well, that escalated quickly. . I can only imagine what it's like with 3 kids...I only have one and it's a challenge. I would say to try and have a date night, but that's hard to do with 3 and not having family nearby to help (I personally wouldn't leave my newborn with a stranger). Having a baby definitely has changed the dynamic of my marriage, but I also thinks it's important to still have adult/child free time out of the house...for your sanity and your marriage. My husband and I have gone to lunch or to run errands without Ethan (he stayed with my mom) and it was nice (even though my husband wanted to hurry up so we could get back to Ethan!! Haha). I can understand your husband missing the intimacy, but let him know he only has to wait a few weeks and then you can try! I honestly can't wait and I'm definitely missing sex and so is my hubby. Haha. So, I think you're doing the best you can and he will just have to be patient.
Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep
I am a husband of one of the June mom's. I never read or post here but my wife often reads me the interesting threads.
This post stood out to me. It would be one thing if he was calling her an asshole or a dick or something like that. (though still incredibly wrong). But the fact that he is using the term bitch takes it to another level of wrong
That little girl is gong to spend a lifetime of having men use the term "bitch" to hurt her simply for being a girl/ woman. There is a serious problem with the fact that the very first man to ever use that term against her is her father. It's disgusting.
Amber- you have to realize that you are on a message board and you are going to get advice you don't like. The reason people call your husband an asshole is because you have probably at least a dozen posts showing examples of him being an asshole. Weren't you the one who posted back in the winter time that your husband wouldn't shovel snow so you had to and watch the kids. Sorry, but no nice husband does that.
Many of us think it's absurd that you just gave birth to your third child and your husband is being a baby that he can't have sex. It's not your problem to fix- that's his problem.
I also think my husband is not an anomaly. Many of my friend's husbands also take up a lot of the housework and help with the baby. This is not a "men just being men" thing, and it's sad some of you think that's the case.
My H and I have always agreed that our marriage would come first (within reason) in an effort to maintain a happy and healthy home for our kids. That being said, I think the first few weeks of an infants life are kind of an obvious exception and if he was complaining that he wasn't getting enough attention or if my happiness/enjoyment of the new child we created together was causing him to experience negative emotions... I'd be showing him the door and he might be welcomed back if he grew the F up.
And for all you women suggesting Amber do anything to "remedy" this situation... shame on you. You don't need to do anything. He needs to get over his damn self.
I should have expected the wonderful advice of "get a divorce" since that's the first response of every women on the Internet who hasn't struggled with relationship things with their spouse. It's so great to advise people on huge life altering decisions that they didn't ask about when you know nothing about their real life situation. I'll totally take your suggestion.
As far as laying out his clothes etc, it's not something that he expects me to do, it's something I do because I know it makes him feel special. Much the same way he takes out the trash for me, or helps clear the dishes when I have cooked, or takes the kids to the park so I can rest. When you love someone don't you both want to help each other feel important and loved? I would hope every husband and wife do little things for each other, not because they have to, but because they want to.
if you've never been close to someone who suffers with depression and past addiction issues maybe it's hard to understand wanting to help them maintain a positive outlook when they begin getting overwhelmed. It's a different feeling than just seeing someone who's tired or overwhelmed, because you know what ignoring those signs could mean for them. Is it my responsibility to keep him clean and happy? No. But if I love him I'm sure as hell going to do what I can to help him. I'm not being self deprecating to choose to help someone I love who struggles.
Our marriage isn't perfect, no ones is. But we do have a mutual respect and pretty open communication. Counseling is not something in a stranger to, but honestly this was just a question to see how others had helped each other through similar situations, not a cry for help.
Amber- you know jack about my amazing and wonderful marriage so don't presume, except that clearly, it is not like yours. But my hubs and I do take care of each other, which is why I don't have to go to an Internet site to post umpteen threads asking for 'how I can be a better wife' to some juvenile, manipulative a$$hole in an attempt to either garner sympathy or seek support for my martyrdom.
On depression and addiction, oh girl.. Again with your assumptions. Guess what- first lesson (if you go to a support group for family members of addicts) is to stop enabling them. You are not responsible for their happiness, they have to be responsible for it-that's a necessary part of sobriety. Letting them manipulate you into being the new drug of choice... Not healthy and yup- I'm not afraid to suggest divorce if you describe a clearly unhealthy and nasty relationship to us over the course of 10mths. It exists for a reason.
I thank god every day that I have a marriage of mutual respect and the wisdom (and excellent therapy) that allows me to see the difference between the reality and what your shoveling. It's your marriage, if you like it, enjoy it. But if you open a bajillion threads to complain about it and AW how spechul you are for caring for a $hitstack, I'm gonna say the truth.
I had a talk with hubby this morning about his attitude and told him to do his research on new born development...the biggest thing being at this age until about 2-3 months, they are going off instinct and can only communicate with us by cries, coos, grunts and other sounds. Its not until that 2-3 month mark they can figure out how to manipulate us into what they want. I also told him that calling our daughter a cranky bitch is not acceptable and other phrases like fussy or cranky pants/baby/girl/britches/etc would be more acceptable and it makes me sad that he is name calling like that and i should be able to trust him with our child, but i feel like i cant even take a shower and rely on him for 10 mins for fear he is just going to let her scream her head off if shes hungry or needs changing because she had her chance to eat and now its time to sleep. He accused me of giving her attachment issues already because im always jumping and reacting to her noises. I thought we were on the same page for parenting and for the most part we are...but he doesnt understand that theres no need to let a newborn cry like a 6 month old. We have a doctors apt today at 1pm for her for a weight check and to look at her eye cuz it looks a little gunky...im gonna bring this up to our doctor about reacting to her cries and getting her what she needs. I will point blank ask if we should just let her cry it out bc i k ow what the answer is....and im hoping hearing it from the pediatrician will open his eyes. If it doesnt...its gonna be time for some counseling and for him to find a new job if hes gonna treat our child like a criminal for doing what comes naturally to her
This is such a huge start and a smart way to introduce an independent moderator. I'm so happy to see you taking action and hope the situation improves ASAP!! It can be so hard to approach this. Bravo, lady! Thoughts and prayers for more positive interactions between them.
Dudes are 1000000% in the wrong BUT seeing these women enable them reminds me that what is allowed to happen is what will continue. Stand up for your damn self and for your children. Be the fierce bad bitch you can be. Your husband is mad you're nurturing your child, protect that child. Your husband is pushing you around and thinks your body is his property, respect yourself and know your worth and tell him that shit won't fly
@AOliveira11 good on you being a fierce mama bear. You're doing what's best for your child
My husband is fucking awesome, and has been throughout this pregnancy and honestly, better with the newborn than me. We've been together 22 years and he has never pressured me to have sex, give him a nice old fashioned, or demand a BJ etc. But men like to have sex ladies, they need it on some primal level that women just don't. Deny human nature if you like, but there's a reason I never have to ask my husband for help, he sees what needs doing and does it, and that we're still together after 22 years.
My husband is fucking awesome, and has been throughout this pregnancy and honestly, better with the newborn than me. We've been together 22 years and he has never pressured me to have sex, give him a nice old fashioned, or demand a BJ etc. But men like to have sex ladies, they need it on some primal level that women just don't. Deny human nature if you like, but there's a reason I never have to ask my husband for help, he sees what needs doing and does it, and that we're still together after 22 years.
Men like sex. Women like sex. Some people hate sex. Suggesting than men have a primal NEED for sex? No. That's why rapists think it's okay to rape. Desire, maybe. Need? Absolutely not.
The fact that you're equating your husband being a good husband to the fact that you have sex frequently is just... gah. Maybe he's a good husband because he's a good person? Or is he legitimately only helpful because you guys bang frequently? If that's the case... all of the side eye to him.
My H and I had sex all the way up until the night before I delivered. By your accounts, he should be fucking Mary Poppins but he can't remember to do the damn dishes because they don't bother him. Also because you can not generalize all men/women/whatever.
I'm sorry. If a man can't wait 6 weeks (or more because it's really not his call) for his wife who just GAVE BIRTH to his child to be up for sex, then he sucks and is a pathetic excuse for a husband and a human being
I had a higher sex drive pre pregnancy then my husband, but we maybe had sex one time all of third trimester. I'm almost 5 weeks pp and my follow up appt is in a couple weeks. So we are probably looking at close to 4 months without sex and my husband is antsy for it but he's not a baby about it, he can deal like an adult, and he is still a wonderful husband.
Off topic, but I've missed all you old Regs and your sane advice!
@AOliveira11 I'm so glad you are standing up to your husband and talking to him about it. I hope you are able to work it out and him understand that is not ok to treat your daughter that way.
@AmberLiz99 please tell your husband to "grow a pair" (that's a quote from my husband who is also the father of three). If you're H needs sex that badly introduce him to his hand or tell him to do some situps. Exercise releases the same endorphins as sex so until YOU ate ready for it he can keep happy on his own. I understand wanting to take care of your husband, but you have to take care of you, first. I agree with PP, he is a grown man, he can do things for himself!
Best talk ever with hubby. Brought up what pp said about dd being called a bitch her entire life bc shes a girl and it should not start with her parents. He had not seen it from that perspective and realized his wrongdoing. Now he is calling her poop factory which i'm cracking up at. So many dirty diapers. I am 10 days pp here and ready to have sex...still bleeding lightly which normally wouldnt bother me but bc i had a c-section hubby is suggesting we wait the full 6 weeks so not to hurt me further or rip open anything that should remained closed. I should clarify further that my hubby is a good guy and has been so helpful in the healing process. After speaking to the doctor today and learning more about newborn development, he is definitely realizing why ive been so overprotective. Baby girl is having her first sleepover at grammy's house tonight so we're taking this opportunity to cook dinner together, have a glass or two of wine and watch a movie so we can have some adult time. I think thatll be good for us as well. I think reminding him every so often that his daughter is not someone he needs to treat like hes about to arrest will make a difference. Are there any other service wives/husbands on these boards? Military, police, firefighters, etc? Is anyone else experiencing bringing work home with them to the family?
~* Met Husband: July 26, 2009Said Yes: July 26, 2010Married: September 10, 2011Baby Due: June 17, 2016 *~
It is imperative in professions where you are helping people to have a clear separation of work and home life. If he is struggling with that, I recommend supportive counseling. Your husband sounds like he might be more open to that, especially if he uses it before things become a problem. I'm a therapist myself and I work really hard to leave work at work. But I aso work with a lot of first responders, military, and police to help them so the same. The ones who take a proactive approach often fair much better both at home and on the job.
Having a newborn is stressful for everyone. Glad you are taking the time early on to talk to your husband about your thoughts and feelings, advocate for your daughter, and set the bar high for your expectations as a couple and as a family.
Also, ran this thread by my husband. He said sex is awesome but it isn't breathing. Breathing is necessary for life. Sex is not. If your partner (or you) equate sex with living and breathing, then you need to rework those priorities.
Best talk ever with hubby. Brought up what pp said about dd being called a bitch her entire life bc shes a girl and it should not start with her parents. He had not seen it from that perspective and realized his wrongdoing. Now he is calling her poop factory which i'm cracking up at. So many dirty diapers. I am 10 days pp here and ready to have sex...still bleeding lightly which normally wouldnt bother me but bc i had a c-section hubby is suggesting we wait the full 6 weeks so not to hurt me further or rip open anything that should remained closed. I should clarify further that my hubby is a good guy and has been so helpful in the healing process. After speaking to the doctor today and learning more about newborn development, he is definitely realizing why ive been so overprotective. Baby girl is having her first sleepover at grammy's house tonight so we're taking this opportunity to cook dinner together, have a glass or two of wine and watch a movie so we can have some adult time. I think thatll be good for us as well. I think reminding him every so often that his daughter is not someone he needs to treat like hes about to arrest will make a difference. Are there any other service wives/husbands on these boards? Military, police, firefighters, etc? Is anyone else experiencing bringing work home with them to the family?
My husband is a two time Iraq war vet during high conflict years (2006-2010), a 50 cal gunner for the United States Marine Corps (A/D) and then a firefighter after that. I've never once had any issues with him. Maybe it's different for all personalities but it sounds more like an excuse. I think what you've done is awesome though and I think you're handling everything so well
My husband is fucking awesome, and has been throughout this pregnancy and honestly, better with the newborn than me. We've been together 22 years and he has never pressured me to have sex, give him a nice old fashioned, or demand a BJ etc. But men like to have sex ladies, they need it on some primal level that women just don't. Deny human nature if you like, but there's a reason I never have to ask my husband for help, he sees what needs doing and does it, and that we're still together after 22 years.
Men like sex. Women like sex. Some people hate sex. Suggesting than men have a primal NEED for sex? No. That's why rapists think it's okay to rape. Desire, maybe. Need? Absolutely not.
The fact that you're equating your husband being a good husband to the fact that you have sex frequently is just... gah. Maybe he's a good husband because he's a good person? Or is he legitimately only helpful because you guys bang frequently? If that's the case... all of the side eye to him.
My H and I had sex all the way up until the night before I delivered. By your accounts, he should be fucking Mary Poppins but he can't remember to do the damn dishes because they don't bother him. Also because you can not generalize all men/women/whatever.
I'm sorry. If a man can't wait 6 weeks (or more because it's really not his call) for his wife who just GAVE BIRTH to his child to be up for sex, then he sucks and is a pathetic excuse for a husband and a human being
God, this thread is so frustrating.
WSS
the only thing my husband "needs"' to do is let my vagina and stitches heal since I just birthed his child along with making sure I don't need any help with our house, errands, 3 dogs and 2 year old. A good man "needs" to make sure his family is taken care of first.
I wasn't seriously asking if y'all have been making the sex yet. It was a rhetorical question, as most of us aren't pp enough to really be "cleared" for sex. So yeah, you should wait the full 6-8 weeks especially if you had a c-section.
@AOliveira11 I'm so glad your hubby has seen his error!! I truly hope he continues to be supportive and not use negative phrases. Our daughter is also a poo factory, and has the same nickname
My son has earned the monikers 'shitzooka' and 'poostar' for his ability to projectile poo a laser beam of crap more than 6 feet. He's so precise he could take out a planet...or a wireless router. (Don't ask how I know he has this talent)
Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep
WTAF?? Im sorry your dh acts that way. That is incredibly disturbing to hear. To be honest, I would in no way leave your baby alone with your husband for fear of him shaking her if she's crying, or neglecting her needs. And please do not think you are in the wrong! If your 9 day old newborn helpless infant is crying, always ALWAYS pick her up! Please dont let a baby that young cry it out. Im sure others will suggest counseling or therapy for you and your husband, but if my dh called my baby a cranky bitch and suggested I let baby starve because LO hadnt quite figured out how to eat from a bottle/breast yet....I would kick that mother f*cker out so fast his head would be spinning! your baby is too young to soothe herself when she is upset and crying is her only method of communication.
I had a talk with hubby this morning about his attitude and told him to do his research on new born development...the biggest thing being at this age until about 2-3 months, they are going off instinct and can only communicate with us by cries, coos, grunts and other sounds. Its not until that 2-3 month mark they can figure out how to manipulate us into what they want. I also told him that calling our daughter a cranky bitch is not acceptable and other phrases like fussy or cranky pants/baby/girl/britches/etc would be more acceptable and it makes me sad that he is name calling like that and i should be able to trust him with our child, but i feel like i cant even take a shower and rely on him for 10 mins for fear he is just going to let her scream her head off if shes hungry or needs changing because she had her chance to eat and now its time to sleep. He accused me of giving her attachment issues already because im always jumping and reacting to her noises. I thought we were on the same page for parenting and for the most part we are...but he doesnt understand that theres no need to let a newborn cry like a 6 month old. We have a doctors apt today at 1pm for her for a weight check and to look at her eye cuz it looks a little gunky...im gonna bring this up to our doctor about reacting to her cries and getting her what she needs. I will point blank ask if we should just let her cry it out bc i k ow what the answer is....and im hoping hearing it from the pediatrician will open his eyes. If it doesnt...its gonna be time for some counseling and for him to find a new job if hes gonna treat our child like a criminal for doing what comes naturally to her
No. My son is 3 months old and he does not know how to manipulate me. What he does know is that when he cries, his Mommy responds and is attentive to his needs. A 2-3 month old baby is still very small and has the same needs as a newborn. And crying is still his way of communicating his needs to me. When he coos and babbles, he is happy and content. When he cries, something is wrong and its my job to figure it out. Also newborns arent on schedules. You dont not feed your baby because she was supposed to eat at 3:00 but she was still asleep so now she has to wait till the next feeding time. Im sure you know this, but not your husband. I still think you should not leave your husband alonewith your child, for her safety and well being
Re: Husband feeling neglected?
well, that escalated quickly.
I am a husband of one of the June mom's. I never read or post here but my wife often reads me the interesting threads.
This post stood out to me. It would be one thing if he was calling her an asshole or a dick or something like that. (though still incredibly wrong). But the fact that he is using the term bitch takes it to another level of wrong
That little girl is gong to spend a lifetime of having men use the term "bitch" to hurt her simply for being a girl/ woman. There is a serious problem with the fact that the very first man to ever use that term against her is her father. It's disgusting.
Many of us think it's absurd that you just gave birth to your third child and your husband is being a baby that he can't have sex. It's not your problem to fix- that's his problem.
I also think my husband is not an anomaly. Many of my friend's husbands also take up a lot of the housework and help with the baby. This is not a "men just being men" thing, and it's sad some of you think that's the case.
And for all you women suggesting Amber do anything to "remedy" this situation... shame on you. You don't need to do anything. He needs to get over his damn self.
On depression and addiction, oh girl.. Again with your assumptions. Guess what- first lesson (if you go to a support group for family members of addicts) is to stop enabling them. You are not responsible for their happiness, they have to be responsible for it-that's a necessary part of sobriety. Letting them manipulate you into being the new drug of choice... Not healthy and yup- I'm not afraid to suggest divorce if you describe a clearly unhealthy and nasty relationship to us over the course of 10mths. It exists for a reason.
I thank god every day that I have a marriage of mutual respect and the wisdom (and excellent therapy) that allows me to see the difference between the reality and what your shoveling. It's your marriage, if you like it, enjoy it. But if you open a bajillion threads to complain about it and AW how spechul you are for caring for a $hitstack, I'm gonna say the truth.
@AOliveira11 good on you being a fierce mama bear. You're doing what's best for your child
The fact that you're equating your husband being a good husband to the fact that you have sex frequently is just... gah. Maybe he's a good husband because he's a good person? Or is he legitimately only helpful because you guys bang frequently? If that's the case... all of the side eye to him.
My H and I had sex all the way up until the night before I delivered. By your accounts, he should be fucking Mary Poppins but he can't remember to do the damn dishes because they don't bother him. Also because you can not generalize all men/women/whatever.
I'm sorry. If a man can't wait 6 weeks (or more because it's really not his call) for his wife who just GAVE BIRTH to his child to be up for sex, then he sucks and is a pathetic excuse for a husband and a human being
God, this thread is so frustrating.
I just don't get how excuses are being made... That's like the saying "boys will be boys". Wrong on so many levels.
Off topic, but I've missed all you old Regs and your sane advice!
@AmberLiz99 please tell your husband to "grow a pair" (that's a quote from my husband who is also the father of three). If you're H needs sex that badly introduce him to his hand or tell him to do some situps. Exercise releases the same endorphins as sex so until YOU ate ready for it he can keep happy on his own. I understand wanting to take care of your husband, but you have to take care of you, first. I agree with PP, he is a grown man, he can do things for himself!
Having a newborn is stressful for everyone. Glad you are taking the time early on to talk to your husband about your thoughts and feelings, advocate for your daughter, and set the bar high for your expectations as a couple and as a family.
Also, ran this thread by my husband. He said sex is awesome but it isn't breathing. Breathing is necessary for life. Sex is not. If your partner (or you) equate sex with living and breathing, then you need to rework those priorities.
Also, wth is an "old fashioned"?
the only thing my husband "needs"' to do is let my vagina and stitches heal since I just birthed his child along with making sure I don't need any help with our house, errands, 3 dogs and 2 year old. A good man "needs" to make sure his family is taken care of first.
@AOliveira11 I'm so glad your hubby has seen his error!! I truly hope he continues to be supportive and not use negative phrases. Our daughter is also a poo factory, and has the same nickname