How do you and your SO share baby responsibilities?

rmmorris · August 2016

FTM here and I'm just curious and trying to get a frame of reference for how others share baby responsibilities--especially during the night.

My husband is very hands on when he gets home from work and happily helps whenever I ask, but Im a SAHM now and feel like it's my job to do most of the work. I feel guilty asking him to change her diaper or burp her in the middle of the night when he has to go to work in the morning. I'd love to hear what's normal for other couples.

egirl1025 · August 2016

Since we both work outside the home, we both try to be mindful of the sleep we are getting. My husband is more of a night owl, so generally he will take the first night feeding and I will take it from there. My husband is also in charge of morning drop off at daycare, so I take care of getting all the bottles ready and the baby dressed and settled before I leave in the morning. He takes over while I get ready in the morning as well, so sometimes he will also do the first feeding of the morning, it just depends on when I last pumped/fed the LO. They just generally chill on the bed while I am getting ready. Home cooked meals have taken a complete nose dive, so I haven't figured that out yet. DH also gets out of the house about two nights a week to golf or play tennis. I am hoping to incorporate getting out of the house more myself very soon too, mainly to start working out again and for sanity purposes.

meggyme · August 2016

Right now since I'm breastfeeding and still on Mat leave, I've been getting up at night to do all the feedings and changings. DH will help when he's home or take her while I sleep in if he doesn't have to be at work early. Since he has a job where being sleepy is dangerous (he's a pilot) I imagine when I go back to work I will still do a lot of the night wakings.

HeartLikeMine3 · August 2016

I'm also a SAHM we have a 3 year old DS and this LO. He doesn't do anything in the middle of the night because he works and I breastfeed so he's not much help. On the occasion I feed LO and she's just awake I'll have him rock her so I can go back to sleep. At this point when he's home he's in DS watch and does his bath, bed routine and I do LO. It's just what works for now since she's constantly wanting to nurse. Now if we both worked it would be 50/50 in middle of the night too. With DS when he was our only I also did all MOTN stuff until I went back to work then I asked for more help. Are you able to nap during the day?

adiaz132003 · August 2016

Dh does the MOTN diaper change and when he gets home from work he does a bottle and watches him a lot. He also likes to give the baths and read a story. He's very involved because he really wants to create a bond so he doesn't mind helping me.

lm45678 · August 2016

Still on maternity leave as well and BFing so I do everything in the MOTN. When I go back he will have to help because as a nurse I will need my sleep!

DH does get up early morning to change her diaper and unswaddle her so I can get comfortable and not get out of bed at the 6/7am feed. He generally makes me breakfast and stays home until I shower then heads out to work.

He's very hands on when he's home I will say, I got lucky!

mdargie · August 2016

DH is mostly on older DD duty, I do all the motn stuff because he has to work and he is a really hard sleeper, it's hard to wake him up. Its easier to just handle it myself. DS usually gets up once a night just to eat so he wouldn't be helping much anyway

peaceinnature · August 2016

My H will take care of a lot of baby stuff as soon as he gets home from work as I'm usually cooking dinner when he gets home. He does most or all of bedtime for our four year old and then if the baby hasn't gone to sleep yet, he'll take him while I get ready for bed/have some me time. I do all the night time stuff for both kids. DS1 rarely gets up, but sometimes I have to walk him back to bed cause he hears the baby and comes in. On the weekends DH will give the baby a bottle and watch both kids for a few hours so I can sleep in.

mimi_8607 · August 2016

I'm a SAHM also. I usually get up with DD at night every night but, when he is off he takes over about 8am and I get to sleep in till about 11:30am. He sleeps so deep at night and isn't much help. So it works out better that way both of us gets some sleep. He helps out with feeding and changes when he gets home from work. Also gives DS a bath and I take care of DDs bath cause he doesn't feel comfortable cause she is so small. When we had DS we did it differently. I would get up when he worked and he would get up when he was off. I worked fine but with two this worked better.

RMLandy · August 2016

Now that we are both back at work we alternate nights so that we each get a full night's sleep every other night. She is only waking up once a night so it's not terrible but it's nice to get some uninterrupted sleep every other night!

laurendiaz02 · August 2016

I'm on maternity leave still and my husband took a month off of work, so we currently both get up during MOTN feedings. I'm too light of a sleeper to not wake up and have it just be his turn. Once he goes back to work, I'll probably be going to bed super early (7pm) and he will stay with the baby downstairs until about 11pm. Then he will go to bed and I'll do any of the MOTN feedings on my own.

vintagevix2016 · August 2016

I'm on mat. leave for awhile so a lot of the responsibilities fall to me BUT when my husband is home from work, he is super involved. We make it a team effort as well, we do a lot together. We are starting to introduce the bottle so he will be taking over some of the feedings. Can't wait!

AmberLiz99 · August 2016

It totally depends on you guys, and what's best for you.

In our relationship I handle the nights with baby because he does not do well during the day if he's had bad sleep. He's also hard to wake up. It doesn't bother me as much, and our lo only wakes once a night anyway. If I need help with the older kids though he's on deck for sure

since im home with the kids I obviously do more baby and kid stuff, but when he gets home from work he usually spends an hour with the kids while I catch up on stuff or do some work if I have a big client (if he isn't working late, which is about half the time right now). On the weekends we just both handle whatever needs to be done, as we are usually all together most of the weekend. He tends to do a little more with the older kids right now, but the baby is the easy one so that actually gives me the most break.

Every parent has their strengths and certain things they just don't like as much. Find your own ballence as a couple, and communicate to each other what you need and expect. Work together and don't compare yourself to other couples.

Lizbeth86 · August 2016

I agree with @AmberLiz99 everyone is different and it's probably best to figure out what's less painful for each. We're still both home now so this is probably not helpful for you. Right now we both get up for the motn feedings, he comforts her while I get myself ready to nurse, then he goes back to sleep. He likes doing it since he can't feed her. He also does most of the cooking and shopping right now, but we'll see what happens when we go back to work.

huskypuppy14 · August 2016

I'm still on mat leave for another month. My husband works 2nd shift. He goes in before 3pm and comes home around 12:30am. He is a night owl so I pump before I go to bed anywhere between 11 and 1 am and he feeds the baby when baby wakes up usually around 1 or 2 am. So that works well for our schedule.

I get up in the morning when the baby wakes up to eat it's been usually around 5:30 or 6 am but it's been earlier or later. I breastfeed him and then snuggle him bed and he usually goes back to sleep. My husband has been sleeping on the couch so he can get rest and also because his snoring is pretty bad. Once the baby wakes up again in the late morning (10 am ish) my husband will take him and feed him read him a story etc and I'll pump and sometimes shower.

once I go back to work the night time will probably be the same and I'll have to get up at 5:30 am anyway so I can feed him and or pump. Get ready for work and then my husband will have him in the morning before our nanny ( hopefully) comes.

My husband is very hands in but he sometimes feels our son prefers me. i tell him it's because I have the milk, it's nothing personal.

Tawny87 · August 2016

We just take turns with nights. My husband does Tuesday night (I work Wednesday's) and weekends and I do the rest of the nights. We feel like we do better that way as opposed to alternating feeds every night

BabyL52716 · August 2016

Still on mat leave. DH takes her pretty much when he gets home from work. Feeds her and rocks her to sleepafter I pump. I get up and pump around 3am and DH gets up when she starts crying/stirring around changes.feeds.swaddles. and lays her back down. She had been getting up once a night. Its magical!

jmohio · August 2016

My husband takes over a lot when he gets home from work. It gives me a little break. She also only wakes up around 4 am for a feeding at night so if it is past 4 he will get up and take her for an hour or two so I can solid sleep. Little one has choking issues so any noise she makes wakes me up at night. We tag team baths and I do the night time routine.

xc1148 · August 2016

My husband will do most of the "house" stuff (cooking, cleaning) and I do the baby stuff. He also watches our toddler. At night, I mostly take care of the baby but if it's a rough night I wake my husband up to help so I can sleep.

Dont be scared to ask for help! 1- dads probably want to, sometimes they feel left out if they can't breastfeed 2- the more time they spend with baby the more they learn! It can be tough when dads feel like they don't know how to soothe a baby- practice makes perfect! Also dads get so excited when they figure out a new "trick" 3- raising a baby is hard...ask for help!

TheHauntedHauswife · August 2016

Thanks for posting OP, We are currently still trying to figure it out and fine tune this ourselves. I will permanently be a SAHM and DH works full time.

Right now H doesnt really wake up at all at night because DD is EBF so his wakeups would be somewhat pointless for the most part. But on particularly tough nights I do ask him to wake up and help with things like rocking or other soothing just because i don't want to let myself get frustrated. Also if we need a diaper change but she almost always doesn't need a night change. Waking him up for help happened the past two nights in a row but has only happened a handful of other times so for the most part, he sleeps all night.

I obviously am watching her all day while hes at work and when he gets home its a mixed bag of things. Originally the agreement was no matter what he had to take her and give me a little break, which was working good cause he liked to decompress after work anyway and they could just cuddle up on the couch. Usually i used my break to do things like figure out dinner, switch the laundry, use the bathroom, stretch out on the yoga mat, really just anything. But now that its been super hot, he wants to take shower right after work and hes not very good on limiting himself, so sometimes these showers have lasted almost an hour. Which i understand, but sometimes at that point ive been alone with her for 10-12 hours and that also usually means dinner is getting put off as well, which as a breastfeeding mom isnt too pleasing to me especially since i may have just grabbed something very quick for lunch. So we are definitely still working out the kinks over here!

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