Husband feeling neglected?

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

Is anyone else's husband starting to complain about not getting enough attention? What are you doing to help the situation?

We went through this with the other two kids as well, but I thought I was doing enough this time to prevent it. I make sure that after the kids are in bed we spend at least an hour or two together. I still make him breakfast when I have time, and do laundry and lay out his clothes, little things that I know usually make him feel appreciated.

But dd is only two weeks, and we have a two year old and a five year old. We have a busy house, I get that, and by necessity I spend a lot of time taking care of the kids. My husband is a good dad, but has a harder time relating to small kids at their level, which means more of the childcare falls to me. It works ok, except that now that there is a newborn he resents me not spending time with him. (He's not mad at me, but he's frustrated by the situation). He also hates that we can't have sex and expects a BJ or something else regularly to compensate for that. He asked if we can have a date night next week, but with no family near by I'm not sure I'm comfortable getting a sitter for a 2 or 3 week old baby.

This is our last baby, and I just want to enjoy this phase because it will never come again. But dh is prone to negativity, and I feel like my enjoyment of this time is adding to his struggle with mood. We had family visiting for our son's birthday, and he just sulked the whole time.

I've talked to him about it, but he just says he needs me to "spend more time alone" with him. I'm not sure how to physically do that! Has anyone else dealt with this or found something to help? I need to find a compromise.

(I want to tell him to suck it up for a month, but I know that won't be helpful

)

Tawny87 · July 2016

That sucks! Can you maybe have a home date night and hire a local teenager or two to take care of your kids at home while you watch a movie or have dinner alone or something?

ohiocourtbabymomma · July 2016

No advice really but all I wanted to say is that you are a saint! Honestly, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. Hope you are able to come to an understanding that makes you both happy.

nightwitch · July 2016

Mine has gently pushed for a bj-er. I feel bad because mornings are full of baby feeding and naps because I'm old and this broken sleep crap is a young woman's game, and by the time the kid is finally in his bed, I'm exhausted. And this kid is our only one, IDK how you're doing it, I am in awe of you!

And I get the wanting to just treasure and savor every moment. DS is only 3 weeks old and he's already so much bigger than he was when he was born! Knowing this is our one and done makes me want to freeze time. I was literally crying while feeding him earlier just thinking about how in an eyeblink he'll be 15. IDK how I'm going to manage going back to work and school full time in the fall without losing my shit.

nightwitch · July 2016

Oh and I second the suggestion of hiring someone to mind the kids, but not leaving the house. Maybe get some wine and meat and spend an evening in your backyard (if you have one) while your "supervised sitter" gets your kids down and then if the miracle of all of them sleeping at once happens maybe then you could give your hubs a little attention. But I would negotiate that he give you a rub down first! Men are funny creatures, they really do process that we love them by touching their weiners.

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

Thanks everyone!

I like the idea of an at home date. I could suck it up and stay up late one night after the kids are in bed for that. I'll have to see if dh is up for that. If I really plan it out I think he might be ok with that for now,

peaceinnature · July 2016

I agree that telling him to suck it up for a month probably won't help, but it really sounds like he needs to get over himself.

I'm having such a hard time balancing my attention between my four year old and the new baby's needs. If my H was sulking over not getting more attention I would be telling him he needs to reframe his perspective. As it is my H has been doing a lot of the things I usually do. I let him sleep through the night, but leave a lot up to him during the day. I don't even know how you manage to do all that!

vintagevix2016 · July 2016

You're a wonder woman

I dig the idea of the an in-home date night. I hope it works out for you both!!

huskypuppy14 · July 2016

veggiebabylove said:

I agree that telling him to suck it up for a month probably won't help, but it really sounds like he needs to get over himself.

I'm having such a hard time balancing my attention between my four year old and the new baby's needs. If my H was sulking over not getting more attention I would be telling him he needs to reframe his perspective. As it is my H has been doing a lot of the things I usually do. I let him sleep through the night, but leave a lot up to him during the day. I don't even know how you manage to do all that!

