Dissapointed and guilty

apbauer0615 · September 2016

so we found out the sex today and we're having our 3rd boy. We already have twin boys so we were really hoping for a little girl. I feel sad & dissapointed about it & I hate myself for that. I know I should be happy that I'm growing a healthy child & that I concieved naturally without any trouble. But I can't help it. We're afraid of the dynamic of older twin brothers to a little brother (feeling left out etc) and I know that we'll prob try for a 4th now even though we prob can't really aford it (we'd need a bigger house). I'm also afraid of the added risk of a higher chance of autism with boys. My mothers passed and I really miss a mother daughter bond. I know most of these feelings will go away once I get to hold my new baby. Just feeling shitty

BumpasaurusRex · September 2016

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed.

My first response answer is that I don't think it's wise to have a 4th child if you already know you won't be able to afford it.

Xstatic3333 · September 2016

I'm going to be blunt. This is not a good time and place for this post. A very regular poster just announced a devastating loss. I know sex disappointment is real and am not belittling your feelings, but this is not the place or time.

WinchesterGirl · September 2016

apbauer0615 said:

so we found out the sex today and we're having our 3rd boy. We already have twin boys so we were really hoping for a little girl. I feel pretty depressed about it & I hate myself for that. I know I should be happy that I'm growing a healthy child & that I concieved naturally without any trouble. But I can't help it. We're afraid of the dynamic of older twin brothers to a little brother (feeling left out etc) and I know that we'll prob try for a 4th now even though we prob can't really aford it (we'd need a bigger house). I'm also afraid of the added risk of a higher chance of autism with boys. My mothers passed and I really miss a mother daughter bond. I know most of these feelings will go away once I get to hold my new baby. Just feeling shitty

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed. I know this may seem like a big deal right now, but I think by the time baby is here you will be so overjoyed that a 3rd boy will seem like the happy occasion that it is.

In the meantime, try flipping the script to positive things - it's great that this new baby will have TWO great older brothers to look up to. Think of all the money you'll save on hand-me-downs! Think of newborn baby smell. This is a good thing.

blush64 · September 2016

@Xstatic3333 said something similar to what I was thinking.

I know you feel guilty for your feelings and hopefully you get over the negative feelings quickly. Really consider all the things you could have been told that are much worse than finding out your child has a penis.

There is no guarantee that a baby girl means there will a special life long mother-daughter bond, that there won't be jealousy or left out feelings, that she will like traditional girl things. A mother-son bond is just as important to the child and parent.

birdiejo · September 2016

Hey, I'm sorry you're down. Don't hate yourself for feeling what your feeling, I'm sure you can't help it. Give the news some time to digest and I bet you will feel better about it.

PerraSucia · September 2016

My sister and I both hate my mom.

And who who knows maybe one of your sons was born the wrong sex and will transition later in life.

srscott3 · September 2016

*TW: Sexual Violence*
I have been terrified about having a girl, because of my past and what it's like for young women nowadays. My H said that if it's a girl, we will just raise her right and to be smart and careful in the world. But, when my parents found out that I was raped two years ago, my dad cried and said how I was the one that they raised to be smart and the one they never thought they would have to worry about something like that happening to.

*End TW*
So I guess I kind of see where you're coming from about having a gender preference. But honestly, as others have said, there is way worse devastating news than not getting the gender you wanted.
Each and every time I see a loss post, my fear of having a girl diminishes a little more. As part of this BMB community, I have realized that getting to go home with a baby at all (no matter the gender) is all I can ask for. The fears and worries I have will just be something that I need to work on. And I would be so lucky to get the chance to work on that.
I don't want to downplay how you're feeling at all, because depression is very real, but maybe stick around here or search through our old threads and see just how lucky we all are to still be around. It might help you like it did me

apbauer0615 · September 2016

Look I know I'm lucky, I slready said I feel guilty & should be happy to be carrying a healthy child. I had my twins at 27weeks, both were born not breathing and in the nicu for 3 months. So I know the fear of loosing a child, but can't help that deep down I was hoping for a girl.

cinderin · September 2016

it's ok to be upset about something that isn't logical. give yourself a couple days and then decide to get over it. think of all the things you're thankful for.

remember that a girl doesn't guarantee a close relationship or even that she might be interested in dance, baking or fashion. one of your boys may be interested in one or all of those and might be closer to you than a girl. it's just an XY or an XX.

kerris713 · September 2016

I think that you have every right to feel the way you feel. I think that we all have small visions/dreams when we find out we're expecting on who this person is growing inside us and for almost 4 or 5 months we hold on to them. Give yourself some time to deal with these feelings and just know that some day you will become excited about who this person is going to be and how the dynamics of your family will change. It will be okay

MommaBean · September 2016

It's ok to feel how you feel, OP. You seem plenty aware that you are, in fact, blessed so I'm sure these feelings will pass. Go ahead and feel them for now without feeling guilty about it. You'll come around when you're ready.

varimama · September 2016

I feel like I would understand being disappointed but if you are actually depressed over it then I think that is a problem. I really hope you able to put this all behind you soon and get excited for a sweet baby boy. I hate the emphasis that is put on a child's sex, a baby is a baby and it's perfect no matter what is between its legs. I also feel like it's a mistake to try for a 4th when you know you can't afford it. Plus if you are depressed over number 3 being a boy what happens if number 4 is a boy and you are already under financial stress as well?

