This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
I didn't realize that trying to take steps to make sure your newborn stays safe/healthy is an inconvenience?
I was referring to posting rules for specific visitor times/duration/telling people they can't wait in the waiting room etc. In terms of keeping baby safe, some things just are a bit much for me- asking people to wash their hands or avoid visiting if they're sick, reasonable- expecting everyone to be vaccinated for a short visit, unreasonable. But that's just ME, I understand this does not reflect the majorities opinion.
She has already made a few responses to clarify her opinion.. Like smokers not being caregivers but short ten minute visitors aka little to potentially no direct exposure..
It could be very offensive to someone that is a smoker to say you can't even come to see my baby if you are a smoker, for example. They may feel totally ostracized and as if THEY don't matter at all and that your intent is specifically to exclude them. Some people are more sensitive than others, like my husbands family for instance. They would not even come to the hospital and peak in at my baby from across the room if I made a FB post with "rules."
@ansley0319 if by "clarifying" you mean she tried to back pedal out of her original statement...
She said nothing about caregivers, which wasn't the point of this discussion anyway. We are talking about the best way to handle setting boundaries for family and friends. Not whether or not you should set boundaries at all. Those family and friends may be coming in from out of town or they may be close members that will see the child often throughout their first year. Either way this discussion is about keeping baby safe during their hospital stay when they are fresh out of the womb and are at the highest risk for exposure to certain things. @lissvarna was saying it was off putting and unappreciative to ask ANY family to follow certain rules like wearing clean clothes and getting vaccinated.
Also, I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who has discussed who should be in the waiting room, which was in reference to some personal family issues I am having. That was in another discussion which she commented on and DDed. So clearly she's been holding onto her opinion long enough to passive aggressively post it here, which I find offensive and frankly just f*cking rude.
I understand you agree with her opinion and feel the need to white knight all over the place, but here's my point: If YOU don't think it's an issue and have no problem letting Great Aunt Sue who chain smokes holding your child without changing clothes first, then fine, go ahead, do your thing. You clearly are not someone who is trying to navigate this situation. So then why come into a discussion about it saying "What's the big deal GUISE??" Just because you don't see it as a risk, doesn't mean the risks aren't there. You're not going to change anyone's opinion about that.
I just want to note, there are some cultural issues that contribute to this. We received minimal pushback about our vaccination requirements. We don't know any heavy smokers, so that wasn't really an issue. In fact, people who might not see the baby or only see her briefly (or once she is older) said they had never thought about the tdap before and were getting them. Even our Rabbi commented on my Facebook page that he has "all of his shots."
I can imagine in other families and cultures it being more offensive to tell others what to do. But my experience was that this was very easy.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
I didn't realize that trying to take steps to make sure your newborn stays safe/healthy is an inconvenience?
I was referring to posting rules for specific visitor times/duration/telling people they can't wait in the waiting room etc. In terms of keeping baby safe, some things just are a bit much for me- asking people to wash their hands or avoid visiting if they're sick, reasonable- expecting everyone to be vaccinated for a short visit, unreasonable. But that's just ME, I understand this does not reflect the majorities opinion.
She has already made a few responses to clarify her opinion.. Like smokers not being caregivers but short ten minute visitors aka little to potentially no direct exposure..
It could be very offensive to someone that is a smoker to say you can't even come to see my baby if you are a smoker, for example. They may feel totally ostracized and as if THEY don't matter at all and that your intent is specifically to exclude them. Some people are more sensitive than others, like my husbands family for instance. They would not even come to the hospital and peak in at my baby from across the room if I made a FB post with "rules."
Once again, I don't really give a tiny rats ass if me asking someone to put my infant daughters life before their disgusting habit. I would not phrase it that way obviously, and I wouldn't say they can't come visit the baby at all, but if they get their back up because I ask them to wash their hands or wear fresh clothes before they hold our baby, then that's their issue. Smoker's get so effing precious about their "right" to smoke; and I'm saying that as an ex smoker. If they feel ostracized, maybe they should take a long hard look at the many aspects of their addiction and how it affects others, rather then the 5 minute gratification that seems to identify their very existence to the point where it's offensive to ask them to consider others for a change.
There's no doubt any kind of smoke is harmful, but would one or two exposures to 3rd hand smoke really create an elevated SIDS risk? My understanding is this risk increases with regular contact. Same for asthma/allergies.
