So I had my first pregnancy dream last night. I dreamed that my DH encouraged me to have a party and invite all our friends to kind of get out of my funk. Then every woman who came to the party was pregnant unbeknownst to me and announced it there. It was awful - I was so glad to wake up. Then I went on fb this morning and my old college roommate posted a photo that looks like she is pregnant with what would be her third. Every pg announcement just gets me and I just can't believe someone can have their third baby and I can't have one. Two years ago my reaction would have been yay. Seeing pictures of happy families enjoying the long wknd also got me bec it makes me think I will never have that. Social media break commencing again now! Lol
Such fun dreams. I was carrying around a basket of eggs and people kept stealing them or I was chasing after people and they kept breaking and I got down to my last egg and then it was empty on the inside.
@SnobunnieMel@TScalei So sorry for the dreams. It's incredibly unfair how your mind makes you live through your anxieties even while you're sleeping. Hugs.
Rough morning here. I would have been 12 weeks today. I keep thinking about all of the cute 4th of July announcements I had been looking into. I was so excited at the idea of being able to announce to our extended families in person this weekend. Instead I'll be inevitably fighting off questions about when we're having kids while trying not to lose it. I'm not sure I can handle it, today especially.
DH is at work and I'm thankful for that because I don't want to remind him and bring him down with me. He's basically told me that he wants me to be able to talk about things with him if I really need to but if I never brought it up we just wouldn't talk about it again because he doesn't feel that bringing it up or talking about it helps. The thing is, it does help me. But luckily I have other people IRL that I can talk about. It's sad that our ways of coping don't match. But I want to be able to understand and respect that for him.
I had a wine and pizza night with my mom, two aunts, and two cousins last night. My one aunt who didn't already know what happened (and only because I hadn't had a good time to tell her) asked when DH and I were going to have kids. It actually didn't hurt too bad because I wanted to talk to her about it (I knew she had a mc a long time ago). Her and my cousins, who also hadn't known already, were really inquisitive about what had happened and also supportive. It felt nice to get things off my chest. I think I've realized that I want to talk about it (to certain people) as much as I do because I don't want to pretend it didn't happen or that it wasn't real. I WAS pregnant. And I don't want to have to hide that fact in the shadows. I'm devastated that it ended. But most of my sadness comes from the 'what would have beens'. Not the actual thought of what happened.
@AliciaGoose - that's what I grapple with the most -what could have been. I just think of all these social events I could have been going to pg with everyone being excited for me. Instead I am going nervous, anxious and slightly depressed hoping no one says anything that will trigger me. I have to say that they have all gone better than I thought though. I hope the same goes for you. You are making great progress by talking about it. I know sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops that I was pg too even though it was just for a short time. Good luck today!
@TScalei Exactly. I feel all of those same emotions at family events. I unfortunately have had some bad experiences already. At my family's Memorial Day picnic (while I was in the process of my miscarriage) I had an older cousin who is always incredibly invasive actually come up to me and put her hand on my stomach and go "Is there a baby in there yet?". I kept it together and to this day I have no idea how. I think I was just in shock.
I'm really hoping this weekend of family events goes better. Social events have become weird triggers for me where I spend almost the entire time thinking about what happened and feeling so weird that all of these people around me have no idea. It's like I decide I want to silently suffer instead of enjoy myself. And I don't know why I've been doing it. Maybe I can break the chain this weekend!
No one said anything to me at DHs picnic about kids so that was good. DHs Uncle made a comment to him about seeing me play with kids, but DH had been drinking and just shrugged it off.
That being said, I seriously failed at breaking the chain. I just got so overwhelmingly sad not long after we got there. I held it together but I literally cried the entire way home. I think I really didn't have a shot this time because I knew if all had gone well we would have been announcing to family at the party, so it wasn't just any normal social event.
Im hoping today's picnic will be better in that regard (meaning less of me just feeling generally sad and overwhelmed). Now I just have to deal with a higher chance of people asking us when we're going to have kids.
@AliciaGoose I'm sorry. Good luck at the picnic today. I hope no one asks any inappropriate personal questions. It's hard, it's so hard and it all feels very solitary. Had a bit of a breakdown myself yesterday. I guess I hadn't thought of Christmas yet and DH and I saw an Christmas episode of a tv show. We experienced the loss all over again, so to speak, as it was the first time we realized we aren't going to have a child in our home this year for the holidays. Christmas is really extra special to me, as I didn't celebrate as a child.
Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 TTC 09/15 *TW Loss mentioned* BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16 MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3 TTCAL 3/2016 Acupuncture 11/16 Dx December 2016: unexplained January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI = BFP #2 01/30/17 Please be a sticky baby! EDD: 10/15/17 Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 Ambrose born on his due date!
@aliciagoose It is so hard, and just when I think things are getting better, something happens to make me realize things really don't get easier. (See rant below)
@reneeannemm I'm very sorry you had these feelings surface yesterday. It's amazing what can be a trigger anymore.
My husband let me know yesterday that his coworker is three months pregnant. She's not a wonderful person. She's rather crass and on more than one occasion has gone on and on about how she would never have kids because kids are awful, she's not motherly, etc. I just lost it. I so want to be a mother and nurture a child. I love kids and want to make my DH a father. It hurts to hear when people who don't want kids (or maybe she changed her mind and it happened easily, of course) are KU left and right, and I'm here trying to get pregnant a third time and hoping it sticks when it does happen.
@reneeannemm I think that's one of the worst parts is that sometimes you know what will trigger you, and though it sucks you can kind of prepare yourself, and then other times the trigger will come from nowhere and catch you off guard. I'm sorry you had one of those moments yesterday. Christmas is really special to me too so luckily my EDD was a couple weeks after. Though I can't say I didn't have ridiculous thoughts of being ready to pop on Christmas and preparing our home for a baby during the holiday season.
@Wishilivedinflorida You also make a really good point about living it over and over. It's like just when you think "hey my good days outnumber the bad and I think I finally am ok" you have a moment and it's like you're resetting all of the emotions and have to go through them again. It's especially hard I agree when I see people who either didn't want to kids or who accidentally got pregnant. It just sucks.
For me it's been really hard,dealing with especially one thing. I have a friend who sings in my choir who got pregnant exactly at the same time with me the first time. This is the trigger I cannot overcome. I just cannot keep it together. Seeing her and thinking that I should be as pregnant as she is, just kills me.
she doesn't go to every practice, but when she came back a while... maybe a month ago..,I just lost it. I had to Hide in the bathroom to cry. A Friend had to come comfort me and then escorted me out and bring me home because I couldn't put myself together.
Now every time I have to go to practice I have to find out if she's coming. if she says she's not coming it's fine. If she says she's coming I just cannot go. I haven't been able to overcome the fear of seeing her again, it overwhelms me, and I come home crying.
Just to three of my friends at choir know what happened to me. I might have to tell the director of the choir ... because she probably wonders why I just disappeared that day saying nothing, and why I keep missing practices when I never did before.
Married 06.21.14 / TTC since 11.15 / BFP 01.03.2016 / MMC 6w5d D&C 02.2016 // BFP 05.06.16 / natural MC 05.12.16 Benched 06.2016-08.2016 / TTC again 09.2016! On a diet. Cranky. BFP 10.02.2016 / NT scan at 12w looked normal / Anatomy scan at 20w everything ok Team blue! / EDD June 11th 2017 DAVID ROGER was born on May 23rd at 37 weeks.
Architect, Peruvian living in Chile. I love art, opera and good chocolate. Started PhD studies in Architecture on 2017. Fur mom of a rescued miniature poodle called Luke Skywalker.
@SnobunnieMel - I remember reading that when it first came out but its such a nice reminder. @reneeannemm - I totally get the holidays too. ): @yolandamunoz- one of my co-workers is KU and due 2 weeks before I would have been. Seeing her everyday is painful.
Re: TTCAL and Your Mental Health
Pretty obvious mind metaphor for my real eggs
Rough morning here. I would have been 12 weeks today. I keep thinking about all of the cute 4th of July announcements I had been looking into. I was so excited at the idea of being able to announce to our extended families in person this weekend. Instead I'll be inevitably fighting off questions about when we're having kids while trying not to lose it. I'm not sure I can handle it, today especially.
DH is at work and I'm thankful for that because I don't want to remind him and bring him down with me. He's basically told me that he wants me to be able to talk about things with him if I really need to but if I never brought it up we just wouldn't talk about it again because he doesn't feel that bringing it up or talking about it helps. The thing is, it does help me. But luckily I have other people IRL that I can talk about. It's sad that our ways of coping don't match. But I want to be able
to understand and respect that for him.
I had a wine and pizza night with my mom, two aunts, and two cousins last night. My one aunt who didn't already know what happened (and only because I hadn't had a good time to tell her) asked when DH and I were going to have kids. It actually didn't hurt too bad because I wanted to talk to her about it (I knew she had a mc a long time ago). Her and my cousins, who also hadn't known already, were really inquisitive about what had happened and also supportive. It felt nice to get things off my chest. I think I've realized that I want to talk about it (to certain people) as much as I do because I don't want to pretend it didn't happen or that it wasn't real. I WAS pregnant. And I don't want to have to hide that fact in the shadows. I'm devastated that it ended. But most of my sadness comes from the 'what would have beens'. Not the actual thought of what happened.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
I'm really hoping this weekend of family events goes better. Social events have become weird triggers for me where I spend almost the entire time thinking about what happened and feeling so weird that all of these people around me have no idea. It's like I decide I want to silently suffer instead of enjoy myself. And I don't know why I've been doing it. Maybe I can break the chain this weekend!
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
That being said, I seriously failed at breaking the chain. I just got so overwhelmingly sad not long after we got there. I held it together but I literally cried the entire way home. I think I really didn't have a shot this time because I knew if all had gone well we would have been announcing to family at the party, so it wasn't just any normal social event.
Im hoping today's picnic will be better in that regard (meaning less of me just feeling generally sad and overwhelmed). Now I just have to deal with a higher chance of people asking us when we're going to have kids.
Why is this so hard?
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
TTC 09/15
*TW Loss mentioned*
BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
TTCAL 3/2016
Acupuncture 11/16
Dx December 2016: unexplained
January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
BFP #2 01/30/17 Please be a sticky baby!
EDD: 10/15/17 Measuring ahead! 10/12/17
Ambrose born on his due date!
@reneeannemm I'm very sorry you had these feelings surface yesterday. It's amazing what can be a trigger anymore.
My husband let me know yesterday that his coworker is three months pregnant. She's not a wonderful person. She's rather crass and on more than one occasion has gone on and on about how she would never have kids because kids are awful, she's not motherly, etc. I just lost it. I so want to be a mother and nurture a child. I love kids and want to make my DH a father. It hurts to hear when people who don't want kids (or maybe she changed her mind and it happened easily, of course) are KU left and right, and I'm here trying to get pregnant a third time and hoping it sticks when it does happen.
Its exhausting to feel this stuff over and over.
@Wishilivedinflorida You also make a really good point about living it over and over. It's like just when you think "hey my good days outnumber the bad and I think I finally am ok" you have a moment and it's like you're resetting all of the emotions and have to go through them again. It's especially hard I agree when I see people who either didn't want to kids or who accidentally got pregnant. It just sucks.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
For me it's been really hard,dealing with especially one thing. I have a friend who sings in my choir who got pregnant exactly at the same time with me the first time. This is the trigger I cannot overcome. I just cannot keep it together. Seeing her and thinking that I should be as pregnant as she is, just kills me.
she doesn't go to every practice, but when she came back a while... maybe a month ago..,I just lost it. I had to Hide in the bathroom to cry. A Friend had to come comfort me and then escorted me out and bring me home because I couldn't put myself together.
Now every time I have to go to practice I have to find out if she's coming. if she says she's not coming it's fine. If she says she's coming I just cannot go. I haven't been able to overcome the fear of seeing her again, it overwhelms me, and I come home crying.
Just to three of my friends at choir know what happened to me. I might have to tell the director of the choir ... because she probably wonders why I just disappeared that day saying nothing, and why I keep missing practices when I never did before.
BFP 01.03.2016 / MMC 6w5d D&C 02.2016 // BFP 05.06.16 / natural MC 05.12.16
Benched 06.2016-08.2016 / TTC again 09.2016! On a diet. Cranky.
BFP 10.02.2016 / NT scan at 12w looked normal / Anatomy scan at 20w everything ok
Team blue! / EDD June 11th 2017
DAVID ROGER was born on May 23rd at 37 weeks.
Architect, Peruvian living in Chile. I love art, opera and good chocolate.
Started PhD studies in Architecture on 2017.
Fur mom of a rescued miniature poodle called Luke Skywalker.
https://www.scarymommy.com/chrissy-teigen-nails-why-you-should-never-ask-a-woman-why-she-doesnt-have-kids/?utm_source=FB_Paid
@reneeannemm - I totally get the holidays too. ):
@yolandamunoz- one of my co-workers is KU and due 2 weeks before I would have been. Seeing her everyday is painful.