Going Crazy!

jlmama · August 2016

I have never posted here, but I visit every now and then and read posts. I am about to snap after this weekend, so I decided to jump in and post. Hopefully I can get some advice from my fellow step mamas! I have a 17 month old son, and a step son who is 9, he is with my dh 2 weekends a month, vacation weeks, holidays, and other days etc. His relationship with his ex is bumpy. She has called the police (on the night he told his son I was pregnant) and child services (after not getting what she wanted). The bigger problem is the complete lack of parenting my ss receives, and how it's affecting his behavior. He is extremely disrespectful to his father, either saying no to him or just not answering when he is called or asked to do something. He doesn't clean up after himself, I don't trust his judgment around my son unless me or dh are right on top of him. He whines constantly, complains about what I make for dinner (if it's not pasta or sweets he won't eat it). I've tried to talk to dh about some of these issues. His response "I know, he's bad". I tried explaining that his son isn't bad, he is a kid and needs to be taught. If he's not doing the right thing, he needs to be shown what the right thing is. I'm not comfortable correcting him myself, unless it's an issue that affects my son (like last night when he was trying to tie something around his neck like a cape >:-/ ) His mother drills him when he gets home, and she doesn't like me, so I'd rather not involve myself in his behavioral issues. When he is with his mother, he sits in front of a tv or video games, or she dumps him at his grandparents where he sits in front of a tv or video games. My dh can't get him to do anything other than that without whining and stomping his feet, so he ends up doing that here too. I feel bad for the kid. When I'm playing with my son or cooking dinner he comes in and asks a million questions. It's like no one ever talks to him! On the other hand, some days I feel like jumping out a window. Before I had my son, I was a teacher, not that that makes me an expert parent, but I dealt with a lot of these behavioral issues in the classroom and I hate having to standby and do nothing when I have ideas that can help! Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. I'd appreciate any feedback from other mamas in similar circumstances.

crsanchez87 · August 2016

I saw that you hadn't gotten any responses and although i don't have a solution for everything I do have a suggestion, You mentioned that the video games are a huge incentive for him. What about talking to your H about using that as a motivator. Like unplug the video game and maybe have a chart with all the expectations for the day such as cleaning up after himself, reading 10 pages from a book, playing outside for 30minutes, helping with the baby, etc, and giving him a star or sticker for each thing he completes and if he completes say 7-8/10 then he earns 2 hours of video game time or whatever yall think is appropriate. That could eliminate alot of the negative behaviors and create some positive ones.

EverythingsBetterOutside · August 2016

It sounds like what you have is a husband problem, not a stepson problem. Yes, SS's behavior frustrates and saddens you, but you have ideas on how to help him. It seems like your husband is not treating you like part of the parenting team and is blowing off your concerns right now. End goal: you're absolutely right that you shouldn't just step in and start laying down the law. What needs to happen is that you and DH together come up with the house rules, expectations, consequences, them DH talks to SS about it, then you can help DH by enforcing "his"/house rules when he's not around. When DH is around, he gets to be the enforcer. At the beginning, you work on borrowed authority "remember Dad said no TV until you clean up your room." Later on, you may have some of your own authority.

How you get there: to get to the point of being able to have and enforce house expectations, you need to talk to your husband about your role and your needs (this is NOT a conversation about his son or his parenting, it's about you and DH). Use I statements about how you feel, have several ideas on how your husband can help you, and be careful not to criticize him, his parenting, or his son. For example: When I work hard to make a healthy and delicious meal, it hurts when SS insults it and I feel disrespected when you make him pasta instead of expecting him to be polite about the meal. Or, I'm getting really frustrated about SS's behavior and I feel like you don't respect me when (we can't have a conversation about how to deal with his behavior) OR (you don't try my ideas on how to help him). Or, I feel like I'm treated like a maid when SS makes a mess and I have to clean it up. Or, I feel less important than a babysitter when I have no say in the rules SS is expected to follow in our home.

The message you're aiming for with DH is I'm hurting and you can help. This is really about you and your relationship with your husband. Later, once that feels fixed and you feel like you're respected as a co-parent to SS, you've sort of earned the ability to focus on SS and work WITH Dad in SS's upbringing. Talk about your goals for him (we want SS to be kind, respectful, healthy, educated, an independent adult, etc.) and how you can get him there (to help him become a respectful adult, we're going to require that he responds politely when someone speaks to him, we'll praise that behavior and give consequences if he doesn't).

flashley-2 · August 2016

My situation is very similar to yours. I am constantly feeling like a live in maid. I love the kids but a line needs to be drawn. The hardest part is sitting back and looking from the outside in and knowing things could be fixed but being unable to make that change. It's not a healthy situation when it becomes something that bothers you and you feel like you are going crazy. It's hard walking around with bottled up feelings. Eventually they do come out. Try and talk about what is bothering you and what ideas you have. I'm going to work on taking my own advice !!

jlmama · August 2016

Thanks for the advice everyone! It's true, my dh is a big part of the problem! He's afraid that if he enforces rules with his son, his son won't want to come here anymore since he doesn't have to follow rules at his moms. He does listen when I give him ideas, and begins to enforce them, but when he gets resistance from his son, he gives up. The result is that they argue, and ss learns that all he has to do is put up with a bit of yelling, then he gets his way anyway. He's never been disrespectful to me, that's something I would not keep my mouth shut about, and he is actually much better behaved when it's just me, him and my son here. I don't really get why he is so disrespectful to his dad, and I have no idea how to get my dh to follow through with enforcing rules.

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

Very great points @EverythingsBetterOutside!! Obviously spoken from experience. My husband and I don't have everything figured out for sure, but we agreed from before marriage that 1. God first, spouse second, kids third 2. We need to be a united front and come up with parenting decisions together even if it has to come across to kids sometimes as "you know your dad expects you to __"

One thing I have found is my hubby is a softy. We have them about 1/3 the time but he feels guilty he doesn't have them more so likes to spoil them (candy, snacks, fun activities, late bedtimes) and then get frustrated along with me when they get entitled. I'm trying to help him see that kids love quality time and attention and respond best with structure and *occasional* treats. Something he understands in theory but still has a hard time implementing.

Bottom line... Definitely get on the same page with each other first. Also, while some may disagree, as a stepmom we are their parents too so we should not feel bad about disciplining them, again as long as you and hubby are on the same page with expectations. In fact I think it helps them respect us as a parent figure and I honestly think that helps them see and care for us as family.

This is is not easy. Hang in there!

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

Oh one more thing. Never underestimate the power of a bitter ex sneaking poisonous negative comments about the other parent. We have experienced that (not sure if that has something to do with the disrespect?) and our approach was to always speak respectfully about the kids mom, to do our best to demonstrate respect, and to correct disrespect directly "that is disrespectful talk and we don't tolerate that in our house"

ChasonJ · September 2016

Girl friend I am standing with you. This WAS my situation but after one particularly tough week with my stepdaughter I reached my breaking point. I put my pride aside and suggested to my husband that we have a family meeting with her mother. The mother miraculously agreed. In that 1st meeting we talked about the behaviors both homes had to deal with. Then we came up with solutions that will happen in both homes. It's been a year and I can't tell you how wonderful it has been. My SD has boundaries and clear expectations, her outlandish attention seeking behaviors have completely stopped now that she sees all the adults in her life working together.

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