Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

5th miscarriage and choosing to be done (TW)

Hello all. 

I'm so sorry for everyone here. Let me first say my heart goes out to everyone suffering a loss right now. 

TW - kids mentioned 

I'm very fortunate to have two living children. Both conceived after much difficulty and losses in between. Even when I was pregnant with them my pregnancies were very difficult and very high risk. I had pre term labor, contractions, magnesium with both, heart problems, a NICU stay with one baby, jaundice with one, low birth weight with both. You name it. 

In between that, I've suffered 4 losses total, one of which took one of my tubes due to ectopic. 

And now, my current pregnancy is either a) in my uterus and not viable or b) ectopic. 

I have an ultrasound Monday to find out the location of the pregnancy. 

But let me back up, when my dr first thought it could be ectopic, he told me to come in for a methotrexate shot. Problem was, I'm still nursing my youngest and I was told I would have to wean permenately in order to do methotrexate. I completely lost it. My 1 year old still loves to nurse and is not ready to wean. I cannot even imagine the heartache of an abrupt weaning. 

I was given the night to think it over and after a long soul searching session my husband and I decided that if it is ectopic to let the dr take my last tube and be done with having kids. 

I don't think the dr was expecting that decision, so he continued to monitor my betas until they are high enough for an ultrasound to be accurate  (Monday). 

I'm really struggling with my decision even though I know in my heart it is the right one. I would hate to distress the child I have here on earth over the off chance that I could carry to term in the furture. The odds don't look good. 7 pregnancies, 2 living children, and 5 losses. 3 of which were back to back.

On top of all that, I'm still in limbo. I've been bleeding lightly, and this morning I had passed some small clots. I was hoping that was the start of a routine miscarriage so I could avoid surgery but, it has since tapered off. 

I know I'm very fortunate to have to kids. But, my husband and I never dreamed we would not have a third. I feel like later, I will find peace with being done, but right now all I do is cry. 

Part of me is afraid I will regret this in the future. That I'm being silly, and I should just wean. But, after the losses and struggle I also feel even more drive to put the kids I do have first. 

My sincere apologies. This is long and I don't really have a question. I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm just...scared. 

Re: 5th miscarriage and choosing to be done (TW)

  • I'm so sorry for all of your heartache and losses. It sounds like you've thought long, hard, and carefully and determined the best decision for you and your family. It's sad, and another possible loss to add to the loss of this pregnancy, but it does make sense. And while I think it's sensible to consider the worst case scenarios (lose a tube and all possibility of future children vs. premature weaning), remember that it's not hopeless. IF it's in your remaining tube, which it may not be, AND you lose the tube (which you may not since they try to save it if your other tube isn't OK), there are still possibilities to add a third child to your family. You may not be up for considering it right now, but in the back of your mind remember that tubes are not necessary for IVF, a gestational carrier is a possibility for another biological child, and fostering or adopting a child is another option to add to your family. After Monday, you may learn that your tube is safe, but even if it's not, you still have the choice to decide your family is complete as is or make a different decision in how to add to your family. In any case, this is something to grieve, so take your time writing through that, but also know there is hope
  • Oh @iceandsnowflakes29 I am sorry for your losses and what you are going through. Hugs. 
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
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  • I'm very sorry this has happened to you, I know what you are feeling. If it's worth anything at all, I would try to wean the little guy and try my best to save the tube. Only because even after surgery, it's going to be tough and you'll need to take some time to recover so he may take a break and wind up weaning off anyway, and he will be ok. As much as you've been through, and I admire your perseverance and determination, It sounds like a really large and stressful decision that's obviously weighing lots on your mind and heart, so no need to add the stress- it's ok to think about yourself and the family will be happy when you are happy. Take care of your self, feel better, God bless and will put in a prayer today for this to all be over for you soon! Big hugs!
  • I'm so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29, my thoughts are with you. Hopefully with time you'll get some answers to your current situation, but if something feels in your gut, it's probably best. Keep us posted girl, we're thinking of you.
    Me: 39 DH: 39
    CP 1/25/16 4.5 weeks, developed Graves' disease
  • @iceandsnowflakes29 I am sorry for your losses. You have been through a lot. Hug
  • mjolkmjolk member
    Thinking of you at your appointment today.
    TW: Loss
    EDD: 1/14/2017 : Blighted Ovum : D&C @ 10w6d

  • I am so very sorry for your losses! I understand your decision and admire the strength it must take to make it! In the end you have to do what is right for you and your family. As mentioned, this doesn't mean your journey to children has to be over, if you decided you want to use an alternative method. I hope your appointment goes okay today.
  • fioripfiorip member
    What you are doing is admirable, it's a really tough decision to make and I couldn't imagine being in your position. I really hope you can find peace, and as others have said, there are other ways to still have another child. I will keep you in my prayers, big hug!
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

  • @iceandsnowflakes29 I am so sad to see this. I've been rooting for you for so long - this is so unfair. Sending you lots of love  <3
    me 30; DH 35
    TTC since May 2014.
    Aug 2014 BFP, EDD April 22, 2015. Low progesterone, started suppositories. Loss at 5w6d.
    Nov 19, 2015 BFP at 13 dpo, EDD July 29, 2016. MMC discovered 12/29 (9+4). Natural miscarriage 1/16 (12+1).
    AMH results 0.42, 1.2; FSH 12.1, AFC 10, dx DOR. 
    RPL testing results normal. Nurse recommended progesterone suppositories in TWW.
    Clomid + trigger + TI cycle August 2016 - failed. Thin lining.
    Femara + trigger + TI cycle December 2016 - failed. Thin lining.
    Short LP (8 days).
    Acupuncture & Chinese herbs starting January 2017, lengthened LP to 10 days 

    Summer 2016 LFAF awards: 

    Winter 2016/2017 LFAF awards:

  • @iceandsnowflakes29 I can't imagine the pain you have been through. I wish I had words of comfort. Just know you aren't alone. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way!
  • Hug. I hope you continue to recover quickly
  • ~~~~Lurking~~~~~~~

    I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29. Know that so many of us are rooting for you from across the boards and the prayers for peace and healing will keep coming.  I understand what you're feeling and have preemptively come to a similar decision depending on what the universe has in store for me next. Sometimes you have to let go of what could be to cherish what is.

    Please take care of yourself!
    “Be present in all things and thankful for all things.”  ~Maya Angelou

    ~~~~ TW ~~~~~~

    Me: 40    DH: 39
    Married 12.19.13
    BFP #1 1/14, MC 2/14 (6wks)
    BFP #2 1/15, MMC/D&C 3/15 (12wks)
    BFP #3 6/15, MC 8/15 (9wks)
    BFP #4 4/16, MC 4/16 (5wks)
    BFP #5 7/16, MMC 8/16 (10 wks)
    BFP #6 3/4 , EDD 11/9/17
  • I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Each loss is incredibly hard, I can't imagine going through 5.  You're a strong woman! 
    All the best for the future.
    <a href="http://www.lightshinesbright.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">My faith-filled pregnancy loss blog</a><br>
  • **Lurking**

    I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29 that you have to go through this- it is just not fair. I am glad you do not regret your decision, you had to do what you think is right for your child and you are such a strong person! Please take care and whatever the future holds for you I will be rooting for you either way! <3
  • I am so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29. Thinking of you and your family. You are so strong and I'm happy that you feel good about your choice. It has got to be one of the hardest choices you ever had to make.
  • I've been looking in different places for an update from you and it breaks my heart to read this and find you here  :'( I'm glad you're recovering well but I'm incredibly sorry about everything <3<3
  • lurking and TW in my signature

    @iceandsnowflakes29 - I'm so sad for you but awed by your strength and decision to nurse your youngest. Beyond this, words are failing me. Hugs and love my friend.
    ---TW BFP and MC mentioned - scroll down past the Lilo and Stitch gif to avoid ---

    Me: 33 & DH: 33
    Married: 07/2006
    TTC: 10/2015
    BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
    BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017

    Pregnancy Ticker

  • *Lurking*

    @iceandsnowflakes29 I am so incredibly sorry to see this news. Please know that you are not alone. You have support from so many of us. I'm glad you feel at peace with your decision, though I know it doesn't make it any easier. However your journey continues from here, I'm rooting for you and sending healing thoughts your way. 
    About me *TW*
    Me: 29, DH: 34
    TTC 12/2015
    BFP #1: 1/05/16, MMC 2/17/16 (10 wks)
    BFP #2: 7/13/16, EDD 3/21/16
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