Anyone considering being a SAHM?

Knottie25816533 · July 2016

FTM here and seriously considering becoming a SAHM. Anyone else??? Pros? Cons?

BAJDesigns · July 2016

We keep tossing around the idea, but honestly it's out of my control right now. I work part time, so paying for childcare would eat through basically my whole income, so it makes sense to stay home. But my dad has been talking about retiring to be a "stay at home grandpa", in which case free childcare and a second income make wayyy more sense! Interested to hear how others weigh it out.

sldp123 · July 2016

We are considering it, but not sure if we can quite make it work. More likely, I will look to cut back to part-time, or work evenings if I can find something that is worth it.

mommywesley · July 2016

I wanted to be a SAHM but we couldn't manage it until DS4 it's been wonderful being home! Though a lot harder than I thought :-)

Vivi20 · July 2016

I'm a SAHM to our daughter, and will continue to be one after this baby comes. We will also be homeschooling, so there are no plans for me to ever return to work outside the home at this point. When I got pregnant with our daughter, my husband and I both agreed from the start that I'd stay home with the children - there wasn't really any deciding or discussing - we're both very much for me being with them. And it was obviously more imperative considering the fact we'll be homeschooling.

karaelaine1991 · July 2016

I am one, and I intend to continue to be one until all present and future kiddos are in school full day, so for at least the next 6 years, but probably more. It is definitely harder than I thought it would be, mainly because I live further away from my family than I'd always pictured so I struggle with isolation and loneliness. It can be tough spending 9+hours a day alone with someone who can't talk yet. But it's so worth it! I am by far the most constant presence in DD's life (not that DH isn't around but he does have a very demanding job) and the bond that we have is so strong. I have joined a few mommy and me groups, which really helps with feeling lonely. I will also say that me not working has meant some tough financial sacrifices but we've been a single income family since we got married since I was in grad school and then DD was born 8 weeks before I graduated so we're accustomed to always having what we need but sometimes making do without what we want. all in all, it's worth it!

aels12 · July 2016

I would love to be one, we are trying to figure out if it's possible. My husband is currently looking for a new job so it depends on where he ends up and how much of a raise he would end up getting, so we will see! hopefully we can figure it out soon.

Vivi20 · July 2016

@karaelaine1991 I agree. Before I was one, I very naively believed being a SAHM had to be the easiest job ever. Ha! I am so much more exhausted and busy than I ever was when I was working two jobs and going to school full time. This is literally a 24/7 job. Which is why I am in awe of mothers who do work outside the home, because I honestly do not know how they do it. But it is so, so, so worth it. I totally appreciate and understand that every woman/family has different needs and desires, so in no way am I criticizing those who choose to work, but as for myself, I cannot imagine being away from my daughter all day. Just thinking about it totally guts me. And this is such a short season in life in the grand scheme of things, so I'm incredibly grateful that I'm able to be there for it and witness it all. I had the same issues with loneliness and isolation, but I forced myself out there (not easy, being the true introvert that I am), but I joined a homeschool co-op and am very active at church; nearly every day we have activities or groups, so that has cured that problem. And there are for sure financial sacrifices; I don't have the extra money to buy new clothes often or get my nails done regularly or own expensive cars. But all our needs are met and there is some left for fun, special things. It's just about budgeting and being smart about things. So yes, totally worth it!

karaelaine1991 · July 2016

@jlea05 haha totally with you on thinking it would be easier! I thought I would have all this spare time for reading and crafts. Lol, I think I've maybe read one book on the last month. It's a rough fact of life for this former librarian!

Vivi20 · July 2016

@karaelaine1991 yes on the reading! I have STACKS of books that I'm waiting to be able to get to!

Renee1105 · July 2016

I'm a teacher so I'm a summertime SAHM. It is the hardest job ever. I run back to work in September.

katesmama0706 · July 2016

I've been a SAHM since getting pregnant with our DD. I plan on staying home until our kids are grown. It's definitely a hard job and tiring and it definitely takes a sacrifice to give up the extra money I would be bringing in but I love being home with my kids.

susykat77 · July 2016

FTM here but planning to be A SAHM. When DH and I were getting serious, I told him that one on my non-negotiables was being a SAHM. We are going to be so poor with only one income but I want to stay home with my child and he agrees that it is important. It is possible that I might find a very part time job after a year or so, just for my sanity!

vssbrm · July 2016

I've been a SAHM since we started IVF. It's been a HUGE adjustment, I won't be fully adjusted for a long time. I loved, LOVED, working and had a career that took 6 years of higher Ed and was mostly rewarding but extremely stressful. We would not be a happy family if both DH and I kept our careers. I will go back once the kiddos are in full time school. In the meantime, I may go back for an additional masters degree!