Maybe it would and maybe it wouldn't, but why risk it? Asking someone to wear freshly washed clothes and not smoking beforehand is a small thing to ask in exchange for the health of my newborn.
*************************************** FORMER USERNAME:@runningisrad
My family all lives an hour and a half away and they ALL smoke. Asking my grandmother to change her clothes every time she goes outside for a cig is a little overboard. What I will do is what a PP said, ask her to have a towel between LO and her and most definitely wash her hands (everyone will be doing this, not just smokers). I think these are reasonable expectations.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about. But I'm also really close to my friends, and they'd ask before popping by, and my family is out of town.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
So I'm guessing this is similar to the comment that you deleted on the other discussion?
Explain why would it be "off putting" to ask someone to wash their hands and not place a newborn's face on clothes that had just been exposed to smoke? Why is it "unappreciative" to ask family that loves and cares for the child to take steps to not expose them to pertussis? I would say exposing a newborn to smoke or whooping cough so that nobody gets their little feelings hurt is more than just an "inconvenience", it's a potential health risk. Nobody knows the extent of the risk due to very limited exposure, but if we are talking about grandparents or family that will be holding the baby often, then this definitely something that should be addressed because the exposure will not be limited to one or two times. Asking someone to take minimal precautions "sends the wrong message"? Really? Well you have fun with letting whoever do whatever around your infant because you would rather not risk someone's feelings over the health and well being of your child.
I mean, we get it, you don't think 3rd hand smoke and vaccines are an issue. That's your opinion and certainly your prerogative to not set boundaries and rules, but why do you keep trolling these discussions then? All you are doing is basically implying that the rest of us are being "off putting" and "unappreciative" or that we don't think our relationships with our friends and family are important simply because we request that they be extra cautious.
I don't even remember what it was that I deleted, but way to keep tabs on me?
is offering a different opinion "trolling" a discussion? OP let us know what she planned on doing and it seemed like she was interested in feedback, so I gave mine.
Someone recently posted on some thread that it feels like anyone who does not share the majorities opinion is unwelcome to post, basically. I totally agree.
@ansley0319 if by "clarifying" you mean she tried to back pedal out of her original statement...
She said nothing about caregivers, which wasn't the point of this discussion anyway. We are talking about the best way to handle setting boundaries for family and friends. Not whether or not you should set boundaries at all. Those family and friends may be coming in from out of town or they may be close members that will see the child often throughout their first year. Either way this discussion is about keeping baby safe during their hospital stay when they are fresh out of the womb and are at the highest risk for exposure to certain things. @lissvarna was saying it was off putting and unappreciative to ask ANY family to follow certain rules like wearing clean clothes and getting vaccinated.
Also, I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who has discussed who should be in the waiting room, which was in reference to some personal family issues I am having. That was in another discussion which she commented on and DDed. So clearly she's been holding onto her opinion long enough to passive aggressively post it here, which I find offensive and frankly just f*cking rude.
I understand you agree with her opinion and feel the need to white knight all over the place, but here's my point: If YOU don't think it's an issue and have no problem letting Great Aunt Sue who chain smokes holding your child without changing clothes first, then fine, go ahead, do your thing. You clearly are not someone who is trying to navigate this situation. So then why come into a discussion about it saying "What's the big deal GUISE??" Just because you don't see it as a risk, doesn't mean the risks aren't there. You're not going to change anyone's opinion about that.
I absolutely was not saying it's off putting to to ask ANYONE to follow ANY 'rules!' Way to put words in my mouth! I said that if there were any real concerns I'd think it more tactful to talk to someone one-on-one and in a sensitive way. Geez.
Bottom line is that there's nothing invalid about my opinion. Believe it or not, there's more than one way to do things. Other cultures raise infants much, much differently than we do- and successfully. I think it's too bad that you are quite literally considered and treated like a troll on these boards if you dare suggest something different.
Edited again to say that I've seen a few posts about not allowing visitors in the waiting room, don't remember who, and it certainly wasn't some calculated attack against you- no, I don't remember who posts what and then hold it against them! Who would go out of their way like that just to offend a stranger?
I would handle it on an individual basis. If anyone is coming to visit me and my newborn they're close enough that I can ask if they've been sick recently, tell them if I smell smoke on their breath or clothes they can't hold the baby, ask them to wash their hands, etc.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about. But I'm also really close to my friends, and they'd ask before popping by, and my family is out of town.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
I'm just going to quote you again because you want to keep holding up the "innocent opinion" card.
