How? I am saying that I intend to work full time and still be a mother. I whole heartedly believe it's possible despite what our friends tell us.
It can be hard to read tone on internet posts and there wasn't really any indication with how you phrased things that you were being ironic. Especially since you emphasized how little time your LO actually be spending with the nanny. I think most if not all of us definitely thought you were being 100% serious.
I'm a work-from-home software engineer and my OH is also a software engineer that is a partner in a company just down the street. We're planning on trying to both work from home and trade off baby duties for a while instead of doing daycare from birth. So in some sense, partial SAHM. I have no idea how well it's going to work out though but it seemed worth a shot
I work with a lot of people who already do this with their family, it's kind of cool. Occasionally, we get babies on our video meetings and it's very squee-worthy, especially now that some of them are getting old enough to say hi to us and wave.
ETA: I like that I posted without clicking over to page 2 and seeing that this thread had turned into a debate haha. Awks.
How? I am saying that I intend to work full time and still be a mother. I whole heartedly believe it's possible despite what our friends tell us.
These are YOUR words:
With that said, we are lucky enough to be able to stagger our schedules to reduce the time we actually need a nanny for. The ideal schedule for us shows us only needing a nanny for seven hours a week. We will still be able to raise our kids. You are implying that because you will only need a nanny for 7 hours a week and your child will be with either you or your DH for the remainder of the time, that you still consider yourselves raising your child. But the truth is that even if your child was with a nanny for 50 hours a week, you're still raising your child. Your post implied the opposite. I can't help that you cannot comprehend your own words.
@ElleMF728 You brought up so many good points! And it's so true about not having to worry about sick days. I've always wondered to myself how working parents handle it when their child is sick and has to stay home. The logistics seem complicated!
Aside from that- I don't think any millennial (or near millennial) is counting on receiving any SS. With the cost of school and the student loans so many are saddled with, it'd be great to stay on topic- SAHMs and not retirement. Financial situations can change drastically at the drop of a hat (oh hello 2008) so you can only do so much planning and still balance your desires for your family.
Retirement IS something to consider, 4-10 years near early in your saving is a LOT of missed interest but not something to feel bad over. Just pay attention to how you spend and how you vote and we'll all survive!
This. And even if you do think SS will still be around, I find it hard to believe that it would be a concern for a family banking $136k a year for retirement? LOL. Like the extra $1k a month when you hit 65 is going to make the difference?
DS: June 2008 Married: July 2015 BFP: 5/20/16 | EDD: 1/28/17 | Twin boys born 1/16/17
@BumpasaurusRex, I know very well what I posted and what I meant for it to be read as. Yes, it is incredibly snarky, but only because perhaps I should have mentioned how people react when they ask us whether we intend to have kids and work.
I am surronded by women (even my MIL) who say I have to quit my job and it just gets very old. I worked very hard to get where I am and like what I do. I also think kids can benefit from seeing their parents work. I will always advocate for women to continue working. Always.
I hope this won't come across as White Knighting here, but I'm seeing on both sides people getting defensive about the choices they've made or are considering that work best for their family. I think that most of us have (and I know that I have) faced people disagreeing with or questioning our choices in "real life", so it's hard to not get defensive when we see or perceive that happening anywhere.
I think pointing out phrasing issues that inadvertently contribute to the intrenched defensive mentality is important, but I think it's equally important to try and assume best intention here, and also to recognize (at least in this context) that the phrasing issues sometimes come about because people have internalized and are responding to the critiques of others. In this case, someone had heard criticisms about their parenting style elsewhere, responded to those criticisms in this thread, where those criticisms hadn't been voiced, and that contributed to the back and forth going on here.
We are going to face a lot of challenging decisions and look for support here. I wonder if this problem might be solved if we had a thread for people who are considering going back to work to discuss their thoughts/feelings/concerns, so it doesn't turn into a back and forth between two equally valid approaches to childrearing?
