Unhelpful DH

wildtot · August 2016

So this is more of a vent, but I would gladly take any advice from any one at this point. Some quick back ground....I went though some PPD and seeked help at 6 weeks when I literally said I didn't want my baby - It was all so much to take in and blame my husband for being part of the problem. I was on bedrest for 75% of my pregnancy (disability for 3 months). My husband of course had to do most of the house work and drive me around when needed. I then had a c section (planned) and then more recovery time. At this point my DH decided it was time for him to have some "him" time and I am now able to go back to normal (pre-pregnancy). I was left alone (while recovering) with LO who has a bad case of reflux. His logic was "what are you going to do when I go back to work?" So any ways. I started seeing a therapist and he maybe went to 2 sessions. We did talk but it was mostly me. I recently decided to stop going because I felt better about myself and LO...but my relationship with my DH still remains rocky. So LO is now 19 weeks and I am still waiting on DH to be more supportive and helpful with LO. I work full time, I wake up early to get LO ready for daycare - take him and pick him up each day. I do most of the house work. I don't cook because I don't have time - so no one cooks really. I have to ask my DH if its ok to shower because LO is calmly in his swing. Many time he has asked me to put him down for a nap before showering because I do it better. We take turns to put LO to bed and the other will do the night feeding. Well now that LO is back to every 3-4 hours its mostly me regardless. LO surprisingly starting nursing at 14 weeks, so now DH says why I don't just nurse him all night and put him to sleep since he fall asleep afterwards. Uh NO! When its his turn to do the night feeding, I have to wake him and even then it takes him 10-30 mins actually wake and feed him. In the mean time I am getting frustrated and LO is starting to fuss and cry. Half the time he asks me if I got the bottle ready for him...Ugh no! Its your turn - I get the bottle ready when I have to feed him. His alarm goes off every 10 mins for about 30 mins before he gets up for work. I have to nudge him because he will sleep through it then he gets mad at me for it. His alarm is loud and LO just fell back to sleep most of the time. Then talk about being super loud getting ready for work. He gets to sleep in when ever he doesn't work. I have mentioned multiple times that it would be nice if he can take LO out to the living room when he wakes early every now and then so I can catch some zzz. All he does is bring LO to bed with us and he falls back to sleep.

Ugh I am so frustrated and tired of his crap. Why should I ask him to "help"? Why should I have to keep waking him up and deal with his complaining when we agreed to something? Why is his sleep more valuable than mine? We both work yet I do most of everything with LO. Idk what else to say or do. Sometimes I think I should just suck it up and stop fighting over it because he won't change. But why let him win like that? Its his child too! Its so bad that if DH yells at me in front of LO, LO goes crazy crying! It so sad. He curses at me all the time too. I have dreams of getting a divorce! We have only been married a year and a half. We haven't had sex once since LO was born and have only had sex once since he was conceived. I am too tired and disappointed in him that I just don't want to be intimate. Lets alone my numb area from the c section still weirds me out!

Idk what to do any more. Suck it up? Keep speaking up? I do everything I can to ensure that LO is happy and taken care of even if it means not sleeping and not being happy myself. I truly expected more from my DH. He said he expected me to be different too - meaning not depressed. Hes all great in front of ppl but alone its all me me for the most part. He won't change a diaper at night because "i do it better in the dark".

I just read an article about dads being praised for "helping" and just bothered me. I brought it up to DH and he said "oh thanks for making me sound shitty"....ugh I said no....but hey if that's what will light a fire under your ass to do stuff then yes why not...you are shitty at times!

Sorry for the long rant.

Edited to add more...

yodiggity · August 2016

I don't know what to say except stop asking him to "help" you and treat him like it's his job to co-parent.

I will say my SO and I have these arguments from time to time because sometimes I do feel like I am 'asking' his help when he should just be doing things. BUT I have to remember that he can't read my mind. Also, some of the things I've gotten mad at him for not doing, I've been doing all along and to him it's oure routine.

