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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
[Old Thread]Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.23
dmontgo
member
What is your family doing this week that is making you contemplate creating a secret identity and disappearing?
Bonus: Take 30 minutes this week to give yourself some self-care. It could be 5 minutes here or there during the day, or 10 minutes before bed time--or more time if you can. Take some time to reflect on your feelings, meditate, eat a warm cookie, take a hot bath...whatever it is that recharges you and makes you feel positive about yourself and any tasks you need to do. Doesn't need to be elaborate, but make sure to take a little time for yourself.
Bonus: Take 30 minutes this week to give yourself some self-care. It could be 5 minutes here or there during the day, or 10 minutes before bed time--or more time if you can. Take some time to reflect on your feelings, meditate, eat a warm cookie, take a hot bath...whatever it is that recharges you and makes you feel positive about yourself and any tasks you need to do. Doesn't need to be elaborate, but make sure to take a little time for yourself.
Re: [Old Thread]Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.23
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@dmontgo is there a fun story about why you don't like monkeys, or is it just for the same reason I don't like clowns...they are creepy.
@phoenix870509 I hope your uncle surprises you. This is not the time for you to be stressing yourself going out of your comfort zone. Why spend time with someone who didn't even congratulate you on your wedding?
Married Jan 2008
DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18"
Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020
Well, we haven't seen nor talked to FI's parents since the last time we were there and all hell broke loose. His mom texted him today asking if he could come over so they could talk about some things. The whole text was really ambiguous but it made FI try to convince me to go with him because he thought maybe they were trying to apologize/repair their relationship with me. I could tell it meant a lot to him; he wouldn't have asked me to go if he didn't think it was a good idea. He texted her back and said, "Yeah, we'll be over there later on." Well then his mom texts back and says, "Oh, no, we just wanted to see you by yourself."
Well, okay. I don't want to draw any conclusions about why they don't want me there, but I honestly don't know what they would have to say to him that couldn't be said in front of me. We don't keep secrets from each other like that, so I know I'll find out if they said anything. FI really wants to give them the benefit of the doubt, and I totally support him doing that, I just hope they aren't calling him over there to say anything bad about me because while I really don't care what their opinion of me is, it's really crummy to talk about somebody when they aren't there to defend themselves.
my parents still project their relationship dynamics on dh and I which is totally unhelpful. Dh and I truly operate as a team. They do not.
She doesn't see it that way. Her problem is that she takes care of babies in her home for a living, and I think she does a damn good job of it. But if there's anything she wouldn't do in her daycare, she thinks that no one should do it because it makes them a bad parent. So she yells at me and belittles me *only* (even though these are choices FI and I have made together) simply because we want to do things differently. I always compare her lack of support to my own mother, because I was blessed with an awesome mom. I know not everyone is and I realize how lucky I am to have a good relationship with my mom, especially for the sheer fact that I go to her for everything pregnancy related. My mom circumcised my brother, only breastfed for 6 weeks, did disposables, and didn't get to stay home with us. And she was an awesome mom and still is, and even though that's how she raised us, she thinks it's awesome that FI and I want to parent Rhett the way we do even though it's nothing like how she parented me. She loved us and made sure we were healthy and still does, and how she went about doing that doesn't necessarily matter to me. FI and I just have parents that are night and day different. FI's mom even went so far as to say, "Well when he comes and stays with me it'll be a whole different ball game." Blatantly telling us ahead of time that she's not going to respect our choices unless we do things "her way." That's totally not okay. I know FI wants us to all get along, he hates confrontation and conflict and is such a laid back, calm, loving person. I'm not one for drama anyways so I didn't fight with her, I just told her that we are going to parent him whatever way works for us and if they can't respect that then no, he won't be staying with her outside of our supervision. She brought the whole thing up out of the blue so I could tell she wanted a fight, I didn't have the energy to give her one and still don't.
It honestly seems so ridiculous to me that she has to pick a fight over something that may very well change. We don't know who Rhett is or what his personality is or what will work for him or us yet, we just know that we love him and want to keep him safe. And we will do that by parenting him in whatever way works for us. Whether we do any of these things or not, his parents should still respect us Rhett's parents. They are already clearly disrespecting our role as Rhett's parents, and the whole thing is so stupid. Like of all the things to pick a fight like this over, really? There are more important things worth getting your panties in a bunch over. I just don't have the energy to tolerate it, and at this point I have no interest in doing so because they aren't my family. My family has never treated FI this way. Even when FI lost our job and I was the only person working and supporting us, they never talked bad about him or said that I should leave him. FI and I came to the decision together that it made the most financial sense for me to go to school and take care of the baby and for him to go to school and work. His parents have a huge problem with me not working even though FI and I have taken care of our own finances for years; they have never helped him financially since we've been together and while my parents are very supportive, they have three other children, two about to be in college, and they can't afford to help me financially. His parents had no problem with FI not working and me supporting us but when it's the other way around because I am staying home taking care of Rhett and focusing on getting my teaching degree, it's the end of the world.
