@Kennedy0830 that is so whack!!! Remind me, weren't you the one getting constant texts from your BIL? Please tell me these two things are related...
You are correct, however, They are not related. The BIL situation has stopped and is my sisters husband. He was just trying to be overly helpful and we actually really get along. SIL is a completely different story - DH and I have never had a relationship with her and yet because we have a child she somehow thought that would bring us closer (she never asks how we are, it's just always about the baby). I think it's because she has an obsession with having a baby girl someday (she's someone who has 5 girl names picked out for her unborn girls as if you get a choice in the sex of your child) and we stole her thunder so she's living creepily vicariously through us. Again, there is definitely a social aspect lacking there but DH's family has ignored it for far too long and are just now saying something might be wrong.
In laws were here for about 6 hours yesterday and I'm still recovering. Gotta give it to you mamas that have them staying with you...
MIL is a know it all. And overbearing. She means well so I let it slide.. But some of the things I got questioned on yesterday - baby drinks cold formula (I make a days worth ahead of time and just grab a bottle when she needs one). MIL is "shocked" and told her when she stays with them she will warm up her milk. - at bedtime I rock her while feeding her. MIL, in her questioning tone, goes "that doesn't upset her stomach"? - when she sees me swaddle her asks if that will hurt her arms and laughs
While I'm trying to get Harper to sleep her and FIL hover over us in her super small room, taking ... It's bedtime. We need quiet!
So needless to say, I couldn't handle more than a few hours.
Also yesterday I sent my mom some pics of Harper. Her reply? " thanx". No question on how I am after surgery. No questions on how baby is. Nothing but a thanx. Not even spelled right! Why do I try?
My MIL has come by twice since LO was born. When my mom comes by she watches LO while I rest and usually leaves within the hour. MIL just holds the baby when he's sleeping and stays all day. I can't help but feel like I have to entertain her for hours.
It's always been that way when my ILs come to visit.... They just come to sit and hold the baby. They dont offer to help with anything. My mom will help with things around the house or bring dinner, etc. Very frustrating. I never look forward to my ILs visiting.
Yes ... When mil comes all she wants to do is sit for hours upon hours and hold DS. At first I felt like I had to entertain her , now I just go upstairs and get things done. It just would be nice if during that long stay she offered to help in other ways besides holding him.
My father is a real piece of work. We haven't really gotten along since I was about 12 and now he hates DH too. (Long story). DH tried to reach out with LO was born by calling him to tell him about her birth and the man hangs up on him. Then a day later I get cc'd on an email to my stepmom from my father of the year calling me "the single greatest disappointment of his life" and also telling my stepmom he wants a divorce and is blaming me for it. WTF. The last time I contacted him was on his birthday in Feb (no response from him from my call or email) and yet somehow I am to blame for him wanting my crazy (yet a bit lovable) stepmom out of his life.
He thinks DH wants to keep his grandchild away from him (DH doesn't) and despite explaining to him over the last four years that this isn't the case he still hangs on to this absurd notion. Sad thing is- is that now that DD is here I don't want to expose her to this spiteful, bitter old man who has no respect or regard for her parents. His irrational fear became a reality because he is so hateful but I just don't need his drama in my life anymore. I'm out!
@Kennedy0830 so sorry that you have the same SIL as I have...really, she sounds exactly like my SIL and my MIL (the whole back story was described in the original problematic in laws post). There really is no fixing people like that and it truly is not only a social problem (at least not for my MIL and SIL but is a serious psychological problem as well). We didn't tell MIL or SIL that DD was born, when I tried to be the bigger person and send them an ultrasound back in October we got no response from either of them. Still, trying to be the bigger person I sent them a Christmas card, a notice that we were moving from CA to VA with our new address, and send birthday cards for both of our nieces. DH called his dad and told him DD was here and he called his grandma (MIL's mom) to let her know as well, so we know damn well that SIL and MIL know that she's here (they never even asked for her due date to know when to expect her and had no details in regards to the pregnancy other than the mere fact that I was expecting). DH gets a text from SIL after we haven't heard from them in months on Mother's Day (4 days after DD was born) and she has the nerve to tell DH he's the shittiest person ever for not wishing his mom and his sister a happy Mother's Day and told him that he's a POS for replacing his mother with my mother (wtf?) and that my mother didn't carry him for 9 months and raise him. Didn't even mention DD, couldn't even say "hey, congrats on being a dad" before laying into him. Just like always, it's all about them and their feelings, never about anyone else. I wanted to reply to her saying "hey bitch, I know you're all pissed about your shitty brother not telling you and your mom happy Mother's Day even though when we asked you a year ago to back off a tad and give us a little privacy you responded by telling us to never talk to you again and took us off your will to take the girls if anything ever happened to you or your husband, but by the way, he pretty much forgot to tell ME happy Mother's Day and I pushed his effing 9lb kid out of my twat just 4 days ago...he was a little busy in the hospital taking care of me and our daughter who had a few medical issues, but I forgot...it's all about you." However, this would've gotten us nowhere and they'd still be the same psychotic bitches that they always have been, so I didn't go there. He simply didn't respond, good riddance.
@ncm0328 seems like we definitely have some selfish in laws.... I'm sorry you are dealing with them. That's when you know people are so selfish when they feel the need to mess with a family who JUST had a baby and are adjusting to a whole new life. I'm shocked even more because it seems like your SIL has a child so she should know how hectic it is at this point!
@ncm0328 seems like we definitely have some selfish in laws.... I'm sorry you are dealing with them. That's when you know people are so selfish when they feel the need to mess with a family who JUST had a baby and are adjusting to a whole new life. I'm shocked even more because it seems like your SIL has a child so she should know how hectic it is at this point!
She has two girls....one of them just turned 4 so it's not as though she forgot how difficult this time is since she did it ages ago, it's been a few years, boggles my mind. It is absolutely absurd, the selfishness is real; sorry that you're dealing with that as well! Hopefully your SIL pulls it together or can just leave you guys alone.
I've been reading through these posts and realize I have it much easier than most people do on here. I do need to do a little rant though. DH and I don't talk to his parents. They don't even know DD is born (that I know of) and DH is fine with that. We are temporarily living with my parents as we took over their lease on a duplex while they finish building their retirement home. My dad will be living in their new home full time in July after he retires and my mom will be there on the weekends, then living with us during the week until September. My parents love spending time with their new granddaughter and they are a HUGE help with household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry). I don't think DH and I would have survived these first few weeks without their help. The one thing that really irritates me though is my mom constantly talks. She works in the afternoons so she is home with me in the mornings and the evenings. I have always known she is a talker but now that I am home with her more, it is so much more apparent... and annoying. She talks about what she is thinking, what she is doing, describes everything in detail, and gives the back story to the back story of whatever she is telling, even repeats stories I have heard from her more than once or twice. There is family drama going on with her immediate family so I get to hear about that and hear about her making things into a bigger deal and festering about what her sisters, brother, sister-in-law said (or didn't say). I don't mind listening and I can be a talker myself but I like my peace and quiet. I also have about 120 pages a week to read for an online class. I'll be holding DD, pull out my books to read, and my mom will go on about whatever is the latest in her family or with their house. I was really frustrated when a friend I hadn't seen came over to see me and DD and 10 min. into her arrival, my mom waltzes in, plops down and says "Well, I won't drone on but let me tell you about..." For the next 20 minutes she talked about a funeral she and my Granny went to that day. Neither my friend nor I knew the person who had died. My friend only had an hour to visit with me and nearly half of that time was taken up by my mom. And my mom didn't really even know this friend of mine. I find it interesting that she complains that my Granny (her mom) lacks social tact and sometimes, I see it in her too. Grrrrr.
I've been reading through these posts and realize I have it much easier than most people do on here. I do need to do a little rant though. DH and I don't talk to his parents. They don't even know DD is born (that I know of) and DH is fine with that. We are temporarily living with my parents as we took over their lease on a duplex while they finish building their retirement home. My dad will be living in their new home full time in July after he retires and my mom will be there on the weekends, then living with us during the week until September. My parents love spending time with their new granddaughter and they are a HUGE help with household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry). I don't think DH and I would have survived these first few weeks without their help. The one thing that really irritates me though is my mom constantly talks. She works in the afternoons so she is home with me in the mornings and the evenings. I have always known she is a talker but now that I am home with her more, it is so much more apparent... and annoying. She talks about what she is thinking, what she is doing, describes everything in detail, and gives the back story to the back story of whatever she is telling, even repeats stories I have heard from her more than once or twice. There is family drama going on with her immediate family so I get to hear about that and hear about her making things into a bigger deal and festering about what her sisters, brother, sister-in-law said (or didn't say). I don't mind listening and I can be a talker myself but I like my peace and quiet. I also have about 120 pages a week to read for an online class. I'll be holding DD, pull out my books to read, and my mom will go on about whatever is the latest in her family or with their house. I was really frustrated when a friend I hadn't seen came over to see me and DD and 10 min. into her arrival, my mom waltzes in, plops down and says "Well, I won't drone on but let me tell you about..." For the next 20 minutes she talked about a funeral she and my Granny went to that day. Neither my friend nor I knew the person who had died. My friend only had an hour to visit with me and nearly half of that time was taken up by my mom. And my mom didn't really even know this friend of mine. I find it interesting that she complains that my Granny (her mom) lacks social tact and sometimes, I see it in her too. Grrrrr.
Sounds like my MIL. Woman can talk about nothing for hours. And everything is "fabulous".
I've been reading through these posts and realize I have it much easier than most people do on here. I do need to do a little rant though. DH and I don't talk to his parents. They don't even know DD is born (that I know of) and DH is fine with that. We are temporarily living with my parents as we took over their lease on a duplex while they finish building their retirement home. My dad will be living in their new home full time in July after he retires and my mom will be there on the weekends, then living with us during the week until September. My parents love spending time with their new granddaughter and they are a HUGE help with household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry). I don't think DH and I would have survived these first few weeks without their help. The one thing that really irritates me though is my mom constantly talks. She works in the afternoons so she is home with me in the mornings and the evenings. I have always known she is a talker but now that I am home with her more, it is so much more apparent... and annoying. She talks about what she is thinking, what she is doing, describes everything in detail, and gives the back story to the back story of whatever she is telling, even repeats stories I have heard from her more than once or twice. There is family drama going on with her immediate family so I get to hear about that and hear about her making things into a bigger deal and festering about what her sisters, brother, sister-in-law said (or didn't say). I don't mind listening and I can be a talker myself but I like my peace and quiet. I also have about 120 pages a week to read for an online class. I'll be holding DD, pull out my books to read, and my mom will go on about whatever is the latest in her family or with their house. I was really frustrated when a friend I hadn't seen came over to see me and DD and 10 min. into her arrival, my mom waltzes in, plops down and says "Well, I won't drone on but let me tell you about..." For the next 20 minutes she talked about a funeral she and my Granny went to that day. Neither my friend nor I knew the person who had died. My friend only had an hour to visit with me and nearly half of that time was taken up by my mom. And my mom didn't really even know this friend of mine. I find it interesting that she complains that my Granny (her mom) lacks social tact and sometimes, I see it in her too. Grrrrr.
