experiencing chemical pregnancy

mrsstuessy · July 2016

Hello everyone. I was on the TTGP board for a few months and then moved to the March 2017 board. Looks like I go here now. On June 25th I got a BFP, well several. Today, at 4 weeks and 5 days I started bleeding heavily. It is about as heavy as a normal heavy period day. But the cramping is definitely worse than normal. This would have been our 2nd baby. We only knew I was pregnant for just over a week, but this is killing me today. I am always so sympathetic to other's pain. I never downplay it and always encouraging people to not compare their grief or other feelings to other people's. I don't take my own advice very well I guess. I keep telling myself it is silly to cry and cry over a group of cells I only knew of a week ago. But, I loved my baby so much already. We were so excited. I don't know how to feel. A few things have gone to crap over the last couple weeks, like finances/living situation stuff. So, there was a moment here and there that I thought it wouldn't be the absolute worst thing if this one didn't make it. I, of course, felt so guilty even thinking that for a second and told myself it didn't matter because that would never happen. Today it did happen and I feel like the worst person who has ever lived to have had that thought and then my baby died. I know none of that is rational. I just don't know what to feel, or what to think about trying for another one in a couple months. DH is trying to be very supportive, but I know he doesn't get it. And keeps implying that something I did was the reason. Like, my running or drinking coffee or something else. And that makes me feel like crap. I went to the bathroom today and my whole world changed and everyone else is just living their lives. How can that be? How can the world still be turning the same as always? What is even the point if something like this happens and I can't do anything to stop it?

And here is my practical question. Is there anything I need to do. I just moved and switched HMOs, so I don't even have a doctor here yet. Should I just get through this and then wait for my next period before TTC again? How long does it take to get back to normal after such an early loss? Is it crucial I find a doctor right now? Thanks so much!

AliciaGoose · July 2016

@mrsstuessy First of all, I just want to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and to see you here with us. I need you to know that your miscarriage was absolutely NOT caused by anything that you did or thought. I'm sorry that your DH is implying this. He may not understand the fact that miscarriage is an unfortunately common thing that frequently has no explanation at all. I hope when the time is right you are able to explain this to him so that he knows how hurtful his words have been to you.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your whole world changed and everyone else is still just going about their business. I think that's a common feeling a lot of us here share. Miscarriage (regardless of when it happens in your pregnancy) is an emotionally and physically painful process that often feels so incredibly isolating. I hope you are able to find support and solace here. You'll quickly learn we are a really sad club to be in, but the support we can provide for one another is unparalleled.

In terms of your questions, I'm sorry but I don't have a good answer. I was a couple weeks farther along when I miscarried naturally and was under the supervision of my OB as it happened. The only thing my OB did post miscarriage was track my HCG back down below 5 to make sure the miscarriage had completed. I'm not sure if this is necessary for a chemical pregnancy. Hopefully someone else will be able to answer this for you.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to let yourself cry and grieve. It is normal to be going through the emotions you are feeling. You will continue to feel them. Lean on us or those you can share with in your life when they become too much.

Taggarab · July 2016

Oh no @mrsstuessy! I had looked for you over on TTGP the other day wondering how your journey was going. I am so sorry to hear about this loss.

Your feelings are totally normal. I went through many of the same things in January and still have a hard time not blaming myself for my baby implanting in my tube instead of my uterus. I do think that it can be hard for some men to really relate at least the first time you experience a loss. Please make sure you take care of yourself and this board is really great to work through your feelings and be with other women who have been where you are.

In terms of your practical questions, I wouldn't think a Dr would monitor you for a CP. I would however make sure you keep an eye on how you are feeling, cramping, bleeding, etc and seek out a Dr if you feel something might be wrong.

Hopefulmommy1980 · July 2016

Ian sorry for your loss. Having a miscarriage sucks. It effects you both physically and emotionally. I hope that your husband becomes more supportive.