Sorry this turned into such a rant, if you read all of this you deserve a cookie (or two)! They've honestly been more trouble than having a relationship with them is worth, FI is very much caught in the middle and I feel awful that he gets dragged into this. I've tried to do my part by not bringing it up to him or engaging with them at all, I hope they can respect the position they've put him in and not make things any worse by continuing to put him in the middle of all of this.
It always makes me realize how lucky I am to have great parents and awesome ILs. That being said, my mom and I aren't seeing eye to eye right now on some super minor things but she's making me nuts. This is her first grandbaby, and a girl, so she's over the moon excited. This grandbaby is a long time coming and is already so loved. So the reason my mom is making me crazy : she has several tubs of clothing and blankets, etc from when I was a baby (born in 1979) and she can't understand why I wouldn't want all of it. I do want all the hand knit sweaters and hand made blankets, etc, but the store bought stuff, not so much. And I surely won't be entertaining a guilt trip about wanting new stuff for this baby! My proposal was to keep it at their place since they'll be doing daycare 1 day/ week and live close so we'll be there a lot. It wasn't good enough. I just walked away.
Like me I said, I've got it easy on the family front about 99% of the time so it drives me nuts when there's minor stuff like this.
You're doing the right thing by not engaging them. Be above reproach--they are just looking for you to slip up and be the bad guy. Don't even bother with them. Your FI has to do it. Don't force him to or push him, but he has to.
My SIL has always had a real problem with me not working and how that effects her life only she can tell you. She also has a problem with her step-MIL not working. While it bothers me that someone has an opinion about me that she freely likes to share - as you said - when I'm not there to defend myself, I know that my life isn't her life, my beliefs aren't her beliefs, and my body isn't her body. I'm sure she'll have all sorts of opinions about how I mother this baby, but again, this ain't going to be her baby.
Rhett isn't going to be one of MIL's daycare kids and he isn't going to be her son either. He's a brand new human with unique needs and preferences, and because he's your son, you and FI will adapt and learn those together. It's also bizarre behavior for them to break him away from your family pack - which is what you are even before baby is born - to single him out and put pressure on him to see things their way. It doesn't show respect for you and it doesn't show respect for him as a grown man who can make his own choices.
I'm just going to reiterate again that as a family your standards must always take precedence over the opinions and practices of others and if your in-laws cannot respect that, they are the ones who need to change, and it certainly has no bearing on whether you're making the right choices. However, it could easily have an impact on what kind of relationship they are allowed to have with their grandson because respecting your boundaries is always going to be what's best for your child.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
"Talk to him about how his family makes you feel without setting ultimatums or forcing him to confront them or blaming him. He may not realize how often his family is being assholes towards you, but if you let him know every time they say or write something mean to you, especially on Facebook (where he can see it), it will likely open his eyes more to it--guys can be oblivious. If he grew up around that behavior like I did, he kind of learns to let it slide and most likely doesn't realize how much their comments hurt you. Keep the lines of communication open between you, and just know it may take some time for him to grow some balls to step up to his family. It took me a lot longer than it should have--but eventually he will when he realizes that you are your own family unit now and you have to be the priority. Be patient and supportive but communicative--let him take that step without pressure. It can backfire if you push too hard."
It's a super shitty situation, but know you aren't alone. It took DH 3.5 years to do it...hopefully it won't take that long for your FI. I hope that helped some. Dude advice FTW.
As far as him confronting them, I've told him that I can stand up for myself so I don't really need anyone to do that for me, but that they won't start respecting him as the head of our household until he "lays down the law" so to speak. I support him dealing with them however he needs to because ultimately, they are his family and anything that's going to be said to them needs to be said by him. That being said, it's not something we discuss all the time because I know that he knows what he needs to say, but it's one thing to know what he needs to say and another thing to actually confront them. He has to work to that place within himself where he's ready to do that and even if I did push the issue, nothing I could say or do would make him get there any faster. His parents treating me the way they have isn't his fault so I can't take my frustration out on him, that's just not fair.
