Can we laugh a little?

MollyandD · August 2016

I love the "getting to know you stuff," but I don't always read all of them, because I tend to stick with WTO or TWW, depending on where I am. With the things I've been going through, I've been trying to fill my time with positive thoughts and comedies. I thought it would be fun to share recent funny stories and help each other laugh.

***TW- loss mentioned, but only to help you understand what led to the funny moment. It shouldn't be too much of a trigger, I hope.***

I lost my pregnancy on Thursday of last week, and I didn't want to see anyone other than my husband. I shut myself in the house for a while, but by Saturday, I just needed to get out and think about something else. I bought tickets for Bad Moms at the "good" theater nearby. It has recliners for every seat. The movie had me laughing a lot, and lying down in the theater was pretty great. When the movie was over, I got up and felt funny. I haven't worn pads since I was a teenager, but I was told that tampons aren't allowed after a miscarriage because of a risk of infection. I don't know if you've felt that awkward feeling after lying down in a pad and then standing back up, but I worried that my contents may have shifted.

As as we were walking out, I asked my husband to check and make sure I hadn't leaked. I assumed my husband knew how to do this. The correct thing to do is walk behind the person worried about the leak, keep your head high, and only use your eyes to look down, right? Well, I walked ahead of my husband so he could check on me. He bent over and got eye-level with my butt in the middle of the lobby! There were dozens of people around us. This older woman gave him the dirtiest look.

I laughed and called my husband a creeper, and then I pulled him up and hugged him as we walked (ran) out. He said he's glad I hugged him, because the woman in the lobby thought he was a pervert.

Please help me, and all of us, laugh. Share your stories, recent or older. I can't wait to read them.

SnobunnieMel · August 2016

I have recently convinced my DH to run his first half marathon with me hoping it would be a good "together" thing. I've run 10 so im used to training schedules and have things pretty well worked out by now. He.....does not. He keeps taking pre work out stuff right before long runs, then has to poo at mile 1 like clock work, forcing us the walk the remainder to prevent "accidents". This has become a constant topic in our house now. So conversations such as these are normal

MollyandD · August 2016

@SnobunnieMel haha you'd think he would learn pretty quickly to stop taking anything right before the runs to avoid getting... the runs.

KirstinH88 · August 2016

felix08 · August 2016

I have a story that is somewhat in line with yours, @MollyandD . So, my older brother is a single dad and his daughter (my niece, obv) is in 6th grade. I missed a call from him while I was working today and he left a message asking me to call him back when I got a chance. I call him back (still at work) and it turns out he needs some advice about what kind of tampons to buy because my niece just got her first AF (poor girl). So, here I am, at work, having the most in depth conversation I've ever had about tampons...with my brother. Like, literally explaining to him how to explain to niece how to insert (OMG! I'm cringing even typing this out, ha!). I would have volunteered to show her myself, but they live out of state. And then I was just picturing my brother going to walgreens to pick out tampons. Don't worry I gave very specific instructions to lead him to the tampax pearls, ha.

Sirius37 · August 2016

About 1.5 months ago, while DH was deployed, I found this picture on FB:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/k6/3hefwqfmx6ip.jpg

so I texted DH saying how somebody had sent me this big picture of the big black dick and I told him he had to see it, thus I sent him this photo. About a week later as he was in Germany on his way back home, we had the following conversation (language, because we're salty and ignore my sweet paint job to hide details):

Sirius37 · August 2016

Holy huge photos....sorry about that. I'll go back and resize when I get on a desktop!

Dilynne · August 2016

My turn for photos. H and I had plans to go to a Bon fire with a bunch of his friends on Friday. Well I got some kind of plague and was laid up on the couch, so I told him to go have fun. Then I get this text from his best friend:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/43/gqr5q4md840x.png

So then I text H and this ensues:

Sorry if this is massive - I'm on mobile and never do this lol

KirstinH88 · August 2016

I'm willing to embarrass myself a bit for your laughter. I hope you find this as funny as I did. This last weekend, we went to the beach Boardwalk and rode all the rides. Here is part of the picture that was taken on the ride. What is going on with my face?! Hahaha!!

sorry if it's massive!

ETA: I may or may not have peed my pants a little bit on this ride. And it was just a little kiddie roller coaster! I guess I just hit one of the bumps just right. My bladder is not the same after DS.

lulu1180 · August 2016

This was a text I got from my sister back in February. My niece is 5 and (obviously) adorable

Edited to add pic

slaven · August 2016

@lulu1180 One of my SILs is only 7 and when we got married she got all excited about how now she gets to be an aunty. Apparently there was a baby in my belly simply because we were married...... She still talks about being an aunty every time we skype them

lulu1180 · August 2016

That's adorable @slavenski!

