In Desperate Need of Positivity

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

THANK YOU! Really debating on whether I should tell my friend right now before DH. I obviously want to share the news with DH in person, but my friend lives in Seattle and has been with me EVERY STEP of the way in this shitty infertility journey. So I'm thinking abt calling her. AH!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 I say do what makes you happy! That news is so great, it's so hard to keep it to yourself!

jwg9101 · August 2016

OMG!!! I'm SO freaking excited for you!! I don't know you but read your post last night and sent you some love. After an odd visit this morning I REALLY needed to see this!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! This is truly the best news ever!!!! Wow!!!!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Pardon the language, but I believe everyone on this entire IF forum has thought this at some point... And it's fitting my mood right now.

FatPony · August 2016

Yay @babylonghorn16!!! Excellent numbers! How many did you put back?

@joneser1281 update?????

jwg9101 · August 2016

@joneser1281 I love that. I'm saving it and will repeat it to myself daily. It just may become my new mantra!!!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@FatPony Thanks!! I transferred one embryo and have 10 more frozen (6 PGS tested). Very thankful we have so many.

@joneser1281 Hi!! I hope you're doing okay. I kind of got caught up in my BFP yesterday... any news?! FX everything has settled down for you and you're doing great!

@jwg9101 Hi! Assuming your comment was directed at me

. Thank you!!! We are over the moon with excitement! GL to you!!!

tcolechia · August 2016

@joneser1281 I did get the results back yesterday. As I expected BFN. Thank you very much for checking in to see how it went. I have an appointment with my RE to discuss our next step tomorrow. How are you doing today?

joneser1281 · August 2016

Hi Ladies,

@jwg9101 I know, don't you love it?! I don't know if anyone watched Married at First Sight the first season, but I stole it from Jamie from that show. She and her husband, Doug recently lost their first baby and when she posted it last night, I had to repost it! Sometimes you need inspirational quotes, but sometimes you need to scream and swear! Haha.

@FatPony @babylonghorn16 @tcolechia Thanks for checking in on me, ladies! @babylonghorn16 That is AOK! Your news was so exciting and you deserve to get caught up in it! @tcolechia Ugh, I am sorry to hear your news. Thinking of you... I like that you're getting right back in the saddle again though and moving forward!

I am yet again in the miserable waiting game. I have been having nonstop red bleeding. Cramps were on and off, but today have become pretty painful. I've not felt the need to take any pain relievers with any cramping I've had this whole process and today is the first day I really feel like popping some Advil. I went today for another beta. I haven't heard back from the nurse yet, but I saw my results were posted: 927.4. WTF?! I thought for sure I would see declining levels... I've been bleeding since Sunday! I keep expecting the bad news and DH keeps getting mad at me. He says I bring on the bad stuff because I expect it and then when it happens, he says I'm relieved. Maybe he's right. I just don't want to get my hopes up and be completely blindsided.

So I'm just waiting to hear what the next step is. I told myself that if my results came back ok today that I would think positive from here on out, regardless of bleeding, cramping, etc. Of course now that my cramps have intensified, I'm like great... NOW things are probably starting to go downhill. The only thing I have to compare anything to, is the chemical pregnancy I had 4 years ago during our second month of trying on our own. It was almost 4 years ago to the day, which is scaring me too. I tested early at home... Got a positive result... and started bleeding like 5 days later. I went in for bloodwork the day after I started bleeding and my level was a 6. I feel like I've been bleeding for a long time already and my level was still 927.4. Things can still be ok right? If anyone has any cramping/bleeding stories that turned out ok, this would be the time to share them! Lol.

joneser1281 · August 2016

Nightly inspiration... ❤️

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@joneser1281 I'm happy to see you levels went up despite the bleeding! FX for you that the bleeding stops and that 8/15 arrives quickly.

