And she knows that. So now my DH has a shirt that makes me sound like a mean pregnant lady and to balance it out... she buys me laundry detergent. So here's something nice, funny, thoughtful, whatever for DH and for me, well obviously I am going to be the only one doing any baby laundry so here you go. I didn't make a big deal about it to DH or MIL and just said thank you, because, hey she saved me money, but I'm over the stereotypes!

I know... petty complaint. But I am a hormonal pregnant lady

slartybartfast · October 2016

@BenNSarah my reaction would have been exactly the same. Pretty darn demeaning "gift" - but hey, the detergent is practical. Dh would not wear the shirt though.

BenNSarah · October 2016

@slartybartfast I am usually calm with her. She was a stay at home, home schooling mom of four children. I work full time. I have had to teach DH that our life is different and always will be than what he is used to. I have accepted that she will never understand this. And it is something I am familiar with. For gifts DH always gets something fun for himself, and I always get the sheets/bedding/kitchen tools. It's just how it will always be. DH picks on me about wearing the shirt, but he probably never will.

sourlemon · October 2016

@BenNSarah depending on the size you could wear it as a pajama shirt! Then it would "get used" (you could say that without lying) but not in the way she intended. That'll teach her!

And I feel you on DH getting all the cool stuff and me getting all the "womany" things. I don't mind when my parents do that because at least they know what I like and use and they usually buy higher quality items than I would splurge for myself. But it pisses me off when mil gifts me a dollar store dish rag!

FrancisD. · October 2016

Thanks for the kind words and 'love its,' everyone :-)

@l9i that is just the worst. I'm angry on your behalf!

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