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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.13
dmontgo
member
What happens on this thread, stays on this thread. 
Bonus: Are there some things or people that are holding you back from peace mentally, emotionally, or physically? What is your game plan for dealing with those things?
Bonus: Are there some things or people that are holding you back from peace mentally, emotionally, or physically? What is your game plan for dealing with those things?
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.13
For instance, the friend throwing my baby shower at the end of October was freaking out about my BP. She was saying we should have it earlier in October in case something happens, and she was very anxious. Her anxiety in turn made ME anxious and freak out. We tossed around earlier dates--and when I asked DH about it, he told me to take a breath and relax--we will be just fine. There was a specific reason we chose the end of October (coincided with a lot of other things), and it will all be ok.
After calming down, I realized DH is right. We may not know exactly what will happen yet...but we shouldn't plan our lives around "What ifs." So my game plan in the future is when someone starts freaking out (about anything) is to take a step back, ask them to give me some time to think and discuss, and get back to them later instead of reacting immediately. Or, depending on who it is, ask them not to bother me with stressful things.
It will take work, but last night really reminded me I need to work on it a lot harder than I have been.
I've been trying really hard to stop trying to control things. I put my mom in contact with my friends to arrange the rest of the shower b/c I can't deal with my mom anymore. I put my DH in charge of my in laws b/c I can't deal with them either. I refuse to cave to needs/demands from other people at work if they can't give me enough notice/warning that things need to get done. It's just not my problem. In terms of your baby shower, the timing will either work or it won't. If the baby is here already, people will have to figure something else out. It will be ok.
I don't know what is going on with her, but she is obsessed with my son already, and I haven't even met him. Every week she sends me the same texts about wanting bump updates even though I update my Instagram for HDBD with updates, or will ask how Ashton is specifically with no mention of me a few times a week. She acts like I am keeping valuable information from her, and then when it's something serious like last week and my BP, she acts like it's no big deal as long as *Ashton* is ok. Today she sent me and DH a group message about wanting updates. Her birthday is coming up, and I asked what she would like, and her answer was
"I want you to tell Ash that I am the best aunt in the entire world, and that he is my favorite nephew!!"
Lately she's started sending more gifts too. All of this with her idea that she "has to meet him before *anyone* else" because she wants alone time with him has my Mama Bear senses on alert. I am happy she is excited, I am happy she wants to have a relationship with him--I would never stop that, but I just feel very weird about her enthusiasm. No one else has been this excited. Even DH is at a loss as to why she is so wild about our baby. She has told me before that she has baby fever and is "so curious" about pregnancy, but it is getting overwhelming for me.
Bleh.
Doesnt sound like boundaries are going to be easily set, but you're going to need them by the sound of things.
I'm letting DH deal with the majority of communication with her because I just can't even right now.
Like @dmontgo, I also get stressed at other peoples stress. When someone is in a good or bad mood, that also transfers to me.
I think that a baby shower being thrown for us shouldn't be stressful in the least, but seems to be common. In my situation, DH's aunts typically throw the shower (whether it be bridal or baby) I guess. Well, I'm super close with my sister, who wants to throw my baby shower and she also threw the bridal shower I had. DH and I are from the same town and our families know each other, so I refuse to have two showers because it seems completely exhausting and unnecessary. Forward to recent - I said great to my sister throwing it and people in DH's family keep coming to me to ask what they can do. I just keep offering my sister's number if they'd like to chat with her, as I am obviously not planning it. I asked my sister to reach out to his family and have them help so everyone can be a part that wants to. I got a little attitude about it from her.. it's like.. c'mon! It's a good problem to have so many people that want to be involved/help, but don't put your stress on me.
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
I even asked my friend if this is too much for her to deal with right now (she is active duty in the military), and I've asked her that more than once since she gets anxious even faster than I do--she keeps saying no, it's fine--but we still haven't sent out invites yet either. My shower is October 22nd so we have a *little* bit of time, but she wants to make the invites herself and I'm like...why didn't we just get them from Etsy last month like I suggested?
Our guy friend is in charge of decorating, making the bonfire, and grilling out--so all she has to take care of is the invites and the cake. We are meeting tomorrow to see what's up, but it's annoying. I'm grateful she is even trying to throw me a shower, as my mom won't, but jaysus.
