deleted by OP

AOliveira11 · July 2016

Deleted by OP

lm45678 · July 2016

I really think the two of you need to try counseling based on this rant and previous posts. Obviously your husband is having a hard time adjusting and needs some perspective.

I would also bring up all these issues in front of the pediatrician so he understands your daughter's development and needs better.

I would speak to your OB about the possibility of PPD/PPA as well, that may be making things worse. However, if that's not the case and your husband is really being this neglectful to your daughter and mean to you I think you need I reevaluate your current situation.

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

I would really push for concealing. It takes him wanting to change to make things better, and if he won't agree to that I might see if you can find a place to stay for a while to get some space. It sounds like a pretty toxic environment for a kid, and not great for you either, maybe you taking a few days away will help you both know what to do to resolve things.

im really sorry the last improvements didn't stick. I'm sorry you're going through this

ahernandez16 · July 2016

Hands down, no questions asked... If my husband were acting like that I would take my baby and leave. I would not feel comfortable leaving my child with my husband if he were behaving that way. I would genuinely fear for my son's safety. Behavior like that would be absolute grounds for divorce for me.

Counseling may be an option for you two and if that's the case, wonderful - but you can get counseling and not live together. I know it's easier said than done to pick up and leave, but I genuinely fear for your daughter's safety based on this and previous posts if you don't. There are likely dozens of resources in your community to help you. Please also seek help for yourself. You shouldn't have to feel this way.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

goldie987 · July 2016

His behavior is completely unacceptable, both towards you and daughter. You seem to acknowledge this yet you are still staying there with him and allowing him to continue the behavior. If I were you, I would take my daughter and stay with family or friends until he realizes how neglectful he is being towards both of you. You and your baby are worth more than this and deserve better.

WaitingMay14 · July 2016

Counseling or leave his ass I'm sorry calling your daughter names or letting her cry it out because his immature ass needs to play a game need a major reality check. He conceived that little girl and had 9 months to evaluate what needs to happen when she's here. It sounds like a volitile situation and your daughter does not need to be in it in a few months. I can't honestly say how productive counseling is going to be because he frankly sounds extremely immature and inattentive.

Get. Out. Now! Set boundaries and get some help from your family.

samsonator · July 2016

I third leaving him. There is no reason to let a 4 week old CIO. He is being a neglectful parent and I wouldn't feel comfortable having my child around him if I was in your position. Honestly this is a scary and sad situation with how you paint it. I'm glad your baby has you. Now get her away from him!!

AOliveira11 · July 2016

Deleted by OP

purplefan1 · July 2016

Therapy, stat. Couples for the two of you and individual for you. Immediately. As in, call tomorrow to set it up, don't wait any longer. If he won't go, it tells you how invested (or not) he is in the relationship and family.

Parenting on your own would be easier than dealing with this. I also worry about potential for abuse including shaking her out of frustration. Get help before anything bad can happen.

Edited for errors

HeartLikeMine3 · July 2016

I would push for therapy if there was a reasonable person involved he sounds like a complete waste of time. I'm sorry but someone who says those things doesn't deserve to parent he sounds like a piece of shit. I would rather parent alone it sounds like you already are. I'm sorry if this comes off rude but I would get my baby and run.

DSTtots4lyfe · July 2016

Everything above has been said to you before and you've received all the support you need from this board while the safety and care from both of you appears to continue to degrade for her. He absolutely should not be alone with her, ever, and you need education on CIO and infant care, esp. Physical v emotional/developmental needs.