All of this. Your husband needs to get over himself. My husband says he feels guilty for going to work and leaving me to deal with everything myself ( and we only have one baby and a dog). I don't know how you do it. You have to put up with him and 3 kids.

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

I hope my first post didn't sound like I'm bashing or complaining about my husband, I didn't mean for it to. Just trying to find a solution to a hard situation. I appreciate all the sympathy and opinions.

NLewis1 · July 2016

I disagree with the date night in suggestion. Only because I know that if the older kids want to find you and need mommy then they will if they know you are just in the dining room or backyard or something. There's really no getting away from your kids without actually leaving the area. I wouldn't be comfortable with a sitter for my 2-3 weeker either. Honestly I would just try to talk to him and point out all your efforts and remind him that it WILL get easier and he's going to have to be patient for a bit. I would probably throw in a BJ to soften the blow a bit if that's what he wants.

I I like what PP said about men really do equating our live to touching their wieners

purplefan1 · July 2016

I would tell him to go ahead and take care of his needs in the shower. He isn't the only one going without sex and we are even more limited in what we could do to satisfy if we even had the urge to get it on.

TunieBee · July 2016

Sounds like you have 4 children, not 3. Tell him to grow up.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

TunieBee · July 2016

nightwitch said:

Oh and I second the suggestion of hiring someone to mind the kids, but not leaving the house. Maybe get some wine and meat and spend an evening in your backyard (if you have one) while your "supervised sitter" gets your kids down and then if the miracle of all of them sleeping at once happens maybe then you could give your hubs a little attention. But I would negotiate that he give you a rub down first! Men are funny creatures, they really do process that we love them by touching their weiners.

Fuck that. Not all men.

xc1148 · July 2016

TunieBee said:

Sounds like you have 4 children, not 3. Tell him to grow up.

ALLLLLLLLLLL of this. Lay out his clothes????? Is he 4? If he wants alone time, he can take care of the older children, clean the house, pick out his own clothes, fly family in to babysit and plan the date night himself. Goodness I don't understand some people. you're literally not cleared for sex for 6 weeks, he needs to deal.

And yes, it's a hard transition for husbands (it sounds like you do a lot for him) but this sounds like an entirely different level of selfishness.

ahernandez16 · July 2016

nightwitch said:

Oh and I second the suggestion of hiring someone to mind the kids, but not leaving the house. Maybe get some wine and meat and spend an evening in your backyard (if you have one) while your "supervised sitter" gets your kids down and then if the miracle of all of them sleeping at once happens maybe then you could give your hubs a little attention. But I would negotiate that he give you a rub down first! Men are funny creatures, they really do process that we love them by touching their weiners.

Yeeeeah, no. My husband is an adult.

xc1148 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

RED
FLAG

REEEEEDDDDDDDD FLAGGGGGGG

REALLY, REALLY BRIGHT RED FLAG WAVING IN YOUR FACE

mimi_8607 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

I don't think you are doing anything wrong by picking her up when she cries. That's how babies communicate what they need. She is way too young to be letting her basically cry it out. I would have a come to Jesus talk with him. There is no way my DH would be calling my baby a "cranky bitch". That is out of line. My DH cussed at our first when he was a baby and I let him have it. I don't care if they can't understand what you saying. He needs to get control of himself. Babies are hard and you need to stick together as a team or it will fall apart. Good luck to you!

As for @AmberLiz99 I can't even imagine my DH acting like that. He sounds extremely selfish. I get Husbands can act that way because they just don't understand things from our perspective but I feel it is our job too let them know. I've really had to work on things with DH cause he just didn't get it. They need to be told what we feel and want. If I didn't speak up my DH would probably never help out or alway want sex or BJs. Ive learned after 13 years together they don't just know you have too tell them what you expect, want, and need. It sound like he thinks a lot about himself and not about you. I don't care if my husband couldn't relate to small kids his ass would help anyways. The way I see it, it takes both of you to make them and both should take care of them. I made that very clear to DH before we had kids. I would not be left alone raising kids he helped make. I hope you stand up too him some cause you seem like you cater too him.(which is not bad if the same treatment is returned)

ahernandez16 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

QBF

You are not wrong for CONSOLING YOUR NEWBORN. Your husband is sounding borderline abusive and I am genuinely concerned for your daughter. Please get him some help.

WinniethePoohsPants · July 2016

ahernandez16 said:

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

QBF

You are not wrong for CONSOLING YOUR NEWBORN. Your husband is sounding borderline abusive and I am genuinely concerned for your daughter. Please get him some help.

Wss! You're hubs sounds like a total monster.

TunieBee · July 2016

xc1148 said:

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

RED
FLAG

REEEEEDDDDDDDD FLAGGGGGGG

REALLY, REALLY BRIGHT RED FLAG WAVING IN YOUR FACE

You are not wrong. You absolutely should be consoling your infant. Your husband is completely wrong and his behavior and statements sounds extremely concerning.

purplefan1 · July 2016

I love that this thread brought out some of the OGs. I was missing the hell out of some of you.

My heart hurts for any woman who has just given birth to a child and has to focus on the needs of another, fully capable, adult. I'm all about reminding my husband that he is a priority, that we are a team, and that I love him for all he does. But he damn sure does the same for me. And he does a hell of a lot and doesnt ask for anything in return.

No. Just no to so much of what some of you are going through. I'm so sorry that you have their stress on top of your own needs, the needs of a new baby, as well as the needs of any other kids at home.

DSTtots4lyfe · July 2016

@amberliz99 Get therapy. Seriously. The self-abasement in your posts (this and prior) is deeply disturbing. You are a human being, not a pet. Get therapy and probably a divorce.

@aoliveira11 This is a precursor to abuse. Do not, under any circumstances leave your husband alone with your child right now. If he is calling the shots for feedings, nurturing, etc. stop that as well. Given his violent job and behaviors towards your daughter, it is highly likely that he may have some stress that is creating this unsafe situation. And make no mistake, it is incredibly unsafe and sounds like it is already damaging your child through neglect and poor care. Seek immediate help.

Also- what the hell has happened to this board? BJs and cursing out infants? We are women, but even more, we are mothers. ACT LIKE IT.

splsmama2016 · July 2016

So much nope going on.

I understand husbands feeling neglected but seriously, there is absolutely NO reason for anyone to act like an asshole because their dicks aren't getting attention, or call their newborn a cranky bitch and actually mean it, regardless of his job. My DH is a federal agent and deals with the worst criminals on a daily basis. He's never once raised his voice because our daughter was fussy nor has he been irritated that "his wiener" is being neglected.

Im not the kind of person to call someone out for not seeing things for what they are, but there is a lot of borderline abuse going on.

And I second @DSTtots4lyfe wtf happened to the boards?

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

That sounds terrible! Have you sat him down and told him how him saying those things makes you feel? There is no way someone should make you feel bad for taking care of your baby! I'm so sorry. I would make sure you talk to him about that needing to change, because it can have a huge impact on you and the baby, and won't get better as she gets older unless he makes an effort to correct it now.

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

I should have expected the wonderful advice of "get a divorce" since that's the first response of every women on the Internet who hasn't struggled with relationship things with their spouse. It's so great to advise people on huge life altering decisions that they didn't ask about when you know nothing about their real life situation. I'll totally take your suggestion.

As far as laying out his clothes etc, it's not something that he expects me to do, it's something I do because I know it makes him feel special. Much the same way he takes out the trash for me, or helps clear the dishes when I have cooked, or takes the kids to the park so I can rest. When you love someone don't you both want to help each other feel important and loved? I would hope every husband and wife do little things for each other, not because they have to, but because they want to.

if you've never been close to someone who suffers with depression and past addiction issues maybe it's hard to understand wanting to help them maintain a positive outlook when they begin getting overwhelmed. It's a different feeling than just seeing someone who's tired or overwhelmed, because you know what ignoring those signs could mean for them. Is it my responsibility to keep him clean and happy? No. But if I love him I'm sure as hell going to do what I can to help him. I'm not being self deprecating to choose to help someone I love who struggles.

Our marriage isn't perfect, no ones is. But we do have a mutual respect and pretty open communication. Counseling is not something in a stranger to, but honestly this was just a question to see how others had helped each other through similar situations, not a cry for help.

kwife15 · July 2016

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your hubs sounds like an asshole based on what you've been posting. Sorry you are dealing with the situation.

Boonhilde · July 2016

Okay. I'm posting this so I don't forget what I initially wanted to say, but I haven't read the comments yet. Here goes:

He wants you to spend more time with him? If he's looking for attention he can get it from his CHILDREN just like you are. It might be harder for him at this age, but that's not a good excuse. He needs to find activities he enjoys doing with the kids.

Your ENJOYMENT is adding to his struggle?!? No. His struggle is lessening your enjoyment! You're right for being positive and enjoying life. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty about being happy! Holy cow!

"He also hates that we can't have sex and expects a BJ or something else regularly to compensate for that." And what is he doing for you to compensate?

Here's what I'm getting, "Me me me me me me me me." He's being beyond selfish and manipulative for making you feel bad about it. I get that this is a hard time for many dads. They almost don't know what their role is. So here's what I suggest: tell him what to do. You have a 2 week old! And your husband is bored. You're super busy, and he's bored. He needs a job. Put him to work. Say things like, "I'm nursing the baby but I'm starving. Could you make me a sandwich? Oh and grab me my water?" "Our two year old needs a diaper change; can you do that? I'm exhausted." "Our eldest wants me to play with him but I'm making dinner. Can you play PAW Patrol with him?" You asking him for favors is 1. Communicating with him one-on-one. (Half the point of being alone!) and 2. Helping you when you need help anyway!

And, yeah, maybe if you did said, "We'll be able to have more alone time in a month," it'd help.

Boonhilde · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

Im having a similar issue here. DD is an ivf baby and it seems like DH could care less that shes here. She is only 9 days old and hubby refers to her as a cranky bitch when she cries or is fussy. This bothers the hell out of me. He also insists that we just let her cry until she falls asleep. Theres even been instances where she wont take a bottle or breast right away which stresses me out a bit because i know that means shes goinf to be cranky until she's ready. My husband will say something along the lines of shes had her chance to eat so if she doesnt want it, then let her cry. I mean, shes 9 days old...shes kinda calling the shots on what/when she needs something and i feel like he's treating her like one of the criminals he arrests on a nightly basis because he just seems so annoyed. I watched my parents fight about the same type of stuff when my sister was born and they ultimately got divorced. Ive also had a bad case of the baby blues the last couple of days and am gonna mention it to my doctor at my next visit...i dont think its ppd but im struggling to deal with husbands attitude, plus lack of sleep and feeling like im getting no support. I just wish my hubby was more excited about being a parent and calm down with the name calling to our infant. Sorry about the rant. My dh is a good guy and maybe im in the wrong by always picking up DD every time she gets fussy or cries...but it took is so long to get her, idk how to refrain from needing to console her every time she makes a peep

OHMIGOSH!!!!! This is awful! If I were you I'd drag his butt to counseling. He needs to educate himself about newborns. You don't let newborns cry themselves to sleep! I'm so sorry. And I hope you feel better and that your baby blues are indeed just baby blues and that they go away.

Boonhilde · July 2016

Okay. I read the comments.

Sometimes when I go to my pediatrician to see if something's wrong with my children I get defensive. I went to get help and then I start giving excuses. So please don't get defensive. I believe everyone is truly only trying to help. However the fact that you're not agreeing that your husband is a jerk is a great sign. When I was engaged to a creep and people said, "your fiancé is a creep," I'd agree with them and not be mad whatsoever.

I'm sorry your husband is depressed. I've been depressed. I hope he is getting professional help. A LOT of depression is focusing too much on one's self, which is exactly what he's doing! Therapy could help him emensely. Best of luck to you!

adiaz132003 · July 2016

@AmberLiz99 I know men can be poop heads. My DH feels that way sometimes too bit he has been to therapy and can recognize some of his own warning signs. In fact just two days ago we went to get ice cream and he asked to go to the comic store after and I honestly just forgot to stop and wasn't really excited to go anyway cause when DS is in his car seat he needs constant movement and a stroller doesn't fit in that store. He brought it up yesterday saying "I know it sounds selfish but I really wanted to go. I didn't say anything cause I know your focus is on him more now and I have to get over it.". I think it's hard for men the first couple months cause all baby does is sleep, poop or cry when they need something so to a man that translates to boring, dirty, nails on a chalkboard. Once the baby starts being more interesting that seems to be when the dad's come around more. Also I'm sure he's tired and a lot of people get cranky when tired, my DH does for sure. And even if you were the only one to wake up with the kids I bet it still disrupts sleep and he could be emotionally tired too. I say give it time, remind him that the newborn/needy phase is temporary and you will be able to enjoy each other again.

purplefan1 · July 2016

I think this discussion highlights the importance of not overgeneralizing. Saying things like "men need this" or "men don't understand that" perpetuates stereotypes that are not only incorrect but that continue to create a power struggle when it comes to raising children. My husband (and a lot of other husband's) does not equate genital touching with how much I love him. Our conversation, communication, respect, etc shows him how much I love him. And my husband has been a rockstar with our new child. I love watching him do new things that he had never done before and never knew he would be capable (feeding an infant a bottle, changing an explosively poopy diaper on a squirming child, consoling a newborn when neither of us know why she is crying). I'm impressed daily with his commitment to me and commitment to our child. And im disappointed to find out that he isn't the norm. However I make sure to find ways to promote him being dad. I don't always tell him how to do it, or expect that my way is the only way. If he is loving our child and doing his best, then it is the right way. We need to stop resorting to "men are men" and "this is just how it is" and start expecting our partners to be just that-partners. Communication is key. And for goodness sake, never just give sexual favors to appease someone. This advice made my skin crawl and accentuates why rape culture has become so common.

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

June2016BabyW said:

I think this discussion highlights the importance of not overgeneralizing. Saying things like "men need this" or "men don't understand that" perpetuates stereotypes that are not only incorrect but that continue to create a power struggle when it comes to raising children. My husband (and a lot of other husband's) does not equate genital touching with how much I love him. Our conversation, communication, respect, etc shows him how much I love him. And my husband has been a rockstar with our new child. I love watching him do new things that he had never done before and never knew he would be capable (feeding an infant a bottle, changing an explosively poopy diaper on a squirming child, consoling a newborn when neither of us know why she is crying). I'm impressed daily with his commitment to me and commitment to our child. And im disappointed to find out that he isn't the norm. However I make sure to find ways to promote him being dad. I don't always tell him how to do it, or expect that my way is the only way. If he is loving our child and doing his best, then it is the right way. We need to stop resorting to "men are men" and "this is just how it is" and start expecting our partners to be just that-partners. Communication is key. And for goodness sake, never just give sexual favors to appease someone. This advice made my skin crawl and accentuates why rape culture has become so common.

Agree that over generalizing is a huge issue. Every individual and relationship is different, male or female.

