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May 2016 Moms
yogahh
member
Resentment
yogahh
member
I know we touched on DHs that are not pulling their weight on the PPD thread, but thought I would pull that conversation to a separate thread for those of us that are not experiencing PPD as I don't want to take away from what those ladies are feeling...
I love DH. And I know he loves us. But man, he needs to take a more active role in her parenting. We brought her home 5 weeks ago today. In that time, he has changed maybe 3 diapers. If I ask him to feed her (yes, I need to ask), he will stop when she pulls away and says she doesn't want it. Believe me, she wants it, she is just pulling away to catch her breath. He never gets up with her or puts her to bed (although to his credit, he is the one that checks on her at night. I am a super heavy sleeper, and unless I hear her crying I am dead to the world). When he comes home from work, he almost never welcomes her. He has never come home and said he wants to hold her. In fact, he will only hold her if I ask him to take her off of me for a while. He has his moments, like hovering over me when I bath her to say how cute she is. Or when he comments on her crying. She is not a big crier, and pretty easy to sooth. The other day he had her while I was cooking and she started to cry. He tried for a minute to soothe her, and whe she didn't calm down right away, passed her back saying he tried "everything". He told me I was spoling her the other day because I go to her when she cries.
DH is a teacher, and will be off in August when I go back to work. He will be the primary care taker then, and to be honest, I am worried. He told me last night he has all of July to "practice". This isn't "practice' anymore. Shit is real. She is here. When he said the school year is almost over, then he will be more active, I almost lost my shit. Does that mean when I go to work, I don't have to be a mom? Does that mean that he only has to be a dad for the 2 months he is off a year? WTF?
This week is testing week at the school and his schedule today has him going in late. Instead of saying to me "you've been up since 3:30. Since I don't have to go in until 10:00, why don't you go back to sleep and Ill hang with the baby", he is at the gym. Its like nothing in his life has changed. He hasn't had to give up anything. He gets up in the morning, plays on the computer while I am comforting our daughter, makes comments that she is "fussy", then goes about his day.
I love DH. And I know he loves us. But man, he needs to take a more active role in her parenting. We brought her home 5 weeks ago today. In that time, he has changed maybe 3 diapers. If I ask him to feed her (yes, I need to ask), he will stop when she pulls away and says she doesn't want it. Believe me, she wants it, she is just pulling away to catch her breath. He never gets up with her or puts her to bed (although to his credit, he is the one that checks on her at night. I am a super heavy sleeper, and unless I hear her crying I am dead to the world). When he comes home from work, he almost never welcomes her. He has never come home and said he wants to hold her. In fact, he will only hold her if I ask him to take her off of me for a while. He has his moments, like hovering over me when I bath her to say how cute she is. Or when he comments on her crying. She is not a big crier, and pretty easy to sooth. The other day he had her while I was cooking and she started to cry. He tried for a minute to soothe her, and whe she didn't calm down right away, passed her back saying he tried "everything". He told me I was spoling her the other day because I go to her when she cries.
DH is a teacher, and will be off in August when I go back to work. He will be the primary care taker then, and to be honest, I am worried. He told me last night he has all of July to "practice". This isn't "practice' anymore. Shit is real. She is here. When he said the school year is almost over, then he will be more active, I almost lost my shit. Does that mean when I go to work, I don't have to be a mom? Does that mean that he only has to be a dad for the 2 months he is off a year? WTF?
This week is testing week at the school and his schedule today has him going in late. Instead of saying to me "you've been up since 3:30. Since I don't have to go in until 10:00, why don't you go back to sleep and Ill hang with the baby", he is at the gym. Its like nothing in his life has changed. He hasn't had to give up anything. He gets up in the morning, plays on the computer while I am comforting our daughter, makes comments that she is "fussy", then goes about his day.
Re: Resentment
It might work well as a test-run. He might get that bonding time he needs (and also learn to apreciate your efforts everyday) and you get some you-time (
You are not alone one DHs who doesn't change diapers though - mine has never done it once, but I am oddly okay with it!
I don't really have advice to give, but I do hope you guys can sort it! It sounds very frustrating. But I am sure his daddy skills will kick in if he doesn't have an option!
Good luck lady x
I know for my husband, he's just not good with infants. It's not a cop out for him, it's just our reality. He spends time with our son, but he doesn't really know how to interact with him and honestly (in my case) DS is really only comforted by me...so he always ends back up in my arms.