Sounds like my MIL. Woman can talk about nothing for hours. And everything is "fabulous".
My mother in law has this super power too. Even goes from one topic to the next with zero transition whatsoever. It's jarring.
I've been reading through these posts and realize I have it much easier than most people do on here. I do need to do a little rant though. DH and I don't talk to his parents. They don't even know DD is born (that I know of) and DH is fine with that. We are temporarily living with my parents as we took over their lease on a duplex while they finish building their retirement home. My dad will be living in their new home full time in July after he retires and my mom will be there on the weekends, then living with us during the week until September. My parents love spending time with their new granddaughter and they are a HUGE help with household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry). I don't think DH and I would have survived these first few weeks without their help. The one thing that really irritates me though is my mom constantly talks. She works in the afternoons so she is home with me in the mornings and the evenings. I have always known she is a talker but now that I am home with her more, it is so much more apparent... and annoying. She talks about what she is thinking, what she is doing, describes everything in detail, and gives the back story to the back story of whatever she is telling, even repeats stories I have heard from her more than once or twice. There is family drama going on with her immediate family so I get to hear about that and hear about her making things into a bigger deal and festering about what her sisters, brother, sister-in-law said (or didn't say). I don't mind listening and I can be a talker myself but I like my peace and quiet. I also have about 120 pages a week to read for an online class. I'll be holding DD, pull out my books to read, and my mom will go on about whatever is the latest in her family or with their house. I was really frustrated when a friend I hadn't seen came over to see me and DD and 10 min. into her arrival, my mom waltzes in, plops down and says "Well, I won't drone on but let me tell you about..." For the next 20 minutes she talked about a funeral she and my Granny went to that day. Neither my friend nor I knew the person who had died. My friend only had an hour to visit with me and nearly half of that time was taken up by my mom. And my mom didn't really even know this friend of mine. I find it interesting that she complains that my Granny (her mom) lacks social tact and sometimes, I see it in her too. Grrrrr.
Sounds like my MIL. Woman can talk about nothing for hours. And everything is "fabulous".
My mother in law has this super power too. Even goes from one topic to the next with zero transition whatsoever. It's jarring.
Ditto for my MIL. She's a pastor's wife (and I was too until my husband changed careers 3 years ago) and I think her head is so full of secrets and personal info that people constantly share with you as a pastor's wife and she sees me as the only repository for all of it. She was up here last week and was just constantly giving me updates on people I barely know and how they are struggling with infertility/ dying from cancer/ lost their job and there's just no tactful way to get out of these conversations! I spent a lot of time "napping with the baby" up in my room i.e. reading the New Yorker and watching Netflix.
So glad we have this thread to vent. And good to know we're not alone dealing with dysfunctional families of origin! Big hug to each and every one of you.
I've mentioned on a previous thread that my mother and I came to blows when she visited DD and I two days after birth. Disagreements turned into accusations (as they usually do with her), which escalated into me asking DH to see her out. Since then we've called each other a few times but that's been the extent of our contact.
My parents live a plane ride or long car ride away from us; any simple, short or spontaneous visits are not possible. Given that my LO was born early and hasn't had her two month vaccines yet, we are avoiding crowded and overly germy places for her immune system. This makes air travel and rest stops as impossible at least for a few weeks still (until we get the all-clear from her ped).
Just last week I got a call from my sister, that my mother's health has taken a turn for the worse and she's been hospitalized for her heart. While this is terrible news I never wanted to receive, it doesn't magically solve 30+ years of strained relationship either. I feel guilty about still being angry, resentful & annoyed, but I am.
The one phone call I've since had with my mother was peaceful for about two sentences before she started blaming me for not visiting her, accusing me of being selfish and even worse keeping her grandchild from her. She completely disregards that traveling with LO, as well as exposing her to a hospital environment, is simply not possible right now.
Long story short, she once again succeeded in making me feel like a shitty daughter and I have to deal with the conflicting feelings of negativity because of it. My father has been his usual passive self about it (ugh) and I feel bad about ranting to DH because he lost his mom and has an "appreciate them while they're there even if they drive you insane" attitude.
I'm also sorry for my daughter most likely not getting to experience the nonna relationship growing up, that is so sacred in Italy. It terrifies me to think that there's a possibility she might resent me one day too. I really want to build a happy, healthy and caring relationship with her as she grows older. Hopefully my one lesson out of all this will be how to break this cycle with my own DD.