AFM - I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated with my body. No AF going on almost 7 weeks. I should be starting my FET by now, but instead I'm stuck here waiting for my body. My specialist warned me that given my PCOS (I recall one year where I didn't have a single period!) my body might need meds to bring on my period, but I REALLY wanted my body to do this on its own. I've been so pumped full of meds for the past several years that I really wanted my body to do this one thing (the one thing I always hated seeing as it meant a BFN). It could always be worse and I'm lucky to have embryos to transfer so I just keep telling myself that. Come on mother nature!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Hi @Elyse1384! Thank you for the good thoughts! I am still bleeding and cramping, but trying to stay positive. It's sure not easy! I messaged my nurse this morning to give her an update, but haven't heard back yet. She is probably so sick of me! Haha. DH tells me I need to relax because they've told me everything is fine. I would like to see him supposedly PG and bleeding for three days... He nearly passed out during my transfer alone!

Wow, that must be so frustrating! I can't even imagine... If you don't mind me asking, how did you know you had PCOS? Was it just the absence of AF? With us not getting many answers over the years, I'm always wondering if I have a condition they just haven't found yet. Right, when you have to take so many meds at times, you don't want to take them if you don't have to. I am the same way. FX that AF visits you soon! Boy, that's something we don't say often, huh?!

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@joneser1281 ha men! My DH is the same - easy to talk, but their actions seem to indicate they could hardly handle a cold let alone what we go through with IF treatment!

We have MFI so we knew from the beginning we would need IF treatment to get pregnant (we have to use donor sperm). I've always had very long and at times inconsistent cycles, but as I had never tried to get pregnant earlier in life I didn't think much of it. When we started IF, constant ultrasounds and bloodwork showed that I was not ovulating the vast majority of my cycles. It seems to explain my long cycles and sometimes absent AF. My body would eventually just shed the lining, but no ovulation occurred. My specialist I switched to after 2 years of failed IUIs at my first clinic said having success with IUI can be quite challenging with PCOS (not impossible, but just much more difficult).

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@Elyse1384 Hope AF comes soon! That's so frustrating! That b*tch is never cooperative lol

@joneser1281 hope you're staying positive!!! I would be bothering my nurse nonstop too! It's their job, so I wouldn't worry about annoying her. I'm sorry you're still having some bleeding. That rising beta tells a different story though! Are they really going to make you wait until 8/15 for an u/s?? Ugh! I'm thinking positives thoughts for you and am praying for the best!! As for PCOS, I'm pretty sure you'd know you have it. The biggest tell tale sign is a large amount of follicles or cysts on the ovaries that look like a string of pearls. For example, most women have about 12 follicles per ovary... I have 25 or more per ovary. So your doc should've clued you in immediately! Another sign is absence of period or irregular cycle. My cycle is irregular - about 36 - 40 days long, compared to the usual 28 day cycle. There are other symptoms such as increased hair growth, acne, weight gain/obesity, and loss of hair on head... none of which I have. I think it's different for every woman! Overall, not a fun diagnosis. I'm actually not even 100% I have PCOS... but due to my ovaries and cycles, the doc said most likely. Hope that helps!

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 oh my goodness our ovaries are obnoxious twins! All monitored IUI cycles I had showed on average 20-22 follicles per ovary. Several would make it to the 12mm-14mm range and then all would stop growing rather than one pulling ahead as the dominant follicle. Many cycles I also went on to develop large cysts which finally explained the many years of pain that would randomly be present with some cycles. My cycles averaged 35-38 days, but there would also be times were I didn't have a period for moths (once I made it a year without AF!). The earliest AF ever showed up was 32 days, but that was rare. My OB diagnosed me as "Lean PCOS" too. I don't have any symptoms outside of my ovaries being uncooperative jerks. Le sigh.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@Elyse1384 Haha, exactly! I'm lucky if I can get one day of coddling even when sick because all of a sudden he has something going on worse than I do, lol. It's killing him to see me laying around so much this week. I'm a pretty active person, so this resting thing is really tough. I also don't really feel like it's helping. Thank you for the info on PCOS. Ugh... Women who don't have fertility issues have no idea how lucky they are. I feel like I sometimes have pretty painful and heavy periods and that my cycle lengths vary, but nothing has ever been found to indicate I have anything to diagnose. DH has a slight morphology issue, but that's all we know.

