@aevan011 Love these ideas. Before pregnancy we had get-togethers every week at our house, usually twice a week. I didn't mind because like you said, you can escape at the end. Also, my friends know that I have a certain "interaction threshold." With family that doesn't see me often, they don't know me well enough to know that about me and it can get awkward--they take it personally. I especially like DH being like the "gatekeeper."
We really need to start informing family of our visitor policy post baby. My family very used to being in the room and/or waiting room the entire labor and seeing baby immediately. I don't want anyone there for at least an hour after he's born. I'm considering just not telling anyone I'm in labor, but will need to tell at least one person so they can watch our dog.
My my worry is my grandma. She's flying in the day after Christmas. EDD is the 21st so well most likely be in trenches adjusting to life with a newborn. We have a guest room. My mom is convinced grandma will be staying with us. I need to talk to her. I love her and am totally fine with her spending a lot of time at our house. But not overnight. There are plenty of other people should could stay with. I know she'll respect our wishes, but I'm hoping she's not too sad about it. She's very sensitive and often thinks the rest of the family doesn't want to be around her. So it's balancing act of maintaining our space while making sure she knows she's welcome and wanted.
Does DH count? Love him to death, but he's driving me crazy! Without getting into all the details, and kinda throwing him under the bus, he's very stressed with work, and it's affecting his judgement. He keeps doing things that make me saying wtf is wrong with you. We get in this big blow up fights, where he makes me out to be this crazy pregnant lady. While yes, I may agree that I could be over reacting a tad, the base reasoning behind my anger is completely justified. Then the next day he's all I'm sorrys and I love yous...and even though I'm still mad I just sigh and get un-mad. Shit is driving me crazy though.
Haven't really thought about visitors. I'm sure immediate family will come to the hospital. Don't see friends coming...in fact our friends have seemed pretty disinterested with us since I got pregnant. Probably because we're the first to have kids, and we're having twins...probably blows their minds just a bit. I worry that my mom will be over bearing...she's already told me she can take two weeks off...I'm like uhhhhhhh well I don't think you need to take that much time...mostly I'll need help in the weeks after my husband goes back to work. My SIL lives 5 minutes away, but she's usually not overbearing. My in laws...well I'm not sure. See SIL was SO dependent on them when she had her kid...and I really don't have any intention of doing what she did. No one would dream of coming from out of town and staying with us. I guess we'll just see.
@dmontgo I find it hard having people her overnight; I'm happiest if people are here for two hours and then leave. When we do have people staying with us, I get alone time by leaving...groceries, chores, whatever. Sometimes I'll take a book and hole up in a Starbucks for while. When I'm pregnant, I use the tired excuse and just go and lie down, sometimes with my computer I also make it clear that people are welcome (and encouraged) to help themselves. It's easier if guests feel free to get themselves breakfast or whatever so we don't ALWAYS have to be together!
@JessCL It really makes me feel better that I am not the only one who prefers not to have overnight visitors in general. Sometimes I'm so self-reflective that I wonder if I am being unreasonable or a bad person. If DH really wants someone to stay overnight then I welcome them, but fortunately he's a lot like me in this regard--doesn't want to give up the freedom to walk around naked!
He doesn't want overnight guests once Ash gets here, either, but I was wondering to myself if I'm a strange person by not enjoying guests that stay too long. Thanks for reassuring me I'm not nuts!
@dmontgo You totally aren't alone. I find I am ok when my guests are my family or SIL, but anyone I have to "be on" for is really exhausting. I think the difference is that my parents/SIL don't need to be babysat and help out/clean up/understand if I go to my room for awhile. MIL totally drains me. She is an energy sucker, though, like Harry Potter dementor-style.
When other people are here, DH can usually tell when I need a break and he'll distract folks so I can take a break. Or I will tell him I need a few. Tha happens even without overnight guests sometimes. Especially now that I'm pregnant.
So I've been pretty quiet lately because I've just been feeling really off. Like could probably find 10 happy things if I tried for the other thread, but couldn't bring myself to try because I've been feeling so toxic.
It started with my IL's coming for the weekend and showing up hours early. I just felt trapped. They stayed until Monday at lunch time, so more hours of just me entertaining them. All weekend I just felt anxious, cranky, and exhausted. I took naps and spent time in our bedroom trying to decompress but it wasn't really enough because they were still there.
On top of that my friend texts me while I'm at church on Sunday that she accidentally double booked my shower (on the 8th) with a wedding she agreed to photograph. "Such a blessing!" she texted me that she that she hadn't sent out the invitations yet. I was so frustrated that we were going to have to move the shower (this is the third time), my husband was going to have to switch around being on call again, and not to mention how crazed and helpless I felt that the invites weren't even sent out yet. I went and sat in the church lobby and cried. She kept texting me, "You're mad aren't you? I can feel you're mad." Which left me compelled to insist I wasn't mad even though I was feeling incredibly hurt because I didn't want her in turn get upset with me (I know, I know codependent and passive-aggressive behavior, I recognized it even as I was doing it). I missed the church sermon because I was too upset to concentrate on it. I just am exhausted with everyone in my life being so busy and feeling like an after thought. If my grandmother (the woman I actual consider a mother) weren't in a hospital bed in her living room I would have someone checking in on me, making this feel special, and I wouldn't be feeling so alone and like an inconvenience for everyone, etc. I talked to BFF later, and she told me that she talked to my great-aunt who is helping her, and that great aunt is wanting to put all of the food outside on the carport. Gross. No. More stress.
After my in-laws left on Monday, I've just had a stress/anxiety hangover. I've not been excited about anything. Not my baby showers, not looking forward to the future, stressing about anything and everything - getting the Rhogam shot, the glucose test, worrying they'll forget after Eaton's born to give me the shot again, worrying they'll grill me about my birth control choices after he's born, fretting they'll mix him up with someone else's baby if he gets taken to a nursery in the hospital. I've not wanted to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere, take care of anything. I've not even felt like talking on here, which I've done almost every day of this pregnancy because I love you guys.