Sorry, but plenty of people have offered differing opinions on discussions (including this one) without making rude implications about everyone else in the discussion. Nobody is saying you shouldn't post your opinion, but be prepared to back it up when people respond instead of trying to back pedal and change your own words. Your post implies that if someone sets certain rules, then they are being "off putting" or "sending a wrong message". That we don't feel "lucky and grateful" if we ask certain precautions to be made. That these rules would "make them feel unappreciated" and that the boundaries are "more important than a relationship with people they care about".
Again, it's fine to have that opinion. Sometimes opinions aren't constructive and just cause arguments (aka trolling). It's similar to walking into a formula feeding discussion and talking about all the reasons you would rather breastfeed, or walking into a SAHM discussion and talking about how much you would rather go back to work.
And please stop with acting like you don't remember a post that you dirty deleted a few days ago on a very similar thread. I don't need to "keep tabs on people" when they consistently exhibit troll-like behavior. You just call attention to yourself.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about. But I'm also really close to my friends, and they'd ask before popping by, and my family is out of town.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
I'm just going to quote you again because you want to keep holding up the "innocent opinion" card.
Sorry, but plenty of people have offered differing opinions on discussions (including this one) without making rude implications about everyone else in the discussion. Nobody is saying you shouldn't post your opinion, but be prepared to back it up when people respond instead of trying to back pedal and change your own words. Your post implies that if someone sets certain rules, then they are being "off putting" or "sending a wrong message". That we don't feel "lucky and grateful" if we ask certain precautions to be made. That these rules would "make them feel unappreciated" and that the boundaries are "more important than a relationship with people they care about".
Again, it's fine to have that opinion. Sometimes opinions aren't constructive and just cause arguments (aka trolling). It's similar to walking into a formula feeding discussion and talking about all the reasons you would rather breastfeed, or walking into a SAHM discussion and talking about how much you would rather go back to work.
And please stop with acting like you don't remember a post that you dirty deleted a few days ago on a very similar thread. I don't need to "keep tabs on people" when they consistently exhibit troll-like behavior. You just call attention to yourself.
^^This!
and also our board is amazing for being able to have differing opinions while staying civil and not insulting each other
Anyway, thanks for posting this @runningisrad because it gave me the idea to send out a family email.
I also agree with @amandazap. I would normally only ask for hands to be washed, but if someone is a chain smoker or smokes inside, I think a towel is perfectly sufficient.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about. But I'm also really close to my friends, and they'd ask before popping by, and my family is out of town.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
I'm just going to quote you again because you want to keep holding up the "innocent opinion" card.
Sorry, but plenty of people have offered differing opinions on discussions (including this one) without making rude implications about everyone else in the discussion. Nobody is saying you shouldn't post your opinion, but be prepared to back it up when people respond instead of trying to back pedal and change your own words. Your post implies that if someone sets certain rules, then they are being "off putting" or "sending a wrong message". That we don't feel "lucky and grateful" if we ask certain precautions to be made. That these rules would "make them feel unappreciated" and that the boundaries are "more important than a relationship with people they care about".
Again, it's fine to have that opinion. Sometimes opinions aren't constructive and just cause arguments (aka trolling). It's similar to walking into a formula feeding discussion and talking about all the reasons you would rather breastfeed, or walking into a SAHM discussion and talking about how much you would rather go back to work.
And please stop with acting like you don't remember a post that you dirty deleted a few days ago on a very similar thread. I don't need to "keep tabs on people" when they consistently exhibit troll-like behavior. You just call attention to yourself.
Once again you're putting words in my mouth; , I didn't deny deleting a post. What I meant was that I don't even remember what that post was about it what thread it was in, and I truly don't. Whatever it was- I deleted it because I anticipated a similar response- hellfire because I dared to feel differently than everyone else. I had no idea deleting a post was so bothersome. If I saw that id just keep scrolling.
Listen, I'd like to be a part of message boards like this, and I find thebump is most active. It is tough though, when you have differing views on a lot of things and notice a pattern of people being flamed for that sort of thing. I don't post much for that reason. And I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way- I've seen several posters say similar things.