My dad became an uncle when he was 6 and told his teacher in the first day of 1st grade about it. She called him a liar and his mother took him in to school the next morning and told the teacher that he was, in fact, an uncle at 6

MollyandD · August 2016

slavenski said:

@lulu1180 One of my SILs is only 7 and when we got married she got all excited about how now she gets to be an aunty. Apparently there was a baby in my belly simply because we were married...... She still talks about being an aunty every time we skype them

I tried on my wedding dress when I was engaged, three years ago, at my mom's house. My nephew was visiting, and he said, "Hey, you got a baby in there?" As he pointed at my belly. I told him no, and he said, "But I can see it poking out."

I may not be stick thin, but dang kid! I wasn't overweight or anything.

slaven · August 2016

@MollyandD At least he's a kid. I was at the vet's office after work one time. I was wearing dress with a fitted bodice and skirt that flared from the waist. I guess my belly looked pregnant because the vet tech came up and started rubbing my stomach. It was insanely awkward because we're living in Korea and she's Korean but I don't know any Korean. If we were in the States I would be completely livid and start rubbing her belly just to make a point but you can't be rude here. All I said was "I'm not pregnant" and the look on her face was gold. Also, the following week DH and I signed up for professional portraits and the lady asked if we had kids, which we don't. And then, asked if I was sure. Yes I'm sure. Then, she had the balls to ask if I was really sure....She was a complete fatty herself. I don't mean that to insult anyone but I'm not fat. I'm a size 6/8 and it's not like she was a twig judging me for being a size 6. But like, if someone says they don't have kids, why would you question them further?

MollyandD · August 2016

@slavenski I'd be so mad if someone asked if I were sure I didn't have children. That's not really ok behavior.

slaven · August 2016

@MollyandD Honestly it was infuriating. I understand asking if we had kids because they'd want to know if we were doing a family portrait with them, but then to literally question my response as if I am not positive that I do not have children. DH was there and knew I was about to flip tables so he bought me taco bell. I'm sure in her mind I looked either slightly pregnant or postpartum but you don't ask those things and honestly I don't. I don't really know what a postpartum belly would look like to make her think I was lying about having kids, and I a) never comment on a stranger's pregnant belly unless they initiate it and b) never assume someone is pregnant unless they're super huge and I'm on the subway and give up my seat or something because I'm occasionally nice like that.

stillclever17 · August 2016

Omg @slavenski I'm so proud of you for not punching anyone. Are you sure? WTF?

@MollyandD I was laughing so hard at your story. Boys are so clueless sometimes. One time I asked my husband to put my hair in a ponytail because my hands were messy and he literally couldn't figure out how to wrap the hair tie around my hair. At first I was thinking, "are you brain damaged?" But then I remembered he's literally never had to ever make a ponytail in his life, so of course he was confused. One time I told him I would never drive all the way to Colorado unless I was too pregnant to fly. He laughed and said, "That's not a thing." He legitimately thought babies were born on their due dates. He's so clueless about female/baby stuff to the point that it scares me sometimes. He has THREE sisters

slaven · August 2016

@MollyandD They are clueless. DH didn't know ovulation was a thing. He thought that as long as you didn't have AF that you were fertile. They flying this was also a big discussion for us. He is adamantly against me delivering in Korea, despite the fact that people do it all the time, so if I get KU while we're here (which hopefully happens), I'll be flying back to MA to stay with his parents and he'll take leave around my EDD. While you are "allowed" to fly internationally until 36 weeks or so, he didn't realize that at 8 months pregnant I wouldn't want to be on a plane for 17 hours. I think we've decided on 28-30 weeks along as long as there are no complications. If there are then the Army will make me go back right away anyway.

tlunceford123116 · August 2016

My DH and I were talking one evening, and i jokingly mentioned that I had a muffin top (i don't, but not the point)
DH looked at me with the most sincere look and said "I LOVE your muffin top!"

now he knows what a muffin top is

jatwal128 · August 2016

@soemthingclever your story about your DH thinking babies are born on their due date reminded me of something my SIL just told me about my brother. Apparently they were hanging out with another couple and the girls were talking about drinking and being able to drink because you know you can't be pregnant at certain times and then having the "gray area". My brother laughed but then was like well yeah, but it's really all a gray area. I guess they looked at him like he was a little crazy so he continued to say there wasn't really a gray area because you can get pregnant at any time every month. Apparently to him it's all random and there's no pattern to anything and you are constantly fertile and always possibly pregnant lol. He apparently got a really good lesson on female reproduction that night. CM descriptions and all! I only wish i could've been there!

