In Desperate Need of Positivity

joneser1281 · August 2016

Hi,

I am currently PUPO, 8dp5dt in my first IVF cycle. My first beta is tomorrow, but I started getting cramps early this morning.

They've been on and off throughout the day. I've taken 2 HPTs (the internet cheapie strip kind) in the last couple of days and both were BFN. I need some good vibes to get me through the next 24 hours please. I have a feeling things did not work, but am going to be highly upset if AF comes before I can even get the blood test! She could at least wait until I get through that... Is anyone in a similar situation? I welcome any thoughts or stories.

ADRIANAC1982 · August 2016

Awwwwwwwww, dont give up hope!!

Im going through my first IVF so I dont have any words of wisdom, but its not a BFN until that BETA comes back!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

Hi @joneser1281!

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Seems like the last 24 hours are the worst!! I am in the TWW as well and I'm going crazy! Beta on 8/8 and I've already started to feel like I could start my period at any minute. I will tell you though that A LOT of women on this site post how they think they're out bc they are feeling AF-like symptoms, and then BAM! They get BFPs!! This chart should make you feel better too - it could still be too early for HPTs! There's always hope until the beta results! Hold on hope and GL tomorrow!! Keep us updated! Praying for you!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@ADRIANAC1982 and @babylonghorn16 Thank you so much ladies for the kind words! I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk to women who are going through the same thing at the same time. I have two friends who have gone through IVF (one had two failed fresh cycles, but ended up getting pregnant on her own... the other had 3 failed fresh cycles and then a 4th FET that was successful and is now 5 mos pregnant) and they are great to go to for advice, but it's such a comfort to be able to talk with you ladies, who are in the trenches right now.

@ADRIANAC1982 Where are you in your IVF cycle? I'm glad to meet a first time IVFer like me.

@babylonghorn16 FX for you too! This wait is awful... My test is only 9 days after transfer and I know some clinics have you wait 14 days after transfer to test you. I am always hoping to be one of those ladies who thinks AF is coming and is proven wrong... But since that hasn't worked out yet, it is so hard to trust that! My cramps have just become kind of a dull ache. I am constantly checking myself every time I go to the bathroom, like a crazy person lol. I had read that chart you posted recently... I guess I just expected to be feeling something? About 3 days after my transfer, I just started feeling really "normal"... Like how I felt before I even began BCPS to begin my IVF cycle. Since then I have been thinking great... I feel nothing!

It's so hard because every single woman is different, as well as every pregnancy. The cramps have been my only sign that something could be happening... But it could also just mean AF. I'm not even certain when to expect my period, so that makes it all the more confusing. Last month I had a 37 day cycle because it was stretched out with the BCPS to begin IVF. The month before that I had a 26 day cycle. I think I'm on CD 25 or 26 today, so things can really go either way.

I so appreciate the well wishes from you both! I will keep you posted and I hope you will do the same... I have been hoping to find a few ladies on here to keep in communication with... I'm new and I've found that either the threads get out of control with so many posts I can't keep up, or discussions just kind of stop, haha. Hope to hear more from you girls on your journeys!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 could be good news you are feeling something!! I really hope you get your BFP tomorrow! You can join the "Beta Testing August 2016" thread - it's pretty small and you're a fit

! I know what you mean about checking every time you go to bathroom.... I"m doing the same, even though I don't think I'd start this early. So frustrating! I'm chalking up my cramping to PIO for now. Staying hopeful though!

ADRIANAC1982 · August 2016

@joneser1281 I am still stimming!

I should trigger between Tomorrow and Thursday!! EEeeeeeeeek

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 You have the right frame of mind! I hope you are right... My close friends (only a few know about my IF struggles) and DH always scold me that I need to think positively... It's just so hard when I've been let down so many times. I will check out the thread you mentioned, thank you! I saw in your signature stats (I need to do that yet, haha) you're doing a FET... I'm excited for you! I've heard from multiple sources (friends and doctors) who have said frozen embryos tend to have more success than fresh. What is the treatment like from start to finish for a FET? I've heard it's not as in depth as a fresh cycle. If this time doesn't work out for us, I'd like to jump into a frozen cycle ASAP. How is PIO? I am doing the Endometrin progesterone suppositories. That's not helping my feelings of something always coming out, lol. Good old gravity... What goes up, must come down! Haha. I've had some irritation from them and have considered switching to PIO next time... But I hate shots and I've heard the PIO is pretty painful?