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
@temmetime This. +1
I am struggling with the same thing! My sister is throwing my shower. DH has very little extended family, and most is out of state, so I told MIL she could invite her friends that are like family to her also. She has done nothing but complain about the shower (date, she wants it after baby is here because she doesn't know the gender, my church is throwing one the week before and they want details so they don't double up, etc.) All I asked from her was to get a guest list to my sister, 2 months ago, still hasn't happened. She asks why my aunt isn't throwing it and tries to pawn it off on everyone else?
Two weeks ago, MIL tells me that she wants to help in anyway. Followed by 3 phone calls each week asking if my mom/sister came up with a to do list for her, what she can do to help, etc. Our parents go to the same church and they see each other every week. I think I'm not supposed to be running the shower because it is a gift to me, so I do not know many of the details and I can't tell her the answers to the questions. She has my mom's phone number, my sister's, both of their email addresses, and she sees them every week. WHY does she keep asking me?! I can only tell my sister to call her so many times!
-----
I take on stress from others' stress as well. My little sister (18) is a freshman in college and struggling already. She has a strained living situation (w/my grandparents who aren't much better than narc mom) and recently announced that she has a gf (my grandparents are not making this easy and have made several infuriating comments about "how homosexuals are" as if they can coerce her into being hetero). Some days I have my own anxiety issues and I swear sometimes her texts are on the verge of sending me into a major panic.
I love her and I want to help her but there are some days I have to send her very short responses and ignore some of the whining because...let's face it, my doctor isn't gonna give me xanax lol.
So yeah, that's how I'm trying to take the reins. Directly asking her to not vent so much to me is a strain on our relationship and upsets her. But minimal responses seem to be enough for her most days, and keep me from going completely insane.
I hope my innie baby is a mommy's girl cuz I'm not sure what I'd do with another complete daddy's girl. Cry. Lots of crying.
@sourlemon That would really hurt my feelings too.
I'm not a mom yet, so feel free to roll eyes or ignore me. But have you considered having a family pow-pow where you establish a standard that as a family you're a team? It's all for one and one for all? We don't leave our family members behind because we're team xyz! Or something of that nature. Make it like a fun club or an inside exclusive thing between all of you?
But she's only 27 months old...while these preferences are clearly in place already, having a powwow would be over her head. She understands she hurts my feelings and makes me cry...she says sorry, but then still prefers to do it all with daddy. So the empathy isn't really sticking yet. Right now, DH and DD are in her room playing....I tried to go sit in there and she said "go mommy!" Then slammed the door on me.
TL;DR: I know she loves me but she prefers daddy. She's too young for a powwow and even though we have tried to explain it to her, she doesn't understand hurt feelings yet.
Anyways, from what I've heard, parent preferences are super common and can swap around. I hope she lets up for you though! DS just started showing separation anxiety last week and in a little way it melted my heart (he does love us!). If/when it goes the other way and he just wants dada, I know it'll hurt some even though, as you say, we know they love us and not to take it personally.
Anyway, it's normal. Try not to take it personally. She was MY girl from when I came into the picture (she was about 4 months) until about 6 months ago (she'll be 2 on Thursday). It could flip at any time and your DH will have all the feels about it. I, too, and hoping that Bodhi will be a mamas boy. But I do like that DSD wakes up and cries for her dad in the middle of the night and not me
@penelope4612 I have been working on not letting stress get to me and not being so controlling as well but its hard! Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the family who gets things done, and it doesn't help that when something falls to DH he wants no communication about it, no questions, no input, etc. He is like, "WHY CANT YOU JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT?!?!" Because you don't, this is why I try to get involved, because then I know what the outcome will be and its my fault if its messed up.
Last night DH and I got into a huge fight because he was supposed to go to our old house and do some cleaning in the yard-we had a hobby farm there so he just has to take the fence posts down and some of the structures and light them on fire. He took yesterday off specifically because the dump is open and he could take trash.
He went to his grandparents instead to fix their internet, bought some high octane beer only available on Tuesdays in their town, and did NOT go to the old house to tear down structures-he came home and "worked" but had 5 of those beers before I got home! So he skipped out on that work to get drunk and was drunk when I got home (the beer is 9% alcohol and 16 oz). I tried not to say anything but was visibly annoyed and we got in a huge fight while DS was eating dinner and he stormed downstairs, hitting our swinging door so hard he broke the entire thing. He had two more beers and refused to eat my dinner because I am being a bitch.