ThePax89 · July 2016

I'm a SAHM. I love it. For breastfeeding moms, it is especially helpful to stay home if possible, pumping is hard. I have a great group of mom friends and we do 1-2 meet ups/week. I also try and attend 2+ classes at libraries/paid classes every week. Structure is key. Socialization is key. A huge pro is that my daughter has only been sick a few times in her life, and only very sick once. The con is never getting a mental break. The extra income isn't a big deal, because my entire income would go to childcare anyway.

TinaBelcher · July 2016

I can't, I'm the bread winner (plus I have ownership stake at my company as the owners are looking to retire in 5-10 years) but I'll be taking a long maternity leave (for the US), cutting my hours drastically and working from home quite a bit once the babies are here

cw_ · July 2016

Hubby and I were talking about this as well. I currently babysit 3 kids, but when August rolls around, their parents won't need me anymore. I took into account that whenever I have no more kids to babysit, nobody will hire me at 5-6 months pregnant even though that's not the reason they will tell me. Hubby says I can be a SAHM if I'd like, but I'm not sure what I'd do with myself. (I do online college courses so it's probably best)

Vivi20 · July 2016

@ThePax89 Yes! I truly believe that one of the reasons why I was so successfully able to breastfeed for 21 months is that I was at home. If you pump, you have to do it frequently, and while I know it's possible to do that while working, I imagine it would be extremely difficult, if not even a little impossible depending on one's job. And same thing with illnesses! My daughter has been sick twice and she'll be 3 in a matter of days. She's around other children several times per week, so it's not like I'm keeping her in a bubble.

LastMango · July 2016

I can't. Having 2 in daycare will eat up most of my paycheck but I have the better insurance that me and the kiddos will be on. I also don't want a gap in my resume when I return to the workforce. Although I know it's for a legit reason, I'm in a position where I look at resumes all day and gaps in employment are generally frowned upon. Plus, I need adult time for my sanity. A SAHM seems like an easy job but after a weekend with my toddler, I'm ready to go back to work on Monday!

poetryandoceans · July 2016

I'm at a pretty critical time in my career. I really wish teaching didn't frown on resume gaps so much. You'd think that taking a few years off to be with my own kids instead of other people's wouldn't be so looked down on, but it is, at least around here, where jobs are scarce and tons of people are vying for every spot. A friend of mine is due around the same time, so we are going to share an in-home nanny when the new school year starts, which will hopefully offset some of the costs...

nolemomma14 · July 2016

I'm a WAHM, with the occasional work out of the house. It's somewhat the best of both worlds because I'm home 95% of the time, but am still able to contribute financially, which was key for us. We wouldn't be able to survive on just DHs income. I work in real estate, and also very part time with my dad's catering company. I love staying home with DS and I can't say how much I agree with the other ladies about finding some sort of moms group. I didn't for the first 6 months and it was the loneliest time and I struggled. I now have a great group that we take field trips with and see on a weekly basis.

adorebella · July 2016

SAH full time is not for me. I work part time to have a balance, extra income, and to use the degree I worked incredibly hard to get (and sunk 100k into, lol). It would also be very detrimental to my career to stop working for several years. With that said though, I don't think I'll ever return to work full time again. It's nice to be able to get all the chores/cleaning/errands done during the week and get to spend time together on the weekends. I'm also lucky in that childcare is done by the grandparents. I do give them something for it (monthly gym membership, weekly flowers) but it's nowhere near the cost of daycare.

SunsetSky · July 2016

We have joked about it, but there is more to us to think about than saving money on a nanny. We make plenty of money to do it and basically live on one salary and save the other, but there is a lot to lose down the line.

We both have pensions and would likely have a hard time getting back into our field since the hiring process sucks. The amount we are going to pay for a nanny will easily be made up from my pension within the first couple of years. Giving up my pension would cost us a lot of money. I will be retiring in my late 40s, so the pension will cover many years.

Another thing a lot of people don't think about it social security. If you are not paying in you won't get anything out of it. While people say they can get by with one income now they need to think about how they will get by with no income and one social security payout.

stumptownmama · July 2016

I have taught part time since my daughter was born - two or three times a week. This summer will be my last term and then I'm taking a break for a few years and I will be a SAHM. It has been really hard for me to balance grading and prepping at home and taking care of my daughter. And just felt my heart wasn't in it anymore. I do plan to return at some capacity in the future because I love what I do, but this is the season for me to be with my babies. It will be hard for us financially- especially if my DH gets accepted into a specialist residency program for dentistry that begins next summer. We may have to move across the country far from family. Then we will have no income, have to take out more loans and be really isolated.

mommywesley · July 2016

Social security is not meant to support you, but be an added income to your retirement. Our plan is to continue saving for our retirement in our Roth IRAS and DH 401k etc. Plus by the time we retire SS will be gone...right? Lololol haven't they been saying that forever :-)

Anyway, I don't think SS worries should keep a mom from SAHM if they want to.

