How to deal with the mil

swahine · June 2016

Since my husband and I discovered we were pregnant our lives have turned into a whirlwind. We are looking for our first home, I am potentially changing careers, so many stressor with the excitement of our new family member (our first.) I have lost both of my parents..most recent beung my mother passed away in 2010 (I am 34 now). Since then my mother in law has been acting as a stand in mom and I do appreciate it but since the pregnancy announcement she has gotten out of hand.
She has to be with us at every potential home viewing, she calls my husband 4 or 5 times every day (he always answers his momma), if he does not answer she bombard us with texts assuming something horrible has happened. Now as we look at our potential homes she is calling the guest bedrooms her room! I have found out she is planning on staying with us after the baby is born! Big problem is my husband is all for it. I have expressed that I don't want this to happen but all I hear is "she just wants to help and we are going to need it." We are in our mid 30's, we are adults, we have jobs. What do I do.

fiscally3 · June 2016

Also could you get some advice from your SIL or BIL? I'm sure your MIL must've done this with them too. Even though my BILs aren't married, I've actually found them really helpful in understanding my ILs, in somethings they understand how to approach them better than DH does.

You do need to get DH on your side, I know in the past I've pointed out how he would feel if my family put us in the same situation (not sure from your post if you have siblings or extended family that could help or visit). Which suddenly the picture becomes much clearer.

You could also explain to your MIL that the guest room will not be setup in time for babies arrival (its a low priority on your to do list) and will be where you are storing all things while you unpack them. That you would love the help of getting out of the house a few times a week rather than live-in help, especially since that can be daunting (or if you are on any pain meds and cannot drive). So maybe she could pick you up and take you target or the grocery store. Help you at the mall with holiday shopping. Take you out to get a coffee. All those things you want to do, but may not be able to do on your own at first.

I have to say even after having three kids, I really didn't want anyone cleaning my house (minus hired help), doing laundry, or cooking in my kitchen (bringing food from another kitchen totally helpful!). I was super happy to have my mom, MIL, or a sibling hold my baby so I could have two arms free to eat ice cream, sip coffee, and feel back to "normal".

comealongponds · June 2016

You tell your husband to nut up and get his mother to dial it back a few levels. There's a difference between help and taking over, if someone needs to spell it out for her then he should do it.

TeamJyler · June 2016

I would maybe find some private time with her and just be honest. And trust me, you will want AND appreciate the help, but set boundaries. Maybe let her know that once your husband goes back to work would be the best time for her to come help. I have never had the luxury of help post partum, and I truly wish I had. My anxiety is through the roof wondering how my other half's family is going to be once the baby is here. I feel like they stand back a bit with me because I'm very self sufficient and assertive (ok, I'm damned stubborn) but that has been built out of necessity, not personality. I am hoping they can realize that in time or we can have an open dialogue about it before I am left isolated once again, post partum.

You have to decide what compromises you're willing to make and let your wishes be known. Don't speak through him, you're a part of this family and have every right to make your own voice heard.

MrsMaryK2016 · June 2016

I think your first hurdle is getting your husband to see your point of view and understand your reluctance for all this "help". If he's not on the same page as you then you're going to have a hard time getting MIL to mind boundaries since he'll be more likely to let things slide. You guys need to have a very frank conversation. Even if he disagrees with you, he should respect your wishes.

Leash14a · June 2016

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Kittens22 · June 2016

There's one response above that suggests having a private chat with her- sorry but I don't think that's a good idea... from how you described her, she seems like the type of personality that would not handle a private confrontation well, no matter how gently you feel you're being. I agree with the pp's who say your husband needs to be the one who does it, and probably that he should "feel like it's his idea" somehow.

