Second Time+ Moms check-in 10/5

kat81 · October 2016

What are you ladies up to this week?

Question of the week -- when and how do you plan to tell your child/children about the baby that is on its way? Or have you told already? How did it go?

Laurieday10 · October 2016

I've already told my 10 month old, but she obviously didn't understand what I said. We're waiting until we get the results of NIPT before we tell anyone, including my 5 year old. We'll probably just sit her down and tell her she'll be having a new brother or sister. She's going to be so excited.

kat81 · October 2016

That was my question because I have no answer to it. I don't know how we'll tell or when. We have done this annoying thing where we ask them sometimes if they want another baby. The answers vary depending on when we ask!

Generally we plan to tell them right around when we're going to tell the masses (or at least people they're likely to interact with), perhaps with telling them just ahead of those people. So probably not for a month or two at least. But we are telling immediate family (parents & siblings) first, and telling them to keep a secret. I have my first real appointment today and depending on how that goes we'll be telling my parents this weekend when they visit from out of town! They'll be the first people we're telling.

My big drama is that I have to tell my older sister who has been TTC her first for about 3.5 years now (they're doing more aggressive intervention now but it's also not going well.) It was already hard to tell her about #2 but she had only JUST started to TTC around then so in that sense it wasn't that bad. She is also an amazing person who never had any hint of negativity toward me about any of this. But especially with her being my older sister and this being my third it just feels wrong...like it was HER turn (and has been for a while), not mine! We might ask my parents for advice on how to tell her when we tell them. We definitely won't let it fester and have her be the last to know or anything but we'll take any advice anyone wants to give.

I'm also wondering whether my parents and my other sister (oldest, has two kids, is done) will even be that enthusiastic about this pregnancy given that we've all been rooting for my other sister. I actually think my oldest sister will be appropriately enthusiastic but I could see my parents being kind of sad, especially my mom. She has always been hyper-aware/focused on fairness (we all had to have the same number of Christmas gifts, etc.), way more than any of us ever cared. I guess we'll find out in a few days how they feel.

hp_momma · October 2016

We told our DDs (4 1/2 and 2). The oldest is super excited and already referring to it as a girl (much to DHs dislike lol) and DD2 is excited and keeps wanting to see my belly. I also showed DD1 the interactive pictures on the bump app about what the baby looks like each week and we talk about how small it is (pea, blueberry, etc) She is very fascinated with it and keeps asking to see the baby again, I think it really helped her grasp how to baby is very tiny and what it looks like.

pshaortao · October 2016

Not much going on, just enjoying the cooler weather and trying to take DD out regularly. I unfortunately feel more snippy toward DD when she does something she shouldn't do and really need to change my attitude with a more gentle explanation. I really hope my mood swings lessen soon!

As for telling her, she doesn't seem to understand what's going on. She just turned 2 a month ago and has recently started asking "whats that?" She even asked about my prenatal pill that she saw me taking this morning. Hopefully as my belly grows and she is able to feel kicks from the outside, she will start to put two and two together.

bacorrea · October 2016

I'm just so tired I feel like I'm a sub par mom.

DH has a four day this weekend, so we will probably go to a pumpkin patch this weekend depending on the weather.

DD is 2.5 we've already told her. She understands as much as 2.5 would understand. She says she wants to hold the baby and gives my belly kisses. It's cute. In reality she is very attached to me and I'm nervous how #2 is going to go with her.

bacorrea · October 2016

@kat81 that's so rough. Maybe tel your sister before you tell your parents? Tell her and not expect her to be excited right away and let her know that if she needs time that you understand.

My mom was like that too growing up, everything had to be fair. Hopefully your mom will still be happy for you.

Kipperoo · October 2016

Same old, same old over here! Trying to decide if I want to do NIPT with this babe...I'm not over 35, so my insurance will not cover it. I called the testing company, and the max they will charge us is $200, so we might do it. IDK...

We have already told my 2yo son about the baby. He talks about it pretty often, but I don't think he totally gets it. He knows that the guest room next to his room is becoming the baby's room and he usually says "hi, baby's room" when he runs past it in the morning. I ask him pretty often if he wants a brother or a sister--the answer changes, but is frequently "sister".

achays11 · October 2016

Nothing new going on this week. Nausea is kicking up a bit.