purplefan1 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

The issues with the baby just seem to keep piling up with him. First it was the name calling of our daughter which had stopped for a while and now its back. I'm so sick and tired of his attitude when it comes time for our child. He plays that game on his cell phone "mobile strike" and it consumes all of his time. He is on the damn phone morning, noon and night. Our baby wakes up and I can hear she's hungry based on the cry so I'll ask him to change her diaper while I fix her bottle or get ready to breast feed. He tells me he'll do it eventually so I end up just doing it myself. If I ask him to feed her, that is a production in of itself. If she doesnt burp after two pats on the back he gives up and says she obviously doesn't have to. She's one month old and still does that thing where she puts her hands near her mouth when we're trying to feed her or sometimes she'll just lick the nipple and push the bottle away. He gets aggravated and says "okay you had your chance" and puts her back in her crib and picks up the phone again...and then in 2 minutes I have to go in and feed her. Today he called her a "little fucker" because she wanted to be held and have some stimulation. I had been up with her since 5 am and was trying to straighten my hair and get ready for a baptism we were supposed to go to today at 4pm. I told him to pick her up and talk/sing/read to her so i could finish my hair...he literally let out a sign of exasperation, put the phone down (screen still on with an active game) and said "come here ya little fucker..." and let her cry in his arms while he picked back up his phone. When i asked him to sing/talk/read to her..he said he wasn't doing it and that was "mom stuff". I could tell the cry was turning into hunger so I asked him to feed her to which I got "she can cry for a little while...she'll still be hungry in 5 minutes". I am so tempted to pick up his plate the next time he's hungry and throw it away and say something like "you had your chance...you waited" or serve myself and say "you'll still be hungry in a half hour...you can wait". I ended up feeding her, changing her and rocking her until she fell asleep. I put her in her crib and told my husband i was very annoyed by the fact that our daughter has to compete for his attention/affection with his cell phone and he told me he'll be more happy when she's more active and can do more things. I told him we're at least a year away from the things he wants to do with her and I can't be left to do all the things she needs and still manage to function correctly, especially when i go back to work...i also keep bring up the fact that she is going to be called names her entire life and as her parents, swearing at her, telling her to shut up and using terms like bitch and fucker towards or about our daughter, whether she can understand or not, is unacceptable and pisses me off. Sometimes she needs to be held...she was plucked from a cozy little water sack a month ago and needs to feel like she can rely on us. He thinks i'm being crazy and laughed at me when i expressed this. I told him to go to the baptism alone because if i spend anymore time with him today i'm literally going to take my baby and my dog and go stay with a friend.

I'm not wrong here...i'm all for letting a baby CIO within reason but when you know she's hungry or has a dirty diaper, or maybe feels like she needs to be held and have some stimulation like being talked or read to, that comes first..not some stupid game on the cell phone. You plan to have a baby, and go over what how you're going to handle the difficult stuff like lying, or hitting/biting others, or not doing their school work...but this is just insane..he basically told us that we are parenting two different ways and i told him his ways are WRONG! You need to feed your child when she's hungry and change her when she's dirty. I don't know what to do to get through to him, but I bailed on the baptism and am sitting here crying trying to figure out what to do. I love my daughter and will do everything i have to in order to protect her. She had bad gas the other night when we were dropping her off at my mom's for the night and i sat there rocking her, rubbing her belly and trying to make her feel better...he kept looking at the time waiting for us to go because there's nothing we can do for bad gas...and i asked him "so i'm just supposed to let her suffer?? doesn't that make you feel bad?" and he told me "i would feel bad if there was something i COULD do that i didn't...but it's gas...there's nothing we can do.." and while there is nothing you can do to help them push the gas out other than gas drops...i know I was doing all I could to make her feel comfortable...build a trust with my child and bond with her. I never saw divorce in my future and for the last 7 years we've been together the worst thing we fight over is where go for dinner. I'm at a loss here and i dont know how to handle this anymore...i'm exhausted, boobs hurt, back sore, still have a million things to do...and i should be able to get some help/relief from my husband. I know it's different for me bc i carried her for 9+ months and i didn't expect this instant connection between the two of them when she was born...but you'd think based on his attitude that she might as well be a house plant he only has to water/feed once a week.

AOliveira11 said:

It's never been this bad...it wasn't until we had a baby that his attitude turned to complete crap. Throughout the pregnancy he was so supportive and helpful..i mean sure he had his moments, but he rubbed my back through the morning sickness and ran out at 2 am for ridiculous cravings...it's like DD was born and his life was just consumed by technology. i'm going to try to calmly talk to him tonight when he gets back from the baptism, but i have a duffle bag packed for me, a bag for the baby and a bag for the dog ready to go...I know Rome wasn't built in a day and it may take a little while for some changes to be made...but if he's willing to work on it i'm willing to let him within reason. I love my daughter and I am going to protect her no matter what it takes. If he isn't willing to budge on the stupidity that is his "parenting" and get rid of that stupid game...i never wanted to be the kind of wife that said it's either this or me...but it's either the game or it's his family...i'm done competing for his attention and his daughter certainly shoudln't have to. I know it's not that he's feeling neglected b/c we've gotten intimate since she's been born, had date nights, "us time" etc...idk what is going on with him, but he may need counseling on his own..not just marriage with me.

This along with the other posts are super concerning on both your parts. Both of you sound overwhelmed with caring for a newborn and he is coming across as a complete asshole with no redeeming qualities (based on your self report). Contact a therapist tomorrow and get started. Since you have a new baby you could even call your local health department and get scheduled for an emergency session. Do this tomorrow and go somewhere safe for tonight where you have support. You said you left her with your mom over night, you could go there for an evening.

adiaz132003 · July 2016

I'm not gonna lie, at first I thought he was just having a general hard time adjusting based on other posts but this made me think "I hope she doesn't leave her alone with that man.". I would have been out of that house by now. I say get out and find a counselor. And get out before you get counseling because A: you don't know how he will react to you wanting him to see someone, B: he might not even agree to go unless he sees you're serious about leaving and C: some people get worse before getting better during therapy. I wouldn't move back in till he improves. And I'm sorry if this is gonna sound harsh but this is how it starts when you here about babies being shaken. I am scared for you and your baby and I think this should be taken very seriously.

DeePaddy24 · July 2016

Get out. Get help. Put your daughter first. None of this is okay!

vintagevix2016 · July 2016

Do what you need to do to protect your daughter and yourself. I agree that counselling and looking for a safe place for you both to stay for the time being are a good start.

Bear14+ · July 2016

What everyone said...and also just to add...you say he'll be a better Dad in a year? Toddlers are no joke. They test boundaries & limits almost constantly. The person you are describing here will most likely not handle this stage very well. I hope counseling works, but honestly, this isn't someone I'd ever trust with my child. I'm sorry this is happening.

totsabounding · July 2016

I sincerely hope you are able to take action to keep your daughter safe from what sounds like an unsafe and rapidly deteriorating situation.

edeibel89 · July 2016

I never comment on this shit bc it just infuriates me but here it is: THIS.IS.ABUSE. he is abusing your daughter, he is abusing you, and by allowing it to happen, you are abusing her too. Get out of this toxic environment now before you end up a headline on the news.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

Deleted by OP

ahernandez16 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

He has agreed to counselling both marriage and individual. I do not believe he would intentionally hurt our baby...its that the technology always seems to come first. It was basically a two hour conversation of me yelling at him and telling him to educate himself on how newborns are learning and what they need. I told him to read a damn book and either the game goes or we go...

he did not like the ultimatum but i will not let him neglect our child because hes not interested in this age right now. I also let him kno if i dont see a change sooner rather than later we are gone and he will find divorce and custody papers on his desk PDQ. He saw i had bags packed and was ready to go...he knows im not joking and is now rocking our daughter to sleep and telling her about what hes doing tomorrow...i can view them on the monitor which is nice. There better be a permanent change happening cuz fool me once shame on him, fool me twice...u wont fool me three times

peaceinnature · July 2016

It sounds to me like he's both ignorant on how to care for a baby/what a newborn needs, as well as extremely insecure and uncertain of his own ability to care for her. But instead of saying that, asking for help, and educating himself he's covering his insecurity up with this weird bravado and hiding out in his phone. Not cool. Like is he trying to make a (really bad) joke when he calls her names or something? That's the only thing that remotely makes sense to me. Even if you decide to divorce him, you might still have to coparent with him for a long time so I think it's worth it to call him on that and say "I can tell you're uncomfortable, the best way to learn is to do it over and over, let yourself make mistakes, and avoiding her isn't going to make it easier." Maybe an ultimatum would get through to him that he can't just hide away until she's older and even then, older is not necessarily easier to take care of.

But yeah, my impression is that he basically has no idea what to do so he's covering it up by acting like this. Maybe he also doesn't think his routine or lifestyle should have to change to accomdate the baby. But mostly the first thing.

