I'm already having increased anxiety for no apparent reason lately, and this turned me into a sobbing angry mess last night.
I haven't spoken to or responded to my mom since June and blocked her on everything as of early August - but she keeps asking my siblings about me. I underestimated their self-control and both of them have refused to give her much info. I asked that they give NO details about me, baby, or DH lives. Bro (29) gives her basics like "she's fine but i rarely speak to her", which is pretty true. Sis (19) is gives mom nothing. Will say we talk "here and there" (but we talk daily).
Rather than ramble to explain what was said, I'm going to attach a screen shot of what she said to sis last night. (And pray she hasn't learned my screen name)
Everything she's said about me is untrue and she's twisting everything and guilting my sister so much that now SHE'S upset and feels like "mom doesn't give a shit about me, she just uses me to get info about you". I'm trying really hard to be supportive but I don't know what I can do to help my sister emotionally without having complete meltdowns myself. I'm hurt that I'm still being painted as a monster after all these years, and I'm angry that my sister is still enduring the abuse even when she's done no wrong. I know sis has to figure it out and stop playing the game with mom but until then, I hear about it.
And I don't know if this is just a vent or if I'm hoping for advice...I just am at a loss.
@aevan011 I have no experience or advice but just wanted to offer support. I have no idea what you're going through but you are so strong to cut ties with her and I hope both you and your siblings will eventually gain peace. What a piece of work. You're doing great and I'm sending all the creepy internet hugs your way.
@aevan011 That is so hard--many of these lines are familiar to me. You are 100% right: NONE of the things your mom says about you are true. She keeps playing the "I'm your mother!" card...newsflash for her...just because you have a child doesn't mean you are a great mother. If she wanted to have a real relationship with you and your siblings, she would have been a decent human being. She is NOT the one being abused. That is one of the most common lies abusers say, as well as using the whole death scenario to elicit guilt and gain control.
Your sister either needs to stop talking to your mom, or you need to take a break from speaking to your sister for a little bit. You start to heal, then you're sucked back into the guilt and sadness. I know you are not a monster, you know you are not a monster, and anyone that truly knows you also knows you are not a monster. She will never stop painting you that way, and I know how hard it is to let it go. But the best thing you can do is say "So what?"
So what if you're considered the bad daughter? Is your DH going to love you any less? Will that make you any less of a wife, mother, or friend? I guarantee you it won't. Don't internalize your mom's own self-catering and projection--by doing so you are allowing her to control you from afar. It is so unfair and it hurts--but those comments are your mom's problem, not yours. Not your sister's, and not your brother's. You can't control what they do, but you don't have to participate indirectly in the antics of your mom.
Always here to talk more if you want--many hugs to you. It's not easy on this path to normalcy after abuse.
@kbduke - thank you, I needed internet hugs. And support. I appreciate it. Really.
@dmontgo I needed that feedback, too. I guess I'm afraid that if I take a break from my sister she will start to believe what mom has said about how I'll "leave her hanging". I also found out that sis lent my mom money to fix her car not too long ago. Out of guilt. A 19 year old student who works part time....fixing her mother's car because she felt like she "owed" mom. She's just so vulnerable right now...but I am too! This is really like the WORST time for this shit to go down. My pregnancy has been relatively positive except for these MASSIVE issues with my mom.
I also realize that I'm still grieving the loss of/lack of motherly support in a time that women typically rely heavily on the mother/daughter relationship. Some days I'm fine, but others I'm more acutely aware of that gap.
I'm going to try to think of a way to ask my siblings for a break from anything relating to mom. The closer I get to the due date, the more afraid I am that an emotional event will put me and baby at risk for premature labor. Maybe my counselor can help me plan my phrasing a little better when I see her this week. ---- I don't know how much worse my mental state would be without the support of the ladies in this group - especially this particular thread. I'm not as active as a lot of ladies on the board, but this thread in particular has been so positive for me. Thank y'all.
@aevan011 - it IS the worst time for it to go down. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Even though she may be pulling you down emotionally, she's not gonna drag you back into her crazy. I'm not sure if this is the right call - maybe your counselor would have some thoughts - but my thought would be to write an open letter to your mother and siblings. Explaining the decisions you've come to regarding your mother. And the relationships with your siblings that you would still like to have. It'd be a hard letter to write because you would want to do it in a way that doesn't leave openings for debate on any of it but at this point, there's a communication web going on and rather than hearing things through different people, it may be helpful if you got one singular,honest, and simple message to everyone.
