Paternity leave?

strickland8052 · July 2016

How much time is your SO taking off? And has he/she had that conversation with their employer yet?

My story: DH has a ton of unused comp time and sick leave (like 3 or 4 months worth). He keeps saying that he is going to use it all after the baby plus "whatever they offer in terms of paternity leave". He also has no plans to talk to his employer about this idea, notify them about all that time, or clarify what his rights are or how much time he actually gets.

Im frustrated, because 1. I don't want there to be any surprises. I think he needs to figure all this out while we aren't sleep deprived with a screaming newborn AND 2. He is on the verge of being up in line for a massive promotion, and I think he is about to screw it all up by not being transparent and proactive about this. I also fear that if he takes too much time, they may not give him the promotion (although I know that would be SO wrong in their end... It just is the way it is). I've talked to him about these concerns and he doesn't want to bring it up because that could lead to a temp (who could get the promotion instead of him) or it could lead to them saying no. Instead, he thinks that he is just going to call in every week and say "Na... Still not ready to come back." He really wants to stay home a long time with us, which I think is sweet, but I also fear this is really going to be a mess later on. What do you guys think?

blaf322 · July 2016

My friend's H took 2 weeks and worked from home the week after. He's a VP at one of the big banks, so important job, but still took some time. Many places do not offer paternity leave, so there's a chance he'll be using all PTO. I WOULD NOT recommend burning it all. You're going to have lots of visits and sick days to take with your LO as they build a stronger immune system.

Re: your question about notifying his employer- I would absolutely recommend discussing that with his employer. I consider myself really tolerant of a lot of shit as an employer, but if one of my people pulled that (taking 3 months off with no notice), we'd be discussing the fact that they need to either come back to work or they won't have a job waiting for them. Sounds harsh, but business is business and your H needs to be a mature adult and discuss his plan with his employer. Maybe you can remind him that, if he's that worried about a temp taking his promotion, he may not be the right fit for said promotion. If he's the right fit, his employer will recognize that and wait for him. Also, if I had someone who was up for a promotion that tried to pull that kind of stunt, I can assure you that I'd question wanting to promote that person because of it. That is not something I'd want in someone I'm pushing up the ladder.

Also, as an FYI, I don't mean all that to sound harsh. I just strongly believe you are correct in this situation lol

Kc0825 · July 2016

My DH is talking a week or 2. That's what he did the first time. It worked good for us because I exclusivly breastfed and so there was no need for him to take the time so early on. It's important the first month to get baby on a schedule and me breastfeeding our little one Im a big part of that. Once you get them on a schedule and later down the road is where I really would have liked him home. As baby becomes more active around 6 months or so two parents are better than one. But I think what ever you guys decide. The employer should be included especially if he's up for a promotion.

maf9866 · July 2016

My dh is a CPA but works for a small company so they don't offer benefits like paternity leave. He will take a week of vacation time that he has saved. Even that will be nice since we had our first at the end of January so all quarterlies, annuals and the beginnings of tax season were happening. I was induced on a Monday, I was allowed home on Wednesday and he was back at work on Friday starting overtime. It was a little rough being a new mom with it being tax season, luckily our dd was such a good baby!

As a comparison, my brother works for t Rowe price and he gets 4 weeks of paid paternity leave, his wife (a teacher) has no paid maternity leave but will take all pto for it...

I don't know how your husband's company is, but I know my bil gets promotions constantly (and big bonuses) because he takes very little time off of work. Technically he still 'has' the days (or he gets the pay out), but his company seems to respect the fact that he doesn't take a lot of time off.

Eta: just to clarify, obviously by bil is good at his job, the way I wrote it made it seem like the only reason he gets promotions is because of pto. I just know that they have spoken about him getting the jumps in part because he never takes leave.

kmvisioli · July 2016

With DS my husband took 2 weeks, and then worked from home the following week. We did have some medical stuff going on, otherwise he probably would have just done one week totally off and one week working from home. I'll say it was critical to have him there while I was dealing with all the hormone swings and adjustments, but by 3 weeks in I was mostly fine on my own.

This time around it will really depend on how early these twins arrive and what that situation looks like. I know I'll need him longer to help care for DS1 and navigate that transition, and to help me figure out how in the world to breastfeed two babies at the same time.

He definitely did talk to his boss before baby was born, and checked in periodically during his time at home. His office is really small, and thankfully his boss is super understanding of being there for the early weeks (his own kid was born around 27 weeks and spent months in NICU, so he gets it).

samkins · July 2016

Absolutely tell employer his plans. Taking that much time off, esp PTO, requires planning and approval. Playing with fire and potentially really pissing off the boss.

