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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.20
dmontgo
member
No family vent is too big or too small!
Bonus: How are you handling visitors after the birth? What healthy boundaries are you trying to establish?
Bonus: How are you handling visitors after the birth? What healthy boundaries are you trying to establish?
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.20
My brother has been having some issues with a co-worker threatening his safety. It's become so bad that he has got the law involved, and is refusing to go to work. I tried to talk to him about what this means for me, and all he can say is he doesn't know right now. He doesn't even know at this point if he still has a job or not. Now, I understand the fact that he doesn't want to work where he doesn't feel safe and is feeling threatened, but me being the worry I am, am freaking out because I don't know how much longer I'll have a job. I know the whole thing on my part probably sounds petty, but DH and I can't afford to lose what I make. My brother is refusing to talk to me about the situation, and I haven't watched my nephew in almost a week. That automatically takes $150 out of my pay. Please brother, for my sanity and your family, figure out what you're going to do and take some action somewhere. The least you can do is open up to me, and give me a heads up if I need to start looking for another job.
Like I said, I know it probably sounds selfish of me, but I can't stand the uncertainty of the situation.
ETA: I forgot the bonus part. Our only "rule" right now is that nobody gets to meet Mikey before DD. Also, we will have visiting times set up for just DD to be there, without having to compete with everyone else wanting to see him.
We will make a trip in early March to visit DH's family since some of them are too old to make it to us. If some people want to meet Ash before then, they will have to get a hotel.
Since DH is off for an entire month, it really gives us a chance to bond as a family and start a routine. We just thought about having people stay in our house and us not being able to escape, and overnight visitors just seemed like more of a hassle than enjoyable considering the circumstances. DH is very firm about the rules and I'm glad because he'll be the bouncer keeping us safe from stress. Any naysayers will have to go through him...to which I say, GOOD LUCK!
IVF #1 Oct 2013- cancelled
IVF #2 Mar 2014- success.... baby girl born 11/28/14
FET #1 Mar 2016- baby boy due 12/16/16
Even more irritating is the people that never talked to you, never pursued a relationship with you---all of sudden they "care" because you're pregnant. But they don't care about you, they care about getting special privileges to see your baby. Fuck that noise.
She is also embarrassing in social situations. She had never met H's family because they live in DK, but they were here for the wedding. The second thing out of her mouth to my MIL was "maybe this will inspire your daughter to finally get married"! As if that's any of her business, she doesn't know the situation! She has also said to H several times how lucky his parents are to "finally" be getting a grandchild since their adult kids waited late in life. UGH! Sorry, rant over, just needed to vent because she stresses me out
I will not be having overnight guests until I'm good and ready. I have three kids in school who will already be bringing enough germs into the house, I don't need any more. And ditto on helpful guests only. I don't need anyone sit there and hold my sleeping baby while I cook and clean. Nor will I keep him from napping or eating when he needs to just so people can hold him or see him awake. My house, my baby, my rules.
When DH and I had a reception, she looked straight at my SIL and said, "I bet you're so jealous because you're always the bridesmaid and never the bride!" Hurtful and awkward.
Another time we had stayed at her house for Christmas, and she had invited her gay friend and his boyfriend. Very kind people! But then one morning in front of everyone she asked DH and I if we could hear her friend and his boyfriend "biffin' and boffin'" (having sex) during the night because our rooms connected. MORTIFIED. I couldn't believe she said something like that. Some people are just awful and embarrassing...:/
For visitors: MIL is planning to come out the day before my scheduled c section (which hasn't been scheduled yet). I'm kinda hoping it gets moved up a week or so before and she can't change her tickets. Anyways...if she's here the day of...I will probably allow her and my parents (live here) to see the baby while I'm getting sewn back together. I'm hoping to at least see the baby before she goes to the nursery (last time it wasn't possible, even DH wasnt allowed in the room). We still need to talk to the doctor about how a scheduled non emergent c section actually is. As soon as I'm back in my room, my family will be excused for at least 3 hours then we will see. I had visitors (all family) in my room last time pretty much all the time during visiting hours. It honestly didn't bother me but the baby was under jaundice lights all the time so it wasn't really a pass the baby.
Mil is staying with my parents. I'll only allow visitors that first week home during pretty normal hours. Thinking like 10am-6pm depending on the baby's schedule. My mom has mentioned a few times that she's going to try to keep mil busy and not bugging me. Stuff like taking dd1 out to play or helping with school drop offs. My mom knows that DH and I need time alone with the new baby...Mil just wants to hold the new baby all the time. She's not helpful with cooking or cleaning at all (she always hovers over me while I do it).
One thing to check: some hospitals will not allow children under a certain age to visit during flu season. That sometimes even includes siblings. So call your hospital and see what the policy is. If you are stuck on siblings meeting the baby first, then it may have to wait until you are home.