We took DD (2.5) to my first appointment and she started asking questions so we told her there was a baby in mama's belly. She has since named the baby Cece (from Doc McStuffins) and gives my belly kisses and hugs. She is excited to be a big sister like Doc, but cried last night when my aunt asked her what if it's a boy?

Any my tips on how to prepare a little girl for the possibility of a little brother? We're team green, so she won't know until the baby arrives.

WombThereItIs · October 2016

Right now my only baby related concern with a 23 month old is not vomiting on him. Little man has been having stomach troubles for weeks now and is super clingy right when my morning sickness is kicking my butt. Holding a wriggly 30lb toddler against your abdomen doesn't exactly help!

I figure once once I start to show we can talk about my belly but I don't think he will really get it.

Squirtgun · October 2016

@kat81 oh, that is rough! I can see being so sad for your sister at the same time as being so excited for yourself! I would reccomend telling her first, if you can, so that she has a little more time to be ok before the whole family is talking about it. Especially if you think your mom is going to be one who talks to sister about it, and how unfair it is. Because that will be really hard for your sister, and easier for her if she's had a little time to process it on her own first. And also, maybe call her, or at least tell her somewhere really private, so that if she does have an immediate emotional reaction she won't have to feel embarrassed and upset by that. I know for myself, we weren't trying that long, compared to others, but the day on my 6th month trying that I got a negative test the same day SIL announced her pregnancy.. It was a rough day! But, luckily SIL had texted to tell me, so I could take my time to process through the emotions a little before responding in an appropriately joyful manner! You know your sister best, but try to make sure that she has an "escape route" as it were from the situation, like don't tell her right before a planned dinner or evening. The fact that you're already concerned about her emotions shows that you're a good sister, and I'm sure she knows that too! Sorry this turned out really long, haha, a nice novel for you to read in your spare time...

And to to answer the original question, I haven't told my older kiddo yet, but 1yr old has no idea what I'm talking about, so I've already told her. I just don't think I'd be emotionally able to explain a miscarriage to older daughter, so I want to wait until we are out of the first tri, it feels safer that way.

JonesBaby0624 · October 2016

@kat81 that is such a rough situation. I feel like I can kind of relate, due to my multiple losses. I don't have trouble getting pregnant but I cannot sustain a pregnancy. I definitely have times when I am resentful. What you have to remember is, she will absolutely be happy for you. It might not come across when she first finds out but she will be so happy for you when the hurt subsides. In regards to you mom, I think we can all understand that as mothers we always want our children to have every desire of their heart. Therefore, it is hard to watch the pain our child goes through as they struggle so much for something that comes easily to someone else. Just remember that however it all goes down, your sister and your mother love you and will be so happy for you. It doesn't mean it won't be a struggle to get there but they will be so happy to welcome your little one.

This week I am up to trying to keep something down. I am super exhausted this week as well. I don't even get to go home after work today. It is straight to a nearby town for private keeper lessons for my son and a visit with my daddy, who was just diagnosed with Alzheimers. I really just need a nap, with a trash can and a wash rag close by....isn't growing humans dignified?!?!

My only living child is 10 and it is only the 2 of us in our household, my fiance has moved to Rhode Island. My son and I are extremely close and he is very aware of what is going on with me. So, when I am up throwing up, only eating crackers and peppermints, running to the bathroom constantly, getting nauseated when he comes home with that 10 year old boy stink, and spraying saline up my nose 50 times a day, he knows something is wrong with mom. So, I told him last night and his response was "I thought so". He is excited but is,like me, cautiously excited. He was 6 at the time of my 1st stillbirth and 9 at the time of my 2nd stillbirth, so he knows enough to remember the pain and sadness. We had a long talk last night about it not being his job to take care of me and to not try to take on that burden.

Our situation is very different from most.

lildropofheavn23 · October 2016

Nothing going on this week - My first appointment is next week and I'm counting down the days.

DD is 18 months so she doesn't totally understand. I tell her there is a baby in Mommy's belly. I tell her that her baby brother or sister is coming and that she'll have a new best friend but she'll have to learn to share Mommy. She doesn't even like when hubby gives me hugs, as only she can hug Mommy so we'll see how that goes.

clebl24 · October 2016

We've told DS, but he's only 2 so he doesn't understand. Our hospital offers a big sibling class so I'll probably sign him up for that closer to my due date.