For instance, most of the 'putting' to sleep is done by me and it's mostly because I am better at it but also, I prefer it. Especially now that I am back to work because I don't get as much time. So on the nights that I need him to do it, I tell him instead of expecting him to know that it's what I want.

wildtot · August 2016

I am very vocal of what LO needs, what I need, and what we need. Even I am not saying "help me" I will say what needs to be done out loud. There is rarely any action from him or offers to do it. Instead he will say...why don't you do it this way or some other comment that has to do with ME doing it. Its just so frustrating with him. I get that somethings just come naturally for me since I was alone with LO much longer but he needs to try! I clear the air before we go to bed who will put LO to bed and who will get up at night to feed, and we'll be in agreement until the feeding...I finally told him yesterday that I will do dishes Mon-Thurs while I work and he will do them Fri-Sun since he doesn't work. He will let me sleep in ever Saturday meaning he will take LO out of the room and spend time with him (feed him). We will see how that goes this week...

Missingchampagne · August 2016

Knottie2891384 said:

I am very vocal of what LO needs, what I need, and what we need. Even I am not saying "help me" I will say what needs to be done out loud. There is rarely any action from him or offers to do it. Instead he will say...why don't you do it this way or some other comment that has to do with ME doing it. Its just so frustrating with him. I get that somethings just come naturally for me since I was alone with LO much longer but he needs to try! I clear the air before we go to bed who will put LO to bed and who will get up at night to feed, and we'll be in agreement until the feeding...I finally told him yesterday that I will do dishes Mon-Thurs while I work and he will do them Fri-Sun since he doesn't work. He will let me sleep in ever Saturday meaning he will take LO out of the room and spend time with him (feed him). We will see how that goes this week...

I think you're on the right track with spelling out an exact structure. Yes, life (particularly life with a baby) is unpredictable - but men can be SO difficult that sometimes it's easiest to just slap a big calendar on the wall with chores written on it, and names assigned to each one. My husband is very visual and sometimes doesn't understand how much I take on until I lay it out for him in a list like that. If he sees a list of household and baby duties and understands that I'm doing items 1-10, he will be a lot more receptive to handling 11-20.

lreni529 · August 2016

DH and I got into these arguments too once I went back to work. He wanted me to just do things because I did them better, It took for him to be home by himself with DD for a full 24 hours to realize how difficult it is for one person to keep DD happy and keep up on the housework. After that first night by himself he really did a 180 and understands where I was coming from now.

loveymay · August 2016

DH has no choice but to step up because of pur work schedules. He works normal fay hoirs, I work midnights. So rught now we only see each other in passing, and he has to do baby duty on his own at night. But I still end up doing more of the workload. And Im suffering with PPD as well, so everything seems more difficult than it probably should. I work full time too and because of my schedule, I have no down time. He at least has down time after LO goes to bed at night. Im burning out quickly and Idk what to do. I've talked to him about me becoming a sahm but he isnt receptive of the idea. I'll be honest, sometimes I wish it was just me and LO and we could escape this reality and go love in a world that isnt so hectic and hard and Im not sleep deprived all the time with no help (that is the PPD talking).I wish my DH was more understanding and would step up more to help me. Sorry I dont have any advice, but you arent the only one feeling frustrated!

loveymay · August 2016

Wow sorry for the typos! It wont let me go in and edit my comment.

AGK2015 · August 2016

This may sound harsh, so please forgive me, but if you're in a relationship where you're being yelled at and cursed at in front of your child, and where you can't get the help you need to take care of your LO, and where your partner is uninterested in taking steps to fix the problems you're having, and where you are willing to acknowledge that somewhere in your brain the big D word is rolling around, it may not be a bad idea to consider what you'd need in order to make that happen (if it comes to that). You can't force him to change, but you may be another to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

So, my advice to you: Start setting aside some money in a place where he can't reach it (if you don't have an account of your own, open one). Do a little research on what it would cost to rent in your area, or what it would cost to buy a plane ticket to somewhere you could stay with friends or family. If you're not working outside the home, maybe see about picking up a side gig (online transcription, or selling LuLa Roe or something) so you have your own income stream. If you've got a family member or friend you can trust, consider confiding in them. If not, now is the time to do what you can to build/rebuild those relationships, so you're not isolated in a time of need. Hopefully things will get better and you'll never need a backup plan, but whether it's Husband-is-an-Asshole insurance or Husband-Loses-His-Job insurance or Buy-Awesome-Husband-a-Kickass-25th-Anniversary-Gift insurance, it's never a bad thing to have.

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · August 2016

It sounds like your relationship needs work, that this is really a problem beyond your DH being "unhelpful." I would echo what previous posters have said, talk to a friend/family member and figure out what can be done to make your marriage a healthy one. You may want to consider marriage counseling, a professional is going to be able to offer so much more than any of us can on the internet.

If your DH is not willing to commit to making your relationship healthy and raising a child you may have to figure out what to do to make sure you and and your child are in a safe environment (a parent cursing at the other parent in front of a child does not exactly sound safe).

wildtot · August 2016

So we tired some counseling but he didn't see any benefit from it. A few months ago we decided to relocate to Denver from California in October because of the cost of living here. I will be working out of a different office and he needs to find a new job. I make most of the cheddar so that's no problem but we just bought a house too. We are moving away from both of our families. I will only know my coworkers. There is so much going on and I'm sure that's added stress to our relationship but that's beside the point of not being helpful. I am going on a business trip for one night pretty soon so I hope this will be a good chance for DH to realize how much it takes out of one person to do it all- except he's still taking a day off. I've reached out to his mom but all she said was that I need to pick my battles and the mom always does more. My aunt said that sometimes I just have to suck it up. There is no respect or manners. Last night he started kicking at the bed while feeding LO and yelling at me "are you listening to me". I won't stand for this!

Sarcasm101 · August 2016

AGK2015 said:

This may sound harsh, so please forgive me, but if you're in a relationship where you're being yelled at and cursed at in front of your child, and where you can't get the help you need to take care of your LO, and where your partner is uninterested in taking steps to fix the problems you're having, and where you are willing to acknowledge that somewhere in your brain the big D word is rolling around, it may not be a bad idea to consider what you'd need in order to make that happen (if it comes to that). You can't force him to change, but you may be another to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

So, my advice to you: Start setting aside some money in a place where he can't reach it (if you don't have an account of your own, open one). Do a little research on what it would cost to rent in your area, or what it would cost to buy a plane ticket to somewhere you could stay with friends or family. If you're not working outside the home, maybe see about picking up a side gig (online transcription, or selling LuLa Roe or something) so you have your own income stream. If you've got a family member or friend you can trust, consider confiding in them. If not, now is the time to do what you can to build/rebuild those relationships, so you're not isolated in a time of need. Hopefully things will get better and you'll never need a backup plan, but whether it's Husband-is-an-Asshole insurance or Husband-Loses-His-Job insurance or Buy-Awesome-Husband-a-Kickass-25th-Anniversary-Gift insurance, it's never a bad thing to have.

All of this.

It sounds like you have two children. Talk to your H. Outline what you need from him. Give him some time to adjust his actions and behaviors. If he doesn't start to improve, you need to decide if this is the type of life you want for yourself and your LO.

If he says "you do it better, so you should just do XYZ," Remind him that you are "so good at it" because you have had to do the XYZ so many time. And if he did XYZ more, he would be good at it also.

wildtot · August 2016

Thanks ladies! I really appreciate all your comments. This is defiantly not how I want to live my life or raise LO.

yodiggity · August 2016

Knottie2891384 said:

So we tired some counseling but he didn't see any benefit from it. A few months ago we decided to relocate to Denver from California in October because of the cost of living here. I will be working out of a different office and he needs to find a new job. I make most of the cheddar so that's no problem but we just bought a house too. We are moving away from both of our families. I will only know my coworkers. There is so much going on and I'm sure that's added stress to our relationship but that's beside the point of not being helpful. I am going on a business trip for one night pretty soon so I hope this will be a good chance for DH to realize how much it takes out of one person to do it all- except he's still taking a day off. I've reached out to his mom but all she said was that I need to pick my battles and the mom always does more. My aunt said that sometimes I just have to suck it up. There is no respect or manners. Last night he started kicking at the bed while feeding LO and yelling at me "are you listening to me". I won't stand for this!