SunsetSky · July 2016

@mommywesley, We max our retirement options and invest on the side too, but we can never be too prepared for retirement. We don't know what the future holds and every little bit helps. We want to travel the world and for that we need money.

To me that is a con that a lot of people don't even consider. For a family working basic jobs in the private sector it could be a very big deal.

mommywesley · July 2016

It's surprising how few people think of retirement at all. Until they are 50. I worked with a financial advisor and saw it all the time, it's sad people don't think of it when they are young.

It's awesome you guys are so mindful of your future and planning accordingly. As much as we'd love to travel when we retire it was something we decided could be let go of if needed so I could be home with our kids.

karaelaine1991 · July 2016

SunsetSky said:

We have joked about it, but there is more to us to think about than saving money on a nanny. We make plenty of money to do it and basically live on one salary and save the other, but there is a lot to lose down the line.

We both have pensions and would likely have a hard time getting back into our field since the hiring process sucks. The amount we are going to pay for a nanny will easily be made up from my pension within the first couple of years. Giving up my pension would cost us a lot of money. I will be retiring in my late 40s, so the pension will cover many years.

Another thing a lot of people don't think about it social security. If you are not paying in you won't get anything out of it. While people say they can get by with one income now they need to think about how they will get by with no income and one social security payout.

For my entire life I've been told I will never see a cent of my SS. DH and I live under the assumption that we won't have SS during our retirement and have invested (and continue to do so) accordingly. Obviously everyone's situation is different, but SS has had no impact on our decision for me to be a SAHM. I'm more than likely looking at a later retirement, but to me, it's worth it. Also, if I were working right now, I'd be a children's librarian in a public library... love that field dearly, but the benefits and pension plan are generally nonexistent or at the very best, not enticing enough to work if DH and I both value the benefits to our children of me staying at home.

SunsetSky · July 2016

It's sad to me. I work with plenty of men who make very good money and their wives do not work. The men complain about being broke all the time and do not contribute towards their retirement plan because they need every dime of their paycheck. We don't have the option to stick around if we want... we get forced into retirement very young. Straight up forced - cannot work beyond this date forced. The thinner people stretch themselves the more likely they are to be unable to unwilling to save.

My DH and I are going to be okay, but only because we do what we do. 18k each to our retirement plans, plus we tuck away over 100k a year into investmests. I see how this adds up at my age and I know we are set to live out our dreams. Many of our friends will not be so lucky.

With that said, we are lucky enough to be able to stagger our schedules to reduce the time we actually need a nanny for. The ideal schedule for us shows us only needing a nanny for seven hours a week. We will still be able to raise our kids.

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

SunsetSky said:

It's sad to me. I work with plenty of men who make very good money and their wives do not work. The men complain about being broke all the time and do not contribute towards their retirement plan because they need every dime of their paycheck. We don't have the option to stick around if we want... we get forced into retirement very young. Straight up forced - cannot work beyond this date forced. The thinner people stretch themselves the more likely they are to be unable to unwilling to save.

My DH and I are going to be okay, but only because we do what we do. 18k each to our retirement plans, plus we tuck away over 100k a year into investmests. I see how this adds up at my age and I know we are set to live out our dreams. Many of our friends will not be so lucky.

With that said, we are lucky enough to be able to stagger our schedules to reduce the time we actually need a nanny for. The ideal schedule for us shows us only needing a nanny for seven hours a week. We will still be able to raise our kids.

**Lurking from Feb17**

SAHM or Working Mom, both are raising their kids.

The bolded really rubs me the wrong way. Be mindful of your words.

Vivi20 · July 2016

Yeah, we're planning accordingly for our retirement as well. We're not concerned about that. While of course we would have a lot more money if I worked, and would be able to travel, etc...my husband and I decided that for our family, we value my being at home more. Just our personal preference. And it's just more in line with our beliefs and future plans, too.

karaelaine1991 · July 2016

SunsetSky said:

It's sad to me. I work with plenty of men who make very good money and their wives do not work. The men complain about being broke all the time and do not contribute towards their retirement plan because they need every dime of their paycheck. We don't have the option to stick around if we want... we get forced into retirement very young. Straight up forced - cannot work beyond this date forced. The thinner people stretch themselves the more likely they are to be unable to unwilling to save.

