@brittnic86 I'm sorry you dad is being like that, but you did a big thing by sending that letter and letting him know instead of allowing him to act like all is fine. I don't have the patience to send a letter to my mother, but she plays the victim even without me giving her a reason. *shrug* Some people will never take responsibility.
@phoenix870509 That whole situation sounds so unnecessarily annoying. I'm just glad you & DH are on the same page and SIL is in agreement. It's at least good that she understands and is willing to defend your choice! I agree, naming a godparent can be more of an inclusion to the existing family. I know in DH's family it is more common to name aunts/uncles as godparents, but I would not hesitate to go outside the family with a friend who shares my values.
@dmontgo Sorry SIL is acting up now. I feel like you just can't catch a break! *breathe* I don't know why people stake claims on others' kids. Like....you're the one who carried Ashton, not her, so she doesn't get to decide that she should be "first" to see him. Ugh. I'm angry for you. *hugs*
@brittnic86 way to go sending that letter! Sucks your dad can't let a grudge go. That's how my grandmother was. You're the bigger person here and, if that's how he's going to act, he's not the kind of person you want your little girls to be around. My grandma poisoned me against my father for years and it took time to build our relationship back to where we are today, and it's an ongoing process.
@aevan011 my first choice for godparent was one of his sisters (not the sister his mom wants us to use). DH wanted our friend. Once he talked to all of his sisters they were fine with our choice (as his baby sister said, it's your kid, why do you need my blessing?) we asked our friend. And I don't know why MIL is being a hypocrite. She is one of 13 and has numerous sisters she could have named DH's godmother. And who did she pick? Her best friend.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
My family is being crazy over child care. DH works 3rd shift and I work 1st so we will be able to take care of the baby for the most part, and just rarely see each other during the week. So we decided to ask SIL to do part time daycare so DH can sleep some during the day. DH has 3 sisters, I have one. My sister ruined a girls night with me, her and my mom because she was mad that we chose SIL. She thinks SIL will be the favorite and most familiar aunt. My sister is 24, done with college and needs a full time job with benefits, she does not need to be babysitting 20 hours a week in the middle of the work day. SIL is 19, not in school, not working, but has tons of experience with babies and children.
MIL also gets upset because she had figured out that she could do two days a week for us. For so many reasons this is not ideal. SIL will follow our routines and rules, MIL will be grandma and make "exceptions" for gma time. MIL will say she does not want to be paid, but then complain to her family about doing everything for us and not getting anything for it. Having SIL every day is consistent and routine, different baby sitters every day is not as consistent and harder to track. MIL can come with SIL anytime she wants to see the baby. I do not want MIL to raise my child, I don't agree with all of her parenting advice or way she raised DH. SIL will do what we ask because we are paying her to do what we ask. Also, I want MIL for weekends or getaways, not to be burned out with baby care, and I don't want grandparents to be disciplinarians or responsible, I just want them to be fun grandparents. Also, if I am missing out on special experiences because I have to work I just really don't want MIL to be able to brag to everyone that she got to be there for it. She also wants to "help us" because of the cost of child care. We are grown, we planned when we would have a child and how we would afford it, and we can afford it. I also selfishly don't want her to get more time and relationship with my child than my own mother.
I am very grateful that we have so much family that wants to love this baby, and lives near enough to do so, but honestly, I'm tired of people being offended that we didn't choose them. Our first choice was hiring an unrelated nanny or daycare (which of course MIL thinks she is allowed to refuse that we send our child to daycare... not up to you). If I had my way, we wouldn't even need child care because I would be home with the baby and no one would have anything to fight over anyway. Be happy we want you to be part of the baby's life!
If I ever bring up anything about my job, my parents' eyes glaze over and change the subject. No interest. No curiosity. All they want to talk about is how annoying the neighbors are and how that one person was rude to them or provided them bad service.
Minor and I know they have tiny comfort zones that will only get tinier as they get older. Unfortunate almost everything about me is outside their comfort zone (damn I wish I'd married a black lesbian sometimes). Just gotta know it is what it is - oh well.
@phoenix870509 omg that is infuriating! She chose her best friend! That just makes it more aggravating!!
