Husband seems pensive, making jokes, not as overjoyed as I'd hoped

schmoopie1-2 · May 2016

Good morning...just a few days shy of 6w and I got my BFP this past Friday (and consequently 3 +'s using different test b/c I'm having so much trouble believing it)!!

This came as a bit of a surprise, but we have also not been preventing since the fall of 2014. However, I am 33 y/o with PCOS and all of my/our friends have had lots of fertility issues, losses, etc. I was expecting myself to fall into that category. We made the decision to really put our noses to the grind now since we are closing on our first house next month and wouldn't you know it...I'm pregnant!

My husband just started a new job, we are closing on our first house, I know he's incredibly stressed out so I was almost a bit worried to tell him but he took it really well! He seemed obviously terrified but also thrilled in the moment. Then as the weekend went by, he became very lax about it - making joking comments, telling me not to "get ahead of myself" about things, etc. I was a little put off but figured it was his way of deflecting his worries which is fine. I guess what inspired me to write this is the fact that he's probably not going to be able to come to my first appointment. He's not even trying to, really. I can only get an appt during the time's he'd be at work, but I made it as early as possible so he could maybe come with me. His response was "I don't know, we'll see." I asked if a Friday would be more conducive to his schedule and all I got was "I don't know." I know I'm overly emotional, but it hurt. I say that b/c if the tables were turned, I'd be jumping out of my skin to be by his side, but I know we're very different that way.

Has anyone been through this with their SO's? Is going to the first appt alone really a big deal? This is our first baby, so everything is a question to me at this point. Thanks for reading!

FinePlacentaPie · May 2016

I went to my first appointment alone. It is pretty boring, honestly. All docs are a little different, but most of the time, it is pee in a cup, blood test, all the dos and don'ts, and maybe a dating ultrasound. Men just tend to respond to these things differently than we do, for the most part. Give him time to get excited about the idea, it is still new. Some fathers like to be at every appointment, and some give no cares about any of them and just look forward to the end result. If it's important to you, I would talk to him about it now, though. Just explain to him that you would like to go through the process as a team and have him involved as much as he is able. Give him a pass, though, like I said, the appointments are insanely boring!

schmoopie1-2 · May 2016

Sound advice, thank you. Like I said to him, I don't want to badger him into going but I also don't want to exclude him. I made it as early in the day as possible and the ball is in his court

SmrBrd2012 · May 2016

I agree that sometimes men respond differently. I've noticed from other posts that they sometimes aren't as excited during the pregnancy since it's not physically happening to them. The first appt was really boring for me too and they had a terrible US machine so we barely saw anything. H did come but I wish he hadn't since he had to take time off work for it. The 18-20 week anatomy scan is amazingly cool though and you should def try to make him go to that.

KarliQ88 · May 2016

Men respond to things differently. Mine was excited but now seems pretty "chill." i was so excited i got in with this doc who i heard is hard to get in with. Anyway i asked him if he wanted to be at first appt. He was like "it doesn't matter." whatever. He won't be with at my first and that's ok. He just isn't as lively as a person as i am and thats ok. I do think ot wpuld be weird and i would feel smothered if he were the opposite. It's a guy thing maybe? Just involve him as much as you can. Ask him if he has any questions/concerns for doctor when you go and he can't. Big appointments maybe decide on dates together so he can be there.

cayaylonglegs · May 2016

My H didn't let himself get excited about the pregnancy until after the dating ultrasound. I should add that we had IVF and he has read almost as much pregnancy related material as I have. He hasn't gone with me to any appointments since our IVF transfer and honestly that's fine with me. He still gets to see the ultrasound but he doesn't have to miss work or sit around in the office waiting for my name to be called. He will get excited in his own time, it's a lot for guys to adjust too as well. Just try not to overwhelm him too much!

leksiL · May 2016

Don't be too worried - DH didn't get too excited until our first ultrasound. He was all smiles when we saw the heartbeat! He said it didn't register with him until he saw it. Men aren't living this like we are, so it's often hard for them to get excited since it doesn't seem real. It still seems surreal to me in fact!

splsmama2016 · May 2016

My H has been the same way and we have only a few weeks left until she's here. Men tend to not react until the baby is physically here or at least moving around in there for them to feel or see. It only recently hit DH that she's almost here and she's real a few weeks ago, because we were cuddling watching tv and she had her little foot poking out my side.... Lol. It's normal to an extent. He will come around in the next few weeks

TheBorg7of9 · May 2016

Meh, my dh is the same way. But I wasn't surprised considering I know him. I didn't expect his personality to change just because I'm pregnant. Lol.

Did you try telling him that going to the appointment is important to you?

sheshae · May 2016

I wouldn't think too much into it. Sadly, they don't feel
how we feel at this moment. As to your appointment I didn't have DH go with. I asked him to
go with at my 13 week ultrasound because then he could probably see our little baby better. I know my DH would be more uncomfortable at my appointments in the beginning. He'll come around

bbiutmcph · May 2016

I agree when the pregnancy isn't physically happening to you excitement is different. That said I say give the guy a break. Three major life events at once is huge. A new job, house and baby is a lot to take in. You just found out Friday an I understand your excitement but his comments to me don't seem anything other than face value and slow down and not get ahead of yourself meaning let me process this before we pick out nursery, names, and talk about it 100% of the time. With a new job I also see not being able to miss work for an appt. especially an appt where you will likely pee in a cup, and talk briefly. It's more important to have him ask for time off for te anatomy scan or similar appts. I'm sure your husband is excited but he's probably thinking about how every aspect of his live is literally changing at once and is just processing it all. Any three things are HUGE let alone all at once and my thought would be lets just relax and not get carried away too.

SnarkasaurusRex · May 2016

DH didn't come to any of my OB appointments because he travels twice a week for work, and it just worked out that way that pretty much all of my appointments were when he was gone. He did come to all of my ultrasounds, and he loved those (my OB doesn't have an US machine in office, so I always had to make a separate appointment for them). The first appointment is super boring anyway. All I did was a urine test, blood draw, and a pap. Especially since he is starting a new job, getting leave and missing work may be a big deal.

I agree with PPs that it's really hard for the men to relate at the beginning. He's also going through THREE major life changes right now, so cut him some slack. He'll get there! DH was kind of the same way at the beginning (not wanting us to get ahead of ourselves in case of a loss, etc., since it took us nearly 3 years of trying to get pregnant in the first place), but he came around pretty quickly...

schmoopie1-2 · May 2016

Agreed on all accounts! The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's fine. There will be plenty of opportunities for him to be there, and his promptness at his new job is key. I think a small part of me is worried that I'll be there alone if anything is "wrong", ya know? I also took into account that he's not feeling it right now so it's probably still not real (it's not to me at times either!) Thanks, all.

BecauseBabyIamAPug · May 2016

Many men respond differently to pregnancy news than women do. It is very abstract to them. Or they start freaking out about the big things, like money and what not. Many men also so really connect to the pregnancy until later.

clairemwalker · May 2016

My DH never got into it when i was pregant, even though it was planned. I felt like we were never on the same page during pregnancy, and he was nowhere near as interested or excited as me, but the second our LO popped out, it all flipped upside down and he turned into a marshmellow, it was definitely love at first sight. I think some men just dont bond with pregnancy, especially when there are other things taking their attention. DH started his buisness the month before i concieved, so i think thats where his focus was. Im sure your DH will come around a bit! Even mine did when he felt kicks etc

jrouge12 · May 2016

Don't worry. DH didn't show excitement until they put the baby in his arms. He's the best daddy now! He didn't come to my first appointment. They couldn't even pick up the heartbeat for me at that point (9 weeks ). Men process differently and people process differently. Don't judge your DH by looking at others.

eryncameron · June 2016

I remember reading somewhere "women are mothers as soon as they find out they are pregnant. Men are fathers when they hold their baby for the first time". While I know it is different for everyone, the baby is growing inside of you. I don't think men quite understand that instant emotional attachment. I know my husband doesn't seem nearly as amazed as I do that I have a tiny human inside of me right now.

rebecksters · June 2016

My husband is having a Similiar response. I straight up called him out on it. What is comes down too is he's really scared I'll miscarriage. He doesn't want me to tell any of my family and friends til the end of the first trimester. He says it doesn't feel real yet.

Vastra · June 2016

Yes to so much of this. My H was definitely stunned when I told him. Every other month while we were trying, I made it a point to tell him if AF was more than a second late. So he wasn't phased by it when, yet again, I announced that AF was a day late. Then two. And so on until we got back from a work trip and I was able to POAS. So he was even semi prepared for the news and still sort of unresponsive for a couple of days. Now it's been 11 days since we found out, and he's been increasingly more enthusiastic. But I know him- he's very pragmatic and can be a little freaked out by change, so I'm just giving him his space, and trying not to overwhelm him with Baby Talk. The thing that's gotten the most response has been anything Science-y. He likes hearing what "food size" the baby is, and has actually been asking questions when he sees me reading WTEWYE. And yes, as PPs have mentioned, it doesn't seem real to him yet. The baby is IN you, and at this point it's still completely abstract to him. Hugs, it's gonna be okay.

Mylitta · June 2016

I asked my H once if he would even remember I was pregnant if I wasn't bringing it up constantly. He said possibly not.
However he is planning on what we need to get done to make the house ready for a baby, to make sure that things will be taken care of. He also will say something about whether or not he thinks I can help with something when we're taking about the future.

Men just think of it differently. I'll admit it took me a couple weeks to really feel like it's real. I'm not even sure I'm there yet.

Eta: words

hey&june · June 2016

Have you told him you want him to be there? Does he realize he will get to see/hear his child's heartbeat for the very first time? It is possible he doesn't know what the first appointment means and that it is important to you. Sometimes my husband just needs me to say "I really need you to be there."

Most practices do that ultrasound first, so he can leave right after it. I get that promptness at a new job is important, but if he says he has a doctor's appointment (which he does), they should give him an hour or so to be there with you.

I know some others are different about this, but the first appointment (hearing/seeing my child's heartbeat for the first time) is so important to me. I couldn't be sitting there watching and hearing that heartbeat and ugly crying by myself. It is one of only two appointments (the first one plus the anatomy scan at 18 weeks) that my husband makes sure to be there for. I'm sure it would be fine if you went without him, but my advice is that if it matters a lot to you, make sure he knows so that he can at least try to be there.

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