Trigger Warning DH made insensitive comment.

Aussie45 · August 2016

I want to preface this by saying that DH is generally a nice guy. He can sometimes cross into borderline insensitive because he's very sarcastic/likes to tease me. Generally I don't mind, I joke back, or I brush it off by rolling my eyes at him. However, last night we were talking about another health insurance addition we purchased. I asked him if the pregnancy would be covered under the new plan (not our main medical insurance, just an addition that gives money back if you're in the hospital, etc.) and he said it wouldn't. He followed up with, "Maybe we should miscarry this one too & just get pregnant a little bit later on." and then said, "I'm kidding." I feel like in my head the sound of a record noise scratched as I tried to back up and process what he just said. I slowly turned an looked at him and went off. Like full blown, wtaf is wrong with you going off. I rarely get truly mad at him, but I lost it last night. After our miscarriage in September last year, I couldn't possibly believe that he had just said that to me. He knows how hard it was for me. He may not have understood or felt the same way, but he knew how much it hurt me personally. This makes him sounds like a complete dick, which is totally not how he is. A little to on the playful side? Sure. Sometimes annoyingly sarcastic? Yes. He's never said something that hurtful though & he truly meant it as a honest to God joke. He wants this baby & is excited which is what confounds me even more. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Do some guys truly just not 'get it' when it comes to miscarriages? I just feel like for someone who he KNOWS is already nervous about this pregnancy because of what happened last time that he wouldn't say something like that.

I did however spell this shit out for him, that this is something I will never be over, cannot get over, & will never ever fucking ever be able to joke about. Period. I didn't think that that would ever be something I would have to explain...

Gretchypoo · August 2016

@Aussie45 you are NOT overreacting. I hope your Hubs apologized and came home today with flowers. Absolutely not okay.

WinchesterGirl · August 2016

My mouth literally just fell open. I would have been livid too; I do not even have words. I do not think you're overreacting to tell him that is NOT OK and not something to ever joke about.

MrsP052909 · August 2016

I just don't even know what to say, that is NEVER ok to joke about. I'm sorry he was so insensitive...

Aussie45 · August 2016

The craziest part is that he acted like he had no clue why it bothered me so much. He said sorry, but it felt like it was more so the "holy shit she's freaking out on me, I'm gonna say I'm sorry to get off her of my case" kind of sorry. Maybe he didn't mean it that way, but it felt like it didn't really get resolved. It still really stings now, but that might be because I feel like he's not actually sorry for what he said, just how it made me react.

kswiger06 · August 2016

Yes, I agree that was not something to joke about. I'm sure after you getting so upset he must feel guilty for saying anything about it. It's good you were clear that this is something you will never get over, sometimes guys need things spelled out for them, even though it seems obviously unacceptable to us. I'm sorry, that must have really hurt.
Edit: after reading your second comment, it might to a good idea to have a calm talk with him to make sure that he knows that even when it's not a heated moment, it still hurts your feelings and that it's not something you will ever be able to laugh about.

WinchesterGirl · August 2016

That may very well warrant a follow up conversation once you've had time to gather your thoughts. He really needs to understand WHY that is not an ok thing to say.

From my personal experience, my DH obviously was sad about our MC, but it was not on the same emotional level for him. I don't know how else to say it except... if it is not happening in your body, it is not the same. He was more worried for me than focusing on the baby. I was 100% focusing on the loss aspect. It's just different.

Sending creepy Internet hugs your way.

Shawlls · August 2016

You are not at all over-reacting and I'm so sorry he said that to you. Whether his intention was good or not, his words and behaviour were completely reckless, hurtful and a great lack judgement.

I hope you said to him what you wrote to us (which is perfectly said: "He knows how hard it was for me. He may not have understood or felt the same way, but he knew how much it hurt me personally."

cjs260 · August 2016

I'm so sorry - that's awful! I don't think you're overreacting at all. I bet he feels like a bucket full of assholes. As he should.

jbuck909 · August 2016

Not a joke. He deserves a dick punch and he better bring home flowers and chocolate. I'm sorry, hun.

MrsDrKirkpatrick · August 2016

He would be a dead man walking in my house. You are not over reacting, and I would have gone off on him too. I agree with PP that this may be something you want to sit down and talk about again, but if I were him I would be treating you like a queen after such a hurtful comment. Not that it makes it any better, but he will feel like complete shit when he holds this baby and remembers he ever said that. You can't take words back, especially their consequences.

Gingersnap · August 2016

Whoa.
That is something that should never, ever be joked about especially to a woman who has miscarried.
I remember when H made a stupid comment once relating to pregnancy and when I told him it wasn't funny he said "I thought you were over it". Once I calmed the fuck down I explained to him that while my tears may have dried, and everyday gets easier, I will never, ever be "over it".
Its definitely different for men, as they do t experience it the way we do. It's not as intense.
You have every right to be absolutely furious, and I'm sure really, really hurt.
I would gently and calmly (once you are ready) let him know that jokes about miscarriages or anything of the like will never, ever be funny or tolerated.

foxrosy · August 2016

You're not overreacting. I feel like a lot of men (and some women for that matter) do not get it. I think it's harder for men because they don't experience pregnancy the same way we do. For women, it's mental, physical, hormonal. Our bodies are reacting and changing with the pregnancy and from the outside men can't experience that. I'm terribly sorry your husband said that. I remember with my first MC my ex husband asked if I wanted to go to the movies or a comedy show right after we got the news at the doctor. His reaction made me feel like my devastation was over the top. It wasn't and neither is yours. I hope you guys are able to have a healing conversation about this he understands how hurtful that comment was.
Hugs!

annewheeler2 · August 2016

I would have cried if that was said to me. Guys may not understand how a miscarriage will stay with you forever but that doesn't excuse him from making that comment.

FreshBakedBrownies · August 2016

It sounds like your husband is generally not an insensitive jerk. I'm trying to make sense of this in my head. Maybe he is scared and does think a lot about your loss, then had that awful stupid thought slip out without thinking?
You have every right to be mad and hurt. That was really as low as it gets. Hopefully he realizes that and sincerely apologizes.

jab3-2 · August 2016

@Aussie45, yeah hell no. I would have flipped the F out on my H too if he said that. And mine sounds identical to yours in the description you gave. No, you're not blowing it out of proportion at all. I'm sorry you had to go through that and that on top of it he has to make a stupid hurtful comment like that. I literally have to remind my H (frequently) that I don't give a F that he's the no filter, always teasing type. There's just some shit you don't say.

Aussie45 · August 2016

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Once he got home today, I sat him down and we talked about it. He honestly didn't know that I was as nervous as I am about being pregnant. I explained everything to him and he said immediately after he said it last night, he felt horrible. He has mentioned before that he never thinks about the miscarriage & brought it up again tonight. I told him that was fine but this is one of those things you just don't ever joke about. I think it definitely is different for women who go through it vs men. It's so much more personal when it's actually happening to you as a person vs watching someone else go through it. I appreciate everyone's reassurance that I wasn't acting like a crazy person. His attitude last night had me second guessing my reaction!

LaurenAshley04 · August 2016

I'm so sorry. No you did not overreact. This is just something that can never be laughed about.

I agree a follow up convo is needed.

Hugs momma!

bdesterhouse · August 2016

I'm sorry you went through this. My husband has made some pretty jaw dropping comments on the loss of our daughter that truly hurt and surprised me, so I completely understand your frustration. When I confronted my husband about our situation and how he made me feel, it completely changed how he talked to me about everything that happened. His feelings didn't change much (he'd rather forget we ever went through that loss, whereas I'll always want to talk about her) and we've compromised on how we deal with grief to make it work for both of us. It's hard at times, but I usually step back, take some time for myself, and remember that this didn't have the same affect on him as it did me.

Aussie45 · August 2016

@bdesterhouse I don't think that it helps that I don't bring it up ever. I always think about the one we lost, but I rarely bring it up. So without that and him not having "gone" through it like I did, I think it becomes easy for him to forget that it happened. I really think that going forward he won't ever make a comment like that again. He felt like a major dick!

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