We are moving about 5.5 hours away from here after the baby is born, and while that has nothing to do with FI's parents, I know they will be upset about it. We made that decision purely because the job market is bigger and we will be living in a small town outside of a big city where our rent will be cheaper and our school tuition will be about 1/3 cheaper. Financially, it makes more sense for us to be there, and my parents and siblings are there which is a plus. We told FI's grandparents about the move today and they didn't really understand it at first but once we explained the tuition differences they were totally on board with us moving. I think they may have called and told FI's parents before he had a chance to tell them, so I think that may be why they want him to come talk to them alone. They will definitely lose their crap over this, and they can't even see beyond themselves to realize that we have a legitimate reason for moving. I'm not afraid of them and would never feel like I had to move across the state because of them. I don't care that much what they think of me to let it bother me to that level. But of course they are going to see it as me taking away their son and their grand baby. They probably think I went and "got myself" pregnant too and that FI had nothing to do with it because he's perfect. *le sigh* It may get worse before it gets better but FI and I are a solid team, I think we can handle anything that hits us at this point. I definitely lucked out to have such a supportive partner and I have a lot to be thankful for, despite the other minor irritations.
ETA: When I said school would be 1/3 cheaper, just wanted to clarify that I mean our new tuition will be 1/3 of what our current tuition is. I mean I'm no math major but at the new school we will pay $90/credit hour vs. $250/credit hour. Less debt for the same exact degrees that we're working towards now, he is going for his IT degree and I am going for teaching. Definitely beneficial for us to make the move ASAP, I hope FI's parents won't give him too much crap about it if they can understand the actual reasons why we're moving.
@phoenix870509 I'm so glad to hear he responded like that!!! Hope you can let everyone know how it goes.
I feel pretty petty complaining about this, but need somewhere to vent so I don't make DH's day any worse, so here it goes. Trying to not share 4 years of backstory, I'll start by saying that my BIL and his wife have created a very uncomfortable situation in my husband's family in which they are the center of the universe, everyone must do everything according to their desires/timetables/etc., or risk The Wrath of God. Unfortunately, my MIL has totally given in to this and holds the entire rest of the family hostage, saying things like my BIL's child "needs her" and they'll "take him away from me if I upset them," and other ridiculous nonsense. My husband has flat out told her she is risking alienating the entire rest of his family if this continues, but apparently that's not going to make a difference.
This is our first child, and one that we have waited for for years, so we are super excited as any expectant parents would be. Some lovely, old friends of my family have offered to throw a baby shower for me, and simultaneously throw a little "guy's shower" for DH. I love these people.
Anyway. When we first found out they were throwing us the showers, DH called his Mom and said it would be sometime in October. She told his BIL, who said they wanted to throw one of their kid's bday parties in October as well, but they didn't have a date. 2 days later, DH gave his Mom the actual date for our shower, which she then told my BIL so we didn't have a conflict. I get home from work today, and DH is in a mood like I've never seen. Apparently BIL called my MIL today and said they were going to have the bday party on the day of our shower, and that DH's parents better be there. For some unknown (to me) reason, DH's Mom seriously is now trying to (1) find out what time our showers are so she and my FIL can also go to BIL's kid's party, and/or (2) say my FIL can't go to DH's shower and has to go to bday party instead. All so she can, and I quote, "Keep from making him mad," and this is all just "too much for her to handle."
Holy hell this turned into a long rant, sorry, but I'm really pissed. I'm so tired of my poor husband being treated like second class in his own family because his brother is a self-centered ass and his Mom isn't enough of an adult to do anything about it.
Your MIL and FIL are shooting themselves in the foot by bending over backwards for BIL--in the end they will simply have a strained relationship with one set of grandkids, and barely have a relationship with your child.
No advice I can give, but boundaries are always a good start. Considering your DH has already told his mom what the consequences of her not having a backbone are (family alienation), it may be time to be a bit more firm. Your DH being treated as a second-class citizen will become your child treated that way too, sadly. I hope everything works out for you soon. Very frustrating!
Sounds like the move after the baby will be a healthy change for you guys. Sometimes I envy my brother who moved his family hundreds of miles away haha
anyway, keep us posted on how FIs conversation with them goes!
Well, okay, but we don't have to talk about the baby if they wouldn't bring it up! The baby was still a pretty central part of their conversation because the main reason FI is going back to school is because he wants Rhett to be proud of him and he wants a better job to provide for Rhett. We are moving ultimately because it benefits our family which Rhett is a huge part of, obviously.
I told FI my concerns about them not respecting us as a family and how them intentionally leaving me out of last night hurts even more if there wasn't a real reason for me to not be there. At this point, it's not worth my time to worry about. All it does is stress me out, and Rhett definitely deserves better. I think the move will be really healthy in setting some boundaries, so until then I'm just going to focus my energy on school and having a healthy pregnancy. December 1 (our scheduled C date) is going to come quickly, so I need to be on track with school and keeping myself physically/emotionally healthy for Rhett's arrival. As stressed out as I've been, I have a lot to look forward to and I can't let one bump in the road stop me.