There is hope though! Something clicked when my first turned 4 months old. DD was interactive, smiling, doing things, and DH was able to help out in a more concrete way. Now that DD is a toddler, they're practically inseparable!
It could just be my children, but the infant stage is (and was) truly proving to be a mama+baby bond fest. It takes time, but it does get better and until it gets better, I totally feel your pain.
If the diaper changing is bothering you, tell him. I know I would! At first my DH seemed hesitant to try and soothe LO, or do much at all. When we talked about it, it wasn't because he was trying to get out if it, it was because he was terrified of accidentally dropping her/not doing things right. Once I assured him I'd help him he felt better and the more he does it the more confident he becomes. I leave LO with DH at least once a day and leave them to their own business. It's really helped him figure out how to be a dad. He's a pro compared to three weeks ago! Perhaps he's just not sure of himself and his dad skills?
Another thing DH brought up is that he feels like "she doesn't like him as much as she likes me". It really bums him out. He knows it will get better (I'm her food source!) but it still sucks for now. I try and hand her off after she's eaten or when she's napping so they get some QT together instead of just scream-fests. I think @Bellodomani reccomended to me to have DH try babywearing and that's been super great. LO loves her wrap, and DH can get writing done and get some snuggle time in.
Having a baby has changed our relationship drastically. I've always prided myself on not needing much or asking for much from DH, which I've reluctantly had to let go of. I have had to say "I need you to do the dishes" "Can you do the nighttime diaper changes?" "I need a beer!" "Please bring me my water". He has not once said no to anything I've asked. I do let him know every day how wonderful he is and thankful I am. If I had the time I'd give him a BJ, but he's gotta take an IOU for a few more weeks until I can figure out how to occupy the dog and baby for fifteen minutes
I still do it now and it's helpful because I'm not resentful of having to do everything. I still have to ask but that's a personality thing. I can't relax if the kitchen isn't clean after dinner. After 10 years I still don't understand why if you unload a dishwasher why the hell can't you also load the dishwasher if the sink is full?!
But also as PPs have said, toddlers are much easier to bond with. DH is amazing with DS1 and even when he was a baby my husband would say he couldn't wait until he was able to talk and play because that's what he was looking forward to most.
ETA because it totally cut off my reply! Helping out around the house is NOT my husbands strong suite, but I get it. We own our own business and he works his butt off doing that so most days I'm pretty understanding. Last night before bed though I got a pinched nerve and OMG the pain I'm in today! I can barely move and putting pressure on my right leg makes me what to simultaneously collapse and hurl. So I asked my husband last night if he could take over nightly duties and you would've thought I'd ask him to give up his right hand! He did manage to transfer her to and from the bassinet so I could feed her, replace her paci and change her twice, but I had to ask him to do all of this and it was done with a lot of cussing, roughness and anger towards her. Not ok! I let him know this morning that that wasn't acceptable. Now here I am unable to move and I somehow have to take care of her while he's at work.
So Tuesday our babies had their 2 month immunizations and we did not prepare or know what to expect. DH has been giving me the silent treatment so we did not discuss it and he dropped us at home and wordlessly left for work.
They both woke up screaming at 4 pm which is a normally scheduled feed time for us, so I figured they were both just really hungry. They didn't eat much at 1 p.m. probably because they were worn out from the shots. When neither of them would eat and were still screaming bloody murder, I knew something else was up. I called the h because I didn't know what else to do. After all, I had two babies screaming in my ears.
I told him to come home as soon as possible because I needed help, after I called the pediatrician and administered infant Tylenol. The only way I could get the girls to be quiet was to put them both in the Moby Wrap and walk around the house in circles very slowly. DH said he would hurry home and bring takeout.
An hour later I asked him if he was almost home and he said he was just leaving work. I was so pissed. I told him to forget the food and hurry home because I needed help and the Tylenol wasn't working. He went anyway even after he didn't call ahead. By the time he got home both the babies have cried themselves to sleep since it had been three hours since they started screaming. My hips and back were killing me because I had been walking around the house Non-Stop with two babies on me. I was also leaking through my shirt because I hadn't pumped in 5 hours. I hada splitting headache from listening to two blood curdling screams. He gave me a flippant apology and was nice to me the next day but I suspect that's only because it was my birthday.