@babylonghorn16 Thank you for your PCOS input too and the good thoughts! I am in misery over here. I went in yesterday morn and had another good beta. My nurse called me yesterday afternoon. She said my numbers are "spot on" where they want me to be. I said then what the heck is going on?! She said I could have vaginal and cervical bleeding from the Endometrin. She said the clots could be coming from that as well, as things get pushed around and lodged up in there. I said that yesterday I felt like the flow was even worse and the cramps. She told me to put my feet up and rest... No exercise or sex until things improve. They don't plan on having me in again until the US. Ugh. She said if the bleeding worsens or I'm soaking through things, to let them know and/or go to ER. I said I feel like I already am! I am gushing red blood! Sorry, that's graphic haha. She said to just take some Tylenol for pain, put my feet up and rest and they'll see me on Monday. Arrrg! I just keep thinking well what if my test was fine yesterday morning and then things went downhill after, so they missed it? Today it's more of the same... Cramping and bleeding.

I sent another message to my nurse this morning, but haven't heard a word back. I told her I can't wear pantyliners anymore... They don't cover enough area and are filled too quickly. I'm wearing my heavy overnight pads and changing them every few hours. I just took more Tylenol for the pain. I figure either she still thinks this can be normal for an IVF pregnancy, or if it is MC, there isn't anything that can be done and she probably doesn't want to say that to upset me. She did tell me she had a similar experience. She said she was bleeding with cramps and thought for sure she had her period and ended up being PG. She said they were talking about that as they went over my results.

I know I promised myself I would be positive no matter what my body was doing if yesterday's test was fine. It's so hard though. This morning while still lying in bed, I didn't have any cramping, but just that unusual, kind of uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that I've had off and on since finding out I was PG. I told myself that was a good sign that I still felt that. Then of course the cramping and bleeding started for the day! I have to go back to work in a week and a half... I don't know what I"m supposed to do then, but I certainly won't be able to rest or put my feet up all day. I guess I just have to see what happens Monday, though it will feel like an eternity until then. My friend told me I should POAS every few days to reassure myself, but I'm too afraid. I haven't seen one BFP on those things during this process. I took two and the last one was the day before my first beta and it was negative. Even though I've had positive betas, I've been too afraid to POAS again.

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@joneser1281 - I'm sorry you're left hanging like that. The waiting game between betas and the U/S when things like that are happening are the worst. Hang in there. I understand your mentality as I often tell myself to expect the worst and hope for the best. I think it is a self preservation thing. With IF we go through so much and face disappointments in areas that seem to come so easy to others. I often felt afraid to be excited because I didn't want to jinx myself. I somehow thought that a verbal affirmation of the possibility for the worst case scenario would soften the blow for not only myself, but also DH if things didn't pan out. He too is usually more optimistic when results seem positive, but I often feel the need to remind him how things could still not pan out. I was afraid that if I didn't plant the seed of doubt or reservation, that a negative outcome would let him down too. I really felt responsible for his sanity AND mine so it was a game of balance at times when it came to emotions and outlook. One suggestion.... don't POAS! I played that game before and only worried myself more. I found myself analyzing why the line didn't look as strong as a day prior or wondering if the line should be darker by a certain point. There is also the hook effect with HPTs. Sadly waiting for a U/S is the best thing to do. I think you'll just worry yourself more with HPTs.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 i'm so sorry!!! So frustrating that they can't tell you what's going on! I've heard that progesterone via suppositories can cause bleeding. So many that's all it is?? 8/15 can't come soon enough! Nice that you're off of work though, so you can deal with all this craziness. Hopefully everything will be back to normal by the time you go back! Keep us updated!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@Elyse1384 You are exactly right! I think it is self-preservation and I too feel responsible for DH. I feel like I need to prepare him for the blow... When he just sees it as my negativity. You're so right... I am terrified of thinking things will work out because then I will jinx myself. I feel like most women get that BFP at home and start planning their baby showers! I won't even let myself browse anything baby online because I don't expect good news to last. I too have done that with POAS... You second guess the lines and how they look each time... Then you can't stop taking them! I am staying away... At least for now I have the willpower haha.

@babylonghorn16 Thank you... It's completely frustrating... I am clinging to hope that this is from the suppositories, but it seems unlikely (which I had to spend another $223 OOP on today because I am almost out of them... I am going to be so pissed if I don't even end up needing them!). My optimism is really waning today. It's really hard because, like DH pointed out, I expected the first two betas to have bad news... I expected yesterday's to be bad news... What's wrong with me?! I feel like what kind of mom am I if I don't believe in my baby? Ugh. But as I told him, when every single symptom I have points to MC, what else am I supposed to think? BTW, I just saw tomorrow you have another beta... FX! Let me know how it goes!

I have been again on the couch all day for the third day. The nurse called me a little while ago. She said to give them another update tomorrow. If things still aren't going well, then they may have me come in Friday for an exam and bloodwork. DH wants to know why it's Friday and not tomorrow... I don't know. She said stay off my feet and if I saturate a pad in less than an hour, to let the doctor on call know, go to ER, etc. I said well I do saturate pads, but it's not in less than an hour... It's prob after a few hours... Which I still don't think is normal!!! Oh well. All I can do is wait I guess. This has been the longest week of my life!

joneser1281 · August 2016

"There is no never... just long periods of not yet."

~ Solenn Heussaff

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 This is such a trying time for you - give yourself a break! I would absolutely be feeling the same way, so don't fee bad!! I don't think it's any indication of how you will be as a mother. When you're so conditioned to hearing bad news, it's difficult to expect good news - especially when things aren't 100% perfect. It has nothing to do with your baby. I will continue to pray for you and your DH! Please don't get down on yourself too much. I hope they get you in the office tomorrow and put some of those fears to rest! Lots of love to you!!

AFM - beta #2 today! Expecting the call in a couple of hours, but nurse said that with my numbers on beta #1, they are expecting nothing but good news. She's seriously the best. Gave me a big hug when I walked in and expressed how excited she was for me! Really helps when your nurses are so invested in you! She also said they are checking my thyroid to make sure everything is normal - pregnancy can act like a "stress test" for your thyroid, so I might have to take extra meds to normalize. We will see! I'll keep y'all updated!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 Thank you... I feel like a zombie today. I'm so exhausted... Whether it's from the emotional rollercoaster or blood loss, who knows! I feel like the clots just keep getting bigger and the bleeding doesn't stop, or the cramps. I know it's not over til the beta sings, but I am feeling quite the Negative Nancy. I messaged the nurse this morning and they're having me go in tomorrow for another blood test and possible speculum exam to see if everything is ok with my cervix. I want to say ummmm... nothing is ok, as I've seen less gruesome murder scenes than what is going on in my crotch! Ok, no I haven't, but you know what I mean.

Haha. So I am stuck waiting AGAIN until tomorrow. I don't know why they couldn't just have me in today!

Any news on beta #2 yet?! That is so awesome that everyone is pulling for you at your clinic... Let me know when you know!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 oh no! ugh frustrating they didn't let you come in today!!! LOL at the murder scene comment... i feel like that too. Whenever I first start my period, I always think I just witnessed a freakin murder scene in the toilet haha! Oh the joys of being a woman! Hope they figure something out tomorrow and you get back to normal soon!!

Still no word on beta 2. I'm pretty freaked out. They've never waited this long to call. My nurse didn't call to tell me my progesterone levels when they had me in last week, so maybe she just doesn't think it's a big deal?! This is NOT the same nurse that hugged me btw. The nurse assigned to me specifically isn't my favorite. If you take a vile of my blood, you better call me and tell me what came of it! Seems crazy you would have to explain that to someone. I am going to call in 20 min if I don't hear anything. I'm just starting to get mad at this point.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 I know... Sometimes I just feel like I'm just another patient... Just another crazy woman with IF driving everyone else crazy lol. Thank you for the good thoughts!

You must be going crazy about the beta! Maybe they are just really busy today? I know on Tuesday when I was going crazy, I didn't hear from them until really late in the afternoon and my numbers had gone up! So it's not always bad news that keeps them from calling. I feel like sometimes it must take time for the nurses to confer with the doctors before they make any calls. FX still and can't wait to hear!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

I ended up calling!! Thanks for the reassurance @joneser1281!!

*TW*

Beta #2 came back at 1,393!!!! Thrilled!!! They are putting me on thyroid med too... apparently it's functioning too slowly for me AND baby. So we'll fix that! First sonogram scheduled on 8/24!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 Thank goodness! That is a great number! So happy for you!

mini-murph · August 2016

Been lurking hardcore on this thread. wanted to offer my congrats to @babylonghorn16! So happy for you! Congrats!!