@ADRIANAC1982 That is exciting! How are you feeling? I was pretty miserable while on my stim meds. I took Gonal-F and Menopur... I didn't start feeling better until I started the Cetrotide to prevent premature egg release. I have no idea why adding a third injection would make me feel better, lol... I told myself maybe it was counteracting one of the others that was giving me side effects haha.

ADRIANAC1982 · August 2016

@joneser1281 Im feeling so so! I had daily headaches when I started but now my body has adjusted!

So we shall see, im stopping the Gonal-F this evening so well see if I have any discontinuation symptoms

joneser1281 · August 2016

@ADRIANAC1982 Well that's not too bad. That's what I was expecting based on what my friends had said from their experiences. I am apparently more sensitive... I was miserable lol. Headaches, bloating, stomach pain, nausea, constipation... You name it, I had it. I didn't get OHSS at all either. Part of it may have been my nerves. I am easily stressed and not knowing what to expect with the meds definitely was hard for me. Maybe you will feel even better after stopping Gonal!

ADRIANAC1982 · August 2016

@joneser1281 Awwwwwwwww, itll be over before you know it! I definitely have bloating, and cramps but I think its because I have so many eggs at this point.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 my friends tell me to stay postive too... I completely understand being let down so many times, that it just feels impossible sometimes. Like, can I really expect anything other than a negative at this point?! Terrible, but I can't help it! As for the FET cycle, it is much less intensive bc you aren't stimulating any follicles. I took Lupron for a couple of weeks to suppress ovaries, and then estrogen pills, medrol, antiobiotic, and PIO starting 5 days before transfer. After transfer I continued PIO and estrogen only. I honestly don't think the PIO is that bad. I wake up, draw it up, ice the tush, and then get DH out of bed to administer. I don't even really feel it. It's uncomfortable, but nothing crazy. I was sore the first couple of days, but my tush seems to have gotten used to it. I'D MUCH rather take PIO than suppository!

Did you have your beta?? Hope it was good news!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Hi Ladies,

@ADRIANAC1982 I definitely felt crappy during most of my stim meds. I started to feel better near the end and I felt pretty good after my retrieval too. How are you? Did you trigger?

@babylonghorn16 It is extremely difficult to stay positive. When you never get good news, how do you make yourself think it's going to go any other way? Thank you for the info on FET. Good to know. I checked out the August board you mentioned, but I chickened out on joining when I saw all the women that had tested so far had BFPs! That was so awesome, but I felt a lot of pressure. I hated to jump in at the last minute and be the one to possibly ruin the streak.

I did have my beta yesterday... I'm afraid to even talk about it outloud... I'm just going to ask that you ladies keep sending positivity my way. I have another beta tomorrow and am terrified. I've made it this far before and am so scared it's going to all go away. I'm completely freaked out also that it's almost 4 years to the day that I had my chemical. I know chemical pregnancies are common with IVF and being that I have a history of it... I'm just really worried about tomorrow.

fivetimesnoluck · August 2016

@joneser1281 I've been lurking and just want to say I am wishing you all the good juju that I have to offer! Please let us know how tomorrow goes. And don't worry about breaking the streak, I already did!

Much love to you. Loss and IF are life-altering, but you are not alone. I'm so glad you reached out to the boards.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 you're silly... no one cares abt streak breaking! Although I can understand where you're coming from. Glad you reached out here though! Sounds like you got a BFP yesterday, so congrats! Gives me hope that we both had AF-like symptoms, and you got a postive! I understand your reluctance to celebrate yet... I can't imagine what's it's like to experience a loss. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Try to stay postive though! I'll keep you in my prayers. FX that beta keeps going up and up and up!! Keep us updated!! Hugs!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@fivetimesnoluck Thank you so much for the good juju! I need all I can get! I am going crazy today. My symptoms are very minimal, so it's easy for me to think bad things.

I'm sorry to hear about your news.

It truly never gets easier... And those of us who have been struggling with IF for years will never even trust it when we get good news! We'll never be able to enjoy a full 9 months of pregnancy because we'll always be worrying something will go wrong. I feel like it's not possible to relax until that baby is in your arms. But we have each other and we cannot give up... No matter how poor we become, haha. You too are not alone! Thank you so much for your kind words.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 Haha, I know no one would've cared about me breaking the streak... That's just how I get in my head about this stuff haha. I always expect the worst. Thank you... I just worry because I had those two negative HPTs (I haven't taken one since Tuesday morning) and I noticed my beta wasn't as high as the other ladies' who have posted on here lately. Basically, someone could tell me I have nothing to worry about and I'd find something no matter what. I think it's genetic... My mother is the same way haha. But 4 years ago I did get a BFP and I told a few people right away... and in a matter of maybe 5 days, it was all over. I'm just so afraid of it happening again.

Thank you for your kind words and positivity! And yes! You should have faith... I was completely blown away yesterday. I am sending good thoughts your way too... Only 4 more days right?!

FatPony · August 2016

How did the betas turn out?

Always hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I always just wait for my beta instead of POAS, in case it's a chemical pregnancy (just had one). I like to hold out hope for as long as possible.

And yes, you can get cramps and get a BFP. I got 'period-like cramps' before my beta and had a meltdown. Don't know what was going on there, but it ended in a healthy 9 lb baby.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good luck.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 i will wait to tell people as well. Only 3 days until beta!! Praying for positive, but even then, I'll be nervous abt getting past 1st trimester... like you said, I won't be at ease until I have a baby in my arms! Hope you find a way to stay positive!!

I am staying away from the HPTs. Too much stress. I need #s!

@FatPony staying hopeful, but always preparing for worst. Been having dull cramps in my abdomin for a while now. I really think it's the PIO. Not sure, but good to know that it's not a sure sign of a negative!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@FatPony You are smart to stay away from the HPTs. I have not used one since the day before my first beta and it was negative, so I've decided they're a cause of too much negativity and anxiety. I'm back to not really feeling anything, so that messes with my head. I had cramps on and off all day the day before my first beta. Then the next day I had some in the evening and yesterday and today, not really anything. It totally messes with my mind! I am always prepared for the worst too! My first beta was 117.3. Today's beta was 238.1. My RE said levels are rising appropriately... But when I compare to other ladies on the boards, I feel like my numbers are low. That worries me. Now I'm stuck waiting almost two weeks to go in for an ultrasound... I will surely go crazy! Thank you for the good vibes!

@babylonghorn16 Almost beta time for you! I can't wait to hear about it! Cramping is a good sign I think... Well, at least now I have some proof that it is haha. Thank you too for your kind words and positivity. I'm thankful we all have each other to trade advice and to vent to!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 Thankful we have each other as well!! It's really helpful. I hope this cramping is a good sign!! I'm going CRAZY waiting for Monday!!! As for your beta concerns, most women who are posting the high betas were tested on 11dpt... sounds like you were tested on 9dpt. I know it's hard, but try not to compare yourself to others. Everyone is SO different... it's not worth the stress! As long as your doc/nurse is okay with it, I wouldn't worry!! Excited for you!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 FX that your cramping is a good sign! I totally feel you on the wait... It's agony... Thank you for telling me that most of the first betas were 11 dpt! That makes me feel better. That would be the same as my second beta, as today would be 11 dpt. It is SO hard not to compare myself to others. I was talking about that with my friend yesterday who is 5 months pregnant from a FET. We were comparing symptoms and I was talking about how I always hear so much about breast pain/tenderness as a sign... Well my boobs must be rocks because I feel nothing in that area! When I had the chemical 4 years ago, that was my first sign. Now, nothing. She said hers were very sore initially with this pregnancy. Naturally I'm thinking oh crap... Something's going to go wrong because my boobs don't hurt and they're supposed to. I'm crazy. :

DH can't handle my negativity lol. He's like stop it already! I just don't want to relax and think positively and then be blindsided by bad news. That's not just how I am with baby stuff, it's kind of how I am with life in general haha.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@ADRIANAC1982 I just saw in your stats that you had ER today! How did everything go?!

FatPony · August 2016

You can't compare yourself to others. As long as your levels are rising correctly, that's all that matters. Congrats, you're preggers!

P.S. - I didn't ever have sore boobs my whole pregnancy.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@FatPony I know... That's just what I do because I don't have any experience with being pregnant so I have no idea what I should/not be feeling. Thanks! I just hope it stays that way... I appreciate your kindness... And your input!

Elyse1384 · August 2016

@joneser1281 don't worry about other ladies' betas. Your numbers look great and increased nicely. (TW: pregnancies mentioned) With my first, the numbers were a bit lower than yours, but also increased accordingly. I think my first beta was just below 100. With my second, my betas were insanely high (they thought the embryo might have split). As you can see, even the same woman can have very different results so don't worry! Congrats on your BFP!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Thank you, @Elyse1384 ! I greatly appreciate your positive thoughts and kindness. I can only hope that things continue to go well. I am now having issues with my insurance not wanting to cover the Endometrin I've been taking. The authorization for it went through back in June when all of my stim meds were ordered, but I didn't actually pay the copay or have it delivered with the others because a friend had given me a 3 week supply she didn't need. Well I'm almost out of it now and when I called to now have delivered what the doctor ordered for me, good ole Highmark is now saying they're not covering it. Honestly! It's going to be $535 for just one month! I guess figuring out this mess will keep me busy until my ultrasound!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Well I'm back to the title of this post... I started spotting today. It started out as just a light brown tint I saw on the Endometrin that's constantly running out of me, this morning. I mssged my clinic and was told it's common and to not be concerned. Well then I went to church and grocery shopping and it progressed to more spotting that is pinkish red.

It's not a full on flow, but there's stuff on the tp each time I wipe (sorry, TMI). My clinic is now closed until tomorrow morning. I sent them another message to let them know. I just don't know if I should call as if it's an emergency or not? I feel like no matter what, they're going to have me come in for bloodwork and that can't be until tomorrow anyway.

tcolechia · August 2016

@joneser1281 I am in the same boat as you. I called this morning and talked with one of the nurses and she said to continue with the endometrin and come in tomorrow morning for my beta.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@tcolechia Thank you for posting! I was hoping to find someone who had some experience with this. Is this your first beta? I've had two and both were good... I don't go back for another week for an US. I did end up calling and talking to my RE, who was on call. She said what I'm going through is not uncommon. She said unless I would have significant bleeding for 24 hours, there isn't anything that they do. She said if that happens, they would have me in to check my levels again. She said the spotting is not uncommon when on Endometrin. I'm just worried because the blood is pretty red. I guess I just have to see how the next 24 hours go. I think if I had cramping or bleeding, I'd feel a little better to have one or the other. Having both is making me feel like things are definitely going wrong. FX that you get good news tomorrow!

tcolechia · August 2016

@joneser1281 yes this was my first time doing IVF and tomorrow will be my first beta. I have been taking HPTs since my 5dt and all have been BFN. I'm trying to stay hopeful that tomorrow's beta will turn out differently.

joneser1281 · August 2016

@tcolechia This was my first time with IVF as well. I hope you get good news tomorrow... I had two BFNs before I got my first positive beta, so don't count yourself out yet! You truly never know what's going to happen. I am sending good thoughts your way!

@babylonghorn16 I am sending good thoughts your way too for tomorrow! FX!

I myself have been doing alot of crying. My bleeding has progressively gotten worse. I have even passed some small clots. I am certain there's no way that can be good news. DH keeps telling me to have faith, but he just doesn't understand. :'(

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

Thanks @joneser1281. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now!! I pray that the bleeding lessens and you end up with a healthy pregnancy. Hopefully they can get you in tomorrow to give you peace of mind. Lots of hugs!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

Thank you, @babylonghorn16. I hope so too. Ugh.

FatPony · August 2016

So sorry to hear, passing clots does not sound good. Keep in mind that even if your doc's office is closed, they wouldn't be able to do anything for you anyway, unfortunately. Please update us. Keeping you in my thoughts

tcolechia · August 2016

@joneser1281 So sorry to hear this is happening to you! Have you talked to your doctor yet today? I went for my beta today knowing that It will be a BFN. My bleeding has gotten even worse then yesterday. I understand what you mean about trying to have faith.

joneser1281 · August 2016

Thanks so much, @FatPony... I'm sure you're right, it's probably not good. I'm in the waiting game again. I spoke with a nurse early this morning and she said she would update my RE when she came in today and then get back to me with her recommendation. I just heard back... My RE wants me to rest and continue to monitor the bleeding for 24 hours and let them know if it continues. I'm told to try and stay positive... AHHHH! Just have me come in to check my levels! If this did not work out, I do not want everything to be dragged out with me being tortured in limbo. I want to begin to accept it and move forward. Last night I bawled my eyes out all evening... Today I'm feeling a tiny bit positive, but I won't know how to feel until I have numbers to prove it.

Last night I put my Endometrin in before bed. I didn't really have much flow through the night. TMI alert - Nothing on the pad until I got up a time or two to use the bathroom, and then it was just some light brown fluid. I put in my Endometrin in again this morning. I'm having some brown spotting on my pad (darker than last night's fluid) and when I wipe. I still have some cramping from time to time too.

I just don't know what to think... I was devastated yesterday, and today I feel like since I'm not bleeding as much and since they've told me to try and be positive, that it's giving me false hope. You know I've searched for and read a hundred stories online about women who bled heavily with clots early on and went on to have healthy babies... Lol. Whatever gets me through I guess, until I know for sure.

@babylonghorn16 Any news yet?! I'm dying to know! FX still crossed

joneser1281 · August 2016

@tcolechia Sending you love today...

Have you received your beta results yet? Do you know for sure it's a BFN?

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@joneser1281 I'm so sorry they have you in limbo!!!! Sometimes I don't think they realize how cruel that is. I've also read about women bleeding throughout pregnancies and having a healthy baby. I pray that is the case!! Should give you some hope. FX that it subsides and that you go on to have a healthy LO!!

No news on beta yet. IM DYING. Went in @ 7:15am and won't know until about 1:30 CST. Nurse gave me some hope - said that my progesterone levels were "really nice and high" and that usually when they see numbers like that, it's bc of a pregnancy. I am cautiously optimistic! Will update when I hear!!! AHHH!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 Exactly! It is cruel! I mean, since bleeding can be common with IVF, I guess they need to have a policy like this 24 hour thing in place... Otherwise they'd be swarmed with women coming in for blood work every time they saw some spotting, but c'mon! Clots?! There should be a loophole for clots!

I'm losing my positivity again because I'm seeing some red blood again. Sigh! I'm lying down now and plan to do this for most of the day, so I guess I'll just see what happens... What other choice do I have? I can't believe you are still waiting! That's a long time! Normally I would know in about 3 hours. I'm glad things are looking good for you! Keep me posted!

Another dilemma I have is that I'm almost out of Endometrin. I only have enough to get through Wednesday... But yet I hate to order it and spend the money right now if I'm not going to need it. Again, just TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?!

The nurse seems to think I should get some. If this doesn't work out, I do plan to try again as soon as possible with FET, but I'm thinking of maybe doing the shots instead of the Endometrin. If that's the case, then I really don't want to order it now because I won't end up using it.

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

They called early!!!!

*TW* (i've been waiting to type those two letters!!!)

BFP! I can't believe it. omg omg omg. I'm shaking. Started bawling on the phone with my nurse. Luckily I had JUST stepped out to lunch, so no awkward crying in front of co-workers. I CANT BELIEVE IT! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! HCG was 401 @ 11dpt5dt!!! I'm blown away. Keeping this between us until I can tell DH

! AHH!!

joneser1281 · August 2016

@babylonghorn16 Yay! So happy for you!

Haha! Ok, I won't tell! Lol. That is a great first number too!

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