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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.6
dmontgo
member
Is your family making you want to climb in bed and say "Wake me up when September ends"? Join us!
Bonus: Many times we let fear prevent us from enjoying activities or pursuing things or the relationships we want. So this week, answer this question:
"If I wasn't afraid, I would ______!"
It can be related to anything!
Bonus: Many times we let fear prevent us from enjoying activities or pursuing things or the relationships we want. So this week, answer this question:
"If I wasn't afraid, I would ______!"
It can be related to anything!
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 9.6
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
Bonus:
If I wasn't so afraid, I would sell all of belongings and get a one-way ticket overseas and travel with DH and Ashton, probably teaching English or German. On a more feasible scale, if I wasn't so afraid, I would leave my current field and go into something that speaks more to my soul.
One thing putting stuff on hold is that DH is finishing school. It's not his fault, he's doing something great for us, but we can't move and I can't switch fields until he graduates. But another big thing is that while I crave change, I also crave control--you can't have both! So I'm doing a lot of self-reflection on what is worth trying to control and what isn't, as well as thinking about why I want to control certain things in the first place.
Bonus:
If I weren't so afraid, I would go back to school and pursue that Ph.D in English Literature I've always wanted regardless of the expense, time in school, and the scope of positions open in Humanities. I'd get a job at a small liberal arts college and never retire from researching and lecturing on Austen, Shakespeare, Chaucer, and the rest of my beloveds.
this made me laugh. Did she really think you would just friend the "dog" and not realize it was her? Silly women!
I know that mothers are people too, and not perfect. It's just so annoying that MIL has to be so selfish and passive aggressive. I really just want to tell her to grow up sometimes, and I hate that I have to be the adult in the relationship. Plus my mom is having her surgery this week, so I have made the executive decision to ignore all calls and texts this week from MIL to avoid any unnecessary stress.
My brother lives with us, and his wife who is my best friend's little sister, lived with us also. They got together in June 2015, and he moved her into our house without even asking. They got married in January 2016. In May this year we told them they would need to find their own place by the end of the year. A month later she left him, and started banging her co-worker. She's still been around every now and then, and really DH and I have had our share of marital issues, and we have no room to judge, so whatever. But she really is using him....I mean...it's like a convenience thing for her or something. So last week (I think I told you guys this) he tells us he's moving her back in, and they're looking for a place that week. I'm like wtf, you can't just TELL us you're moving someone into OUR house. Not even a week later, he's apologizing and eating his words...because guess what...she's already back at the co-workers, because "he changed his mind". But not before spending three days at our house doing laundry, getting a key to our house, and getting $60 out of my brother. I feel bad. He's a recovering heroin addict...he's been clean 4 years. I worry about his mental state. I get angry when he treats us like shit, but then get all big sister protective too.
Also my baby sister is a dumb ass. She had to move home to my parents temporarily. She knows how they are, or specifically how my dad is...he will search your shit with no shame. So why did she bring weed to my parents??? We live in Oregon, where it's all totally legal, and really all of my siblings smoke and my parents are just clueless to it. But they're clueless to it for a reason, because they don't approve. So why the hell would she be so dumb as to bring it to my parents?! I really just wanted to slap her upside the head, but instead just said I was sorry that she was dealing with that.
Bonus:
@dmontgo mine is very much like yours
DH has been talking about moving lately, and while I do think it would be awesome to go somewhere new and start over...I'm so terrified to! I'm terrible at making friends, and I'm afraid of finding jobs....even though I desperately want to find something that I actually love to do. I want change, but I want control too. If I wasn't afraid, I'd just do it and never look back.
That is shitty that your dad has no sense of boundaries and looked through her things without permission. Stuff like that pisses me off. >:/
In my experience, moving really resets so many things, especially mindset. It's a blank page, a fresh start--I think for people like us, that's what we need to go after things that matter to us. Maybe just looking at places you would love to live is a good start in that mental transition?
Yeah, I guess mostly I've just lived in the same place my entire life...DH too. Our families are here...but also it'd be nice to get away from our families...but maybe not too far away? Like a longish drive away? lol. It's exciting, but terrifying. Before DH was wanting to move like in a couple of years, but twins changed that. Now at least we both agree that it'll be at least 5 years...but it should definitely happen before the girls are in like 3rd grade. I mean realistically, money shouldn't be an issue...we live in Portland...we will turn a profit on our house pretty much no matter what.
My MIL is the most manipulative person on the face of the planet. It's like trying to deal with a giant 3 year old who then throws epic fits if she doesn't get her way. I'm relatively laid back and allow my DH to deal with her and I and almost can't deal with her antics so I've cut the communication down to necessary topics only. I don't reach out to her, I don't ask her questions, I don't have lengthy conversations with her about anything. If she asks a question about our children I answer as succinctly and pleasantly as possible. I leave all of the other issues to my DH who wants to continue to have a relationship with her.
