Having a moral dilemma with wanting to get pregnant. My husband and I recently got married (less than a year now) but we've been together for 8 years now. He's always said he doesn't "care" to have kids, but would always say too "when or if we have kids....". He's also known that I am dead set on having them and recently asked me why it was such a big deal to me and told me that we will have them eventually just doesn't feel the rush. He is 34 and I am 32. I can't really say that I want them RIGHT NOW but deep down inside wouldn't mind if I got pregnant any time now. He's not being very clear on the "eventually" part either. I really don't want to wait another 2-3 years.
My dilemma - I stopped BC about 6 months ago and haven't told him. I kinda think he knows since he never sees me take them anymore, but thats just an assumption, and we've never talked about it. Before you get judgy about me not telling him...YET, I have to say why. The main reason is because we rarely have sex, I mean maybe once a month if I'm lucky. He's "working" on that issue. So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing. Another reason is because I found out I have CIN3 cells and recently had to have the LEEP which means my cervix is not in the best working condition and the likelihood of conceiving right now I don't think is very high. Another reason why I haven't told him is because he told someone in front of me that if we have kids I'm going to have to get him drunk and make it happen because he doesn't really want to know. It was a joke, but knowing our situation, its stayed in my mind, that that is probably going to be the way it happens. I don't think he'll ever "try" to have them. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol, he is going to be upset and I'd be worried about losing his trust. I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby.
Having a moral dilemma with wanting to get pregnant. My husband and I recently got married (less than a year now) but we've been together for 8 years now. He's always said he doesn't "care" to have kids, but would always say too "when or if we have kids....". He's also known that I am dead set on having them and recently asked me why it was such a big deal to me and told me that we will have them eventually just doesn't feel the rush. He is 34 and I am 32. I can't really say that I want them RIGHT NOW but deep down inside wouldn't mind if I got pregnant any time now. He's not being very clear on the "eventually" part either. I really don't want to wait another 2-3 years.
My dilemma - I stopped BC about 6 months ago and haven't told him. I kinda think he knows since he never sees me take them anymore, but thats just an assumption, and we've never talked about it. Before you get judgy about me not telling him...YET, I have to say why. The main reason is because we rarely have sex, I mean maybe once a month if I'm lucky. He's "working" on that issue. So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing. Another reason is because I found out I have CIN3 cells and recently had to have the LEEP which means my cervix is not in the best working condition and the likelihood of conceiving right now I don't think is very high. Another reason why I haven't told him is because he told someone in front of me that if we have kids I'm going to have to get him drunk and make it happen because he doesn't really want to know. It was a joke, but knowing our situation, its stayed in my mind, that that is probably going to be the way it happens. I don't think he'll ever "try" to have them. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol, he is going to be upset and I'd be worried about losing his trust. I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby.
Thank you for reading and your advice!
DISCLAIMER: I think this is MUD/trolling, but I guess i'll respond anyway because I'm bored.
The fact that you don't feel like you can just tell your husband that you want to have kids soon, or ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to have them (or IF he really thinks that he will) makes me think that your marriage isn't very strong. The fact that you gave up birth control without telling him also makes me think that you've lost your mind. I know women that have gotten pregnant while in unstable marriages. All of them are now single mothers. So consider that. Having children doesn't fix a marriage, it makes it harder for a long time, especially when one of the participants in the marriage doesn't want to have them at all.
Couples counseling. ASAP. You are 32 years old. If your husband doesn't see himself wanting kids until who knows when, you need to decide if you'd be able to be happy if you never have them. If you're can't be happy childless, you probably want to leave your marriage and try to find someone else who has the same long term goals as you. This is something that should have been discussed fully and worked out BEFORE you got married by the way. The fact that your husband made it known that he didn't "care" to have kids and you married him anyway hoping he'll change makes this seem like it was doomed all along. Kids aren't a negotiation...you either have them or you don't, and you both need to want them if you're going to have them.
Don't take this as being judgy, but I think you really need to have a frank conversation with your husband about ALL of that. It's incredibly important to be on the same page when you are thinking about bringing kids into the world. Your last sentence especially is worrisome to me. My husband still jokes with me about not wanting kids, but we have had a frank conversation about it and both know we are trying. I don't think we would be able to parent a kiddo together if we did not trust each other. I really suggest you come up with a way to talk to your husband about all of the concerns you brought up here.
Me: 29, DH: 32
Married: July 22, 2008 Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
TTC#1 since: May 2015 September 2016- Infertility Testing dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS Treatment: October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
Having a moral dilemma with wanting to get pregnant. My husband and I recently got married (less than a year now) but we've been together for 8 years now. He's always said he doesn't "care" to have kids, but would always say too "when or if we have kids....". He's also known that I am dead set on having them and recently asked me why it was such a big deal to me and told me that we will have them eventually just doesn't feel the rush. He is 34 and I am 32. I can't really say that I want them RIGHT NOW but deep down inside wouldn't mind if I got pregnant any time now. He's not being very clear on the "eventually" part either. I really don't want to wait another 2-3 years.
My dilemma - I stopped BC about 6 months ago and haven't told him. I kinda think he knows since he never sees me take them anymore, but thats just an assumption, and we've never talked about it. Before you get judgy about me not telling him...YET, I have to say why. The main reason is because we rarely have sex, I mean maybe once a month if I'm lucky. He's "working" on that issue. So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing. Another reason is because I found out I have CIN3 cells and recently had to have the LEEP which means my cervix is not in the best working condition and the likelihood of conceiving right now I don't think is very high. Another reason why I haven't told him is because he told someone in front of me that if we have kids I'm going to have to get him drunk and make it happen because he doesn't really want to know. It was a joke, but knowing our situation, its stayed in my mind, that that is probably going to be the way it happens. I don't think he'll ever "try" to have them. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol, he is going to be upset and I'd be worried about losing his trust. I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby.
Thank you for reading and your advice!
You need to tell him that you are not taking your BCP. I think it would be better to tell him now than be like "I'm pregnant because I stopped taking my pills and didn't tell you". You also need to have a serious talk with him about having children. If he is not ready for kids now then you should not be "forcing" him to have kids by not telling him you are no longer on BCP. Preventing pregnancy right now does not mean never having kids, it just means waiting until both partners are ready before having kids.
Honestly, if my partner did what you are doing right now, I don't know if I could be in a relationship with them any more.
Me being dead set on kids and him not wanting them would have been a serious deal breaker before we ever got married.
I think you have a lot of other marriage issues to work on before babies are even on the table, but I agree with what everyone else has said so I won't repeat it all.
Baby #1: Nixson Thomas - Born 3/11/14 @ 4:32pm, 7lbs 10oz, 21.5"
Baby #2: Emma Haley - Born 7/2/15 @ 7:09am, 7lbs 9 oz, 21"
Baby #3: TTC (hoping for a due date of spring / summer 2017)
@delujm0 I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol. We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this. That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually. He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37. I told him, I'm not waiting that long.
Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids. The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't. So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind. If anything, thats what he did. He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave. To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs. It was kinda the same with our wedding. He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married.
Deep down I know I need to tell him. Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.
@delujm0 I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol. We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this. That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually. He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37. I told him, I'm not waiting that long.
Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids. The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't. So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind. If anything, thats what he did. He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave. To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs. It was kinda the same with our wedding. He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married.
Deep down I know I need to tell him. Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.
I think you answered your own question there. You really need to tell him.
It sounds like you didn't have pre-marital counseling since you got married so quickly, so maybe you could consider some Post-marital counseling. I found it very beneficial (pre-marital) and it could be really beneficial for you as well to help you both to open up and communicate about some of these things.
Me: 29, DH: 32
Married: July 22, 2008 Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
TTC#1 since: May 2015 September 2016- Infertility Testing dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS Treatment: October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
OP I don't think relying on the fact that you don't have sex very often is a good plan to keep yourself from getting pregnant. And seeing as your marriage is at stake here I think you really should tell him. As PPs have said dishonesty is a deal breaker in most relationships. And if you do end up KU and have to tell him after that it's because you stopped your BC, that could cause a major rift in your relationship. Maybe you stopping BC is the push he needs for kids since you're saying you need to take the lead in a lot of things in your relationship. But he absolutely should know that you've done it. No one here is going to condone that kind of dishonesty within a marriage. It's just not a good idea. I'm sorry that you and your DH are not on the same page right now about TTC. But based on how you feel and how he seems to feel I think a serious and legitimate conversation where you both lay everything out on the table might be in order. Good luck.
Let me just preface this by saying, I can only form an opinion of your situation based off of what you've told us, so if I am way off base I apologize.
From what I'm reading, it sounds like you and your husband don't have a very good line of communication. Put your desire for children aside, if that is the case, and focus on making the communication strong and solid. Marriage, as I'm sure you know, is difficult in and of itself and that is why having a healthy relationship involves open communication. You can't even begin to think about having children, in my humble opinion, until you have a solid relationship with your husband. And I don't think lying for the last 6 months about being off of the pill qualifies as a solid line of communication.
I realize you have your reasons for not telling him, and I'm not judging you by any means. But you need to tell him. It's not right for you to have kept that, regardless of your reasoning. Imagine if he kept something big from you for 6 months, how you would feel. Hurt I'm sure.
I hope you two can come to a good compromise about having children, AFTER you have solidified a strong relationship!
"I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will
stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until
about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped
doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't
tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby."
It sounds like you are willing to risk losing your husband in order to have a baby. That doesn't sound good for any parties, especially a child.
My husband used to say that he was fine with us having kids, but didn't want to know when I was coming off birth control. He didn't really want to have to make the conscious decision to pull the trigger, so to speak. The whole idea was too scary and overwhelming to him.
I wasn't happy with that because its scary and overwhelming for me too, and I don't want to go through this process alone. I felt like his suggestion put all the decisions and responsibility on me. We discussed a timeline for coming off BC and TTC that we were both comfortable with. Now, he is fairly active in the process (he even knows about CM and temping) and is more excited than ever about getting KTFU.
Here are my thoughts on the subject: Your situation reminds me a lot of my own back before my husband and I made the decision to TTC. Obviously there are some differences like I didn't stop taking the pill without telling him. But I've talked before about how my husband and I were in a "dead bedroom" situation. We'd literally have sex once every 3 or 4 months and that was it. And my husband didn't really sound like he wanted children anytime soon. When a friend of family member would get pregnant he'd joke about it saying things like "better them than us!"
It was really hard to wait for him to be ready to TTC when I was already ready. But I knew it was the right call for us. I remember when we were getting ready to move from PA to VA I ran out of BCPs and needed to go to my yearly to get another prescription. I didn't plan ahead properly and wasn't able to get in to see my GYN before we'd move. And once we got to VA it took me a little time to find a new GYN and get an appointment. So I ended up being off BCPs for awhile. I remember having the conversation to explain to him that I wasn't on BCPs at the moment. I remember how as soon as the words "just so you know, I'm not on BCPs at the moment" came out of my mouth I was immediately interrupted by a very angry response of "oh so we're "trying" now and you didn't think to tell me? What the actual fuck?" I quickly explained that no it wasn't anything like that I'd just ran out and wasn't able to get in to see my doctor etc. Once I explained the situation my husband calmed down, said he totally understood and that we'd just use condoms or something for awhile till I was able to get in to see my new GYN.
Eventually, a couple of months later, he was finally ready to TTC. We sat down and had a long conversation about if we want children and when we'd want them. We talked about anything we'd want to do first and both were able to voice our thoughts and concerns. At the end of the talk we made the decision to start "trying" though my husband made me agree that I'd wait a couple of months before jumping in to charting, temping, OPKs, etc. It was a great feeling to know that we were on the same page and that if/when I got pregnant it would be something we were both happy and excited about.
My point here is that I totally get where you're coming from but I don't agree with your decision to not tell your husband. I'm not being judgmental I'm just being realistic that making a decision to stop taking BCPs without telling your husband has a high potential of damaging your relationship. If your husband is anything like mine he'll probably be angry when he finds out. And honestly do you want that to be when you announce you're pregnant? Wouldn't you rather announce a pregnancy when you know he's on board and he'll be happy, or at least accepting? What would you do if you tell him "I came off BCPs without telling you and... surprise! I'm pregnant!" and he asks you to get an abortion because he doesn't want children right now? What if he decides he can't trust you and is angry you forced him into being a parent against his will and he leaves? Would you still feel like you'd made the right decision?
If it helps you imagine how he'd feel imagine how you'd feel if you discussed having a baby with him and he told you that he was ready to TTC. Imagine thinking that you're both TTC and then finding out that he's been taking male birth control the whole time. Yes I know male birth control isn't a thing... yet. But let's pretend for the sake of this scenario that it is a thing. Wouldn't you feel hurt/betrayed/lied to? And would you be angry? I know I would be.
I really hope that you're able to work all this out with your husband. And hopefully he'll decide he's ready to start trying soon.
Me: 28 Husband: 31 TTC#1: January 2015- September 2016 Infertility, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Rainbow baby born June 6, 2017 ❤️
@delujm0 I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol. We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this. That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually. He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37. I told him, I'm not waiting that long.
Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids. The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't. So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind. If anything, thats what he did. He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave. To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs. It was kinda the same with our wedding. He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married.
Deep down I know I need to tell him. Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.
Honestly I agree with all PP and i need to add my own point, there is no right time to tell him anything...you honestly have to just blurt it out one day and make him have that serious convo with you. You trying to wait for the right time is just you putting it off. Yes I know it may not be the easiest thing to do. But from experience I know you have to put on your big girl pants and just do it. You may honestly be surprised at his response. Take me and my DH for example...we always joked about having kids and then we said we wanted to wait until the company was up and running and then the subject just faded away until one day my oldest daughter looked and said Mommy and I said yes baby...she literally said when are you and Chay Chay going to have a baby? I was kind of shocked but I told her I don't know. She looked at me and said well you should talk about it with Chay Chay and walked away. That was my sign that I had to bring it up again. I tried to politely bring it up for a week straight and he would brush it off. Until one day I literally unplugged the TV and said we are going to talk about this. And we did, and I found out he was scared of having kids for multiple reasons so we laid out a financial plan for how a new baby was going to impact our lives, once he saw on paper that we would be ok financially we decided to start trying, and here we are with him just as excited as I am every time I test.
I said that to say this if you don't talk to him you will never know why he feels the way he does. And if he finds out you stopped BCP and didn't tell him then all the trust in you marriage is gone. You need a stable, strong foundation with your partner before trying to bring another life into this world.
**formerly jnalexander2** Me: 29 DH: 26 Married: March 2016 Jordyn: 7/7/10 Jiselle: 2/22/12 Camille: 6/2/17 Trying for #4
@delujm0 I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol. We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this. That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually. He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37. I told him, I'm not waiting that long.
Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids. The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't. So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind. If anything, thats what he did. He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave. To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs. It was kinda the same with our wedding. He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married.
Deep down I know I need to tell him. Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.
It seems like he is telling you no- and maybe you're not listening? If he would refuse to have sex with you because he knew you were not on BC, his stance is pretty clear. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It's not okay to trick someone into an "oops". It sounds like you already have the list of justifications ready for when your oops happens, "I REALLY didn't think it would happen" "But we hardly had sex" "But I had the LEEP and I was so sure nothing could happen" "But you said I'd have to surprise you (being drunk example you gave) so it's exactly what you wanted" Tricking or pushing someone into having a child is a bad idea. Always. Talk to him, get on the same page, and make a game plan. I know how hard it is to wait on your DH to be ready, but you can't rush him and you definitely shouldn't trick him. Good luck.
Edited for OP user name
SN used to be soemthingclever Me: 28 DH: 35 Dx PCOS May 2015 Baby #1 due 12/7/17
Thank you all so much. I know I just need to sit down and tell him. I think I'm more nervous about the reaction, but at least it will all be out in the open and we can move forward one way or the other. I love my husband so much and I know that my last sentence about choosing a child over him may not sound like it, but I'm the oldest of 7, was a teacher for about 6 years and kids have just always been in the picture for me. I'd end up resenting him and myself if I stayed with him if he flat out wouldn't have kids with me. However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him. Guess I just need to get the conversation overwith. Thanks again, sincerely, for all your input. It helped saying it out loud and negating all of my "justifications". Hopefully I'll be back in the near future to post about TTC
Ugh I just can't let this one go, it just makes me so mad for OP's husband. Mostly because if she gets pregnant via deceit and he tells her he doesn't want the kid and leaves...he still will have to pay child support for 18 years for a child he told her that he did not want, and that she maliciously conceived. I know child support laws are very important to have, because 99.9999% of the cases are completely valid and legitimate, but I honestly feel bad for men who have this happen to them.
I also just can't with this quote...
I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby."
YOU KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO END, OP. You have two options here. Tell your husband IMMEDIATELY that you are off BC, accept his anger (because this is a completely valid reason for him to be angry with you), and use it as a springboard to have a serious discussion about your family planning; or just get out of the marriage as soon as possible. Because from what I'm reading above, you'd rather have a kid than this particular husband. There are other men out there that also want kids, and that would be willing equal partners with you. Maybe your husband feels that way but just isn't ready yet, and if that's the case you should not be attempting to force a baby on him. But maybe he really doesn't want kids, which is completely reasonable. But I'm reading this as "I'm hoping to get pregnant and then tell him my birth control must have failed" and not "if I get pregnant I'll be truthful and tell him I haven't been on birth control for 6 months" which is an abhorrent thing to do to your spouse.
When you say that you want kids more than he doesn't want kids, so you'll have kids, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. You can't halfway have a child. This just makes me think that when raising your kids gets hard, your husband will just say "well I didn't want them in the first place" and everything will fall on you to deal with, which will lead to resentment. Also, kids can pick up on the fact that a parent doesn't really want them. They're intelligent. It would break my heart to bring a baby into that situation. You can't love a kid enough to undo the damage of a father that doesn't want them. And despite what TV and the movies lead you to believe, your husband won't just change his mind and fall head over heels in love with a baby as soon as it's born. That's not how it works when you didn't want the kid to begin with.
Just so much about this is wrong. I really do hope it's not real.
@delujm0 Maybe you should read my further posts before going on a rant. Others were able to reply without getting hysterical. I clarified what I meant by that last sentence. This isn't an easy issue for me...or for my husband. I respect my husband and don't plan on getting knocked up without fully seeing his position or trying to "trap" him. The whole reason for this post was because I felt bad about not telling him I was on BC (even though theres not really a chance I'd get pregnant right now anyway). If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out. I just don't want to stop outright having sex because I'm not on the pill. Getting pregnant is not the main reason I stopped taking them in the first place. I feel so much better off of them(no mood swings) and my insurance changed to where I pay for prescriptions 100% til I meet my deductible. Spending crazy money on a pill that really doesn't seem like its preventing anything anyway since we rarely have sex, didn't seem justified anymore. After I decided to stop taking them for money purposes alone, I started thinking about the what-ifs about getting pregnant. That is what brought me to post this.
As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up. He'd probably be pissed at first, but would be there for me and his child, but I do feel that we would lose that trust. I know for a doubt my husband wouldn't leave me, so if I wanted to "trap" him, I could. I'm not that person. All of his little comments about not wanting to know when I was getting knocked up mixed with taking myself off BC are what have me confused and why i was looking for outside perspective. To put it short, its almost like my husband is asking me to not let him know when it was happening but that he knows it will eventually.
@delujm0 and to clarify just a little more, I've tried on many occasions to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. He has a very hard time with communication and hates any type of serious convo, whether its about kids or something else in our relationship.
To be detailed, I have specifically told him that it seems like he doesn't want kids and that it is not really an option for me, so we need to come to a conclusion. I tell him, I am not wanting them immediately but I don't want to spend the next 5 years together only for him to tell me no. To which his response is getting fidgety and telling me that we will have kids. That is where the conversation ends because it seems like me even bringing up the subject is like me pressuring him. Trying to push it even further and ask when is just going to upset him or feel like I'm pushing him, so I let it go.
Its just hard to gauge what he wants as far as timing. I'm trying to figure out if his "joking" about not wanting to know when it happens is really joking or if I have to do it that way, but then I feel like that is deceitful and I don't want to do that either.
OP I think you've gotten some great advice so far, and it sounds like you know what you need to do.
I see a few similarities to my experiences - I was ready to TTC before my SO, and waiting until he was ready was really difficult. I decided that I wanted to go off of BCP before we started TTC - I was tired of the side effects and wanted my body to have a chance to regulate before TTC. He and I talked about it and he knew I wasn't going to refill my prescription - we also weren't having super regular sex at the time and were using condoms when we did. Fast forward a few months and he somehow forgot I went off BCP, remembered, and then got all upset that I went off BCP without telling him - I had to remind him that yes, I did tell him and that being off BCP =/= TTC necessarily. All that said, he was far more upset about what he perceived as my withholding information than about me not being on BCP. Once he remembered the conversation from several months prior, it was just a matter of discussing logistics (how long would we use condoms for, vs. when would we be open to getting pregnant).
I know there's no easy way to have these conversations. One thing that I've found helpful is journaling to get all my thoughts out first, and then giving my SO a heads up that I'd like to discuss whatever the topic is - then he can be prepared for it and not caught off guard. In terms of talking TTC without seeming like you're pressuring him, you can say some of the things you've written here - that having children is very important to you, that you want to have children with him, but that most importantly you want to both be on the same page. It can help to reiterate that you do not want to pressure him and that you're not expecting a set "yes" or "no" at the end of the conversation. Maybe just bring up some thoughts and then make a plan to revisit the conversation in a week after he's had some more time to reflect.
However you choose to address it, I think sooner is better - you'll feel better having the discussion out in the open and then you'll know what issues are remaining and what next steps are. I hope you're pleasantly surprised and that the conversation goes well!
TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow
I'm glad you're going to sit down and talk to him. Let's make a game plan for you to help you feel more confident in bringing it up.
1. Hunny, babe, sweetie, I need to have a conversation with you about something important to me and I will need your full attention. When is a good time for you?
Assuming he doesn't freak out and actually says at 8 after I play this game/finish work /am not starving..
I wanted to have an open discussion about this because I love you and want open honest communication between each other and to trust each other.
I have heard your comments about not wanting children yet, but I want to share reasons why I want to start now.
** list off research that it is a 20% chance for healthy couples every month, you want x number of kids before menopause, blah blah blah
I also wanted to tell you that I stopped my birth control, and I am sorry that I didn't make you a part of that conversation. *he will probably yell. Be calm and say I hear you. How are you feeling about all of this? Why do you want to wait? What if there is some thing wrong and things don't go as planned?
How would you like us to proceed? *go back on birth control, use condoms, or accept it and start NTNP*
Anyone want to add or edit?
Me: 27 years old DH: 27 years old Type 1 Diabetes since 2001, MTHFR hetero A1298T Dogs: Raider 4 yrs, Dex 4 yrs
Married in July 2014
TTC #1 since late Feb 2016
BFP #1 3/29/16 MMC: 5/5/16 BFP #2 7/6/16 SCH, D&C 8/4/16 BFP #3 12/26/16 EDD: 9/6/17 My Chart / My Diabetes/Pregnancy Blog My Type 1/TTC/Pregnancy Podcast: Juicebox Podcast Episode 118 A1Cs: 1/12/16 6.7% 5/25/16 6.0% 11/2/16 6.1% 3/22/16 5.8% 4/27/17 5.4% 6/13/17 5.3% "Sugar Fancy Tutu"
I think @Sugargirl1019 has some good ideas, buttttt I would like to play devil's advocate. Part of me wonders feels like he is a commitment-phobe. You were together for 8 years into your 30s and you had to pressure him to get married? And you rarely have sex? And you question whether he wants kids with you?I know I was freaking out once I turned 31 and my FI and I had been together for almost 2 years. I would definitely reexamine the relationship and think about why YOU want to be with HIM. This reminds me of Jack Johnson's song "Flake" - "maybe pretty much always means no"
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
Another reason is because I found out I have CIN3 cells and recently had to have the LEEP which means my cervix is not in the best working condition and the likelihood of conceiving right now I don't think is very high.
***dirty lurker and siggy warning and previous pregnancy mentioned ***
FWIW, I had a LEEP done right before getting pregnant with my first, so I wouldn't count on that as keeping you from conceiving...
That being said, I will second what everyone has already said. You need to talk to him ASAP and get into couples counseling. What you're doing is not something that happens in a healthy, strong marriage.
Look, OP, I hear you. You feel bad about going off of BC without telling your husband, as you should. But you also have said several things here that sound like "he gets nervous about this serious conversation, so I figure if I go off the BC and just get pregnant without him knowing that I'm trying, he'll come around to the fact that we're having a baby, and he'll be supportive, and everything will be fine." Which, sure, could be the case, and might be true. But he also might (rightfully) lose it if he finds out that you orchestrated a pregnancy behind his back and leave you. You say yourself that you would lose his trust if he found out you went off BC without consulting him, and that he would potentially stop having unprotected sex with you, which would make it impossible for you to get pregnant, and you don't want that. Those things, to me, don't seem to add up to "he wants to get pregnant without knowing that we're trying to." They add up to "he really doesn't want to get pregnant right now."
You may not think he'd leave you over this, and you may be right. But I have a friend who didn't think her husband would leave her when she was 6 months pregnant with a kid he wasn't committed to having. And yet she's a single mom right now. She told him she was going off the pill, and that if he didn't want a baby he could use condoms, which he declined to do. She also figured that once she was pregnant, or once he saw the baby, he would come around. He didn't. She loves that kid more than anything, and her ex does usually come around for his custody visits, but she would have much rather raised a kid within a happy marriage if she had the chance.
If your husband truly believes that he will eventually be ready, but that he wants it to "just happen," that is pretty normal. But it involves him actually telling you when he's ready, and being aware that he's having unprotected sex. It is really hard to have to wait to conceive when you're ready and your partner isn't, but it's really important that you both be on board. Have you discussed your potential fertility issues with him? If he wants this to "just happen," what happens if it doesn't? If you have to see an RE, he will be required to go through testing as well. Does he want a kid badly enough to go through testing? Or at that point would he give up? Would he be interested in adoption as a backup, or no? These are not fun conversations to have. Which is why you really should look into some kind of counseling if your husband has trouble with expressing himself. You really need to have an honest conversation about this, especially if it could potentially lead to the end of your marriage if your plans are not aligned. 32 isn't old by any means. But it's also not young if the result of this is you needing to start over with someone new.
FWIW, I happily would have had kids 5 years earlier than DD was born. But we weren't even married yet at the time. We had decided that we wouldn't get married until we were ready to have kids, and we agreed that we wanted to have 2-3 kids, but DH just wasn't ready to get started on trying as early as I was. We had been together for 10 years when we got married, and 11 when DD was born. So I get how much it sucks to have to wait to do something. But it is really really important to both be ready - kids are a lot of work and require a lot of cooperation and communication and trust. You don't want to start your journey into parenthood by admitting to your husband that you duped him into it.
I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom?
You have contradicted yourself several times when replying: "So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing" "If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out." "However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him." "As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up."
And every time you reply you add in a new excuse/reason as to why what you are doing is ok and justified, but it just isn't. It is completely disrespectful and dishonest.
I'm sorry that this is not the answer that you probably want to hear but you absolutely need to take a good long look in the mirror at your actions and your marriage. If the situation was reversed would you tolerate that kind of deception from your spouse? I know I wouldn't.
@SienaC I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom? Because he doesn't wear condoms. From the first time we ever slept together, he hasn't worn one and never will. That's just him. He would just as easily just stop having sex because he doesn't feel the need for it. That is a completely different issue in which I am doing my best to be an understanding wife, bc I DO feel the need for it. Scaring him by telling him Im not on BC when he doesn't understand the whole ovulation thing isn't going to help ease his mind. Like I said, he'd just rather stop having sex all-together.
You have contradicted yourself several times when replying: "So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing" "If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out." Clarify- Wrong choice of words, I dont consider timing a factor when I know I dont even have the chance to get prego. Case in point, the first time he wasnt wanting to pull out, I got off of him because I knew I was around ovulation and didnt want to risk it. This last time we had sex was 2 days before my period started and I knew there was no chance, so I didnt make him pull out.
"However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him." "As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up." Not seeing how this is contradictory. I'm not saying just bc my husband wouldn't leave me that I'd do that. I believe I even said that in the next sentence. These two sentences are about 2 totally different things.
I hate topics like this because it hits so close to home. OP - I've seen the results of women stopping their BC without informing or talking to their partner. It does not end well, 99% of the time.
I know you said that he would never leave you because you were pregnant -- but you also said that you would leave him if he didn't want kids. If he doesn't want kids, having a child is not going to change that. It will cut all trust between the two of you. You can try to make a relationship work with no trust, but in the end, it'll likely be two adults who live together and co-parent. There won't be a relationship beyond that. You'll basically be separated and divorced, without the actual papers -- and eventually, one of you will get fed up with being alone and leave.
I know you said that there's a slim chance, because of this or that - but all it takes is one well-timed tumble in the sheets. You don't have to have sex a dozen times in your FW to get pregnant. Plenty of women get pregnant with only hitting one day in their FW. Plenty of women get pregnant after having a LEEP done. PPs have proven that to be true.
I have to ask, and I don't mean to be rude when I ask this -- did you guys actually talk about your plans for the future before you got married? Whether you choose to do pre-marital counseling or not, those types of things should've been discussed before saying you'll spend the rest of your life with someone. Having children is a huge commitment, and it should've been something that was discussed a long time ago.
You say you'd make him PO if you were ovulating and happened to have sex. Are you temping to track your ovulation, to know with as much accuracy as possible when your O date is? Period trackers aren't accurate; they're a guessing game. And, in the heat of the moment, what happens if you forget to tell him to PO because you're caught up? And when you ask him to PO, will he just shrug it off, or will he question you and have to confront you about it when you're caught off-guard? You were successful once - doesn't mean it'll be the case every time.
Your husband has been sending mixed signals, obviously. But you don't take matters in to your own hands, regardless of the reason. If you wanted to stop your BC because of the financial burden, or because of the mood swings, then you should have talked to your H and you should have let him know what was going on. You should have given him the opportunity and the option to choose to use condoms. When I switched from the pill to the patch, H and I had quite a few discussions about what method we should use instead (key not: we, because BC and lack there-of affects more than just you). And when I had to be off BC for a month because the pharmacy took longer to get the patch in - I was up front and told H and we used condoms. If your H has a problem with sitting down and talking to you, then you need to seriously consider counseling to get that worked through. I have communication issues - I'll be the first to admit that. But I have no qualms about sitting with H and talking about serious matters, even if he wants to beat a dead horse and talk about it a dozen times. If communication is an issue now - it'll be an issue 10 years from now, and 50 years from that. My H sent me mixed-signals for months in the beginning of this year. One breath would be that he still wants to wait, the next would be that he wants to try right now. In the end - I was given excellent advice by some fantastic ladies to not read too much in to his mixed signals, and I stopped letting him pull me around like a yo-yo. Deep down, he wanted to wait. We had a candid discussion and that came to light, and I'm glad I didn't just "take matters into my own hands" and stop BC.
If you're sitting your H down for a conversation, make sure it's on both of your terms and he's not already stressed or angry. Don't point fingers or use judgmental or "end-all" phrases like "it's not an option". There's always an option. If you feel like you're pressuring him, you're going about it wrong. If you're talking openly and not just giving him end-all sentences like telling him you're not waiting five years, and you're not not having kids, and you're not doing this or not doing that -- the conversation will go well. The second you start using demanding phrases like "I'm not", it'll stop. Instead of "I'm not waiting 5 years", tell him you're concerned that at your age, you're 3 years away from being considered a geriatric patient when it comes to TTC, and after that point, it can be increasingly difficult to try. Instead of "It's not an option for me", ask what is making him feel that way, and what may be holding him back. Don't ever start a phrase will "well, you said" or "you told me". Instead, say "I feel like we had a discussion,..". You'd be surprised how much further "I feel" can get you in a discussion. I had serious problems with how I approached conversations with H throughout the first 2 years of our relationship. I went to counseling for other things, and one of the things that was brought up was how I approached a conversation and what it got me (or didn't get me). I used the lessons and advice I was given in counseling, and I can tell you my husband feels a lot less attacked than he used to - and I never meant to attack him before. It may not be your intent, but it may be how it comes across.
After your discussion, you may not get the results you want. He may want to wait another year or two. He is half of your partnership, and his wishes matter just as much as yours do. If he says he wants to wait a year - try having another discussion in six months and just asking him if he's having any new concerns or anything that he wanted to talk about, but don't be pressuring and don't tell him that you want to start TTC sooner. When it comes to that year mark, before you just stop BC and start trying because he said so a year ago - have another discussion to be sure.
Honestly, it sounds like a lot of his problems are with communication, and yours are with irresponsibility to boot. I agree with @SienaC that every new response you have is another excuse why it's justified, and nothing is going to actually justify your decision to stop your BC without talking to your H.
Did you explore other BC options? Did you look in to how much they would cost? If you weren't trying to get pregnant, then you would have. You say your husband doesn't understand ovulation, but did you even try to teach him? Or did you just figure he'd never understand it?
Honestly, good advice from the majority of the previous posters, however, I'd just like to throw in my two cents. I personally would have told him the minute I decided to go off of BCP, but then again I also know that if my DH was put into this situation would switch to condoms.
@SienaC I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom? Because he doesn't wear condoms. From the first time we ever slept together, he hasn't worn one and never will. That's just him. He would just as easily just stop having sex because he doesn't feel the need for it. That is a completely different issue in which I am doing my best to be an understanding wife, bc I DO feel the need for it. Scaring him by telling him Im not on BC when he doesn't understand the whole ovulation thing isn't going to help ease his mind. Like I said, he'd just rather stop having sex all-together.
This particular point from your recent post concerns me. If you two have these very different sexual needs and he would rather completely ignore your needs rather than "taking one for the team" and wearing a condom every once in a while, he's essentially forcing you to take BCP in order to fulfill your needs. This really squicks me out and this point, combined with the issues in your previous posts, makes it seem like you both are engaging in some form of reproductive coercion.
Previously PaukMeKiande
Surprise BFP/MC February 2011 BFP May 16th 2016
EDD January 25 2017 DD born January 30 2017 Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
*tw- child mentioned* When DH and I were dating we both worked retail. Mid-October to mid-January were always brutal and we barely would see each other. My BCP prescription ended around Halloween and I couldn't get into the OBGYN. I tried scheduling it a couple times, and it always conflicted with work. So mentally I told myself, I will get in after the holidays and I barely see my SO anyways so I bet it won't matter. Well we had sex ONE TIME and honestly using condoms or Plan B didn't even cross my mind because I was frazzled from the holidays. Then I got a BFP a couple days before Christmas. Instead of it being something happy I could share with him, it was an awful conversation. He felt betrayed and coerced and even to this day jokingly will say I did it on purpose. And while I certainly was not intending for a child and wasn't trying to be deceptive, being careless and not talking to him when I couldn't get my appt was unfair to him. If I would have told him, he would have been able to also remember to take precautions. I took all of his power away in the situation and its something i wholeheartedly don't recommend trying.
We ended up being fine and DS is awesome, but it definitely changed the trajectory of our relationship. And now I've been trying for a year to get pregnant with a second having tons of sex and I can't get pregnant. So it's a complete crap shoot sometimes. I just want to have a positive happy BFP story.
Me: 33 DH: 31 DS: 5 years old TTC #2 since August 2015 July 2016: Testing cycle with 100 mg Clomid = BFN August 2016: 50 mg Clomid + IUI = BFN October 2016: IVF#1 - 13 retrieved / 12 mature / 9 fertilized / 2 blasts November 2016: FET#1 = chemical January 2017: FET#2 = chemical March 2017: IVF#2 - 18 retrieved / 18 mature / 16 fertilized / 5 blasts
April 24, 2017: FET#3 - BFN May 24, 2017: FET#4 - BFP! - Beta #1 151 - Beta #2 503 - Due date 2/9/18
Honestly, good advice from the majority of the previous posters, however, I'd just like to throw in my two cents. I personally would have told him the minute I decided to go off of BCP, but then again I also know that if my DH was put into this situation would switch to condoms.
@SienaC I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom? Because he doesn't wear condoms. From the first time we ever slept together, he hasn't worn one and never will. That's just him. He would just as easily just stop having sex because he doesn't feel the need for it. That is a completely different issue in which I am doing my best to be an understanding wife, bc I DO feel the need for it. Scaring him by telling him Im not on BC when he doesn't understand the whole ovulation thing isn't going to help ease his mind. Like I said, he'd just rather stop having sex all-together.
This particular point from your recent post concerns me. If you two have these very different sexual needs and he would rather completely ignore your needs rather than "taking one for the team" and wearing a condom every once in a while, he's essentially forcing you to take BCP in order to fulfill your needs. This really squicks me out and this point, combined with the issues in your previous posts, makes it seem like you both are engaging in some form of reproductive coercion.
(TW: lurker and ticker)
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Reproductive coercion is a serious form of abuse. You two need to get into counseling immediately.
Thank you all so much. I know I just need to sit down and tell him.I think I'm more nervous about the reaction, but at least it will all be out in the open and we can move forward one way or the other. I love my husband so much and I know that my last sentence about choosing a child over him may not sound like it, but I'm the oldest of 7, was a teacher for about 6 years and kids have just always been in the picture for me. I'd end up resenting him and myself if I stayed with him if he flat out wouldn't have kids with me. However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him. Guess I just need to get the conversation overwith. Thanks again, sincerely, for all your input. It helped saying it out loud and negating all of my "justifications". Hopefully I'll be back in the near future to post about TTC
To the bold^^ it sounds like you've needed to do this for the last 6 months, plus however long before you stopped BC while you were contemplating this course of action without his knowledge or agreement. Honestly you've come pretty far along this road. Be prepared for trust to be lost already.
me . early 30's | h . mid 30's | < 3 . 2013
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016 BFP! . jan 2017 DD . oct 2017
"On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol"
I don't have a whole lot to add that others haven't very wisely and sagely already said but, I can't let this go. Getting pregnant while not actively using any form of birth control is not "some miracle," even if you and your husband are having sex infrequently. It happens every single day and as long as you're not accurately tracking your time of ovulation via temping or confirmed by doctor diagnostically, could very well happen to you, and given the emotional disconnect between you and your partner in life goals, could have very serious consequences.
1) You are hijacking someone else's thread. Rude. 2) It's against TOU to post pee-sticks and to ask if you are pregnant. 3) Although I shouldn't help you; breaking open a test invalidates it.
ETA 4) Wow super-spammy. You posted 9 of this same question all over the boards?
Me: 29, DH: 32
Married: July 22, 2008 Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
TTC#1 since: May 2015 September 2016- Infertility Testing dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS Treatment: October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
Getting back to the topic at hand, I feel like I had a similar situation with DH. He doesn't like to talk about serious stuff either. He's not good with emotions, or having serious convos. We dated for 8 years before getting married, and I knew all of this about him prior to that. Knew what I was getting into, also kind of knew that in regards to kids that he wanted them, but that he's not going to be the type to make a plan or know every single step in the process. I also knew, that he didn't want to wait too long to have them.
Flash forward to 6 months after we got married and I go off of my BCP. Not necessarily because I wanted to have kids, but because I was on that and a strong med for severe hormonal acne, and my doctor advised that if we were going to possibly try to get pregnant within the next year or 2, I needed to start weening myself off of these meds in order to make sure that they are out of my system. (the other med I was on for the acne has been known to cause possible birth defects if you were to get pregnant while on it) So we did that. He was fully aware, and just knew that we would have to be extra careful since I was stopping BCP.
Flash forward again to March of this year. I had completely weened myself off of the oral meds for acne and was able to maintain with topical prescriptions. We had one drunken night of BD, and it just so happened to be within my FW. (that I frantically tracked using the period tracker app on my phone just to see if it was a possibility I could be pregnant) At that point I told DH, and we both had the attitude of, well if it happens it happens, and decided that if it didn't that we were going to keep trying. I got a BFN that month, and then life started to get ridiculously crazy, and we have decided to TTA for a while until things slow down.
I say all of that to say this, OP, my DH sounds a lot like your H. And while there really is no good way to handle this, and it can be extremely difficult, frustrating, and stressful to talk to him about these kind of things just because of the way he is, IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST ABOUT IT. When I was going off of the BCP, DH was upset, and made some comments about that, but eventually he stopped, realized that he was being a man child, and shut up about it. Honesty is always best, and I think the best advice in this situation is for you all to sit down and have an adult conversation just to get it all out there, and to understand each other's point of view. Good luck, and not to sound judgy, but I know you will need it!
ETA: Sentence about tracking
Me: 33 DH: 36 Together since 2007 Happily Ever After 4.30.2015 ~~One Beautiful Daughter~~ Born: 11.6.2017 Trying for #2!!
I'm pretty late to this whole discussion but I have recently witnessed this similar situation play out first hand. One of my colleagues got married in November, they had been together for 4+ years, he is 28 and she is 32. She wanted to have kids right away and he wanted to wait already a year. She pulled the goalie without telling him and was pregnant by February. When she told him she was pregnant he was, understandably, furious. He was not excited as she had hoped he would be once it happened. You can't change someone's mind on that. They have needed up in counseling and are currently separated. After 7 months of marriage, because she lied to him and he couldn't trust her.
You have I ask yourself what's more important, havin an open honest marriage, or possibly a baby if it means single parenting
I truly appreciate y'alls input. I started BC when I first met him on my own accord. He never asked me to do that and I've always paid for it myself, so going off of it to me felt like my choice. He had an ex gf in the past that said she was prego and got an abortion and another who took Plan B. Knowing that, I've felt like me being on BC was my own choice and that once I was off, it was kinda up to me to make sure I wasn't going to get pregnant. I'm not saying I'm ok with what ive done so far about not telling him when I went off, so those of you who have made it clear that you think I'm the devil can rest assured, I'm not out to get my husband. Its just a very hard choice to make with someone who is hard to get a for sure answer out of. There was one time when I first went off it and I was a little past ovulation time and we BD'd without me asking him to PO. I felt horrible the next day and the whole time I waited to see if I got a BFP I was nervous about how I'd tell him. Since then I haven't allowed that to happen or even come close. I don't track my ovulation but I always have a 28 day cycle so guessing my ovulation time has been easy...but that is guessing. That being said, after that happened that one time, I've never let it get that close to my guestimated ovulation time again. When you have sex no more than once a month, its pretty easy to make sure it doesn't fall anywhere close to that range.
I had a lot of time to think about it last night to know how I wanted to bring it up and what I wanted to say. Honestly, the hard part is going to be getting him to sit still and just listen to me. Someone brought up educating him on the ovulation process, that crossed my mind last night too. Seriously, he's a great guy who does a lot for me, but serious convos are very difficult for him. I can already hear him now, me trying to explain the ovulation process..."Gross, gross, i don't need to hear that" lol. I can guarantee that's what he'll say lol. My main point with him is going to be that he may not want to know when/if it happens, but that I cant do this without being open and honest. Right now we're just going at this blindly. He knows I want kids and he says even though he doesn't get why I want them so bad, that it will happen. In my mind I was thinking later this year. He said not that soon, but also didn't say when. So its all kinda just hanging there. Just another little tidbit in here...last time we had sex was 2 days before my period. We were both drunk in Mexico. While we were BD'ing he said he wasn't going to PO and I said I don't think I can get pregnant right now anyway and his response was "I don't care". This is why I say I'm confused. He doesnt want kids right now, then says stuff like that. Yes, I know we were drunk but we're still aware of what we're saying. He still could have PO.
Anyway to continue.. I'm going to tell him that once I switched insurances and had my leep (2 months ago) that I decided I don't want to deal with BC anymore. I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after LEEP anyway, so I wouldn't have taken BC then regardless. Ya'll can yell at me for not telling him I stopped 6 months ago, but to me thats just causing unnecessary issues. The point is that he will know I'm not on it now and that I want to be honest with him and make him aware so that he can make his own conscious choices from now on when we BD.
Thanks again for the input and constructive criticism.
Re: Dilemma
DISCLAIMER: I think this is MUD/trolling, but I guess i'll respond anyway because I'm bored.
The fact that you don't feel like you can just tell your husband that you want to have kids soon, or ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to have them (or IF he really thinks that he will) makes me think that your marriage isn't very strong. The fact that you gave up birth control without telling him also makes me think that you've lost your mind. I know women that have gotten pregnant while in unstable marriages. All of them are now single mothers. So consider that. Having children doesn't fix a marriage, it makes it harder for a long time, especially when one of the participants in the marriage doesn't want to have them at all.
Couples counseling. ASAP. You are 32 years old. If your husband doesn't see himself wanting kids until who knows when, you need to decide if you'd be able to be happy if you never have them. If you're can't be happy childless, you probably want to leave your marriage and try to find someone else who has the same long term goals as you. This is something that should have been discussed fully and worked out BEFORE you got married by the way. The fact that your husband made it known that he didn't "care" to have kids and you married him anyway hoping he'll change makes this seem like it was doomed all along. Kids aren't a negotiation...you either have them or you don't, and you both need to want them if you're going to have them.
Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
September 2016- Infertility Testing
dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS
Treatment:
October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone
IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
Honestly, if my partner did what you are doing right now, I don't know if I could be in a relationship with them any more.
I think you have a lot of other marriage issues to work on before babies are even on the table, but I agree with what everyone else has said so I won't repeat it all.
@delujm0 I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol. We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this. That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually. He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37. I told him, I'm not waiting that long.
Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids. The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't. So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind. If anything, thats what he did. He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave. To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs. It was kinda the same with our wedding. He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married.
Deep down I know I need to tell him. Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.
It sounds like you didn't have pre-marital counseling since you got married so quickly, so maybe you could consider some Post-marital counseling. I found it very beneficial (pre-marital) and it could be really beneficial for you as well to help you both to open up and communicate about some of these things.
Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
September 2016- Infertility Testing
dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS
Treatment:
October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone
IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
From what I'm reading, it sounds like you and your husband don't have a very good line of communication. Put your desire for children aside, if that is the case, and focus on making the communication strong and solid. Marriage, as I'm sure you know, is difficult in and of itself and that is why having a healthy relationship involves open communication. You can't even begin to think about having children, in my humble opinion, until you have a solid relationship with your husband. And I don't think lying for the last 6 months about being off of the pill qualifies as a solid line of communication.
I realize you have your reasons for not telling him, and I'm not judging you by any means. But you need to tell him. It's not right for you to have kept that, regardless of your reasoning. Imagine if he kept something big from you for 6 months, how you would feel. Hurt I'm sure.
I hope you two can come to a good compromise about having children, AFTER you have solidified a strong relationship!
"I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby."
It sounds like you are willing to risk losing your husband in order to have a baby. That doesn't sound good for any parties, especially a child.
My husband used to say that he was fine with us having kids, but didn't want to know when I was coming off birth control. He didn't really want to have to make the conscious decision to pull the trigger, so to speak. The whole idea was too scary and overwhelming to him.
I wasn't happy with that because its scary and overwhelming for me too, and I don't want to go through this process alone. I felt like his suggestion put all the decisions and responsibility on me. We discussed a timeline for coming off BC and TTC that we were both comfortable with. Now, he is fairly active in the process (he even knows about CM and temping) and is more excited than ever about getting KTFU.
Your situation reminds me a lot of my own back before my husband and I made the decision to TTC. Obviously there are some differences like I didn't stop taking the pill without telling him. But I've talked before about how my husband and I were in a "dead bedroom" situation. We'd literally have sex once every 3 or 4 months and that was it. And my husband didn't really sound like he wanted children anytime soon. When a friend of family member would get pregnant he'd joke about it saying things like "better them than us!"
It was really hard to wait for him to be ready to TTC when I was already ready. But I knew it was the right call for us. I remember when we were getting ready to move from PA to VA I ran out of BCPs and needed to go to my yearly to get another prescription. I didn't plan ahead properly and wasn't able to get in to see my GYN before we'd move. And once we got to VA it took me a little time to find a new GYN and get an appointment. So I ended up being off BCPs for awhile. I remember having the conversation to explain to him that I wasn't on BCPs at the moment. I remember how as soon as the words "just so you know, I'm not on BCPs at the moment" came out of my mouth I was immediately interrupted by a very angry response of "oh so we're "trying" now and you didn't think to tell me? What the actual fuck?" I quickly explained that no it wasn't anything like that I'd just ran out and wasn't able to get in to see my doctor etc. Once I explained the situation my husband calmed down, said he totally understood and that we'd just use condoms or something for awhile till I was able to get in to see my new GYN.
Eventually, a couple of months later, he was finally ready to TTC. We sat down and had a long conversation about if we want children and when we'd want them. We talked about anything we'd want to do first and both were able to voice our thoughts and concerns. At the end of the talk we made the decision to start "trying" though my husband made me agree that I'd wait a couple of months before jumping in to charting, temping, OPKs, etc. It was a great feeling to know that we were on the same page and that if/when I got pregnant it would be something we were both happy and excited about.
My point here is that I totally get where you're coming from but I don't agree with your decision to not tell your husband. I'm not being judgmental I'm just being realistic that making a decision to stop taking BCPs without telling your husband has a high potential of damaging your relationship. If your husband is anything like mine he'll probably be angry when he finds out. And honestly do you want that to be when you announce you're pregnant? Wouldn't you rather announce a pregnancy when you know he's on board and he'll be happy, or at least accepting? What would you do if you tell him "I came off BCPs without telling you and... surprise! I'm pregnant!" and he asks you to get an abortion because he doesn't want children right now? What if he decides he can't trust you and is angry you forced him into being a parent against his will and he leaves? Would you still feel like you'd made the right decision?
If it helps you imagine how he'd feel imagine how you'd feel if you discussed having a baby with him and he told you that he was ready to TTC. Imagine thinking that you're both TTC and then finding out that he's been taking male birth control the whole time. Yes I know male birth control isn't a thing... yet. But let's pretend for the sake of this scenario that it is a thing. Wouldn't you feel hurt/betrayed/lied to? And would you be angry? I know I would be.
I really hope that you're able to work all this out with your husband. And hopefully he'll decide he's ready to start trying soon.
TTC#1: January 2015- September 2016
Infertility, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Rainbow baby born June 6, 2017 ❤️
Baby #2 due June 12, 2018
I said that to say this if you don't talk to him you will never know why he feels the way he does. And if he finds out you stopped BCP and didn't tell him then all the trust in you marriage is gone. You need a stable, strong foundation with your partner before trying to bring another life into this world.
Me: 29
DH: 26
Married: March 2016
Jordyn: 7/7/10
Jiselle: 2/22/12
Camille: 6/2/17
Trying for #4
Edited for OP user name
Me: 28 DH: 35
Dx PCOS May 2015
Baby #1 due 12/7/17
Ugh I just can't let this one go, it just makes me so mad for OP's husband. Mostly because if she gets pregnant via deceit and he tells her he doesn't want the kid and leaves...he still will have to pay child support for 18 years for a child he told her that he did not want, and that she maliciously conceived. I know child support laws are very important to have, because 99.9999% of the cases are completely valid and legitimate, but I honestly feel bad for men who have this happen to them.
I also just can't with this quote...
I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby."
YOU KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO END, OP. You have two options here. Tell your husband IMMEDIATELY that you are off BC, accept his anger (because this is a completely valid reason for him to be angry with you), and use it as a springboard to have a serious discussion about your family planning; or just get out of the marriage as soon as possible. Because from what I'm reading above, you'd rather have a kid than this particular husband. There are other men out there that also want kids, and that would be willing equal partners with you. Maybe your husband feels that way but just isn't ready yet, and if that's the case you should not be attempting to force a baby on him. But maybe he really doesn't want kids, which is completely reasonable. But I'm reading this as "I'm hoping to get pregnant and then tell him my birth control must have failed" and not "if I get pregnant I'll be truthful and tell him I haven't been on birth control for 6 months" which is an abhorrent thing to do to your spouse.
When you say that you want kids more than he doesn't want kids, so you'll have kids, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. You can't halfway have a child. This just makes me think that when raising your kids gets hard, your husband will just say "well I didn't want them in the first place" and everything will fall on you to deal with, which will lead to resentment. Also, kids can pick up on the fact that a parent doesn't really want them. They're intelligent. It would break my heart to bring a baby into that situation. You can't love a kid enough to undo the damage of a father that doesn't want them. And despite what TV and the movies lead you to believe, your husband won't just change his mind and fall head over heels in love with a baby as soon as it's born. That's not how it works when you didn't want the kid to begin with.
Just so much about this is wrong. I really do hope it's not real.
As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up. He'd probably be pissed at first, but would be there for me and his child, but I do feel that we would lose that trust. I know for a doubt my husband wouldn't leave me, so if I wanted to "trap" him, I could. I'm not that person. All of his little comments about not wanting to know when I was getting knocked up mixed with taking myself off BC are what have me confused and why i was looking for outside perspective. To put it short, its almost like my husband is asking me to not let him know when it was happening but that he knows it will eventually.
To be detailed, I have specifically told him that it seems like he doesn't want kids and that it is not really an option for me, so we need to come to a conclusion. I tell him, I am not wanting them immediately but I don't want to spend the next 5 years together only for him to tell me no. To which his response is getting fidgety and telling me that we will have kids. That is where the conversation ends because it seems like me even bringing up the subject is like me pressuring him. Trying to push it even further and ask when is just going to upset him or feel like I'm pushing him, so I let it go.
Its just hard to gauge what he wants as far as timing. I'm trying to figure out if his "joking" about not wanting to know when it happens is really joking or if I have to do it that way, but then I feel like that is deceitful and I don't want to do that either.
I see a few similarities to my experiences - I was ready to TTC before my SO, and waiting until he was ready was really difficult. I decided that I wanted to go off of BCP before we started TTC - I was tired of the side effects and wanted my body to have a chance to regulate before TTC. He and I talked about it and he knew I wasn't going to refill my prescription - we also weren't having super regular sex at the time and were using condoms when we did. Fast forward a few months and he somehow forgot I went off BCP, remembered, and then got all upset that I went off BCP without telling him - I had to remind him that yes, I did tell him and that being off BCP =/= TTC necessarily. All that said, he was far more upset about what he perceived as my withholding information than about me not being on BCP. Once he remembered the conversation from several months prior, it was just a matter of discussing logistics (how long would we use condoms for, vs. when would we be open to getting pregnant).
I know there's no easy way to have these conversations. One thing that I've found helpful is journaling to get all my thoughts out first, and then giving my SO a heads up that I'd like to discuss whatever the topic is - then he can be prepared for it and not caught off guard. In terms of talking TTC without seeming like you're pressuring him, you can say some of the things you've written here - that having children is very important to you, that you want to have children with him, but that most importantly you want to both be on the same page. It can help to reiterate that you do not want to pressure him and that you're not expecting a set "yes" or "no" at the end of the conversation. Maybe just bring up some thoughts and then make a plan to revisit the conversation in a week after he's had some more time to reflect.
However you choose to address it, I think sooner is better - you'll feel better having the discussion out in the open and then you'll know what issues are remaining and what next steps are. I hope you're pleasantly surprised and that the conversation goes well!
TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow
1. Hunny, babe, sweetie, I need to have a conversation with you about something important to me and I will need your full attention. When is a good time for you?
Assuming he doesn't freak out and actually says at 8 after I play this game/finish work /am not starving..
I wanted to have an open discussion about this because I love you and want open honest communication between each other and to trust each other.
I have heard your comments about not wanting children yet, but I want to share reasons why I want to start now.
** list off research that it is a 20% chance for healthy couples every month, you want x number of kids before menopause, blah blah blah
I also wanted to tell you that I stopped my birth control, and I am sorry that I didn't make you a part of that conversation.
*he will probably yell. Be calm and say I hear you.
How are you feeling about all of this?
Why do you want to wait? What if there is some thing wrong and things don't go as planned?
How would you like us to proceed? *go back on birth control, use condoms, or accept it and start NTNP*
Anyone want to add or edit?
Type 1 Diabetes since 2001, MTHFR hetero A1298T
Dogs: Raider 4 yrs, Dex 4 yrs
BFP #2 7/6/16 SCH, D&C 8/4/16
BFP #3 12/26/16 EDD: 9/6/17
My Chart / My Diabetes/Pregnancy Blog
My Type 1/TTC/Pregnancy Podcast:
Juicebox Podcast Episode 118
A1Cs:
1/12/16 6.7%
5/25/16 6.0%
11/2/16 6.1%
3/22/16 5.8%
4/27/17 5.4%
6/13/17 5.3%
"Sugar Fancy Tutu"
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
FWIW, I had a LEEP done right before getting pregnant with my first, so I wouldn't count on that as keeping you from conceiving...
That being said, I will second what everyone has already said. You need to talk to him ASAP and get into couples counseling. What you're doing is not something that happens in a healthy, strong marriage.
Look, OP, I hear you. You feel bad about going off of BC without telling your husband, as you should. But you also have said several things here that sound like "he gets nervous about this serious conversation, so I figure if I go off the BC and just get pregnant without him knowing that I'm trying, he'll come around to the fact that we're having a baby, and he'll be supportive, and everything will be fine." Which, sure, could be the case, and might be true. But he also might (rightfully) lose it if he finds out that you orchestrated a pregnancy behind his back and leave you. You say yourself that you would lose his trust if he found out you went off BC without consulting him, and that he would potentially stop having unprotected sex with you, which would make it impossible for you to get pregnant, and you don't want that. Those things, to me, don't seem to add up to "he wants to get pregnant without knowing that we're trying to." They add up to "he really doesn't want to get pregnant right now."
You may not think he'd leave you over this, and you may be right. But I have a friend who didn't think her husband would leave her when she was 6 months pregnant with a kid he wasn't committed to having. And yet she's a single mom right now. She told him she was going off the pill, and that if he didn't want a baby he could use condoms, which he declined to do. She also figured that once she was pregnant, or once he saw the baby, he would come around. He didn't. She loves that kid more than anything, and her ex does usually come around for his custody visits, but she would have much rather raised a kid within a happy marriage if she had the chance.
If your husband truly believes that he will eventually be ready, but that he wants it to "just happen," that is pretty normal. But it involves him actually telling you when he's ready, and being aware that he's having unprotected sex. It is really hard to have to wait to conceive when you're ready and your partner isn't, but it's really important that you both be on board. Have you discussed your potential fertility issues with him? If he wants this to "just happen," what happens if it doesn't? If you have to see an RE, he will be required to go through testing as well. Does he want a kid badly enough to go through testing? Or at that point would he give up? Would he be interested in adoption as a backup, or no? These are not fun conversations to have. Which is why you really should look into some kind of counseling if your husband has trouble with expressing himself. You really need to have an honest conversation about this, especially if it could potentially lead to the end of your marriage if your plans are not aligned. 32 isn't old by any means. But it's also not young if the result of this is you needing to start over with someone new.
FWIW, I happily would have had kids 5 years earlier than DD was born. But we weren't even married yet at the time. We had decided that we wouldn't get married until we were ready to have kids, and we agreed that we wanted to have 2-3 kids, but DH just wasn't ready to get started on trying as early as I was. We had been together for 10 years when we got married, and 11 when DD was born. So I get how much it sucks to have to wait to do something. But it is really really important to both be ready - kids are a lot of work and require a lot of cooperation and communication and trust. You don't want to start your journey into parenthood by admitting to your husband that you duped him into it.
You have contradicted yourself several times when replying:
"So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing"
"If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out."
"However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him."
"As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up."
And every time you reply you add in a new excuse/reason as to why what you are doing is ok and justified, but it just isn't. It is completely disrespectful and dishonest.
I'm sorry that this is not the answer that you probably want to hear but you absolutely need to take a good long look in the mirror at your actions and your marriage. If the situation was reversed would you tolerate that kind of deception from your spouse? I know I wouldn't.
Me: 26 Hubs: 28
Married: 6/6/15
Baby Girl: 3/22/2017
I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom?
Because he doesn't wear condoms. From the first time we ever slept together, he hasn't worn one and never will. That's just him. He would just as easily just stop having sex because he doesn't feel the need for it. That is a completely different issue in which I am doing my best to be an understanding wife, bc I DO feel the need for it. Scaring him by telling him Im not on BC when he doesn't understand the whole ovulation thing isn't going to help ease his mind. Like I said, he'd just rather stop having sex all-together.
You have contradicted yourself several times when replying:
"So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing"
"If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out."
Clarify- Wrong choice of words, I dont consider timing a factor when I know I dont even have the chance to get prego. Case in point, the first time he wasnt wanting to pull out, I got off of him because I knew I was around ovulation and didnt want to risk it. This last time we had sex was 2 days before my period started and I knew there was no chance, so I didnt make him pull out.
"However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him."
"As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up."
Not seeing how this is contradictory. I'm not saying just bc my husband wouldn't leave me that I'd do that. I believe I even said that in the next sentence. These two sentences are about 2 totally different things.
OP - I've seen the results of women stopping their BC without informing or talking to their partner. It does not end well, 99% of the time.
I know you said that he would never leave you because you were pregnant -- but you also said that you would leave him if he didn't want kids. If he doesn't want kids, having a child is not going to change that. It will cut all trust between the two of you. You can try to make a relationship work with no trust, but in the end, it'll likely be two adults who live together and co-parent. There won't be a relationship beyond that. You'll basically be separated and divorced, without the actual papers -- and eventually, one of you will get fed up with being alone and leave.
I know you said that there's a slim chance, because of this or that - but all it takes is one well-timed tumble in the sheets. You don't have to have sex a dozen times in your FW to get pregnant. Plenty of women get pregnant with only hitting one day in their FW. Plenty of women get pregnant after having a LEEP done. PPs have proven that to be true.
I have to ask, and I don't mean to be rude when I ask this -- did you guys actually talk about your plans for the future before you got married? Whether you choose to do pre-marital counseling or not, those types of things should've been discussed before saying you'll spend the rest of your life with someone. Having children is a huge commitment, and it should've been something that was discussed a long time ago.
You say you'd make him PO if you were ovulating and happened to have sex. Are you temping to track your ovulation, to know with as much accuracy as possible when your O date is? Period trackers aren't accurate; they're a guessing game. And, in the heat of the moment, what happens if you forget to tell him to PO because you're caught up? And when you ask him to PO, will he just shrug it off, or will he question you and have to confront you about it when you're caught off-guard? You were successful once - doesn't mean it'll be the case every time.
Your husband has been sending mixed signals, obviously. But you don't take matters in to your own hands, regardless of the reason. If you wanted to stop your BC because of the financial burden, or because of the mood swings, then you should have talked to your H and you should have let him know what was going on. You should have given him the opportunity and the option to choose to use condoms.
When I switched from the pill to the patch, H and I had quite a few discussions about what method we should use instead (key not: we, because BC and lack there-of affects more than just you). And when I had to be off BC for a month because the pharmacy took longer to get the patch in - I was up front and told H and we used condoms. If your H has a problem with sitting down and talking to you, then you need to seriously consider counseling to get that worked through. I have communication issues - I'll be the first to admit that. But I have no qualms about sitting with H and talking about serious matters, even if he wants to beat a dead horse and talk about it a dozen times. If communication is an issue now - it'll be an issue 10 years from now, and 50 years from that.
My H sent me mixed-signals for months in the beginning of this year. One breath would be that he still wants to wait, the next would be that he wants to try right now. In the end - I was given excellent advice by some fantastic ladies to not read too much in to his mixed signals, and I stopped letting him pull me around like a yo-yo. Deep down, he wanted to wait. We had a candid discussion and that came to light, and I'm glad I didn't just "take matters into my own hands" and stop BC.
If you're sitting your H down for a conversation, make sure it's on both of your terms and he's not already stressed or angry. Don't point fingers or use judgmental or "end-all" phrases like "it's not an option". There's always an option. If you feel like you're pressuring him, you're going about it wrong. If you're talking openly and not just giving him end-all sentences like telling him you're not waiting five years, and you're not not having kids, and you're not doing this or not doing that -- the conversation will go well. The second you start using demanding phrases like "I'm not", it'll stop.
Instead of "I'm not waiting 5 years", tell him you're concerned that at your age, you're 3 years away from being considered a geriatric patient when it comes to TTC, and after that point, it can be increasingly difficult to try. Instead of "It's not an option for me", ask what is making him feel that way, and what may be holding him back. Don't ever start a phrase will "well, you said" or "you told me". Instead, say "I feel like we had a discussion,..".
You'd be surprised how much further "I feel" can get you in a discussion. I had serious problems with how I approached conversations with H throughout the first 2 years of our relationship. I went to counseling for other things, and one of the things that was brought up was how I approached a conversation and what it got me (or didn't get me). I used the lessons and advice I was given in counseling, and I can tell you my husband feels a lot less attacked than he used to - and I never meant to attack him before. It may not be your intent, but it may be how it comes across.
After your discussion, you may not get the results you want. He may want to wait another year or two. He is half of your partnership, and his wishes matter just as much as yours do. If he says he wants to wait a year - try having another discussion in six months and just asking him if he's having any new concerns or anything that he wanted to talk about, but don't be pressuring and don't tell him that you want to start TTC sooner. When it comes to that year mark, before you just stop BC and start trying because he said so a year ago - have another discussion to be sure.
Honestly, it sounds like a lot of his problems are with communication, and yours are with irresponsibility to boot. I agree with @SienaC that every new response you have is another excuse why it's justified, and nothing is going to actually justify your decision to stop your BC without talking to your H.
Did you explore other BC options? Did you look in to how much they would cost? If you weren't trying to get pregnant, then you would have. You say your husband doesn't understand ovulation, but did you even try to teach him? Or did you just figure he'd never understand it?
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
Honestly, good advice from the majority of the previous posters, however, I'd just like to throw in my two cents. I personally would have told him the minute I decided to go off of BCP, but then again I also know that if my DH was put into this situation would switch to condoms.
This particular point from your recent post concerns me. If you two have these very different sexual needs and he would rather completely ignore your needs rather than "taking one for the team" and wearing a condom every once in a while, he's essentially forcing you to take BCP in order to fulfill your needs. This really squicks me out and this point, combined with the issues in your previous posts, makes it seem like you both are engaging in some form of reproductive coercion.
BFP May 16th 2016
DD born January 30 2017
Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
*tw- child mentioned*
When DH and I were dating we both worked retail. Mid-October to mid-January were always brutal and we barely would see each other. My BCP prescription ended around Halloween and I couldn't get into the OBGYN. I tried scheduling it a couple times, and it always conflicted with work. So mentally I told myself, I will get in after the holidays and I barely see my SO anyways so I bet it won't matter. Well we had sex ONE TIME and honestly using condoms or Plan B didn't even cross my mind because I was frazzled from the holidays. Then I got a BFP a couple days before Christmas. Instead of it being something happy I could share with him, it was an awful conversation. He felt betrayed and coerced and even to this day jokingly will say I did it on purpose. And while I certainly was not intending for a child and wasn't trying to be deceptive, being careless and not talking to him when I couldn't get my appt was unfair to him. If I would have told him, he would have been able to also remember to take precautions. I took all of his power away in the situation and its something i wholeheartedly don't recommend trying.
We ended up being fine and DS is awesome, but it definitely changed the trajectory of our relationship. And now I've been trying for a year to get pregnant with a second having tons of sex and I can't get pregnant. So it's a complete crap shoot sometimes. I just want to have a positive happy BFP story.
DS: 5 years old
TTC #2 since August 2015
July 2016: Testing cycle with 100 mg Clomid = BFN
August 2016: 50 mg Clomid + IUI = BFN
October 2016: IVF#1 - 13 retrieved / 12 mature / 9 fertilized / 2 blasts
November 2016: FET#1 = chemical
January 2017: FET#2 = chemical
March 2017: IVF#2 - 18 retrieved / 18 mature / 16 fertilized / 5 blasts
May 24, 2017: FET#4 - BFP! - Beta #1 151 - Beta #2 503 - Due date 2/9/18
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Reproductive coercion is a serious form of abuse. You two need to get into counseling immediately.
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016
BFP! . jan 2017
DD . oct 2017
"On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol"
I don't have a whole lot to add that others haven't very wisely and sagely already said but, I can't let this go. Getting pregnant while not actively using any form of birth control is not "some miracle," even if you and your husband are having sex infrequently. It happens every single day and as long as you're not accurately tracking your time of ovulation via temping or confirmed by doctor diagnostically, could very well happen to you, and given the emotional disconnect between you and your partner in life goals, could have very serious consequences.
Adopted Furbaby: 2014
TTC#1 : 1/2016 | IUI #2 - BFP 12/24/16 -- born 9/8/17
TTC#2: 11/2019 | Dx DOR (AMH 0.3), AMA
IUI #2 - BFP 7/1/20 -- EDD 3/14/21
1) You are hijacking someone else's thread. Rude.
2) It's against TOU to post pee-sticks and to ask if you are pregnant.
3) Although I shouldn't help you; breaking open a test invalidates it.
ETA 4) Wow super-spammy. You posted 9 of this same question all over the boards?
Fur babies: Phoenix and Yeti (both cats).
September 2016- Infertility Testing
dx: Low Progesterone, Vitamin D Deficiency, Borderline PCOS
Treatment:
October 2016-January 2017- Metformin, Clomid/Letrozole, hcg trigger, progesterone
IUI- 2/17/2017 BFP 3/2/2017!
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016
BFP! . jan 2017
DD . oct 2017
then 3 failed IUIs, and finally a successful IVF FET.
Due with #2 5/2/19 after HIO once in my FW,
because apparently that's how life works now. Team Blue!
Getting back to the topic at hand, I feel like I had a similar situation with DH. He doesn't like to talk about serious stuff either. He's not good with emotions, or having serious convos. We dated for 8 years before getting married, and I knew all of this about him prior to that. Knew what I was getting into, also kind of knew that in regards to kids that he wanted them, but that he's not going to be the type to make a plan or know every single step in the process. I also knew, that he didn't want to wait too long to have them.
Flash forward to 6 months after we got married and I go off of my BCP. Not necessarily because I wanted to have kids, but because I was on that and a strong med for severe hormonal acne, and my doctor advised that if we were going to possibly try to get pregnant within the next year or 2, I needed to start weening myself off of these meds in order to make sure that they are out of my system. (the other med I was on for the acne has been known to cause possible birth defects if you were to get pregnant while on it) So we did that. He was fully aware, and just knew that we would have to be extra careful since I was stopping BCP.
Flash forward again to March of this year. I had completely weened myself off of the oral meds for acne and was able to maintain with topical prescriptions. We had one drunken night of BD, and it just so happened to be within my FW. (that I frantically tracked using the period tracker app on my phone just to see if it was a possibility I could be pregnant) At that point I told DH, and we both had the attitude of, well if it happens it happens, and decided that if it didn't that we were going to keep trying. I got a BFN that month, and then life started to get ridiculously crazy, and we have decided to TTA for a while until things slow down.
I say all of that to say this, OP, my DH sounds a lot like your H. And while there really is no good way to handle this, and it can be extremely difficult, frustrating, and stressful to talk to him about these kind of things just because of the way he is, IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST ABOUT IT. When I was going off of the BCP, DH was upset, and made some comments about that, but eventually he stopped, realized that he was being a man child, and shut up about it. Honesty is always best, and I think the best advice in this situation is for you all to sit down and have an adult conversation just to get it all out there, and to understand each other's point of view. Good luck, and not to sound judgy, but I know you will need it!
ETA: Sentence about tracking
DH: 36
Together since 2007
Happily Ever After 4.30.2015
~~One Beautiful Daughter~~ Born: 11.6.2017
Trying for #2!!
You have I ask yourself what's more important, havin an open honest marriage, or possibly a baby if it means single parenting
I had a lot of time to think about it last night to know how I wanted to bring it up and what I wanted to say. Honestly, the hard part is going to be getting him to sit still and just listen to me. Someone brought up educating him on the ovulation process, that crossed my mind last night too. Seriously, he's a great guy who does a lot for me, but serious convos are very difficult for him. I can already hear him now, me trying to explain the ovulation process..."Gross, gross, i don't need to hear that" lol. I can guarantee that's what he'll say lol. My main point with him is going to be that he may not want to know when/if it happens, but that I cant do this without being open and honest. Right now we're just going at this blindly. He knows I want kids and he says even though he doesn't get why I want them so bad, that it will happen. In my mind I was thinking later this year. He said not that soon, but also didn't say when. So its all kinda just hanging there. Just another little tidbit in here...last time we had sex was 2 days before my period. We were both drunk in Mexico. While we were BD'ing he said he wasn't going to PO and I said I don't think I can get pregnant right now anyway and his response was "I don't care". This is why I say I'm confused. He doesnt want kids right now, then says stuff like that. Yes, I know we were drunk but we're still aware of what we're saying. He still could have PO.
Anyway to continue.. I'm going to tell him that once I switched insurances and had my leep (2 months ago) that I decided I don't want to deal with BC anymore. I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after LEEP anyway, so I wouldn't have taken BC then regardless. Ya'll can yell at me for not telling him I stopped 6 months ago, but to me thats just causing unnecessary issues. The point is that he will know I'm not on it now and that I want to be honest with him and make him aware so that he can make his own conscious choices from now on when we BD.
Thanks again for the input and constructive criticism.