We have had discussions about his drinking before and up until the last week or so he's had it under control-either no beer at all in the house or just like, 1 or 2 on the weekends. Since Sunday he has had multiple beers a day all three days. And whats even more infuriating is that he takes time off to tear down the structures at the old house all the time-and always bails! So we were supposed to have it done 11 days ago and have nothing. I can't do it because I am preggers and its too much for me.
SOrry for the book I'm just so annoyed. If he doesn't apologize before I come home tonight for his behavior I don't know how I am going to come home and hang out with him. I have seriously considered getting enough stuff to stay out for the night and DS's PNP and not coming home until he does.
Its incredibly hard and he drank a lotttt - it's not til he's sober and then has recovered that you'll get anywhere. Setting boundaries like - when/if you do this I won't have myself or kids around you... And other long term boundaries is completely appropriate. Al anon is a super helpful group if you feel you need more in person support.
But yea, my heart hurts for you. With addiction there's so little you can really do. It is on them. I hope he gets his act together. Also know that you trying to hold things together in the gaps he's leaving is not the same as being controlling.
I agree with @slartybartfast --we can't make them change or get help, but we can set boundaries. My younger brother deals with alcoholism, and I had to reach a point where I won't be around him if I'm by myself. We also don't talk about his problems unless he decides to try and get help.
It's very unfair that he is not taking responsibility for his own commitments--as mentioned before, you aren't being controlling when it comes to trying to hold everything together when he's failing to follow through.
What is he like when he's not drinking? Is this a recent behavior, drinking everyday? Any stressors? I don't really have much advice other than I am sorry you are going through this, and we are always here to listen!
I'm not even sure where to start... That's really rough. My DH is super amazing, but we get into fights whenever he drinks too much. Especially if it starts wearing off. We finally had a talk about it this last winter, And he has really stepped up, he is better at keeping his drinking light (it's gotten consistantly lighter over the years) and keeping a positive attitude if he has a beer or two.
It's not even like he drank that often, and it was always social. But then we'd get home and he would just get all grumpy about 'problems' that weren't even problems. So we had a heart to heart about it later, sober. He's been pretty perfect since then.
Definitely talk to your man when he's calm and sober. Let him know your feelings. It's a big deal.
Good luck, thinking about you!
My mom is great, but her listening skills are terrible. She is also starting to make decisions that don't really make sense. You know that mom on the geico commercial? That's my mom 100%.
My mom has 2 indoor cats that she doesn't take very good care of. And she doesn't clean enough to have 2 indoor cats. She has a beatiful home, but it can smell catty. And theres cat fur everywhere. She just can't keep up with cleaning.
DH is really allergic to cats and struggles with his allergies and asthma, and breathing, when we go to my moms. So do 2 of my nephews. But my mom thinks they can just take an allergy pill and they'll be fine, even with the pill they start wheezing over there.
So she's been feeding some outdoor neighborhood cats, even though she has her own indoor ones. There was one cat without a collar, so my mom gets a trap, traps it, takes it to PAWs, and says if it's owners don't claim it, she's going to keep it and turn it into an indoor cat. Because one of her two cats is getting old, but that cat has at least 5 years left in it! WTF? You can't turn an outdoor cat into an indoor one, right? Plus, training it, it's going to pee all over. Then, it could be someone's pet that she's stealing! I told her these things and she totally brushed me off with "I'm going to do what I want with my own pets". But she expects my DH to come over and help with her house, I said he's not going to come over if she gets another cat, he already struggles breathing at her place.
The last time this was a problem, we made a no alcohol in the house rule for 30 days, which he stuck to, then we ended up having people over so we bought beer for them and it stayed-he was pretty good at one or two or nothing at all for a bit but had escalated only in recent days. The reason I had told him that he has to regulate is that he can have 1 or 2 and be a normal person....anything over that and he will continue to drink and not listen when you say things like, "eat something and you will feel like shit." or "Stop you've had 4 beers thats too much."
He doesn't think that he should have to be told what to do, but he does! When it comes to getting things done, he is a task avoider for things that he would rather not be doing, so blowign off the house wasn't so much a thing he did because he'd rather drink, he found another excuse to not do it, and he drank while doing that (it was work, to be fair). The whole me being controlling and anxious fight happens because I always have a timeline, sometimes arbitrary, sometimes not, where things need to happen, and he does not like reminders of that timeline, he says its "nagging." I think its helping him plan out how to get it done and remember it needs to be done, and this is the part he finds "controlling."
I think I am hyper sensitive because my mom was an alcoholic, my dad is and my brother is as well as a heroin addict (he also has hep c and mental health issues that means he shouldn't be drinking). My DH recognizes them as having issues and thinks since he drinks less than them he is ok...but that's not really hard they drink like a 12 pack a day. I just really don't want to deal with yet another addict in the fam, it would be nice if he just backed off without a fight. PLUS I like to drink a beer occasionally not preggo and if he doesn't get it under control, that won't really be happening.
@smashjam - I'm really glad he showed some remorse and hope he keeps moving forward - it sounds like you guys have made a lot of progress over time. Your family life has some similarities with mine. First the alcoholic parents, the addict brother. While I know anyone can become an addict - it is a slippery slope, some people's body chemistry makes it almost impossible not to be one, once introduced. DH does NOT have that chemistry and that was super important in my settling down with him. Unfortunately I'm finding/admitting I do to some extent and we agree on "rules" for alcohol in our life the same way you described. I have never fallen down the slope to having a problem but it does feel very slippery to me. Right now our hard and fast rule is no driving after more than 2 drinks period. And there needs to be at least an hour after 2nd drink to drive. Actually your post on here made me wonder, 16oz at 9% - how many "drinks" is that? because we tend to enjoy the higher strength microbrews when we're out. It's 2.5 drinks per. I shared this site with DH and said we need to start using this in our estimations (me once not pregnant of course).
https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/Tools/Calculators/Drink-Size-Calculator.aspx
A new rule I've asked that we adopt is that we don't store alcohol in the house. I worry about myself. My only childhood example of dealing with family stress from my parents included terrible drinking and fighting. I hold myself to a much higher standard and have developed other ways of dealing with things but the subconscious is powerful. DH doesn't really understand why we need to have this rule and seemed a little annoyed at first as he hasn't seen warning signs in my but I've felt them. And I feel strongly, where substance use is concerned, if there is a concern by one person in the family, it needs to be heard and respected. After spending a childhood fighting against abuse, never will I have a family member feel their needs or concerns or well being are less important that a substance. Including mine.
My FIL and his wife are coming to spend the weekend with us and I'm just...not looking forward to it. Mostly because I'm a pregnant grump who doesn't want anyone over right now. I like to spend my weekends doing what I want and enjoying all of DH's undivided attention. I don't want to share or accommodate others right now.
Next, they're coming today and will likely be here before DH gets home. Pregnant grump Austenista doesn't want to entertain them without him because it's awkward and I'm awkward and I don't wanna. I wish they would have timed their arrival to get here simultaneously with DH this evening. #selfish
Lastly, I'm grumpy about getting the house ready for company (which wasn't that big of a deal), having to make them dinner tonight (I just don't wanna), and having to be sociable (grump grump grump).
I really don't mind having get-togethers and parties and such...as long as everyone leaves afterwards and gives me peace haha. There are very few friends that I have that I feel like I could have them over for the weekend and it wouldn't stress me or make me uncomfortable. I really like my FIL and Step-MIL...they are amazing people...but I don't feel like my house is big enough to escape for alone time. It's just very vital to me every single day to have some time to myself.
Pregnancy makes me just want to be alone or with DH, mostly. I still see friends, but I get tired more easily with their energies.
Pregnancy makes me just want to be alone or with DH, mostly. I still see friends, but I get tired more easily with their energies.
I mean this is exactly it. Exactly.
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
I'm right there with you. My sister, her boyfriend, and her 3 boys are coming to my place this weekend. I'm tired of getting ready, and even though she is my best friend, I don't want to put on my social face for her bf. They could stay at my moms, but they like my place better because my moms place smells catty. And her son gets asthma attacks at my moms. So I understand, DH is the same, but our guest bedroom toilet isn't working, and I don't want to do all this cleaning. And cooking.
Then we have my grandpa's funeral service on Sunday, and I love him so much. But I'm going to have to stand and be social and will cry a lot and it's going to be really hard.
These are things that are normally no biggie, but I just want to shut myself away and read or clean. I'm feeling the grump. And the Grouch.
It's not that I don't like them, they're actually pretty great, I swear.