I feel like my gripe is so minor compared to what some of you ladies deal with. Over the past few weeks we've painted and started getting furniture in the nursery. My mom stops by to see it and her first reaction to the paint is "how boring". It's painted light tan with a green accent wall. Then she moves to the next thing "I really hope it's a boy because these patterns aren't cute at all" as she's referring to our bedding which is owls and chevron. And it still doesn't stop. "These are all boy colors" referring to green, orange, and blue. WTF are boy vs girl colors?! I feel like she has to make things unpleasant and show her distaste for things simply because she's mad we aren't finding out and it's really aggravating me. On top of being so negative about everything she constantly refers to our child as a boy because that's what she's determined it is. Like I said, we aren't finding out and it drives me insane! I'll say something and say "the baby" or "it" or "they" and she'll stop to correct me and tell me to use "him" etc. So yeah, that's my boring and mild complaint.
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
I hate that your mom is acting like that. Some people really are too stubborn to see past the fact that it is not their child, not their choice. I wonder how she'll feel if she acts like this now and baby ends up being a girl? Before we knew what we were having it really bothered me for other people to tell me what gender they wanted our baby to be, so I get it. I think just because we know we'll love our babies no matter who they are or what's between their legs, so it's like why does it matter to anybody else?
Next summer, one of my very best friends is getting married on the opposite coast during the time period we'd be on vacation, so I let my mom know right away that we won't be going next year since a) it's one of my BFFs and b) I'm a bridesmaid. She is obsessed with finding a way to get the grandkids up there anyway, from "I could meet you half way and pick them up" to "you could bring them up to us and fly out of here." Or...how about we skip a year? You can invite your cousins like you always talk about? We'll come visit you at a different time? Why would I drive up north (with limited airport/flight options) from the Mid-Atlantic (where I live 15 minutes from BWI and an hour or so away from 2 other huge airports?) just to fly to California? Not to mention we have shared custody of the other kids (one of them is my step-daughter, not even sure her mom would let her go without us) so we'd be using OUR vacation time with them to ship them up to you...and you want to take Bodhi, who will be approximately 8 months old and still breastfeeding?
And, bottom line, why are we worrying about next August right now? I've got a lot on my to-do list between now and then! Can we prioritize, please?
We're dealing with a completely different situation on my side of the family, but we've each been put in the situation by our respective families of having to be the "bad guy" by being to ones to broach the subject of the bad behavior and receiving the blowback for saying something. Honestly, some of this is on us and has been a long time coming, because we've both acted as the go-with-the-flow peacekeepers within our families forever. But that's being severely taken advantage of now, and if we have to commit the emotional energy to either (a) the (hopefully) more temporary pain of taking the stand with our families, or (b) being treated like this for all of eternity, which would unfortunately include our child, I'm sure you can guess which we will choose.
@ashleaf2018, I'm so sorry y'all are dealing with this, that has to be incredibly uncomfortable for both you and FI, but I'm glad it sounds like he's trying to keep your well being at the top of the priority list.
@l9i that would really upset me!! First of all, your nursery sounds really cute, and second, I would certainly imagine that negative comments (especially from your own mother) would be really aggravating. Sometimes I wonder if a really pointed question is what people need sometimes - i.e., "Are you trying to make a point that you're only interested in your grandchild if it's a boy/girl" or "if he/she is named A or B," etc.
@mrsmerc2015 I don't think that's minor, my family has done something similar to me before and it really caused me a lot of stress. The unreasonable expectation that you will that significantly inconvenience yourself isn't ok. The world will still be standing after that week if you're allowed to be an adult and do what you need to do. And like you said...there's a year between now and next August!
@caseyewhitaker That is just...spectacular. I can't even.
@ALM2016 I've actually said before "Wow, you're going to be really disappointed if it turns out to be a girl". She assured me she still be very excited, she just "knows" it's a boy so why beat around the bush. Part of it is my two half siblings (her step kids) have all girls so I think she does want a boy just for a change. I honestly have no strong feelings as to the gender. I guess I'd lean toward a boy if I had to guess, but part of me thinks it will be a girl just to say HAHA since most everyone thinks it's a boy. I guess we'll see!
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
Kids play with their poop sometimes. They poop in the tub. They don't want to eat anything but cookies for a day or two (hell, my kid ate nothing but cold hotdogs and goldfish dipped in ketchup for dinner for almost a year...he is fine and in perfect health). They go through phases. Like, chill the F out and get off your high horse! Stay strong, mama.
seriously lady shut the eff up.
TTC since June 2015
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