Not parenting my children the same as others

themuffinman16 · August 2016

I am the last one in both of our families, pretty much, to have a child and a FTM. My husband's family is very lax and they do things that I would never allow for my child. I am nervous when they do it for their child, but it's not my place to say anything. The things they allow are alarming to me, and I'm just wondering how to stand my ground with my child and not seem like I am judging them, but also so that my wishes are respected. The things I find alarming is they allow their two year old to swim in the pool with only arm floatees on and no one is ever standing right next to her. The other thing is, they allow their 2 year old daughter to go in the hot tub for around 35 minutes. I think a hot tub that is 101 degrees can be way too dangerous for a child that young. On a lesser, but still a big deal to me, their grandpa (my husband's father) gives the kids treats that are junk food and choking hazards since the babies are one years old. And grandpa always picks the kids up by their arms to lift them since they are one years old. Anyone else face these issues? I know there are more issues I will be dealing with a lot sooner, these issues really concern me. How would you ladies get your wishes across while trying not to seem judgy to other parents. In essence, I am judging them, because I am saying it is wrong for my child because I feel it's dangerous, when they have allowed it.

ThePax89 · August 2016

Just do what is right for your family. They will definately judge you, and will probably think you are judging them, but if the things you do are not negotiable- meaning, you believe that for the welfare of your child, you must do...then go right ahead and do them and don't worry

sweetyjenj · August 2016

I know my in-laws gave their kids (DH included) soda and junk food as early as they asked for it (in sippy cups even!) And my BIL allows it for his 3 kids. I told my MIL that our kids won't have any soda or plain sugary juice until much much later, and when I said that she gave a look at DH that essentially said "She would say that, but you'll let me give it to your child bc I'm gma, right?" And I had to have a talk with DH about his wishes, too, bc I KNOW they will try to convince DH to let them do it behind my back. THANKFULLY DH is on my side, so he'll stand up for us. BIL swears in front of his kids, they drink a lot of alcohol at all the kids bday parties, and all have poor nutrition. I worry about leaving our kids with my IL's, but I will not be afraid to stand my ground, even though they'll probably judge.

Wholesome · August 2016

Have facts be your go-to and be able to say things like:
-studies show that...
-scientific findings conclude that...
-the AAP recommends...
-my doctor says...
-there have been cases showing how it's harmful...

So, research each thing that bothers you so you can have science on your side. Just because something has historically been done a certain way, doesn't mean there can't be better ways.

ive found a lot of the older generation rejects advancement when it comes to certain things. Someone on here said its because they think us saying to do it differently now means they were a bad parent because they didn't do it that way back then.

Car seat safety is always a struggle with some, the new recommendations say the minimum for rear facing should be two years - even though in most places the law only enforces one year... even though science says it should be more like four years. Some people only listen to historical advice and ignore advancements though, so you'll have people of childbearing age argue against this stuff too.

Youll run into this a lot. Just have factual backup.

karaelaine1991 · August 2016

I agree with @Wholesome; having research to back up your side can be super helpful! I also think that it's important to know when to pick your battles. As the mom, you have every right to say no whenever you want, but for me, I've found that there are some things that are more important to me than others. For example, DH and I have a very strict "no kid pictures on social media" policy. My MIL was not really on board and didn't understand why I wouldn't want to show off pictures of my daughter (or allow her to do so) but when we explained our reasons to her, including research that we'd found, she accepted it and has been very cooperative because she understands why it's so important to us even if she doesn't necessarily agree with it. On the other hand, we usually feed DD pretty healthily but my family is all about junk food. One of the things my dad was most excited for was taking her to get ice cream and taking her for walks to Dunkin Donuts, because that's something his grandpa did with him. Ordinarily, we wouldn't have her eating ice cream and donuts, but honestly, every once in a while won't kill her and it's something my dad was SO excited for. So when we go to visit my parents, we just expect that she'll be eating a little more junk than normal. Our leniency with this has also made my family more cooperative when we say we're going to take a night off from dessert.

zdmd_14 · August 2016

Food is definitely my biggest battle with extended family. I'm pretty militant about it before 12 months and then after that I try to create a little wiggle room.
I think you have to pick two or so absolute non negotiables and then try to give them a little leeway on other things (not talking about true safety stuff like swimming--I'm thinking of types of toys, screen time, or sweets etc).

