TGIF CHECK-IN: July 1st

TScalei · July 2016

@rainbowturtles- I'm sorry you are feeling down. Don't apologize for feeling selfish (you are not) & we are all entitled to our feelings. And in my opinion we have all been through a lot and are entitled to feel selfish and a little bitter sometimes. I hope you feel better soon!

SnobunnieMel · July 2016

@rainbowturtles we are here to be ears for those type of things. Our mental health thread is also super helpful to know we all feel that way. A lot.

rainbowturtles · July 2016

Gah! Oh wow, waking up and coming in to see all these notifications and kind, supportive words directed at me brought tears to my eyes and I'm fighting my feelings of unworthiness

Thank you so so much. Today is going to be incredibly hectic and stressful (and multiple people have reminded me of such

) but I will be checking in when possible, even if I'm unable to update personally yet. You really are the most amazing group of women and I am grateful to "know" you all

PS: I did start reading the mental health thread when it started and, again, was going to contribute but couldn't gather my thoughts yet. I will catch up there, too, and thought/think it's a brilliant apt topic

amberruka · July 2016

@rainbowturtles don't feel any pressure to contribute, just do what's right for you and remember we are thinking of you. Hopefully next week is better than this one...

rainbowturtles · July 2016

Okay, I think I've found a bit of free time before the craziness starts today! I'll try to keep it brief but this might end up a bit long.

Part of my problem is that I have what could be called "imposter complex", where I never truly feel like I belong, I feel like a fraud, and like people don't actually like me or are just placating me. That's why your kind supportive words meant so much this morning but I still have to fight that part of my brain that is saying I don't deserve it.

Speaking of not deserving things, sometimes I feel like a fraud here or like I don't deserve to be here because I read how long you all have been married or with your SO's and also how long many of you have been trying and since I haven't been with my SO as long as most and we're not married yet (I always use DH because it's easy and it feels right for me and I know we will be married eventually but we aren't concerned with marriage before having a baby). We've *only* been together since November of last year, but it was one of those things where we just know. We are incredibly close and so comfortable and relaxed together. We've been living together for six months already. Our loss in February made us realize how much we want children together (I have wanted a baby my whole life and also had a loss ten years ago which hit me very hard, but it definitely brought the desire out more in DH, who had thought before that maybe he didn't want kids at all or at least was okay with that notion previously). And because of our ages (I'm 34 and he's 39) and because I have health issues that could cause potential risks and have already had two losses, waiting doesn't seem like a smart/good/responsible option. We decided to wait six months (which is now down to two) before trying or NTNP, just to make sure of everything, give us more time together, let DH get his head around it, even though he very much wants this. And it's kind of funny, because even his parents are pushing for it. So even though to outsiders it might sound like it's too soon or fast, and that's where I worry about being judged, we know it is what we want and we know it is right. We just met later in life and we don't want to miss out on an opportunity just to be "traditional" or for appearances, you know?

So anyways, now that's out there and if you ladies don't want me here or think I shouldn't be here then so be it, but I really love it here and love giving and receiving support and hope that you all can be understanding. We all have different paths.

Now just to quickly recap why this week has been so hard. We finally have made the trip up to his parents and I have been very nervous about this trip. Long story short, they have three dogs and we have three dogs so there were six dogs running around and on the first night my dog got into it with one of their dogs and gave him a bloody nose and his mom was bawling and so I was bawling and felt awful and I was so upset about making an awful first impression even though it was nobody's fault. We ended up putting my dogs in a kennel the following day, but I was so worried his parents were going to hate me because of it (because that's what I do) and felt like his mom wouldn't even look at me afterwards (but since has been lovely and isn't mad at all). And I'm just sad and worried about my dogs because the one in particular needs a lot of human contact and is probably not very happy.

And then the other thing yesterday that was extremely hard: I knew that one of his sisters was pregnant and is due only weeks after I would have been if I were still pregnant. I knew that would be hard already. But then we find out that another of his sisters is also pregnant right now

He has three sisters. One has six kids, and the other two have three kids each but now each have a fourth on the way. I had to go to my room and cry. It was too much. My only solace was that DH came and found me and said "It's okay, babe, you'll be pregnant soon enough". That did make me feel better but still really stings when I should be 22 weeks along right now. And also I was making a salad and I had Ryan ask if his sister wanted me to leave the bocconcini out since it's a fresh cheese and she was like "oh no, I don't give a crap about that". And all I could think was that it must be nice to have such confidence in your own pregnancy and the naivety or confidence that comes with never having incurred a loss.

Other than that, the family loves me and I think they're wonderful. I shook off the sadness by playing with their kids in the pool and then having snuggles with the youngest babe while he fell asleep on me. It's been nice watching DH with the kids and he commented about me being in my element with the wee one in my arms.

Thanks again and I hope I'm still welcome here and that my brain is just being a jerk. I'm going to head over to the mental health thread and check some of that stuff out because I've definitely been struggling in that department

TLDR; DH and I haven't been together long but our relationship and our loss and our desire for a rainbow baby is real, relevant, and valid. I miss my dogs. DH's sisters are crazy fertile and I'm crazy jealous and sad. The rest of this trip shouldn't be as hard as the first two days have been despite today being very hectic once more of the sisters and kids arrive.

edited for clarification

mylittleversailles · July 2016

@rainbowturtles I think imposter syndrome is so much more common than we realize and I definitely empathize and understand. Everyone takes a different journey and it's lucky you and your DH found each other (had a similar thing with mine with just knowing and we moved very quickly in our relationship). I think you're just aces - so lovely and wonderful to talk to, compassionate and funny, too. I can tell you've worked really hard to get where you are in life and I respect that and you a tremendous amount. You matter. Your feelings, desires, relationship, experiences and fears are valid. You are welcome here, you belong here.

Vacations are uber stressful for me; I always just want to be home no matter how much I'm actually enjoying the things we're doing. I'm sorry for the trouble with the dogs and I hope you can feel more rested and relaxed for the rest of your Canada Day weekend. So much love to you, lady.

dubcompanion · July 2016

@rainbowturtles I know I shouldn't be posting on here anymore since I'm a grad, but I just wanted to let you know that you matter. Whenever I see you've posted, I look forward to reading because you are such a kind, sweet soul and that echoes in your sentiments. I think it's wonderful that you are here, not just in your personality and support but also the uniqueness of your background and the stories that you bring.

The very fact you are TTCAL means that you are a strong soul who is willing to fight to have the rainbow baby you deserve to have. And you obviously have a SO that's fighting right by your side. That's all that matters, and a marriage and the meaning of marriage pertains only to the two people who are either in it or are considering it. I've seen people married 7 times and it's clear they're either not in it for the long haul or aren't finding the right partners. And I've seen people who have never married their SO's and they are clearly committed to each other, labels be damned. Conversely, I've seen people who were together for years and then divorced soon after, perhaps because they realized they married because they felt pressured to. And I've seen people in a whirlwind romance who have stayed happily married. What's so great about our journeys in life is we're the authors of them. We don't have to mold our stories to fit someone else's. Sure, we can't control every aspect in it, but that just drives us to be even more creative. (I feel like my metaphor is falling apart but basically want to say to make your own way in the world! You'll be happier for it, and you'll still be loved.)

All people of different backgrounds and stories are welcome on this board, and that's why I took to it. I'm quite insecure myself, and it meant so much to me to have found such a loving, awesome community as this one. It's so hard to leave it (as you can tell, lol) but in the meantime, I wish nothing but the absolute best on your TTC journey and all the love in the world.

TScalei · July 2016

@rainbowturtles - you are not an imposter what @reneeannemm said is true we all take different paths in life. What I love about this site is we are all different ages, have been with our partners for different amounts of time and have been ttc for varying lengths of time but we are all united in our desire to have a baby and our shared experience of having suffered a loss.

My heart hurts for you this weekend too what a lot of tough occurrences to overcome. Visiting an SOs family can just be stressful. It seems like you are handling everything well.

rainbowturtles · July 2016

I've been so nervous waiting for a reply since I posted and your reassurance and kind words are just what I needed to hear

thank you so so much to you both and oh man...I am incredibly happy for you @dubcompanion but I am certainly going to miss you tons so please pop in as you wish

The third sister has arrived with the six kids and some baby talk has come up with his mom and such, in that DH is talking about me having a baby and stuff like that and I'm seeing him with the kids and I just want to try more than ever and I'm having EWCM right now and I'm just like ARGGGHHH!!!! lol

Wishilivedinflorida · July 2016

@rainbowturtles I cannot articulate my sentiments about your presence here in any way that compares to PP above. You are so welcome here and you are such a wonderful, positive part of our community. Just know that you are cared about and matter here. You are a strong lady, and I hope that strength carries you through this trialing family time. Sending hugs and love to you.

AliciaGoose · July 2016

@rainbowturtles The only thing I have to add is how proud I am of you for being brave enough to share all of those things with us despite being unsure of what our response would be. Otherwise the PPs have summed their feelings up perfectly above

I'll be thinking of you this weekend and hoping that things go smoothly for you.

ladipale · July 2016

@rainbowturtles - huge hugs from another sufferer of imposter syndrome... I have it so bad in my professional life (I have a PhD and just keep waiting for someone to come take it away) I feel like an imposter here too for other reasons - I have 2 living children. But a loss is hard for everyone, no matter how many kids, or how long you have been with DH/SO.

AND - I feel you on the pregnant sister business. I have 3 sisters, 2 are currently pregnant and it kills me. One is due a week after my due date. I'm not even going to be trying before my due date. Its hard. Your feelings are valid and real and OK. ((((hugs)))

and sorry about the dogs, that must have been tough

nmd9168 · July 2016

Hello everyone. This weekend, we had dinner for my dad and brother in law's bday. (dad on the 4th and BIL on 2nd). It was fairly enjoyable. Lately, I've been trying to figure out whether or not I feel I should seek counseling. I actually had 1 appointment with a counselor. She cancelled on me three times and I got ticked, so stopped even worrying about rescheduling. I felt it like I needed it for a while, but now I'm not sure. I have really bad days where I think I do need counseling, and others where I don't.

Want a personalized experience?

TGIF CHECK-IN: July 1st

Re: TGIF CHECK-IN: July 1st

Choose Another Board

Search Boards