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot · October 2016

We told our almost 3yo last night. It's her birthday this weekend and my parents will be there. I know they will be talking about it in front of her. Last night, we had her facetime my ILs to tell them. It makes me a little anxious that she knows already, but I wanted to be the one to tell her and explain it. She has friends with younger siblings so she understands that she's getting a little sister or brother. Of course she asked if they come in a box so there's some practicalities she doesn't grasp.

MamaMiller · October 2016

We haven't told anyone but my best friend. We won't share with my girls until the whole world will know... I am the principal of their school and DD#1 is 5yo and a talker. When she finds out surely the entire school will know and I want to let my advisory committee know before I tell my staff. We haven't decided when this will be and would really prefer for it to be after first trimester but I think my sisters/ parents/ in-laws will catch on before that.

slam1110 · October 2016

Looking forward to my 4 day weekend, now, thanks Hurricane Matthew. I'm really hoping it doesn't amount to much, keeping my fingers crossed.
We already told both of our kids. DD is 6 and DS is 3. We told them right before we told our parents, didn't want them to be left out. Plus DS already kept asking if I had a baby in my belly, lol, the bloat this time is for real! DD is super excited and she's been asking what the size of the baby is and it's so much fun! DD wants a sister and of course DS wants a brother. DD keeps asking how the baby will come out....that's for another day....more like year!!
@achays11 The only advice I have is just to try and keep her mind open as much as possible and keep reminding her that it might be a boy or a girl. Did she say why she didn't want a boy? Sometimes in their little minds, it might be something that's easily explained (like maybe if it's a boy it won't play with her). Kids don't rationalize the same way we do, so hopefully it's something as simple as that, GL!

achays11 · October 2016

Thanks @slam1110. I didn't ask her last night because I was a little shocked at the alligator tears. I will definitely try that next time.

mamatowildones · October 2016

We told our oldest who's only just turning 4 and he cheered. Haha I didn't expect any real reaction so that was fun for us. And our 18 month old has no idea what's coming. He is very very attached to me but I'm hoping that's having a big bro around will help with the transition.
Our parents and siblings know. And DH and I each told our closest friend. We will likely wait 2 more weeks to tell the world but I'm tempted after tomorrow's viability scan at 10+1.

chickyclg · October 2016

Every thing is going good here, I have an RE appointment tomorrow which I am anxiously awaiting since I'm having crazy cramps. I know they can be normal but man it just gives me something to worry about especially since my morning sickness has been gone the last couple of days.

We told my LOs that mommy has a baby in her belly but they are only 21 months so they don't really understand.

kat81 · October 2016

Thanks to all who responded about my sister and how to tell.

Our strategy last time was to tell her before anyone else was told. And we waited to tell her in person, so we ended up not telling anyone until we were like 15 weeks along.

My inclination is still to tell her before other people, but it's convenient to tell my parents who are visiting from out of town on this visit, and I also want to tell my in-laws (DH's parents and brother) as they are local. For reference -- my sister lives far away, as does my other sister, as do my parents, and none of them live anywhere near each other. So no matter what I'm telling both sisters over the phone at best. And there is less risk of my parents contaminating the situation if they're told ahead of my sister (i.e. there are no family gatherings, chatter, etc.) BUT if they are going to be really bad about keeping the secret and will accidentally say something obvious then that is a reason to tell her before them. I think I'd just rather tell her when I'm even more sure of the viability. Though we did just see a heartbeat today. It's a tough call.

SKZW · October 2016

After reading all these great responses, I think I'll tell my 3-year-old right before telling everyone else (in Nov., in person) so there's some time to process that info before being around everyone else talking about it. It'll give us time to chat about it and answer any questions privately that way too. Or, who knows, it might fly in one ear and out the other and we'll have nothing to worry about.