Uh, no.This is unacceptable.

Everything you have described sounds like abusive behavior. Moving to another state, alienating yourself from support, sounds dangerous.

Sarcasm101 · August 2016

I didn't see your most recent comment. But i would seriously reconsider moving away from your support system. It sounds like you need them now more than ever. I would avoid taking about these issue with his mom as she might be more inclined to side with her son.

Why are you moving? Is there a reason you cant stay in CA and have H look for a new job there? Where did you buy your new house? In Colorado or CA?

AGK2015 · August 2016

Knottie2891384 said:

So we tired some counseling but he didn't see any benefit from it. A few months ago we decided to relocate to Denver from California in October because of the cost of living here. I will be working out of a different office and he needs to find a new job. I make most of the cheddar so that's no problem but we just bought a house too. We are moving away from both of our families. I will only know my coworkers. There is so much going on and I'm sure that's added stress to our relationship but that's beside the point of not being helpful. I am going on a business trip for one night pretty soon so I hope this will be a good chance for DH to realize how much it takes out of one person to do it all- except he's still taking a day off. I've reached out to his mom but all she said was that I need to pick my battles and the mom always does more. My aunt said that sometimes I just have to suck it up. There is no respect or manners. Last night he started kicking at the bed while feeding LO and yelling at me "are you listening to me". I won't stand for this!

WHOA. NOT okay, NOT normal, and this has me more worried than anything you've said yet. I'm glad you follow up with "I won't stand for this," because physical aggression is never, ever, ever acceptable in a relationship (and that includes physical aggression towards you OR an attempt to intimidate you via a show of force towards inanimate objects in your presence). If you were my little sister and you told me that your husband did that, even if I'd always liked him and he'd always been a great guy in my presence, my advice would be "Leave now." If you were my best friend and you told me your boyfriend did that, even if I thought you guys were perfect together, my advice would be "Leave now." So even though you're an internet stranger and I have no further information than what you've told me about your husband, consider this the moment that my advice shifts from "Maybe get ready in case you need to leave him" to "Girl, get out ASAP." A guy like that may get better temporarily (in fact, he probably will!), but he'll fall into the exact same pattern (or worse) again, because abuse is a cycle, and attempting to physically harm or intimidate your partner is absolutely 100% abusive bullshit.

wildtot · August 2016

We bought a house in Denver and it's being built right now. I can't back down or else we lose money we put down. We decided to relocate because I have better opportunities with my job there, DH needed a fresh start with work, and we wanted a better place to raise LO and we can afford housing. He's been looking for jobs here for over a year but not much for his trade here. CO has more to offer for him. I'm not dependent on my family for support or anyone really. We live far from our families so it's not like we get their help. I did tell him he's being abusive even though it's not physical. And he said he didn't realize he was being that. I told him that we need to work as a team for LO first then we can work on us. For now things need to chill between us.

wildtot · August 2016

He's never been like this ever. I understand that he is stressed because he hates his job, but he doesn't seem to understand that I am just as stressed. I do sooooo much and yes maybe I do have an attitude some times, but I am just exhausted and not up to be messed with or play around. I just want to do what needs to be done and relax. I rarely ever yell. My tone might be different but I don't yell and curse at him like he does. He's usually the type to do something that upsets me or hurts my feelings and then apologizes the next day or after a few hours. But that happens way to frequently that it makes me wonder if he really does mean it...since it will happen again. He has never really physically hurt me but his verbal manners are not acceptable to me. I don't want our son to grow up thinking its ok to yell or curse as a girl or even me. If he can just realize that I need more of his help and actually do it then I can relax more, be less stressed and be happier. I then would not have an attitude and maybe start showing more affection to him. But he needs to stop with his own BS too. I keep telling him that if this does not get resolved soon we will not make it. I think a lot of it falls in his court to change and I wish he would just realize it and do it.

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · August 2016

Your DH should never abuse you, verbally or physically. From all you have said about him it sounds like he IS verbally abusive but as long as he apologizes you are ok with it. STOP being ok with it. If he is really trying to change he would be wanting to go to counseling with you and really work on your marriage and learning how to be a better parent.

Just remember YOU can't change someone. It sounds like you are in a really stressful situation and yes, it would be nice if DH could realize you need help with the baby but you can't MAKE him do anything. You can only change the situation for yourself and your LO.

redselig · August 2016

There is comfort in anonymity but maybe it's time you have a heart to heart with a dear and sensible friend who knows you and your DH. *hugs*

wildtot · August 2016

I always told him that I was never going to force him into anything and counseling was one thing. Just like you say I can't change him or make him do anything I don't try. I'm not okay with his apologies and I always remain him that he keeps doing it and not learning from it. I'm pretty vocal (not abusive tho) about how I feel and think. I will still move as I was able to get the house with my own income and he can either stay or come depending on how he changes- if any. Remind him that I married him but don't need him to survive and the door always there but he isn't taking LO.

AmadorRose · August 2016

I can't add much to this conversation, but I will offer my personal experience: my ex cheated on me with numerous women, followed me to see if I was going where I said I was (work), tore me down to nothing emotionally, and fueled my serious alcohol problem until I worked up the courage to divorce him. He stole $20,000 from our bank account, took all of our household items (that I paid for because he didn't have a job) while I was deployed) and took $860 from me every month for nine months, until the divorce was final. I went nearly $8k into debt during the process...and I don't regret a single thing. Money and things are replaceable, but you and your child are not. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass but if he doesn't, good luck. My divorce is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, right after my husband and our daughter.

ivyvines6 · August 2016

There isn't much I can add to this conversation other than share a little bit of my personal history with my ex. Your husband honestly reminds me of him with the things he says to you and then apologizes over. In my experience that will stop eventually and it will really be your fault for making him angry in the first place...

My ex literally took me down to bottom of my being and broke every bit of me into pieces that he could with nothing but words. The only actions he ever used were to refuse to have sex with me and act like there was always something wrong with me for wanting it. I worked two jobs while he didn't work at all and he used the excuse that since he paid for our food with food stamps he shouldn't have to contribute monetarily. He also refused to clean the house or do the laundry or dishes, and wouldn't cook because "I did it better" than he did. So he did nothing but play video games. Any time I tried to stand up for myself or tell him anything that bothered me in the relationship I was accosted with a constant barrage of being told how selfish I was and that he was doing everything he could to make our relationship work because I was a horrible girlfriend when he was still recovering from his divorce and it hurt too much to deal with my bullshit. This went on for just over a year.

The final straw ended up being us getting into yet another fight because he made a giant mess in the kitchen after I had cleaned after working both jobs the same day AND he wouldn't kiss me that day saying that I was a slut for needing things like that to feel validated. I flat out told him that I completely understand now why B---- left you. He went to hit me, which I dodged. (Still surprised by that) It was that point when I knew I needed to get out, but I didn't for a while because he apologized for the first time in months and started pretending like things would be different. They weren't. He cleaned up a few times but made a point to tell me how horrible he is at cleaning and said it would just be better if I went back to doing it.

I met my now fiancé about a month after mine and my ex's 1 year anniversary and we started hanging out more behind his back. I left him in the middle of the night without warning. He burned a lot of my things that I had left there from the first trip and threatened to kill my cat.

The best thing I have ever done in my life was leave that man. I know I've posted some things on here in the past about my fiancé and how frustrating he is, but at the core of everything he is a good man, and would never do anything to damage me or our child emotionally, spiritually, or physically. It took years of not being my ex to realize how broken he'd actually made me while we were together because it happened slowly, over time.

I hope you are starting to either look at who your husband is at his core versus who he wants you to think he is. If he is a good man with some issues then you both need help to guide this relationship in a healthy direction. If you don't know that you really feel that way then you should do what you know will be best for your LO. It is not your job to fix your husband, it is your job to stand by him if he is actually willing to work on himself. If he isn't willing to do that then it isn't going to change, and I'm sure you don't want this to continue for the rest of your life.

bean_2016 · August 2016

@AmadorRose and @Knottie9983816
thank you for sharing your stories. It's not always an easy thing to talk about but by sharing your experiences you could really be helping someone. You both are very smart, strong women.

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