ETA: @slavenski i just read your comment about your DH thinking women are always fertile too! I guess boys are super clueless in general!

eggplantface · August 2016

slavenski said:

"DH was there and knew I was about to flip tables so he bought me taco bell."

I love Taco Bell

Image: https://media3.giphy.com/media/stVbNCK1U2sIo/200_s.gif

And this made me laugh:

KirstinH88 · August 2016

@eggplantface @slavenski I LOVE Taco Bell. Any time we are going out for dinner, my husband knows better than to ask me what I want because my answer will always be Taco Bell. Always.

eggplantface · August 2016

KirstinH88 said:

@eggplantface @slavenski I LOVE Taco Bell. Any time we are going out for dinner, my husband knows better than to ask me what I want because my answer will always be Taco Bell. Always.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/H46337dIpEO6Q/giphy.gif

laurad75 · August 2016

I love this thread.

@SnobunnieMel My H and I met training for a marathon so we have always run together but we have very different schedules. I can jump out of bed change my clothes and go. He needs to have a special breakfast and poop at least once but usually twice before leaving the house so I sit there twiddling my thumbs waiting to go for my run while he does his 'morning routine'. He loves running together so I find the patience for this as much as I can but I much prefer heading out on my own schedule.

SnobunnieMel · August 2016

@laurad75 does it get easier to train together? Cause I'm gonna kill him soon. He got up at 415 today to take his pills and poop several times. We did our first mile and then he had to walk cause of calf problems. We ran another half mile and then had to walk from 1.75 until home at 3 because of poop and calf pain. He refuses calf compression and KT tape and all that stuff. He says he needs to "run through it" like when he was training for baseball. Uh, dude, marathon training and your timed 2miles for spring training, not even close to the same. Use our "trickery" (his word) to let you run. Cause you are KILLING my training too

jatwal128 · August 2016

@SnobunnieMel Your recount of this morning legit had me laughing out loud. It sounds so much like my H. So many complaints and issues but doesn't want to use anything that might actually help. I know it's annoying, but stepping back and reading it like this is pretty comical! I do hope you're able to get on a good training schedule for yourself though!

laurad75 · August 2016

@SnobunnieMel Not for us. I would never run with him if it wasn't for the fact that he loves running with me so much. Once we get going its usually fine but I like to chat a little when I'm running with someone and he doesn't. Also, he wears a heart rate monitor and wants to run a pace based on that but the pace may not work for me so I end up running faster than I want or slower because of his heart rate. Its so annoying.

Luckily (for me) over the weekend we went to a costume party (theme was Studio 54) where he insisted on wearing platform heels and obviously he rolled his ankle so he can't run with me this week. Darn.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/WkGEysJZmoWk0/giphy.gif

MandyBeeSLP · August 2016

In my family it's a joke to always say you are 29 after you get into your 30's or 40's. My mom did it for so long she forgot how old she really was at one point. My DH has picked up on it as well. I legitimately turned 29 last Thursday and DH took the day off and we spent it together. Afterwards I thanked him for making my day special and he said "Well, you only turn 29 a couple dozen times."

LOL.

lmc929 · August 2016

We were at my friends wedding the other weekend and my immediate family was also invited. After the ceremony the bride and groom and their families were off getting pictures. My mom, who gets tipsy from a sip of wine, had a glass or two and notices that the groom is escorting who she assumes to be the bride into the tent. From our cocktail table she gets excited and says "Here they are! Everyone clap!" and begins an awkward applause throughout the reception. Then she realizes that he was walking with his mother and she made everyone clap for their entry.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/M0F8XL7edqDkc/giphy.gif

rainbowturtles · August 2016

These are hilarious!

Okay, I have a small funny from last weekend:

DH found this two long sword-like knife things in the shed and was using them to cut some weeds/do some landscaping.

So, he's wielding these things and say: "Look, I'm like Leonardo!"

Me, watching him from the deck: "Ya? What movie did he do that in?"

DH: "uhhhhh....Ninja Turtles!?!"

BAHAHA! I'm like: "oh, I thought maybe The Beach or something"

bswishe4 · August 2016

This is probably my favorite thread of the past month lol this just made my day!

KristoKekerooni · August 2016

Friendly note to tell ya'll when my DH proposed to me he said "I like you and stuff" and cried while I tried desperately not to laugh.

KirstinH88 · August 2016

KristoB said:

Friendly note to tell ya'll when my DH proposed to me he said "I like you and stuff" and cried while I tried desperately not to laugh.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! @KristoB That is amazing!

Sugargirl1019 · August 2016

I legitimately laughed at yalls stories. Thank you for this!

Aurora1973 · August 2016

These have had me laughing all day...and I know I have funny stories and times I've been so clumsy/stupid/awkward, and I cannot even think of one to contribute.

Image: https://cdn.meme.am/instances/55072572.jpg

@Sugargirl1019 and @MollyandD and whoever is having a rough TTC day, I'm glad the laughter helps. I know it's helping me!!

mrsdaddario · August 2016

This didn't happen recently, but I thought of it today so I'll put it here! I have loads of funny stories, but this one is cute!

The first time I slept over MH's house, I could tell he was pretty nervous. I knew he wanted everything to go smooth, and for me to have a nice time. We cooked dinner which was good, changed into pj's (separately since we hadn't fooled around yet lol) and put the TV on. At one point he got up to use the restroom and on his way back to the couch he accidentally walked into a bar/cabinet next to the front door. The first words out of his mouth were "oh, excuse me!" All nervous. I laughed so hard! Which I probably shouldn't have bc....mean, and he turned bright red! Needless to say, I totally gave him some that night LOL

MollyandD · August 2016

@mrsdaddario that sounds precious. I would laugh, but in a "you're so cute" way.

dinosaur · August 2016

My husband is always saying something ridiculous. I actually keep a note pad with me so I can write them down. Here are a few recent ones:

H: I. AM. A. ROBOT.
Me: Stop it, be normal please.
H: That's how the robot rebellion will begin. They will get tired of hearing all the micro aggressions, like being called 'not normal'.

While discussing mail -
H: If I was a mail man I would use 'big package' jokes every day! Guess what my future job will be?
Me: a mail woman?

H: Butter-nut, butter-nut, butter-nut, SQUASH! Da do do do do! Do you like my song?????
Me: *nods head to humour him*
H: Well you shouldn't!! because it sucked.

While looking for a package of gnocchi on the shelf.
H: gnocc-k gnocc-k gnocc-k gnocc-k. I'm calling the gnocchi so it will come out of hiding. gnocc-k gnocc-k! Why isn't it coming out??? Where is it?? ..... ..... Ahha! I found it!! It was hiding because it didn't want to be eaten, but toooooooooooo bad!!!

H: Who do you think is more attractive: Supergirl or Superman?
Me: Neither is that attractive. It also depends on which Superman, and I hate his stupid curly hair thing.
H: OMG I agree!!! It's so unattractive! I mean, his body is totally hot, but his face is awful. He would be fine if he wore a bag over his head, or at least over his stupid hair.

swanbrooner · August 2016

In honor of back to school, I'll share one of my favorite teacher memories.

A few years ago, a boy (a generally good kid) called another boy a douche nozzle. This is in 8th grade.

I told him that was inappropriate language for the classroom. He looked a little confused, so I asked him if he even knew what a "douche nozzle" was. He replies, "No. I don't know. Someone stupid or a jerk."

As an English teacher, I replied, "Well, that might be the figurative meaning of the term, but it is not the literal meaning."

Of course, I went on to explain, in detail, what douche is, what it is for, where it goes, and the function of a douche nozzle. I made sure to use the word vagina as much as
possible.

He was equal parts horrified and stunned.

A few years later, he came back and asked me if I remembered this "lesson"! Hahaha.

Nelbetron · August 2016

@SnobunnieMel omg you could be describing my dh... him and his ridiculously expensive pre workout, which he then goes on to complain about making him feel itchy all over, and making him poop and burp all throughout his run. And He just went through a calf thing too!! I don't get the whole pre workout thing though!

SnobunnieMel · August 2016

@Nelbetron what did he do for his calf?

i totally don't get the pre workout. I've managed 10 halves without it. He played pro baseball for 8 years without that kind of stuff. But heaven forbid we do a 2 mile run without taking it. I swear he thinks isn't allowed to work out otherwise or something. It doesn't "work right" otherwise. Big. Deal.

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