For example: Every day DH comes home from work he wants to take Elle so I can get other things done. It seemed like a nice gesture at first but it's becoming frustrating as hell. Basically, he comes home from work, grabs her, reads a book, plays, and eventually nap, while I empty the dishwasher, finish a couple loads of laundry, put away clothes, and finalize dinner. Sure, it seems like he's helping me at first, but he's really no help at all. I thought about taking a nap, showering, eating, or taking care of my other basic needs when he takes her, but that would still leave me with laundry, dishes, meals, and everything else to take care of when I come back to reality. I'm seriously thinking about making a chore chart for us because I can't keep doing it all.
DD: 05/14/16
The other thing that helped us was a friend's advice: "If you get to chill, I get to chill." It's her mom's principle: when first married she and her husband would come home from work and he'd sit in front of the TV and she'd go make dinner and clean house. Eventually she realized how unfair that was, that they'd both worked all day and wanted to rest, and there was no reason she should be the one to do all the work. So she plopped down on the couch next to her husband, and said, "If you get to chill, I get to chill." Her husband quickly realized how much she'd been doing, and got up off the couch to do housework while she made dinner.
The general principle there is that if there is anything to be done around the house, no one gets "me time" until it's all done *or* you've asked permission from your partner.
It's been working fairly well thus far. DH and I had a serious sit-down about two weeks ago when I was resentful that he had gone to the bedroom to take a nap after work without asking me whether he was needed or whether there was anything I needed. Not as if I hadn't been fantasizing about a nap all day... So I took my friend's advice and explained the you chill/I chill principle, and now things are much, much better.
They spend their days barking to wake up kids, trying to take toddler snacks, eating toddler toys from time to time, eating the landscaping because why not (they throwing it up all over the carpet), playing and destroying $20.00 toys/bully sticks within 5 mins, and napping blissfully and peacefully all paws stuck in the air whenever the mood strikes them.
I fix all meals/snacks for them but that isn't enough, they wake me up at ridiculous hours demanding to eat (before the sun is even up). And I even give them pedicures but they don't appreciate it.
They are cute and will sometimes help clean up after a toddler meal, so there is that.
(Just kidding about all of this but it wasn't it wasn't so much fun to clean up cow pie diarrhea out of the carpet today from one of the dogs eating stuff they shouldn't while dealing with a toddler and infant on my own).
DD: 05/14/16
I'm not exactly worried about this just trying to stay aware. My H mostly works from home and so we have both been around and available for LO since she was born. The thing is, she is a total mommy's girl and is very clingy so I handle nearly all of her care. He is wonderful about diaper changes and tries to help as much as he can, he is always interacting with her and it's sweet but he just can't soothe her at this stage. Plus I'm EBFing and we've only just introduced a bottle every other day which he's been giving her with medium success. All this to say, he is handling the bulk of pretty much EVERYTHING else around the house. Dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, trash/recycling and dog care. He says he is happy to do it and I'm so grateful but I'm worried he might feel resentful but not want to tell me since it's not like my life is easy with the baby 24/7. We don't split shifts with her, it's all me all the time. Sometimes I just worry that I'm somehow being an asshole because our division of labor isn't conventional and Im not fulfilling the role society says that I should. I know I need to start leaving them alone to figure each other out but Im having major separation anxiety. I keep planning on starting tomorrow with it and then putting it off. Like I'm telling myself Ill walk the dogs and leave Holly and my H at home together without me for a bit this afternoon but I really don't want to do it.
Communication has been key to making sure we aren't getting resentful around here. Both of our roles have changed so much and on top of that neither one of us feels like we are doing a very good job at life. DH feels like a failure because he can't make LO happy like I can, I feel like a failure because I can't cook or clean like I usually do. We talk to each other a lot about how we are doing, what we need, etc, so there's not many opportunities to get too pissed off.
I have also had a really hard time leaving her with DH, I can't really enjoy myself fully while I'm away. I went out with some girlfriends last week and I just wanted to come home the entire time. I have found that doing something close to home has been working better for the time being. I'll take the dog for a walk, or go to the coffee shop (downstairs from our apartment) with a book. I'm absolutely dreading going to a concert without LO next week.
I finally caved and scheduled an appointment with a therapist after having some major panic attack-feelings earlier this week (thinking it probably has something to do with the fact I hadn't eaten all day, had four cups of coffee, and was running on 4 hours of sleep), but with my general anxiety about leaving her it seemed like it couldn't hurt.
Sorry I'm not more helpful, just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat!