Guilt — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Guilt

I miscarried this weekend at 10 weeks. No one ever talks about miscarriages, how physically painful they are, or about the guilt. How do you move on from the guilt? I feel guilty that I didn't drink enough water while pregnant. I feel guilty that I was so active. I feel guilty about everything, but most of all, I feel guilty that instead of giving my lost baby a proper burial, I flushed it. I was in so much pain that I was vomiting, I was sweaty, DH was calling through the bathroom door insisting that I didn't look at what I was going to see. I panicked and I flushed. It's only been a couple of days but I can't get it out of my head. DH later told me that while he doesn't blame me for flushing, he doesn't think it was the right thing to do. I feel so awful. Does this feeling ever go away?

Re: Guilt

  • I am so sorry. miscarriages are a horrible and scary  thing to go to. I think it is normal to feel guilty. I feel guilt about a lot of things with both of mine. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. You did the best you could in that moment. No one know how they will react when it happens. Once again I am so sorry. 
    bai-by2019doodleoodle
  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2016
    I don't know what may help you with this feeling :( I had a D&C, and I have feelings of regret that i didn't get to see my baby but instead had it sucked out of me :( I found a website that documented pictures of babies at each week that women volunteered from their miscarriage at home. It helped me with closure a bit to have an idea of what my baby looked like.

    Idk if seeing that would help you. But it is a thread called "Website for Miscarriage Options" or something like that, a few weeks ago.

    Hugs to you. You did the best you could in the moment.

    Me: 27 years old            DH: 27 years old
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  • I don't know what may help you with this feeling :( I had a D&C, and I have feelings of regret that i didn't get to see my baby but instead had it sucked out of me :( I found a website that documented pictures of babies at each week that women volunteered from their miscarriage at home. It helped me with closure a bit to have an idea of what my baby looked like.

    Idk if seeing that would help you. But it is a thread called "Website for Miscarriage Options" or something like that, a few weeks ago.

    Hugs to you. You did the best you could in the moment.
    Thank you for the suggestion. I'll think about going to that website. It may help. 
  • bai-by2019bai-by2019
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2016
    @doodleoodle Your MC is not your fault. It's nothing you did wrong. I read your post last night and couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you and wishing I had some words of comfort. I'm afraid that I still don't, but I wanted to say that you shouldn't blame yourself for flushing. You were in the middle of a traumatic situation and did what you normally do when something unpleasant is in the toilet...you flushed. Your husband was basically telling you to do so by telling you not to look at it. I would have done the same thing in your situation. 

    Lets think about this from a different perspective. Think about any other loss of a loved one...while a lot of people need to see a body in a casket for closure, there are times when it's not appropriate; perhaps after a gruesome accident, and the sight of that person in that state would do more harm than good. It might haunt your memories seeing them like that. For you, it might be best that you didn't retrieve the baby.

    This might sound lame but maybe you could take a small box and write a note/letter to your baby, but the note in the box and bury it.

    I really hope you can forgive yourself (you did nothing wrong) and find peace. I am incredibly sorry you are going through this. I'll be praying for you. 

    doodleoodleAmdogger82
  • @doodleoodle First of all, I am so so sorry for your loss. Second of all, as PPs have said, your miscarriage is absolutely not your fault. It's so easy to get caught in that line of thinking, but the unfortunate truth is that these things just happen, and frequently without any discernible reason. I know that doesn't necessarily make the guilt go away, but hopefully it at least helps to hear. 

    Second, I am sorry you are feeling guilty about flushing. I had a natural miscarriage and did something similar. I was actually at family picnic in my aunts bathroom with people standing outside of the door waiting to use it when I passed the sac. I looked at it quickly, pretty positive of what it was, and then just flushed because I felt rushed and unsure of what to do. I still struggle with whether or not it was the right decision. But the truth of the matter is it's an emotional and traumatic event and you don't have time to really 'think' until afterward. I am glad that, while your DH doesn't think it was the right choice, he is still being supportive of you. He can't really understand what it was that you were going through in the moment.
    **Formerly @aliciabhen**
    Me: 26 DH: 24
    Married: November 2015  <3
    TTC#1: January 2016
    BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
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    bai-by2019doodleoodle
  • @doodleoodle
    I'm so glad that you did.  We are here for you any time you just need someone to listen.  ::hugs::
    doodleoodle
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