@aevan011 I understand the weirdness that comes with setting boundaries, but right now your health is the #1 priority. I have found that saying, "I am trying to reduce good and bad stress right now for the health of the baby; please direct any communication to DH for the time being" has made my point without hurting anyone's feelings.
I have days where I cry about my mom not being as involved in my pregnancy because she's just ill and the lack of enthusiasm about throwing me a shower and such really hurt. I haven't reached a point where her lack of involvement doesn't bother me at all, but keeping busy and getting friends involved has helped me a lot.
Hang in there, lady. It's all going to be OK. Deep breaths, lots of self-care...you are strong!
My mom: This past weekend we were up visiting while my grandparents were in the state. While there, we go to the places she wants to go to, with her driving. Me in the front seat, with it pulled as far forward for my grandpa to sit behind me, my grandma in the middle, and my husband behind my mom. Dear goodness, my mom can't drive! Just when my husband and I were starting to think that she was really showing herself to be a reliable person to care after our little one, she changed our minds. She is swerving down the road, texting while driving, waiting until the last minute to apply her breaks, pedal to the metal to get up to speed quickly (to then reapply breaks), not paying attention to the cars around her. My husband and grandma were in the back talking about how scared they were, I am yelping anytime I think my mom is about to hit someone...it just was not good. Also, she got this car about 3 weeks ago, so she is using her time with a car full of people to test out new functions and ask questions (same car as me). So she is asking about the left side mirror and what the line means, while not paying attention to the road because she is looking only at the mirror and I have to tell her "it's purpose is to extend your viewing, but not to replace you from paying attention to the fact that you are now going OFF of the road on the other side." And, this weekend alone, she hit 3 things. She pulled forward into her dad's jeep when trying to maneuver into her garage (took out her lower fog light and tore up the bumper pretty bad), then when she finally got into the garage, she backed into a bunch of boxes of empty wine bottles she has stored in there, and finally, when pulling into a parking spot with all of us in the car, she neglects to pay attention to the fact that the truck in front of her has a hitch and is partially in her parking spot, so she keeps pulling forward right into that hitch. I like to think that maybe her parents put her on edge and therefore she is more skittish and accident prone when they're around (long life of mental and emotional abuse), but I just don't know because she does seem to get into many many many finder benders and small accidents that put her vehicles into the shop and always locks herself out of her car (her old car had a hid-a-key for when she did that, this new car is keyless entry and won't lock with keys in the car thank goodness). So husband and I are nervous about her potentially driving our kid around! And I don't know how to address it.
@AbriannaO To me this is one of those things that needs honest communication, even at the risk of hurting your mom's feelings. Tell her that you love her, but it makes you very uncomfortable to think your child could be hurt because of her careless driving style. Either she watches him under the condition that she takes a driving course/does not leave the house with your baby, or she can visit at your house.
Driving carelessly is a big deal to me because I lost a long-term boyfriend to it--it only takes one second and someone is either dead or seriously hurt. If she doesn't see how serious it is, then I wouldn't leave baby with her, to be honest.
@dmontgo I completely agree that driving carelessly is not something to take lightly. She was in a horrific car accident in 2008 (spent 3 months in the hospital - accident was not her fault) and I cannot fathom that she does not take more care when out driving because of what she's been through. And the worse part is, she had to re-take a drivers test within the last 2 years to lift her vehicle driving restrictions (had a left foot accelerator opposed to right). It is definitely a conversation that we have to have with her, just need to think about the best time to have it. With the birth 2.5 months off, we still have some time, but these 2.5 months are going to FLY by! We already have made the decision that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law cannot drive our baby around because of their lifestyle choices (smokes while driving)/poor driving records/husband just does not trust them at all.
Any time in the past that I have brought up "rules" regarding our kid (first grandchild), she usually makes some kind of remark regarding me being a protective mother. To which I always reply "you're damn right I am a protective mother, and I will continue to be." She has made comments about us requiring that all grandparents be up-to-date on the Tdap vaccine, that I am using an OB-GYN versus a mid-wife, that I am not questioning why the doctor is having me do blood tests and get vaccinated myself, and that I am not going into this birth with a full set birth plan and going completely natural (not opposed to medication or medical intervention should it be needed)/doing it myself like she did or getting a Doula. She is exhausting!
@AbriannaO Yeah...all that considering I wouldn't let her drive your baby around. Hell to the naw. Don't let her brush off your concerns---she can either take them seriously or deal with the consequences (not driving baby around). It's not a superfluous request--it's very reasonable. Don't back down, momma!