But she's about to push me over the edge. She sent out a text on Monday asking about clothing. I did not respond in a timely enough manner for her so 14 minutes later (yes 14 minutes) she sends a text that says "Hello????" I try to return all forms of communication in a timely manner as humanly possible but at that time we were packing up our car to return home from a trip and I couldn't text her back immediately.
This is NOT the most egregious thing she's done in the years we've been married, she's done 1000 other things that are extremely hurtful and vindictive. I swear our family could take up an entire Dr. Phil show or two with her manipulation tactics and vindictive behavior and I think Dr. Phil would give her the what for's and how to's on her role as a MIL and an "outsider" to our little family.
I think she's the sole reason my BP was so high with my last pregnancy/child that I was put on bed rest and diagnosed with gestational hypertension because she was angry with us that we didn't want to bring our 6 week old across country to her house that she smokes in constantly.
I think I could totally commandeer this entire thread with the crap that she's pulled over the last decade or so. I sometimes think that I could write a book about her but people would honestly think it's fiction because no one would believe that an actual person could do/say some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth!
**end rant** I feel much better now!
Question: If I wasn't afraid I would open up my own party planning store and do it all from start to finish- invitations, food, set up, tear down, scheduling entertainment. I would also have a store where you could buy invitations and other party planning stuff like décor if you wanted to do it yourself.
Married Jan 2008
DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18"
Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020
bonus: DH and I already moved to a new state for my job. I honestly wouldn't have done anything differently. I used to want a lot of change when I was in my 20s, but now that I'm in my mid-30s I am very comfortable where I am. I used to want to live abroad or in other parts of the country, but after spending enough time there I feel that I am lucky to live in the Northeast and especially the United States (although I am asking DH to get dual citizenship (EU) in case something horrible happens haha).
Married Jan 2008
DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18"
Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020
If I had a forever home that I could travel from and return to...that would be perfect. We're hoping to move out West in 2018, and I'm hoping Colorado will be the home I've been looking for. I'm just ready for an adventure away from here.
Fil has not acknowledged my 2yo DD one single time (directly to DH or i)...not that gifts matter but he's never called/texted/Facebook/sent a freaking card in 28 months. Not one thing.
He has not acknowledged this pregnancy one bit (directly). I don't expect him to. But I get really mad when instead of texting or calling us about the kids name, he writes on mil Facebook wall asking the middle name. We hadn't told anyone the MN yet so she couldn't give that info...but why can't he call/text DH? Why no acknowledgement or congrats for either kid? What's in it for him? I just hate it.
And DH has tried calling, texting, communicating on Facebook but fil always ignores then complains to mil that DH won't contact him. She always believes him. Ugh. There's so much more to it but this really got on my nerves when I saw it on mil Facebook the other day.
My dad's parents did not like my mom. There was no reason, they were just assholes...my mom before her illness was extremely kind and loving. As a result, when I was born there wasn't an acknowledgement either. Eventually they came to see me once or twice, but I never received birthday cards, Christmas presents, general acknowledgements of my existence...until I grew up and started making money--THEN I started getting the random presents. I haven't received one acknowledgement of my pregnancy by any extended family either.
My dad invited her (grandma) to my brother's high school graduation last year, and she didn't say one word to my DH, not one word to my mom, and only a few sentences to me. My dad asked me later why I didn't make "the effort," and I flat out told him that I don't love grandma. I have zero attachment to her. She's a stranger to me.
I did wish growing up that I could have the same loving relationship with my extended family as my friends did, but I didn't blame my parents. It sucks, but I think it's my grandma's loss more than mine. Your DD may just grow up feeling the same away about her grandpa, but that's his loss for being an ass!
@dmontgo I absolutely agree. When people chose not to acknowledge you or your child it's their loss. They will, undoubtedly look back on their life and it will be a major regret of theirs. I try hard to think this way when my MIL slights my youngest or is a general asshat. My kids will grow up realizing that their grandmother only did certain things to "show off" or to prove that she could.
I'm sorry @sourlemon I know that's a rough situation. I'm so confrontational though when it comes to stuff like that I probably would have posted as a reply "if you are so interested in your grandchild(ren) perhaps you should acknowledge the many times DH has reached out to you and ask him and/or me about the name rather than going through a 3rd party."
But then again, I'll fully admit I'm a little ragey lately and the pregnancy hormones are real with this one!
Married Jan 2008
DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18"
Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020
That is frustrating. I have a SIL that is a princess and thinks she is the center of her mothers world... the other problem is that MIL also thinks she and her two boys are the cats pajamas. As far as I am concerned they can have each other. The only thing I am worried about is that if it continues that my boys might feel left out, so I will have to figure out how to navigate that one if it arises...