My hubby is self employed so I'll be lucky if he takes a week off... it sucks but my mom is taking 3 weeks off to help out.

mrszoess · July 2016

mines going to take a week or two when she's born and then take fmla for January. he surprised me bc he has a crazy work ethic but he really wants to spend time bonding before she goes to daycare

brzvice · July 2016

Guuurl. This sounds like my H. Men and their reasoning. Ugh. That's all I can add to this one.

blaf322 · July 2016

mrszoess said:

mines going to take a week or two when she's born and then take fmla for January. he surprised me bc he has a crazy work ethic but he really wants to spend time bonding before she goes to daycare

Something to consider with only taking a week... His week would technically start when you go into labor and then you're not home for a couple of days. That's like 3 of 7 eaten up. While he's planning, I'd consider telling his office he's taking 2 weeks vs one.

This advice comes from my bestie and her DH

westcoastfoodie · July 2016

I agree with you that he should be upfront and transparent about taking time off. As an employer, I would be SUPER pissed and put off if an employee just called out on a weekly basis, rather than giving me the opportunity to prepare and cover my business's ass. It would make me feel like the employee is not a team player, and therefore, replaceable/not the right fit for a promotion.

I also don't mean for that to come off as harsh at ALL, just my thoughts.

My husband is working up until I give birth and then will only be taking a week off. He's an independent contractor, so no benefits and time is money.

mrszoess · July 2016

@bnsmith85 noted and just told him LOL. he sells cars so he's more flexible than most jobs thank god

jbal918 · July 2016

My husband is taking two weeks of vacation to start. He can take more but then it's 66% pay and with my salary being more, we are already taking a big hit so after two weeks, we will play it by ear but he more than likely will go back to work.

blaf322 · July 2016

Oh good! It's something we discussed after they made that suggestion to us so I figured I'd share

nlane0723 · July 2016

A week or two, but it's wholly dependent on when they arrive. My mom will be here and he just changed to swings so he'll be here when I need him the most (at night). With DD, he worked nights and it was terrible.

ByeBabyBunting · July 2016

I'm in HR and he really needs to give them notice. My work requires no less than 30 days. Since baby could come early he needs to let them know. Also, FMLA protects his job for 12 weeks. Even if he has more paid time accrued the employer is not obligated to hold his position past 12 weeks (unless their policy is more generous). As much as he thinks his employer will be understanding he needs to protect himself by handling his leave professionally.

Edit: there may be other state regulations but I don't know where you live

strickland8052 · July 2016

Thanks guys! Glad to know I'm right about this.

I just gave him a 30 minute speech and I think it talked some sense into him. Also To clarify - DH is usually an excellent employee (hence the reason he has so much PTO and comp time). I think he just has this misconception that all men take that much time off and that people don't plan these things out. Another case of a man being a man (he also asked why I would need a breast pump today. He thought id just nurse the baby before and after work. Men!!! Lol!)

ibabyloveb87 · July 2016

DH gets 3 weeks of paternity leave to be used anytime within the first year. He also has a ridiculous amount of vacation. He's going to take off about a week at first but will go back to work. He may take a couple of days throughout my maternity leave as well. But my mom will be here to help out too so that's another set of hands to help around the house, especially. I want DH to save some of his time for when we have some sick baby days and I may need to be at work.

He will definitely be talking to work about it but with his position it's pretty flexible with what he wants. But surprising an employer doesn't ever seem to be a good idea!

strickland8052 · July 2016

Oh! I should also add that his boss knows I'm pregnant and that he will take some time off. DH thinks everyone's standard of "time off after baby" is three months. I keep trying to tell him that his boss's idea of time off is probably 1-2 weeks.

blaf322 · July 2016

Ooooh men... I only have 12 wks covered for FMLA and, while they'd likely approve if I wanted to take a little more, they'd definitely side eye anything over 12 wks... And I'm the one having a baby come out of my body lol

ashleyp625 · July 2016

Okay, hopefully this doesn't get confusing as H has 2 jobs....

job #1 is a one on one assistant at a school in the same county where I work. As a married couple, we get a combined total of 12 weeks of job protection from FMLA, but all of it has to be taken from accrued sick time. I can only take 6 weeks (30 sick days) or 8 weeks (40 days) if a c-section, so technically he could use the other 4 or 6 weeks, but I think he's planning to take about 2 weeks, depending on what day of the week O is born. He's going to talk to the principal during the first week of school to set up coverage (they will likely have to shift people around since his student is a special situation and they're not going to want to put random subs in there). I also happen to work at that school part time, so he obviously knows I'm pregnant and Anthony will be taking some time, but they haven't talked details yet.

