RANT: Judgmental MIL TW

weareturtles · August 2016

DH's mother is a bit of a challenge for both of us to handle. She's very outspoken and very opinionated (big surprise, right?!). While we were pregnant with twins a few weeks ago, she was talking politics with DH and mentioned that she did not think that abortions or drugs to end pregnancies should ever be performed or prescribed -- EVER -- for anyone. Under NO circumstance. I am all for doing whatever you want with your body, but her very black and white stance on this issue has been off-putting to us.

Forgive me for trudging into a rather controversial topic, but this is weighing on me, particularly given the fact that I just took an abortion drug three times over the past week to help my body pass the twin babies we lost, and we may need a D&C if the drugs didn't work well enough. She's said that she wants us to reach out to her for support, especially if we're having trouble having kids, yet we feel as if we can't be honest and open about our losses. I just don't understand how we can do that without judgment. I know she has never had a miscarriage, so she doesn't know what it is like to lose a child, or have her dead child(ren) inside of her, and how much that messes up your emotions, almost more than losing them.

chloe97 · August 2016

@weareturtles Does your MILs stance really include no drugs or D&Cs after the physician has determined that the pregnancy is not viable? If so, she has no sense of reality- I don't even know any pro-life advocates who truly believe this.

Im so sorry you are dealing with this. I could write a book about what I've learned about reproductive health and physician/lawmakers opinions about what constitutes life since I've started this journey of TTC. I could tell you stories about friends who have had to make the terrible decision to terminate a pregnancy in which a baby would never live past a few weeks if born. These were very wanted pregnancies and they live with intense guilt which is exasperated by rhetoric from people who have no idea what they are talking about.

During my last pregnancy, my own mother who is very liberal and prochoice for everyone else told me over and over her story about why she turned down an Amnio when pregnant with my brother at 35. Her line was "It wouldn't change anything".

She had NO idea what she was talking about because of course she's never dealt with pregnancies that weren't textbook. My betas didn't rise appropriately and my NIPT test came back with no results which indicates chromosomal abnormalities. At my NT scan my baby had obvious issues. I had a CV and that test came back as Triploidy. Because Triploidy is not compatible with life, I made an appt for a D&C to end the pregnancy. The baby's heartbeat stopped before the procedure, but I don't regret my decision to end the pregnancy prior to knowing this. Im 37 and trying to have my first child and my Dr told me that waiting any longer could have had repercussions on my health.

I have done my best to tell everyone that I come across my story because people just don't know how grey the lines are when it come to viable pregnancies. If people don't know anyone that this has happened to people they know, they will be more likely to support laws that force women to get substandard reproductive care or have to travel long distances to get it.

Sorry, I'm on my soapbox, but your post touched a nerve with me. I want to live in a world where women who desparately want their pregnancies and to be moms aren't villanized for ending a pregnancy that has no viability. Our losses are just as real and we deserve as much support and sympathy as anyone else.

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

@weareturtles
I am sorry you've had to go through a double whammy like this. I'm very pro-life and even would advocate for considering continuing a pregnancy where you know the baby is terminal (in our area they have 2 wonderful organizations for neonatal hospice who help family walk through these unimaginably tough time). But even I would say it is a very very different thing once the babies no longer have a heartbeat... Those are medications, not "abortion medications" in that circumstance. I know it's a very sensitive subject, but I hope you can find comfort and support here and at home.

RiverSong15 · August 2016

@wearerurtles I'm so so sorry you have to deal with that on top of the loss of your babies. This makes me so incredibly angry on your behalf. People need to mind their own business and realize that what is best for them, their families, and their pregnancies applies ONLY to them. Decisions like this are always so incredibly heartbreaking and intensely personal, and I don't know any women that would make a decision like this lightly. Particularly in situations like @chloe97 described. Carrying a non-viable pregnancy can cause immense emotional tolls. No one, I repeat, NO ONE gets to tell you how to feel about your pregnancy and what decision to make except YOU. So many creepy internet hugs!

Sugargirl1019 · August 2016

Ugh. Btw, they give misoprostol to induce labor for healthy pregnancies at 9 months. I was shocked that my friend had it given to her and I was like but that's what we take for our miscarriages!

So, misoprostol is an induction medication, not an an abortion medication. It does not stop the heartbeat, it just causes uterine irritability and contractions.
ETA: it also softens the cervix. Sometimes the doctor will use it in D&Cs to prep the cervix.

EverythingsBetterOutside · August 2016

I'm sorry for your losses, and for the MIL situation. You certainly don't have to reach out or share with her, no matter how much she wants you to. This is your family and your loss, you need to do what's right for you and your mental health.

If you do decide to share with her, though, she may be more sympathetic than you expect. Unless you find her generally hypocritical, her opinion on abortion likely stems from a belief that babies are valuable human beings long before they are born, and she'd therefore treat a miscarriage the same as losing a child (assuming she thinks at least somewhat logically). Like a PP, I'm very pro-life, and removing the remains of a dead fetus is very different than terminating a viable pregnancy, regardless of the method or what other purposes the drug is used for. The medication I had to take for an ectopic pregnancy is also used as chemotherapy for cancer patients; the medication I use for chronic pain is an anti-depressant that us also used for other conditions, including bedwetting. So what? Just because the medication you used to deliver your babies who,passed away can be used for abortions shouldn't mean anything.

weareturtles · August 2016

@chloe97 - thanks so much for sharing your story! I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Interestingly, my own mother did the same as yours did with me. She was an older mother and made a decision to forego an amnio because she didn't want another miscarriage. She says she would never have terminated the pregnancy, so there was no reason to do it. However, she also believes that her choices are hers and is 110% in favor of each person choosing what they want for themselves in their own unique situations. It's because she's open and accepting that I turned to her for support when we found out we lost our twins. I cannot say I will ever turn to my MIL. I also cannot say that we truly hashed out all of the permutations that she finds using things like Misoprostol or D&Cs to be unforgivable, but she was angrily adamant that there is no situation in which any of that should be possible - like the drugs shouldn't even be on the market. Of course, the fact that drugs are often used for multiple conditions or off-label for other purposes is something that she probably hasn't taken into account, but I don't frankly care to argue with her. I just consider that to be a reason to not talk about this. And, as DH says, her beliefs give us a very good reason to not tell her we are expecting until we are far enough along, all testing is done and we know everything is looking good.

RiverSong15 · August 2016

@EverythingsBetterOutside Soemthing you said in your post has been bothering me for the past day. I don't want to turn this discussion political, but I was upset by the implication in your post that someone who is pro-choice would be less sympathetic about a MC than someone who is pro-life. I'm pro-choice - and I still feel like my two MCs meant I lost my first two children. I was completely devastated. And I think I've been a really supportive poster here on TB, and I think I'd be really supportive of someone IRL. Please don't assume all women who are pro-choice would care less about a MC. Also, there are women on The Bump who've had abortions when they were younger, don't regret their choice, and are still devastated by a MC now. A casual comment like this could just heap more sorrow and shame on them and make feel even more isolated.

chloe97 · August 2016

Thank you @RiverSong15 thank you so much. I agree 100% with everything you said. Women who are pro-choice and women who have had abortions deserve as much support during and after a miscarriage as anyone else.

While I agree this is not the place to talk about our political positions, I do think that we need to give women a safe space to talk about their losses whether they made the decision to terminate for medical reasons or whether their pregnancy was unviable due for any other reason.

When I was going through my last pregnancy, I was SHOCKED that there was no place on the Bump to talk about termination for medical reasons. I found a board on BabyCenter devoted to the issue, but the stickies post warned women that they would likely be harassed by pro-life advocates if they posted that they were considering TFMR.

What a horrible and lonely place it is to be a woman faced with that heartbreaking decision. Like I said, I was "lucky" because my baby had a condition that was not compatible with life and passed before my D&C, so my decision thankfully does not cause me guilt, but so many women are faced with the decision on whether to give birth to a child who will have a short and very painful life or to terminate. I can't even imagine how terrible that decision would be. God help any of us, pro-choice or pro-life, if we are ever faced with it.

chloe97 · August 2016

@weareturtles Again, I'm so sorry about your loss and your mother-in-law. Amnios do come with a risk of miscarriage, but that risk is EXTREMELY small these days (1 in s 1000). I appreciate that a women with no indication of anything wrong with their pregnancy would want to avoid that risk, I just want to point out that for women who have pregnancies where things look to be going wrong- they may want an Amnio or CVS to prepare them one way or the other.

We are lucky these days to be able to use NIPT testing to give us our risk of chromosomal abnormalities with 99% accuracy. The conversation around amnios have changed for that reason. Nowadays you are only getting an Amnio if there is a good indication that something is wrong. So, my point that our mothers spoke from different times- knowing that something is likely wrong with your baby is going to spur a lot more women who otherwise wouldn't take that risk because the can no longer be ignorant that something is wrong. I,personally, would not have been able to sit tight and just wait to lose my baby after seeing an ultrasound that indicated serious problems. I needed to know exactly what we were dealing with to be prepared.

mjolk · August 2016

I am sorry you are having this issue with your MIL, and very sorry for your loss.

I certainly would not have been able to be in the same room without bawling if I were in the same circumstance. I am not sure people really understand the emotional toll of miscarriage unless it happens to them.

I live in a state where the govenor wrote a law that would make abortion illegal for any medical reason, and fetal remains from miscarriages had to be cremated or buried. I am so glad this was overturned. The issue produces strong emotions so it is easy for people to have a black and white stance on it. There are just so many gray areas. For instance, did my blighted ovum count? would I have had to cremate the sac and part of a placenta? was it never life, or just briefly? Did nothing I feel even count? I really don't know, but I don't think others should be deciding all this for me.

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