DSTtots4lyfe · July 2016

@aoliveira11 Read this:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12658457/i-need-your-thoughts-and-prayers

purplefan1 · July 2016

DSTtots4lyfe said:

@aoliveira11 Read this:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12658457/i-need-your-thoughts-and-prayers

Yes, I was going back through trying to remember that thread and that sweet little girl

goldie987 · July 2016

Many cases of shaken babies are not parents who set out with the intent to harm their children. It is a parent who is frustrated and lashes out at the child in anger. This situation seems like the perfect recipe for such an event to occur. It only takes a few seconds to cause irreparable harm to your child, being within monitor range may not be close enough to stop something. Please please do not leave your child alone with him.

MamaNicoleof3 · July 2016

veggiebabylove said:

It sounds to me like he's both ignorant on how to care for a baby/what a newborn needs, as well as extremely insecure and uncertain of his own ability to care for her. But instead of saying that, asking for help, and educating himself he's covering his insecurity up with this weird bravado and hiding out in his phone. Not cool. Like is he trying to make a (really bad) joke when he calls her names or something? That's the only thing that remotely makes sense to me. Even if you decide to divorce him, you might still have to coparent with him for a long time so I think it's worth it to call him on that and say "I can tell you're uncomfortable, the best way to learn is to do it over and over, let yourself make mistakes, and avoiding her isn't going to make it easier." Maybe an ultimatum would get through to him that he can't just hide away until she's older and even then, older is not necessarily easier to take care of.

But yeah, my impression is that he basically has no idea what to do so he's covering it up by acting like this. Maybe he also doesn't think his routine or lifestyle should have to change to accomdate the baby. But mostly the first thing.

Uh. No. This is abuse. It's not covering up feeling insecure or incapable of caring for a baby. Don't excuse his absolutely abhorrent behavior by making up lame excuses.

peaceinnature · July 2016

I'm sorry if my post gives the impression that I think the behavior is ok. I don't and it's not and I think the op knows that it's not. But I also don't feel comfortable encouraging someone to leave their partner based on a post on the Internet. I was just sharing my thoughts based on the ops original post, I could be wrong. Plus I don't think using his phone to mask his insecurity isn't horrible or resulting in abusive actions. Nor is him being insecure a reason for her to overlook the behavior and stay with him. I was just trying to get to the root issue.

purplefan1 · July 2016

veggiebabylove said:

I'm sorry if my post gives the impression that I think the behavior is ok. I don't and it's not and I think the op knows that it's not. But I also don't feel comfortable encouraging someone to leave their partner based on a post on the Internet. I was just sharing my thoughts based on the ops original post, I could be wrong. Plus I don't think using his phone to mask his insecurity isn't horrible or resulting in abusive actions. Nor is him being insecure a reason for her to overlook the behavior and stay with him. I was just trying to get to the root issue.

I don't think you were wrong at all and believe that insecurity is likely a reason why someone who was formerly so supportive and excited about baby has quickly changed to withdrawn and irritable and angry. Insecurity is very difficult for many people and can manifest in different ways including becoming abusive. Rarely are strong, confident, self assured people abusive. It isnt looking for an excuse for him, but attempting to recognize core issues and determine if they can be resolved. Could things get better if he got counseling and built his identity as a dad and partner? Possibly. But that help has to happen NOW and he has to be able to admit that help is necessary and willing to engage.

With the court system and custody the way it is, even if divorce did happen, unless you can prove neglect the parents end up sharing custody. I would rather see him get help and become a healthy parent, then see her just adios now and then have to send this sweet baby to him every other weekend and a few days a week unsupervised.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

Deleted by OP

adiaz132003 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

I think the insecurity plays a big part in his actions. The way we do some things are very different and most of it comes naturally and easy to me while he struggles to figure it out. Like how to swaddle or burp. But ive made my share of parenting mistakes too. He's definitely not an abusive guy And would never go out of his way to put his hands on me to hurt me. I believe the same goes for our baby...since last night he hasn't picked up the phone to play that game once and im hoping that means he understands im not screwing around and jusg talking nonsense. With the name calling he said he talked to another new mom who said the baby isnt going to remember so its not a big deal. Apparently the new mom is his sister who got pregnant on purpose to keep her bf from joining the army...this is the kind of person he should be taking parenting advice from lmao. I told him he needs to figure out a way to stop calling our daughter these horrible names and act like a parent...not a child. Everything else comes secondary. His sister also told him that if the baby cries for 5 mins so she can finish her meal before feeding the baby, its not going to hurt her. I flipped at this...she is not on our schedule...we are on DD's. She needs to eat when shes hungry. Shes going to cry while u fix the bottle but thats for what like 30seconds? I told him he needs to take his parenting advice from someone who isnt an idiot and learn to do things the correct way. Another thing ill be bringing up to our shrink. I dont want to leavw my husband. I do love him very much and I honestly feel there are some deeper issues not being addresses which is why his actions are total crap and we need to get to the bottom of.

Well I hope counseling goes well but I till feel that maybe you are trying extra hard to see the bright side and make excuses for him. I get it though, my DH has had anger issues in the past and he also did therapy which helped but he wasn't nearly as bad or extreme as what you have discribed. I used to make excuses for him too until something my mom said one day made me go "hmm". She said "I get that he gets frustrated sometimes but how do you know he won't get frustrated at a new baby?"

edeibel89 · July 2016

Not all abuse is beating and hitting. Sometimes it's neglect. Sometimes it's name-calling. Sometimes it's pressuring your wife to have sex too soon postpartum. Almost all abuse escalates. I'll say it again, don't become another news headline. It makes me so sad for your daughter, who didn't ask for any of this, to be trapped in such a scary situation. And it makes me sad for you that making excuses and ignoring what needs to be done actually makes sense to you.

DeePaddy24 · July 2016

The last time you posted about him you said that after talking to him he appeared to come around & understood how his words/actions were harmful. And guess what? He didn't change, because his behaviour prompted this post. You are in denial & trying to defend him. It's sad. I feel so sorry for your daughter. She deserves only the best...why not do everything in your power to give her that?!

kwife15 · July 2016

OP, your problem is getting worse, not better. You are making it worse because you are excusing and enabling inexcusable behavior. My heart breaks for your daughter.

TunieBee · July 2016

You are right. He has some serious issues. I would be gone with my baby. Sounds like you have support from your parents. Perhaps it's time to go to their house and start considering other options.

loveymay · July 2016

Agree with PP, you need to leave now! Take your baby somewhere safe. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of your sweet innocent helpless baby, being neglected and starved by her father. Please dont leave her alone with him. You can work on your marriage, but like a PP said, you dont have to live in the same house while you work on it.

purplefan1 · July 2016

@AOliveira11..... What's up with the delete?

huskypuppy14 · July 2016

I'm betting she deleted because someone threatened to call CPS on her. While we all agree she needs help and should probably take a break from her husband, that comment was uncalled for. That doesn't help women who are in abusive situations, because they then won't ask for help in the future. OP is a victim too.

purplefan1 · July 2016

I'm more concerned that her husband found out she posted and made her take them down.

Bringmemylongswordho · July 2016

Hey op, if you're still around, I'd like to share a bit with you.

What you've shared about your husbands behavior reminds me a lot of how my mom described my biological father's behavior. My dad never hit me, though he certainly didn’t help mom with any sort of basic care. My dad did however sexually abuse me and my sister. This happened before and after their divorce. Mom never knew until I told her at 18. She would have said for all Dads faults, he'd at least never hurt his daughters.

Get out. Get counseling. If not for you, for your daughter. So you never hear 18 years from now how he hurt her.

adiaz132003 · July 2016

June2016BabyW said:

I'm more concerned that her husband found out she posted and made her take them down.

I'm sure everything is fine. It was a lot coming at her at once. So many of us were telling her to leave and it can be overwhelming. I mean, in all fairness we are a bunch of "strangers" on the internet who really don't know them or the relationship besides what we've been told. All we can do is support her and hope she and her family are safe and happy and if she wants to take our advice, she will. FX everything works out.

Sydvicious08 · July 2016

She deleted everything she has said about him in the past... I would assume she somehow got reported or he found out.

goldie987 · July 2016

The baby is a victim of neglect regardless of whether the mom is also a victim of the father or not. Its BS to say that because she's in an abusive situation, the child (who is living in the same situation) doesn't deserve to be helped.

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