I re-read my post you just quoted and still don't see the issue. I weighed in with my opinion. All of what I said was simply that - an opinion and I'm sorry if you thought I believed that to be fact. I do feel that way about overly stated "rules" and didn't mean to "back pedal". I sometimes think people don't realize how that comes across, and I think speaking individually to loved ones about this stuff is a much better option. It's no implication everyone who does post "rules" is some sort of awful person. Yes, it is in fact an "innocent opinion" like all opinions are, frankly. Nowhere in the rules do i see that if an opinion doesn't jive with the majority , is it not allowed.
@lissvarna I'm looking back at the OP and can see where you maybe thought the Facebook post was off putting. I didnt put words in your mouth, and if you read my posts clearly you would see that, but this is getting exhausting. I still think you worded it poorly and made some implications with your post, but you clearly don't so I don't have the energy or time to keep on with this conversation. Maybe I'm being extra bitchy because I had a shit day, and maybe I'm more sensitive due to personal situations in my life where people openly and unapologetically put my family members' health at risk because of their habit. I never told anyone they don't have a right to voice their opinion or flamed someone for the sake of entertainment. I think we have a great BMB. That's all I have left to say about it. Over and out.
I don't normally respond to stuff like this, but it's gotten ridiculous and it's interrupting the great environment we've had on here, so I'm going to chime in to perhaps help make you aware of something.
No one gives a flying flip that you have a different opinion. The problem is many feel that your "different opinions" are put in ways that are casually insulting to others. This is the problem, not your opinion. I have different opinions about vaccines than most everyone here, and we know that's a touchy subject for most people, but I've yet to run into a problem with having a different opinion because I don't blithely shame others, and shame is exactly what you imply with your responses.
You don't see the issue with your posts but let me guarantee you that there is one, and it's mostly centered around your cavalier attitude towards other poster's feelings regarding the topic at hand in combination with your thinly veiled condescension. Agree to disagree is usually how this board flows, which is one of the reasons I love this community of ladies so much. You come off as being very proud of your differing opinions on touchy topics and I've noticed you normally post only to express your opposing opinions to said touchy topics, which is annoying and attention grabby.
And pulling the "You're attacking me because I have a different opinion" card is also annoying. Repeating - no one cares that you have a different opinion. Without all your sneaky snark, your opinion actually echoes a few of the others that have already been expressed here. Somehow the other women managed to state their preferences without the superciliousness.
In an effort to reel this back in to the topic at hand before Admin shuts this pony show down -
After a lot of consideration (and thoughts about points other people have posted on this thread) we've decided not to make any type of announcement at all. We're going take individuals visiting on a one on one basis. Asking for people to wash hands or use a blanket/towel seems easy enough to do on the fly and we'll just have to explain to anyone who's sick that we can't risk the baby getting sick before vaccines.
When it comes to the TDAP, I've already talked to DH about it and he says his family is more than likely to flat out refuse and not out of maliciousness, but mostly out of cost and medical concerns. Since his family lives so far away and won't be spending very much time with the baby in the early stages, I'm not too worried. My parents and siblings are up to date on theirs previous to our happy announcement, so no issue there.
We ARE visiting DH's family on Christmas when babe is only 3 months old but we've already both agreed that there will not be a lot of baby holding by other family members during this time. I'm going to carry him in a baby carrier as often as possible and let people know that the Dr. has said to avoid passing him around, especially because we're delaying a few of his vaccines due to family medical history. I'm basically going to refuse to be upset by anyone who doesn't agree with our rules! They'll get over it!
No sneaky snark meant. I tried to be pretty straight forward about my feelings that posting public rules like that isn't the best way to do things. (To me- not everyone has to feel that way!!) You're right, I don't post much on these boards because I feel like my thoughts are usually different than the majority and this always seems to happen no matter how I frame my opinion.
Although you're framing me as just a trouble maker, i'm definitely not the only person who has felt like expressing a different viewpoint was a problem around here, so that's something to consider. I will let everyone weigh in what a jerk I am in peace & also bow out of this conversation.
I would receive that very poorly as a potential visitor.
First of all, you don't want people thinking you've got some sort of open door policy. I want people to call and make arrangements with me. You know what? Eff that. I don't want them inviting themselves over to my house. Let me invite them when I'm ready. I'm busy with a new kid and a toddler.
Then, when I invite them, if I have any stipulations I can say it to them face to face in a polite way or while I'm making the plans. You can call/text and say "We're ready for you guys to visit if you've been in good health recently." And then "Hey, we're having everyone wash their hands before they meet the baby." as they come in the door. Dole it out as necessary instead of bombarding everyone with a public list of demands. Yes, you may be repeating yourself. But guess what, just cause you posted "you have to wash your hands" on facebook doesn't mean that you won't be saying it to everyone in person again anyway.
This would be off putting to me. I feel lucky and grateful to have friends and family that want to be a part of my child's life, and to me something like this sends the wrong message. I'd rather be inconvenienced by their visit than make them feel unappreciated. Boundaries are important but not more important than my relationship w/the people we care about. But I'm also really close to my friends, and they'd ask before popping by, and my family is out of town.
If there were a real concern with someone specific, I'd personally talk to them about it and be as sensitive as possible.
You don't want your loved ones to feel unappreciated. I agree with that sentiment, but your job as a new mom absolutely includes prioritizing what is most convenient for you and your family over playing hostess. This is a time when your life is being totally turned upside down, and when your family and friends should be accommodating to you, not the other way around.
That being said, I agree that a personal conversation is most appropriate for when you're asking for favors/special considerations from your guests.
And "guests" is a term a use loosely. I really don't want anyone unwilling to switch a load of laundry for me or get their own glass of water to be visiting me in those early weeks.
Honestly, I think it's a bit much. If I saw someone do that I'd roll my eyes so hard.
If you feel the need for a public FB post, I would just say "Baby's here ... call ahead if you'd like to visit" or something like that. Then you can address a specific concern in a private conversation if necessary.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
You don't want your loved ones to feel unappreciated. I agree with that sentiment, but your job as a new mom absolutely includes prioritizing what is most convenient for you and your family over playing hostess. This is a time when your life is being totally turned upside down, and when your family and friends should be accommodating to you, not the other way around.
That being said, I agree that a personal conversation is most appropriate for when you're asking for favors/special considerations from your guests.
And "guests" is a term a use loosely. I really don't want anyone unwilling to switch a load of laundry for me or get their own glass of water to be visiting me in those early weeks.
@Megan324 I don't understand the smoking thing to be frank. I cannot imagine telling my family that smokes that they need to wear "clean" clothes in reference to ones that haven't been smoked in. I would be crucified for this. I also won't be asking because its like a 45 minute drive to our house one way and equally as far to the hospital the other way so they would never visit us ! I'm not sensitive to this issue and cannot/will not offend for this. Maybe I will research the issue further since it has never been brought to my attention before.
Do your research. I think the research speaks for itself. Here's a little blurb from the AAP to start you off.
Discuss it with your pediatrician, I'm confident any competent pediatrician will be familiar with the risks and be able to help you come to your own conclusion.
Thanks for all the insights & feedback, everyone. I could definitely see how something like a Facebook post could come across as off-putting. Convenience was on my mind when I thought of it, but lots of valid points have been brought up here! I personally am not super worried about offending my friends or family with my rules or guidelines. They're my rules. My baby's health and wellbeing comes first, and if they can't accept that, it's too bad. And I am certainly not concerned with playing hostess. I do wonder if telling people they can't visit unless they bring me food would be rude.
Joking. I wouldn't actually say that.
Probably.
*************************************** FORMER USERNAME:@runningisrad
@runningisrad Um. Why didn't I think of this? New rule established! A food sacrifice must be brought to honor the new baby! Otherwise no admittance! No sane person would have any issue with that.
Re: Public Visiting "Disclaimers"?
She has already made a few responses to clarify her opinion.. Like smokers not being caregivers but short ten minute visitors aka little to potentially no direct exposure..
It could be very offensive to someone that is a smoker to say you can't even come to see my baby if you are a smoker, for example. They may feel totally ostracized and as if THEY don't matter at all and that your intent is specifically to exclude them. Some people are more sensitive than others, like my husbands family for instance. They would not even come to the hospital and peak in at my baby from across the room if I made a FB post with "rules."
She said nothing about caregivers, which wasn't the point of this discussion anyway. We are talking about the best way to handle setting boundaries for family and friends. Not whether or not you should set boundaries at all. Those family and friends may be coming in from out of town or they may be close members that will see the child often throughout their first year. Either way this discussion is about keeping baby safe during their hospital stay when they are fresh out of the womb and are at the highest risk for exposure to certain things. @lissvarna was saying it was off putting and unappreciative to ask ANY family to follow certain rules like wearing clean clothes and getting vaccinated.
Also, I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who has discussed who should be in the waiting room, which was in reference to some personal family issues I am having. That was in another discussion which she commented on and DDed. So clearly she's been holding onto her opinion long enough to passive aggressively post it here, which I find offensive and frankly just f*cking rude.
I understand you agree with her opinion and feel the need to white knight all over the place, but here's my point: If YOU don't think it's an issue and have no problem letting Great Aunt Sue who chain smokes holding your child without changing clothes first, then fine, go ahead, do your thing. You clearly are not someone who is trying to navigate this situation. So then why come into a discussion about it saying "What's the big deal GUISE??"
Just because you don't see it as a risk, doesn't mean the risks aren't there. You're not going to change anyone's opinion about that.
I just want to note, there are some cultural issues that contribute to this. We received minimal pushback about our vaccination requirements. We don't know any heavy smokers, so that wasn't really an issue. In fact, people who might not see the baby or only see her briefly (or once she is older) said they had never thought about the tdap before and were getting them. Even our Rabbi commented on my Facebook page that he has "all of his shots."
I can imagine in other families and cultures it being more offensive to tell others what to do. But my experience was that this was very easy.
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad
In regards to family members who smoke-
My family all lives an hour and a half away and they ALL smoke. Asking my grandmother to change her clothes every time she goes outside for a cig is a little overboard. What I will do is what a PP said, ask her to have a towel between LO and her and most definitely wash her hands (everyone will be doing this, not just smokers). I think these are reasonable expectations.
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is offering a different opinion "trolling" a discussion? OP let us know what she planned on doing and it seemed like she was interested in feedback, so I gave mine.
Someone recently posted on some thread that it feels like anyone who does not share the majorities opinion is unwelcome to post, basically. I totally agree.
I absolutely was not saying it's off putting to to ask ANYONE to follow ANY 'rules!' Way to put words in my mouth! I said that if there were any real concerns I'd think it more tactful to talk to someone one-on-one and in a sensitive way. Geez.
Bottom line is that there's nothing invalid about my opinion. Believe it or not, there's more than one way to do things. Other cultures raise infants much, much differently than we do- and successfully. I think it's too bad that you are quite literally considered and treated like a troll on these boards if you dare suggest something different.
Edited again to say that I've seen a few posts about not allowing visitors in the waiting room, don't remember who, and it certainly wasn't some calculated attack against you- no, I don't remember who posts what and then hold it against them! Who would go out of their way like that just to offend a stranger?
Sorry, but plenty of people have offered differing opinions on discussions (including this one) without making rude implications about everyone else in the discussion. Nobody is saying you shouldn't post your opinion, but be prepared to back it up when people respond instead of trying to back pedal and change your own words. Your post implies that if someone sets certain rules, then they are being "off putting" or "sending a wrong message". That we don't feel "lucky and grateful" if we ask certain precautions to be made. That these rules would "make them feel unappreciated" and that the boundaries are "more important than a relationship with people they care about".
Again, it's fine to have that opinion. Sometimes opinions aren't constructive and just cause arguments (aka trolling). It's similar to walking into a formula feeding discussion and talking about all the reasons you would rather breastfeed, or walking into a SAHM discussion and talking about how much you would rather go back to work.
And please stop with acting like you don't remember a post that you dirty deleted a few days ago on a very similar thread. I don't need to "keep tabs on people" when they consistently exhibit troll-like behavior. You just call attention to yourself.
and also our board is amazing for being able to have differing opinions while staying civil and not insulting each other
I also agree with @amandazap. I would normally only ask for hands to be washed, but if someone is a chain smoker or smokes inside, I think a towel is perfectly sufficient.
Listen, I'd like to be a part of message boards like this, and I find thebump is most active. It is tough though, when you have differing views on a lot of things and notice a pattern of people being flamed for that sort of thing. I don't post much for that reason. And I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way- I've seen several posters say similar things.
I re-read my post you just quoted and still don't see the issue. I weighed in with my opinion. All of what I said was simply that - an opinion and I'm sorry if you thought I believed that to be fact. I do feel that way about overly stated "rules" and didn't mean to "back pedal". I sometimes think people don't realize how that comes across, and I think speaking individually to loved ones about this stuff is a much better option. It's no implication everyone who does post "rules" is some sort of awful person. Yes, it is in fact an "innocent opinion" like all opinions are, frankly. Nowhere in the rules do i see that if an opinion doesn't jive with the majority , is it not allowed.