For what it's worth I have never been close to my mom, as a little girl I was a daddy's girl, in middle/high school I was out in the garage helping my dad with cars, and now I only talk to her when I call my dad so having a girl does not guarantee you'll have a great mother daughter relationship.

Ryder0406 · September 2016

H was extremely disappointed when we found out our first was a girl and still made comments even after she was born about wishing she was a boy... He's already made 'joking' comments that 'this one better be a boy'. I wanted to be team green, but my MW adviced me that if one partner is set on a certain sex, it's best to find out during pregnancy so the disappointment can be dealt with before birth. I thought this was a great point. So yes, you're feeling sad and guilty now, but you know and can get used to the idea and be happy when you have your baby boy!

BumpasaurusRex · September 2016

Like others, I can understand being slightly disappointed.

Depressed about it? That's extreme and I hope your kid never finds out that the fact he has a penis put you in such a state.

Xstatic3333 · September 2016

I maintain that the timing of this thread was massively inappropriate and it is my hope that it falls down the board quickly so that our loss moms who come back to visit or lurk aren't hurt by it.

apbauer0615 · September 2016

Depressed was prob the wrong word. Dissapointed & a little sad about it

apbauer0615 · September 2016

I didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone with my issue. I'm truly sorry that anyone had to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, child, or csn't concieve at all. But I still feel I have the right to be upset with my stuff and didn't expect people to be harsh about it. My SIL just had a misscarriage & she appoligized to me saying I know you were hoping for a boy. It's all pain. Yes way different levels obviously but my dissapointment is still a real feeling

Gingersnap · September 2016

If nobody can comment on this thread, that would be great.

OP, I'm sorry you are disappointed but you posted this right under a Mamas second late loss, and we really want this thread off the main page.

Gingersnap · September 2016

**Removed for TOU violation**

BumpasaurusRex · September 2016

apbauer0615 said:

I didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone with my issue. I'm truly sorry that anyone had to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, child, or csn't concieve at all. But I still feel I have the right to be upset with my stuff and didn't expect people to be harsh about it. My SIL just had a misscarriage & she appoligized to me saying I know you were hoping for a boy. It's all pain. Yes way different levels obviously but my dissapointment is still a real feeling

Well, just when I thought someone couldn't be more self-absorbed, you go and post this.

I'm sorry you're all boo-hoo that your baby isn't what you wanted him to be. You should feel lucky that you're having a baby at all.

Get over it.

mrslittlemac · September 2016

The shock of having a thread detailing one of our regulars, who's been with us from the beginning building relationships with us, completely lose her much-wanted rainbow baby, right next to someone who is depressed because they didn't get the sex they wanted, was too much for many of us. I don't believe the ladies here were harsh, I believe they expressed themselves with restraint and compassion. Believe me, those situations are not on the same level at all and while it may have been a case of poor timing, many of us have a very hard time showing sympathy for someone depressed over sex given the backgrounds of many of our members, and especially for the losses a few of our regulars have recently experienced. They are still part of this community and it can be a huge slap in the face to them, for someone to compare their pain to that of not getting the right genitals between their baby's legs. So. Your feeling is real to you, and that's valid in its own right. But to compare it to a loss, especially a concurrent loss, is so uncouth.

@Gingersnap sorry I posted this before I saw your reply, I know we all sort of wanted this one in the fields with the tumbleweeds but I felt compelled to respond. Emotions are running high at the moment.

Xstatic3333 · September 2016

Since bumping this down isn't working you're going to hear my thoughts now too. What you basically did is walk into a room of people who have known each other for quite a while and really like each other, who had just heard a kind, friendly, supportive group member say that she lost her baby, and complain about the type of genitalia that yours has without getting to know us AT ALL. This is not defensible. Read the damn room. We are friendly and we give a ton of support but this was extremely rude. Your initial post could be maybe forgivable if you'd taken my initial polite warning and stepped back, but defending it is not defensible in any way. Take a look at yourself and reevaluate how you interact with others, please.

fourPsinapod · September 2016

There are so many people who would love to take your baby for you and love it unconditionally.. so many of us here have had losses (specifically a really active and beloved member just recently whom we all love and respected) and this is just really insensitive. I hope your child never feels "less than" because of their sex. A child is never a disappointment.

WinchesterGirl · September 2016

OP, until that last comment of yours, no one was harsh. In fact many people were kind and supportive, and tried to help you process your feelings. Your attitude now comes off as selfish. No one said your feelings weren't valid, and the fact that your SIL has also experienced a loss has no bearing on the losses experienced in this community. I'm sorry to hear about your sister in law, for what it's worth.

As my father told me many times as a child, if ever you are feeling sorry for yourself, that is the time to look around and see that someone else is always dealing with something worse. Perspective is important, and we should all be thankful for what we have.

Gingersnap · September 2016

Also your poor SIL. I can't believe you expressed gender dissapoinment to a woman who just had a miscarriage.
What a rotten peach you are.

scifichick09 · September 2016

@Gingersnap I thought the same thing. I would have lost my shit if someone said that to me after my miscarriage. Not cool.

mrslittlemac · September 2016

^^yeah. Sounds like her SIL has much more grace than I would've in that scenario.

AliJorgensen29 · September 2016

Please make sure you talk to your doctor, OB or MW about how you are feeling, and don't be afraid to talk to them about it.

Just because your not having a girl doesn't mean you can't have a great son-mother relationship. It's based on your bond, not your genitals.

Definitely agree, the timing of this post was awful.

Sarah1253 · September 2016

Little boys are awesome! They love their Moms so much. I have a boy and would be thrilled to have another. I feel very blessed that I truly wouldn't care if I have a boy or girl I'm just excited about another baby. It took us 4 years to conceive our first and 3 months for this one. Just think of all the people who want children but can't have them.

I dont think you are a bad person for being disappointed but think of all the positives. Your little boy and you can have just as close of a relationship as you and your mom did.

Congratulations on your baby

blush64 · September 2016

Everyone was really polite, even when reminding you to keep things in perspective. I don't understand the level of sympathy you wanted. You wanted pages of kind words to make you feel better about having a healthy baby?

I don't actually recognize you. I am not familiar with everyone but have you even given support to others here?

The first time you complained about not receiving enough sympathy I thought it was ridiculous but to come back again is beyond belief.

tripledaggerWed95976 · September 2016

apbauer0615 said:

I didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone with my issue. I'm truly sorry that anyone had to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, child, or csn't concieve at all. But I still feel I have the right to be upset with my stuff and didn't expect people to be harsh about it. My SIL just had a misscarriage & she appoligized to me saying I know you were hoping for a boy. It's all pain. Yes way different levels obviously but my dissapointment is still a real feeling

**lurking from TTGP**
You told a woman who JUST miscarried that you're disappointed that you are having a boy?
wow.....

Gingersnap · September 2016

Can I just say that I'm loving all the love from the TTGP ladies?

scifichick09 · September 2016

You know what, every time I see this I just get more pissed off. I can not believe you told your SIL you were upset about the gender after she JUST had a miscarriage. Do you even understand how horrible that is? My sister said some pretty insensitive things to me after mine, and while none were as bad as that, each little comment she made cut deep and I went home and cried a lot because of it. I am so sorry for your SIL that she had to sit there and listen to you say that. I just can't even express in words how pissed I am about this.

edit: because my angry gif didn't post.

apbauer0615 · September 2016

1 I wasn't comparing the situations at all. Obviously a loss of a child is 1000 times greater than what I'm going through.
2 I did not see her post before I made my post
3 you act like I'm writing on her thread about my situation
4 I didn't express any upset feelings in front of my sister-in-law. She was there when I found out my ginger and the first words out of her mouth were I'm sorry I know you were hoping for a girl and I said it's OK don't worry about it I'm happy to have a healthy child.
5. I thought I could come here to express my feelings and not get bombarded with cyber bullying. There was some of you with helpful comments and I appreciate you for that.

fourPsinapod · September 2016

apbauer0615 said:

1 I wasn't comparing the situations at all. Obviously a loss of a child is 1000 times greater than what I'm going through.
2 I did not see her post before I made my post
3 you act like I'm writing on her thread about my situation
4 I didn't express any upset feelings in front of my sister-in-law. She was there when I found out my ginger and the first words out of her mouth were I'm sorry I know you were hoping for a girl and I said it's OK don't worry about it I'm happy to have a healthy child.
5. I thought I could come here to express my feelings and not get bombarded with cyber bullying. There was some of you with helpful comments and I appreciate you for that.

"Cyber bullying"

I can't.. I just can't even.

srscott3 · September 2016

And yet again..you keep defending yourself. YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.

also, watch what you say about cyber bullying. That shit doesn't fly here.

scifichick09 · September 2016

Here we go with the cyber bullying again.

Xstatic3333 · September 2016

This is a community where you give support to get support. Your thread does not exist in a vacuum. If you'd just said "oh I'm sorry I didn't realize" and taken your first round of good suggestions everything would have been FINE. Defending it shows a huge lack of empathy and is what really got us mad.

joyful08 · September 2016

I can't even. OP just stop so this can go away. We were nice to you and then pointed out that it wasn't a good time to talk about this right now. Then you insisted on making it worse. Just stop.

apbauer0615 · September 2016

Sorry not cyber bullying just a group of people ganging up on 1 person over the internet. My mistake

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