My DH and I are going to be okay, but only because we do what we do. 18k each to our retirement plans, plus we tuck away over 100k a year into investmests. I see how this adds up at my age and I know we are set to live out our dreams. Many of our friends will not be so lucky.

With that said, we are lucky enough to be able to stagger our schedules to reduce the time we actually need a nanny for. The ideal schedule for us shows us only needing a nanny for seven hours a week. We will still be able to raise our kids.

It sounds like your company doesn't value its employees as much as it should if it's forcing them into retirement. You're right; that's very sad that your coworkers are working so hard to provide for their families but are still struggling to get by. That's good that you and your husband have worked out a way to make things work that's best for your family. It's awesome that you're only going to have a nanny 7 hours a week! But you and your husband sound like you take everything into consideration when you make major life decisions and I'm sure that even if you were using the nanny 40+ hours a week, you'd still both be great parents and very much involved in your child's life

I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but even as a SAHM, I agree with @BumpasaurusRex that your phrasing of "still being able to raise your kids" rubs me the wrong way.

SunsetSky · July 2016

The raising our kids comment is what people throw in our faces for not deciding to stay home. And it obviously bothers me a lot too.

TinaBelcher · July 2016

@SunsetSky it'd be a really good idea to delete the financial specifics from your last post.

That's way too much info but also sort of obnoxious. No one else cares what you're saving, this is a baby board, not financial.

mommywesley · July 2016

No one on here ever suggested working mom's weren't raising their kids. Multiple mom's have said they need to work for an abundance of reasons.

I'm sorry this whole discussion escalated, but I was just pointing out that SS wasn't a big deciding factor for SAHM for most due to it not even being a guarantee for us.

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

SunsetSky said:

The raising our kids comment is what people throw in our faces for not deciding to stay home. And it obviously bothers me a lot too.

I mean, from the context of your last paragraph, it doesn't appear that's the case.

TinaBelcher · July 2016

Aside from that- I don't think any millennial (or near millennial) is counting on receiving any SS. With the cost of school and the student loans so many are saddled with, it'd be great to stay on topic- SAHMs and not retirement. Financial situations can change drastically at the drop of a hat (oh hello 2008) so you can only do so much planning and still balance your desires for your family.

Retirement IS something to consider, 4-10 years near early in your saving is a LOT of missed interest but not something to feel bad over. Just pay attention to how you spend and how you vote and we'll all survive!

SunsetSky · July 2016

How? I am saying that I intend to work full time and still be a mother. I whole heartedly believe it's possible despite what our friends tell us.

JennaLee1486 · July 2016

I'm a stay at home mom. My son is almost a year old. I'm amazed at how hard it can be to not have a job. I truly pictured something way different from reality. I love that I'm here with my son and that I am raising him the way I want. The rewards are huge. As far as struggles, the biggest is loneliness. There are days at a time where I don't see anyone but my son and husband. It can be very isolating. We joined swim lessons and a mops group. My advice is find things to join and places you "have to" be. I also struggle with having no money. My husband and I have separate accounts because things just work best that way. He will give me money if I tell him I need it, but I hate asking. It makes me feel like a child. My mom watches my son a few hours a week also, and this keeps me sane. Everyone needs a little time off!

Vivi20 · July 2016

I'm a SAHM, but I DESPISE the idea that working moms (or dads) don't raise their own children. I mean, like, immediate rage. Pregnancy hormones don't help, either, hahaha! I realize I'm incredibly blessed to have a husband who supports us and that if it weren't for him, I'd have to be working, too. And it KILLS me to think that people would have this idea that I wasn't raising my own child.
And I second what @TinaBelcher said. It's very tacky and bad manners to share that sort of information.

ElleMF728 · July 2016

I've stayed home since I had my oldest 3 years ago. It has some really great parts and some really crummy parts. The isolation is really tough, as is the constant nature of the job. It can be really tough to stay patient when you have to be patient 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I also do all the night time stuff after DH's paternity leave ends which can be draining since neither of my kids has STTN until 10 months. We have a system that works for us but overnight is generally my job. The thing I miss the most is my commute honestly, it was such a great quiet time to unwind. I don't have anything like that now.

There are some really great things as PP mentioned. Another thing that I don't think was touched on as much was what a benefit my staying at home is to DH and his career. If I didn't stay home there would be no way that we would be able to stay well adjusted and happy with the hours that he works. He has the availability to take advantage of certain lucrative opportunities that he otherwise may not have been able to because he knows that I can pick up the slack at home. When he gets home we really do get to spend time together, I can get the errands done during the week and we have the entire weekend to do fun things with our kids. Scheduling and dealing with doctor's appointments is much easier as well, sick days aren't a thing so we never need to worry about who will take off work etc.

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