It's also one of the points DH and his sister will bring up if they need to with her. And if she insists on having a Catholic godparent, well our friend is Catholic! (not that she's a practicing Catholic, she holds many of the same beliefs we do and is raising her son the way we want to raise Squish, to make their own decisions and follow their own path religiously with the parents and godparents as guides)
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@slartybartfast I totally get where you're coming from. My mom constantly talks to both DH and I about her work problems or a lot about my brother. We don't speak or interact with my brother, she knows it, and it's been that way for years so we really don't care to talk about him. I bring up work or other aspects of my life she doesn't see and it's change the subject. Interestingly enough I work in the same field she teaches at a graduate level, you'd think she'd have some interest. Unfortunately I'm used to her being all consumed with my brother and not my life. Sometimes it's good, but in those situations it's blatantly obvious and it would be nice if she tried to match her interest or enthusiasm that she apparently has for talking about herself or my brother. My dad however, he listens and cares, even asks me specifically about work, etc.
Me: 26 & DH: 25
Married: August 2014 TTC since November 2015 BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16 BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
It seems like our families are in rare form this week, huh?!
@BenNSarah I don't know why family takes decisions that have nothing to do with them so personally. It's as if they think we are making decisions to hurt them--no, I'm just doing what is best for my family! I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Sounds incredibly frustrating.
@slartybartfast Since I've detached myself and grown on my own, my views, interests, and essentially everything has become the polar opposite of my parents. When I was younger, I don't think it occurred to me that I could have different views than them. For me, it's freeing, but for them they think I'm trying to rebel. I'm almost 27 and paying my own bills! Just keep your course and know it's ok to be doing your own thing--if they aren't interested, they are losing a chance to know you better!
This is minor...but I had such a great relaxing day until DH came home. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I guess my mother has finally figured out that I blocked her from my phone as well as social media I guess. She texted him today (a group message with me, but obviously it didn't go through to my phone).
"Happy 31st, Much love to you" and ...a picture of me as a child, a picture of a one-line birth announcement from when I was born, and pictures of my certificate of live birth.....oh, and a pacifier that is definitely from my little sister. Not me.
I know it's bait. She wants a response. I didn't think she'd try to reach my husband, but I guess there are no limits. Makes me want to scream. I want to respond with - 1. You're early. 2. I have a birth certificate, I know who my parents are, you're an ass. 3. That's not my pacifier. Get a grip lady. 4. Put the beer down.
@aevan011 Gag! Why can't these type of people take a hint! Maybe he should block her number too so this doesn't become a source of too much stress? My MIL likes to try and send us pictures in the mail so we will be nostalgic and want to contact her---nope!
Happy Birthday tomorrow, though! Alle Gute zum Geburtstag!
@dmontgo He might end up doing that. But honestly it's more likely he will just refrain from telling me in the future. I'm sure the mail will be the end result....until we move in a few years and neglect to share our new address. I don't know why she isn't getting it. I shared our registry info with my siblings today, as they both want to send something for the baby....but was very specific that I do not want mom involved. .....But they're public. Hoping she does not go looking.
ETA: Thank you!!!! Learned something new today, in German!
@aevan011 It's just about guilt and control--they want us to feel guilty and terrible and try to make amends as if it is our fault. I don't know if my MIL found our registries...I'm guessing not since she's fortunately not very tech savvy. Hopefully your mom won't find yourself, and that your siblings don't spill the beans!
German is a great language, but man, they sure know how to make short phrases super long and annoying! I hope you have a great birthday.
Reading about your toxic moms and ILs makes me so glad that I cut mine off and she has no idea that I'm even pregnant!
Ex decided to compare my parenting to that of his girlfriend of two weeks. Maybe I mentioned this already but I'm still pissed about it. So DS goes to daycare 5 days a week so I can work and go to school and apparently that irritates ex to no end. According to him I should be at home with DS 24/7 because that's what his gf does with her child. Bear in mind she gets assistance and child support and all that so she can. I get nothing. I'm a server, I don't get a paycheck. If business is slow I'm just kind of screwed that day. So anyway I work 5-6 days a week on top of my 15 credit hours and he wants to complain about the daycare he doesn't pay for? He wants to complain about my parenting when the only thing he has contributed financially or assistance wise in the past 10 months was a single pack of diapers last week? Seriously? Also DS has never hit or kicked or pushed or thrown a temper tantrum until being exposed to exes gfs child who does all of that about every twenty minutes for the entire day. But daycare is SO much more dangerous than her kid shoving him down and hitting him with no repercussions. His gf also has her head up her ass trying to tell me and ex MIL how horrible daycare is because kids bite LOL. Ex MIL looked at her funny before attempting to explain that's what kids do. (At least at daycare they're disciplined). I would love for her to put her child in daycare and get the reality check she so desperately needs when her child would be inevitably kicked out for bad behavior. DS for the record has been bitten numerous times but has yet to bite or bring harm otherwise to another child although I am fully expecting that day to come.
Well, the in laws visited this weekend and of course it can't go off without a hitch. They are generally fairly nice, but around all major life events (read: babies, weddings), MIL can get quite demanding. She actually had several temper tantrums over the course of DH and I planning our wedding (because we wanted a small gathering that she couldn't invite all her friends to). This weekend I discovered that MIL expects us to call her when I go into labor so she can start driving down here (she lives 4 hours away) because she wants to meet the baby "as soon as possible, you know, like within an hour after he's born". Now, maybe that's realistic and maybe it's not, and it will probably depend a lot upon what kind of labor and delivery I have, but I'm not really into someone telling me what's going to happen during a major life event OF MINE. I just kind of stared at her and then said "so you want us to call you even if I go into labor at 3am?" and she was like "well, yes, I guess so". And FIL (who was fairly shocked by her announcement that she was going to drop everything and drive 4 hours as soon as I go into labor, with or without him - since he has a full time job) was like "you should call her at 3am no matter what time you go into labor". DH then told her that she wasn't going to be at the hospital while I'm in labor and would only come in when invited. She sort of backed down after that and said "well you can think about it and let me know". The second incident occurred when she announced that we'll all be going to Florida to celebrate her parents' 70th anniversary, probably in April, she's not sure yet. She was like "well, we'll probably go down on Thursday, but you don't have to come until the weekend". I'm sorry, we don't HAVE TO go at all with a 3-4 month old infant. I have been to these weekends if Florida, and they are nice and the in laws pay, but it's really tiring to travel all the way down there and all the way back and put up with all the organized meals and events MIL insists on having. With an infant? Who may or may not be sleeping through the night? When I'm already back at work full time? We shall see. I just stared at her again. DH said something about "we'll see how things are going at that point". Take a chill pill, lady.
@penelope4612 I hate how people act like they are a priority during this huge time in our lives.
I'm not having visitors until I leave the hospital. I know myself, and I would not be comfortable with people gawking at me or my son in the hospital, and I don't want to feel like I need to have conversation within an hour of birth. I just want to spend it with Ashton and DH.
Originally we planned on my Step-MIL and FIL staying with us, but with my BP issues, we are pretty much just saying, "We will let you know when we are ready." We have a trip planned in March for his family to meet Ashton, but I'm not going to bend over backwards for anyone---we are in transition and we need time. Not even my parents have made demands on when to meet him (which is a breath of fresh air).
We'll probably start with a couple of friends, see how it goes, then stagger the rest of the guests. Less overwhelming for me as I'm trying to breastfeed and such. But that's just me--I'm a bit more private and need of decompression time than others.
@dmontgo - I agree, the number of people who will want to visit seems crazy. I couldn't believe MIL was like, well I'll just come down without FIL if he's working. So she wants to come, then FIL, then BIL and SIL, then DHs grandparents - and that's not even counting my side of the family. The least they could do is at least attempt to all come at once so we don't have to have 10 separate visits. I can envision her using this as an excuse to come and stay for a while and it's not going to fly. I have no qualms about taking the baby into the bedroom while they are visiting if I need a nap or some peace and quiet.
@penelope4612 Sounds like you & DH handled that really well. It's like they forget that we're adults and they don't get to demand. Sometimes I'm glad we have limited close friends and no family here, we won't have to worry about ridiculous amounts of visitors right away!
