Boundaries

Carly79 · August 2016

I know we have a few threads regarding MIL's or IL's in general but wasn't sure where this fit in. So with my first baby, my MIL was very interested in the breastfeeding piece. She never did and her daughter never did so she really didn't have much to go on. I'm fairly comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding around my family and IL's and feel that if my FIL or dad aren't they can leave the room. So, when my first was born, and we were in the hospital trying to nurse, she was there and asked questions and such and it overall wasn't a bad experience. However, that's where my comfort stops and she seems to really struggle with appropriate boundaries with me. I ended up exclusively pumping, long story, so whenever we were at their house and I was pumping, I would usually go in to another room, sometimes their bedroom because it was on the mail floor and closest. She had no problem walking in and talking to me and such. Nursing in front of her no big deal, pumping is an all together different thing because there is nothing like being attached to a milking device with who knows what hanging out. Ok, so that happened a few times and I just never really knew what to say. So, the other day she was at our house. My son often follows me in to the bathroom. He apparently decided he wanted out and I told him he had to wait a minute until I was done. While low and behold, my MIL heard the conversation and opens the door and escorts him out of the bathroom!! UMMMM excuse me, that is too far. My husband doesn't come in to the bathroom while I'm going (and I don't go in while he's going). I'm trying to figure out how to nicely set some boundaries, especially with another baby on the way. We overall have a pretty good relationship, but sometimes this sort of confrontation is really tough for me. Ideas on how to try to set some boundaries now??

colleenkevin · August 2016

That is completely inappropriate. I am actually baffled as to how you can explain boundaries to someone whose concept of them is so far beyond normal. My own mother doesn't walk into the bathroom on me when the door is closed. I leave the door open when it's just DD and me and she's visiting (so there's a comfort level that exists between us that it sounds like you dont have established with you MIL) and my mother STILL has never and I think would never open the closed bathroom or bedroom door without permission.

I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's never simple with in laws compared to immediate family.

Kurtni · August 2016

I think we get too caught up on "nicely". Just saying "Hey, that was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. Please don't do that again" is not mean or rude. You have the right to advocate for yourself. You can't control how they react but I find being direct is the best thing.

EISG918 · August 2016

Can your husband say something to her? I'm not sure if that would help, as my DH has to communicate with my ILs if I have a problem because they are mostly Spanish speaking and if there's something serious going on, it's easier for them to get the picture if he opens his mouth. If it's my SILs, that's another story - I'm all over telling them how I feel. She needs to hear it one way or another that what she is doing is not okay and makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

ThePax89 · August 2016

That's insane. It's absolutely crazy. Wtf!
Also, I nurse without a cover, and am a super lactivist...but the idea of someone watching me pump makes me squeamish. Have your husband tell her she's a weirdo. I'm glad she's supportive of BFing, however.

BrennansMom2012 · August 2016

Thats a tough situation to navigate given you haven't spoken up previously. I would either have a sit down conversation with her before the baby is born and explain your feelings or broach it when the second one is born in the moment.

Teach123 · August 2016

I would just say could you excuse me a minute then wait for her to leave. If she doesn't get the hint and move for the door immediately, I would add to it I'm not comfortable doing this in front of people.

Wholesome · August 2016

I'm pretty blunt. I would have said on the spot, "hey, I don't walk into the bathroom when you're using it, why do you think it's okay to do it to me?"

i always do a comparison, it helps bring it home.

Wholesome · August 2016

I'll add that the longer you keep silent, the harder it will be to reestablish normal common sense boundaries.

moosette113 · August 2016

I'm terrible at broaching things once the moment has passed, but if she ever walks into the bathroom with you again, I would have a conversation with her immediately after along the lines of "I know I haven't said something before, but there are certain situations I am uncomfortable with. I am very uncomfortable when you walk into the bathroom while I am using it- H and I don't even do that with each other, so I would appreciate if you would respect a closed door as my personal space. At the very least, you should knock to ask if it's alright to come in. This also goes for while I am pumping, etc."

Carly79 · August 2016

Thanks for all the suggestions. I really like my IL's and for the most part have a good relationship with them but some days it's just too much trying to navigate that side of the family.

Want a personalized experience?

Boundaries

Re: Boundaries

Choose Another Board

Search Boards