Chcaggie1 · June 2016

I would definitely suggest speaking with your husband. You MUST be a united front going into this new season. Go into the convo with hubby with an open mind and be willing to compromise. Ok she wants to come stay with you when baby comes. What does that mean?? You and hubby need to define what it means and let her know. He may be thinking 3 months, maybe you could live with 3 weeks. You will want the help (I certainly did!) but I would be clear up front what you all would like from her so that once its time for her to go home there wont be any surprises. And absolutely I think hubby needs to take the lead on the conversation with his mom.

jenesiso · June 2016

The daughter in law/mother in law relationship is going to hurt each other's feelings at some point in your life. Tell her how you feel and move on. She will get over it. If its anything like my mom and sister in law, she's more concerned with staying in the baby's life than losing it all for being a controlling nosy twit.

jarethinafrock · June 2016

Chcaggie1 said:

I would definitely suggest speaking with your husband. You MUST be a united front going into this new season. Go into the convo with hubby with an open mind and be willing to compromise. Ok she wants to come stay with you when baby comes. What does that mean?? You and hubby need to define what it means and let her know. He may be thinking 3 months, maybe you could live with 3 weeks. You will want the help (I certainly did!) but I would be clear up front what you all would like from her so that once its time for her to go home there wont be any surprises. And absolutely I think hubby needs to take the lead on the conversation with his mom.

Basically this.

I know that when my kid was born, I was very appreciative of all the help I could get. My mother stayed with us for a week and I cried when she left. I would definitely have your husband talk to his mother and see what she has in mind and how long she is planning on staying before you turn down her offer.

Katemr1146 · June 2016

I agree with getting on the same page as your husband. I'm going to disagree with some of the other ladies and say I didn't want or need anyone to stay with me after my son was born. It would have been a bigger burden than help to me. I'm assuming she lives nearby if she's coming to your showings, so there's no reason for her to have a room in your new house. I would schedule showings without her and let her know when you've narrowed it down to one or two.

Katemr1146 · June 2016

Oh and good luck! The mother-in-law relationship is a tough one to navigate.

The only other thing I would say is to also remember that if your child gets married, you will one day be a mother-in-law too. I try to remember that sometimes when I want to wring my own MILs neck.

swahine · June 2016

Thank you all for the replies! I really appreciate it. I do agree that my husband and I need to be on the same page. I am just very frustrated that this decision was made without consulting me. She just seems to think that it is what is supposed to happen. Her "home" is about two hours away but her and my fil have a home here as well and spend most of their time here to spend with their other grandchild (my 10 year old niece). I am going to try the talk with the husband and make it seem like his idea route to see if it works.

Leash14a · June 2016

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Muscatmommyof4 · June 2016

I agree with @Katemr1146 and @Leash14a not everyone needs or wants help I know I didn't with any of my kids and I made it very clear from day one. My family is across the United States so all I have is my husbands family and for the most part I do have him deal with his family especially MIL and FIL because when I do they complain to DH about me so for his sake he deals with them but if your DH is not on the same page I would say something before your baby is here! Good luck!

MrsBigTime · June 2016

It is very sweet that she wants to help, and I sincerely hope she hears your heart when hubby assures her you and him have got this covered!

IMO "help" with a new baby means: making dinner, taking care of the pets, cleaning your house, bringing you water, etc and it does NOT mean holding the baby every second they can. I think it is the parents best opportunity to establish trust and a rhythm with their new baby and that they should do all the care (within reason - unless you feel like you need a break!). We don't owe our new babies to anyone else and often times, our parents make us feel like they get to "help" by simply snuggling the newborn, when really, that baby should be no where except on your chest!

Again, this is just my opinion, but if you think your MIL at all will overstep your role as a brand new mama and inhibit your ability to calmly care for your baby, I urge you to convince your DH to insist that your home be your sacred place for a matter of days/weeks.

A girlfriend of mine just told her in-laws that no one gets to stay at their house for a month, and it fibbed to my MIL about my due date because I knew she'd be there in the hospital, and that was the last thing I wanted (to sum her up, on one visit when my DD was an infant, she took her from my arms and said "I'll take the baby, you go clean." I thought my house was already clean!) and my husband said they had to stay at his sisters.

These situations often become awkward, but it's most important you and your husband feel like you are bringing your baby into the cozy, extra stress-free environment you want to!

jarethinafrock · June 2016

I will clarify my statement. When my mother (who has had eight children of her own) stayed with me to help, she helped. She cooked every meal, she cleaned, she drove us to appointments, she brought me water often to make sure I was hydrated, she showed us how to give the baby a sponge bath and other things we were not super confident with, and she watched the baby so I could shower. She never once asked to hold my baby and her presence was never annoying. I'm sure other grandparents want to just sit and dote on their new grandchild but that wasn't the case with my mum.

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