@dmontgo when I asked my husband how he wants to address it, he said "we drive separately, always" - so he is on the same thought path! I said we definitely need to at least verbally address it earlier rather than later so that we don't have to deal with it when she asks why we don't leave car seats for her when she comes over to babysit (if she ever does). There is a reason why there are ambulances, if there is an emergency, call 911, do not drive to the hospital.
@AbriannaO How did you address it with his family? You can either wait for her to bring it up, or you can say something along the lines of how her driving on the weekend got you thinking that there needs to be ground rules.
@dmontgo we haven't addressed it with his family. He has a very distant/borderline estranged relationship with his mom/sister and we already know that they will not have solo time with our kid(s) just because he does not trust them. It may be something that they can earn over the years, but all interactions will have us present at all times with them. They haven't questioned it, and when (if) they do, I have no doubt we will just tell them that it works better for us this way.
That is a great way to start the conversation with my mom. My husband asked if I wanted him to address her, but I said that I think it should be the two of us so that we are coming at her as a unified front with concerns instead of me or him being the bad guy.
@aevan011 I think I'm a bit late to the game, but damn lady. I'm sorry! That's hard. Looks like she has a lot of issues that SHE needs to deal with, that aren't your fault at all.
My dad is still driving me crazy. Seriously this man has not said one word to me, his oldest, pregnant with is first grandchildren, in SIX MONTHS. I told him if he wants to be a grandpa, he needs to do better, and let shit go, and going forward just play nice with my husband. I don't expect them to be BFFs, they don't need to have some big conversation about it, there are no apologies needed. Just be a civil human being when the two of you are in the same room. And he literally told my mom that he just can't let shit go that my husband has done/said like TEN YEARS ago. I mean, some of it is more recent I guess. But seriously, he literally said he can't let it go..so because he can't adhere to my ONE REQUEST, because that's just so much more important to him than being a grandpa! He goes around telling people that my mom is going to be a grandma, but he's not going to be a grandpa. My mom told me that he went a little "papa" crazy at Costco last night, and bought the girls some things. I just said okay.....well he hasn't talked to me in six months....don't really know what he expects....yay you bought the girls some clothes. That's not solving anything! I feel like he'll continue to be an ass until the girls are born, and then once they are show up and suddenly just start "acting like a grandpa" without saying a word. And I'm apparently just supposed to be okay with that...oh and my husband too...who knows full well all that's going on and how my dad is holding this grudge against him.
Also I showed the adorable going home outfits that I'm going to order to my MIL, which include these super cute headbands...and she was like, "oh you're not going to put headbands on them...are you? You're not going to do that...." um. Yes and I am, and they'll be damn cute too! The hell. Hmmmph.
@aevan011 I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. As if you don't already have enough to think about. I have cut out one toxic family member from my life, but it was an uncle, which was hard enough, so I can't imagine how hard it is when it's your mom. I'm sorry I can't be of any help, but keep venting if you need to, and know we are thinking about you.
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.27
I haven't spoken to or responded to my mom since June and blocked her on everything as of early August - but she keeps asking my siblings about me. I underestimated their self-control and both of them have refused to give her much info. I asked that they give NO details about me, baby, or DH lives. Bro (29) gives her basics like "she's fine but i rarely speak to her", which is pretty true. Sis (19) is gives mom nothing. Will say we talk "here and there" (but we talk daily).
Rather than ramble to explain what was said, I'm going to attach a screen shot of what she said to sis last night. (And pray she hasn't learned my screen name)
Everything she's said about me is untrue and she's twisting everything and guilting my sister so much that now SHE'S upset and feels like "mom doesn't give a shit about me, she just uses me to get info about you". I'm trying really hard to be supportive but I don't know what I can do to help my sister emotionally without having complete meltdowns myself. I'm hurt that I'm still being painted as a monster after all these years, and I'm angry that my sister is still enduring the abuse even when she's done no wrong. I know sis has to figure it out and stop playing the game with mom but until then, I hear about it.
And I don't know if this is just a vent or if I'm hoping for advice...I just am at a loss.
Your sister either needs to stop talking to your mom, or you need to take a break from speaking to your sister for a little bit. You start to heal, then you're sucked back into the guilt and sadness. I know you are not a monster, you know you are not a monster, and anyone that truly knows you also knows you are not a monster. She will never stop painting you that way, and I know how hard it is to let it go. But the best thing you can do is say "So what?"
So what if you're considered the bad daughter? Is your DH going to love you any less? Will that make you any less of a wife, mother, or friend? I guarantee you it won't. Don't internalize your mom's own self-catering and projection--by doing so you are allowing her to control you from afar. It is so unfair and it hurts--but those comments are your mom's problem, not yours. Not your sister's, and not your brother's. You can't control what they do, but you don't have to participate indirectly in the antics of your mom.
Always here to talk more if you want--many hugs to you. It's not easy on this path to normalcy after abuse.
@dmontgo I needed that feedback, too. I guess I'm afraid that if I take a break from my sister she will start to believe what mom has said about how I'll "leave her hanging". I also found out that sis lent my mom money to fix her car not too long ago. Out of guilt. A 19 year old student who works part time....fixing her mother's car because she felt like she "owed" mom. She's just so vulnerable right now...but I am too! This is really like the WORST time for this shit to go down. My pregnancy has been relatively positive except for these MASSIVE issues with my mom.
I also realize that I'm still grieving the loss of/lack of motherly support in a time that women typically rely heavily on the mother/daughter relationship. Some days I'm fine, but others I'm more acutely aware of that gap.
I'm going to try to think of a way to ask my siblings for a break from anything relating to mom. The closer I get to the due date, the more afraid I am that an emotional event will put me and baby at risk for premature labor. Maybe my counselor can help me plan my phrasing a little better when I see her this week.
----
I don't know how much worse my mental state would be without the support of the ladies in this group - especially this particular thread. I'm not as active as a lot of ladies on the board, but this thread in particular has been so positive for me. Thank y'all.
I have days where I cry about my mom not being as involved in my pregnancy because she's just ill and the lack of enthusiasm about throwing me a shower and such really hurt. I haven't reached a point where her lack of involvement doesn't bother me at all, but keeping busy and getting friends involved has helped me a lot.
Hang in there, lady. It's all going to be OK. Deep breaths, lots of self-care...you are strong!
Driving carelessly is a big deal to me because I lost a long-term boyfriend to it--it only takes one second and someone is either dead or seriously hurt. If she doesn't see how serious it is, then I wouldn't leave baby with her, to be honest.
Any time in the past that I have brought up "rules" regarding our kid (first grandchild), she usually makes some kind of remark regarding me being a protective mother. To which I always reply "you're damn right I am a protective mother, and I will continue to be." She has made comments about us requiring that all grandparents be up-to-date on the Tdap vaccine, that I am using an OB-GYN versus a mid-wife, that I am not questioning why the doctor is having me do blood tests and get vaccinated myself, and that I am not going into this birth with a full set birth plan and going completely natural (not opposed to medication or medical intervention should it be needed)/doing it myself like she did or getting a Doula. She is exhausting!
That is a great way to start the conversation with my mom. My husband asked if I wanted him to address her, but I said that I think it should be the two of us so that we are coming at her as a unified front with concerns instead of me or him being the bad guy.
My dad is still driving me crazy. Seriously this man has not said one word to me, his oldest, pregnant with is first grandchildren, in SIX MONTHS. I told him if he wants to be a grandpa, he needs to do better, and let shit go, and going forward just play nice with my husband. I don't expect them to be BFFs, they don't need to have some big conversation about it, there are no apologies needed. Just be a civil human being when the two of you are in the same room. And he literally told my mom that he just can't let shit go that my husband has done/said like TEN YEARS ago. I mean, some of it is more recent I guess. But seriously, he literally said he can't let it go..so because he can't adhere to my ONE REQUEST, because that's just so much more important to him than being a grandpa! He goes around telling people that my mom is going to be a grandma, but he's not going to be a grandpa. My mom told me that he went a little "papa" crazy at Costco last night, and bought the girls some things. I just said okay.....well he hasn't talked to me in six months....don't really know what he expects....yay you bought the girls some clothes. That's not solving anything! I feel like he'll continue to be an ass until the girls are born, and then once they are show up and suddenly just start "acting like a grandpa" without saying a word. And I'm apparently just supposed to be okay with that...oh and my husband too...who knows full well all that's going on and how my dad is holding this grudge against him.
Also I showed the adorable going home outfits that I'm going to order to my MIL, which include these super cute headbands...and she was like, "oh you're not going to put headbands on them...are you? You're not going to do that...." um. Yes and I am, and they'll be damn cute too! The hell. Hmmmph.
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I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. As if you don't already have enough to think about. I have cut out one toxic family member from my life, but it was an uncle, which was hard enough, so I can't imagine how hard it is when it's your mom. I'm sorry I can't be of any help, but keep venting if you need to, and know we are thinking about you.