We actually wrote a letter to our immediate family members from our baby to address our boundaries. Everyone received it really well too. This is the first grandchild on both sides, so we are the first to set any boundaries. Since we live 2+ hours away from everyone, we don't want everyone rushing to the hospital when we go into labor to wait around. We are really serious about our space and privacy, so we have informed our families that since it will be December and unknown weather, we will be letting them know AFTER the baby has arrived. That will allow us time as the new family of three to bond and recoup before the mass of visitors arrive - and also allow for me to do the first feedings without a crowd. In addition to this, we have informed them that we will not be accepting overnight visitors for the first few weeks as we need to get not only ourselves, but our two dogs, adjusted to this new addition. Also, for the dog's sake (and our privacy), we will be requesting that all visits be planned so that we are in a good place to receive visitors. We've asked that for the health of the child, that they all get updated on their TDap shots if they are needed, and to be aware that if they're not feeling well, to keep it at home and not bring any sicknesses, no matter how small, around.
Bonus:
DH's parents will be here for Thanksgiving so I'm praying this baby stays cooking past then. If not, no big deal, but DH & I agreed they will not be at the hospital until after baby is born - probably the next day. I don't think I would mind them being around bc I know they will help and are receptive to our wishes.
If baby comes closer to due date, no visitors until we are home. And visits will be short and definitely not unannounced. DH's immediate family will be in town for Christmas but have already booked hotel rooms. I told them I'd be fine with a few of them rotating staying at our house, just not the entire crew the whole time.
Especially proud of the ladies (like myself) that have trouble saying no--we've made huge strides!
it's not quite family, but I can't stand it and absolutely lost it on FIL and his thingy. Backstory:
the thingy was imported from down south, Georgia - I think. Anyways she has been here for ~3 years. Taken over FIL's master bed/bathroom, has 5+ Yorkies who are notnhousetrained at all times, wastes food (cooks 3lbs of taco meat leaves it out until next afternoon), doesn't actually cook anything FIL will eat, hasn't had a job, made FIL buy her a new VW bug, she purposefully feeds the dogs chocolate and wine to 'get them to calm down', she keeps our Great Dane stud in the same room as her Yorkies who are in heat - she does understand the mental trauma she is inflicting on him . . Anyways she's just trashy. Argues about its wheat rice- no such thing a brown rice.
Anywho, H and I can't stand her, and FIL knows this. He brought her to L's 1st BDay party when we specifically said she wasn't invited.
When we visited FIL Sunday, we were updating him on what's going on with E and how it will most likely be a long NICU stay - depending on when she comes. Well the thingy is eavesdropping through the upstairs window, and rushes down to inform the 3 of us that 'I will take care of E in the NICU. She can just be my baby.' Umm Fuck NO! I lost it. I mean screaming profanities, let both her and FIL know if she so much as drops FIL off at the hospital I'll have her tossed by security, and FIL will never see either grandkids again. Explained how she is trash, and FIL has to choose between the sex or his grandkids. He chose her, stating 'it's just your hormones. You don't really mean it, and we can address this when you aren't so volatile.'
TLDR: FIL has a live in sex toy who is trash. When she said E would be her baby if NICU stay happened, I lost it on her and FIL. FIL chose her over grandkids and called me hormonal.
Bonus: It depends on if we have an extended NICU stay. If a short one, then everyone(excluding thingy) is invited to come for a day(however long NICU will let them) after I have been discharged. If an extended NICU stay, I'll probably draw up a calendar and see who can/will come on what days. If no NICU at all, then everyone can come the next day in the hospital during regular visiting hours. After that it will just be people from church who bring food/gifts, and I will have them hold E while I can cook/clean/shower/nap/or play with L and have adult conversations.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
I feel like my attitude is very nonchalant toward family visiting, maybe a little too nonchalant? My parents and brother are local, and I would imagine they'd come to the hospital whenever they want to. I'd kinda like the support from my parents anyway through it all, but I'm leaving it up to them how much time they want to spend waiting there.
As far as my in-laws, they're retired and live about 5 hours away, and I would guess they'd probably hop in the car whenever they hear I'm going into labor to be there. I don't think I'd have them in my hospital room at all though, not at least until the baby's born and I'm ready to have everyone meet him.
I have a feeling my in-laws would stay at our house for at least a few days (I would feel weird telling them to stay at a hotel), and plus, I have a feeling my MIL would help out with meals and walking our dogs and all that. I really don't mind them being at the house, they're fairly self-sufficient, so if I felt like being in my bedroom with the baby here and there and getting a little nap whenever possible, I know they'd not be bothered by that. In other words, they won't expect too much as far as entertaining goes.
@Lisa3379 Many of the people that write regularly on this thread have toxic family members, or family members that are not considerate of healthy boundaries---that's probably why some of our visitor rules seem a bit stringent. If you are great with your family and in-laws, I think that is awesome and I am so glad you have that support!
I was kinda starting to think, reading through the other plans, that maybe I SHOULD think about certain boundaries, haha! Being my first pregnancy, I have no idea what to expect (obviously). Having so many people around might drive me crazy - I guess we'll see what happens!