SKZW · October 2016

@kat81
I agree with the previous posters about giving your sister the news first and then giving her space to process it, esp. if you think your mom would be talking with her about it right away. That seems like a really nice way to handle any awkwardness. And it's great you're concerned about her feelings!

chickyclg · October 2016

@kat81 we struggled to get pregnant for 5 years and I remember getting those phone calls that one of my SILs was expecting (3 times). I was always genuinely happy that it was never "hidden" from me, but for the last one I was incredibly grateful that it wasn't face to face. We had just had another failed IUI and were in the process of saving for IVF, and while I was happy for her I was pissed at me. I ugly cried, yelled at my husband about how it wasn't fair, and took the day off of work. It took me 2 weeks to come around to her and legitimately be happy for her and willing to really talk about her having another baby, I also went into the crazy aunt that buys way too much for baby mode once I came around.

sqfibemom · October 2016

Not too much new this week, busy busy as always.

We already told them. I told DD2 right away (she's 2 and doesn't talk yet haha) and then we told DS and DD1 before I told my parents. I know many people wait to tell their kids but I know how much a loss devastates me and it's better for me if I can be open with my kids, at least my nine year old. DD1 informed her entire school which I totally forgot to plan for (nothing like nine year olds creepily saying "You have a baby in your belly" while you walk around the halls haha). Today DS drew a pic of me with his best friend in my belly, he's been wanting another sister the whole time but now he said he wants a boy like his best friend.

Abby7 · October 2016

We're not telling our 4 1/2 year old until I'm pretty far along, at least 12 weeks, probably longer. I've had a late-ish loss and I want to shelter her from this type of situation if I can.

jessbruxanovaa · October 2016

This week hasn't been too great. I'm currently sitting in the ER with my one year old who's burning up with a 104.2 fever. He's been sick and wanting to nurse more frequently and I'm just so fatigued. I'd tell him he's going to be a big brother if he understood what I meant lol.

WombThereItIs · October 2016

@kat81 do you think if you explained to your parents why you want them to keep mum around your sister until you can talk to her that they would understand? My mom wouldn't even talk to my sister before I told her so she wouldn't spill the beans, she knew it would be better coming from me. Totally different situation why it was tricky with her but the gist is maybe your parents will "get it".

livin541 · October 2016

We have a 2 year old and told him right away. He's been asking about a baby brother or sister for a few months since we've had friends recently have new babes. It's hard to know how much they grasp, and DH is totally worried about him spilling the beans because he's a huge chatterbox. I don't mind though, I'm planning to tell people early and have already let some close friends know. We waited till the safe "12 weeks" to tell people last time, but at this point even if something happened I'll be happy to have a support system. Plus I need people to know why I'm cranky and exhausted!

IvyMagic828 · October 2016

We have one child who turned 2 in August. I've already told him, although no one else in our families. So now if you ask him if there's a baby in mommy's belly, he says "yes, there's a baby in there!" I've asked for a while if he wants a baby brother or sister and he always says "sister". Is it a boy or a girl - "girl". So let's hope he's got good intuition and isn't disappointed! Another funny thing - DS started saying "push, push!" for some reason and H and I started joking about how I'd be doing that in several months to get this next baby out. Then DS says "maybe baby coming home", totally unprompted. This kid gets way more than we give him credit for!

So far he doesn't bring up the baby on his own, so I'm not too worried yet that he'll spill the beans to the grandparents just yet, but it could happen I suppose. At this point I think if I had a loss and just didn't mention the baby anymore, it would totally slip his mind. He doesn't really fully get it. But hopefully all goes well and it's a non-issue.

kat81 · October 2016

WombThereItIs said:

@kat81 do you think if you explained to your parents why you want them to keep mum around your sister until you can talk to her that they would understand? My mom wouldn't even talk to my sister before I told her so she wouldn't spill the beans, she knew it would be better coming from me. Totally different situation why it was tricky with her but the gist is maybe your parents will "get it".

They will 100% get it. Even if I didn't say it, they would get it. They would know to say nothing. It's their execution I'm worried about. I just remembered last night my dad accidentally told me of my sister's engagement a day before she was even engaged! (Her husband had asked permission / warned my parents it was about to happen.) I was elated--this is the same sister and she was also married after me and was waiting a while for that--but also livid that he told me! Basically I said something that made him think I already knew about it, and he was about to reveal it to me and I still gave him a chance to stop, but he still revealed it to me. I think he'd do better about keeping "bad" news to himself (this pregnancy does constitute bad news vis-a-vis telling my sister, at least at first), but I think my mom is more inclined to have trouble keeping bad news to herself.

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