I don't want anyone at the hospital and luckily no one has even brought it up. Even my sister who's only 19 has said she's saving up for a plane ticket to visit "when the baby is a few months old...when you're ready for me"
My only concern is that my in-laws always visit for Thanksgiving, and this year it's more set in stone as they're attending a conference near us that week anyways. Everyone cross your fingers this baby stays cookin' until after their visit and doesn't come early (EDD Dec 2). It wouldn't be the end of the world if they were around, I just don't want to have to set restrictions.
I guess this is going to end up being a "what would you do?" post. My ILs are awesome, they are usually pretty down to earth and chill which is great. However, lately they've been driving me crazy. They knew we were looking at gliders and graciously offered to get one for us. That's great, right? We had one at BBB on our registry we were looking at and sent it to them to see what they think... nothing. They are dead set on taking us to this specific furniture store 30 minutes away to look. We recently got couches from there and looked at gliders. All they had were wood rockers or the wood gliders with cushions (I'm looking at an upholstered one that can be moved to our bedroom later without screaming "nursery".) I'm very thankful they want to help, but even after telling them we've been there recently and they don't have what we want they still aren't willing to look at what we actually picked out. DH has communicated this several times and I'm just starting to feel really awkward about the whole situation. I feel like I should be gracious without whatever they want to get us, but on the other hand, if it's really not what we want I don't want them to spend that kind of money if we aren't really happy. I don't know. How would you guys handle the situation?
Me: 26 & DH: 25
Married: August 2014 TTC since November 2015 BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16 BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
@dmontgo@penelope4612 Stay strong with the no (or limited) visitors thing. With DS, exSIL and exBIL were chomping at the bit to be at the hospital when he was born. They did the same thing to exH's sisters - calling everyone, getting everyone sitting around the waiting room. There was no way I was having that happen! The only person that knew I was in labor was my mom (and dad), but they live 580 miles away and weren't going to be there for a few weeks. A few friends visited in the hospital, but it was low key. I did not want exH's entire extended family crowding around my room (which is what happens). They were pissy, but they got over it. I've already warned DH that I don't want visitors, except for our other kiddos (and whomever is taking care of them, my mom if Bodhi stays in until the scheduled c-section date).We'll tell people when I'm ready for visitors. Thankfully we live about an hour+ away from most of DH's family and it will be the holidays.
My (late) irritation is MIL. While not toxic like so many of your relationships with parents/MILs, she is seriously a 65 year old toddler who acts like she is 95. Everything is always about her. She takes care of DSD about 3 days a month and stays at our house. This will end in November since she is more irritation than help, I can handle the toddler and baby. She had a hissy fit because we moved DS into what was "her" room (it was our guest room, we'd discussed her moving in with us and taking that room but that option quickly disappeared because she is selfish, completely unaware of the more urgent needs around her - like the kids, is always underfoot, and expects to be waited on like a guest, among other things) and "it is a good thing I didn't sell my house to move in there." This is the woman who made DH share a room with his brother so she could keep a spare room for herself. To just sit in. And DH's dad was career military and never even around. WTF? That just isn't the way I parent. I could go on about the way she parented for years...I have no idea how DH turned out so amazing. Seriously. She is the polar opposite of my mom.
Anyhow, we celebrated DSD's birthday this weekend. MIL said she'd be over early to help us set up. The party was at 1ish. 12:00 rolls around, no sign of MIL, no call. I have to leave in 30 minutes to pick up DS from his dad, I'm decorating, getting food ready, haven't showered, knowing people will already be there by the time I get back...DH calls her, she hasn't even left her house yet. She apparently showed up well after the party was supposed to start, based on where her car was parked in my driveway. On top of that, she sat in one chair the entire party, talked to no one (these people are her family, too! She was married to his dad for like, 30+ years before he died...like, seriously?), and only got up to get food, at which time she apparently almost bowled over DH's cousin's wife, who is 2-3 weeks post c-section.
