Reasons my family is driving me crazy 6/7

penelope4612 · June 2016

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em01092 · June 2016

My MIL keeps talking about coming to stay with us during Thanksgiving (right before I'm due) and after the baby is born. I told DH that's not happening, and he needs to tell her sooner rather than later. Not to sound ungrateful for help, but I don't want her here and we don't have the space. She and FIL are certainly welcome to come in town for the birth and stay a few days, but I am going to need space.

dmontgo · June 2016

@emo1092 I don't want anyone at my house when the baby is born, either. DH said we're not going to tell anyone baby is here until we are good and ready. If that means we take a couple of weeks to ourselves--fine with me!

Interesting thing happened with my dad last night. He actually gave me a compliment when he was talking to me on the phone. Let me repeat that: MY DAD GAVE ME A COMPLIMENT.

My dad never gives me compliments or hugs, even when I accomplish things. He usually says, "Well that's what I expect!" or he'll take credit for my work--"If it wasn't for me, you couldn't have done ABC."

But last night he said "You have a lot of great talents and skills that a workplace could use, and I know you are a good worker."

It's doesn't seem like much, but coming from someone that always made it a point to tear me down as a kid...I will never forget that he said that. He's been getting better as he gets older, and while that doesn't take away from the abuse and abandonment he put me and my brother through, I secretly hope maybe there is a future for our relationship.

penelope4612 · June 2016

@em01092 - I agree with you. I was secretly relieved when DH and I didn't buy a house this year because it means people can't come and stay with us after baby is born. They can stay in a hotel.

leksiL · June 2016

@emo1092 I'm of the opposite view I want my mommy!! LOL. And my sister. My in-laws on the other hand are too much to handle. Our new house is equipped to handle them though. We live far enough away that I don't think they will want to stay long. With our current DD of 12/23 my inlaws will probably want to be w/family for Christmas and go to church or something. There aren't any portuguese churches around here that I know of

@dmontgo That is a a great compliment

families are tough why do they have to be so manipulative?

My annoyance is that my mom is JUST ONLY NOW planning (my brother) baby sky-bear's high school graduation party for Saturday. WTF. Does she not want anyone to show up? Poor bear

cjt121413 · June 2016

My cheating FIL is still my family issue. I posted last week that he decided to confide in me that his wife is divorcing him because he cheated on her. He then proceeded to completely blame her for all of his actions, saying she is "concrete brain" and that women cheat all the time by being grumpy and then get mad their husbands aren't faithful. Wtf.

The drama continues. Last week I finally told him to stop talking to me about it. He finally came clean to SIL, who is really codependent and now seems to want DH and I to basically tell her how to handle the situation with her son and with MIL (DH and SILs stepmom).

Meanwhile I'm over here like

princesslockness · June 2016

Mine is pretty small compared to others, but MIL is trying to plan having Thanksgiving at my house. My EDD is right around 3 days after TG. WTF lady?!

em01092 · June 2016

@Kate08Young right there with ya. I suggested they come to our town, since I'll be so far along, thinking we could go to like, a Japanese restaurant (they are always open on Thanksgiving and Christmas, at least in my area), so it'd be somewhere different and nice and bonus: no one would have to cook or clean! She was like "Noooooo we can't do that! I'll come cook at your house!" I laughed nervously and looked at DH with my "help me" eyes.

LinziLoo09 · June 2016

@Kate08Young and @em01092 I'd go crazy if inlaws were inviting themselves to mess up my kitchen for a holiday. Fortunately I quit Thanksgiving a few years ago. DH and I just go to IHOP and then get our Christmas tree afterwards. The holiday has been so much more pleasant just skipping it...

@cjt121413 What exactly is "concrete brain"?! Burn? It baffles me when people don't understand when you don't want to be a part of their drama. Keep it to yourself! So sorry you're in such an awkward situation. Good job standing up against it though!

em01092 · June 2016

@LinziLoo09 I wish I had the guts to do that forever, at least with DH's family, but I fear I'd never hear the end of it. He can't stand his mom either LOL. You are so right, that time of year is already stressful enough. I tell you what though, this year I will have no qualms about standing my ground and not driving 3 hours to my ILs house and about not allowing any huge meals to go down at my house. I just don't want it.