I was talking to DH and begging please that no one else come to stay with us until after the baby's born, and in the midst of that his sister texts that she wants to come see us before baby comes. That sends me on a spiral of frustration/guilt because I don't want to be like "no you can't." And yet, I feel like if someone else comes and stays Ima a need a hotel to be alone. In the process of that conversation I mentioned to DH that his dad and stepMIL didn't need to stay when Eaton's born, that if they wanted to come and help could they come after he goes to back to work when I actually will need help. That was a huge communication ordeal where he was wanting me to understand that they should stay and help take care of the dogs while we're in the hospital and me trying to explain we don't need folks here when he's (DH) here. We got around to an understanding but it left me feeling anxious and petty and worried that they'd just end up staying the whole week he's off regardless.
I have had two meltdowns so far today. Earlier my husband spent most of the afternoon trying to comfort me because all of the above was making me feel really toxic and listless. I was just crying for no particular provocation other than just thinking about all of the above and feeling stressed and worrying out of my mind about shots and tests and driving 6 hours round trip and back to Georgia twice. Then again at the doctor's office.
The doctor's office: So I get there today and the receptionist tells me that my doctor had to go to the hospital an hour ago for L&D and there was seven people in front of me, did I want to stay or leave. My first thought was, why the heck didn't you just call me and see if I wanted to reschedule? I did ask that, but she didn't even bother to acknowledge me. I decide to stay because my husband likes to come with me to the doctor and he had left work early to take me. I didn't have to wait too long. When the nurse took me back she starts chattering at me about flu shots and trying to get my husband to sit in a waiting room. Anxiety queen me did NOT want to be separated from DH, so after seeing me start to panic she lets him come with me (which he always does, I don't know what her deal was). She keeps chattering at me about the flu shot and interrupting me and rushing me to weigh and pee in a cup. Then she's still chattering at me about shots and making another appointment for next week while taking my blood pressure. I know you're surprised it was 140/90 when she took it then. And so I burst into tears.
I manage to choke out that I'm having a hard day. She immediately calms down when she realizes she's stressing me way out. Soothingly gives me a flu shot and tells me that we'll check it again before I leave, which she does and it's back to my usual 120/80. I talked to my doctor about what's been going on. I simply said, I'm going to tell you everything and you tell me if I'm just pregnant or if I'm off roading it. She determines, sweetly and gently that I'm definitely off roading and has written me a prescription for some anxiety medication that she promises won't bother Eaton at all. She also agreed we should check my thyroid when I told her about it, which made me feel better, since some of y'all might remember I had a frustrating conversation with the receptionist and a nurse over the phone when I tried to impress that I wanted it to be checked because it had allegedly been found irregular in the past. Nice lady. I quite liked her.
This evening my dad called and I just unloaded everything on him like an emotional dump truck (kind of like what I'm doing right now). He was so supportive and helpful. Informed me that my sister's homecoming dance is the same day as my new shower date (of course it is), which stressed me out further. However, at the end of the conversation he said, "I think we both agree that your shower should be a happy time for you and that it shouldn't be an afterthought or thrown together." He balked with me about putting food on the carport when there is plenty of room inside. He had me give him BFF's number so he could talk to her about the shower and see if he couldn't help to get things running more sensibly. When he said that I just felt so...I don't know, I just needed someone to papa or mama bear for me. I've been feeling like nobody cares that I'm pregnant, that I'm driving a lot to get there for these showers, that I'm stressed, that no one is calling to check on me and just calling to stress me out. I thanked him for wanting to "dad" for me. It was probably the most relieving thing that has happened since my stress spiral - just him hearing me and taking over something that was becoming a nightmare to be there for me.
Needless to say, I've been having a rough time. My mom is still trying to contact me, I'm still valiantly ignoring her, trying not to give her energy boosts by reading her emails before I delete them or listening to the contents of her blocked voicemails before I delete them. Still kind of freaked she's going to show up at my house, but trying not to think about it.
The fact that I have popped in to talk about it (at length) is a good sign. I've been silently stewing for days. I'm going to go get my prescription tomorrow and hopefully will start to feel better soon. If you've made it to the end of this very lengthy post, I love you too, friend.
@Austenista Sweetheart, we love you. Never feel alone, as we are here.
You are not alone, and several of us are dealing with anxiety. Any time you want to talk you can PM me.
Your baby loves you, baby cares about how you are doing, as does your DH.
ETA rest of post: I am glad that your dad went to bat for you. Daddies can be awesome like that. I am also glad that you recognized that you needed help, and that you were able to get it.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@austenista I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems like things just keep piling up and it's been super hard to escape the stress. I'm really glad that both your doctor and your dad were supportive and offering solutions. Hopefully the meds will help you feel less stressed/anxious.
We're all here to listen and offer support whenever you need it!
For what its worth - I would have been super pissed if my friend needed to reschedule a shower 3 times. Stress and anger are totally justified for that!
@Austenista So many hugs to you---all of that sounds extremely frustrating and lonely. I would cry too with all of that on my plate--and shame on the people who are treating you like an afterthought. If they were in your shoes, they'd want their pregnancy recognized and celebrated for the special time it is.
Everything will be ok. I know it feels all so overwhelming and scary and anxious but you got this. Your DH is going to have to be your body guard and shut down the unnecessary stress that is heading your way. My DH has told everyone that to get to me, they will need to communicate with him first. That has helped my anxiety a great deal---maybe it could help you too? I'm sure the meds will help a lot as well!
Dont worry about your mom, or the details of the shower, or anything that you absolutely don't have to--just rest, and know that is enough. We are always here to talk, and of course you can shoot me a PM any time!
@Austenista I'm so sorry the last couple of days have been so turbulent for you. I'm glad you were able to get some support from your dad and your OB though! You really shouldn't have to stress this much about your own shower, hopefully your friend will let your dad help out and the shower will run a lot more smoothly.
@Kate08Young thank you so much, I love you guys too. It feels amazing to have people I can come and share with even on the internet machine. ETA: (because I saw your edit) Yes, it's not easy for me to ask for help, or even recognize that I really need it. I need to learn to be a better advocate for myself. It's hard. Yeah, my dad really pleasantly surprised me today. He gets all the long-distance hugs.
@karmba it has been piling up, it's also been my bad for letting it. It worked out well that things kind of bubbled over today at the doctor's office. I considered calling to reschedule this morning because I was feeling so off, but I'm glad I went and talked to my doctor instead. My bff is a great friend, but she's terrible about taking too much on and never saying no. Unfortunately, I currently feel like the thing she should have decided to say no and let someone else do. I'm so thankful about my dad listening and stepping up to want to do something. Shower giving isn't necessarily a man-sport, but he's always been my one functioning parent. Needing a dad-intervention happens less when you're 30 than it does at say, 15, but it felt really good for him to want to get involved because he cared. It felt like finding water after weeks in the desert.
@dmontgo I have been feeling super lonely, all the while self-isolating while I process all these bad feelings. DH is an amazing supportive husband, I think sometimes he just doesn't know what to do, especially when I'm not firing at all cylinders. I think/hope he will eventually advocate and be a barrier, I also know he really misses and enjoys being with his family. We don't have any issues with them, so I know it's tough for him to want to turn them away or tell them they can't be here for any reason. Thanks for always being so supportive, you've almost gotten a PM or two over the past few days, I just couldn't find the words until now, when I'm feeling a little better.
@ashleaf2018 my dad really surprised me by wanting to take charge. It was such a relief just feeling like someone cared enough to go, "yeah this is terrible and shouldn't be," and want to do something about it. I've just been dying to take over myself and do the whole thing just because it seemed like such an ordeal for everyone else (to be clear the shower is not so much about gifts for me as it is about getting to do that with my grandmother, and her be there since there's no way for her to be there when he's born or come see him all fresh and new). On Sunday I was on the verge of saying, "forget it completely."
@Austenista I struggle with isolation when I get in a funk, too--sometimes it takes me a while to get my feelings straight in my head because all of the emotions are very "loud." You may just have to sit down with DH and tell him what you need and tell him specifically how he can help. Writing out needs helps me when the "noise" is too much, and it's easier to convey when I'm talking about solutions.
Your DH doesn't have to turn people away, but there needs to be a system where you're both comfortable. If that means people getting hotel rooms, then so be it. They can visit without being in yo bizness the entire time, and it could lessen the anxiety for you while he still gets the quality time he craves. Also, if the dogs need to be tended to, perhaps leaving a key is good middle ground.
A lot of us on the this thread have mentioned we don't particularly like overnight guests, either.. so you're in good company!
@Austenista - I hear you! I know I am very "off" lately, my husband makes remarks to it. I have struggled in the past with depression and that inspired my fear of post-partum so much that it was a reason for us moving back to our home state before getting pregnant (something I never thought I would do). I never would have thought that I would be going through depression WHILE pregnant, it's not fun. I go back and forth between wanting to keep busy or completely stay away from people (including husband). I am irritable and easily go over the edge at the slightest things. We set very strong boundaries for visitors (like 2+ hours away from family and friends) because I didn't want to have to set those boundaries later on after an incident occurs. Husband's mom and sister stress me out to no belief, and my mom sometimes takes things too far, but it trying to get better due to numerous conversations we have had about boundaries and how she makes me feel. To top it off, my grandparents are now visiting next week from out of state, and that is just adding more stress.
Is your friend my old maid of honor? Sounds exactly the same with overbooking and pushing things around. She neglected to send out invites for our bridal shower, after we hand made them all. They just were never sent.
My husband is a very quiet man, but he has noticed that he needs to be more vocal to help me out. I am usually the gavel and decision maker in the relationship and he is taking on a lot more of the social aspects. He really does not care for company or social situations, so it's easier for him to stand up and say no than it is for me. He is also taking on a lot more mediator roles between us and our parents because I over stress and analyze everything.
We have offended my SIL. Not very hard to do. I've mentioned before she is a borderline hoarder and she has basically turned my ILs house into a disaster area of piles of crap, food, and garbage. Well every year since I've known DH we've done a Halloween party. It's kind of her thing because she's such a huge Halloween person. Last year she held it at the ILs house and not ours which was a first. The house was gross and several people were embarrassed to be there. This year she wants to have it at the house again and not our place. DH and I told her the house was a disaster and asked will it be ready. She got all defensive that it was other people's crap she wasn't allowed to touch and now she can so she's getting rid of it. I'm sorry, the piles of garbage last year weren't yours? Also the party will be October 30, which puts me at the 34 week mark. And it's a 45 minute drive to where she is. I don't know if I want to travel 45 minutes away that far along, especially since I'd be driving (DH doesn't do well night driving). So now she is all mad at us we called her out on having a messy house and is being bitchy. DH and I agreed were going to tell her after my appointment in 2 weeks I have been put on travel restrictions and can't make the drive down there. She'll probably say just have 2 parties and the people who were embarrassed to be there can come to ours and the others can go to hers. Whatever, I can't stand being in that house and DH is embarrassed to have his friends in the house he grew up in because it's a disaster.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@dmontgo I really should have taken pictures when I was there 2 weeks ago. Not a clear surface in the kitchen, several boxes of cereal open as well as 2 bags of cookies. Bottles of soda everywhere in various stages of fullness. She lives there with her FI and there is so much food there, more than 2 people need. I usually take my shoes off when I'm in houses but had I done that there the bottom of my feet would have been black. I've told DH we are NOT bringing Squish to that house until it is clean. As a newborn maybe because they'll be in their carrier, pack n play or swing/rocker. But when crawling starts, NOPE! I mean, I get there's a dog and you have dog fur everywhere. I have a lab, I get the struggle with the shed. But this is dirt and hair and dog fur all over the floor. We (by we I mean DH, lol) sweep once a week and mop regularly. Even after we sweep, give it an hour, it looks like we've done nothing because there's dog fur all over the place again. But at least we swept.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@phoenix870509 I had a distant relative that lived like that (except with a lot of animals) and it got so bad that their place was deemed unsafe to live. Controlled fire burned it down and they had to go to therapy. Maybe a UO, but sometimes places like that need a match. I'm sorry it's a childhood home--it must hurt to see it in that condition.
@phoenix870509 I'm embarrassed by my parent's house too. It's not like, disgusting, with piles of garbage. But it's just so messy, absolute clutter everywhere. At one point last year I went in my parent's basement, looked around, and told my mom if she dies and leaves this mess to me I will bring her back from the dead, and kill her again. I know it's the reason I get so OCD about my house...growing up in that mess....
DH is so embarrassed by it. Last year at the party he was so uncomfortable being there with his best friends, letting them see the house that way. He keeps saying this is not how he and his sisters were raised. When his father was down he told DH he should come by the house more often, and as DH explained it, he knew his father knew the reason we don't visit. The house is not DH's responsibility, it's his sister's. And my FIL told us he is so disappointed in her and how she is treating the house.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
I'm so torn on the visitor policy. I told my Dad that I didn't think we would tell anyone when I go into labor and that we would call when L arrives. He was not happy. And honestly I want my Dad there, it's more that I don't want every family member in a 3 hour radius showing up. My mom is deceased and I'm sure my aunt and cousin already have plans of coming the minute they hear I'm in labor to "support" me.
I think at this point parents will get a phone call when we get to the hospital as well as my grandpa and both of our brothers. I there than that everyone else can wait.
As far as visiting our home once he's here I have no clue yet.
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I am in the same boat @ErikandAfton - very torn on visitors. In my current state of mind, I would love to have my family there. But sometimes they stress me out, and given that I have no idea how I will react to being a mom/being in the hospital/having a new human to care for, I don't know. I can't imagine I would want anyone in the delivery room with me, though I know my mom would want to be there.
As for when we get home, I am pretty sure I will be annoyed if anyone just drops by with no notice or short notice... based on everything I've read and heard from you all/friends who have had kids, I can't imagine myself being very accommodating or pleasant to "outsiders" our first few weeks at home.
Background: FI's family doesn't like me because we are not married and we are choosing not to get married before we have the baby. They are very demeaning and belittling to me to the point that last time I was there it was a shouting match over parenting choices that we are making for Rhett and they don't agree with them, nor do they respect my role as Rhett's mother or FI's partner. For this reason we have not told them about our scheduled C date because FI doesn't want the conflict of telling them they can't be there to see the baby the same day we have him, we are calling them the next day to tell them when they can visit. This was decided by both FI and I because they are his family and he cannot handle them and we both agree that I shouldn't have to.
So today, we visited with my extended family that we don't normally see only because my mom and dad came in from out of town. It was my dad's side of the family and most of them have drug/alcohol issues. He has reconciled with some of them that have gotten sober so we visit them occasionally. The whole house smelled of cigarette smoke, none of them have an "inside voice" so everyone was yelling over each other, and literally everyone was grabbing my belly without even asking first. I'm already prone to being nauseous and all this made it worse. I decided to just grin and bear it because we don't see them often so it's not like I'll have to go through it again. They asked when I was due and I was honest about the scheduled C and that no one would be allowed to come see him except our immediate family and that we would call everyone else when we were ready.
So then when we left FI was mad that I told my family but he "couldn't" tell his family. And I explained that if he could handle his family and stand up to them and be firm with them in our decisions, that I don't care what he tells them. That has always been what we agreed on. That he has to handle his family and if he won't then he doesn't need to tell them anything. I reminded him that I handled my family 100% on my own and stood my ground. I didn't expect him to deal with them for me. It's like he expects me to deal with my crazy family and his.
He backed off after I said all that, I think he's upset because he wants to communicate with his family but doesn't want to deal with the backlash that comes with it. These are the same people that don't want me in their house because we are choosing to baby wear, cloth diaper, and breastfeed, and above all because we aren't married. Those aren't things that they should feel the need to argue with us about because it's all ultimately our decision, they can have a good relationship with their grandson regardless of the parenting choices we make and they still, at this point, have chosen not to. My dad has made rude comments about the cloth diapering just because he didn't understand it, but I handled his concerns, I never made FI validate our choices to my family because since they're my family I took care of it. He won't do it with his family, and then gets mad at me because he can't tell them anything.
Sorry @ashleaf2018 - hugs. I agree, you're totally right in that FI needs to handle his family and you handle yours. I'm glad you were able to express that to him.
@ashleaf2018 I'm sorry this behavior has been getting you down. It is so unacceptable for "adults" to act this way and add stress to an already big transition. You're 100% right that FI needs to man up and handle his family--their behavior will only get worse once Rhett is here. I hope he realizes this and takes steps to protect his little family.
@ashleaf2018 That is not is not ok. Your FI needs to figure it out. Kudos to you for not completely losing it/disowning him.
I would have called his family and informed them of the CS date, and that they couldn't come until called. Then said talk to FI about it. But I'm super petty when it comes to adults not understanding their own reasons.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@ashleaf2018 That sounds super rough, sorry FI's family is consistently problematic for you and that he felt upset, but you handled that really well. You're right that you should handle your family while he handles his. Good job being able to be upfront with yours about your choices!
I just hate that it's been like this because I actually had a good relationship with his family before we found out about the baby. I think they just automatically expected us to get married before the baby gets here and since neither FI and I want to do that, they are taking it out on me. They were never like this before though. I don't really care if FI communicates with them or not because at the end of the day they're his family and it's his choice on whether or not to deal with them. If he's not dealing with them it means I don't have to.
But it's the fact that he wants it to be done, he just doesn't want to be the one to do it and expects me to. And I was just like, sorry, no. You just saw the crazy circus I have to handle, I don't have time to deal with them and deal with your family too. The other side of that is that FI's sister "came out" last year and his family is very religious so I think they are in the middle of a parenting mid-life crisis because one of their kids is gay and the other one is unwed and having a baby. Which I totally don't have a problem with but for his parents it's a big deal and not okay. I understand them not approving but at the same time there are worse things in life, we could be alcoholics, drug dealers, prostitutes, etc. There are worse things in life than being gay or having a baby out of wedlock. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, sometimes you have to pick your battles. Because at the end of the day, they're still family and they still love each other. So it doesn't really make sense to hold a grudge over it IMO.
@ashleaf2018 - wtf. your in-laws need to not be judgey bigots. That's all I have to say. I feel bad for your SIL. I feel bad for you (seriously, WHO JUDGES SOMEONE FOR WANTING TO WEAR THEIR BABY, BREASTFEED, AND CLOTH DIAPER?!)
Sorry, not being helpful here but they just don't sound like my kind of people. I'm sorry you're stuck with them
ETA - I'm also sorry you've got such a challenging family too. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and lack of respect for personal boundaries... oof. WHILE suffering with HG?! Girl. Get thee to a spa.
@slartybartfast Exactly... I identify as more "crunchy" on a lot of things when it comes to parenting styles and most people I've met either love it or are just like "yep, not for me." I've never met someone who wanted to start World War III over it til FI's parents. My family is a whole other bag of worms but they are my worms and I'll deal with them. I honestly don't care if anyone likes it or not because when it's 2am and the baby has a blowout, the only people who will be changing that diaper are FI and me. So if they're not having to deal with it I don't care what their opinion is.
FI really is wonderful, he is so supportive in every way except when it comes to his family. He turned out so good, I'm not really sure how with the way his parents are so uptight on everything. They can't ever just not care about something, they have to have a strong opinion on everything and feel like they have to share it. FI is so much more laid back and calm. I really hit the FI lottery and then his family, I have no clue what to do with them.
@ashleaf2018 His parents sound a lot like my dad and MIL--as long as you are doing exactly what *they* want you to do, then they like you--as soon as you deviate, you are Public Enemy #1. They think their way of thinking/doing something is the ONLY way to do it, and they will openly criticize anyone that has a different opinion. They can't control you and so they figure they will criticize you into submission. They don't understand that criticizing the mother of their grandchild is a terrible, TERRIBLE idea...and will only hurt them in the end. Fingers crossed FI does something, because it shouldn't be your responsibility to stand up to his family for being so needlessly callous.
This is going to be jumbled and disjointed. I'm also trying to maybe give some insight as to why they are being less then welcoming.
@ashleaf2018 I think maybe your In-laws are focusing on you/baby because it isn't 'set in stone' yet. So maybe they think that they can maybe change your mind, cause FI to rethink and change his mind. While a persons sexuality is less likely to be changed or influenced.
I'm not saying I agree, but being fairly religious and raised very religious, it can be difficult to have people go against your beliefs and be immediately accepting. Especially if you raised them 'right'. It takes an entire mind shift, and self evaluation of personal beliefs. Maybe they are struggling to grasp how their child could go so far from the way they were brought up, and while they are trying to come to terms with that,
They are trying to control something, anything they can.
Edit: jumbled not humbled.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@ashleaf2018 We dealt with a LOT of backlash for not being married. We've been together for 11 years and just got 'married' this summer. Our reasons? The main one was that I was in school for 9 of those years, and I refused to plan a wedding while working and doing homework and having children. It's just too much. And I am so glad we waited. Our big secret though, even though we set everything up and held the ceremony, we did not turn in our paperwork. So will still aren't married. We realized we would get totally screwed with health insurance at DH's new (and awesome) job. Right now we pay $300 for me and my Dd's, but if we got married we'd have to go on DH's insurance... which would be $900/mo for the crappy plan, and $1,450/mo for a plan like what I have. Needless to say, we don't need another mortgage payment! Lol So even though we got married, we are not legally so. We wouldn't be able to afford it. We also do many things that are considered 'crunchy', but the families just deal with it. I've managed to influence a few people into some of our crunchy ways. But the majority of our families think we are weird. Another similarity, I told DH that we will have a 30 minute visiting window the day after we have DS. Anyone who can't make it, can wait a few days or weeks. Except my sister and mom, who I'm close with and they are great moms, so I can use their help changing diapers, burping, etc. while DH helps me in and out of bed etc (RCS). Just stick to your guns, it sounds like you are doing a good job of it. You are doing what is best for your family, and if they don't get it, then that is their problem. Bam.
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.20
My my worry is my grandma. She's flying in the day after Christmas. EDD is the 21st so well most likely be in trenches adjusting to life with a newborn. We have a guest room. My mom is convinced grandma will be staying with us. I need to talk to her. I love her and am totally fine with her spending a lot of time at our house. But not overnight. There are plenty of other people should could stay with. I know she'll respect our wishes, but I'm hoping she's not too sad about it. She's very sensitive and often thinks the rest of the family doesn't want to be around her. So it's balancing act of maintaining our space while making sure she knows she's welcome and wanted.
Haven't really thought about visitors. I'm sure immediate family will come to the hospital. Don't see friends coming...in fact our friends have seemed pretty disinterested with us since I got pregnant. Probably because we're the first to have kids, and we're having twins...probably blows their minds just a bit. I worry that my mom will be over bearing...she's already told me she can take two weeks off...I'm like uhhhhhhh well I don't think you need to take that much time...mostly I'll need help in the weeks after my husband goes back to work. My SIL lives 5 minutes away, but she's usually not overbearing. My in laws...well I'm not sure. See SIL was SO dependent on them when she had her kid...and I really don't have any intention of doing what she did. No one would dream of coming from out of town and staying with us. I guess we'll just see.
I also make it clear that people are welcome (and encouraged) to help themselves. It's easier if guests feel free to get themselves breakfast or whatever so we don't ALWAYS have to be together!
He doesn't want overnight guests once Ash gets here, either, but I was wondering to myself if I'm a strange person by not enjoying guests that stay too long. Thanks for reassuring me I'm not nuts!
When other people are here, DH can usually tell when I need a break and he'll distract folks so I can take a break. Or I will tell him I need a few. Tha happens even without overnight guests sometimes. Especially now that I'm pregnant.
So I've been pretty quiet lately because I've just been feeling really off. Like could probably find 10 happy things if I tried for the other thread, but couldn't bring myself to try because I've been feeling so toxic.
It started with my IL's coming for the weekend and showing up hours early. I just felt trapped. They stayed until Monday at lunch time, so more hours of just me entertaining them. All weekend I just felt anxious, cranky, and exhausted. I took naps and spent time in our bedroom trying to decompress but it wasn't really enough because they were still there.
On top of that my friend texts me while I'm at church on Sunday that she accidentally double booked my shower (on the 8th) with a wedding she agreed to photograph. "Such a blessing!" she texted me that she that she hadn't sent out the invitations yet. I was so frustrated that we were going to have to move the shower (this is the third time), my husband was going to have to switch around being on call again, and not to mention how crazed and helpless I felt that the invites weren't even sent out yet. I went and sat in the church lobby and cried. She kept texting me, "You're mad aren't you? I can feel you're mad." Which left me compelled to insist I wasn't mad even though I was feeling incredibly hurt because I didn't want her in turn get upset with me (I know, I know codependent and passive-aggressive behavior, I recognized it even as I was doing it). I missed the church sermon because I was too upset to concentrate on it. I just am exhausted with everyone in my life being so busy and feeling like an after thought. If my grandmother (the woman I actual consider a mother) weren't in a hospital bed in her living room I would have someone checking in on me, making this feel special, and I wouldn't be feeling so alone and like an inconvenience for everyone, etc. I talked to BFF later, and she told me that she talked to my great-aunt who is helping her, and that great aunt is wanting to put all of the food outside on the carport. Gross. No. More stress.
After my in-laws left on Monday, I've just had a stress/anxiety hangover. I've not been excited about anything. Not my baby showers, not looking forward to the future, stressing about anything and everything - getting the Rhogam shot, the glucose test, worrying they'll forget after Eaton's born to give me the shot again, worrying they'll grill me about my birth control choices after he's born, fretting they'll mix him up with someone else's baby if he gets taken to a nursery in the hospital. I've not wanted to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere, take care of anything. I've not even felt like talking on here, which I've done almost every day of this pregnancy because I love you guys.
I was talking to DH and begging please that no one else come to stay with us until after the baby's born, and in the midst of that his sister texts that she wants to come see us before baby comes. That sends me on a spiral of frustration/guilt because I don't want to be like "no you can't." And yet, I feel like if someone else comes and stays Ima a need a hotel to be alone. In the process of that conversation I mentioned to DH that his dad and stepMIL didn't need to stay when Eaton's born, that if they wanted to come and help could they come after he goes to back to work when I actually will need help. That was a huge communication ordeal where he was wanting me to understand that they should stay and help take care of the dogs while we're in the hospital and me trying to explain we don't need folks here when he's (DH) here. We got around to an understanding but it left me feeling anxious and petty and worried that they'd just end up staying the whole week he's off regardless.
I have had two meltdowns so far today. Earlier my husband spent most of the afternoon trying to comfort me because all of the above was making me feel really toxic and listless. I was just crying for no particular provocation other than just thinking about all of the above and feeling stressed and worrying out of my mind about shots and tests and driving 6 hours round trip and back to Georgia twice. Then again at the doctor's office.
The doctor's office: So I get there today and the receptionist tells me that my doctor had to go to the hospital an hour ago for L&D and there was seven people in front of me, did I want to stay or leave. My first thought was, why the heck didn't you just call me and see if I wanted to reschedule? I did ask that, but she didn't even bother to acknowledge me. I decide to stay because my husband likes to come with me to the doctor and he had left work early to take me. I didn't have to wait too long. When the nurse took me back she starts chattering at me about flu shots and trying to get my husband to sit in a waiting room. Anxiety queen me did NOT want to be separated from DH, so after seeing me start to panic she lets him come with me (which he always does, I don't know what her deal was). She keeps chattering at me about the flu shot and interrupting me and rushing me to weigh and pee in a cup. Then she's still chattering at me about shots and making another appointment for next week while taking my blood pressure. I know you're surprised it was 140/90 when she took it then. And so I burst into tears.
I manage to choke out that I'm having a hard day. She immediately calms down when she realizes she's stressing me way out. Soothingly gives me a flu shot and tells me that we'll check it again before I leave, which she does and it's back to my usual 120/80. I talked to my doctor about what's been going on. I simply said, I'm going to tell you everything and you tell me if I'm just pregnant or if I'm off roading it. She determines, sweetly and gently that I'm definitely off roading and has written me a prescription for some anxiety medication that she promises won't bother Eaton at all. She also agreed we should check my thyroid when I told her about it, which made me feel better, since some of y'all might remember I had a frustrating conversation with the receptionist and a nurse over the phone when I tried to impress that I wanted it to be checked because it had allegedly been found irregular in the past. Nice lady. I quite liked her.
This evening my dad called and I just unloaded everything on him like an emotional dump truck (kind of like what I'm doing right now). He was so supportive and helpful. Informed me that my sister's homecoming dance is the same day as my new shower date (of course it is), which stressed me out further. However, at the end of the conversation he said, "I think we both agree that your shower should be a happy time for you and that it shouldn't be an afterthought or thrown together." He balked with me about putting food on the carport when there is plenty of room inside. He had me give him BFF's number so he could talk to her about the shower and see if he couldn't help to get things running more sensibly. When he said that I just felt so...I don't know, I just needed someone to papa or mama bear for me. I've been feeling like nobody cares that I'm pregnant, that I'm driving a lot to get there for these showers, that I'm stressed, that no one is calling to check on me and just calling to stress me out. I thanked him for wanting to "dad" for me. It was probably the most relieving thing that has happened since my stress spiral - just him hearing me and taking over something that was becoming a nightmare to be there for me.
Needless to say, I've been having a rough time. My mom is still trying to contact me, I'm still valiantly ignoring her, trying not to give her energy boosts by reading her emails before I delete them or listening to the contents of her blocked voicemails before I delete them. Still kind of freaked she's going to show up at my house, but trying not to think about it.
The fact that I have popped in to talk about it (at length) is a good sign. I've been silently stewing for days. I'm going to go get my prescription tomorrow and hopefully will start to feel better soon. If you've made it to the end of this very lengthy post, I love you too, friend.
You are not alone, and several of us are dealing with anxiety. Any time you want to talk you can PM me.
Your baby loves you, baby cares about how you are doing, as does your DH.
ETA rest of post: I am glad that your dad went to bat for you. Daddies can be awesome like that. I am also glad that you recognized that you needed help, and that you were able to get it.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
We're all here to listen and offer support whenever you need it!
For what its worth - I would have been super pissed if my friend needed to reschedule a shower 3 times. Stress and anger are totally justified for that!
Everything will be ok. I know it feels all so overwhelming and scary and anxious but you got this. Your DH is going to have to be your body guard and shut down the unnecessary stress that is heading your way. My DH has told everyone that to get to me, they will need to communicate with him first. That has helped my anxiety a great deal---maybe it could help you too? I'm sure the meds will help a lot as well!
Dont worry about your mom, or the details of the shower, or anything that you absolutely don't have to--just rest, and know that is enough. We are always here to talk, and of course you can shoot me a PM any time!
@karmba it has been piling up, it's also been my bad for letting it. It worked out well that things kind of bubbled over today at the doctor's office. I considered calling to reschedule this morning because I was feeling so off, but I'm glad I went and talked to my doctor instead. My bff is a great friend, but she's terrible about taking too much on and never saying no. Unfortunately, I currently feel like the thing she should have decided to say no and let someone else do. I'm so thankful about my dad listening and stepping up to want to do something. Shower giving isn't necessarily a man-sport, but he's always been my one functioning parent. Needing a dad-intervention happens less when you're 30 than it does at say, 15, but it felt really good for him to want to get involved because he cared. It felt like finding water after weeks in the desert.
@dmontgo I have been feeling super lonely, all the while self-isolating while I process all these bad feelings. DH is an amazing supportive husband, I think sometimes he just doesn't know what to do, especially when I'm not firing at all cylinders. I think/hope he will eventually advocate and be a barrier, I also know he really misses and enjoys being with his family. We don't have any issues with them, so I know it's tough for him to want to turn them away or tell them they can't be here for any reason. Thanks for always being so supportive, you've almost gotten a PM or two over the past few days, I just couldn't find the words until now, when I'm feeling a little better.
@ashleaf2018 my dad really surprised me by wanting to take charge. It was such a relief just feeling like someone cared enough to go, "yeah this is terrible and shouldn't be," and want to do something about it. I've just been dying to take over myself and do the whole thing just because it seemed like such an ordeal for everyone else (to be clear the shower is not so much about gifts for me as it is about getting to do that with my grandmother, and her be there since there's no way for her to be there when he's born or come see him all fresh and new). On Sunday I was on the verge of saying, "forget it completely."
Your DH doesn't have to turn people away, but there needs to be a system where you're both comfortable. If that means people getting hotel rooms, then so be it. They can visit without being in yo bizness the entire time, and it could lessen the anxiety for you while he still gets the quality time he craves. Also, if the dogs need to be tended to, perhaps leaving a key is good middle ground.
A lot of us on the this thread have mentioned we don't particularly like overnight guests, either.. so you're in good company!
Is your friend my old maid of honor? Sounds exactly the same with overbooking and pushing things around. She neglected to send out invites for our bridal shower, after we hand made them all. They just were never sent.
My husband is a very quiet man, but he has noticed that he needs to be more vocal to help me out. I am usually the gavel and decision maker in the relationship and he is taking on a lot more of the social aspects. He really does not care for company or social situations, so it's easier for him to stand up and say no than it is for me. He is also taking on a lot more mediator roles between us and our parents because I over stress and analyze everything.
We have offended my SIL. Not very hard to do. I've mentioned before she is a borderline hoarder and she has basically turned my ILs house into a disaster area of piles of crap, food, and garbage. Well every year since I've known DH we've done a Halloween party. It's kind of her thing because she's such a huge Halloween person. Last year she held it at the ILs house and not ours which was a first. The house was gross and several people were embarrassed to be there. This year she wants to have it at the house again and not our place. DH and I told her the house was a disaster and asked will it be ready. She got all defensive that it was other people's crap she wasn't allowed to touch and now she can so she's getting rid of it. I'm sorry, the piles of garbage last year weren't yours? Also the party will be October 30, which puts me at the 34 week mark. And it's a 45 minute drive to where she is. I don't know if I want to travel 45 minutes away that far along, especially since I'd be driving (DH doesn't do well night driving). So now she is all mad at us we called her out on having a messy house and is being bitchy. DH and I agreed were going to tell her after my appointment in 2 weeks I have been put on travel restrictions and can't make the drive down there. She'll probably say just have 2 parties and the people who were embarrassed to be there can come to ours and the others can go to hers. Whatever, I can't stand being in that house and DH is embarrassed to have his friends in the house he grew up in because it's a disaster.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
I think at this point parents will get a phone call when we get to the hospital as well as my grandpa and both of our brothers. I there than that everyone else can wait.
As far as visiting our home once he's here I have no clue yet.
As for when we get home, I am pretty sure I will be annoyed if anyone just drops by with no notice or short notice... based on everything I've read and heard from you all/friends who have had kids, I can't imagine myself being very accommodating or pleasant to "outsiders" our first few weeks at home.
Background: FI's family doesn't like me because we are not married and we are choosing not to get married before we have the baby. They are very demeaning and belittling to me to the point that last time I was there it was a shouting match over parenting choices that we are making for Rhett and they don't agree with them, nor do they respect my role as Rhett's mother or FI's partner. For this reason we have not told them about our scheduled C date because FI doesn't want the conflict of telling them they can't be there to see the baby the same day we have him, we are calling them the next day to tell them when they can visit. This was decided by both FI and I because they are his family and he cannot handle them and we both agree that I shouldn't have to.
So today, we visited with my extended family that we don't normally see only because my mom and dad came in from out of town. It was my dad's side of the family and most of them have drug/alcohol issues. He has reconciled with some of them that have gotten sober so we visit them occasionally. The whole house smelled of cigarette smoke, none of them have an "inside voice" so everyone was yelling over each other, and literally everyone was grabbing my belly without even asking first. I'm already prone to being nauseous and all this made it worse. I decided to just grin and bear it because we don't see them often so it's not like I'll have to go through it again. They asked when I was due and I was honest about the scheduled C and that no one would be allowed to come see him except our immediate family and that we would call everyone else when we were ready.
So then when we left FI was mad that I told my family but he "couldn't" tell his family. And I explained that if he could handle his family and stand up to them and be firm with them in our decisions, that I don't care what he tells them. That has always been what we agreed on. That he has to handle his family and if he won't then he doesn't need to tell them anything. I reminded him that I handled my family 100% on my own and stood my ground. I didn't expect him to deal with them for me. It's like he expects me to deal with my crazy family and his.
He backed off after I said all that, I think he's upset because he wants to communicate with his family but doesn't want to deal with the backlash that comes with it. These are the same people that don't want me in their house because we are choosing to baby wear, cloth diaper, and breastfeed, and above all because we aren't married. Those aren't things that they should feel the need to argue with us about because it's all ultimately our decision, they can have a good relationship with their grandson regardless of the parenting choices we make and they still, at this point, have chosen not to. My dad has made rude comments about the cloth diapering just because he didn't understand it, but I handled his concerns, I never made FI validate our choices to my family because since they're my family I took care of it. He won't do it with his family, and then gets mad at me because he can't tell them anything.
If you read all that, you deserve a cookie.
I would have called his family and informed them of the CS date, and that they couldn't come until called. Then said talk to FI about it. But I'm super petty when it comes to adults not understanding their own reasons.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
But it's the fact that he wants it to be done, he just doesn't want to be the one to do it and expects me to. And I was just like, sorry, no. You just saw the crazy circus I have to handle, I don't have time to deal with them and deal with your family too. The other side of that is that FI's sister "came out" last year and his family is very religious so I think they are in the middle of a parenting mid-life crisis because one of their kids is gay and the other one is unwed and having a baby. Which I totally don't have a problem with but for his parents it's a big deal and not okay. I understand them not approving but at the same time there are worse things in life, we could be alcoholics, drug dealers, prostitutes, etc. There are worse things in life than being gay or having a baby out of wedlock. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, sometimes you have to pick your battles. Because at the end of the day, they're still family and they still love each other. So it doesn't really make sense to hold a grudge over it IMO.
Sorry, not being helpful here but they just don't sound like my kind of people. I'm sorry you're stuck with them
ETA - I'm also sorry you've got such a challenging family too. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and lack of respect for personal boundaries... oof. WHILE suffering with HG?! Girl. Get thee to a spa.
FI really is wonderful, he is so supportive in every way except when it comes to his family. He turned out so good, I'm not really sure how with the way his parents are so uptight on everything. They can't ever just not care about something, they have to have a strong opinion on everything and feel like they have to share it. FI is so much more laid back and calm. I really hit the FI lottery and then his family, I have no clue what to do with them.
@ashleaf2018 I think maybe your In-laws are focusing on you/baby because it isn't 'set in stone' yet. So maybe they think that they can maybe change your mind, cause FI to rethink and change his mind. While a persons sexuality is less likely to be changed or influenced.
I'm not saying I agree, but being fairly religious and raised very religious, it can be difficult to have people go against your beliefs and be immediately accepting. Especially if you raised them 'right'. It takes an entire mind shift, and self evaluation of personal beliefs. Maybe they are struggling to grasp how their child could go so far from the way they were brought up, and while they are trying to come to terms with that, They are trying to control something, anything they can. Edit: jumbled not humbled.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
We also do many things that are considered 'crunchy', but the families just deal with it. I've managed to influence a few people into some of our crunchy ways. But the majority of our families think we are weird.
Another similarity, I told DH that we will have a 30 minute visiting window the day after we have DS. Anyone who can't make it, can wait a few days or weeks. Except my sister and mom, who I'm close with and they are great moms, so I can use their help changing diapers, burping, etc. while DH helps me in and out of bed etc (RCS).
Just stick to your guns, it sounds like you are doing a good job of it. You are doing what is best for your family, and if they don't get it, then that is their problem. Bam.