To top that off, she is watching DSD for a few days this week. This schedule doesn't change. DH talks to her on SATURDAY and she says "I think I have doctor's appointments on Tuesday. But I'm not sure. I have a note that the procedure is Tuesday and a note that it is Thursday." So...wtf were you waiting for? Why have you not called yet? Tuesdays are my busy day at work so I can't telework and (secretly) watch DSD and DH may be able to but like...seriously? You have an obligation to do this THREE days a month and you can't be bothered to put it on a damn calendar so you can keep track?
@l9i If they are usually great and amazing, I'd probably just go through the motions of looking at gliders with them. Older generations sometimes aren't as savvy at online shopping, or they prefer the experience of shopping in physical ways you can't online. So, I'd go through the motions, sit on some chairs, have them take you to lunch, etc...and then at the end be like, "Thank you for shopping with us! There were some nice chairs, but I think the one from BBB would be a better fit for us." Then your DH can show them the other chair online again, help them get it (if that's been an issue with the technology gap) and then everyone got what they wanted.
If they don't want to get you the chair you asked for even acer shopping with them, then DH is just going to be upfront and say you appreciate the help, but it's either this chair or not at all. Just my 2 cents.
@mrsmerc2015 That sounds very frustrating. Oddly enough, that behavior is pretty common for a lot of military wives. Although my mom was diagnosed schizophrenic about 10 years ago, my dad was gone a lot due to the military (my mom is a vet as well). There would be times where she just...I guess was listless and depressed. Like she wanted people to be her friends and do things with her, but then she would not be communicative when they reached out. She would go through spurts where she socialized and had parties and such, but then nothing. Then add on top that she was parenting alone most of time...she was unhappy, and nothing seemed to make it better for a long time. My dad is still alive and home now, and that helped her a lot.
Her behavior (although not excusable) could very well be that she is deeply unhappy and she doesn't feel there is a way to fix it since her husband is gone. So she is extra needy and toddler-like so she gets attention. I can imagine she feels like she has been alone most of her life. But on the same token, she can't rely on others to make her happy--she has to make her own happiness! That is frustrating and I hope things look upward soon.
An update on my cousin. You know, the one who was divorcing the guy she married in May? Well she decided to try and work things out with him. Today I log onto Facebook and what do I see? Apparently he hit her, or beat her or something because she posted pictures of the bruises he left. All because she wanted to move a picture (according to her post). Needless to say she kicked him out, is not calling the cops, and is for sure divorcing him now. Should have left the guy back in July, but not my circus, not my monkeys.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@dmontgo Thank you! That is very helpful. And definitely makes sense. Her lack of maternal instinct combined with DH's dad's (it feels weird to refer to him as FIL since he passed before DH and I met) expectations of her (he was Asian and came from, from my observation of his sisters, a family of strong, very maternal women taught to be "the women" of the house) were often a point of contention in their marriage, from what DH, SIL, and DH's aunts have told me. I can imagine combining that with her history (abuse, turbulent home life) and feelings of isolation, along with what was generally already a "whoa is me" outlook on life could really result in her ending up where she is now.
I find, as I get older, I have a harder and harder time dealing with people who aren't "pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get stuff done" kind of people. I'll continue to blame by exH for exhausting me of patience for that kind of behavior. He totally emptied that bucket.
@dmontgo I agree with online shopping, etc. They fit the type that isn't comfortable with that which is why we were trying to set up a time to go to BBB with them to look at it. You're probably right in that it's best to just go through the motions. I'm just worried (knowing MILs style is very different than my own) that she will try to push something we don't want. DH and I are on the same page I think he's just going to have to really take the lead because it's not my parents, not my money, and I'm already uncomfortable with it. I guess it just confuses me as to why they are so set on going to this one and only store and nothing else.
Me: 26 & DH: 25
Married: August 2014 TTC since November 2015 BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16 BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
@mrsmerc2015 I hear you--it can be annoying as hell when someone cries to you all the time, but any advice or sympathy falls on deaf ears and they make no attempt to improve their situation. Some people are just more emotionally fragile than others and can't pull themselves out of a funk--but it's not our job to do that for them. I've got shit to do!
@l9i I think babies give people tunnel vision and they lose their minds. When we were still talking to MIL, she was very adamant about us visiting (12 hours away) and going to a very particular shop with boutique baby items that are not our style at all. Only that store would do. My SIL is so excited about our baby that she *has* to visit immediately because omg what if she doesn't see him as a newborn dear God!