For my family, the science/research stuff is more upsetting. I really just need to say "we don't ____" or "don't give her ___ at all". And if I don't think I can trust you, then you'll have to deal with me hovering. Like I said, before 12 months, it doesn't matter how much you begged me to give the kids ice cream, I'm not doing it. But now that they are older (8 & 6), we make some exceptions but plan ahead. My girls know that if they go to Pop's house, they can have one cup of soda/juice and then they need to switch to water/milk. And that they are expected to try and remember even if grandparents don't. We also talk about those choices in front of grandparents. Like "you've already watched an hour of TV today. So
if you watch the show that Grammy is offering, you won't have any TV time before bed." And then they get to make their choice, but Grammy (hopefully) knows that her spoiling them factors into the equation and comes out somewhere else.

Wholesome · August 2016

I think a combo of all these ^ is awesome:
-here's how we do it
-if pushback give facts
-try to be lenient occasionally where it's not detrimental

themuffinman16 · August 2016

Thank you, ladies. I certainly don't want to hurt their feelings. Your advice really helped

katesmama0706 · August 2016

I'm in the same boat, compared to my in-laws I am insanely strict and routine oriented and safety conscious. We've been on vacation with them all (my DH is the youngest of 6) this weekend and I hadn't realized just how drastic it really was until this weekend. I've done a lot of just removing my kid from the situation or justifying myself which I think is ridiculous (really? I mean really? I have to explain why I don't want you giving my 1 year old candy and why I'm putting her to bed at 7?) I don't have any advice but I have lots of sympathy.

canavara · August 2016

Not quite the same but on the other side of the fence, I'm currently having this battle with my own family instead of ILs. ILs are totally reasonable and disciplined people (despite the fact that MIL is the queen of backhanded compli-sults). My own family however has a long, long history of type 2 diabetes that frustrates me. I'm constantly told "just you wait, it'll happen to you too..." like it's just this inevitable thing and surprise, my doctors say I'm extremely low risk for it because I haven't followed the same lifestyle.

Even though LO won't be here for another 4.5 months, I figure now is the best time to be firm about opinions and start setting the guidelines and rules. I've been giving my mom modern, up-to-date books to read about child safety, discipline, and nutritional tips, trying not to push a negative agenda on the matter by simply saying, "I know it's been 3 decades since you had me and there's a lot of boring stuff you've shoved out of memory for more recent things, so just to help you catch up! LO is going to have a lot of positive influences in his life and I want to make sure we're all doing the best we can to make sure he grows up to make smart and healthy decisions!" and of course, encouraging her to eat better herself by reminding her of what's in it for her: "You won't have to take so many medicines, you'll feel better, and think about how awesome it'll be when you're around to see your grandson get married!"

It's firm but it's also spun in a positive manner so it doesn't feel like she's being personally attacked.

ETA: It's also been a rough uphill battle, and although the change has been slow, I have been seeing some positive results. I have to keep reminding myself: "She's trying and I can tell she wants to be ready for her grandson."

Teach123 · August 2016

For some reason, the parents and in-laws are surprised my LO (3 now) doesn't like pop. He's never had it. It's not something we would ever offer to him. My mom tried to get him some at lunch out today, and I told her I do not want him to have it. There's no need for him to aquire a taste for it when he's never had it. He took one sip, and he said yuck. I was like just get him water or tea.

hjmorgan-2 · August 2016

This worries me as well... My In-Laws are very relaxed when it comes to the kiddos... They're back yard is covered with all sorts of junk, old tools, sheds, wood, nails, rats etc. But they let my nephews, whom are still toddlers, run around without any shoes! Also they are a 'spanking' family(we are too, but ONLY mommy and daddy control discipline) they allow everyone to discipline the kids, including siblings. I've ignored theses up until now, because they aren't my kids, it's not my business. But it terrifies me because I don't know how they are going to react to my husband and I being COMPLETELY different.

I'm sorry but no one has the right to lay a hand on MY child. I don't care who you are. If I spank then my husband and I will be the only ones.(and my parent only ever used 'thin' switches--no bruises, nothing broken, not marks. It just stings)

zdmd_14 · August 2016

HJ.Morgan said:

This worries me as well... My In-Laws are very relaxed when it comes to the kiddos... They're back yard is covered with all sorts of junk, old tools, sheds, wood, nails, rats etc. But they let my nephews, whom are still toddlers, run around without any shoes! Also they are a 'spanking' family(we are too, but ONLY mommy and daddy control discipline) they allow everyone to discipline the kids, including siblings. I've ignored theses up until now, because they aren't my kids, it's not my business. But it terrifies me because I don't know how they are going to react to my husband and I being COMPLETELY different.