My mom has generally been pretty amazing during this time, especially encouraging me with breastfeeding Ezra... but yesterday were having a little dinner for DH's birthday and he mentioned being anxious about going back to work today and my mom said that it would be good for him to go back to work because I'm "a little lazy and she needs you to be gone so she will do stuff"... you know, stuff like taking care of a baby all day and keeping the house clean and the laundry (including the CD laundry) and keeping Era fed and happy all the time and keeping the dog and the cat happy and reminding him of appointments...I could go on. dh made it clear he didn't think I was lazy and actually thought I was doing a ton for someone who had a baby a month ago but it just grounded my gears a little. I'm a SAHM until September and I'm wondering is this what full time SAHM's deal with? People thinking your lazy?
DH and I don't have contact with his parents. I've shared what our past and present relationship with them has been like. I've had some interesting experiences over the last month regarding my in-laws.
At the hospital, one of the nurses was the mom of a classmate who was a few years ahead of DH from his K-12 school. When DH was there, she asked what he was up to, what her son was doing, etc. When DH left to run errands (I was in the hospital early to be induced and spent a day and a half getting to 5 cm), she politely asked if his parents had changed (I can't remember her wording but she did it in a much less awkward way). She went on to tell me about when DH was in 8th grade, she was chaperoning a field trip. When DH got on the bus, his mom got on and made a huge spectacle about how the chaperones need to keep an eye on him because he's never been to a big city and she doesn't want him getting lost. The nurse said she could just see DH sinking in the seat from embarrassment and she felt so bad for him. She also shared that it would be frustrating to go to events because his mom would get in front of everyone purposely and block others from taking pictures while she was getting DH's picture. Needless to say, his mom definitely had a reputation and it was not a good one.
Second thing that happened is when I went to look for an email I had deleted in my trash box, I found two emails from his mom that were sent in the last 2 weeks. (I blocked her email last year so all her emails go directly to the trash box). The first was to me saying she ran into an old classmate of DH's and when the classmate asked about DH, his mom got sad and started to cry. She had to tell the truth and told the classmate what I am really like. The classmate was surprised and said she thought DH would be working at NASA. The emailed ended with "You really are a terrible person." The next email was sent a week ago and included quotes on parents and children, being a good person, biblical quotes, and results of a survey on why men and women leave relationships due to various "deal breakers." No explanation, no personal words or message. The crazy just doesn't ever end.
@pomegranate1983, random question.. Do you use gmail? I also blocked my mom from email and didn't realize blocked addresses go to trash? I'm curious to see if she emailed me and wanted to ask you how the blocked mail works..
My mom is here for a few days. She is bipolar so I won't leave the babies alone with her, but I'm legitimately glad to have a little help because DH is back at work this week. But she keeps commenting on our lack of planetary friendliness. We're using disposable diapers because, well, we have twins and they take up all laundry time. She told me her mother cloth diapered 8 children with nothing but a washboard. We're using paper plates and silverware because real dishes are noisy and have to be washed. She even commented on the fact that we are cooling a nursery we aren't using yet. Excuse me while I use this paper towel to clean up my babies' dribble. Mother nature will understand.
My mom is here for a few days. She is bipolar so I won't leave the babies alone with her, but I'm legitimately glad to have a little help because DH is back at work this week. But she keeps commenting on our lack of planetary friendliness. We're using disposable diapers because, well, we have twins and they take up all laundry time. She told me her mother cloth diapered 8 children with nothing but a washboard. We're using paper plates and silverware because real dishes are noisy and have to be washed. She even commented on the fact that we are cooling a nursery we aren't using yet. Excuse me while I use this paper towel to clean up my babies' dribble. Mother nature will understand.
Every new mom gets a Mother Nature pass, and twin moms get two. you should just look your mom square in the eye while throwing away unused paper towels for the fun of it.
Also, do anyone else's parents and/or in laws keep insisting that baby (or babies) is too cold!?
It's June in texas, ma. They can hang out in their diapers.
Yes. Even though it is winter here, it IS coldish and we have tiles in our house and no central heating, it's still not THAT cold. I am not wrapping him in too many layers. Point. He will show me if he's feeling cold...
This is Africa - stop pretending like it's snowing!
@khochanadel : we were getting that, but with 'are you sure you gave him enough to eat'. ILs are from Florida (we're in Canada), and somehow being cold never crossed their mind, especially that one time we were in a freezing room. Go figure...
I believe I wrote about how I lost it on my in laws when this very incident happened, and how they ditched us after 4 days while I was still in the rehab unit when they had told us they'd stay as long as we'd need them to. Well can you believe it's been 2.5weeks since they left and they never bothered calling? When they were facetiming us every night before that? DH is livid...and I'm not impressed. These are the people who just couldn't wait to be grandparents and had been harassing us for the past 5 years about grandkids...
I just saw a phone call coming in from my in laws house... Refused to answer because it's not worth answering and hearing BIL talk. I can't stand my BIL.
My parents have been a HUGE help, and so amazing since delivery day... And now I'm ready for them to stop. My mom just tells us she's coming over every day. I didn't have anything for her to do this afternoon, so now she's sitting in the nursery holding the baby until she goes to sleep. I told her she can hold her as long as she wants, but she wakes up as soon as you put her in her crib and the going to sleep process starts over then, so it's not helpful to just hold her as a method of getting her down. In other words, we don't need help right now. You can go home and stop acting like you're running our household.