Your MIL has a funky attachment to this shop--maybe it reminds her of a glider she had with your DH. Whatever the case, I think it's good that your DH will take the lead on it--any dashing of glider dreams will come easier from him than from you. People are nuts.
@phoenix870509 Very sorry to hear about your cousin being abused. Abusive cycles are hard to break out of--I hope she follows through on her divorce this time!
Me too @dmontgo. If she doesn't I think my mom may step in. In the job my mom works in she is obligated to report any form of abuse, especially child and elder. She's come close to it in the past, as my two young cousins and their older sister (cousin's daughters) have told us some unfavorable things about this guy. This is just the icing on the cake.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.6
@phoenix870509 That whole situation sounds so unnecessarily annoying. I'm just glad you & DH are on the same page and SIL is in agreement. It's at least good that she understands and is willing to defend your choice! I agree, naming a godparent can be more of an inclusion to the existing family. I know in DH's family it is more common to name aunts/uncles as godparents, but I would not hesitate to go outside the family with a friend who shares my values.
@dmontgo
Sorry SIL is acting up now. I feel like you just can't catch a break! *breathe* I don't know why people stake claims on others' kids. Like....you're the one who carried Ashton, not her, so she doesn't get to decide that she should be "first" to see him. Ugh. I'm angry for you. *hugs*
@aevan011 my first choice for godparent was one of his sisters (not the sister his mom wants us to use). DH wanted our friend. Once he talked to all of his sisters they were fine with our choice (as his baby sister said, it's your kid, why do you need my blessing?) we asked our friend. And I don't know why MIL is being a hypocrite. She is one of 13 and has numerous sisters she could have named DH's godmother. And who did she pick? Her best friend.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
My family is being crazy over child care. DH works 3rd shift and I work 1st so we will be able to take care of the baby for the most part, and just rarely see each other during the week. So we decided to ask SIL to do part time daycare so DH can sleep some during the day. DH has 3 sisters, I have one. My sister ruined a girls night with me, her and my mom because she was mad that we chose SIL. She thinks SIL will be the favorite and most familiar aunt. My sister is 24, done with college and needs a full time job with benefits, she does not need to be babysitting 20 hours a week in the middle of the work day. SIL is 19, not in school, not working, but has tons of experience with babies and children.
MIL also gets upset because she had figured out that she could do two days a week for us. For so many reasons this is not ideal. SIL will follow our routines and rules, MIL will be grandma and make "exceptions" for gma time. MIL will say she does not want to be paid, but then complain to her family about doing everything for us and not getting anything for it. Having SIL every day is consistent and routine, different baby sitters every day is not as consistent and harder to track. MIL can come with SIL anytime she wants to see the baby. I do not want MIL to raise my child, I don't agree with all of her parenting advice or way she raised DH. SIL will do what we ask because we are paying her to do what we ask. Also, I want MIL for weekends or getaways, not to be burned out with baby care, and I don't want grandparents to be disciplinarians or responsible, I just want them to be fun grandparents. Also, if I am missing out on special experiences because I have to work I just really don't want MIL to be able to brag to everyone that she got to be there for it. She also wants to "help us" because of the cost of child care. We are grown, we planned when we would have a child and how we would afford it, and we can afford it. I also selfishly don't want her to get more time and relationship with my child than my own mother.
I am very grateful that we have so much family that wants to love this baby, and lives near enough to do so, but honestly, I'm tired of people being offended that we didn't choose them. Our first choice was hiring an unrelated nanny or daycare (which of course MIL thinks she is allowed to refuse that we send our child to daycare... not up to you). If I had my way, we wouldn't even need child care because I would be home with the baby and no one would have anything to fight over anyway. Be happy we want you to be part of the baby's life!
Minor and I know they have tiny comfort zones that will only get tinier as they get older. Unfortunate almost everything about me is outside their comfort zone (damn I wish I'd married a black lesbian sometimes). Just gotta know it is what it is - oh well.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
@BenNSarah I don't know why family takes decisions that have nothing to do with them so personally. It's as if they think we are making decisions to hurt them--no, I'm just doing what is best for my family!
@slartybartfast Since I've detached myself and grown on my own, my views, interests, and essentially everything has become the polar opposite of my parents. When I was younger, I don't think it occurred to me that I could have different views than them. For me, it's freeing, but for them they think I'm trying to rebel. I'm almost 27 and paying my own bills! Just keep your course and know it's ok to be doing your own thing--if they aren't interested, they are losing a chance to know you better!
"Happy 31st, Much love to you" and ...a picture of me as a child, a picture of a one-line birth announcement from when I was born, and pictures of my certificate of live birth.....oh, and a pacifier that is definitely from my little sister. Not me.
I know it's bait. She wants a response. I didn't think she'd try to reach my husband, but I guess there are no limits. Makes me want to scream. I want to respond with - 1. You're early. 2. I have a birth certificate, I know who my parents are, you're an ass. 3. That's not my pacifier. Get a grip lady. 4. Put the beer down.
But instead I'll vent here. *exhale*
Happy Birthday tomorrow, though! Alle Gute zum Geburtstag!
I don't know why she isn't getting it. I shared our registry info with my siblings today, as they both want to send something for the baby....but was very specific that I do not want mom involved. .....But they're public. Hoping she does not go looking.
ETA: Thank you!!!! Learned something new today, in German!
German is a great language, but man, they sure know how to make short phrases super long and annoying! I hope you have a great birthday.
Ex decided to compare my parenting to that of his girlfriend of two weeks. Maybe I mentioned this already but I'm still pissed about it. So DS goes to daycare 5 days a week so I can work and go to school and apparently that irritates ex to no end. According to him I should be at home with DS 24/7 because that's what his gf does with her child. Bear in mind she gets assistance and child support and all that so she can. I get nothing. I'm a server, I don't get a paycheck. If business is slow I'm just kind of screwed that day. So anyway I work 5-6 days a week on top of my 15 credit hours and he wants to complain about the daycare he doesn't pay for? He wants to complain about my parenting when the only thing he has contributed financially or assistance wise in the past 10 months was a single pack of diapers last week? Seriously? Also DS has never hit or kicked or pushed or thrown a temper tantrum until being exposed to exes gfs child who does all of that about every twenty minutes for the entire day. But daycare is SO much more dangerous than her kid shoving him down and hitting him with no repercussions. His gf also has her head up her ass trying to tell me and ex MIL how horrible daycare is because kids bite LOL. Ex MIL looked at her funny before attempting to explain that's what kids do. (At least at daycare they're disciplined). I would love for her to put her child in daycare and get the reality check she so desperately needs when her child would be inevitably kicked out for bad behavior. DS for the record has been bitten numerous times but has yet to bite or bring harm otherwise to another child although I am fully expecting that day to come.
The second incident occurred when she announced that we'll all be going to Florida to celebrate her parents' 70th anniversary, probably in April, she's not sure yet. She was like "well, we'll probably go down on Thursday, but you don't have to come until the weekend". I'm sorry, we don't HAVE TO go at all with a 3-4 month old infant. I have been to these weekends if Florida, and they are nice and the in laws pay, but it's really tiring to travel all the way down there and all the way back and put up with all the organized meals and events MIL insists on having. With an infant? Who may or may not be sleeping through the night? When I'm already back at work full time? We shall see. I just stared at her again. DH said something about "we'll see how things are going at that point". Take a chill pill, lady.
I'm not having visitors until I leave the hospital. I know myself, and I would not be comfortable with people gawking at me or my son in the hospital, and I don't want to feel like I need to have conversation within an hour of birth. I just want to spend it with Ashton and DH.
Originally we planned on my Step-MIL and FIL staying with us, but with my BP issues, we are pretty much just saying, "We will let you know when we are ready." We have a trip planned in March for his family to meet Ashton, but I'm not going to bend over backwards for anyone---we are in transition and we need time. Not even my parents have made demands on when to meet him (which is a breath of fresh air).
We'll probably start with a couple of friends, see how it goes, then stagger the rest of the guests. Less overwhelming for me as I'm trying to breastfeed and such. But that's just me--I'm a bit more private and need of decompression time than others.
I don't want anyone at the hospital and luckily no one has even brought it up. Even my sister who's only 19 has said she's saving up for a plane ticket to visit "when the baby is a few months old...when you're ready for me"
My only concern is that my in-laws always visit for Thanksgiving, and this year it's more set in stone as they're attending a conference near us that week anyways. Everyone cross your fingers this baby stays cookin' until after their visit and doesn't come early (EDD Dec 2). It wouldn't be the end of the world if they were around, I just don't want to have to set restrictions.
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
My (late) irritation is MIL. While not toxic like so many of your relationships with parents/MILs, she is seriously a 65 year old toddler who acts like she is 95. Everything is always about her. She takes care of DSD about 3 days a month and stays at our house. This will end in November since she is more irritation than help, I can handle the toddler and baby. She had a hissy fit because we moved DS into what was "her" room (it was our guest room, we'd discussed her moving in with us and taking that room but that option quickly disappeared because she is selfish, completely unaware of the more urgent needs around her - like the kids, is always underfoot, and expects to be waited on like a guest, among other things) and "it is a good thing I didn't sell my house to move in there." This is the woman who made DH share a room with his brother so she could keep a spare room for herself. To just sit in. And DH's dad was career military and never even around. WTF? That just isn't the way I parent. I could go on about the way she parented for years...I have no idea how DH turned out so amazing. Seriously. She is the polar opposite of my mom.
Anyhow, we celebrated DSD's birthday this weekend. MIL said she'd be over early to help us set up. The party was at 1ish. 12:00 rolls around, no sign of MIL, no call. I have to leave in 30 minutes to pick up DS from his dad, I'm decorating, getting food ready, haven't showered, knowing people will already be there by the time I get back...DH calls her, she hasn't even left her house yet. She apparently showed up well after the party was supposed to start, based on where her car was parked in my driveway. On top of that, she sat in one chair the entire party, talked to no one (these people are her family, too! She was married to his dad for like, 30+ years before he died...like, seriously?), and only got up to get food, at which time she apparently almost bowled over DH's cousin's wife, who is 2-3 weeks post c-section.
To top that off, she is watching DSD for a few days this week. This schedule doesn't change. DH talks to her on SATURDAY and she says "I think I have doctor's appointments on Tuesday. But I'm not sure. I have a note that the procedure is Tuesday and a note that it is Thursday." So...wtf were you waiting for? Why have you not called yet? Tuesdays are my busy day at work so I can't telework and (secretly) watch DSD and DH may be able to but like...seriously? You have an obligation to do this THREE days a month and you can't be bothered to put it on a damn calendar so you can keep track?
If they don't want to get you the chair you asked for even acer shopping with them, then DH is just going to be upfront and say you appreciate the help, but it's either this chair or not at all. Just my 2 cents.
Her behavior (although not excusable) could very well be that she is deeply unhappy and she doesn't feel there is a way to fix it since her husband is gone. So she is extra needy and toddler-like so she gets attention. I can imagine she feels like she has been alone most of her life. But on the same token, she can't rely on others to make her happy--she has to make her own happiness! That is frustrating and I hope things look upward soon.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
Her lack of maternal instinct combined with DH's dad's (it feels weird to refer to him as FIL since he passed before DH and I met) expectations of her (he was Asian and came from, from my observation of his sisters, a family of strong, very maternal women taught to be "the women" of the house) were often a point of contention in their marriage, from what DH, SIL, and DH's aunts have told me. I can imagine combining that with her history (abuse, turbulent home life) and feelings of isolation, along with what was generally already a "whoa is me" outlook on life could really result in her ending up where she is now.
I find, as I get older, I have a harder and harder time dealing with people who aren't "pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get stuff done" kind of people. I'll continue to blame by exH for exhausting me of patience for that kind of behavior. He totally emptied that bucket.
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
Your MIL has a funky attachment to this shop--maybe it reminds her of a glider she had with your DH. Whatever the case, I think it's good that your DH will take the lead on it--any dashing of glider dreams will come easier from him than from you. People are nuts.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18