Potty training

jab3-2 · July 2016

TLDR: My DD is just shy of turning 4 and still isn't potty trained. She does have autism, but functions pretty well despite this. Any suggestions?

DD is just shy of turning 4 and still isn't potty trained. I almost didn't want to post this because I'm embarrassed and feel like I'm going to get a major side eye from everyone for this. But, I'm willing to put this out there in the hopes that someone will throw a suggestion out there that I haven't already tried. Relatives don't have any helpful suggestions but are quick to point out that she should have been trained ages ago and especially since she's a girl.

I will say that she has autism so I know that might be coming in to play here, but I still feel like a shit mom for not having her potty trained yet. She's extremely high functioning so I've been taken aback by what a struggle this has been. The crazy thing is, my DS also has ASD but has significant delays and behaviors because of it and he was potty trained by 3 1/2 which I was extremely grateful for. I didn't even need the help of his therapists who are here daily.

When she attended 1/2 day preschool this past year, I would send her in undies and she would hold it all day. Her teachers said she would go through all the motions, but never actually produce anything which is true for at home as well. Her pedi isn't concerned about her holding it for 1/2 day of school nor is he concerned about her still not being trained. I don't like that she feels like she has to hold it all day and by the time she gets home she would be crossing her legs clearly uncomfortable. This year she will be in preschool for 2 additional hours and this is really scaring me.

Things we've tried: sticker charts, the promise of highly desired toys, treats, praise, other rewards, potty seats on the actual toilet, mini potty seats on the floor with characters she loves and that sing, songs and books sung and read by us, watching shows like Daniel Tiger who she loves that sing about going to the potty, letting her go around naked which leads to her just going on the floor both pee or poop, talking about it, me showing her how to go/letting her watch me go, giving her privacy, staying in there with her, letting her pick out underwear she likes, taking things away or not allowing desired activities or outings if she won't try, telling her how friends and cousins of the same age use the potty because that's what big girls do (without making her feel ashamed just simply stating it) giving her extra fluids (she's so stubborn she will STILL hold it until she's crying with a bellyache) taking her at timed intervals or right when she gets home from school or being out, and most of all not pushing her into doing it or making it a negative, scary thing. I probably left some stuff out too.

So she wears pull-ups at home and when she has to go will go behind a closed door for privacy and go in the pull-up. It doesn't seem to bother her to have pee or poop in her pull up or even undies though. Also doesn't mind being changed still. Help? Anyone? What am I doing wrong here or what could I be doing differently? Or is she really just not ready yet?

mjsommer · July 2016

We are starting elimination communication so my boy is younger but I think it sounds like you are doing a good job. She might not be ready yet. Does she tell you when she had to go? Have you thought about possibly having a special sign that she can tell you when she has to potty? Then it could be like your and hers special "time" I sit my baby on the potty every time I go and then I make a psss sound and say pee pee etc when I go. We are doing sign language a little bit and those are our next signs. My friend trained her son using signing and signing time videos and she said they were extremely helpful! Best of luck to you and you are doing a great job:)

jab3-2 · July 2016

Both my kids do know some sign language especially DS because even at almost 6 we can barely understand him as he has a severe speech delay and was nonverbal for quite some time. DD is very verbal and tells us when she needs to go, but I will try a new special code sign for potty with her, different than the basic "potty" sign we already use because she might think that's cool. I don't think it will make her actually do anything other than sit on there and smile like she always does, but it's worth a shot! And I appreciate your support and reassurance anyway.

SweetT · July 2016

What about making her sit on the potty with a pull-up on?
My DD had a terrible time poop potty training. She was pee trained right at 2 but not poop trained until after 3. She would hold it for days even with miralax.
Anyway, when she asked for a pull-up we would give it to her and then ask her to go in the bathroom to use it. Our next step was going to be sitting on potty with the pull-up on but we never needed to do that because she finally just did it on her own. I guess she figured if she had to be in the bathroom she might as well use the toilet.

jab3-2 · July 2016

SweetT, that's a good idea and I haven't tried it yet. She likes being able to go in the bathroom for privacy, but maybe I could say you can go in there as long as you sit on the potty (with the pull up on.) Definetly worth a shot and will try, thank you.

16isourluckynumber · July 2016

Agree with the suggestion of sitting on the potty with a pull up on. I have also heard of people cutting a hole in the pull up.

Otherwise, I just want to say that I FEEL FOR YOU. My daughter, who otherwise does not have developmental concerns, had a lot of trouble potty training. We tried hard from 2.5-3 years old and then just had to go back into a pull up (for pee only - she did fine pooping on the potty) until 3 y 7 mo, when she finally decided to try again. Even after that, she would have frequent small wet accidents (like not fully peeing her pants but just a little). I know it can be SO hard and stressful. I would say that if these new suggestions don't work easily, to try to wait a little bit longer, especially since you said she has some other developmental struggles.

jab3-2 · July 2016

Thanks! It feels good to know I'm not alone in the struggle even though it sucks others have to go through it too. It is really stressful. I was kinda hoping to not be changing diapers on both a newborn and a 4 1/2 yr old. Cutting a hole in the pull-up is a great idea too! I just don't know how to convince her to both sit on the potty AND actually go simultaneously. It's like she's only willing to do one or the other!

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