roxgibbons · July 2016

@mrsstuessy I am so sorry for your loss. A CP is a loss and you have the right to grieve and mourn. Please know you didn't do anything to cause this- drinking a cup of coffee or going for a run would not cause you to lose a pregnancy. I experienced a CP 10 1/2 years ago and it was tough. I knew for a week and one morning I woke up bleeding heavily- the pain was terrible. Like you, I was very upset but others like my ex husband didn't understand the sadness I was feeling or how I could be so sad over a CP. please just allow yourself to feel whatever feeling you're feeling. They are valid and you should be able to feel them. As for your question- I remember my OB just asked to wait a cycle. She did an ultrasound but for CPs there wasn't really anything to see. Unless you start heavily bleeding there isn't too much to be done. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

mamma1614 · July 2016

Hi there. I agree with everything that was said here, one thing I'd like to add is the response that my Dr made when my DH said "alright, assume the position... Yet again" that I think you DH should of heard as well- if the world was all men, there wouldn't be babies at all. No man would be brave enough to go through the stuff we do (let alone what we see in the bathroom if something like this happens, were the first to know). Tell him that

EverythingsBetterOutside · July 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm right there with you crying over a bunch of cells the size of a poppy seed. My husband, too, doesn't get it, but he doesn't have the reminder every time he goes to the bathroom. I spent 2 hours sobbing uncontrollably a week and a half ago when something came out that was much more significant than a normal period and did NOT look like normal period stuff.

As for the doctor, YES, absolutely call them. I also didn't have an OB yet, had just started the ball rolling to look for one. I called the advice nurse at my HMO, and they got me an appointment the next day. The OB did an ultrasound and took hsg betas to confirm what exactly was happening because sometimes bleeding is normal (but really, sometimes you just know) or it could be something else like ectopic. They want to monitor your betas to 0. It's currently 2 weeks since my miscarriage started and my hormones are not doing what they should (way too low for a viable pregnancy, but they decreased then increased). I need to give more blood today, but now mine is looking ectopic. that's so much worse because it means the baby likely was chromosomally normal, just in the wrong place, and I need so much more monitoring and treatments, we're going to have to wait longer to try again (since we're infertile, this was already a long fought for baby), AND my tube and life are in danger.

Ectopic pregnancies are rare, but LIFE-THREATENING,

Cmckenzie · July 2016

I am very sorry for loss. Whether you know your pregnant for a day, a month, or 9. You still experience a loss, and we all have the right to grieve according to how we feel. I still mourn the loss of my babies through CP. Don't let anyone belittle your feelings, or anyone's feelings in a loss situation.

That being said, You did nothing wrong! I know hearing or evening knowing it is not the same as feeling it, but please know that it is true. Sadly, miscarriages/ chemical pregnancies are common.

As for going to the doctor, I wouldn't worry about it to much. Some people even start trying to conceive after bleeding ends, however this depends on their emotional readiness. YOU need to do what you feel most comfortable with. If bleeding lasts a longer period of time, your have extreme pain, or you notice anything of concern then you should go to the doctor.

mrsstuessy · July 2016

It is so comforting to read all your kind words. Seriously, I just keep reading them over and over. I don't have a lot of "mom" friends, or really friends in general right now. I know a lot of people experience this kind of loss, but I don't really know of anyone that I am very close to that has gone through this, mostly because they are not doing the mom thing yet. So, it is great to hear from all of you. Sunday, when the MC started there was some torrential blood when I sat on the toilet. Some very large clots. And the cramps were really bad. Yesterday the cramps were down to a normal heavy period day and I was still bleeding a pretty heavy amount, but there were less clots and clumps and it seemed more like a period. Today, so far, it is getting better still. Still some cramps and bleeding, but not super heavy and a lot of, what appears to be, old dried blood. I cried a lot on Sunday. Basically whenever I was alone and then at night when DH and I were alone I cried a lot on him. Yesterday I only cried when something specific hit me. So, I guess I am already adjusting a bit to this new normal. We went to the parade and fireworks yesterday with DD though, and seeing siblings sets really made it hard. I just wish so badly for a sibling for DD. She is obsessed with babies and talks all the time about her brother or sister (imaginary). Now there is a very good chance I won't be pregnant for her 3rd birthday, in September. That is going to be really hard and I am already dreading it.
Also, poor DH. He was sincerely trying to be nice and helpful to me and he just totally fails in such a "man" way. He is a guy. In general I find they try and find solutions for things. Sitting around talking about being sad or mad is not helpful for him. He likes to find a way to change things so I don't have to be mad or sad. And that is where the impinge I did something came into things. He just wants to avoid having to go through this again so he wants to know what we can do differently. Last night I did some more reading on the internet about chemical pregnancies, because I had finally calmed down enough to get through that. I read to him about it and he understands much better now. And I explained that it really hurts to think that I did something wrong. He gets it.
Around the time that this egg should have been implanting I got a root canal. The doctor prescribed ibuprofen. I took a lot of it for 3 days until all of a sudden I came to my senses and realized I should not have taken that. Who knows if that was the reason. But, it gives DH something to focus on, something to blame, something to avoid next time. I am ok with that. It helps him feel less helpless, so I will give it to him.
Sorry for the novel. It is nice to just be able to get some of this out. Today we are burying my grandma's ashes. She died two years ago, but we wanted the whole family to be together for it and finally we all are. So, it is going to be a really emotional day for me on so many levels. Just trying to get through it.

mrsstuessy · July 2016

Also, as far as the doctor goes I am just going to wait it out. It seems like things are going very normally and I am out of town until Thursday anyway. If I feel like I want a doctor then, then I will call. I picked out my new OB-GYN so I might call anyway at the end of the week, just to get in the new system. And I will mention this and see if they want to do anything about it. But, I feel good just going through this at home. And as far as TTC again goes we have unofficially decided to wait until I get my next period and then see if I am up for it then. I don't want to wait forever, because I really do want this new baby. But, I need to feel some sort of conclusion to this first.

Rileypie · July 2016

@mrsstuessy I'm on your BMB March 2017 and just woke up today with heavy bleeding and cramps....so joining you in the loss department. I'm at 5 weeks. I had a MMC at 8 weeks last time. Ugh it's heartbreaking no matter how far along. I hope you recover quickly and next time the baby sticks. Take care of yourself

mrsstuessy · July 2016

@Rileypie I am so sorry to see you over here! I would have been 5 weeks today as well. I hope you recover soon. It sucks, doesn't it?! Totally sucks.

beary67 · July 2016

@mrsstuessy I am so so sorry for your loss. Please know I'm thinking of you and your family. Take care of yourself, girl!

kirstynikole · July 2016

@mrsstuessy I'm so sorry for your loss and I can relate. I've asked myself if I wasn't drinking enough water, or running around too much, or not taking care of my pregnancy like I should, but then I remember that it's not our fault. Don't ever think your one thought of "maybe this wont work out", is responsible or something you wished for.. because we all have moments of panic when it comes to finances etc.

Please please take time to heal, and a group of cells or further along, it was your baby and you're allowed to cry and feel.

Sending love.

bai-by2019 · July 2016

@mrsstuessy
I don't know that I can really add anything that hasn't been said yet, but I just experienced a CP last month. I never even call it a CP because it makes it sound like it wasn't a pregnancy, and I hate that. But it was. A CP is simply a medical term for a miscarriage before 6 weeks. I can tell you that my pain is very real. We had been trying for over a year (I'm 36 now) and I was OVER THE MOON when I saw the BFP. It doesn't matter how long you knew or how far along you were. You are losing your baby. And you feel it leaving your body. Some of my clots were so big that they caused a splash on my skin when they fell into the toilet. The physical process alone is devastating.

I am seeing a fertility doctor so they are monitoring my hCG levels closely so they know when we can start TTC again, but basically what people said above is correct about the need to monitor your levels until they go back down to 5 (or less). I would at least call your doctor to ask because they might want to monitor you to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. As long as your hCG levels don't go up then you should be in the clear. An ectopic is nothing to mess with.

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and so sorry you have to be here. I am an open book and I'm happy to answer any "TMI" question you may have about what your body is doing; if nothing else, I can be an open ear. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like. You can post here as well. I'm not shy and most of us aren't.

Please TAKE THIS TIME to mourn the loss of your baby and take good care of yourself. This is a REAL thing that is happening to you. And it wounds you physically and emotionally. But we are here for you. None of us want to be here, but I'm so glad I found this group. They've been such an amazing support for me and they will be for you too. Hang in there!

Rileypie · July 2016

@mrsstuessy it totally sucks. I'm giving my self today to throw a pity party, eat junk food, and watch TV all day. But tomorrow I'm getting up and moving on! It's hard to do, but last time I let depression eat me up and it was awful. I hope you find a way to get through it. If you need to talk let me know. Hope to see you again on another BMB :-)

canokr01 · July 2016

@mrsstuessy I am so sorry for you. I am going through the same thing right now. take care of yourself.

mrsstuessy · July 2016

@canokr01 I'm so sorry you are going through the same thing. It is just so hard. My thoughts go out to you.

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