So...SIL had asked in the past if she can come visit as soon as Ashton is born. We said no, we need some time to ourselves, but we are coming to visit in March for Spring Break. She doesn't make a lot of money, and she will have just came back from a huge vacation, so we figured she would be relieved we are going to visit everyone at once. Apparently not.
She told DH that she wants to come visit in January and meet him before everyone else does because "She knows how quickly babies change in just a few months and wants to see him when he is Itty bitty" and that "money is no object." She does not have children. DH tries to explain that I'm having some complications, so we don't know when exactly Ashton will be here anymore, and it's causing stress. We're not thinking about visitors right now because everything is so up in the air. WELL. That is not the answer she wanted. She says that she is not MIL and she doesn't understand why she just can't come visit in January when he is small, etc.
So I decide to send her a text about the complications with my BP, what that entails, what the risks are, thinking that will help her understand why visitors are not a priority at this moment, and it's nothing personal, we are just in limbo and it's stressful. We don't know when he is getting here yet, and we don't know what kind of birth that entails because he may come early--we just don't know at this point. He may be in the NICU for all we know. She is not having it. "I just don't understand why you don't want me there no matter what the circumstances are...I thought we were in a great place...I just want to meet my nephew before everyone else!"
No mention of how I'm doing, if I'm feeling ok...I felt like I don't matter at all. I'm just the carrier for the golden child. I tell her it's not about her, it's not about not wanting her there, we just have no idea what is going on yet. It's like talking to a brick wall! She just kept trying to guilt trip me and make me feel so awful since in her opinion "I have been the most supportive person of you and DH's relationship since it started! I can come any month...just as long as it's before everyone else sees him!"
I just stopped answering because I'm so exhausted. I don't know what is going on with me. I don't know what is going on with my son. I'm anxious, stressed because I don't want anything to happen to either of us. DH is pretty much like "fuck anyone that doesn't understand that we need some space" and I agree but fuck she made me feel so shitty. My pregnancy and child are not about her. I feel like I was talking to MIL #2. If someone is here with me immediately after Ashton is born, I want it to be a mom. They can help me. I can ask questions.
She has never made an effort to visit us before, and since we found out about our son, it's been very "Tell me every update!" And etc. I am thrilled she is excited, but I feel overwhelmed. I've had problems with her in the past, but recently everything has been fine. There are just times when she sounds so much like my MIL. DH said from now on everyone that wants to visit will go through him so I'm not stressed...which I appreciate. I shouldn't have texted her in the first place--I just figured she'd understand.
Bleh. End rant.
I'm not sure what it is about babies and weddings that makes people so selfish and insane. It's seriously one of the weirdest phenomenas no one warns you about.
She has told me she has serious baby fever, but has been waiting nearly a decade for her BF to propose before she feels comfortable having a baby. So I think maybe that is why she is so nuts about it. DH said I've done nothing wrong and she is being selfish. We're not going to give in and let her come whenever she wants, but my codependent tendencies internalize her anger and I get afraid that I will be portrayed as the "bad guy" even though I'm not.
I know you're not a believer, but my husband and I were recently moved away from everyone we know and love - 3 hours. We tried everything to prevent it, but his job was too good and it was move or lose the job and have no income. He actually applied and was offered a job back home and at the last minute they rescinded the offer and we were back to moving. Neither of us wanted to go. We were both extremely attached to our families.
When we moved we could find ONE suitable rental house that would take our dogs. It felt like God was saying, "Right here. No where else." And then when we bought a house the next year? It was literally across the intersection. We moved a mile. As soon as we moved into our permanent home here, I've mentioned, the pregnancy we'd been praying about for four years was suddenly a reality. We keep saying that this is what God had for us, to take us out of our families and encourage us to be our own family, our own support system, etc. etc.
We crazily now hear so much less from our families that we were so attached to and we realized that we were getting together and having so much family time because it was us that was orchestrating that relationship. When it wasn't convenient, it stopped happening at all unless we were willing to go out of our way.
I say all this to say that regardless of what you believe, sometimes the healthiest thing in the whole wide world is to just let it all go. You've been talking about a big move, I say that sounds like the coolest, best idea for a nice clean slate where your small family will have just each other. I can't recommend it enough. It makes the perspective so much clearer when the phone stops ringing because there's less you can do for people.
Although I'm not a believer in the social constructs of who God is supposed to be, I do think that wonderful circumstances appear when we need them most.
I think it's great that you and your DH are able to be in a place where clarity and true healing and discovery can begin. Even since we "met," you've made incredible changes! I'm sincerely hoping that moving from here will kick-start deeper self-discovery and I will make significant strides away from a lot of the negative energies. It's something I am craving deep within, and for now I can only look to the horizon and try to take more focused care of myself!
All we can do is just keep working on bettering ourselves. That's the only person we are capable of changing for the better. Tbh I would rather try to work on and fuss over others and neglect myself - that's more natural feeling for me. Like you, I'm very sensitive and loving and want to care for people. However, I also hide the super sensitive and vulnerable side of me so protectively that sometimes even I have a hard time accessing myself and being present as my authentic self out of a learned fear of being rejected and hurt. I'm still struggling pretty hard, but thanks for noticing that I'm really trying here!
I think having a place like we've formed here where there are people that you can express this side of yourself and your struggles with has been really helpful for me to be able to articulate what I'm feeling and also associate what other people are going through as examples of why stuff needs to change or isn't okay. I think we are making each other healthier in that way by encouraging one another to be positive, self care, express these feelings and get them out of ourselves, and so on. It's easy to isolate and question yourself when you don't have an outlet to say, "this isn't okay, is it?" It makes a big difference for me.
I didn't sleep well last night from anxiety and frustration. I've been thinking about how I could have been more clear or something, but I was honest with her and she made the situation about her. It makes me mad, and then I get mad because I know this is spiking my BP and I have an OB appointment in a few hours.
Ash is not even here yet and people are acting like they will never get to see him. Assholes.
@dmontgo I'm so sorry that your SIL is putting additional stress and pressure on you at a time when, you absolutely don't need it! I had/have BP issues with my last 2 term pregnancies (pre-e with one and gestational hypertension which included bed rest with the other) and it's not easy to navigate through.
You seem to be a very caring person to everyone in your sphere (including here) and I wish some in your life would recognize that and give you the care you give everyone else.
If you want any anecdotal stories or evidence of BP issues and how it affects you later in pregnancy I'll be happy to answer anything from my point of view- clearly not a MD- but am happy to give you my experiences and what helped and didn't.
The biggest (unsolicited) advice I can give you is to let your DH deal with all of the external family stressors right now. I didn't with my last pregnancy- my MIL decided to act like a ROYAL asshat- I confronted her because of her accusations about me- and I firmly believe that stress led me bed rest and a slightly early delivery!
Family stressors are absolutely NOT worth your health, Ashton's health and the health of your nucleus family. I'm glad your DH has made the decision of all family visit requests and stressors go through him! Take care of yourself!
And I second @Austenista "I'm not sure what it is about babies and weddings that makes people so selfish and insane." Seriously!
And I am not putting up with that mess anymore either. If MIL or SIL try to be crazy, I ignore them. Which is all easier said than done though, because my mind is working nonstop and i will seriously go over conversations dozens of times in my head trying to reanalyze them and figure out different meanings of what people said or did.
I am trying to use this time to reflect on what about MIL and SIL makes me so uncomfortable, and working on maybe opening up a little more. I have to believe that they are good people, they just sometimes let their selfish sides get the better of them... a lot of the time. I know there are things I can work on to be a better person and mom, and can only take it one day at a time. Right now I am focusing on my relationship with DH, since it is going to change very soon. I try and make him feel special and included and let him know how grateful i am for him every day. And he takes my mid off of them. I also just completely ignore MIL and SIL sometimes because ain't nobody got time for that!
ETA (because I posted then read all the "new" posts I had missed) - @dmontgo you've set your boundaries with SIL. She is the one not respecting you or those boundaries. Do not stress over it, you have done what you can. I hope she can see how pushy she is being and back off (from stories you have told it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders). There are a lot of unknowns. And what is with people wanting to see baby when they're a newborn? IMO they all look similar. Wouldn't you want to come see your nephew when you can clearly see his features? I hope she comes to her senses. But yes, let DH deal with her and you relax, don't get your BP up and keep Ashton in there as long as you can.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
I would love to hear any experiences you've had! I just got back from my weekly appointment--my BP has gone down some, but not enough. I have to take my BP meds 3 times a day now. He said for sure that Ashton will be here before his due date--at least a week, but if I don't improve even if they up my medication again, he may come out even sooner. I'll post the rest of the details on the weekly appointments, but it always helps me to read others' experiences. Thank you for your support!
@phoenix870509 It doesn't make sense to me to name an Aunt as the godparent. She's already an Aunt! I'm sorry your MIL isn't getting the hint and can't seem to respect your wishes--she had her chance with her children...it's your turn now!
I'm sorry he didn't respond the way he should have. You would think that such a letter would make him seriously think about what's important in life. Unfortunately he made it all about himself. It's his loss, and one day he will regret it, whether or not he verbalizes it.
Proud of you!