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@Kate08Young Oh hells no! I'm not sure I would have been able to keep it in that long! That is not ok in any way. Hopefully FIL starts thinking with the head on his shoulders soon.
I think my policy with ILs is pretty lenient, but it's mostly because if they happen to be here, they're 14 hours from home. However, I will say that once baby is here, we're not going to allow them to just visit whenever they feel like it... MIL keeps saying she came out of retirement to teach for "fun money" and so it can be used to come visit anytime. We're flexible with them but will be setting some boundaries, as we eventually want to live close to them when DH is out of the military....and they are really overbearing with SIL and her family due to close proximity. Don't want to allow a good relationship turn bad by not setting boundaries early!
How do other HSPs and introverts handle overnight guests? What do you do to recharge and get that alone time? How do you handle visitors all day, then still have your overnight guests? Seems exhausting to me.
Edited because I forgot to include the question I wanted to ask. >.>
@dmontgo I actually have the same feelings. We luckily have not had enough space for overnight guests, except my sister twice and that was only because of a blizzard. I am introverted and have my morning routines and it just makes me uncomfortable to have someone there during that. Even my sister who I shared a bedroom with for 15 years! I wish I could be helpful, but I can at least empathize with the feelings. We have had some out of state guests and simply did not have anywhere for them to stay, so they stayed with other family or at a hotel, luckily we both have family in the area for that.
Our visit plans are that no one is coming to the hospital for at least 6 hours after delivery. But basically when we feel up to it. I don't want anyone there to see my baby if there is an emergency C-section or the baby has to be rushed off to the NICU or something because they are in the waiting room. No one gets to see this baby before me, except DH. When I am feeling up to it, DH will call family and they can come visit. I thought this request was going to cause a lot of drama but everyone was very understanding, they actually are still having a harder time with us keeping the gender a secret than not being there to see the baby as soon as it comes out.
Then at home we have decided we will play that by ear. Since I have no idea how I will feel. And we will handle it day by day. No overnight guests at all, except possibly my mom or sister to help me out when DH goes back to work, he works nights. People will have to plan ahead, be willing to leave when I am ready, work around baby's schedule, and not come over if they have any cold or flu symptoms. I will not be cooking or cleaning so they will just have to accept that. And they will definitely have to announce their visits because if anyone knocks on the door, the dog is beyond loud, and if they wake up my sleeping baby... they will not have a happy mama
But I think a lot of this is just expected in our family and friends (hopefully) so they won't try to push the limits!
For me it works best when we have a few things were coordinating on and then don't coordinate the rest of the time together. Including meals. It's sometimes awkward for me to approach this. Sometimes it's easy. Lately I've had some classes and appointments that I have to dip out for which also gives me recharge time
MIL stays in a hotel, but spends every waking moment at my house when she visits. So I make a list/plan/calendar of all the local attractions going on for the duration. Then I send it to her before she comes, so she has an idea of what is going on. Then I use 'L needs a nap'/I have to grade papers/XYZ is coming to do ABC and I can't have you here for that. So she typically leaves for 2-3 hrs and I can get my alone time.
Another thing I do is 'L can't get into a deep sleep, so I'm going to drive him around until he's out + 20-30 minutes.' Then I load up a basic diaper bag, L, and a book/knitting for myself and away we go. I have several spots that I drive to, L konks out on the way, then I sit and relax, when I am ready we head home.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Don't get me wrong, I love company and hanging out with people, as long as there is an end in site, and I can retreat back to be own calm private space.
We are currently in the process of getting the guest room painted and redone and ready for guests, but at the same time... do I really want guests? haha
So far I've only had one house guest that I could spend all day with her and not be itching to run away, and that's my very best friend in the world. Everyone else, while I may really like them, by the end of the day I'm like please...leave me alone haha. I like the idea of having some scheduled activities and then some down time because that's what I do everyday. Never considered just getting in the car and driving away! So smart.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Now, when family comes to town, ILs tend to get up super early and want to GO GO GO. I told DH I can't, I need my alone time to wake up. So I stay in our bedroom, shower, get myself together, however long that takes me until I'm ready to face people. I do not rush, they can get their own breakfast. DH sometimes will bring me coffee when he hears me in there moving around.
I also walk my dogs when I need a break from interaction. (One time when my mother visited, she was like "I'll walk with you!"....UGH!!!) But I think my ILs get the hint sometimes that I need a breather. At first they would ask what took me so long to get ready. I had DH explain to them I'm a horrid bitch in the morning. lol
Other ways: tell DH I need a break, he will find something to get guests involved in. When family was here for Thanksgiving, I had 5 guests for 4 days. He took them one night to see the Christmas lights downtown, which I said I had already seen.
I also try to talk everyone into watching a movie or show together sometimes, just to get a break from interaction. Not quite an escape, but everyone shuts up.