@joneser1281 you're in my thoughts today, I hope you finally get some answers, and that nurse needs to be a little nicer. No two patients are the same, and what's "normal" for one might be a big red flag for the other. Hoping the best for you!!!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@LuluMurph lurkers welcome lol! Thank you!!

@joneser1281 THINKING ABT YOU!!! Hope everything comes back great and they can give you some peace of mind!

Funny story - so last night my MIL came in town to pick up her new truck (beautiful!) and we went to dinner. I didn't order a drink, of course, just a water! She ordered sangria, but was having a hard time finishing her glass, so she was like "stick your straw in here and help me!"... and without thinking, I picked up my straw and put in her drink and then STOPPED COLD. At this point it would've been awkward for me to say "oh no thanks!", so I took the TINIEST sip... like a droplet hit my tongue... and said "ACK gross! I don't like it." lol! She looked at me like I was crazy... oh well. So awkward! DH was just staring at me like WTF?! Ugh, I have to get used to this whole being pregnant thing lol! Need to practice... "no, thanks", "oh i'm not drinking tonight", "not a fan of sangria, but thanks!"

joneser1281 · August 2016

@LuluMurph Thank you for thinking of me... I really appreciate it. Haha, I know. She actually is very nice, but sometimes it does feel like ok, I know my body and I know something is not right, despite what you people tell me! What I do like about my clinic is that many of the women who work there have been through IF struggles or have gone through IVF themselves. They share their stories while you're there and it gives you hope.

@babylonghorn16 That was a funny story! I often think about what's the best thing to do... Just turn down a drink... Which, for people who know me is pretty out of the norm, haha... Or just pretend to drink, get something virgin and hope no one notices, haha. I just know I am definitely waiting a long time before I'd tell people news.

Unfortunately, my news for the day is not good. We were optimistic at first. I had my blood test and then we met with one of the REs... She did a quick noninvasive scan. She said that I was not actively bleeding and that my cervix looked fine. I said how can I not be bleeding, yet I am constantly bleeding, and often with golf ball sized clots? She said clots are good... It means I'm not bleeding out... and that it could be some blood from part of my uterus that's not near the baby. She said it has nowhere else to go, so it has to come out. She said bleeding, even bleeding on this scale, can be normal in a pregnancy... Just as normal as someone who doesn't bleed at all. She said my hormone levels have been good thus far and they wouldn't string me along if they were certain it was MC. She said we'll just keep our fingers crossed and see what the numbers tell us.

So then DH took me shopping, which was nice... To keep my mind off things, and I'm sure his as well. We bought pumpkin candles, which we love, from Bath and Body Works. We both love Halloween and fall and get excited to decorate the house for that. I've not yet heard from my nurse, but while we were shopping I saw that my results were posted and unfortunately my level dropped from 927 the other day to 123.6.

So I'm basically just waiting to see what my instructions are, but it appears to be yet another disappointment... As the box of Endometrin that I won't need arrived on the doorstep today!

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@joneser1281 oh no I'm so sorry! My heart hurts for you and your DH. Take it easy on yourself as you heal (physically and emotionally). Ts&Ps

mini-murph · August 2016

@joneser1281 I am so so sorry to hear your numbers dropped. You do whatever you need to so your mind and body are better. DH should understand this is such a hard and emotional time.

We've been going very slow in the process and it can "hardened" you. I'm sure all of our husbands are supportive and great, but sometimes they don't get the absolute crushing heartache and disappointment that comes monthly.

kdanjou · August 2016

@joneser1281 So so so sorry to hear that. Please try to take some time and be kind to yourself above all. Loss is so hard. After my loss I found that just doing things that made me a little happy in the moment helped a lot. I would go shoe shopping, go see a movie, go out to eat, buy myself an iced coffee, whatever.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 oh no!!! This news hurts my heart. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I hope they call you soon with steps to move forward. Please take care of yourself.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@Elyse1384 @LuluMurph @kdanjou @babylonghorn16 Thank you, ladies... I appreciate the kind words. I am going through some on and off crying, but mostly holding it together and trying to think of moving on. I feel like most of my major breakdowns already happened this week throughout the bleeding... Although I was clinging to hope this morning, I was kind of prepared for it. Not that that made it any easier to take. I'm a little annoyed though because I feel like I have to be strong for DH. He takes this stuff very hard and gets so discouraged... Then he says things like he wants to quit, he can't do this anymore, he can't stand seeing me like this or being put through this... So then I feel like I have to put on a brave face sometimes and be positive for him. Don't get me wrong... he's been wonderful this week, holding me while I sob, asking me a thousand times a day how I'm feeling and if he can do anything for me... Waiting on me as I laid on the couch all week... But you know men... There's a reason they don't have the babies... They aren't as strong, or as tough as us to handle this stuff. As much as I feel torn down at times, I never want to give up. I know he doesn't really either... He just says things like that when upset. But dammit, I want to be upset and have him tell me it's ok sometimes too haha. It's funny though because he's been so positive since our transfer... Not one negative thing has come out of his mouth, like it has mine. But now, he's acting like there's no hope. He'll get over it... He always does and we try again.

I've heard from my nurse. I'm to stop taking my Endometrin and baby aspirin and report back for bloodwork in a week to make sure my levels are back to zero. Once that happens, we can talk about next steps in treatment. I'm supposed to continue to monitor the bleeding. We'll talk to the doctor on Wednesday about the outcome of our cycle. I am hoping to move along with a FET as soon as we can. I'm a little nervous to do it right now just because I'm going back to work soon and the first few weeks/months are stressful and hectic, but maybe it will take my mind off the IF stuff. If I'm too busy with work stuff, then I won't have as much time to dwell on what we're doing with the IF stuff. Then those waiting periods should just fly by! Haha. I mentioned in my last post that I love how many of the women working at my clinic have had their own struggles. My IVF nurse just shared hers on their site today. I wanted to share it with you guys because it makes me feel better and gives me hope:

Infertility can be stressful, nerve wracking, demanding of your time, emotionally challenging, and many times, isolating. It is a subject that is often not freely discussed. Friends may not know how to offer support and couples may not know how to ask for it. We understand, because, while in the U.S. 1 in 8 couples have trouble conceiving, that percentage is even higher among our staff. Many members of our staff have used reproductive technologies and medications, suffered miscarriages and waited years to conceive. For some, their experiences with infertility have drawn them to their lives work. We know everyone’s journey is different, but we understand you, because we ARE you.

Some of our staff has agreed to share their stories. We offer our encouragement and our empathy and we hope that our stories help you realize that you are not alone.

First up, Nina’s Story.

Recently a patient was discussing with a staff member about how we would probably not “understand” their situation. Lady! I understand! Because I did everything WRONG!

I laugh now because the road was long and hard and painful but filled with lessons and gifts I didn’t see coming.

I always had problems with my weight and subsequently my periods. My period was never regular growing up and after packing on the “Freshman 15” in college my period all but disappeared. I ignored it because I was young and stupid! But once in Nursing School I realized that it could be a big issue.

Fast forward, I graduate, get engaged and move away. And once married, “Sure let’s try to start a family!” By then I’d had 2 periods in 2 years. Now it was inevitable, I had to find out what was going on if we were ever going to have a baby. This started a 4 year journey that was filled with drama and heart break.

So I see a doctor I don’t even know in a city I’m new to and I get the news that I’m overweight (not a shock) and have features of PCOS (that was a shock). And in a cold but simple manner the doctor told me to lose weight and then call him in a year.

THANKS BUDDY!

That was the first moment time began to really tick in my head and my age suddenly mattered. And sadly, I didn’t listen.

A year passed and nothing had changed, I didn’t try to lose the weight and I wasn’t getting my period. By now my husband was concerned and in a not so supportive or subtle way suggested “maybe you should lose some weight and we might be able to get pregnant.” Arguing ensued and my fertility became a background issue for us, always hanging out there as our friends started to get pregnant and have kids.

A turning point became my sister –in-laws pregnancy. Here I was, wanting a baby badly yet not doing much to make it happen. Then my sister-in-law, carefree, irresponsible and wild announces she is having a baby boy. Anger and jealousy were all I could muster up in my heart. How could this be? Why her and not me? She doesn’t even want a baby! I couldn’t believe it. I sneered at their announcement, rolled my eyes in disgust at their shower invitation. I couldn’t stand it. And at the same time I felt like a truly horrible person for feeling this way towards my family member. I didn’t even want to meet their baby. I felt like a crazy person and in retrospect hurt a relationship with her because of it.

Between my new nephews birth and months and months of no periods and no pregnancy I broke. I lived thousands of miles from home and was unhappy and lost. I told my husband I wanted to move back home or get divorced. We agreed to try to patch things up and start over back home.

Once home, I met with my old doctor and had a heart to heart about how to get pregnant. I finally owned the fact I had PCOS and needed to take control of it. My doctor suggested signing up with a weight loss program, starting Metformin and then return after I had lost 50 pounds. I started the medicine and signed up for Weight Watchers. I bought a scale and an elliptical and faced my fears. I got on the scale and weighed 282 pounds. I hadn’t weighed myself in a couple years and was horrified. I started 2000mg of Metformin and thought my stomach was going to explode. The side effects were horrible. But I stuck to it. I wanted to be a mother so badly, I fixated on that goal and knew if I worked hard I could make this happen. Magically, I started getting periods on Metformin! I started seeing things happen!

Weight Watchers was easy, weight started to come off. I would count steps on a pedometer and then slowly built up to short workouts on an elliptical trainer.

At first my husband tried to be supportive and eat healthy with me but slowly stopped participating. He would joke about “rabbit food” and sneak away for beers and wings with coworkers.

I was determined however and after more than 10 months I reached my doctors weight goal. Next step would be semen analysis to rule out male factor. That came back acceptable so the doctor felt we would be good candidates for Clomid and IUI.

That next step marked a critical change for my relationship with my husband. In hindsight, I should have talked to my husband. I should have asked him if this was something he wanted and was really ready to do? I didn’t include him. Instead he became the sample source. And in my shortsightedness, I treated him curtly. I questioned him when he couldn’t move work commitments and couldn’t have intercourse when it was recommended. I cried when our schedules didn’t match up and yelled when we would miss “OPK” peak windows. I became insane! And I turned my partner into a villain. I littered our bathrooms with ovulation predictor sticks and calendars on the wall like a crazy person. I was rude, angry and mean.

This should have been the point where we talked to a counseling professional not just each other. A counselor would have helped us! I tried to turn to the nurse that was helping me at this time and I’ll never forget her saying “You’re a nurse! Deal with it!” That stuck with me and as I work today, I’m determined to be there for people when they need answers and help. I never want someone to feel the way I felt in that moment!

After months and months ,more weight loss and more arguing I finally got the call. I was bleeding and ready for more Clomid and my nurse said my pregnancy blood test was positive. I was bleeding heavy and I told her she was wrong! She said she would repeat my bloodwork in two days but I was in fact pregnant. I hung up the phone in shock. You wait all this time for this moment and it is not what you imagine it to be. It’s a Tuesday afternoon on your couch kinda thing! I was in disbelief. I called my husband and he too was in disbelief. This rocky road finally ended in pregnancy and all at once my journey was over and onto the next – pregnancy!

Today, I am no longer married! And my son is now 6! And when I look back, I made every mistake and I hurt my marriage during my time in fertility treatments. We let our struggles divide us. Many other things contributed to our demise but our behavior in treatment didn’t help!

Remember why your partner is your partner in the first place! Be a team, don’t blame one another for your infertility and let it bring you together. If you are struggling, think about talking to a counselor that can help you work together not against one another.

And remember, we do know how it feels and that is why I am here!

FatPony · August 2016

@joneser1281 - I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't read everything you posted bc I just criticized the bump and wanted to write this before I get suspended.

We just had an early loss and it is so, so hard. My thoughts are with you and your SO

joneser1281 · August 2016

@FatPony Oh my... I am new here so I don't know how everything works yet, but I was caught offguard by that thread being closed.

Thank you... I am very sorry for your loss as well. Thinking of you too... Sigh! Back to the drawing board I guess!

FatPony · August 2016

Oooh, look I didn't get banned!!!

FatPony · August 2016

They took down my thread though

joneser1281 · August 2016

@FatPony Haha.

Want a personalized experience?

In Desperate Need of Positivity

Re: In Desperate Need of Positivity

Choose Another Board

Search Boards