Not so much a problem with my mom as is with DH. My mom respected our wishes of giving us some time before she came down to see the baby, plus she has to wait till after my brother graduates this weekend. So she is finally getting her tickets to come down and will be here on the 23rd. I'm excited for her and my brother to finally meet the baby.
Bc she came down for my shower she now doesn't really have the money to stay at a hotel and rent a car like previously planned, so she's staying here at our house. Of course DH is having a nervous breakdown bc she's staying here now. Saying it's so inconvenient and she needs to stay somewhere else, blah, blah, blah. She's only going to be here 4 days. 2 of those he won't even be home.
He's always so inconsiderate when it comes to my mom and brother visiting bc he just sees it as an inconvenience. If I'm lucky I get to see them once a year bc they live farther away. He doesn't get it bc all of his family is 2 hours away at the most and he gets to see them all the time. I wish he could just deal for a few days without making everyone completely uncomfortable so that my mom can meet her first grandchild. I was hoping he could step up and make this drama free for me but wishful thinking I guess.
Last chime in from Mom's visit - she's now on her long trip home.
Before she left, she asked me why we have the girls on such a rigid schedule; why we don't just let them sleep and feed them when they are hungry. Said she didn't understand why anyone would wake a sleeping baby. She also told me while one twin was screaming as I situated the other, that my sister in law never let her babies cry so long.
I have TWO gd babies here. They are on a schedule because if they weren't, we would never have time to eat or sleep. We aren't *that* rigid with it. We will deviate up to 45 minutes sometimes.
@yogahh, yes, I use gmail. I didn't realize this until I blocked her and a few months later was looking through trash and saw her emails. Part of me wished her emails didn't come through at all. Another part of thought, well, I have documentation now in case she really went off the deep end and threatened me/DH.
I finally spoke with my mom. I haven't spoken with her since a few days after having Harper- she hasnt tried even calling to see how either of us are. After the yelling stopped, I told her I would still like for her to meet Harper. She said she would need to think about it, and called me back to say she would come up today through weds. She was looking for a hotel as of last night m. Just called me to say she decided not to. She doesn't want to spend the money to "go somewhere I'm not welcomed". Just like my wedding, when she didn't want to spend the money. I'm tired of having a monitory value placed on me. While dh isn't welcoming her, I am... And isn't spending time with me and Harper more important than your issues with my husband? I know I've said it before but I'm done. Im so hurt and sitting here crying. She keeps sending Harper clothes. Buying clothes doesn't make you a grandparent. How can she not want to put her ego aside for three days to spend time with this amazing lil girl??? I really don't get it. But she will spend the money to come up here unannounced in January?? What kinda games are we playing? And why does she keep continuing the drama by playing the victim game?
@yogahh I am still so sorry you are dealing with this. Just take a moment to know that Harper has a mother that loves her and will never hurt her like that. Your daughter will only know love and she has YOU to thank for that for being a stronger, more loving mother than the one you have.
Why do people kiss babies in on the face/mouth?! Germs people! I don't know where you've been, I'm not usually a germaphobe but I find it gross. End rant
My mom has been helping me a ton with the baby. I'm super thankful.
Now that that's out of the way, she's driving me nuts. She's slowly crept her way into coming to my house every day to see the baby for various reasons (bringing me food, trying to solve DS' witching hour issues etc). I'm mad at myself for letting this happen. I'm thankful she stayed at my house for 2 days and 2 nights so we could get sleep while she took full care of baby.
But omg, she literally calls every damn day now to check on if he's sleeping or eating enough. If I say that he's refusing to nap then she brings up how he was SOO good for her and ate and napped constantly and how he was SUPER easy. In other words, making me feel like a crap mom and making herself feel like a super mom. Then when she's over, she finds crap to nit pick about. For example, I had him in a K'tan with legs out hug position, he was napping peacefully and she told me I was cruel to let him sleep like that because he looked uncomfortable! UM HELLO, if he was he would be crying and not sleeping!! She's not familiar with baby wearing. And that's just one thing she's not familiar with.
All my life, she literally compares herself to me (body image, life, what have you) and I swear I think she is jealous of my life. It's sad because shouldn't you be proud that your daughter is a successful adult?!? Yet, she always finds ways to put me down, to stomp my ego and show me that I'm not good enough or inadequate. Honestly, I think she wants me to need her. I'm an only child. It sucks.
DH is getting so sick of her, next time she tries to talk crap about us in OUR house again. She's getting kicked out.
Before that happens, I'm going to slowly wean her off from coming every freakin day. Visitations are weekends only, that's if we're not busy or just want to chill around the house. UGH I feel like such an idiot for allowing her to creep her way in like this.
My in-laws just came back from out of town and met our baby for the first time when they took us it to lunch. Have baby to grandpa right away, grandma quickly took over. Could not get baby back from grandma. I said like five times I could take her back and she just kept saying, "no, I got her!" And then, "no, you eat while I hold her, just relax!" Because I can totally relax when somebody is refusing to let me have my two week old daughter back. My husband finally got her to hand her back over and our baby has food stains all over her outfit where grandma dropped sauce while she ate her appetizers. This is going to be a long summer with the grandparents in town. I'm pretty laid back about people holding my baby, but don't know what to do when I repeatedly ask for her back and just get denied, never felt anxiety like that before.
@Pascal86 My mother-in-law does this too and it makes me insane!! She also makes jokes about "stealing" the baby and taking her back to California. My husband and I have both tried to be pretty clear about the fact that we don't appreciate this type of behavior but it's like she can't help herself or something. We have always had a great relationship, but with both babies there's been some tension around this issue because it just makes me absolutely nuts. And like you, I have no problem with other people holding the baby, last night I went to a baby shower and I basically didn't see her for 3 hours because she was being passed around- the difference is that if I asked anyone to hand her back, they would have gladly done it without dumb jokes or protesting or fake dodging me to take the baby away.
@Bellodomani sounds so familiar - my MIL lives in Hawaii most of the year and keeps telling me she'll take the baby back to Hawaii so I don't have to deal with her. I know she can't just take her, but even her talking about it makes me nervous. And also, I wouldn't have had a baby if I didn't want to deal with her. I keep telling her to get her own baby in a joking way, but also for real. Stop trying to take my baby!
@Pascal86 the anxiety is real when someone won't hand baby back!
My ILS insist that they are helping by holding the baby so I can eat. But he's in the other room screaming and I know he's hungry!! It's driving me nuts. I've tried to menton that I don't mind feeding him and then finishing my meal. I can't sit there and enjoy dinner if he's unhappy waiting for food. They don't get the hint until he's been in full meltdown for a few minutes. My DH says I look like a bitch because I start to get visibly frustrated when this happens. What do I do?!
@Lusitano8 - I've handled this by just repeating over and over, "no it's okay, I'm going to hold the baby while I eat," and it gets increasingly awkward and aggressive but I just do it anyway until they give up. My mom had always hated people who won't give babies back to the mom so she's nice and coaches me in standing my ground and being firm.
New development though is that MIL just leans over and smothers baby and me in kisses and constantly touches the baby while I'm holding her if I don't hand her over for her to hold, even when I've turned away towards the corner to breastfeed. I don't like people touching me in general, and almost explode with anxiety when this is happening but haven't figured out how to tell her to give me space. I feel bad because at some point I can't totally keep her away from her granddaughter, but wish she could interact with us in a less in your face way.
And while I'm complaining... Was just having my first day home alone with baby where I actually felt good and was up doing stuff and enjoying myself, and my husband called to tell me his parents were coming by and then he and his buddy would be over too. Parents were there in under 5 minutes, he and his friend came over a half hour later when I'm back in my bedroom feeding her, and his friend just tried to come back into the bedroom whining that he wants to see the baby. I rarely have people over, and am not dealing well with this parade of visitors, especially when it's last minute and not even my friends.
@Pascal86 I HATE when people drop by, or in your case, with little to no warning. It's rude and frankly when I'm home alone with my 2 kids and people drop by without warning, I don't answer the door. MH thinks it's a bitch move. I call it common courtesy, and no I don't care if they're family!
Eventually you'll have to have the lovely discussion with your H about boundaries and what you're comfortable with. Your feelings should be heard and respected.
@Bellodomani sounds so familiar - my MIL lives in Hawaii most of the year and keeps telling me she'll take the baby back to Hawaii so I don't have to deal with her. I know she can't just take her, but even her talking about it makes me nervous. And also, I wouldn't have had a baby if I didn't want to deal with her. I keep telling her to get her own baby in a joking way, but also for real. Stop trying to take my baby!
Wow sounds like my dad! He has said several times he wants to raise my son and give him back when he's 5. I haven't said anything but it's super annoying. I have told my mom that if my dad says that again, then don't be surprised if DH goes off on him.
Why do they act like our babies are dogs that can be rehomed or given away. It's not even funny to joke about that. Feeling lonely? Get a damn dog.
@jenly17 seriously - I had to have a hard talk with my own parents when we bought my grandparents house a couple years ago, just two minutes from them. It took a lot of reminding and some hurt feelings before they got the message that they can't just stop by/walk into our house unannounced whenever they want. They finally got it, but that has gone out the window since the baby's been here because they are "just helping us out." So hard to deal with that and also try to get husband to set boundaries when my parents are so bad about it. But at least I feel more comfortable talking to my parents about this stuff.
@Lusitano8 - I've handled this by just repeating over and over, "no it's okay, I'm going to hold the baby while I eat," and it gets increasingly awkward and aggressive but I just do it anyway until they give up. My mom had always hated people who won't give babies back to the mom so she's nice and coaches me in standing my ground and being firm.
New development though is that MIL just leans over and smothers baby and me in kisses and constantly touches the baby while I'm holding her if I don't hand her over for her to hold, even when I've turned away towards the corner to breastfeed. I don't like people touching me in general, and almost explode with anxiety when this is happening but haven't figured out how to tell her to give me space. I feel bad because at some point I can't totally keep her away from her granddaughter, but wish she could interact with us in a less in your face way.
And while I'm complaining... Was just having my first day home alone with baby where I actually felt good and was up doing stuff and enjoying myself, and my husband called to tell me his parents were coming by and then he and his buddy would be over too. Parents were there in under 5 minutes, he and his friend came over a half hour later when I'm back in my bedroom feeding her, and his friend just tried to come back into the bedroom whining that he wants to see the baby. I rarely have people over, and am not dealing well with this parade of visitors, especially when it's last minute and not even my friends.
I was thinking about this because I'm similar- when people get too close to me I can't stand it! It's awesome your mom is so supportive too, it definitely makes things easier when you have one parent/IL who isn't nuts. heres my idea. Next time MIL gets all up in your business, just turn away or walk away. If she asks why just say "well, you're really getting into our personal space". Make it obvious, almost like you're shaming her.
Re: Problematic Parents/In-Laws: Post-partum Edition
MIL is a know it all. And overbearing. She means well so I let it slide.. But some of the things I got questioned on yesterday
- baby drinks cold formula (I make a days worth ahead of time and just grab a bottle when she needs one). MIL is "shocked" and told her when she stays with them she will warm up her milk.
- at bedtime I rock her while feeding her. MIL, in her questioning tone, goes "that doesn't upset her stomach"?
- when she sees me swaddle her asks if that will hurt her arms and laughs
While I'm trying to get Harper to sleep her and FIL hover over us in her super small room, taking ... It's bedtime. We need quiet!
So needless to say, I couldn't handle more than a few hours.
Also yesterday I sent my mom some pics of Harper. Her reply? " thanx". No question on how I am after surgery. No questions on how baby is. Nothing but a thanx. Not even spelled right! Why do I try?
He thinks DH wants to keep his grandchild away from him (DH doesn't) and despite explaining to him over the last four years that this isn't the case he still hangs on to this absurd notion. Sad thing is- is that now that DD is here I don't want to expose her to this spiteful, bitter old man who has no respect or regard for her parents. His irrational fear became a reality because he is so hateful but I just don't need his drama in my life anymore. I'm out!
I've mentioned on a previous thread that my mother and I came to blows when she visited DD and I two days after birth. Disagreements turned into accusations (as they usually do with her), which escalated into me asking DH to see her out. Since then we've called each other a few times but that's been the extent of our contact.
My parents live a plane ride or long car ride away from us; any simple, short or spontaneous visits are not possible. Given that my LO was born early and hasn't had her two month vaccines yet, we are avoiding crowded and overly germy places for her immune system. This makes air travel and rest stops as impossible at least for a few weeks still (until we get the all-clear from her ped).
Just last week I got a call from my sister, that my mother's health has taken a turn for the worse and she's been hospitalized for her heart. While this is terrible news I never wanted to receive, it doesn't magically solve 30+ years of strained relationship either. I feel guilty about still being angry, resentful & annoyed, but I am.
The one phone call I've since had with my mother was peaceful for about two sentences before she started blaming me for not visiting her, accusing me of being selfish and even worse keeping her grandchild from her. She completely disregards that traveling with LO, as well as exposing her to a hospital environment, is simply not possible right now.
Long story short, she once again succeeded in making me feel like a shitty daughter and I have to deal with the conflicting feelings of negativity because of it. My father has been his usual passive self about it (ugh) and I feel bad about ranting to DH because he lost his mom and has an "appreciate them while they're there even if they drive you insane" attitude.
I'm also sorry for my daughter most likely not getting to experience the nonna relationship growing up, that is so sacred in Italy. It terrifies me to think that there's a possibility she might resent me one day too. I really want to build a happy, healthy and caring relationship with her as she grows older. Hopefully my one lesson out of all this will be how to break this cycle with my own DD.
Home, healthy & happy
~ A., A. & L.J. - our family is complete ~
but yesterday were having a little dinner for DH's birthday and he mentioned being anxious about going back to work today and my mom said that it would be good for him to go back to work because I'm "a little lazy and she needs you to be gone so she will do stuff"...
you know, stuff like taking care of a baby all day and keeping the house clean and the laundry (including the CD laundry) and keeping Era fed and happy all the time and keeping the dog and the cat happy and reminding him of appointments...I could go on.
dh made it clear he didn't think I was lazy and actually thought I was doing a ton for someone who had a baby a month ago but it just grounded my gears a little. I'm a SAHM until September and I'm wondering is this what full time SAHM's deal with? People thinking your lazy?
Edited: didn't save my original text
At the hospital, one of the nurses was the mom of a classmate who was a few years ahead of DH from his K-12 school. When DH was there, she asked what he was up to, what her son was doing, etc. When DH left to run errands (I was in the hospital early to be induced and spent a day and a half getting to 5 cm), she politely asked if his parents had changed (I can't remember her wording but she did it in a much less awkward way). She went on to tell me about when DH was in 8th grade, she was chaperoning a field trip. When DH got on the bus, his mom got on and made a huge spectacle about how the chaperones need to keep an eye on him because he's never been to a big city and she doesn't want him getting lost. The nurse said she could just see DH sinking in the seat from embarrassment and she felt so bad for him. She also shared that it would be frustrating to go to events because his mom would get in front of everyone purposely and block others from taking pictures while she was getting DH's picture. Needless to say, his mom definitely had a reputation and it was not a good one.
Second thing that happened is when I went to look for an email I had deleted in my trash box, I found two emails from his mom that were sent in the last 2 weeks. (I blocked her email last year so all her emails go directly to the trash box). The first was to me saying she ran into an old classmate of DH's and when the classmate asked about DH, his mom got sad and started to cry. She had to tell the truth and told the classmate what I am really like. The classmate was surprised and said she thought DH would be working at NASA. The emailed ended with "You really are a terrible person." The next email was sent a week ago and included quotes on parents and children, being a good person, biblical quotes, and results of a survey on why men and women leave relationships due to various "deal breakers." No explanation, no personal words or message. The crazy just doesn't ever end.
you should just look your mom square in the eye while throwing away unused paper towels for the fun of it.
It's June in texas, ma. They can hang out in their diapers.
This is Africa - stop pretending like it's snowing!
I believe I wrote about how I lost it on my in laws when this very incident happened, and how they ditched us after 4 days while I was still in the rehab unit when they had told us they'd stay as long as we'd need them to. Well can you believe it's been 2.5weeks since they left and they never bothered calling? When they were facetiming us every night before that? DH is livid...and I'm not impressed. These are the people who just couldn't wait to be grandparents and had been harassing us for the past 5 years about grandkids...
Bc she came down for my shower she now doesn't really have the money to stay at a hotel and rent a car like previously planned, so she's staying here at our house. Of course DH is having a nervous breakdown bc she's staying here now. Saying it's so inconvenient and she needs to stay somewhere else, blah, blah, blah. She's only going to be here 4 days. 2 of those he won't even be home.
He's always so inconsiderate when it comes to my mom and brother visiting bc he just sees it as an inconvenience. If I'm lucky I get to see them once a year bc they live farther away. He doesn't get it bc all of his family is 2 hours away at the most and he gets to see them all the time. I wish he could just deal for a few days without making everyone completely uncomfortable so that my mom can meet her first grandchild. I was hoping he could step up and make this drama free for me but wishful thinking I guess.
Before she left, she asked me why we have the girls on such a rigid schedule; why we don't just let them sleep and feed them when they are hungry. Said she didn't understand why anyone would wake a sleeping baby. She also told me while one twin was screaming as I situated the other, that my sister in law never let her babies cry so long.
I have TWO gd babies here. They are on a schedule because if they weren't, we would never have time to eat or sleep. We aren't *that* rigid with it. We will deviate up to 45 minutes sometimes.
Now that that's out of the way, she's driving me nuts. She's slowly crept her way into coming to my house every day to see the baby for various reasons (bringing me food, trying to solve DS' witching hour issues etc). I'm mad at myself for letting this happen. I'm thankful she stayed at my house for 2 days and 2 nights so we could get sleep while she took full care of baby.
But omg, she literally calls every damn day now to check on if he's sleeping or eating enough. If I say that he's refusing to nap then she brings up how he was SOO good for her and ate and napped constantly and how he was SUPER easy. In other words, making me feel like a crap mom and making herself feel like a super mom. Then when she's over, she finds crap to nit pick about. For example, I had him in a K'tan with legs out hug position, he was napping peacefully and she told me I was cruel to let him sleep like that because he looked uncomfortable! UM HELLO, if he was he would be crying and not sleeping!! She's not familiar with baby wearing. And that's just one thing she's not familiar with.
All my life, she literally compares herself to me (body image, life, what have you) and I swear I think she is jealous of my life. It's sad because shouldn't you be proud that your daughter is a successful adult?!? Yet, she always finds ways to put me down, to stomp my ego and show me that I'm not good enough or inadequate. Honestly, I think she wants me to need her. I'm an only child. It sucks.
DH is getting so sick of her, next time she tries to talk crap about us in OUR house again. She's getting kicked out.
Before that happens, I'm going to slowly wean her off from coming every freakin day. Visitations are weekends only, that's if we're not busy or just want to chill around the house. UGH I feel like such an idiot for allowing her to creep her way in like this.
My ILS insist that they are helping by holding the baby so I can eat. But he's in the other room screaming and I know he's hungry!! It's driving me nuts. I've tried to menton that I don't mind feeding him and then finishing my meal. I can't sit there and enjoy dinner if he's unhappy waiting for food. They don't get the hint until he's been in full meltdown for a few minutes. My DH says I look like a bitch because I start to get visibly frustrated when this happens.
What do I do?!
New development though is that MIL just leans over and smothers baby and me in kisses and constantly touches the baby while I'm holding her if I don't hand her over for her to hold, even when I've turned away towards the corner to breastfeed. I don't like people touching me in general, and almost explode with anxiety when this is happening but haven't figured out how to tell her to give me space. I feel bad because at some point I can't totally keep her away from her granddaughter, but wish she could interact with us in a less in your face way.
And while I'm complaining... Was just having my first day home alone with baby where I actually felt good and was up doing stuff and enjoying myself, and my husband called to tell me his parents were coming by and then he and his buddy would be over too. Parents were there in under 5 minutes, he and his friend came over a half hour later when I'm back in my bedroom feeding her, and his friend just tried to come back into the bedroom whining that he wants to see the baby. I rarely have people over, and am not dealing well with this parade of visitors, especially when it's last minute and not even my friends.
Eventually you'll have to have the lovely discussion with your H about boundaries and what you're comfortable with. Your feelings should be heard and respected.
Why do they act like our babies are dogs that can be rehomed or given away. It's not even funny to joke about that. Feeling lonely? Get a damn dog.
heres my idea. Next time MIL gets all up in your business, just turn away or walk away. If she asks why just say "well, you're really getting into our personal space". Make it obvious, almost like you're shaming her.