Job #2 is a part-time evening supervisor (manager) at a retail store. This one is tricky because he doesn't get anything as part of his benefits, since it's part time. We are hoping that his boss will let him take a week unpaid, but it will probabky depend on if the other managers can cover last minute, since their schedule is done 2 weeks ahead of time. I've been on him to bring this up to the store manager, but he hasn't yet. Management just changed, so we aren't sure what the new guy will do. The former lady would have let him do whatever he wanted. The assistant manager has told him that he will come in and cover him whenever I go in labor, no questions asked, so that's nice.

Bottom line- 2 weeks during the day, hopefully 1 week of nights. If he can't get anything from Job #2, I'm sure my mom or sister will come stay with me if I need it at night. They're both teachers too, so they'll be done by 3 or 4.

klv · July 2016

DH gets 6 weeks off and an additional 2 weeks that he can take any time in the first year. His boss is well aware of his plans

my state does not allow me to use my sick time to lengthen my leave. Your H needs to discuss his options with his boss and HR ASAP

ignoscemihi · July 2016

This thread makes me sad about the state of paternity leave in this country (and a little insecure about my own parenting abilities). Parenting is hard, especially in the first few months when baby is waking up every three or four hours to eat. And for the first few months of his life, my son would not sleep unless he was being held. I honestly don't know what I would have done if my husband hadn't been able to take six weeks so he could at least take a four-hour shift every night and watch baby during the day so I could leave the house every once in awhile. Maybe if we had family in the area, it would have been easier, but man, ugh. My mother-in-law will be in town this time to watch our toddler, but my husband is still taking 5-6 weeks off immediately, then another 2 weeks in February (because we're going to Hawaii with his family for a week and he just wants another week off to recover from "vacation"). It will use up all his vacation and sick time, but at least he'll be paid his regular salary and his expected billable hours will be prorated.

NoraAurora · July 2016

ByeBabyBunting said:

I'm in HR and he really needs to give them notice. My work requires no less than 30 days. Since baby could come early he needs to let them know. Also, FMLA protects his job for 12 weeks. Even if he has more paid time accrued the employer is not obligated to hold his position past 12 weeks (unless their policy is more generous). As much as he thinks his employer will be understanding he needs to protect himself by handling his leave professionally.

Edit: there may be other state regulations but I don't know where you live

+1 to this. I know you said you talked to him again, but he can really be at risk to lose his job if he ISN'T forthcoming with his employer.

As for me, I think H is taking 3-4 weeks off...cuz we are spoiled.

nsquaredlife13 · July 2016

When DS was born, H took 2 weeks off as it was right before christmas. The company shut down for Holiday Break and he got an extra week of paid time off. His official Paternity Leave started 3 weeks after baby was born, the first of the year. He took 4 weeks off, and then went back to work. 2 weeks before my maternity leave ended, he took another 4 weeks off to help with the transition. Total time off was 10 weeks + 1 week company vacation. It was all paid.

sportiegrl1213 · July 2016

My DH is taking a week off paid from saved vacation time. He can take FMLA but we can't afford for him not to get paid. My mom will be up from FL with me for almost all of my maternity leave so I'm not too worried about it.

LauraPCOS · July 2016

In Canada you only get 52 weeks of leave combined. I know that is a lot considering some of you ladies only get 6-12 weeks, but because I work at a school, if my hubby were to take paternity leave, I would have to go back in February in order to be compensated during the summer layoff, and I don't want to do that. Instead hubby is going to take his 2 weeks vacation, and my mom is saving her 2 weeks in case I feel I still need help.

sportiegrl1213 · July 2016

I'm lucky that Disney just changed their maternity policy, I get 12 weeks short term leave paid in full, plus we get 12 additional weeks, called Baby Bonding, that can be used within one year of the babies birth. Only catch is that 3 weeks are paid and the other 9 weeks are unpaid. I will only use those if really needed. But it's nice to know that they are there.

mizzkbrat · July 2016

FI is taking off a week, two if I have a c section. But he only gets paid his base pay and not commission when not at work. With me not earning a paycheck for a few months, he needs to get back to work and earn some money

emmaaa · July 2016

DH gets 3 weeks PTO per year with his job to use how he wants. He is going to take 1-2 weeks depending on everything and save the other 1-2 weeks for time off if the baby is sick or for an actual vacation.

UFJen · July 2016

DH is taking a week or two, depending on when I deliver and get to go home. My parents and his plan on being here so with so many people. I'm thinking it might be more beneficial for him to take off a week once everyone is gone, so the two of us get some time with the baby.

bosslady925 · July 2016

DH is probably only taking a week off. He'll likely file FMLA to have during the year in case he needs to take more time. He only picks up annual vacation on his hire date (April) and he only gets ~14 days. Likely the week he takes off will be unpaid. He's also up for a huge promotion to a head supervisor role so we'll see how that all pans out. FX he gets it. I'd rather he be happy at work and not able to take more than a few days. Luckily, our family is all local so I'll have plenty of help.

Other question, have any of you already discussed with HR about filing STD or FMLA? Obviously my boss knows I'm pregnant and my plans, but I know I need to file some paperwork with HR. I haven't done that yet. I think our rules are no more than 30 days before the event.

allison_smith_6212 · July 2016

My husband is a RN and has said he plans to use his PTO for 2 weeks' work as paternity leave, with our first he had 1 week. He filled out and submitted the FMLA paperwork and had it denied because he applied too early, even though he filed 28 weeks along. They told him he had to re-apply closer to our due date.

We were surprised by their response because with my work (public university) I had to notify HR and have all of my FMLA paperwork approved prior to being 26 Weeks along.

mothernorth · July 2016

I need to talk to FI about this ASAP... I don't even know that he gets anything like that since he won't hit his one year mark until mid September... hopefully baby doesn't come early!

ashleyp625 · July 2016

@MorganL925 I would just ask- everywhere is different. Our official deadline is 30 days ahead, but my principal asked me to do it at the end of the school year in June so that they could put in for my sub as soon as the new year started on July 1 (I'm a teacher).

annabenanna · July 2016

DH is gonna use Paid Family Leave, where he can take up to 6 weeks in a year (doesn't have to be consecutive). He's only gonna get paid 55% of what he makes, but we'll make do.

When I give birth, he'll take about 2-3 days off, then work from home for 2 weeks (his boss already approved! ). But he won't take PFL till December, when we leave to go visit my family in the Philippines for 3 weeks.

Blonde1817 · July 2016

DH's company doesn't have a PTO policy, it's just kind of honor system and making sure you can get your work done. Last year his coworker took about two weeks off when his wife had a baby, so DH is planning on taking about two weeks off as well. He's a CPA so he can work from home pretty easily and will have flexible hours until he starts to get busy mid-January, so hopefully he'll be able to spend more time at home if needed.

Pupatella · July 2016

DH has a ton of leave saved up as well, but is not planning on using a lot during my maternity leave. I will be off for 3 months. DH is going to take off work 2 weeks initially, then 1 week in December when his family visits, then 1 week in January to help out before I go back to work. His boss is very well aware of his plans. We both figure that there will be times when our child will be sick, etc. and one of us will need to stay home with him. We would much rather save our leave for those emergencies.

I agree with all PP's. Your H definitely needs to discuss his plans of paternity leave with his boss. Just calling in at the beginning of every week saying he's not coming in would be completely unacceptable and irresponsible. Remind him that he now has a family to think of and help support. It is not the time to put in jeapordy the good job he has.

emt87 · July 2016

DH gets 3 weeks of PTO per year, and is planning to use 1-2 weeks when baby comes, and then save the rest of his time to use around Christmas/New Years. Luckily his group at work also has flexible work hours and the ability to work from home sometimes, so he is also planning to only go into the office for part of the day, and work from home the rest of the day as needed when he is back at work. He has already discussed all of this with his boss just to make sure that what we were planning would be ok. He may also take some time off in January when I go back to work if needed, since he will once again have all of this PTO then, but we won't make that decision until the time comes. I would definitely make sure your husband talks to his boss sooner rather than later just to make sure they are ok with his plans. No point in risking a good job for such a silly reason.

@MorganL925 I talked to my HR department a few months ago about our STD/FMLA procedures (I am such a planner and wanted to make sure I knew all of our policies early on), and our policy is to fill out the paperwork for a leave of absence 30 days in advance if possible. Even though your boss knows your plans, I would just talk to HR to be sure you know exactly what you need to do so there are no surprises when the time comes.

aesthyerin · July 2016

Hubby has a week left of vacation. I feel like so much if it was wasted at the hospital when I needed him more after we were home. But not sure how he'd feel about going back afterwards then taking more time

MrsHudson2014 · July 2016

I don't know what my husband wants to do when the baby arrives- my guess is he will take a week or so then. He does get 6 weeks paternity (I think unpaid, as 55% pay here is only for the disability portion and not the FMLA), but he is going to use that when I return to work in January. More time that we don't have to worry about childcare.

kelliott09 · July 2016

Mine gets 2 weeks. I don't know the specifics of it but with our last baby he put in for vacation around my due date and asked about moving it around depending on when he was actually born. His HR let him know that he didn't have to use his vacation time and that he could take up to 2 weeks and use his sick time. He literally never calls in sick so he has hours upon hours so that rocked our socks off because he gets 3 weeks of vacation a year that he got to keep! I'm sure it will be be same this time. Again, I don't know if that's something specific to his company or what.

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