I'm sorry but no one has the right to lay a hand on MY child. I don't care who you are. If I spank then my husband and I will be the only ones.(and my parent only ever used 'thin' switches--no bruises, nothing broken, not marks. It just stings)

This part makes me nervous this go around as well. Since this is DHs first bio kid and his parents definitely spanked/used switches growing up, I have no idea what to expect. My girls are old enough and generally well behaved enough to where it has never been
something that has come up with my in laws. So I'm not sure if I will get flack for not spanking at all. Not looking forward to that battle. My parents only spanked a handful of times so it came up once with my first kid and never again after that. And I know my Inlaws will be horrible about junk food but my whole family is and we deal with it constantly with the girls so that's not new...I'm sure they expect my "craziness" there lol

ElleMF728 · August 2016

I personally don't like to use the whole studies show or scientific studies thing only because it allows for argument. The response I tend to get is "well, this study shows" or "Previously, science said" and to be honest, in many cases it is true. For example, when I had DS1 just three years ago the recommendations on finger foods were so different from when I had DS2 just 1 year ago. I have occasionally found it counterproductive. When you say these things because science or studies people who do choose differently tend to hear "We do this because science says that this is the RIGHT way" which can come off as judgmental.

What I find most effective is to remind myself that I don't owe anyone an explanation. I'm the mother and what I say goes. My response is typically "We don't do that" or "He isn't allowed to have that". Period. End of story. There doesn't need to be a discussion. My oldest is 3 years old and has never had juice, ever. Whenever we are at parties and someone offers DH or I just tell them that he only drinks water and leave it at that.

mommy2ane · August 2016

I think that it's also really important to pick and choose what you're going to be really firm about. For example, making sure he behaves is more important to me. Both my parents and in-laws are aware of that. They know how his time outs work and they pretty much follow it when he's with them. They're also aware of what he's allowed and not allowed to do. I don't worry about what he eats with them and the only thing really off limits is soda. I figure they get to be fun and enjoy that. If he eats too much sugar, well they get to suffer the consequences of a hyper toddler.

At first though, my parents, especially my mom, thought we were too strict with him. That was really frustrating. But I had to let it go. And then recently, they both commented that they're glad I've been strict with him because he's pretty well behaved. And when he was a baby, there were times that I made him do tummy time and he wasn't happy about it so they'd try to pick him up. Now they say they're glad I did it because my uncle's baby has to be carried everywhere and that's been a pain. Let them make comments and hold your ground on things that are truly important, especially regarding safety.

zdmd_14 · August 2016

ElleMF728 said:

I personally don't like to use the whole studies show or scientific studies thing only because it allows for argument. The response I tend to get is "well, this study shows" or "Previously, science said" and to be honest, in many cases it is true. For example, when I had DS1 just three years ago the recommendations on finger foods were so different from when I had DS2 just 1 year ago. I have occasionally found it counterproductive. When you say these things because science or studies people who do choose differently tend to hear "We do this because science says that this is the RIGHT way" which can come off as judgmental.

What I find most effective is to remind myself that I don't owe anyone an explanation. I'm the mother and what I say goes. My response is typically "We don't do that" or "He isn't allowed to have that". Period. End of story. There doesn't need to be a discussion. My oldest is 3 years old and has never had juice, ever. Whenever we are at parties and someone offers DH or I just tell them that he only drinks water and leave it at that.

This. Exactly.
It leaves less room for debate and is usually less judgy sounding.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · August 2016

If you DH is on the same page as you (I assume he is) then he needs to explain to his family how you're raising your kids and they need to comply within reason. He handles his family, you handle yours. Do you think his family isn't going to listen to you? I am trying to figure out why you're stressing about it. You can just say this is how we decided to do things and leave it at that. If you just say we're doing X and don't say anything about how they do it that isn't judging it's just stayin a fact, like "we aren't giving the kids soda."

Example: we we don't give our son juice. It just the decision we made and I just tell teachers or other parents "DS doesn't drink juice so just milk or water should be ok." I don't make any statements as to why no nice so it's just a fact, nothing that can be taken as judging.

sagoon · August 2016

Everyone has given really good advice. I second the 'because I'm the mommy and I said so' approach, rather than citing studies. Using 'his/her doctor said...' works as well, as the doctor is an authority figure who is not there to be argued with. Picking your battles is also a good idea. For my son, I compromise on things like screen time and junk food while at grandma's house, but refuse to budge on things like allowing my MIL to drive my 4 year around in just a booster seat because 'he's so tall'. No. Water safety is an issue I would refuse to budge on if I were you.

As for being judged, they will judge you, there is nothing you can do about it. My in laws seem to take it personally every time we do something different with our son than my SIL did with hers. Like, to the point that she called her pediatrician to make sure he took our insurance plan so that they could go to the same doctor, and just assuming that we would be sending him to the same (very expensive and religious) preschool even though it was all the way across town and we are not religious in the way that they are. When we go ahead and do our own thing, they act all offended as if we are doing things differently just to judge them. Eventually, you just have to do your own thing and let other people worry about themselves. Just do your best for your kids and let the chips fall where they may.

(or move 2000 miles away - it solved the preschool situation for us without us having to put our foot down

)

nolemomma14 · August 2016

I agree that it's important to just stand your ground, and I don't think an explanation is necessary other than "that's what we've decided" definitely make sure you and DH are on the same page. My parents and in laws know the things that are absolutely non negotiable for us. They also know that if they can't follow our requests then they don't have to watch DS.

themuffinman16 · August 2016

@LoveIsOwlYouNeed I'm pretty concerned he won't listen to me. My SIL is a phys. therapist. FIL still picks up her child by the arms, even though she has told him not to several times and explained why. She reacted the same with the choking hazards and junk food since her daughter was a year old. I know they will get junk food at grandpa's house, but I wish he would wait until they are older. He also gives them so much junk food, that every time his grandkids spend time with him, one of them is guaranteed to throw up from a tummy ache. And even after a child throws up, to grandpa, that does not mean stop. It means there is room for more candy. He is very argumentative, and all his children have quit arguing with him and let him do whatever he wants. I think everyone else might respect my wishes but him

Kurtni · August 2016

@themuffinman16 If he is that disrespectful, then you have to ensure he has no unsupervised time with your child. If he tries to do something you say not to, intervene. Leave if you have to. Your FIL does that because his children let him walk all over them.

colleenkevin · August 2016

Kurtni said:

@themuffinman16 If he is that disrespectful, then you have to ensure he has no unsupervised time with your child. If he tries to do something you say not to, intervene. Leave if you have to. Your FIL does that because his children let him walk all over them.

I agree with this. Also, if he ignores you and can't show you respect I would say there need to be consequences. Under normal circumstances I don't advocate for limiting or eliminating the grandparents' access to their grandchildren, but if he's blatantly ignoring your parenting wishes to the point of harming your child (ex: offering sweets until they throw up and then offering more is harmful imo), then maybe he needs to be told he won't be allowed to see his grandchild until he learns to respect you as the decision-maker.

jalapenopopper · August 2016

I'm really glad this thread was started, my husband and I were just having this discussion yesterday. Our child isn't even here yet and we're already getting nervous, we don't have any examples to look at for how my IL's treat small children because all other grandchildren for them are 16, 18 and 21 years old. We went to dinner with them last night and my FIL is awesome and absolutely respects boundaries, MIL not so much. We were talking about the baby (this is both our first child) and we said that we're still on the fence about finding out the sex but even if we do, we decided not to share the sex with friends, family or coworkers - reason being, if we're having a girl, we don't want her future wardrobe to be overly puffy/frilly/poofy/pink things and if we're having a boy we don't want his stuff to be all sports and dirt focused. We also decided that the nursery will be space themed despite the sex because we want our kids to grow up with an interest in science and a curiosity for things other than what is deemed "gender appropriate" - absolutely nothing against parents who do, do this/want this, we don't mind a little of any of those things but my academic love is sociology and I understand my child(ren) will be exposed to binary gender norms everywhere else,I want to provide a space where they don't necessarily feel that pressure. We got the BIGGEST eye roll from his mom and she argued that girls are frilly, pink and dainty and boys are rough & tumble, so of course we argued that girls can do anything that boys can do and same goes the other way, and she opposed the idea of having a "star wars" themed room regardless of baby's sex, when I corrected her and said "it's space themed" she said "same thing." lol

I consider myself to be very empathetic and do my best to avoid confrontation,I try to figure out where the other person is coming from first but my husband said that I need to stick up for myself now because if I don't nip her behavior soon, it'll get worse when baby is here and he made the point that he can't white knight for me every time. For me, it's not so much about arguing back, but when I see her shake her head or roll her eyes I just want say, "why does that upset you? It's not detrimental to anyone's mental, physical or emotional well being, and if anything we're promoting a positive environment of opportunity for our child instead of putting them into a box of social expectations" but she would probably take it the wrong way and after reading the above advice, it would only leave room for her to rebuttal and impose even further judgement. I'm definitely going to try just being direct and saying what we prefer and leave it at that, it's just more intimidating when it's your IL's versus your own parents - when it's my mom, I shut her down immediately, but we have a good relationship and she doesn't get offended if I get overly bitchy with my tone.

Wholesome · August 2016

Maybe it's just been my experience. When I told my in laws and family things like we don't do baby cereal. Each one said a variation of, "I gave each of my children baby cereal when they were infants, it helped them sleep better -- I don't understand why you won't allow it." (And something similar for EACH thing I said no to...) Maybe it's just because each person in our family is a strong authoritarian leader-type... Business owners, executives, law enforcement, chief financial officer, bank auditor, etc. (strong willed people who are used to being in charge). When I tell them facts and science, they get off my back, learn something and then support me. I guess it's best to feel the situation and see what works best for you.

ETA
The only thing this hasn't worked on completely for my mom is car seats. She insists it is too uncomfortable to rear face and the baby doesn't like not looking forward. The science shut her up mostly but her attitude on the matter hasn't gone away.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · August 2016

themuffinman16 said:

@LoveIsOwlYouNeed I'm pretty concerned he won't listen to me. My SIL is a phys. therapist. FIL still picks up her child by the arms, even though she has told him not to several times and explained why. She reacted the same with the choking hazards and junk food since her daughter was a year old. I know they will get junk food at grandpa's house, but I wish he would wait until they are older. He also gives them so much junk food, that every time his grandkids spend time with him, one of them is guaranteed to throw up from a tummy ache. And even after a child throws up, to grandpa, that does not mean stop. It means there is room for more candy. He is very argumentative, and all his children have quit arguing with him and let him do whatever he wants. I think everyone else might respect my wishes but him

Yikes...if it's really important to you, maybe you have to let him see consequences for not doing what you've asked...i.e. ok the kids are coming over any more if you're going to give them junk food and put their safety in danger. It is definitely a sucky situation but don't hesitate to do that if this is really important to you...

mommy2ane · August 2016

Ugh! I'm mobile bumping and I think I accidentally hit report on one of the comments here. I'm so sorry if it's yours!!!! I don't know if there's anything I can do to fix it or if it even went through, but if it was yours, I'm so sorry!!!!

sagoon · August 2016

@Wholesome I feel you on the baby cereal thing. I remember my MIL pushing it and pushing it, and us just politely declining it until she actually went out and bought a box of it. No amount of explaining that it is just empty calories and doesn't actually fill the baby up faster would help. She had fed it to her kids and by god her grandson was going to get some. The box ended up sitting in the back of our fridge until we got around to throwing it out. Some people just won't accept when baby-related recommendations change. People used to rub whisky on babies gums to help with teething pain. I have no doubt it worked, but we no longer do it and with good reason. Times change!

BrennansMom2012 · August 2016

I agree with other posters about picking your battles, picking a couple hard rules and being lenient for things that are truly important to your families--like family traditions. I was very strict about certain things--feedings and bedtime specifically until our son was about 2 then I started letting up in little ways. While I might not agree with everything my parents and my inlaws do with our son I also have to remember that they raised myself, my husband and our siblings. No, everything wasn't perfect but they did their best just as we are trying to do now.

It sounds like your FIL and the rest of the family have very little respect for each other. I would also suggest limiting alone time with FIL if he doesn't comply with your wishes. You don't need to use any evidence or reasoning (unless you like too, I'm a bossy bitch

. I'm the Mom. Period. They will judge and let them--you're going to be judged for everything you do as a Mom anyways. Hell, you can't go to the grocery store without being judged--usually by the other Moms who think they're better than you because you don't use a Grocery seat cover or you open up a box of cheez-it's because it'll buy you some more time! LOL You'll grow a thick skin once your LO is here and that confidence will increase as it should.

Carly79 · August 2016

I find educating on what I've learned in my research when someone says something or asks a question has gone a long ways to help. My parents have 6 grandkids with 4 under 4 so they have had a lot of opportunity of learning the new recommendations. My sister has gone ahead of me and is pretty on top of a lot of that stuff so it's not new for my parents. My IL's on the other had have 2 other grandkids that they actually helped raise but the youngest is 16 so it's been a long time. My MIL still has trouble not commenting on things or trying to jump in instead of asking if we need help or want her opinion but most of the time I ignore her or tell her why her suggestion is not appropriate. She could not understand why I wouldn't let my son have icecream or cake (or similar type things) until his first birthday and then very limited after that and often made comments about giving it to him or how he really wants some and I just had to stand my ground. My husband was on the same page as me so that helps. My sister's inlaws completely disregard her wishes and have very different views and opinions when it comes to raising kids and therefore, my sister and her husband do not let them watch their kids or be alone with their kids. If someone can't get on board with your wishes then they don't get to watch the baby or be left alone with the baby.

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