LinziLoo09 · June 2016

@em01092 Fortunately my family knows I'm stubborn, and they've given up on Thanksgiving. Usually my mom and brother come eat with us. They're all welcome if they want. I'm just not a huge overeating-for-the-sake-of-overeating person, so one huge holiday meal in the course of November/December is enough for me! Plus DD was born two years ago ON Thanksgiving, so with all these holiday babies, we just have extra reasons they have to have low expectations of us.

leksiL · June 2016

OMG my DH loves Thanksgiving so much it is his favorite holiday!! Luckily no one wants to drive two to four hours to come mess up my house :-p Why don't these guys want to cook at their own house??? sheesh.

dckateh · June 2016

My MIL visited this weekend and we had a discussion about vaccinations. As in, she thinks that they're too much for a baby to handle and I should delay as long as possible and skip the "non essentials." I told her I would look at whatever information she'd like me to review as long as they were peer-reviewed studies in reputable scientific journals. She left me a website with two PhD's running it, only one of whom has any medical experience at all and not as a researcher. Basically just bad info.

I don't know all of your views or lives (but I know some people wanted a bit more drama and snark so have at me if you want

) and to each their own, but my baby will be fully vaccinated on schedule, and frankly it's none of her business. It will however be DH's job to tell her she needs the TDAP and flu vaccines before she gets to see the baby.

beff12 · June 2016

MIL texted me last night to tell me that she was coming up today. No asking with this lady, she just visits whenever she pleases. She asked if I'd rather go to the park or stay home and I said "I've been feeling really sick this week, so I will need to stay home." Any normal and considerate person would say "Oh I'm sorry you're not feeling well, maybe next week will be better." Nope. She's been here all day. She has entertained DD most of the day which has been nice, but she has a strange way of "helping." She saw the dishes in the sink and said, "can all of this go in the dishwasher?" I looked and told her yes and sat back down on the couch with my saltines. She has held up every single item in the sink - "does this go in the dishwasher? What about this one? This one?" PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER LADY.

On another note, my dad called this morning while I was waiting on her to get here because he wanted to check in on us. I told him how she had invited herself up for the day and how bad I feel that we never invite her because she doesn't give us a chance! She comes up once a week on whatever day she decides and then acts all jealous when we don't invite them to things. Blah.

penelope4612 · June 2016

My mom glared at me when I suggested my brother host Thanksgiving. He lives 30 mins from me and probably 40 mins from the hospital. We typically go to my mothers friends house. They live an hour and a half away. It's a lovely event, but I don't want to be an hour and a half from the hospital 1 week before my due date. Even if I don't go into labor, that's sure to be an uncomfortable car ride. First she tried to convince me that we'd have enough time to get to the hospital, because it's my first pregnancy so I'll be in labor "for hours" (yeah I totally want to be in labor in the car for an hour and a half). Then she was like "well why don't YOU host?" I was like, yeah sure if you want to come over and cook and clean up and you're all comfortable sitting on the floor (we live in an apartment with a super tiny kitchen and a tiny 4 person dining room table. Not exactly prime hosting quarters).

cjt121413 · June 2016

LinziLoo09 said:

@Kate08Young and @em01092 I'd go crazy if inlaws were inviting themselves to mess up my kitchen for a holiday. Fortunately I quit Thanksgiving a few years ago. DH and I just go to IHOP and then get our Christmas tree afterwards. The holiday has been so much more pleasant just skipping it...

@cjt121413 What exactly is "concrete brain"?! Burn? It baffles me when people don't understand when you don't want to be a part of their drama. Keep it to yourself! So sorry you're in such an awkward situation. Good job standing up against it though!

It is totally awkward. I think "concrete brain" means nothing gets through to her, so he's basically calling her stupid. He has no respect for women. It really, really bothers me. I was pretty firm with him about my feelings on the matter. He's such a nutcase.

R0824H · June 2016

my mom wont stop sending me name suggestions or buying things from yard sales...I understand wanting to help save me money but as a FTM...I do want SOME nice shiny new things

and she keeps calling the baby Gabby because she wants me to use Gabrielle for a girl (she only came up with the name because my coworker just had a girl and they dropped the ga and used Brielle) I flipped on her this weekend, "no Gabby, drop the gabby, it will never be Gabby I'm over this gabby crap"

BabyRobbinsAdventure · June 2016

I'm also in the "MIL wants to stay when baby is born" boat. Ughhhh.
Whenever they stay with us it is always at least for 2 weeks since they drive from the East coast, and MIL drives me crazy!! I can't imagine how I'm going to feel with her around when I'm exhausted after the baby is born!
The problem is DH wants her here, so I don't really have that support on my side.

I feel like I'm being selfish to want the baby to myself for a little bit while I get settled with the baby, and if I get help from anyone I want it to be from MY mom. DH says I'll want help from her since I'll be exhausted, but I'm 99% sure that is not what I want.
It's just frustrating that he doesn't see where I'm coming from since when his sister had her 3 babies his whole family stayed with her for like the first month. I'm not his sister and MIL is not the first person I would want helping me..

BabyRobbinsAdventure · June 2016

@Kate87 DH's sister works for the CDC studying infectious diseases. He think it will be hilarious if we tell her we will be anti-vax parents when we visit her in July. He wants to watch her freak out for a day or two, I think it's cruel (but could be funny for about 20 minutes haha)

LinziLoo09 · June 2016

@BabyRobbinsAdventure While I had my mom and MIL lined up to help out after DD was born, I became SICK of all of the company after about a day and a half. I had a meltdown just a couple of days after we came home from the hospital and insisted that everyone leave. I just still felt like a patient with all of the soreness, and I really didn't like having so many people around. My mom was helpful in making meals, but she wouldn't clean the kitchen after herself. So I was left with tons of dishes. And she invited other relatives over for dinner without asking me so they could see the baby. I was really NOT in the mood.

This time I'll just freeze a few casseroles before the baby is born, and I'll keep people out until I feel healed up. I need my hermit time.

slartybartfast · June 2016

This article was click bait on my facebook feed but I really liked it. Sent it to my sister who doesn't feel like she's worth setting boundaries with my parents. She's also the most self absorbed person I've ever met but that's another story.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/113750-3-problems-people-from-toxic-families-often-struggle-with

I'll spare the details at the moment but my family is in the process of unraveling and I feel it's going to come to a head this holiday season. DH and I are going to need to focus on our individual relationships with the members, keeping distance as they struggle through things, and the love and support we do feel from his family. And of course the joy of adding a member to our own. And my pup. My sweet wonderful pup. We have good things.

penelope4612 · June 2016

@BabyRobbinsAdventure - I'm a FTM so idk how I'll feel but if I have to I will make it pretty clear to DH that I'll be bleeding, leaking breast milk, having trouble going to the bathroom, not sleeping, and generally unsure of how to take care of a baby and I don't really need other people witnessing this for an extended period of time. I am hoping his family will come for a day or two to meet the baby and then leave.

doodleoodle · June 2016

With my first, my MIL was so adamant about us staying there afterward that she set up a nursery. It was obnoxious. I in no way wanted to stay there. I ended up having an emergency c-section and so I caved and we stayed there. We ended up staying for almost a full month and I didn't really want to leave. It was so nice to not have to worry about anything other than my baby and my recovery. Just my (worthless) 2 cents lol

dmontgo · June 2016

Bleh. Just when I think my dad and I are making progress, I feel like we take a lot of steps back. He called me to check on me, and he asked about cravings I've had. I laughed and mentioned that a couple of weeks ago I ate a bag of Doritos by myself, and then in a very condescending, not-joking tone he said,

"Pig."

I said that I am NOT a pig, and that hurts my feelings. He was "kidding," as usual, but he has always made fun of my appearance. That I'm fat, my nose is too big, that I'm ugly, etc. I don't understand why because I look just like my mom (who is not ugly), and I always been in a healthy weight...it has really given me a complex that I struggle with. I get very self-conscious about my body. It's getting better, but ugh...

The conversation continued awkwardly, then it ended with him calling me Chunky. Not sure why I try.

aevan011 · June 2016

@slartybartfast - great link!
@dmontgo - a compliment followed by an insult. I'm sorry that it's a rollercoaster, and he's an ass.

Why do they bother calling to "check on" us if they're just there to cut us down....ugh *hugs*

My mother, after calling me delusional and accusing me of using drugs - is now texting me as if nothing ever happened. Which is her usual pattern. Except this time I'm not buying into it, and she's having my siblings ask me about my flight into town next week (I've not given her the correct date or even times to maintain some control of my trip)...I go to VA on Tues for a week and I'm starting to get really anxious. Bonus: She's gonna be livid when she finds out I am on my DH's phone plan as of tomorrow....as that was the last piece of my life she controls. I'm 30 and married....I need to NOT be on that family plan.

yellingbanana · June 2016

My fiancé's sister in law is not just driving me crazy, but driving his family apart.
We have had nothing but issues with her: she prevents her DH from seeing my fiancé- his brother. fiancé and his brother are only a year apart and have always been best friends.... Until his brother got married 4 yrs ago. (And I'm the one that helped his brother get on match.com)

and when we DO see them, she is cold to us. Or normal. Regardless, every time after we hang out she complains to her husband that my fiancé and I are rude to her, we ignore her, that she doesn't feel welcome, and that we offended her. Every time! So we are always fawning over her, trying to make her feel welcome, and walking on f*cking eggshells around her. We have never, ever had these kinds of problems with anyone. We are fun, happy people who get along with everyone, except her.

My fiancé and I have been together 11 yrs, and are getting married in 3 weeks. Small wedding, parents, siblings, and their kids only. Unfortunately that includes her. And My fiancé couldn't choose just 1 best man, he had to choose all 3 of his brothers. Which obligated me
to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids (I only have 2 sisters). So I gave her 2 options for a bridesmaid dress, yes, 2 options! And she says she tried to order a dress that wasn't one of the options "but it looked really nice on me". Luckily the dress wouldn't have made it in time. Ugh.

Now that I'm pregnant, I'm a little nervous I'm going to go ape sh*t on her. She has manipulated my fiancé's brother so bad that he never sees his family unless we make plans at least 3 months in advance (and they don't even have kids!). He is missing our 2 daughters grow up, my 5 year old doesn't even know who he is. But he spends all of his time with her family, all of her and her siblings went to expensive colleges and think they are better than everyone else. I'm a teacher. My fiancé doesn't have a degree but makes more money than all of her and her Ivy League siblings. But they look down their noses at us. Her sister wouldn't let me hold their baby. I have 2 kids, 5yrs as a nanny, and 2 yrs as a daycare owner!
The list goes on, it's a long list. I think you get the gist of it. Our wedding day is going to be interesting... I have a feeling there is going to be a major blow out. Breathe... Woosah.

cocoyusef · June 2016

Ugh, my dad put my sister up to "asking" me if I would just visit nyc with my newborn for a couple of MONTHS so that they could save the money of visiting me in CA after the baby is born. They want dh to stay in ca and work/watch our 3 dogs and cat alone. Mind u, this is our first child, why on earth would I want to leave my home and my hubby to stay in ny with a family that is nonstop drama?!
So fustrating, I have lived here for 10 years and they have visited once. You would think they would put their energy into planning a budget friendly trip to c their first grandkid/niece or nephew instead of guilt tripping me. Sorry my kid is such a financial burden. Wtf?

dmontgo · June 2016

Sending good vibes out to all you ladies for dealing with your frustrating families! Thankful to have a place to vent, and I do hope things get better soon.

@cocoyusef It's the same for DH's family. They have only visited here once, but we're expected to travel 12 hours to visit them...so then no one visits each other lol.

dmontgo · June 2016

My MIL has been texting me this morning, and when I said I haven't had morning sickness, she was like, "It's my son's sperm and genes that are keeping you from being sick. And I'm sure this baby will have fair skin...right? Since you both have fair skin?"

Uhhhh. I don't know if she's implying that I cheated?

phoenix870509 · June 2016

@dmontgo not necessarily. Depends on how the genetics work out. Both DH and I have medium skin, but his mom is from PR and has very dark skin. Fair skin also runs in our family, too. Our kid can be dark, or light with red hair and no one will believe this kid is DHs!

LinziLoo09 · June 2016

@dmontgo - I'm so sorry your dad was so cruel! How screwed up! <hugs>

leksiL · June 2016

@dmontgo count me in the "I don't ever want to hear my mil talk about dh's sperm" category. It's not quite as bad as my mom telling me to give DH a blowjob to make him happy (in front of him) but it's pretty stRange!

dmontgo · June 2016

@leksiL She is just really super fucking weird and inappropriate when she's not being mean. She has speculated about our sex life before. I think she has an unhealthy attachment to DH that he does not share. >.>

@phoenix870509 My MIL would absolutely love it if our child was tan so she could start rumors. =.=

@LinziLoo09 Thanks lady! He kept trying to call me yesterday and I just let it go to voicemail...

doodleoodle · June 2016

@dmontgo and @leksil if it makes you guys feel any better, the night before my wedding my MIL asked to see my bridal lingerie.

dmontgo · June 2016

@doodleoodle Why are some MILs so weird lol.

I have been enjoying my pregnancy so far, but sometimes I get sad because it brings more to light about how dysfunctional our families are. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of those relationships again.

doodleoodle · June 2016

I'm so sorry @dmontgo you're absolutely right. It's okay to allow yourself to grieve. *hugs*

phoenix870509 · June 2016

@dmontgo *hugs* Just remember, as mom YOU get to decide how much interaction you want your child to have with these people. You also get to decide how to raise your child so that this doesn't happen to them. In my family there is a history of mother/daughter dysfunction. My great-grandma had 2 daughters and favored one over the other (my grandma) and totally isolated her younger daughter (my great-aunt). My great-aunt and her daughter do not speak at all. One of my first cousins has a restraining order against her mother (her mom is crazy). My grandma disowned my mom. My mom and I have vowed this will not happen to us. And if this is a girl, I vow I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening.

dmontgo · June 2016

@doodleoodle @phoenix870509 Thank you for the hugs! DH and I have made such amazing progress since we got out of those environments, but then when I think about baby and all of the possibilities...and how I wish so badly he or she could have a healthy relationship with my family and DH's family (FIL and SIL are great, but MIL is a huge stumbling block). But the core of who they are as people makes it impossible to have a normal relationship with them. I didn't grow up really knowing my cousins and grandparents, and I always wished that for my child...but it's not in the cards the way I dreamed it would be. When my dad and MIL call me, it's not because of me, but baby is another person they can dig their claws into to manipulate...they just want to butter me up so they have access.

There are so many great things baby can experience and know without being close to them, but I've been surprised at how strongly I've been reacting to it lately. Our first priority is making sure baby is safe, healthy, and happy, whether they are around or not!

Thank you for letting me vent, ladies. It really does help.

aevan011 · June 2016

@dmontgo when I had that fight with my mom last week, I began researching grandparents' rights/visitation laws. It's really moronic and sad that I have to worry about this, but it is a rational fear that she will try to get some control. I also wish this baby could have a good relationship with her, but I can completely relate to the "butter me up to get access"...I 100% expect my mother to play "mom of the year" next week during my visit once she sees that I'm pregnant.

Sending hugs your way as well, it's shitty that a lot of us are dealing with these toxic relationships but it sure is nice to have someone to relate to.

ashleaf2018 · June 2016

I was talking baby names with my mom and she had me on speaker. My dad cut in really loud and said, "You'll name it whatever I tell you to." ????? *sigh* Gotta love family, am I right?

aevan011 · June 2016

@ashleaf2018
"Whatever I Tell You To" seems like a really obnoxious name.
Tell him that. lol
Family....ugh.

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