I don't normally respond to stuff like this, but it's gotten ridiculous and it's interrupting the great environment we've had on here, so I'm going to chime in to perhaps help make you aware of something.
No one gives a flying flip that you have a different opinion. The problem is many feel that your "different opinions" are put in ways that are casually insulting to others. This is the problem, not your opinion. I have different opinions about vaccines than most everyone here, and we know that's a touchy subject for most people, but I've yet to run into a problem with having a different opinion because I don't blithely shame others, and shame is exactly what you imply with your responses.
You don't see the issue with your posts but let me guarantee you that there is one, and it's mostly centered around your cavalier attitude towards other poster's feelings regarding the topic at hand in combination with your thinly veiled condescension. Agree to disagree is usually how this board flows, which is one of the reasons I love this community of ladies so much. You come off as being very proud of your differing opinions on touchy topics and I've noticed you normally post only to express your opposing opinions to said touchy topics, which is annoying and attention grabby.
And pulling the "You're attacking me because I have a different opinion" card is also annoying. Repeating - no one cares that you have a different opinion. Without all your sneaky snark, your opinion actually echoes a few of the others that have already been expressed here. Somehow the other women managed to state their preferences without the superciliousness.
In an effort to reel this back in to the topic at hand before Admin shuts this pony show down -
After a lot of consideration (and thoughts about points other people have posted on this thread) we've decided not to make any type of announcement at all. We're going take individuals visiting on a one on one basis. Asking for people to wash hands or use a blanket/towel seems easy enough to do on the fly and we'll just have to explain to anyone who's sick that we can't risk the baby getting sick before vaccines.
When it comes to the TDAP, I've already talked to DH about it and he says his family is more than likely to flat out refuse and not out of maliciousness, but mostly out of cost and medical concerns. Since his family lives so far away and won't be spending very much time with the baby in the early stages, I'm not too worried. My parents and siblings are up to date on theirs previous to our happy announcement, so no issue there.
We ARE visiting DH's family on Christmas when babe is only 3 months old but we've already both agreed that there will not be a lot of baby holding by other family members during this time. I'm going to carry him in a baby carrier as often as possible and let people know that the Dr. has said to avoid passing him around, especially because we're delaying a few of his vaccines due to family medical history. I'm basically going to refuse to be upset by anyone who doesn't agree with our rules! They'll get over it!
Although you're framing me as just a trouble maker, i'm definitely not the only person who has felt like expressing a different viewpoint was a problem around here, so that's something to consider. I will let everyone weigh in what a jerk I am in peace & also bow out of this conversation.
First of all, you don't want people thinking you've got some sort of open door policy. I want people to call and make arrangements with me. You know what? Eff that. I don't want them inviting themselves over to my house. Let me invite them when I'm ready. I'm busy with a new kid and a toddler.
Then, when I invite them, if I have any stipulations I can say it to them face to face in a polite way or while I'm making the plans. You can call/text and say "We're ready for you guys to visit if you've been in good health recently." And then "Hey, we're having everyone wash their hands before they meet the baby." as they come in the door. Dole it out as necessary instead of bombarding everyone with a public list of demands. Yes, you may be repeating yourself. But guess what, just cause you posted "you have to wash your hands" on facebook doesn't mean that you won't be saying it to everyone in person again anyway.
You don't want your loved ones to feel unappreciated. I agree with that sentiment, but your job as a new mom absolutely includes prioritizing what is most convenient for you and your family over playing hostess. This is a time when your life is being totally turned upside down, and when your family and friends should be accommodating to you, not the other way around.
That being said, I agree that a personal conversation is most appropriate for when you're asking for favors/special considerations from your guests.
And "guests" is a term a use loosely. I really don't want anyone unwilling to switch a load of laundry for me or get their own glass of water to be visiting me in those early weeks.
If you feel the need for a public FB post, I would just say "Baby's here ... call ahead if you'd like to visit" or something like that. Then you can address a specific concern in a private conversation if necessary.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
Do your research. I think the research speaks for itself. Here's a little blurb from the AAP to start you off.
https://www.aappublications.org/content/30/11/8.2
Discuss it with your pediatrician, I'm confident any competent pediatrician will be familiar with the risks and be able to help you come to your own conclusion.
Joking. I wouldn't actually say that.
Probably.
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad