May 2016 Moms

Problematic Parents/In-Laws: Post-partum Edition

13

Re: Problematic Parents/In-Laws: Post-partum Edition

  • Lusitano8 said:
    @Pascal86 the anxiety is real when someone won't hand baby back!

    My ILS insist that they are helping by holding the baby so I can eat. But he's in the other room screaming  and I know he's hungry!! It's driving me nuts. I've tried to menton that I don't mind feeding him and then finishing my meal. I can't sit there and enjoy dinner if he's unhappy waiting for food. They don't get the hint until he's been in full meltdown for a few minutes. My DH says I look like a bitch because I start to get visibly frustrated when this happens. 
    What do I do?!
    Maybe try: "I'd rather have cold food than a baby meltdown"? It's not as if they eat great when they're that upset... all the crying and the frantic gulping once they start eating causes some pretty bad gas. Tell your in-laws that you're trying to prevent him from getting so much gas!
  • Loading the player...
  • Pascal86 said:
    @Lusitano8 - I've handled this by just repeating over and over, "no it's okay, I'm going to hold the baby while I eat," and it gets increasingly awkward and aggressive but I just do it anyway until they give up. My mom had always hated people who won't give babies back to the mom so she's nice and coaches me in standing my ground and being firm. 

    New development though is that MIL just leans over and smothers baby and me in kisses and constantly touches the baby while I'm holding her if I don't hand her over for her to hold, even when I've turned away towards the corner to breastfeed. I don't like people touching me in general, and almost explode with anxiety when this is happening but haven't figured out how to tell her to give me space. I feel bad because at some point I  can't totally keep her away from her granddaughter, but wish she could interact with us in a less in your face way.

    And while I'm complaining... Was just having my first day home alone with baby where I actually felt good and was up doing stuff and enjoying myself, and my husband called to tell me his parents were coming by and then he and his buddy would be over too. Parents were there in under 5 minutes, he and his friend came over a half hour later when I'm back in my bedroom feeding her, and his friend just tried to come back into the bedroom whining that he wants to see the baby. I rarely have people over, and am not dealing well with this parade of visitors, especially when it's last minute and not even my friends. 
    Wow your husbands friend is really bold! A lot of our guy friends get a little uncomfortable around the boobs out! 
    That sucks that people drop by without giving you enough warning. I lie and say we were napping so didn't come to the door. I'm lucky because my DH hates company so he's in favor of this. 

    I'm  going to take your advice and just be direct with people who are holding him. Your mom sounds awesome :smile:

    @dshannah I didn't think to even bring up the gas! I will be using this for sure. 
  • edited June 2016
    Lusitano8 said:
    @Pascal86 the anxiety is real when someone won't hand baby back!

    My ILS insist that they are helping by holding the baby so I can eat. But he's in the other room screaming  and I know he's hungry!! It's driving me nuts. I've tried to menton that I don't mind feeding him and then finishing my meal. I can't sit there and enjoy dinner if he's unhappy waiting for food. They don't get the hint until he's been in full meltdown for a few minutes. My DH says I look like a bitch because I start to get visibly frustrated when this happens. 
    What do I do?!
    Take baby back, you are mom you know baby best. You are baby's advocate. Then eat. Or eat with baby in one hand/carrier (this is my life and how I eat most meals).

    Then read this site and get them to take you seriously as a parent so that won't continue (and to get DH in your side)
    https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

  • @Lusitano8 - Seriously, usually I assume that people understand that our bedroom is off limits - with or without baby, with door shut or open. Apparently I need some signs or something. 
  • Not necessarily problematic, but certainly annoying...

    My FIL insists that DS looks just like him and it just simply isn't true. Every time he sees him it's, "he looks just like me, I can't believe it!" If I post a picture on any social media then he'll comment something like, "looking good, just like me!" Sooooo annoying. Then on Father's Day it was allll about FIL. He posted pictures of him and DS and didn't even mention it was his son's first Father's Day. I am super annoyed.
    TTC#1 January 2013, BFP 7/4/13 MC 8/7/13 D&C 8/22/13
    BFP 5/20/14 CP 5/26/14
    BFP 12/6/14 DD Born an Angel on 7/17/15 at 35 weeks
    An Angel in The Book of Life
    Wrote Down Our Baby's Birth
    And Whispered as She Closed the Book
    Too Beautiful for Earth...
    TTC#2 August 2015 BFP 9/10/15 EDD 5/26/16

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • My husbands very mediterranean family came for 5 days when lo was 4 days old. On day 2 I got screamed at during 2 hours in my home because I wouldn't let them hold the baby enough. I was still pretty weak after my c section and sleep deprived so I ended up crying and gave in. The next days I could hardly hold my own vaby while she was being passed around.I had a c section and while they were comfortablyoccupying the couch I had to sit on the floor or clean the kitchen. The only thing I remember from lo's first week is how horrible it was having them over.thinki g about it now makes me so ragey I wish they'd die.
  • @SophiaAlbert I am so sorry - that is awful. At least they are gone now - put it out of your mind for the time being, bringing back the rage in case they try to pull that crap again. 
  • @clbness lol they bring their dogs too! This sounds terrible, you would think people would know you don't need any more stress. I hope you can take nursing breaks and escape to your room with LO anytime you need some space. Say you need to nurse lying down! Can't your DH drive to the airport?!
  • @Lusitano8 Yes! But honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's just 1 Boston Terrier and she's a pretty good dog. The boat load of people definitely add to the stress though...they are just a bunch of baby grabbers! And DH has to work tomorrow so he can't take her. I just keep telling myself that it's almost over and it's really not THAT BAD because these people love my daughter. *le sigh*
    Babysizer Cravings Pregnancy Tracker


  • My MIL had another rant, however it wasn't in an email to me. I've posted on here about her horrible emails to me and DH. We just had our 2nd anniversary a week ago and for some reason, MIL decided to dig through past facebook posts and repost an entry my best friend made commenting on our wedding day. My friend said she was happy for us and wishes us a happy forever. Like I said, MIL reposted/shared that and then ranted how she has no idea if we have a happy forever because we don't contact her and I am the crappiest daughter-in-law, and they are sick and in pain but I don't care. Then posted an hour later about how one of her college friends dropped her (hmmm, there seemed to be a common theme with this and the common factor is her) I told her to ignore it and let it go; it's just not worth it. I also think it's interesting that she continually blames me when we've been upfront that DH is the one choosing to do no contact. I think it's easier for her to blame me than admit that her son doesn't want anything to do with his parents. I'm glad I'm not on facebook or she'd be harassing me there.
  • I called FIL the other day to let him know that I'll be driving down for a 2 week visit with all 4 kids and possibly without DH. It's over 600 miles. I told him that there are certain days I won't be able to visit (one is my grandmother's 90th bday party/family reunion, 2 other days are my sister's bdays, and the 3rd is to see my brother's grave site and to put my OTHER brother's ashes with it). He acted like such a pissy princess saying, "well, if you can't see us then you can't see us" and "we'll be lucky if you give us 5 minutes to meet our grandson and see the boys". Blah blah blah. I called to ask him to tell me what days he would have off and that I would be as flexible (minus those days) as I can. He has a very random schedule that always changes last minute. Plus he and MIL have made me feel so uncomfortable that yes, they should feel lucky if I take the time to visit. FIL has tried on multiple occasions to get DH and I to divorce. And MIL is effin crazy. 
    DS #1 2010
    DS #2 2011
    DS #3 2014
    DS #4 2016
  • clw617 said:
    @Jparke2 Gah, that sounds about how it would go down at my ILs. And YES parents are all about telling us how easy we have it because back in their day... yada yada. Ugh. I wonder if we'll be that way when we're grandparents.

    So have babies changed or something? My mom was asking how the bedtime routine is going for my 5 week old. I told her how I feed and swaddle and rock to sleep and she said, "can't you just feed him and put him down? If he's fed, he'll go to sleep you know." Gee, that'd be awesome, but that's not happening for me. I guess back in her day, babies just chilled 24/7.
    Dying lol!
  • clw617clw617 member
    @Bellodomani I want to know that life.  :p
  • I'm a FTM and even I don't remember those first few weeks! I vaguely remember trying to watch tv during MOTN feedings and now realizing how stupid that was since Ezra just wants to eat and go back to sleep. 
  • @clw617 Don't worry, my toddler is now more than making up for it by being like some sort of nonstop whirlwind force of pure energy and total annoyance  :s
  • @clw617 Don't worry, my toddler is now more than making up for it by being like some sort of nonstop whirlwind force of pure energy and total annoyance  :s
    I'm loving this because samesies. My toddler was the easiest baby. At 19 months shit got really real and it was like a switch flipped and he's been a force of nature ever since. Sometimes awesome, sometimes I don't even know where to begin and leaves a path of destruction. He's amazing but I'm so scared for two boys with his energy level. 
  • Yep my mom swears that because I have a MamaRoo " I have it made". Yes as it does help and I am thankful for technology and new products
    - a baby is a baby. Babies are just as difficult now as they were 30 years ago . 
  • @clw617 I can usually get DS2 down that way, but DS1 would have none of it. He still usually requires help to unwind before falling asleep. I'm very convinced that there is a strong personality component to how they get to sleep.
  • edited July 2016
     my mom claims all 6 of us were super chilled out babies who put ourselves to sleep
    So they do exist! I thought they were a myth. We are 0 for 2 so I wasn't sure.
    Guess that is why she had 6. 
  • @Bltbear82 You said it perfectly- a force of nature. And I also think it's amazing sometimes- he blows my mind with the way he thinks about things and the ideas he has and especially what he's physically capable of but it wears me out!!

    @kbrands7 Totally agree with the personality thing and how it affects sleep. I really don't think there was a single thing that I did to make these kids sleep this way, it's just seems to be a product of temperament. And my niece, who didn't sleep through the night til 19 months, is now 9 and incredibly brilliant and still super intense. I think when you have a child with that temperament it can be incredibly challenging because all the typical sleep things people tell you to do don't work, so I'm impressed that you made it through and still had another kid ;)

    @camillaandcarson Ha. Seriously. Also she loved being pregnant, which is where we part ways. I will NOT be having 6 kids. 
  • So I went to my dad's house yesterday. We went bc my sister had moved home last weekend and hadn't yet met the baby. We specifically went yesterday bc her bf also wanted to meet the baby and today he had to leave to go back home for a few weeks to finish up with work up where they were.

    My dad and stepmom were out of town for the weekend. I figured whatever, nbd. They've met the baby tons already. Come to find out today, and not even from them btw, that they're pissed I came over yesterday and that I supposedly did it on purpose bc they weren't there bc supposedly I didn't want them to see the baby.

    If I waited till they came home my sisters bf wouldn't have met LO. If I waited till he came back, I would be getting ready to go back to work and not in any position to come out. I figured it was a compromise, but apparently now I'm the bad guy. Bc god forbid they had to come to our house twice... Considering they've only been to our house 4 times since we moved in 3 years ago, I think they can deal.

    Also, apparently bc DH isn't a homebody and went out to hang out with some of his friends tonight MIL is pissed at him bc he couldn't drive an hour to her house to help her move furniture. She didn't ask for help at all till he was already out. And he told her he isn't going over tomorrow bc he said he's taking me and Corbin to see fireworks and she got even more mad, saying it was stupid and a waste bc he doesn't even know what is going on and won't remember. Then proceeded to say it was his fault the door on her china cabinet broke bc he wouldn't come help.

    Nothing like holidays to bring the family together. :neutral:
  • Update for this morning... MIL isn't giving up. She's giving the sob story that she and the person she got to help can't move the piece of furniture and they're sore from moving everything else bc they're old. And she messed up hooking her tv back up. Really? You want him to drive out there... 2 hours of driving just for 10 mins of 'help' if even that? And then you're just going to pick on him the entire time he's there. And then we're going to end up missing fireworks bc where she lives he's going to end up in traffic. It's real convenient how she only texts when she needs help or wants to see the baby. Thanks for ruining LO's first fourth.
  • I may have an opposite problem as most of y'all... my in-laws live 20 minutes away, LO is almost seven weeks old and they've seen him twice... they go see my SIL and bil and their kids once a week and they live an hour away. My hubby did warn me though. He said our kid isn't the first grandchild and his sister is the favorite child... it really just makes me a little sad. We've had a few plans to meet for dinner but they cancel last minute. The really bad part is two weeks ago she said that she'd watch LO on Thursdays, starting this week, so I could go to work. I'm worried she'll cancel.... she usually says my fil isn't feeling well as the excuse because she doesn't want to say that she just doesn't want to... 
  • My MIL is over right now and I just realized she has a bad habit of asking me (while I'm the one holding Isla) if I want to go put her down. Ugh thanks for the suggestion, I'd never figure it out on my own!!! I don't know what her intentions are with it. Does she think she knows better or that I don't know I can put my baby down at any moment?
  • My family is amazing but Pollie has been gaining weight slowly, 7lb 1oz at discharge and at five weeks (last appointment and she seven weeks today) was up only to 8lb 10oz, and if one more of them suggests formula feeding I'm going to scream. My mom formula fed me and my sister so her, my dad and grandmother all keep saying I should switch so she'll gain faster and sleep longer. I nicely keep saying that when her ped suggests it I will but that we do bi-weekly weigh ins because her ped is encouraging breast feeding still
  • Just want to rant about the same thing as usual as my in-laws are here and I'm hiding in the nursery. My MIL takes the baby the second she walks in, doesn't let my FIL hold her when he asks, and then sits there the whole time kissing my baby everywhere, constantly saying she's going to steal her, and never offering to give her back. She ignored me the first few times I say I need to take her to nurse until I just reach in and take her myself. And now my baby smells like her. 

    I I guess to be fair I should add that she's a super loving woman and is so excited to do all kinds of things with my baby as she grows up, and I'm really happy for Sierra that she'll have such fun and involved grandparents. But I'll have to work at constantly holding my tongue about how annoyed I am all the time. 
  • edited July 2016
    I may have an opposite problem as most of y'all... my in-laws live 20 minutes away, LO is almost seven weeks old and they've seen him twice... they go see my SIL and bil and their kids once a week and they live an hour away. My hubby did warn me though. He said our kid isn't the first grandchild and his sister is the favorite child... it really just makes me a little sad. We've had a few plans to meet for dinner but they cancel last minute. The really bad part is two weeks ago she said that she'd watch LO on Thursdays, starting this week, so I could go to work. I'm worried she'll cancel.... she usually says my fil isn't feeling well as the excuse because she doesn't want to say that she just doesn't want to... 
    Protect your baby from these people, playing favorites just hurts everyone (even the favorite golden child/grandchildren).
    Your baby will become the non golden child scapegoat. Their disinterest sounds in the best interest of your own child. 
    Find reliable childcare, not flaky granny who has intense favoritism through the generations. 

  • edited July 2016
    Jparke2 said:
    My MIL is over right now and I just realized she has a bad habit of asking me (while I'm the one holding Isla) if I want to go put her down. Ugh thanks for the suggestion, I'd never figure it out on my own!!! I don't know what her intentions are with it. Does she think she knows better or that I don't know I can put my baby down at any moment?
    One of the grandparents also made negative passive aggressive remarks about me always holding my baby. I am so glad I didn't listen because I don't regret a single moment holding my own baby. It goes so fast. 

    That baby is now a toddler and my holding privileges are limited and few and far between as toddler is full speed ahead busy busy on the go constantly. 

    Enjoy those snuggles while you can :) 
  • @dsmith211 I hope you told MIL no, that she needs to give more notice than that and there is a possibility your response will be no. My MIL was exactly like this when we were talking to his parents. She'd always contact DH if she wanted something and even holiday visits to their house turned into "oh, this needs to get done, and this too, and you know I can't lift this so you should." When he said no, she guilt tripped him and kept bringing it up later that he wasn't there for his parents. Stand up to her early because it's not going to change. Even if LO doesn't realize what's going on and won't remember it, it's what you decided to do as a family. And now, your family comes first, not MIL. If you can't do something, don't want to, or have something else planned, tell her no and don't let her ruin your family's traditions and events.
  • @Pomegranate1983 DH thankfully did stick up for us and did not go out there. She ended up having her lawn guy do it... Lol. DH said he doesn't feel bad for her at all and that he'd rather spend time with us bc the only time she wants us there is when she needs something so it worked out. We ended up just buying grocery store fireworks bc the poor dog was freaking out, but we just did them. LO loved all the lights and DH had a blast entertaining LO. Successful first 4th in this house. :)
  • @dsmith211 Yay! That's great to hear! Glad you enjoyed it :smile:
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"