@sldp123, It is a big deal. Because we are retiring before 50 we can't pull SS or touch our retirement accounts without penalty. What we tuck away now will will live on for the 10 years before we can touch our retirement accounts and the nearly 20 years before we file for SS. When you think about it that way it really isn't that much annually.
And yes, I do think SS will be around in some form. Maybe not the one we see today, but some form.
@BumpasaurusRex, I know very well what I posted and what I meant for it to be read as. Yes, it is incredibly snarky, but only because perhaps I should have mentioned how people react when they ask us whether we intend to have kids and work.
I am surronded by women (even my MIL) who say I have to quit my job and it just gets very old. I worked very hard to get where I am and like what I do. I also think kids can benefit from seeing their parents work. I will always advocate for women to continue working. Always.
You do realize that @BumpasaurusRex is trying to prevent people from judging working moms by using that phrase and that's why she spoke up, since your irony wasn't very clear, right? And that many of the people who've spoken up in defense of working moms in this thread are SAHMs? It sucks that your MIL isn't being supportive of your choices, but I think most people on here recognize that we're all striving to do the best for our families and we all have different ways of going about doing so. You've made some judgmental statements in your posts on here. Don't be surprised when people call you out on them.
I hope this won't come across as White Knighting here, but I'm seeing on both sides people getting defensive about the choices they've made or are considering that work best for their family. I think that most of us have (and I know that I have) faced people disagreeing with or questioning our choices in "real life", so it's hard to not get defensive when we see or perceive that happening anywhere.
I think pointing out phrasing issues that inadvertently contribute to the intrenched defensive mentality is important, but I think it's equally important to try and assume best intention here, and also to recognize (at least in this context) that the phrasing issues sometimes come about because people have internalized and are responding to the critiques of others. In this case, someone had heard criticisms about their parenting style elsewhere, responded to those criticisms in this thread, where those criticisms hadn't been voiced, and that contributed to the back and forth going on here.
We are going to face a lot of challenging decisions and look for support here. I wonder if this problem might be solved if we had a thread for people who are considering going back to work to discuss their thoughts/feelings/concerns, so it doesn't turn into a back and forth between two equally valid approaches to childrearing?
You have valid points and I agree with that you are saying.
However, in an online forum where we can only go by the information a person is willing to share, I don't believe it's completely unreasonable to formulate a reaction based off a post without further clarification.
Based off what Sunset originally posted, it was insulting. Now that she clarified that she said it out of frustration to people in her life who question her choices, that provides a little bit of clarity. But I do believe that each person who posts anything needs to take on the responsibility to know their audience and to phrase their posts knowing that, without further information, people are going to draw their own conclusions.
I guess I am a little rubbed the wrong way by people telling me that they save more than my combined household income in a year. I understand that not everyone can be wealthy but we work hard and save probably 5% of our earnings towards retirement, and we still can't afford for one of us to be home. And then here someone is talking about how they can't stay home bc they won't be able to work forever so they need to save 136k a year. Yeah, that kinda rubs me wrong.
@BumpasaurusRex Yep, and I think it's really important to point out when things are said that contribute to these kind of dynamics (even inadvertently). I'd just seen the clarification be provided and the disagreement continue, which I think is taking away from the point of the post.
I really appreciated the point that you made about SAHM moms in this thread defending working moms' choices, and that's a really refreshing thing to come out of this post. I love that mutually supportive attitude and hope it continues.
I wanted to be a SAHM for my daughter so after my 1 year maternity leave I decided to open my home to a couple other kids and I did daycare. It was very hard but was definitely worth it for me to stay home. I ran my daycare for 1.5 yrs and when my kids left for various reasons (starting school etc.) I decided to go back to work so that we could start trying for baby #2 and I can get maternity leave again. We had to do IVF to have our daughter due to MFI so we didn't think it would happen naturally this time and definitely not after 3 months like it did.
My current job has offered me to come back 9-3 so I won't have to put my older daughter in daycare as she will be in school between those hours. Then we will only have to pay for 1 in daycare.
I am a stay at home mom to a toddler with special needs. I believe it helped his development and security for me to stay home. I would never have it any other way. We planned for me to stay home years ago and having a kid with special needs just confirmed that's what was best for our family.
@katesmama0706 right?! Me too! And our alarm clocks don't have snooze buttons. They're very persistent and loud. And they can poke your face. No ignoring that.
I can't be a stay at home mom because I'm the bread winner and I need to pay off my MBA so I have to work but I don't mind because I work from home so I'll still feel like a SAHM I appreciate my job so much and am so thankful to be able to work full time and still see my baby but I already know I won't be taking care of him/her 24/7. I'm going to need my mom's help so I can be hands free and get some work done and attend meetings. She doesn't work and has been wanting a grand kid since DH and I got married (7 years ago!) so I think she'll enjoy raising our baby with us.
I would love to stay home but financially it's not possible. I live in one of the most expensive cities in Canada so we need two incomes. Plus, I make more than my husband.
I would love to stay home but financially it's not possible. I live in one of the most expensive cities in Canada so we need two incomes. Plus, I make more than my husband.
I'm so sorry you're not able to do it if that's what you'd prefer to be doing Canada has a pretty long maternity leave, though, right? So at least that's something!
I'm going to give it a try. Financially it will be tough, but there aren't really many options for my area of work where I live right now anyway. I'm more worried about the isolation and loneliness - if it turns out it's better for my mental health to work atleast part time then we will cross that bridge when we get to it. As much as I really want to stay home so baby can see at least 1 parent regularly (as a resident my husband works awful hours) Being a SAHM isn't going to do my child any favors if I am so depressed I can't function.
@ceclarlinetlo as others have mentioned, I think it is SO important to join a mommy group or go to the library for story time and meet other moms! Good luck as you give it a try!
@Renee1105 YES!!! Mad respect for SAHM's. I can say I've never wanted to be one and even after having my first I still don't want to be one. Of course, it could have something to do with my hubby being a teacher too so summertime means I have a 3.5 year old and a 32 year old kid to deal with. LOL
I'll be in school full time again after baby comes (the following semester, barring any unforseen issues), but DH and I are blessed with a lot of family help with childcare, so I'm thinking that should go pretty well. Unless the grandmothers start battling, then we'll have to reassess our options.
I'll be in school full time again after baby comes (the following semester, barring any unforseen issues), but DH and I are blessed with a lot of family help with childcare, so I'm thinking that should go pretty well. Unless the grandmothers start battling, then we'll have to reassess our options.
I totally understand this statement. Lol My MIL is all about "equal" time, and she almost drove me crazy making sure my mom didn't have more time with the baby than her. It took me almost 2 years to convince my husband that we had to start daycare and cut the moms out of the picture before I went crazy.
I'll be in school full time again after baby comes (the following semester, barring any unforseen issues), but DH and I are blessed with a lot of family help with childcare, so I'm thinking that should go pretty well. Unless the grandmothers start battling, then we'll have to reassess our options.
I totally understand this statement. Lol My MIL is all about "equal" time, and she almost drove me crazy making sure my mom didn't have more time with the baby than her. It took me almost 2 years to convince my husband that we had to start daycare and cut the moms out of the picture before I went crazy.
I'll be in school full time again after baby comes (the following semester, barring any unforseen issues), but DH and I are blessed with a lot of family help with childcare, so I'm thinking that should go pretty well. Unless the grandmothers start battling, then we'll have to reassess our options.
I totally understand this statement. Lol My MIL is all about "equal" time, and she almost drove me crazy making sure my mom didn't have more time with the baby than her. It took me almost 2 years to convince my husband that we had to start daycare and cut the moms out of the picture before I went crazy.
Ugh, yes. My MIL isn't always bad, but she likes to make every situation about her and how it effects her. It's annoying. Also, I'm not nearly as close with her as I am with my mom and she can be very manipulative. On the other hand, my mom has some boundary issues, so I'm probably going to have my hands full after baby arrives.
I would love to but reality is i need to work. My husband makes good money as an engineer,enough we could make it with one income. But with the way the economy is i need to work. We won't see SS when we retire so we need to build up a good retirement. I have good health insurance and 401k (as does my husband) but if we both contribute to our 401k we should have no worries. We also want to be able to afford putting money away for college for our kids. I dont want my kids going into so much debt they cannot live their life they worked so hard for (some is good. Teaches financial responsibility)Basically we could make life work and pay the bills with one income but there would not be extra for our kids college funds, travel, retirement, savings etc. Luckily i work a job where 3 days a week is full time. We already found daycare for a reasonable price.
I would love to stay home but financially it's not possible. I live in one of the most expensive cities in Canada so we need two incomes. Plus, I make more than my husband.
I'm so sorry you're not able to do it if that's what you'd prefer to be doing Canada has a pretty long maternity leave, though, right? So at least that's something!
Yes, I do get a year off (if we can afford for me to have less than half an income for the whole time), so I'm very thankful for that. And I usually only work 4 days a week. Overall it's not a terrible situation, I'm just jealous of people who can make it work.
Honestly, I'm not sure I could handle being home full time with the kiddo's. I have a DD now who will start school full time this year and I was only able to stay home with her part time until she was 2. Then she went to daycare full time while I had to return to work full time. I currently work full time but I am hoping to cut back to working part time when the baby comes. We'll see if that will be possible.... Here's hoping! Working part time was the perfect balance for me with my DD.
I would love to stay home but financially it's not possible. I live in one of the most expensive cities in Canada so we need two incomes. Plus, I make more than my husband.
I'm so sorry you're not able to do it if that's what you'd prefer to be doing Canada has a pretty long maternity leave, though, right? So at least that's something!
Yes, I do get a year off (if we can afford for me to have less than half an income for the whole time), so I'm very thankful for that. And I usually only work 4 days a week. Overall it's not a terrible situation, I'm just jealous of people who can make it work.
Ooh, didn't know it wouldn't be a fully paid leave. When they talk about Canadian maternity leave here in the US,they emphasize "Canadians get a full year off!", not "Canadians get a full year off but not at full pay. " I hope you're able to take the full year at least!
Yes, we decided me being a SAHM was what was best for our family. My fiance travels for his job and is out of the state 4 days a week and there will be times he could be out of the country for at least 2 weeks at a time. (There are some times when he gets to work from home too so those are nice!) It was our preference for me to stay home with the children but I have such great respect for women who are working mommies too.
For those who are concerned about getting lonely, isolated, depressed: I can't say this enough! Go places, join groups, go to story times at the library, something. Otherwise, yes, you will feel very isolated and depressed. It sounds silly to me now, but I never even took loneliness into consideration when I started as a SAHM. It never occurred to me. I think perhaps because I am such an introvert in the first place, that I actually thrive being alone and find socialization to be incredibly exhausting. So it was surprising to me when the isolation set in. But getting out there and just being around other people completely cured that.
I'll be in school full time again after baby comes (the following semester, barring any unforseen issues), but DH and I are blessed with a lot of family help with childcare, so I'm thinking that should go pretty well. Unless the grandmothers start battling, then we'll have to reassess our options.
I totally understand this statement. Lol My MIL is all about "equal" time, and she almost drove me crazy making sure my mom didn't have more time with the baby than her. It took me almost 2 years to convince my husband that we had to start daycare and cut the moms out of the picture before I went crazy.
Ugh, yes. My MIL isn't always bad, but she likes to make every situation about her and how it effects her. It's annoying. Also, I'm not nearly as close with her as I am with my mom and she can be very manipulative. On the other hand, my mom has some boundary issues, so I'm probably going to have my hands full after baby arrives.
Good luck. Be strong, and do what's right for baby, you and your family. I didn't realize how many boundaries I'd be forced to set before baby got here. I know everything is out of love for the little one, which is a wonderful thing, but you have to protect your family unit.
Planning to be a SAHM. My dad, like my hubby, was in the army and it really helped that my mom was home and so involved when we were kids. While I missed my dad when he was gone, I always felt supported and my mom never missed a thing in my life so it filled some of that gap when he couldn't be there for milestones or school events. So long as finances permit, I hope to do the same for our children. I am a school teacher, so I am planning to create some online resources to sell to other teachers on a site called Teacherspayteachers.com for some supplemental income.
So I have a somewhat unique situation. I am the breadwinner of our family, and we've decided that my husband is going to be a SAHD. He's about to apply to a master's program in counseling using the tuition benefit that I get from my job, so it won't cost us any additional money (other than books) for him to go to school part-time as well. I get 3 months maternity leave, and luckily for us, my office is a 5 minute drive/10 minute bike ride from our home so it's easy for me to meet up for lunch (or breast-feeding!).
Anyone else have a SAHD situation? I've been telling him how important it will be for him to join groups and classes and stuff to make sure that he is busy, social and happy, but I would love to hear if any of you have run into or heard of some good daddy/baby programs that we might be able to find in the CO area.
Hopefully by the time baby #2 comes around, he'll have settled into a career in counseling and I'll be able to stay at home with the little ones. Compromise.
@asnowsurfer that was a conversation my H and I had (he owns his own boutique production company- he could do random freelance as needed and otherwise stay home with the baby) but with 2 he's too nervous and not interested. He's actually looking to hire in at a different agency and dissolve his company so there's less stress/ time commitment now, but still a nice income to help him remember that 2 will not bankrupt us lol!
So I have a somewhat unique situation. I am the breadwinner of our family, and we've decided that my husband is going to be a SAHD. He's about to apply to a master's program in counseling using the tuition benefit that I get from my job, so it won't cost us any additional money (other than books) for him to go to school part-time as well. I get 3 months maternity leave, and luckily for us, my office is a 5 minute drive/10 minute bike ride from our home so it's easy for me to meet up for lunch (or breast-feeding!).
Anyone else have a SAHD situation? I've been telling him how important it will be for him to join groups and classes and stuff to make sure that he is busy, social and happy, but I would love to hear if any of you have run into or heard of some good daddy/baby programs that we might be able to find in the CO area.
Hopefully by the time baby #2 comes around, he'll have settled into a career in counseling and I'll be able to stay at home with the little ones. Compromise.
That is so awesome! My husband always jokes that he missed his calling as a SAHD, which is totally true but accountants make WAY more than children's librarians soooo... sorry dude. My uncle sort of was one, though; he is a pharmacist at a hospital so he arranged his schedule so that he was only on nights while the kids were little and my aunt, who's a teacher, would work during the day. As an adult and a parent I now think this arrangement sounds exhausting but it worked really well for them and I know he loved his time with my cousins!
@TinaBelcher I think my H would also be too overwhelmed to do it if we had twins on the way! He will probably find a way to do part-time work once we get into the swing of things to bring in a little added income, but I think we should be able to make things work even if taking care of the LO and school takes up all his time. That's great that your H is thinking of ways to make his job a little less stressful and overwhelming. Every bit will help, I'm sure!
@karaelaine1991 One of my close girlfriends also grew up with a SAHD and absolutely loved it. H said most of the program's classes are in the late afternoon/evening so we can kind of tag team the LO. Having opposite schedules though seems like it would be so tough! I applaud your uncle and aunt for making it work!
Re: Anyone considering being a SAHM?
I work with a lot of people who already do this with their family, it's kind of cool. Occasionally, we get babies on our video meetings and it's very squee-worthy, especially now that some of them are getting old enough to say hi to us and wave.
ETA: I like that I posted without clicking over to page 2 and seeing that this thread had turned into a debate haha. Awks.
With that said, we are lucky enough to be able to stagger our schedules to reduce the time we actually need a nanny for. The ideal schedule for us shows us only needing a nanny for seven hours a week. We will still be able to raise our kids.
You are implying that because you will only need a nanny for 7 hours a week and your child will be with either you or your DH for the remainder of the time, that you still consider yourselves raising your child. But the truth is that even if your child was with a nanny for 50 hours a week, you're still raising your child. Your post implied the opposite. I can't help that you cannot comprehend your own words.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
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Married: July 2015
BFP: 5/20/16 | EDD: 1/28/17 | Twin boys born 1/16/17
I am surronded by women (even my MIL) who say I have to quit my job and it just gets very old. I worked very hard to get where I am and like what I do. I also think kids can benefit from seeing their parents work. I will always advocate for women to continue working. Always.
I think pointing out phrasing issues that inadvertently contribute to the intrenched defensive mentality is important, but I think it's equally important to try and assume best intention here, and also to recognize (at least in this context) that the phrasing issues sometimes come about because people have internalized and are responding to the critiques of others. In this case, someone had heard criticisms about their parenting style elsewhere, responded to those criticisms in this thread, where those criticisms hadn't been voiced, and that contributed to the back and forth going on here.
We are going to face a lot of challenging decisions and look for support here. I wonder if this problem might be solved if we had a thread for people who are considering going back to work to discuss their thoughts/feelings/concerns, so it doesn't turn into a back and forth between two equally valid approaches to childrearing?
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And yes, I do think SS will be around in some form. Maybe not the one we see today, but some form.
However, in an online forum where we can only go by the information a person is willing to share, I don't believe it's completely unreasonable to formulate a reaction based off a post without further clarification.
Based off what Sunset originally posted, it was insulting. Now that she clarified that she said it out of frustration to people in her life who question her choices, that provides a little bit of clarity. But I do believe that each person who posts anything needs to take on the responsibility to know their audience and to phrase their posts knowing that, without further information, people are going to draw their own conclusions.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
I really appreciated the point that you made about SAHM moms in this thread defending working moms' choices, and that's a really refreshing thing to come out of this post. I love that mutually supportive attitude and hope it continues.
My current job has offered me to come back 9-3 so I won't have to put my older daughter in daycare as she will be in school between those hours. Then we will only have to pay for 1 in daycare.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
This makes me laugh now.
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In fact I get up earlier with my DD than I ever did to get up and go to work!
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BFP1 12/24/14 - EDD 09/07/15 (D/C 8w1d)
BFP2 6/12/15 - EDD 2/22/16 (D/C 10w3d)
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Diagnoses and Treatments
PCOS (myo-inositol, excercize)
Indeterminant levels of APS IgM antibodies (baby aspirin)
Sub-septate uterus (hysteroscopic septoplasty 12/18/15)
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BFP3 05/02/16 EDD 01/09/17 DS born 01/05/17
BFP4 01/28/19 EDD 10/?/19 🤞🙏
Due 1/21/17
I currently work full time but I am hoping to cut back to working part time when the baby comes. We'll see if that will be possible.... Here's hoping! Working part time was the perfect balance for me with my DD.
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Anyone else have a SAHD situation? I've been telling him how important it will be for him to join groups and classes and stuff to make sure that he is busy, social and happy, but I would love to hear if any of you have run into or heard of some good daddy/baby programs that we might be able to find in the CO area.
Hopefully by the time baby #2 comes around, he'll have settled into a career in counseling and I'll be able to stay at home with the little ones. Compromise.
@karaelaine1991 One of my close girlfriends also grew up with a SAHD and absolutely loved it. H said most of the program's classes are in the late afternoon/evening so we can kind of tag team the LO. Having opposite schedules though seems like it would be so tough! I applaud your uncle and aunt for making it work!