Rosehip15 · July 2016

Boonhilde said:

Here's what I'm getting, "Me me me me me me me me." He's being beyond selfish and manipulative for making you feel bad about it. I get that this is a hard time for many dads. They almost don't know what their role is. So here's what I suggest: tell him what to do. You have a 2 week old! And your husband is bored. You're super busy, and he's bored. He needs a job. Put him to work. Say things like, "I'm nursing the baby but I'm starving. Could you make me a sandwich? Oh and grab me my water?" "Our two year old needs a diaper change; can you do that? I'm exhausted." "Our eldest wants me to play with him but I'm making dinner. Can you play PAW Patrol with him?" You asking him for favors is 1. Communicating with him one-on-one. (Half the point of being alone!) and 2. Helping you when you need help anyway!

And, yeah, maybe if you did said, "We'll be able to have more alone time in a month," it'd help.

I agree with this. Even well-intentioned, great Dads can feel lost & useless at this point. My husband (his first baby, my third) who swore he would never do diapers, is now very happy to have a job and is proud to be able to do something for our daughter. I've also encouraged him to do things on his own/his own way (after an initial demonstration, if needed) so they can bond, and ultimately everything won't fall on me. When I suggested he talk the baby with him to the bagel store the other morning, you'd had thought I'd suggested he carry a live grenade, he was so nervous about going out with her alone...but then he did it, showed her off, and was pleased as punch with himself afterwards. And I got 20 minutes to myself:)

AOliveira11 · July 2016

I had a talk with hubby this morning about his attitude and told him to do his research on new born development...the biggest thing being at this age until about 2-3 months, they are going off instinct and can only communicate with us by cries, coos, grunts and other sounds. Its not until that 2-3 month mark they can figure out how to manipulate us into what they want. I also told him that calling our daughter a cranky bitch is not acceptable and other phrases like fussy or cranky pants/baby/girl/britches/etc would be more acceptable and it makes me sad that he is name calling like that and i should be able to trust him with our child, but i feel like i cant even take a shower and rely on him for 10 mins for fear he is just going to let her scream her head off if shes hungry or needs changing because she had her chance to eat and now its time to sleep. He accused me of giving her attachment issues already because im always jumping and reacting to her noises. I thought we were on the same page for parenting and for the most part we are...but he doesnt understand that theres no need to let a newborn cry like a 6 month old. We have a doctors apt today at 1pm for her for a weight check and to look at her eye cuz it looks a little gunky...im gonna bring this up to our doctor about reacting to her cries and getting her what she needs. I will point blank ask if we should just let her cry it out bc i k ow what the answer is....and im hoping hearing it from the pediatrician will open his eyes. If it doesnt...its gonna be time for some counseling and for him to find a new job if hes gonna treat our child like a criminal for doing what comes naturally to her

DeePaddy24 · July 2016

I don't have a whole lot to add that hasn't already been said. But I can't help but question whether you ladies - who are defending the behaviour - would be happy to watch your daughters in a relationship in which she was treated the same way? It just doesn't seem right to me. You're all worth more than that.

purplefan1 · July 2016

@AOliveira11 go girl!

AmberLiz99 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

I had a talk with hubby this morning about his attitude and told him to do his research on new born development...the biggest thing being at this age until about 2-3 months, they are going off instinct and can only communicate with us by cries, coos, grunts and other sounds. Its not until that 2-3 month mark they can figure out how to manipulate us into what they want. I also told him that calling our daughter a cranky bitch is not acceptable and other phrases like fussy or cranky pants/baby/girl/britches/etc would be more acceptable and it makes me sad that he is name calling like that and i should be able to trust him with our child, but i feel like i cant even take a shower and rely on him for 10 mins for fear he is just going to let her scream her head off if shes hungry or needs changing because she had her chance to eat and now its time to sleep. He accused me of giving her attachment issues already because im always jumping and reacting to her noises. I thought we were on the same page for parenting and for the most part we are...but he doesnt understand that theres no need to let a newborn cry like a 6 month old. We have a doctors apt today at 1pm for her for a weight check and to look at her eye cuz it looks a little gunky...im gonna bring this up to our doctor about reacting to her cries and getting her what she needs. I will point blank ask if we should just let her cry it out bc i k ow what the answer is....and im hoping hearing it from the pediatrician will open his eyes. If it doesnt...its gonna be time for some counseling and for him to find a new job if hes gonna treat our child like a criminal for doing what comes naturally to her

Glad you're taking a stand! I hope you guys can work it out and your husband realizes how important it is.

mar101483 · July 2016

June2016BabyW said:

I think this discussion highlights the importance of not overgeneralizing. Saying things like "men need this" or "men don't understand that" perpetuates stereotypes that are not only incorrect but that continue to create a power struggle when it comes to raising children. My husband (and a lot of other husband's) does not equate genital touching with how much I love him. Our conversation, communication, respect, etc shows him how much I love him. And my husband has been a rockstar with our new child. I love watching him do new things that he had never done before and never knew he would be capable (feeding an infant a bottle, changing an explosively poopy diaper on a squirming child, consoling a newborn when neither of us know why she is crying). I'm impressed daily with his commitment to me and commitment to our child. And im disappointed to find out that he isn't the norm. However I make sure to find ways to promote him being dad. I don't always tell him how to do it, or expect that my way is the only way. If he is loving our child and doing his best, then it is the right way. We need to stop resorting to "men are men" and "this is just how it is" and start expecting our partners to be just that-partners. Communication is key. And for goodness sake, never just give sexual favors to appease someone. This advice made my skin crawl and accentuates why rape culture has become so common.

Yes to all of this! Also, your husband is the norm! These poor women have husbands who are so far from the norm, it's horrifying! My husband had his share of problems when he was younger and is not a narcissist. If he was, I wouldn't let him be! Nor would I ever allow his behavior to dictate giving my child poor even neglectful care. As for sexual favors, H will get them if and when I feel comfortable or want to initiate it, not because he feels he deserves it, since we can't have sex! Also, H wouldn't even ask for any right now, because his #1 focus, like mine, is taking care of our son.

xc1148 · July 2016

AmberLiz99 said:

I should have expected the wonderful advice of "get a divorce" since that's the first response of every women on the Internet who hasn't struggled with relationship things with their spouse. It's so great to advise people on huge life altering decisions that they didn't ask about when you know nothing about their real life situation. I'll totally take your suggestion.

As far as laying out his clothes etc, it's not something that he expects me to do, it's something I do because I know it makes him feel special. Much the same way he takes out the trash for me, or helps clear the dishes when I have cooked, or takes the kids to the park so I can rest. When you love someone don't you both want to help each other feel important and loved? I would hope every husband and wife do little things for each other, not because they have to, but because they want to.

if you've never been close to someone who suffers with depression and past addiction issues maybe it's hard to understand wanting to help them maintain a positive outlook when they begin getting overwhelmed. It's a different feeling than just seeing someone who's tired or overwhelmed, because you know what ignoring those signs could mean for them. Is it my responsibility to keep him clean and happy? No. But if I love him I'm sure as hell going to do what I can to help him. I'm not being self deprecating to choose to help someone I love who struggles.

Our marriage isn't perfect, no ones is. But we do have a mutual respect and pretty open communication. Counseling is not something in a stranger to, but honestly this was just a question to see how others had helped each other through similar situations, not a cry for help.

1- Don't you get it? We don't have similar situations because we married MEN not a boy who thinks the new baby is taking away his playtime so he throws a tantrum and wants his toys back.

2- No marriage is perfect, you're right. My husband forgot to pick his dirty shirt off the floor last night. Probably because he was too busy washing the dishes, putting our baby to sleep, holding my friend's 3 month old so she could take a break and eat dinner and packing his lunch before he went into work this morning. There are problems and then there are PROBLEMS, chica.

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