5th miscarriage and choosing to be done (TW)

iceandsnowflakes29 · July 2016

Hello all.

I'm so sorry for everyone here. Let me first say my heart goes out to everyone suffering a loss right now.

TW - kids mentioned

I'm very fortunate to have two living children. Both conceived after much difficulty and losses in between. Even when I was pregnant with them my pregnancies were very difficult and very high risk. I had pre term labor, contractions, magnesium with both, heart problems, a NICU stay with one baby, jaundice with one, low birth weight with both. You name it.

In between that, I've suffered 4 losses total, one of which took one of my tubes due to ectopic.

And now, my current pregnancy is either a) in my uterus and not viable or b) ectopic.

I have an ultrasound Monday to find out the location of the pregnancy.

But let me back up, when my dr first thought it could be ectopic, he told me to come in for a methotrexate shot. Problem was, I'm still nursing my youngest and I was told I would have to wean permenately in order to do methotrexate. I completely lost it. My 1 year old still loves to nurse and is not ready to wean. I cannot even imagine the heartache of an abrupt weaning.

I was given the night to think it over and after a long soul searching session my husband and I decided that if it is ectopic to let the dr take my last tube and be done with having kids.

I don't think the dr was expecting that decision, so he continued to monitor my betas until they are high enough for an ultrasound to be accurate (Monday).

I'm really struggling with my decision even though I know in my heart it is the right one. I would hate to distress the child I have here on earth over the off chance that I could carry to term in the furture. The odds don't look good. 7 pregnancies, 2 living children, and 5 losses. 3 of which were back to back.

On top of all that, I'm still in limbo. I've been bleeding lightly, and this morning I had passed some small clots. I was hoping that was the start of a routine miscarriage so I could avoid surgery but, it has since tapered off.

I know I'm very fortunate to have to kids. But, my husband and I never dreamed we would not have a third. I feel like later, I will find peace with being done, but right now all I do is cry.

Part of me is afraid I will regret this in the future. That I'm being silly, and I should just wean. But, after the losses and struggle I also feel even more drive to put the kids I do have first.

My sincere apologies. This is long and I don't really have a question. I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm just...scared.

EverythingsBetterOutside · July 2016

I'm so sorry for all of your heartache and losses. It sounds like you've thought long, hard, and carefully and determined the best decision for you and your family. It's sad, and another possible loss to add to the loss of this pregnancy, but it does make sense. And while I think it's sensible to consider the worst case scenarios (lose a tube and all possibility of future children vs. premature weaning), remember that it's not hopeless. IF it's in your remaining tube, which it may not be, AND you lose the tube (which you may not since they try to save it if your other tube isn't OK), there are still possibilities to add a third child to your family. You may not be up for considering it right now, but in the back of your mind remember that tubes are not necessary for IVF, a gestational carrier is a possibility for another biological child, and fostering or adopting a child is another option to add to your family. After Monday, you may learn that your tube is safe, but even if it's not, you still have the choice to decide your family is complete as is or make a different decision in how to add to your family. In any case, this is something to grieve, so take your time writing through that, but also know there is hope

BrightenMySky · July 2016

Oh @iceandsnowflakes29 I am sorry for your losses and what you are going through. Hugs.

mamma1614 · July 2016

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, I know what you are feeling. If it's worth anything at all, I would try to wean the little guy and try my best to save the tube. Only because even after surgery, it's going to be tough and you'll need to take some time to recover so he may take a break and wind up weaning off anyway, and he will be ok. As much as you've been through, and I admire your perseverance and determination, It sounds like a really large and stressful decision that's obviously weighing lots on your mind and heart, so no need to add the stress- it's ok to think about yourself and the family will be happy when you are happy. Take care of your self, feel better, God bless and will put in a prayer today for this to all be over for you soon! Big hugs!

amberruka · July 2016

I'm so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29, my thoughts are with you. Hopefully with time you'll get some answers to your current situation, but if something feels in your gut, it's probably best. Keep us posted girl, we're thinking of you.

Hopefulmommy1980 · July 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I am sorry for your losses. You have been through a lot. Hug

mjolk · July 2016

Thinking of you at your appointment today.

Cmckenzie · July 2016

I am so very sorry for your losses! I understand your decision and admire the strength it must take to make it! In the end you have to do what is right for you and your family. As mentioned, this doesn't mean your journey to children has to be over, if you decided you want to use an alternative method. I hope your appointment goes okay today.

fiorip · July 2016

What you are doing is admirable, it's a really tough decision to make and I couldn't imagine being in your position. I really hope you can find peace, and as others have said, there are other ways to still have another child. I will keep you in my prayers, big hug!

AL_TwinCities · July 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I am so sad to see this. I've been rooting for you for so long - this is so unfair. Sending you lots of love

bai-by2019 · July 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I can't imagine the pain you have been through. I wish I had words of comfort. Just know you aren't alone. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way!

iceandsnowflakes29 · July 2016

Thank you everyone for the support.

I wanted to update:

I had my tube removed Wednesday. The dr said it had already began to rupture and bleed. I was told that the RE poked his head in the OR while I was under and told my dr to send me to him if I want IVF.

We're taking a break and I'm still adamant to let my son self wean but, maybe in the future we will explore IVF.

I do not regret my decision, I had to pump and dump my milk for 24 hrs post surgery and it was the most heartbreaking 24 hrs ever. My son was inconsolable and refused all other food and drink.

However, I'm recovering well and he is happily nursing again.

I wanted to thank you all and I want to wish everyone here a happily ever after and a rainbow baby

Hopefulmommy1980 · July 2016

Hug. I hope you continue to recover quickly

MissPrint1219 · July 2016

~~~~Lurking~~~~~~~

I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29. Know that so many of us are rooting for you from across the boards and the prayers for peace and healing will keep coming. I understand what you're feeling and have preemptively come to a similar decision depending on what the universe has in store for me next. Sometimes you have to let go of what could be to cherish what is.

Please take care of yourself!

momma mb · July 2016

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Each loss is incredibly hard, I can't imagine going through 5. You're a strong woman!
All the best for the future.

Spartanrd4 · August 2016

**Lurking**

I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29 that you have to go through this- it is just not fair. I am glad you do not regret your decision, you had to do what you think is right for your child and you are such a strong person! Please take care and whatever the future holds for you I will be rooting for you either way!

chloe97 · August 2016

I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29. Thinking of you and your family. You are so strong and I'm happy that you feel good about your choice. It has got to be one of the hardest choices you ever had to make.

rainbowturtles · August 2016

I've been looking in different places for an update from you and it breaks my heart to read this and find you here

I'm glad you're recovering well but I'm incredibly sorry about everything

catiecatp · August 2016

lurking and TW in my signature

@iceandsnowflakes29 - I'm so sad for you but awed by your strength and decision to nurse your youngest. Beyond this, words are failing me. Hugs and love my friend.

shae86 · August 2016

*Lurking*

@iceandsnowflakes29 I am so incredibly sorry to see this news. Please know that you are not alone. You have support from so many of us. I'm glad you feel at peace with your decision, though I know it doesn't make it any easier. However your journey continues from here, I'm rooting for you and sending healing thoughts your way.

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